His Drinking Is Destroying Our Marriage. Help.
Morning friend,
I’ve had an amazing trip in Italy staying in Assisi and finishing up in Rome. This was a bucket list trip with my sister, where we took time to “be still and know that He is God.” Each morning we sat in quiet stillness, walked in beauty slowly and thoughtfully, met the most amazing people, had profound spiritual experiences and ate great Italian food. I feel so blessed that I had this opportunity. Here are a few of my favorite pictures.
Today’s Question: My husband and I have been married for a little under a year. When we met, he was not a Christian and I was already walking with the Lord for many years. Through my sharing of the Gospel, he came to Christ. My husband had a rough past filled with drugs, alcohol, a nasty divorce and his son who he has unfortunately not been able to see for many years now. When he became a Christian, he was filled a desire to honor Him in all things and he took it seriously, he was on fire for the Lord and many saw a transformation in him including my family.
Fast forward we get married and that’s when things started to go downhill. For some time leading up to our wedding I started to see the decline in his spiritual walk and our relationship, emotionally speaking. I moved to the state he was in (I don’t have immediate family here and we honestly have only made one close friendship from church.) Within weeks of moving and getting married I noticed his behavioral changes, more isolated, unmotivated, tired, not wanting to go to church or pray, reduced emotional and sexual intimacy in our marriage. All which were symptoms for which I later found he was going behind my back and drinking heavily to the point he was drunk the majority of the time and would go out of his way to get a drink daily.
When I found out I was devastated. We manage to “get past it” and I forgave him, but we never forged a plan to actively fight this. So months later it happed for a 2nd time. Same thing. Now a few months later and it has happed a 3rd time but worse. I was a wreck because he pushed me away, didn’t talk to me for days. I was so frustrated and hurt because all I wanted to do was know what was going on. he shut me out and many of those that love him dearly.
Needless to say after days of crying, desperation and praying we managed to talk. He opened about the many factors contributing to his change in behaviors like “identity” problems, baggage from his past, stored resentment and feelings of loneliness, failure etc. But we have yet to address the alcohol problem.
I know that’s it’s serious because every day he has to go and buy drinks. Although we have made progress to talk about some of the underlying issues, I don’t know how to navigate the alcohol problem.
I have other woman in my life that are supporting me in prayer and know my situation. I had mentioned going to celebrate recovery and counseling, but he hasn’t said no or yes. I need help in how to approach the topic, how to speak to him, and how I can best support him. I know he desires to get out of this pit that’s he’s in but he hasn’t made any steps regarding the alcohol dependency he has (aside from the speaking about emotional and spiritual burdens).
I love him dearly but it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I have an alcoholic husband, that isn’t capable of leading our home the way he vowed, that even kissing him makes me sick because of the smell of alcohol and that everything we ever dreamed and prayed for has been reduced to watching him drinking and being on his phone screen for most of the day. How do I intervene and keep my sanity while we both navigate through this valley?
Answer: Dear one, I so appreciate your heart and care for your husband and his problems. As you’re finding out, when we marry someone, they come with baggage and your husband’s suitcases are full. Becoming a new believer does not remove that baggage. Rather, God invites us to unpack our baggage and look at areas in our life that are hurting, sinful, unhealthy, and toxic to ourselves and those we love so we can heal, grow and mature.
You mentioned that he’s begun to share some of his underlying hurts with you. That’s great but not enough. His coping strategy is to numb out with alcohol and be on his phone. You asked, “How do I intervene and keep my sanity while we both navigate through this valley?”
To start, it’s essential you clarify who has what problem. Your husband’s problem is he’s in a lot of pain. He is lonely, resentful, insecure, and feels like a failure, etc. He chooses to cope with his pain with alcohol and phone scrolling. Instead of unpacking his inner life and figuring out who he is and what he wants, he numbs out. He knows he has problems with his internal feelings and his alcohol abuse, yet he chooses not to get help for either area.
Here is an important and painful truth you must accept if you want to keep your sanity and health. From what you wrote, I don’t see him participating in your goal of “both navigating through this valley.”
As a result, your problem is you’re all alone navigating through this valley. You’re feeling disappointed and angry. The man you thought you married is missing. Your marriage is lonely and lacking. His excessive drinking turns you off. You’re coming to terms with the painful truth that you love a man who would rather shut down and numb out than face his internal struggles and deal with them.
It’s tempting for you to focus your energy on solving his problem. You believe, “If only he gets help, then he’ll be the man I married.” It’s true, your problems are solved if he gets help for his problem. But the error in your thinking is that you have no control over his problems nor whether he gets help. You can beg, plead, threaten, and coerce someone into counseling, AA or a treatment program, but you can’t make someone do the internal work to get healthy. Only he can do that work, and it’s hard, painful work.
Letting go of fixing his problem does not mean you don’t care. It means you accept you can’t control what he chooses to do with his problems. Therefore, your next right step is to face your problem. Your marriage is a huge disappointment. What are you going to do with your resentment? Hurt? Disgust?
Yes, you can forgive, but how do you do live with someone you don’t trust? Don’t like? Feel turned off by? What support, self-care and boundaries do you need to have for your own well-being, so you don’t become further damaged by his problems? How do you show care for him without enabling his dysfunction or trying to manage it for him?
At the minimum I’d encourage you to join a group for yourself and your well-being. Celebrate Recovery can provide some support and structure to help you curb your own co-dependent tendencies as can Al-Anon. You may also find working with a coach or personal therapist helpful if you find you need more help processing your painful feelings and deep disappointments. You said you wanted to keep your sanity during this valley and that’s a great goal. Living with an addict that refuses to get help or do their work can lead to some unhealthy coping strategies yourself. Please get the support you need so you don’t shut down in despair or explode in rage.
Friend, when you’ve experienced a close relationship with a person who refuses to do his own work, and it’s impacting you, what have you done to stay (or get) healthy?
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I have walked in your shoes. I recommend running to Alanon and a coach or counselor. Alcoholism is not a respecter of people, Christian or not. It was painful to read about your present reality…however, YOU hold the keys to “walking across the bridge” whether your husband walks across it or not. One step at a time. You can do it.
Sister, I am sorry that you are experiencing this situation with your new husband. I have experienced the same except my husband of 3 years has been a “Christian” for decades but refuses to acknowledge his addiction to alcohol. Leslie is spot on about changing your thinking. You cannot control his behavior but you can your own. My husband progressed from drunken anger to extreme emotional and verbal abuse and to destroying my property when not drunk. I finally filed for divorce after 3 years of praying and begging for change. I will pray that you hear God’s clear voice and that you are able to make good decisions in your thinking as well. God cares about your heart and your life.
Sadly, I chose to divorce my alcoholic (christian) spouse who was in the habit of drinking and driving, frequently. The day he drove our commercial vehicle on a state highway, while intoxicated, was the day I knew I had to go. He had also given up church attendance and prayer in our home several years previous to this.
He has no desire to give up alcohol and still has not done so post separation and divorce (2 years ago). This story sounds so familiar to me that I could have written it. I did try Al-Anon for about 3 years
and it was helpful to me. I think my participation in Al-Anon and keeping constant contact with my (Higher Power – God) was what helped me realize
that I could not longer sustain my marriage due to his dangerous and reckless behavior.
My peace has been restored although I do still experience sorrow, occasionally, at the loss of my marriage. My health is improving and my safety is so much better now that I’m not being driven around by someone who is intoxicated (sometimes hidden drinking and I thought he was sober to drive) . Each day, God is restoring beauty for ashes as promised.
I love the answer given to you by Leslie & Co. I, too, have had a similar journey with an alcoholic husband. Together we had spent 4 years in Al-Anon helping ourselves cope with our only son’s addiction to crack cocaine. The principles of the 12-steps are extremely helpful and align with sound Biblical doctrine. The hardest thing in the world is to not focus on someone else’s bad behavior. Be kind to yourself when you feel you fail. I’ll pray for you!
I walked 7 years with my husband in the grips of alcohol addiction. Your post brought me back to the early days when I was just starting to realize the severity of the problem. I did anything and everything in my power to try to get him to confront his issues and change, and after several years of that, I started to learn I had my own work to do. I went to Celebrate Recovery, found a good counselor and began to learn how very codependent I was. I thought it was a Biblical virtue to be “long-suffering,” but I learned my view of long-suffering was skewed, thinking if I did everything in my power to stick it out, eventually he’d come around. It wasn’t until I set some hard boundaries (I served him separation papers and asked him to move out) that he actually took me seriously. It felt “mean” at the time but it was for the best. I finally had peace and quiet from the daily heartache and he had to face the consequences of his own choices rather than me taking the impact while trying to give him a soft place to land. He said a few months into separation, he was in his friend’s camper and thought to himself, “What am I doing? I have a home and a family!” He didn’t change until the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of change. I say these things to encourage you to hold firm boundaries and focus on your own health and recovery. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted years trying to push him to change while thinking I knew best, seeing my suffering as a godly virtue. God does not want you to suffer or enable sin. I encourage you to be the healthiest, best version of yourself and call your husband to the same by creating boundaries. The healthy distance you create from him will show you whether he truly wants to change and get healthy or not – but either way, YOU will be a healthy, sane person.
Al-Anon has been a huge help for me in understanding my responsibility as separate from my alcoholic husband’s responsibility. Glory to God, he reached out to AA, has an amazing sponsor (a pastor!), is working the steps. We are in individual counseling and marital counseling as well as Re:Generation because we both want to move forward. It is hard, not gonna lie. But Al-Anon has been the biggest help in teaching me how to show up for myself in the midst of disillusionment and even biased thinking regarding alcoholism. There is hope!
HI, I have read the post and the replies. I did not have an alcoholic husband, I had a dry alcoholic. He blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage, so I went for counseling for my own issues, for which I had many. (21 years into our marriage) After I started my own recovery from childhood sexual abuse, I prayed for 9 years for my husband to see the change in me. He did see the change in me and began to work on his own recovery. We will have 45 years of marriage this summer. Don’t try to control what he is doing, the only person you can control is yourself. I would suggest you attend Al-Anon, buy the Big Book of AA and begin reading it and get yourself into counseling. Hopefully your husband will come to his senses and see that you really do love him, but you cannot nag him to change. Al-non will teach you that.
You have been given such great advice here. I echo all of it.
As an adult child of an alcoholic very similar to your husband (and some addicts in my extended family) I will add a few ideas.
Especially if you have kids or intend to, your boundaries for safety are very, very important. As much as you love your husband, due to the drinking and driving trust is harmed. I recommend not driving with him, and not allowing your children to ride with him until he has made a full recovery (over an extended period of time). Make this a legal order if he doesn’t cooperate.
Also, PLEASE do not isolate yourself in your bewilderment. My sober parent tended to do this as an introvert, and their world became very small—with few resources. This created so many unnecessary parallel problems to deal with on top of the drinking. Find fellowship in multiple outlets. AA and Al-Anon recommend 90 meetings in 90 days for a reason. Celebrate Recovery is also a very good place to get emotional and spiritual support- especially Open Share groups. Church, personal counseling, and Leslie’s programs are also givens.
I know you just got married, so divorce may not be something you are ready to consider. Legal separation might be an easier concept for now. I encourage you to check out DivorceCare support groups- even while still married. It can give you another supportive fellowship, Biblical guidance (Leslie is featured in the videos!), and perspective from the those who have or are navigating the road you may consider later. At minimum, you will come out better equipped to make wise choices – no matter what route you take.
Finally, please don’t lie to yourself. It is easy to ignore problems when are hopes and dreams are being shattered before our eyes. Unfortunately, deceiving yourself will make it worse. My sober parent found it useful to keep a record of incidences with the alcoholic: what happened, what was said, feelings, etc. it provided perspective, helped to surface pattern, and acknowledged what would otherwise have been the “elephant in the living room.” It can help you when you see a counselor to have these details dated and timed-not to accuse your husband, but to validate your concerns. It will also help you to not lie to yourself.
I am praying for you with heartfelt understanding <3
I have walked this heart breaking road as well with my husband. I didn’t realize my husband was an alcoholic until after we were married and living in the same house. Then I saw the patterns. When I first approached him about it, he was extremely defensive and accused me of being judgmental and not a Godly wife. He began to hide his drinking from me but I could always tell when he had been drinking. I’d also find empty bottles hidden in the recycling cans. In the mean time I had a child who was coming home from rehab soon, so I had to have a very tough conversation with my husband about what our home would look like once she was back. There could be no alcohol in the house or drinking in order to help her to stay sober. He gave me the silent treatment for a month and that was when I asked him for a separation. He moved out and spent his time apart from me being angry at me for not loving him like a Godly wife should. He never did stop drinking. He wouldn’t put the work into himself that needed to be done so we ended up getting a divorce. I found that God was incredibly faithful to me in this season of life to help me navigate all of this though, and He gave me discernment that I did not have in my own power, as well as the strength to survive this. Today I am still single and while I do miss being in a relationship, the one I have with God has proven to be enough. So that’s what I would say to anyone on this journey, God IS enough. If you stay. If you go. He is enough and He will tell you what you should do in a situation like this. He will put people, information, and circumstances in front of you after you ask Him for His help that will get you to the place He knows is best for you.
So very much yes. I van very much relate to what you wrote, except my former husband’s addiction was pornography. His favorite sins were lust, adultery and rage. God led me to safety. He is indeed enough..
This question of Leslie’s is the core question for me: “ How do you show care for him without enabling his dysfunction or trying to manage it for him?”
Does anyone have the answer?
I know the typical answers of not making excuses if he misses work, etc.
My question is how to handle it from a relationship perspective, as it affects the marriage.
I know his drinking is his responsibility, not mine; that I can’t control it; that nothing I say or do has made any difference; and that he will only stop abusing alcohol when he chooses to change.
But never saying anything, ignoring the issue, also feels wrong.
I am concerned that my husband is ruining his health with AUD ( alcohol use disorder). AUD is linked to higher incidences of cancer, cognitive decline, and dementia, among other long term issues.
My therapist has suggested that when my husband complains about fatigue, memory issues, etc, that I say, “ do you think maybe your alcohol use could have something to do with that?”
My husband’s behavior, mental health, memory, emotional control, and physical health are all adversely affected by his alcohol overuse. I have …very gently…mentioned my concern, a few times. He refuses to acknowledge his problem, and blames his behavior on “ stress”… or me.
When do you speak up? When do you ignore his behavior, and walk away?
I am in a somewhat tricky situation in that our adult disabled child is soon moving back home for a time. As was the case when the kids were living at home, I’m finding myself walking both on eggshells, and on a tightrope, trying to maximize my child’s health and comfort while not alienating my husband…which could also be interpreted as placating him…
I don’t feel I can safely “ rock the boat” right now; maybe in a year…
Is it ever appropriate to say, choose alcohol or me?
This is a hard long journey. It is one with many ups and downs. But ultimately, you have to come to a point of surrender. Right now, caring for yourself and your recovery is important. People have mentioned Alanon but there are other programs like Celebrate Recovery or Recovery Alive that are also helpful. The most helpful for me was listening to Married to Addition podcast and joining her group. I also joined CORE for a season as well. .Both groups helped me stay sane, learn how to set boundaries and “stay well”. What I like about Married to Addiction is that it is a group a Christian women who are all in the same boat with the addiction side of things and the leader has been through it with her husband and created the group out of what she learned. Educating yourself about alcoholism is so important and she guides you through things so well.
I’m sorry you’re going through this sad journey. There’s so much wisdom already shared by Leslie and in the comments. I too walked this painfully hard road with my first husband. It began very early in our marriage and his alcoholism and behavior patterns became worse with time (there were a couple of short periods of time in the 16 years we were together/married he tried to stop & do inner healing work). I got help early on thru Al-Anon, then Celebrate Recovery and therapy. God gave me a wake-up moment, after my former husband was arrested & jailed overnight for DUI and fleeing the scene. Our children were 11, 6, & 2. I knew I had to do what was in the best interest for me and my children and separated from him. I hoped the separation would help my former husband decide to get help, however, it didn’t, we divorced and now, 12 years later, he has not changed. It’s been a terribly difficult journey for my children, now 25, 21, & 16. I’ve never regretted my decision, have grown & healed and been restored and have realized that love can’t fix someone .Loving someone struggling with an addiction & loving ourself is about having the courage and caring enough to set healthy boundaries, not enable, and letting go of the fear of outcome. We must give them over to God and, sometimes this means letting them go and distancing. God has always been by my side and my strength & comfort…He is so, so good. I wish you all the best in your walk.
Thank you.
I’ll remember those key points:
1. Set healthy boundaries
2. Don’t enable
3. Let go of the fear of outcome
4. Trust God to take care you and them…even if it means letting go, and distancing yourself
My heart goes out to the writer of the question. For those of us who have been in a marriage to a person who developed or relapsed into an addiction, it’s gut-wrenching. It took me too long to get up the courage to go to Al-Anon, but once I did, it was life-giving. Every week I felt like I was given tools to work on myself, my reactions, my words, my attitudes, and the flurry of emotions every day would bring. I feel sure the other programs mentioned, such as Celebrate Recovery, are just as helpful, but I can’t speak from personal experience for anything but Al-Anon. Being with a group of people who were in the same situation longer than me with a program to help them gave me courage to change, serenity to accept what I could not change, and wisdom to know the difference, one day at a time. Do not try to go it alone. I believed for far too long that the Bible should be enough, but when you need your car fixed, a person who has studied and learned how to be a mechanic will be better at fixing your car than a theologian. The 12 steps are based on the Bible, but there is something about the program and the experience of the group that will help you begin to know what you should do in your circumstances while walking in faith and dependence on God.
Did my marriage heal miraculously? No, but I grew to have great peace as I responded and behaved differently. At first my husband was so thrilled about the new me that didn’t nag, manipulate and try to control him. But one day he realized he could no longer blame me for his problems or count on me to rescue him from his self-made chaos and destruction. He left me after I spent just 9 months in Al-Anon. We’d been married over 27 years. I wish he would have gotten help for his addiction, but he never did. He’s been divorced 3 times now and has a sad life. But I have had a very blessed life, and would encourage the woman who wrote the question that she can trust God with whatever happens. But things will not change if she keeps doing the same things. Joining a support group was recommended in most of the comments for a reason! If you grow in your identity in Christ and wisdom from people who have experience, strength and hope, you will be okay no matter what happens with your husband.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful pictures too, Leslie! I’m so glad you had a great trip.
My heart goes out to you, falling for someone who’s battling alcoholism, only to discover the challenge deepened after the wedding, can feel overwhelming and deeply isolating.
My heart is breaking and bleeding reading all these comments. My husband of almost 20 years has struggled with addiction to any substance. Unhealthy cycles of maintaining sobriety, then triggers, cravings, ultimately always relapsing. We have 4 daughters who have watched their dad in his cycles. The worse part for me is the fact he uses scripture that I cannot biblically leave him, God will not bless me. He pours guilt over me. His church leaders protect him and no one reached out to help me when we lost our home and all my sanity. They said if I leave him I am going against God’s will. I left a year ago. Just recently he had a DUI with my 11yo daughter in the truck. He does not believe in any modern psychology or counseling. AA is a joke to him. For me the worst part is now most of my girls are on team dad. I am leaving in faith and walking into healing. My girls are mostly grown now and with time they will understand. Nara non has been a God send for me! We do a group therapy style. Found a counselor who is helping me walk all this out well for my sake and worthiness. I am in the thick of it with you dear sister.
I’m asking for prayers during one of the hardest seasons of my life and marriage. After nearly 20 years together, my husband and I are at a difficult crossroads. Recently, he has turned to drinking as a way to cope
a change that started after we both stepped away from ministry, a calling that once gave him meaning and structure.
While he has built a successful business and is proud of his independence, I am deeply troubled by the lifestyle that now comes with it. The drinking, the disappearing nights, and the rejection of the life we once shared feel like a betrayal to me. I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive, knowing he is dealing with pain and emotional battles, but this choice to numb himself with alcohol is something I cannot accept or live with.
I feel angry, let down, and increasingly distant. It hurts to watch someone I love so deeply poison himself week after week. I don’t want to be emotionally tangled with someone who shuts off his feelings and ignores the impact on our family and me.
At the same time, I am trying to protect my peace and my children’s stability as we prepare to move house and start a new chapter with our kids entering new schools. I am setting firm boundaries because I can no longer tolerate this way of living, but it’s heartbreaking to accept that the man I’ve known for two decades is no longer the same and I don’t know if or when he will change.
Please pray for strength, clarity, and peace for me as I navigate this painful reality. Pray for healing in my husband’s heart, that he may find true freedom from his struggles and rediscover purpose beyond this season. And pray for our family
that we may find grace and hope even in the midst of this storm.
Tonight he is out again after telling me he wasn’t going go out because we are moving house in 19 days and he needs to focus during this season but clearly that was a lie too…