Morning friend,

This is Christmas week. For some of you it’s a time for family gathering, gift giving, eating, caroling and remembering. For others it’s a day to get through as quickly as possible. You are alone (or feel alone). There are few or no gifts. It’s hard, no doubt.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible reminds me that I am not alone—not when the room is full, nor when it’s empty. The verse is found in the Christmas narrative. Zechariah the high priest had just had his hearing and voice restored after he confirmed that his newborn son’s name would be John (as the angel said). And in his prophecy Zechariah declares:

“Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” Luke 1:78-79

Today, if you’re sitting in darkness, the light has come. Emmanuel, God with us. God in us. Life here on earth is hard, but please don’t stay in the dark. Jesus is the light, and he reminds us that we too are the light (Matthew 5:14-15).

Question: Growing up I didn’t receive a lot of attention from my dad. My parents argued a lot and I saw my mom show a lot of pity towards my dad as he refused to change and deal with his past. I married my high school sweetheart and felt incredible pity for him because of his brokenness and irresponsibility. I went headstrong into marriage knowing I could really help him change. I loved the attention he gave me when we were dating. I was married for 26 years and the attention stopped soon after we got married, and he refused to listen to any of my help—including how to get a job or address my needs. Indifference and abuse set in and I just kept feeling so sorry for him and his life choices. I felt so sorry for him I continued to make excuses and excuse his irresponsibility. I finally woke up to reality and sadly filed for divorce.

My question is: how do I stop feeling sorry for men who are unhealthy or needy and stop the strong urge I have that I can fix them, help them, and make them better? Plus, I love the attention I get when I help them. I know this is unhealthy, but I don’t know where to start to change. I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who is healthy.

Answer: You’ve taken the first step towards health and that is self-awareness of your problem. You can’t fix or change something you won’t see or acknowledge. Give yourself some credit that you don’t want to repeat this familiar and comfortable pattern.

However, friend, you’re still lying to yourself when you tell yourself you can fix them and make them better. No, you can’t. It didn’t work with your dad; it didn’t work with your husband. You don’t have that kind of power. Even Jesus couldn’t fix Judas without Judas wanting to be fixed.

Your compassion and empathy are not bad traits—they’re good ones. But I do think you’ve identified the bigger issue here. You get a boost of self-esteem from believing the story that you can help someone. You said, “I love the attention I get.” Yes, if you had a thousand dollars in your purse and you were flinging dollar bills around to addicts, you’d get lots of attention and appreciation. It does feel good. But you wouldn’t be helping them become self-sufficient, responsible human beings. You’d be enabling their dependency on drugs and on you to supply them.

Wanting to be the hero of someone else’s story may be a role you assumed in childhood to get the love and connection you so desperately needed. You tried to be the hero of your father’s story, your husband’s story. But the truth is, we can care, we can help, but we can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed or changed. This part of you feels good rescuing others, but it’s unhealthy. You already know that, or you wouldn’t be asking your question. As I’ve said before, unhealthy person + unhealthy person = toxic and destructive relationship, which you’ve repeatedly experienced.

But here’s something you said that I want you to notice more clearly. You said, “I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who is healthy.” You’re right—you can’t. That’s because you don’t feel like you have anything to “offer” a healthy person. They don’t NEED you to fix them. If you’re flinging all your dollars around with a healthy individual, they won’t see you as amazing—they’ll wonder what’s going on with you. Why are you being so reckless with your money? And you believe that if someone doesn’t NEED you to HELP them, why would they bother with you? Do you see your dilemma here?

Therefore, if you want to change this pattern, your path forward is to work on you. Give yourself as much compassion and tenderness as you’ve shown to those broken men you so want to help. Honor and appreciate your compassion and empathy but use these gifts to empower you to change instead of giving them recklessly to those who don’t want to change.

Start by treating yourself as you’d like to be treated. Take care of yourself with as much energy as you’ve been giving to others. Notice when you are tempted to do for someone what they should be doing for themselves. Notice the high you feel when you do that and remind yourself that this feeling isn’t love, nor is it sustainable. Review your old history and the pain it caused so you’re not as tempted to repeat it to experience the high.

Practically, that may require you getting additional support, accountability, and help. You could join a Celebrate Recovery group, get a coach or counselor, or check out our six-month group coaching program starting in January called Empowered to Change, where you will get the tools, coaching, support and practice to make the changes you need to make in this New Year.

Friend, share some ways you have broken free from old patterns that may temporarily feel good but end up feeling bad.