How To Stop Feelings From Overpowering Wise Decisions
Hello Friends! Here in West Michigan, I find myself begrudging winter this time of year, as there is quite a bit of winter left in my future. Once the new year begins, I must intentionally resist the rush toward spring. I remind myself that winter has a purpose. There is no doubt, the midwestern winter season affects me. As I watch the plants and animals retreat to conserve energy before the spring growth, I wonder if God's purpose for winter is to provide a period of rest, reflection, and preparation for renewal. Perhaps this mirroring the natural cycle of His creation could teach humans to embrace a time of inward focus and patient trust in God's plan for new beginnings. The practice of rest and retreat has real value. How well are you wintering? In what ways could you cultivate restorative rest for yourself in preparation for what God is springing to life in you?
Today’s question: How do I get outside of my feelings so I can make smart decisions for myself and my children?
Susan’s Response: There is little information about the situation behind this question. Let me start by saying, finding safety is the first step in getting outside of your feelings. Getting to a place of safety is a smart decision for you and your children. Even though you may be able to create safety, don’t be surprised if you are still experiencing lasting intensity in your emotions and body. Be kind to yourself; this process can be challenging. I am certain there is a good reason why you are struggling. Your question is a short one and yet, it is also a big question that could have a lengthy response. I will try to give a meaningful but concise answer that assumes your survival needs are not the main issue.
Ultimately, feelings are meant to serve and help in making smart decisions. In order to allow feelings to be helpful, you must first gain awareness about what they are, where they are coming from, and practice regulating them so that they are not the only resource being used in making decisions. It can help to get outside your emotions by understanding what is happening inside your body and why.
Emotions that are heightened and overpowering have a tendency to take the lead in decision making, but they don’t lead in the direction of long term health or wisdom. They only know how to desperately focus on immediate survival needs, whether real or imagined. Finding balance between thoughts, feelings, body sensations and experience allow all of your internal resources to aid in smart decision making. As believers, God’s Word becomes an incredibly important resource as well.
For protection, God created all living things with mechanisms to help them survive in their environment. In the human brain, exists a small almond shaped structure called the amygdala and a walnut sized structure called the Thalamus. Sensory information comes into your body and travels by way of the Thalamus to the Amygdala. The thalamus is like the Grand Central Station for sensory information; it sends information on to where it needs to go next in the brain. Once received by the Amygdala, its job is to perceive threats from the raw unprocessed information sent by the Thalamus. This pathway of information processes at a very high speed but not very fully. Within milliseconds, your body is able to perceive a threat and respond with an amygdala guided defense reaction of fight, flight, or freeze. This is a brilliant system! For the purpose of survival, it is really very helpful. For the purpose of long term smart choices, it has some challenges.
Fortunately, God created humans with another pathway in the brain for processing information and for the purpose of making wise decisions. Sensory information is received by the Thalamus and gets sent on to the cortex of the brain for higher level processing. Although this process takes longer than the Amygdala pathway, it is able to provide much more complete information with more depth about what is being perceived. For example if I were to step on a black coiled object while cleaning up my garage, my Amygdala is likely to make a snap judgment and cause me to run in order to keep me safe from a snake. Shortly thereafter, my cortex would be able to discern the object is a harmless garden hose.
To get outside your feelings means to gain perspective and distance from your emotions by allowing your brain the time to fully consider all of the available data. The question you may now be asking is, How do I allow my cortex to fully process the information from my senses, and at the same time sooth my Amygdala so that it doesn’t perceive a threat and hijack my ability to choose my response?
There are several actions you can take for the health and wellbeing of your brain processes. Diet, sleep, and exercise are always important factors to consider. The Amygdala is positively affected by REM sleep, minimal sugar and caffeine intake, and movement of the body.
Not only is caring for your physical body crucial but also caring for your thought life is as well. When you think fearful thoughts, your Amygdala responds as if fear were your current reality. So while the Amygdala can perceive danger in your environment before you are even aware, it can also pick up threats coming from your own thoughts. Building self awareness regarding thoughts is important.
Although it is God’s desire for believers to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, in moments of intense and reactive emotions, it can seem too difficult to carry out the directive in 2 Corinthians 10:5. The Amygdala communicates through perceived experience rather than by way of thoughts or words. When the Amygdala is ignited with fear, it is better to speak to it in a language that it can understand. Practice this; by creating a visualization about a special verse, you can help calm the Amygdala through a felt experience. Here are a couple of my favorites:
Isaiah 43:1b, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
Isaiah 41:10, Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
The focus of this practice isn’t about trying not to feel fear, but instead to visualize and experience the gaze of a perfect parent who knows you, loves you and is right there with you. Pause, breath, and know God is there to help you balance your internal resources. He is with you as you observe your reaction rather than repressing or restraining emotions. He can help you put a name to what you are feeling. He is present as you witness the intensity of your emotions peak and as you experience the decline of your emotional reaction.
For many situations in life, the survival defenses of fight, flight,and freeze are not what is best for us long term. Through continued practice, you can pair this visualization experience with what triggers the unneeded survival response. Neuroscientists tell us that neurons that wire together fire together. This means the soothing connection between your felt experience and what is being unnecessarily perceived by the Amygdala can become stronger, allowing much faster and easier neural pathway communication in the future.
Be well!
Beloved reader, what skills have you learned that help when your emotions hijack your ability to respond in the way you desire most?
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While I feel my self control in the face of others’ actions is fairly well developed, a skill that I’ve been working on for a long time is to NOT TO BLAME MYSELF FOR OTHERS’ ACTIONS.
It seems it’s been a very deep, unconscious ( subconscious?) assumption for many of us that if someone …anyone !….is angry, unhappy, upset, etc…we are, somehow, either to blame, or responsible for “ fixing” the situation and “ making “ the other person happy, calm, and satisfied.
I think this is one of the greatest lies that has been perpetuated onto Christian women.
I have no problem being responsible for my own words and actions, and apologizing when necessary.
But I have come to realize that so much of my unhappiness and frustration has truly been created by others projecting their attitudes and actions onto me, and me accepting their projections as reality.
Even if I didn’t recognize what was happening, somehow internalizing and accepting that the other person’s choices were somehow my fault or responsibility has trapped me in a vortex of trying to clamber my way out by changing myself, denying my realistic feelings, my logical thoughts, reality, and what was best for me.
It comes down to boundaries, again.
Now that I’m ( more) clear on what is and isn’t my responsibility, I can show kindness, patience, and empathy to myself as well as to others.
Someone “ desperately needs” my help, because of their poor choices?
I can feel empathy for their predicament….AND also determine what help is right for me to give, or not to give.
If they reject what I can offer from a healthy heart….that’s ok, it’s their choice.
But their want or disappointment doesn’t mean that I should try to gaslight myself into acting against my own best interests; my job is to “ steward” myself, not other adults.
I can acknowledge my momentary worry, even panic, that if I don’t do what someone is saying they want from me, I will lose that relationship. That may happen, but even if it does, I still need to choose the healthier option.
I can ( at least I’m working on it!) move past the amygdala response to a higher level, prefrontal cortex thought:
I don’t “ need” to throw myself under the bus any more.
I can remind myself:
This is not about me.
It’s their choice to act, feel, or think the way they do. I am not “ causing “ their behaviors or choices.
I define and choose who I am, what I think, how I will act.
I can live in my CORE values.
I can offer empathy, kindness, support, forgiveness – all the good things – without accepting blame or responsibility for other people’s feelings or actions, or for events that are not within my control.
It’s ok to see reality.
It’s ok …even Biblical…to steward and take care of myself.
And I just have to keep reminding myself of those truths.
Living in Grace, your response is so encouraging. Well done! Those are hard lessons, but you are working on it, and I commend you.
Thank you, JoAnn!
I pray today will be especially filled with joy for you❤️
“so much of my unhappiness and frustration has truly been created by others projecting their attitudes and actions onto me, and me accepting their projections as reality.” Yes! My DIL, and consequently, my son, have decided that I don’t make their children a priority in my life. It has resulted in DIL totally withdrawing all contact with me. There are no set “rules” for me to follow, ie. attend at least two activities a week, etc. I obviously haven’t met their expectations. My son allows her manipulation of him, he defends her, and my grandsons are confused. For years, accepting that another “person’s choices were somehow my fault or responsibility has trapped me in a vortex of trying to clamber my way out by changing myself, denying my realistic feelings, my logical thoughts, reality, and what was best for me.” I’ve known that their behavior isn’t rational but I haven’t accepted that I don’t need to do more to earn their love or right to be involved in their lives. I carry the guilt of not doing enough.
“I can acknowledge my momentary worry, even panic, that if I don’t do what someone is saying they want from me, I will lose that relationship. That may happen, but even if it does, I still need to choose the healthier option.” The healthier option for me is accept reality. “This is not about me. It’s their choice to act, feel, or think the way they do. I am not “ causing “ their behaviors or choices.
I define and choose who I am, what I think, how I will act.”
I can live in my CORE values!
It’s hard to accept that no matter what I do to have a relationship with my grandsons, it’s never enough. It’s hard to accept that it has changed my relationship with my son. It’s hard to accept that it strains the whole family dynamic. My feelings of fear, disappointment, and resentment toward others because they don’t want to choose sides is what I still wrestle with. I can’t even begin to unravel the tangled emotional chaos it causes in our family.
I appreciate your wisdom and Susan’s explanation of how we’re wired to respond emotionally and rationally.
And to choose healthy responses to both!
Thank you for your comments, Darra. May God direct you as you walk out this challenging family situation!
❤️ blessings to you, Darra!
What a great response! I find it very helpful, in reminding myself that I can still serve others and show them the love of Christ, even sacrificially sometimes, while at the same stewarding myself, and to not hold myself responsible for how they respond, and not feel pressured into doing something I don’t have the proper time or energy for!
It is sometimes difficult to find that balance, Lori! May God continue to help you in your discernment!
SO excellent! Your comment is like a year of counseling! Thank you for sharing so clearly what you are learning—I believe your comment will help many caught in the confusion of how to walk in those hard places where our hearts want to give and serve, but we must really learn how to best steward the one life we have been given. Thank you very much🫶🏻
Thanks for being a part of this community, Lisa!
Thank you, Living in Grace for this. It is very encouraging to me. There is so much truth here.
Thank you, Maureen, and all of you ladies.
I hope you are feeling strengthened today❤️
Actually, I was re-reading this post of Susan’s, months later, on my anniversary. My husband decided to plan a trip away…by himself… to the town we were married in…giving me a day’s notice.
I had hoped to have a ” try once more talk” with him on our anniversary. Instead I wrote a card. I included how at the beginning of our marriage I felt hopeful, safe, and that we were equals. I complimented him, & gave appreciation.
Then, following Leslie’s advice, I challenged him…I listed what makes a healthy relationship, & then asked, do you also want this kind if relationship? I told him what I had learned about boundaries, and also reminded him that I don’t have control over his thoughts or actions, and I will not accept the blame for his choices…
All things I had said before.
But of course I wrote a dozen versions, edited, stayed up until 4 am….today he told me he read it. That was it, no comments…
I had returned to this post, and others, about detaching, the right way to confront about abusive behaviors, etc, because I’ve felt so unsure…did I do the right thing? ( Writing this at 2 am😂)
But reading Leslie’s and Susan’s and your words, and others’…I think maybe I’ve taken a step from People Pleaser to Ezer. No idea what the outcome will be, or if there will be any positive outcome. Still lots of my own work to do. But I feel a little more peaceful now.
I, I, I.
Isaiah 41:10, Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I love that verse, Myrna!
Such wonderful truths! Thank you for sharing how you are Living in Grace. Developing kindness and curiosity with yourself can be so healing.
Your comments are so helpful to me! Thank you for responding, and may God bless you🙂
thank you for walking me through that.
Susan, I am so thankful you answered this question. It seems like anyone who has lived in long term destructive relationships could struggle with this battle to balance strong emotional reaction with the slower, more crtical thinking response. Both are necessary. For me, I disregarded my fight or flight for so long, that once I realized I was in danger, the danger was imminent and needed the fight or flight response. Now, I struggle with the opposite problem of listening too much to that fight or flight emotional reaction. It’s hard to find the right balance and to learn to listen to both God given protections. I loved the practical explanation you gave and the tangible steps we can take to start finding and putting into practice that balance. Grace toward ourselves as we learn and grow seems so important. For me, this seems like the longest part of healing from abuse, manipulation, control and other destructive aspects of my relationships with 2 people that I love and trusted.
Thank you to Leslie and all of you for continuing to minister God’s truth and grace to those of us trying to live in the fullness of life God has for us in the midst of a fallen and broken world
I appreciate your comments, Holly! Be kind to yourself; finding that balance is hard. May God be with you as you heal!
Thank you so much for this! I saw it as I was setting up to spend time with God before a meeting this morning. Understanding that my “brain fog” happened when I felt a lack of safety, really helped me to figure out my non-negotiables as I worked to reach an agreement. Like other posters mentioned, I have been told that my fight or flight response was unwarranted for so long that I stopped listening to it, to my detriment. I’m so grateful for this amazing explanation that shows me to how to recognize and honour my response, while not making important decisions out of it!
Thanks for being a part of this community! Be safe and keep Following Him!