Navigating Self-Doubt When Leaving an Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Hello! It is beginning to look a bit like spring in most areas of the country by now. Though there has been snow in recent days, the crocuses and daffodils are springing up in my neighborhood. I am looking forward to sunshine and warm weather, and yet I know, there is likely to be more flurries before the month is over. I have some lawn care I want to complete this spring, like mulching, planting flowers in my pots, as well as possibly pulling out and replacing a few plants. There are a pair of flowering bushes in my north facing landscape that have not been flourishing the past few years and yet they produced some blooms last summer. I gave them a significant pruning last fall. Still I wonder if maybe they are not getting enough sunlight. I want to believe they will be alive and well come summer, but I won’t really know for some time yet. Time will tell if there is enough to promote growth and health in the life of my plants. I have done all I know to do and I am willing to wait one more season. That is my limit and then I will move forward with new plant life of some sort. When it comes to small gardening decisions like this, the stakes are not very high. Even so, it takes some time and energy to evaluate, gain clarity, create a plan, and commitment to the process. When dealing with significant relationships, the process may be similar. Yet, the pain of loss is greater and care more will be taken when deciding to let go.
Today’s Question: I have chosen to leave my emotionally destructive marriage. How do I stay sane during the days when he’s all of a sudden acting and speaking the way I’ve begged him to for 23 years. It makes me doubt myself and hate myself when he’s acting “right” all of a sudden. It hurts just as much as all the pain he’s caused me.
Susan’s Response: The choice to leave an emotionally destructive relationship is a hard one. If you are anything like the women I have coached, I am sure it was not a quick decision. As you know, it can take years or even decades to get to the point where you are ready to leave.
It is important to understand that a highly destructive person uses whatever needed in order to maintain coercive control. That may include making temporary changes in the ways you desire. I want to highlight the word temporary here. Sudden changes without a lot of intentional work toward health and healing, will not last.
If you have been begging him for 23 years, he is well familiar with what it is you want and how to placate you. He may be playing on your emotions of self-doubt and self-hatred in order to get you to re-engage with him. The “right” behaviors may be a different form of destruction used to cause confusion and to regain control. In which case, his behaviors would return to the previous state of destruction soon after you return to the relationship.
If your spouse has gotten support and has been intentional about growth and healing, he will understand your need to wait to see if change is lasting. Self reflection and ownership of the harm that was caused will be evident in consistent changes over a long period of time. It is natural to feel some discomfort as you wait.
To help yourself stay sane during this period, remind yourself why you left. It may be helpful to journal or to read old journals you have written about the destructive relationship patterns you have noticed in the 23 years of the marriage. Short term changes are not enough to complete a relationship repair or to warrant a shift in your direction.
Be kind to yourself and embrace your emotions by acknowledging them and validating them. Continue to get support from wise people who understand destructive relationship tactics and can speak truth into your life. Prioritize your wellbeing by maintaining a caring relationship with yourself. Allow yourself time to accept the reality of what is and to clearly evaluate possible new emerging patterns. Understand that short term changes do not indicate a change in motivations.
Leaving a 23 year relationship is going to create intense feelings of grief, grief over the loss of what was good in the relationship and grief over the loss of what you wanted for marriage. Be compassionate towards yourself; give yourself time to process and heal.
You may want to shift your time and energy from your spouse to focusing on your future and regaining a sense of identity. This may require establishing your limits and holding boundaries. Begin to explore your interests and passions, and rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.
Be well!
Beloved reader, what have you done to keep yourself sane whilst navigating the destructive relationship patterns in your relationships?
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I’ve been rereading my old journals, and it has been so helpful for me to see the patterns in my marriage that were very unhealthy. I’ve documented many a fight and the many, many promises he made about changing and validating what I saw. Telling me I’m not crazy, I do see correctly. But then…no change. If I dared bring it up, he’d get defensive, sullen and punish with the silent treatment. I was sleeping a ton on the weekends and would get “sick” from time to time with vague flu-like symptoms that I couldn’t explain. Now that he’s been out of the house for a year, I no longer have those symptoms or need as much sleep. One journal entry that really spoke volumes was when we had a fight and I explained that I saw his past behavior as one of two things: 1) He is truly clueless and unable to make changes due to some disability or emotional wounding OR 2) He is capable, but he simply chose to ignore me and pursue what he wanted over and over and over again. If it’s option 1, well then, do I have to wait another 20 years for him to grow an inch? If it’s option 2, then I’m simply speechless. That’s abuse, although I didn’t state it that way to him. He didn’t answer me that night. He went to counseling the next day and we went on a date night, and this came up again and I asked him if he could identify with one or the other option. He got really quiet and admitted it was option 2! This was 3 years ago. So, he essentially admitted to willfully ignoring me and my hurts and continuing to act however he wanted. All that to say, read your journals, and keep journaling! It is so, so helpful to make sense of the crazy fog (fear, obligation, guilt).
Thank you for sharing, Kären! I am glad you are part of the LV&Co community.
THIS!!!!! The hardest thing about leaving has been watching him become everything I wanted him to be – to everyone else. I’ve watched everyone believe him too. As if he’s always been this way, and I’m critical and unforgiving.
The thing that keeps my grip on reality is that I journaled a lot. I go back and re read the truth.
The fact that he is still lying about his behaviour and blaming me to the point where most of my friends from church no longer speak to me is proof positive that he hasn’t changed a bit. This is just a new game. He’s interested in maintaining his image as a “Godly” man. He’s more interested in his image than his marriage 😢. And that’s a heartbreaking truth to come to grips with.
It is a hard truth to come to grips with, Sunnyside! Accepting the reality of what is true can help so much. Blessings to you!
this is great advise! I was in an emotionally destructive marriage for 25 years. It’s hard to accept the reality, and not think all those things about yourself that they want you to believe. The three apologies I got were “I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.” “I’m sorry I’m not what you need.” and “I’m sorry you feel that way about me.” Those put the blame back on myself that I expected too much when in reality I truly didn’t. I’m so thankful for Leslie and crew for helping me navigate through the process of accepting the reality and realizing I had a decision to make because I definitely couldn’t change him. He gave me crumbs when he needed to keep me hooked in, but I grew and learned and knew I was worth more than those filthy crumbs off the floor. I’m divorced now as of Nov 2023. It’s not been an easy road, but I’m finding myself again. I’m not so hard on myself and I feel free to live without fear, guilt, and emotional rollercoasters. Blessings to you all as you navigate through these tough relationships.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard. You are very courageous to make the difficult decision to leave the destructive marriage. I stayed in one for almost 25 years and when I asked him to move out, he suddenly did things around the house that he couldn’t be bothered to do before, he made all kinds of promises, and tried all kinds of things to make me change my mind or doubt myself. But then I waited, and the old ways would resurface before long. He also used spiritual attacks, saying that if I didn’t get back together with him, he wouldn’t consider me a Christian, I have to submit to him, I’m not pleading God, etc. At the time, I was in a support group for women who were/had been in abusive relationships. I remember one of the facilitators saying that one way to know if change was genuine or not was to give it at least a year or even two to see if the “changes” are real and consistent, or if they are just a way to keep you hoping or keep you going back. It is part of the cycle of abuse and unfortunately often is not a genuine change but rather a tactic used to continue the control.
I also kept diaries and records of incidents over the years and the evidence was all there, sadly. I wish you strength in your journey, sister.
Thank you for your comments, DJ!
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been on the roller coaster ride 25 years. I finally left but I ended up canceling the attorney hearing and going to counseling with him. After 20+ years of asking he went. He did 3 months of anger counseling and learned his anger is from unmet needs of affection and sex. (About 7 Years ago He had made home pornography of me/us without my knowing or permission. I wanted to have him arrested and made to leave but was too scared. I still have to force myself to left him touch me) . Then he showed his nice side again and I moved back home. We’re back like we were and I’m trying to figure out what to do. I‘ve learned a lot but it’s extremely hard after being a stay at home mom for 18 years with a 16-year-old son with down syndrome and an 18 son graduating.
Dear Theresa, I may be misunderstanding what you were saying, but this caught my eye: “ He did 3 months of anger counseling and learned his anger is from unmet needs of affection and sex.”.
If that’s what he “ learned”, please know that isn’t true. Ever.
His anger is his choice. He chooses to take out his anger on you. He is an adult with complete control over his own behavior.
Whatever his “ reasons” for his anger are, they are never an excuse for harmful behavior.
You do not “ deserve” his anger, whether or not you provide his wants for affection and sex. Being married does not give men “ mineral rights” to use their wive’s bodies, in spite of what some harmful , incorrect religious teaching still tries to convince us is true. If you have to “ force yourself” to let your husband have physical contact with you, your body is telling you what your mind might not be ready to acknowledge: he is not a safe person for you. Listen to your God- given body.
Affection and sex are the “ fruits” of a safe, healthy relationship. They are not currency to be used to buy “ good” behavior, at the cost of hurting your heart and your self.
I grew up with all those same incorrect teachings. I used to have sex with my husband before “ important “ days and events, to “ put him in a good mood”. As the years went by, the “ good” periods became shorter, until they were non existent. It was never about mutual, reciprocal care and affection. Yet still, a friend just recently said, “ Maybe he wouldn’t be so mean if you gave him sex more often.”
And it finally occurred to me: I might bribe my dog with a treat, but I’m done sacrificing my body, heart, and self-esteem for a few minutes of the “ nice” behavior from my husband that I should be treated with ALL.THE.TIME. Regardless of anything I do or don’t do.
( I’m not talking about compromise and “ meeting each other’s needs” in a normal marriage. This is about sacrificing yourself for self preservation, to try to prevent abusive behavior against you.)
You do not deserve to be abused in any way, at any time. Ever.
You are not responsible for, or to blame for, abuse against you. Ever.
I totally empathize with the struggle of being an at home Mom of a child with extraordinary medical needs. Sometimes we are “ stuck” for a time.
What I’ve learned…recently…is that even if I can’t leave ( yet), I don’t need to devote most of my time to trying to figure out how to make my husband “ happy”, or to control his moods, or how to “make” him care about me.
I can work on my own growth and autonomy instead, and toward a hopefully better future.
It took me five years of study to understand the concept of personal boundaries: what I am responsible for ( myself; my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, stewarding and protecting myself ) and what I am never responsible for ( any other adult, their thoughts, feelings, behaviors).
I pray that you’ll continue to find strength, growth, and support with Leslie and other wise teachers.
Living in truth and reality can be very hard, but it’s the only way to get back to “ you”.
Blessings❤️
Hello Living in Grace!
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. While reading your response, I thought of lovely woman who has a YouTube Channel: The Shrewd Wife Life (Lillian). She was married to a covert narcissist for 34 years. Here’s what she speaks about giving your husband sex when your body says, “No.”: In a marriage without a true relationship, sex becomes a mere exchange of services, leaving your feminine heart unfulfilled. This destructive view suggests a man’s commitment ends with the wedding, expecting unlimited access to sex. This places an unnatural expectation on wives to deny (deceive) their God-given hormonal signals and always comply.
Femininity requires something from masculinity so that she can desire him.
In 1 Corinthians 7:3 Paul addresses husbands first in terms of “due benevolence” because a woman’s desire is driven by completely different hormones; opposite to a man’s. Without this connection in friendship and a growing relationship with masculine intentionality, sex is always reduced to just another chore.
A woman can’t just “get in the mood,” the way a man can. It’s God’s design for the feminine body to be the opposite; that’s why He created her with only 10% of the testosterone He gave a man.
If you’re tired of feeling like a prostitute instead of a woman in an actual relationship with your brother in Christ, stop faking it. No matter how long you’ve been deceiving your body, start living authentically now.
In marriage, some tasks are functions—cooking, working, cleaning, caring for children. These are obligations, but sex is not a duty; it’s the culmination of a friendship turned romantic relationship.
Stop believing you’re withholding sex if you honour your feelings. This masculine interpretation doesn’t align with how women experience sexuality. By living in truth and honouring your feelings, you’ll stop enabling masculine laziness. God says, if a man doesn’t work, he shouldn’t eat. This principle applies beyond just career and work; it’s about the ownership of masculine responsibility as the head and the appreciation of femininity in relationships, 1 Peter 3:7.
A great first step is to begin to learn the difference between doing the role of a wife and a woman being in a relationship with a man. Understand that your biology and hormones are intentional for you from your Father. This will help you to appreciate the differences between your estrogen-laden body and a testosterone-driven one.
Wow!! I just went through a year of Pastoral counseling sessions with my husband and it ended with the counselor saying I’ve abandoned the marriage because I don’t have “enough” sex with him. We agreed 1 a week but that wasn’t enough. I couldn’t even keep that up . I’m 59 on a n estrogen hormone. Blocker for breast cancer and now it’s so painful. I hate it. I’m afraid to say no he gets so angry mean then does the “love bombing” so strong It creeps me out.
Ps. I have 2 teenage sons who have watched this their whole life. I’ve always said Dad was mad at me not them. I wish I could tell them the truth behind our / his anger. I know my good responsible controlled response is what they need to see. I’m trying to not engage with his attacks-comments but it’s so hard. I’m want to learn new ways of thinking, responding, communicating. I want to be made a new person.
I feel like I’m every single one of these women 28 years of unbless full marriage I get so scared just thinking about talking about leaving so expensive where I live where would I go how would I afford it yada yada yada yada I also have two boys I’m hurting I’m struggling 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Gods own child. Thank you
Thank You. I’m not sure how I even got back to this. I believe God brought me back here. I’ve had such a hard time getting to do the conquer work, but I’m not giving up. He’s working from home this summer so I can’t use the computer or listen on my phone even or have my workbook materials out. I try to squeeze in a little time when I’m driving places. I have a lot of the workbook material printed and keep it in my car.
Living in Grace. Thank you from Theresa
I have been married for 2.5 years. My marriage was destructive from the start. I have had a lot of church trauma in my lifetime and did not have the best relationship with God. His destructive behavior caused me to run back to God and begin to work on my relationship with him and seek him with all my heart.
My husband doesn’t want a relationship with me but refuses to leave the house I have owned for 14 years.
I have decided to divorce, a few close friends and family know and are supportive.
I have spoken to my H about possible divorce and he has started giving me breadcrumbs. It’s not enough, he doesn’t want to truly reconcile or seek help for himself. There is no change of heart.
I don’t even know if I should tell my H I have an appointment with a lawyer. I fear he may fly into another fit of rage.
Right now I just try to stay away from him as much as possible, he has taken over the living room, sleeps on the couch, and I have the bedroom.
I don’t cook much because I don’t want to be in the kitchen. It’s too open to his living room/bedroom. I make quick simple meals and eat on a tv tray in the bedroom.
This is no way to live and it affects me physically. I try to get out and exercise for both my physical and mental health
I have been seeing a Christian counselor for over a year, started attending church, daily reading my Bible,
praying, i don’t know what else to do right now to move forward, I want to heal but it’s so hard with my H constantly here
Thank you for sharing, Heather! Blessings to you!
Thank you ladies for sharing parts of your stories and some of your pain. It has helped me frame my own situation and on occasion prompted needed reflection. So thank you and you’re in my prayers.
In Susans answer she mentioned grief over what was good and grief over what could have been.
That part stood out to me. It isn’t ALL bad is it? Or at least it wasn’t in the beginning. If it were why would we stay. And then there is hope. Hope he will change, hope it was the last time, hope you can indeed have the future you create in your head.
I once was told about an experiment where a rat pushed a lever and at random it would get a treat. Sometimes it would be 1 time sometimes 50. So the rat just kept obsessively hitting the lever even though it wasn’t getting what it really needed or wanted.
I can relate to that rat. For me books by Harriet Learner helped me codify my “bottom line”. What is it I REALLY want and need. The disparity between what I really need and what I am getting is vast. Defining my needs was part of seeing my situation truthfully not clouded in the hope of what could be.
That question is EXACTLY what I am going through. Thank you for asking it & getting the answer that I needed
That question is EXACTLY what I am going through. Thank you for asking it & getting the answer that I needed