Topic: My adult daughters verbally abuse me. How can I get them to stop?
Hello friends,
Thank you so much for your prayers for my week away and the speaking event this past weekend at Cowgirls of Faith in Texas. It was a great time of fellowship and ministry and I felt your prayers throughout my speaking times. God is good. Here is a picture of the wonderful music that blessed the event as well as me with Michelle Carson, the coordinator of the entire weekend.
I am so blessed to have the wonderful privilege of sharing some of the things he is teaching me to a wider audience. This week is a heavy writing week. I have several projects due next Monday and I need to have good flow to finish my obligations. Please pray that I receive that special Holy Spirit anointing.
Today’s Question: What can I do about grown children 33 and 36, who get mad at me and are verbally abusive toward me? I’ve always been there for them. I have helped them move numerous times. I’ve listened when they were down. I babysit their children all of the time. When they had no food in the house, I brought them necessities. I took care of them after surgery.
When one of them divorced, I made a point of inviting her out to dinner so she could get out. Not that it matters, but we are upper middle class. We do not curse; we did not physically or verbally abuse our kids. They just lash out verbally if and when they get mad, mainly at me.
I have a neurological disease that affects my eyesight and speaking voice and ability to get my breath as well as a minor heart condition. These two children I’m talking about are my youngest daughters. We also have an older son and daughter. We have no problems with our son and our older daughter went through a “blaming” period in her life, but has matured and knows that her life is the result of decisions she has made.
What can I do about these two girls that cut my heart out with their words?
Answer: It is so painful to see our adult children sin, especially when it is against us, their parents, who would give our very lives for these children. Sadly there is nothing you can do to change your girls. But, there ARE some things that you can do about how they are treating you that may begin to influence and invite your girls to change themselves. You do not HAVE to let yourself be abused.
When we are a repeated victim of mistreatment by someone we’re in relationship with, we must stop and ask ourselves what is our part? Please don’t misunderstand me. Taking a hard look at your part does not mean you are at fault for the mistreatment. But you must ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to continuously be mistreated and verbally abused by your own children without protest or consequence?
My guess is that you fear that if you put your foot down and say “I’ve had enough of this!” you fear losing your relationship with your daughters. It’s true that they may respond poorly and not call you for a while because you’ve stopped putting up with their abuse. But my guess is that over time they will come to their senses and realize that you love them and they were wrong for the way they have treated you.
But if that doesn’t happen, let me ask you what kind of relationship do you really have with them? It’s time to gather up your courage and put your foot down with your daughters. The next time one of them goes off on you and is abusive, I want you to say this:
“I’ve decided I can no longer allow myself to be treated this way. I’d be happy to discuss what you’re angry about with me, but I will not allow myself to be yelled at, cursed at, or abused (or whatever specifically they are doing in that moment).”
Then stop and wait to see how they respond. If they mock you or continue the verbal tirade, simply say, “ I guess you didn’t understand. I’m not going to allow myself to be treated this way. I’m going to hang up now.” And then do it!
That shift in your behavior will shock them. They probably will call back, ream you out if you answer, if you don’t, they will do it on the answering machine. Don’t call them back, don’t engage, don’t argue with them or get into a verbal war over this simple request for them to communicate with you in a respectful way, even when they’re angry.
I want you to sound like a broken record, saying the same few phrases over and over and over again, “I will not allow myself to be treated this way any longer. If you’re upset with me and want to talk with me, you’ll have to do it without (screaming, cursing) at me.” Be specific here as to what the specific abuse is.
If they refuse to comply, hang up. Your part is to keep repeating these same phrases again and again and again until they get it. They don’t receive the privilege of your attention or your company when they are abusive toward you. If they stop their behaviors, you are all ears and willing to engage.
Sound like a plan? Try it and let us know how it goes. Don’t give up or get discouraged if they don’t respond positively right away. Stick with it. Change doesn’t happen overnight and your daughters are in some bad habits that they probably aren’t even conscious of. But as you set your boundaries and firm your resolve not to be abused any longer, I believe that your daughters will begin to be more self-controlled and learn to express their anger or hurt in a much more constructive way. That is a win-win for everyone in the family.
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I appreciate the way you emphasized that we need to speak our boundaries clearly and respectfully – and that most likely, those who just don't get it will need to be reminded more than once.
No one ever bursts into applause when we set limits! Chances are their heads will rotate in disbelief! But I encourage women to continue to speak what's true about them, with love and respect, and courteously end phone coversations that head in the wrong direction.
It's hard to change the way we've been dancing …
Linda
Just want to encourage this woman to try this and give it time to create change in the relationships with your two younger daughters.
I implemented the boundaries and guidelines Leslie has stated here with several members of my family (mom and my husband who was abusive) and it has transformed those relationships. It was not an easy thing by any means, but so necessary to break those destructive patterns. Now we have much healthier interactions and are even enjoying each other. Praise God!
Be steadfast! I pray that you will have the courage to make these changes and that God will bring healing.
Blessings!
Boundaries are very difficult to set as a parent.
As a step-parent, I have had hardly any boundaries out of guilt and because I wanted the kids to like & approve of me—and I also wanted to be really different from their greedy, selfish mother who had not a issue in the world setting boundaries with her time, money, and affection when it came to these two kids. Nearly 15 years later, I am paying for it big time. They only know us when they need something or money or help or rescuing, but they plan their VACATIONS with mommy now that they are adults!
my daughter is currently living in my home (I don't live there)with her boyfriend – they won't pay rent, I have had to give notice, she calls me names, complains that the house is not good enough and that I am ripping them off – I explain that I only want the rent due – they say too bad.. I've had to give written notice, she called the police on me when I went to the house, I have let them live free for the past two years and now I finally want rent money. She says she watches judge shows and take them to court – no thanks for all I have done or supported her.. she says the boyfriend has paid all her bills for the last two years – not rent/utilities or other bills since I have paid the house bill. I just don't get it.
I can relate. I have been used by my own daughter who is now 39, and never gave a dime towards water, sewer, rent, and my two beautiful granddaughters also lived here with me, two and a half years ago I told her to leave. My granddaughters are with family, an uncle and a father. She is only nice or kind to me when she wants money, she pours the tears on. I miss my granddaughters terribly and she uses them against me. Keeps them away from me and speaks to me like I am trash. I am truly done now. I gave up my life as I’m sure you did and went without. It’s our time now. God bless and I hope that you can maintain the strength to put your foot down as I did and no longer enable irresponsibility, lack of appreciation and total disprespect. Good luck. May we both remain strong.
I have similar situations to anonymous. I have 2 of 5 kids that are verbally abusive and they often tell me I am ripping them off. Despite the fact that one of them I have paid his rent, his fuel and bought his food and diapers for the baby. I sent them to Florida, no cost to them.Found them a nice home, rather than the run down dangerous trailer they lived in – not good enough for him now. the other child says I took his father to court so he hates me.I am divorced.It is a lie from the father. Not that i shouldn't take him to court, but I haven't. I have never gottten any child support and he bashes me to our kids all the time.
Now these 2 kids will not let me see my Grandchildren. I live to have my family, kids and Grandchildren around me. they know it hurts me real bad to keep the babys away from me, but they do it anyway. Just the way their father used to hurt me – like by not allowing the 5 kids to acknowledge me on mothers day.I hate holidays! I have told them both that I am not allowing them to speak to me abusively any more. They have not spoken to me since and I am afraid to go see them. They are killing me.
You are a gift and your grandchildren will seek you out eventually, I truly believe this. You are not alone. They have only one mother. I understand your feelings. This new me me me generation…know this that you are loved, your children chose to abuse you emotionally and deprive you of familial love. Now it’s time for you to live for you. You raised your kids and now you should do the things you couldn’t when you sacrificed all your time and money for them. We will all be fine, less stress, and chosen, good, healthy adult relationships. Volunteer at a childrens hospital or day care to get your kiddie fix and make you smile. Bless you and best to you.
My heart goes out to you two Anonymous posters. I am sending you warm embraces and encouraging you to look above the human picture and see the Love of God, the Motherhood and Fatherhood of God that never leaves you or forsakes you. That is where all the love you will ever receive comes from, although we see it expressed to us from all of creation. Lift your thoughts every hour as much as possible to be aware of the presence and Love of God, and the more you do that, the more you will see this expressed towards you everywhere. Your heart will be full, and one fine day you will find the anger/resentment/whatever in these relationships dissolving, melting. Just keep your thoughts on God, on pure divine Love — even after the human scene improves. Because, after all, God IS Love.
Peace, love and harmony be with you.
Dear Lesie,
My 48 year old daughter has abused me since she left for college. I have allowed it and continue to try to please her. She is married and has 4 children who are very nice to me and easy to show love too as well as her husband. However during a recent visit there, I found she is still diagnosing me with “clinical depression” and making a big deal about it. She accuses me of defending myself and does not allow me to talk or say anything without calling it something else. I think 30 years of this is enough. I have seen a therapist and he says I have some anxieties – WOW I had to pay for that??? I have a good life, a wonderful husband and church and I try to follow Jesus Christ daily. I like your ideas. I have given her too much power. It is time to step up and be the person I was born to be. Any comments would be appreciated.
I agree. You’ll get a good handle how to have that conversation in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship under section 2 Stopping It! But in a nutshell let her know that you’d like to talk with her about something important. When she’s willing and able to listen, share with her that you love her, you value your relationship but you do not like how she speaks to you. Give her a few examples and tell her it bothers you and you want it to stop. If she hears you – great. If she doesn’t, then you will need to think about what consequences you will implement if she continues with her verbal abuse. For example if she is talking wtih you that way on the phone say, “I told you I won’t allow myself to be treated that way anymore. I’m going to hang up now.” Then DO it.
Often those who suffer from clinical depression are actually very nice people who have taken too much and sucked it up for too long. It’s time that you now say stop, no more and help yourself and you’re relationship with your daughter. You do her no favors when you enable her sin to continue without protest or comment.
You go beautiful lady. God will give you the strength to persevere and not take abuse. Blessings.
Hello Leslie, I have problems with an abusive adult daughter who is 39. She is a very negative person and will call me up and talk non stop for half an hour about the same things: hates her job, the people she works with, how her friends or boyfriend have let her down, hates her daughter’s other grandmother.. always the same. She complains about me to family/friends as well and blames me for her problems, pointing out what I should have done differently while she was growing up. After she left home she got involved in a bisexual relationship, followed by a relationship with a man which resulted in three abortions, and then a sexual relationship with my cousin. She now has a daughter out of wedlock with another man, a pregnancy which she considered having a partial birth abortion for. I was there for her through all of these tumultuous relationships. As her mother I have always offered advice or solutions but it has fallen on deaf ears.. mostly I am just a sounding board for her. About ten years ago she and my best friend from college “buddied up” and cut me out of the equation. I can’t begin to describe how much this has hurt me. I have to tell you there have been times when her actions and treatment toward me have worn me out to the point where I have ended contact for months at a time. Most recently she called me just before Thanksgiving to say that it was off.. that I was just a trouble maker and not a member of the family.. I have a very hateful out of control message on my answering machine from her and how she is cutting out toxic family members from her life. She is currently in counseling (she says she was diagnosed with PTSD years ago) but I wonder if she shouldn’t be seeing a psychiatrist also.
I don’t know whether or not she needs a psychiatrist but I certainly think you need some support in how to deal with her. It sounds as if she is very troubled and angry and it’s always easier to blame others than to fix your own life. However in the same way it’s always easier to try to fix other’s than to fix our own life. I think you’ve spent a lot of time trying to help, minister, fix, and support your daughter – to your own peril and it hasn’t resulted in anything positive. Maybe it’s time you take better care of you.
Thank you for your response Leslie, I appreciate your taking the time. I hadn’t heard from her since the Thanksgiving outlash until now mentioning Christmas. No apology for her previous behavior but I doubt she feels one is forthcoming. I haven’t been able to sleep since all that happened and really don’t want to be around her. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and a celebration for HIM and she does not believe. Part of her anger toward me is that I do. A woman with a similar problem said that she was staying away from her abusive daughter and just praying for her. For my own sanity and health that is what I will be doing as well. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Leslie to you and your readers.
You are most welcome and I hope in spite of everything going on with your daughter, that you are able to have a peaceful and joyful Christmas.
I have two grown daughters 33 and 37. Both of them disrespect me on a regular basis and cut me out of all holidays, no birthday presents, or mothers day. My oldest dauther I have let her live in my house three times. Each time I had to evict her (a total of two years). While she lived in my house I paid all the bills to run the house while I did not live there. My youngest daughter is heavily influenced by her father who told her when I divorced him (she was 14) that I was divorcing her and that she did not need me in her life. She is currently pregnant with twin girls and I have been informed that I will never see them because I have only been to TX to see my grandson once. The contridictory statement is that I need to get her approval to visit her family. Thus I have not gone to TX because I have not been invited.
Both of my daughters act like selfish 13 uear olds and actually my older grandchildren have a higher maturity level than my daughters. This is all so ridiculous. I am so hurt and the holidays have been terrible for me for the last 13 years. I actually have moved away from my oldest daugher because she spreads lies to all her friends about me and my grandchildren. I told her I was done with it all and moved 1000 miles away to start a new life. I miss my grandchldren and I just don’t know what to do about the pain they have inflicted on me.
Get an attorney for grandmother rights so u can see your grandchildren
Sandra, I’m so sorry for what your are experiencing and can relate. I just have one daughter but she has negatively influenced her daughter toward me as well as my other grandchildren, mutual family, and friends, as well as people I don’t even know. I wonder if she believes the lies she tells them? It’s like she re-wrote history and I have to ask myself WHEN did what she is saying actually happen? I’ve also experienced similar with having her live with me. None of what I do or have done for her seems to be appreciated. Her father now lives in the area and bad mouths me to her and vice versa. This from a man who never paid a penny of child support for any of his children. I miss my granddaughter who has been withheld from me. It’s all so sad to even have to write this but I just wanted you to know you aren’t the only one. My prayers and sympathies are with you.
Sadly it happens fairly often and it’s heartbreaking. It makes me sad and it makes me mad. Please find yourself some good friends and rebuild your life, even if it is without your children or grandchildren. You never know, as the grandchildren grow up, hopefully they will realize that not everything told to them was the truth. God knows.
I know what all of you have felt, I have been verbally abusive for 25 years now by my older daughter, I have helped her beyond belief with everything but she has continued to call me every F word she can come up with, I am older and have said my health can’t take it and she says go cry some other place, she says she will have a relationship with me if a apologize for ruining her life, which I will not do and my younger daughter has joined in with her to have a relationship that she never had with her because she abused her for many years. She has turned my two grandchildren against me and I cannot see them because she is afraid my horrible influence will hurt them.I am in therapy and will continue to help myself get through this horrible abuse to me.
My daughter, 45, has been verbally abusive to me for years. She will say something disrespectful, try to make me feel guilty about my parenting in the long distant past, accuse me of not caring for her or my grandchildren, take her anger out on me, etc. (She is a very unhappy person in an unhappy marriage.) Then a few days later she will call and apologize. And I always accept her apology. We go for a while with things being good, and then the whole ugly thing starts again.I know I am partly responsible for this pattern, although I have never told her that she is abusive to me. I am single and have relied on her too much. She is my only child. She was nice to me when her children were small and she needed my help with them. Now they are grown and the abuse is really stepping up (she no longer needs me). I am depressed when we are on the outs. I love her and am happy only when things are good between us.
June, my daughter is about the same age, in her early 40s now. I got tired of the outbursts toward me that were sometimes followed by apologies (but often not) and have called an indefinite time out. For a time I thought I should “be there” for the sake of my granddaughter who is now in high school. But she (dgtr) has put a barrier up there as well keeping the two of us apart. I believe she needs a good mental evaluation and treatment in order for us to have a good mother daughter relationship. Time will go by and she will call me on the phone needing something from me which is what I am currently dealing with. What is odd is that it’s really something her brother, my son, needs. Finally I told her to have him contact me as I didn’t have any way of reaching him. She alienates me from him and considers herself to be of more importance as a sister than I as the mother. Long story short, and as hard as it is to do, I have gone on with my life and not allowed her to run it for me. Once she can step up and be civil to me, should that wonderful day come, then and only then will things change between us.
Thanks, anonymous, for your response. Yes, we do have some things in common. I am planning to see a counselor by myself to try to deal with my situation. You are correct that it is very important for us to go on with our lives, and hope that one day (sooner rather than later) these daughters will treat us with respect and caring. I have allowed her to treat me badly (abuse me verbally and psychologically) for far too long. But I know it will be hard for me not to reach out to her as I have repeatedly done in the past. I probably don’t even know how hard at this point. But recently she has even stopped apologizing for poor treatment of me, and it is way too painful to go on as I have.
June, I hope counseling will help you cope with the situation and give you some answers. One of the reasons I called a time out (for lack of a better description!) is that I got so tired of the roller coaster ride. My daughter has always been a challenge and after 40 some years her behavior started taking its toll and was having an adverse effect on my health. I was surprised to learn from others that I was not alone in this regard. Sad but true.
Yes, a time-out is a good way to put it. Roller coasters can be fun for very short times, but they make you sick if you stay on them too long. I am feeling very weary of my daughter’s abuse. I admit, though, that I continue to worry that we will not have a relationship at all in the future, which would be very sad (even worse than sad). I am not married and have only one child (and two grown grandchildren, one of whom is estranged from me). The second grandchild and I are fine, but he is 19 and busy living his own life and really doesn’t have that much time for me anymore (understandable, of course).
I never expected anything like this to happen to me. My daughter and I had such a wonderful, close relationship for such a long time (decades) and now it has deteriorated. I think she blames me (at least in part) for the wrong choices she has made. I think she resents me for having what she considers a better life than she does now that I am retired. I think she takes her anger out on me.
June, I feel your pain. I realize everyone’s situation is different with their daughters. With mine I believe she has bi polar disorder or borderline personality disorder. She struggles with relationships and has few friends. I received a scathing email from her today in response to my “have your brother call me”. That’s all I said to her and received a cruel reply. She doesn’t want me to respond to her email and really I’m not sure anything I can say will get through to her anyway so I don’t intend to.
I think our daughters are alike. Mine, like yours, could have bi-polar disorder or something else. She is isolated and I’m not aware that she has any real friends. Her 20-year-old daughter, my granddaughter, abuses her and always has, even when she was a little girl. I know she is miserable with her life and takes it out on me, rather than dealing with her own choices. I often feel very sorry for her. But it is impossible to be supportive when she is cruel to me. She refuses to go to counseling with me or her daughter. It sounds like you are unable to get through to your daughter and that she is using you as her personal punching bag. These kids know we love them and think we (as their mothers) will put up with anything to have a relationship with them. Frankly, I have been doing that for way too long. I want to quit doing that. At their ages, I think it is OK to create some “conditional” rather than “unconditional” love. Don’t you?
June, I’ve been upset all day over my daughter’s email. I wish her words didn’t bother me so much. Like Leslie said above:
Sadly it happens fairly often and it’s heartbreaking. It makes me sad and it makes me mad. Please find yourself some good friends and rebuild your life, even if it is without your children or grandchildren. You never know, as the grandchildren grow up, hopefully they will realize that not everything told to them was the truth. God knows.
Once my daughter recognizes this kind of behavior is not okay and gets some help I’d prefer to be left in peace.
It’s so hard to feel like you are alone in this situation.That’s why I came to this website.I do not know anyone who is going through this personally. My friends/acquaintances all seem to have wonderful relationships with their children and grandchildren. I’m always hearing about the good times they have together. It’s painful to hear about them. I may try to find a support group that meets in my area, but I really do not know if such a thing exists. I am constantly hoping, of course, that I will hear from my daughter and that she will agree to go to counseling with me. But I sure don’t want to hear from her only to get denigrated in some way. I am sorry for your situation, too. It is good to have you to talk to and know you understand.
I only know too well what you are experiencing June. I feel like we are in the same boat but many of the posters in this thread are going through the same. I’ve given Leslie permission to share my email with you if you’d like to keep in touch through that. God Bless, Debbie
Yes, I would be fine with sharing our experiences through email. Please have Leslie send it to me. I will respond with my own e-mail back to you. Thanks so very much.
Hello June, I told Leslie to give you my email. Hope you are doing well today. Prayers for you and all who are going through similar problems with their daughters ~ Debbie
I have not received your e-mail from Leslie.
Hello June, I gave it to Leslie to give to you. And I believe you contacted her as well? If not, try that maybe?
No, I did not contact Leslie. Did she respond to you about sending it? I will go ahead and ask her to do that, too.
No, I haven’t heard a thing…. maybe it’s something she is unable to do for some reason.
My daughter moved in with me two years ago. After moving in she literally took over my home, my life, my finances, isolated me from friends, causes conflict between me and her sister who also lives with us. I was a private care assistant/companion and when my client passed away we agreed it would be better for my grandchildren if I stayed home with them. She leaves early in the morning and stays gone until late at night. If I refuse to watch the kids on the weekend she either just walks out leaving them here anyway or refuses her share of the bill money. We went without gas for a week as retaliation for me refusing to watch the kids one Saturday. My daughter agreed to pay me a small sum to care for the two babies. She rarely pays me. I have a nice sports car that I worked very hard for. My daughter is now using it for work even though it is uninsured because she won’t pay me. My beautiful home is always trashed with toys and dirty dishes because I am physically unable to care for this many people. Why do I put up with all this and more? Because when I try to put my foot down or say no to another violation my daughter goes into a rage. She torments me with horribly long and numerous texts for hours on end telling me how I’m too stupid to see she is taking care of everybody and I will give her what she wants or she she will either kick me out on the street or move out, leaving me unable to cover rent on my own. Either way I’m homeless. I know she will do it because we shared a home after my divorce. She got mad at me one afternoon and gave me three hours to get out and she kept the house we had gotten together. She had gone behind my back and had my name taken off the lease. The texts go on for hours or days until I finally wear down and just give her what she wants. She is relentless. She talks terribly about me and her sister behind our backs. Everybody thinks she is financially supporting us both. My youngest daughter works and pays her share of the bills. I watch the children fifteen hours a day and even overnight when she claims her housekeeping business requires she cleans overnight. She threatens to keep my grandchildren from me. She threatens physical violence if I don’t submit. She pays me so little and so seldom that I cannot afford to put gas in my car and even go see a friend. I haven’t had my blood pressure meds in weeks. Last night she started screaming at her sister. I grabbed up the babies to keep them away from the ugliness. As I walked down the hall she told me to go slit my own throat and just die. I am going through the disability process. I have no way to leave. I’m trapped. I pray every day that God will deliver me but I also worry about the kids if I’m not here for her to take her anger out on. Will that anger turn on her children? She tells me I’m depressed and psychotic and that I need meds. I am not. I’m just in a hopeless situation.
I have daughter she is 40 and has mental illness. People systematically blaming me for her behavior. Her father was having mental illness why those stupid people always blaming me .She us very angry and abusive. I dont talk to her anymore
Yvette
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Topic: My adult daughters verbally abuse me. How can I get them to stop? – Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling