Can I Say No Without Being Mean?
Morning friend,
I’ve been reading A LOT this summer and I have another quote I’ve been niggling on that I’d love to share with you:
“There is no commandment that says we have to be upset by the way other people treat us. The reason we are upset is because we have an emotional program (internal) that says if someone is nasty to me, I cannot be happy or feel good about myself.” Thomas Keating
Raise your hand if you notice that you have that emotional programming inside of you. That you cannot feel good about yourself if someone is mean or disagreeable, or harsh with you? If that’s true, then what? What needs to change in you so that this other person doesn’t define your value or worth?
Our next question is from a woman who can’t say no to someone who is taking advantage of her generosity and kindness. Someone who “feels” mean, bad, or selfish if she puts her foot down and says no more! That’s her internal programming. No one can change that for her but her.
Question: I have been dating a 43 year old man for more than 2 years now. He is an artist and from the moment I met him, he has not been producing any work or doing any other job. At the beginning, I thought it was just a temporary phase and played the role of a supportive girlfriend. I have been supportive to the extent of helping him pay his rent and even buy clothes for him while encouraging him to look for work or some other income-generating activity while working on his music. I even gave him my home vacuum cleaner and money to buy water spray guns to start a small car washing service. Nothing came of it and the vacuum cleaner even disappeared, but he somehow had new pairs of Jordan’s and Naughty by Nature shoes.
Because he was failing to pay his rent on a monthly basis, he moved in with me from November last year. Living with him for the past six months has enabled me to see how lazy he is. He wakes up each morning to do nothing while I go to work, and I sometimes work overtime. I pay all the bills and rent and buy food without any contribution from him. He spends the whole day on his phone or laptop and sleeps very late watching talk shows and sports. I’ve spoken to him about it and he keeps saying that he is working on something but never discloses what he is working on.
He also has a tendency of taking my car once a month and disappearing with it for hours with no explanation of his whereabouts and he ignores my phone calls on such occasions. We have fought over it and I have repeatedly tried to break up with him and ask him to leave my place, but he refuses to leave.
I don’t know what to do and do not wish to involve law enforcement to get him out. I am however really tired of his behavior. Today I asked him to leave after he once again disappeared with my car and returned with it around 1 am. He did this just after I gave him some cash to fix his laptop to enable him to get back to what he claims to be working on. He still thinks that I’m just angry because he came home at midnight but keeps ignoring the fact that it’s his entitlement that I have a problem with and how he thinks it’s okay to just take my car and return it with it at midnight while ignoring my phone calls when I call him when he has my car.
Since he refuses to leave, is it okay, as a human being and as Christian, to not cook for him or dish up for him when I cook, to at least force him to go out and work or hustle for at least his own food while I serve notice for me to move out of my apartment since which he refuses to leave.
He doesn’t have a single cent of his own and regularly has to look for coins around the house to buy his own cigarettes since I stopped giving him money. It sounds wrong to deny someone food but I hope hunger is something that will force him to do something for himself.
Answer: It pains me to read this because I have some hard truths to share with you. Friend, your good qualities are enabling his bad qualities to flourish as well as harming you. You are kind, generous, and caring. You desire to see him make something of himself. You want to have a relationship with this person that is mutual, honest and caring. Those are wonderful desires; however, you see clearly now that is not happening. Sadly, there are people in this world who look for women like you. Men who pretend to be decent and caring so that they can live like a parasite off your good will, like a tick to a dog, sucking you dry.
The fact that you ask me if it’s okay to not cook for him concerns me. Your inner being already knows this relationship is toxic. You said you’re tired of his behavior, as you should be. You said you have a problem with his entitlement thinking, taking your car, returning it late at night and ignoring your phone calls. Yes, healthy people would have a problem with that. My question to you is what is going on inside you? Why do you keep giving him access to your car and your home when you already know he’s abusing that privilege and taking advantage of your kindness?
It gives me some hope that you’ve stopped giving him money. Yea! That’s a good start. You are not his mother. He is not a child or incapable of caring for and supporting himself. Your over-functioning for him enables him to continue to under-function. To stay irresponsible, lazy, and uncaring with respect to your needs and feelings as well as his own growth and development.
What sounds wrong to you about deciding not to cook for him or supply him with food to eat? Let me tell you what the Bible says about this kind of person. The Apostle Paul wrote this regarding people who were being lazy and living off the goodness of others. “Stay away from all brothers who live idle lives and don’t follow the tradition they received from us…..We were not idle when we were with you. We never accepted food from anyone without paying for it. We worked hard day and night so we would not be a burden to any of you. We certainly had the right to ask you to feed us, but we wanted to give you an example to follow. Even while we were with you, we gave you this command: ‘Those unwilling to work, will not get to eat.” 2 Thessalonians 3:6-16. So, no guilt. OK? Don’t feed him.
Now I want to switch gears. All of us reading this can see clearly that he’s unhealthy, lazy, selfish, and deceptive. These character qualities do not make for a good relationship with someone. And, like I said earlier, your good qualities have only enabled his bad qualities to flourish without consequences. Which does not bode well for you if you want to have a successful, healthy relationship in the future.
So, what are you missing? You’re unhealthy too, but in a different way. Please don’t change your good qualities. They’re lovely. But to have healthier relationships in the future, you too have some lessons to learn from this experience. Let me suggest a few changes you must make so that you do not repeat this pattern: First, you need to own your NO. No, I won’t support you anymore. No, I won’t pay your bills, you can work if you want to purchase something. No, you can’t live here anymore, we’re breaking up. No, you can’t use my car. Friend, what stops you from saying and meaning NO?
Second, you need better boundaries. Boundaries are not for him, they’re for you. I suspect you do have a boundary around your ATM card. You’ve given him access to your car, your body, your apartment, your lost coins and your food, but not your bank account. Why not? You know why. Because you only have so much money in there and you don’t trust him to have that kind of access. That does not make you a bad person. It makes you wise. You are called to be a good steward of your limited resources. That’s why you need boundaries like passwords on your ATM card, a lock on your apartment door, and a healthy “No” to people who are irresponsible, untrustworthy takers. That’s not mean or being a bad person, even if that’s what they call you. Boundaries also help you define what you are responsible for and what you’re not responsible for. You are responsible to take care of you. He’s responsible to take care of him. He’s not taking care of himself and you’ve picked up the responsibility to take care of him and it’s become a burden to you (as it will when you pick up responsibilities that are not yours to carry).
The Bible says, each one of us is responsible for our own lives and conduct (Galatians 6:5,6). If he chooses to be irresponsible, he doesn’t get the perks of a rent-free apartment, a warm bed, hot shower, a car to drive, and food to eat. …..unless he cons a good-hearted person into taking responsibility for his life. One who is easily guilt tripped and manipulated into over-functioning while he under-functions.
So, my encouragement to you is…. deep down you know all of this. That a good start. But you’re not practicing it. Somehow, you’re still stuck in fear or guilt or taking responsibility for something that is not yours to take. I’d love to recommend you sign up for our Moving Beyond People Pleasing Flexible Coaching group that starts this week. It might be just the structure and support you need to put these changes into place sooner rather than later.
Friend, when have you recognized that some of your best strengths can also be some of your most unhealthy weaknesses? What did you do to change?
16 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
When His Mother Comes First: Why This Happens and What a Wise Woman Can Do
These days, I find myself wanting warm sunshine and longer days, and of course, some plans for the summer vacation and activities. I remember the days when the kids were still at home. Family vacations were always planned around our extended family that loved to camp and visit the mountains of Tennessee…Gatlinburg specifically. I loved…
My Husband Refuses To Let Me Help My Mother
Morning friends, Don’t forget to sign up for tonight’s (Wednesday, September 17th) free live streaming event, 7:30pm to 9:00 ET with my guest, family law attorney Maryann Modesti. She and I will be discussing how to be more informed of your legal rights and responsibilities if you are considering separating from a destructive spouse. There…
How do I deal with my husband’s alcohol abuse?
Good morning friends! Well can you believe that in two short weeks Christmas 2010 will be history? It sort of snuck up on us this year didn’t it? At least that’s how it feels in my house. I’ve gotten the tree decorated but that’s about it. My granddaughter, Maya, is coming for a visit so…
This advice is right on! Leslie and her coaches understand what is right from a psychological and spiritual perspective. I am praying for the woman who wrote this post. May God give you the strength to say no to burdens that are not from Him. Anything he gives us to do will be easy and light. (Matthew 11:28-30)
God bless you!🙏
This sweet lady needs law enforcement to help get the liar out of her life. She would do better to evict him legally and thoroughly to cove r herself. It is obvious she is not his first victim and that he knows his time with her is about up. That’s why he took her car & didn’t answer her calls…. he’s been out procuring another victim.
Sister, you are on the right track to give notice and move out of the apartment. You have given him so many chances to prove that he is an equal partner, but you can see clearly that he is not, and will never be. Please don’t feel guilty about not feeding him, and making plans to leave. Please surround yourself with supportive friends/family that know what is happening. This guy will likely use manipulation and guilt (tears, promises, etc) to try to get you to change your mind. Be strong! You will be much better off away from this draining relationship. Take care.
A similar situation happened to me. I finally realized that the man may be on drugs because things were missing. One night while he was asleep or showering, I removed my house key from his key ring. The next day, while he was gone, I put all his stuff outside the door and locked the door. He tried to get in but couldn’t. He finally left and I was so relieved and thankful. I, too, struggled with potentially hurting someone, but finally realized that this situation was hurting me and that God did not want me to live like this. I was enabling this person. God is so good! This man preyed on my Christianity to get into my life. I leaned on the verse, “any man unwilling to work, will not eat”.
My heart is hurting so much for this poor lady….because, I’ve been there, but on a much smaller scale. Although all the counsel in the post is right on. Saying NO and having boundaries are great, but they’re not a natural response to a people-pleaser. To me the bigger key was discovering the WHY behind allowing myself to be used. Why did I ignore the red flags? Why did I not question this person’s integrity from the beginning (the signs were there), Why did I need to please him by giving him things, when he gave the bare minimum? WHY??…because I didn’t value myself!! When you don’t value yourself you give so much to people who don’t deserve it. You give and give way too much waiting for the crumbs they might offer. I can’t believe I used to give my ex toll money to make it easier for him to come see me, He could call me at all hours and expect to come over, but more than half the time I couldn’t reach him. I was WAY too available to him.
The day I realized God loves me and allowed His Son to suffer and die for me, was the day I realized I was made for so much more than to be someone’s convenience. Once I learned this, the script changed. When you know your worth, the NO and the boundaries become part of you because God would not want His child to be used this way.
Wow! What a great point, Anita. Thanks for sharing that.
I’m sorry but this man is a big time user.
Any man that can do all that when he is fully capable of work to scam off of u is not good.
Run!! Look at woman here who stuck it out for years and lost emotionally physically financially spiritually.
He lies and is for himself and has done this before to scam woman
I would check the rules of his rights.
How long has he been there.
In mn. If u pay anything it’s really a pain to get people out.
If there is no paper trail and the police ask does he live there. I would say he comes and goes .
Not sure where
Lives all over.
He does come and go.
U don’t want to get stuck with not getting him out and his lies he makes up.
There is nothing he is doing for u.
U don’t even know if he is the name he says.
I would put all his stuff outside your door.
Change the locks
Don’t give him any money.
Hide keys .
Make sure he don’t have a second set of keys made to steal your car.
I would try to get him to leave out door then pack everything and get it out so no proof he lives there is important
He didn’t pay anything so if his stuff is out no proof he lives there
Keep your phone and safety plan on.
If u could call police after his stuff is out and say he won’t go away
U could file restrain order
I’m sorry so hard.
He knows what he is doing
I would suggest documenting as much as possible. Can you find out where he’s going? Check his phone? Record conversations? I also wonder if he has threatened you. Do you have any information about former victims?
Sounds similar to my previous marriage. My ex-husband too was a ‘musician’, and spent a year or more unemployed while I worked two jobs throughout the entirely of our marriage.. Then another year of unemployment while he studied to become an LPN. I incurred a tremendous amount of debt trying to keep all the bills paid by taking out a home equity line of credit so my credit wouldn’t be damaged, there would be no repossessions of our vehicles, and wouldn’t default on my mortgage, and fall behind on HIS child support ( a jail sentence would only set ‘us; further behind).,However, since this situation does not involve marriage, there is no “official” commitment to the success of this relationship. This man has shown you who he is. He needs an ultimatum, not a threat. Caution is advised as one does not know entirely what else he may be capable of . Do not hesitate to use the legal system/law enforcement. Depending on state laws, this sister may have to go through more formal eviction proceedings. When I changed the locks on my home, I was told by police that my ex-husband still had a right to the home and since it was his last place of residence, and that he could attempt any means necessary to re- gain entry (break windows, doors, etc). (An initial restraining order served the purpose of keeping him out of the house for a few weeks). After which he had moved in with his mistress. Please change all passwords on financial accounts, as he may have access. He likely has copies of keys to the car and home. (although taking off with the car might be akin to theft?). Freeze your credit as he may have credit card/bank account numbers as well, and who knows what other personally identifiable information he has procured while she has been out of the house. It is time to go into self-protection mode.. You can do this. You will get through this.
My heart goes out to you, dear sister. I hope that by the time you get to my comment, you’re believing all the warnings that you’re being used. I know it’s hard truth to take in, but I see Leslie’s words as kind and loving in their directness. I pray God helps you embrace the clarity and wisdom she offers.
One additional thought to help you reflect: There’s likely something you’re getting from the relationship that makes you want to believe this is fixable, even if it’s just a good feeling now and again. What is that? There’s a healthy way to get whatever that is. (Leslie can help you with this.) Don’t be fooled that this relationship is good for you in any way. Things will just continue to get worse.
As you start taking action to end his exploitation of you, he’ll likely give you more of the thing you’re wanting. That can keep you believing this relationship could work. Remember, that’s not real. It’s just a strategy to keep you in his grip.
Prayers for wisdom.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Please get help immediately if he’s intimidating you in any way. Keep in mind that subtle power and control can escalate to physical violence when a victim of exploitation starts taking care of herself with no’s.
What a powerful and excellent response to the lady. I pray that she can act immediately. A lot of times, people get stuck in this unhealthy relationship pattern due to their own childhood experiences. If she had witnessed this imbalance within her family of origin, she may have believed it was an appropriate response to her partner. The behavior of the guy reminds me of Jesus’s rebuke to the Pharisees for going into widows’ houses to defraud them all in the name of praying for them (Matthew 23:14). Though she is not a widow, he is taking advantage of her physically, emotionally, materially, and spiritually (he knows she is a Christian)
I have gone through something very similar. I remarried after being in a very abusive marriage. My new husband started a sales job making barely anything. I agreed to pay the bills for us until he started making some sales and bringing in commissions. Six months went by and when I checked in with him he said he still wasn’t making that much money and couldn’t help with the bills. A year later I checked in again when I began noticing he was buying expensive mountain bikes and sports equipment, taking his kids on nice trips. He still claimed he was not making enough money to help with the bills. I hacked into his bank account and found out he was bringing in more money than I was. When I approached him about this and told him I knew the truth, he justified his actions by saying he never had a lot of money before and now that he was making a great income, he didn’t want to spend any of it on bills. By the way, this man used to be a pastor and used scripture and a lot of love bombing to keep me confused and staying with him. We’re divorced now and I’m so glad.
I have a lot of sympathy for this lady, given the obvious lies she is living under. What I gather from it all is that she has very low self-esteem and is letting herself be taken advantage of. I do not know her level of maturity as a Christian, because in the first place, she should not be cohabiting with a man with whom she’s not in covenant with.. That being said, she needs help from mature godly Christians to break this very unhealthy relationship and also know who she is in Christ.
Amen, Lydia. I had been reading all of the comments and wondered where this wisdom was. I also wonder if she has a church family. If so, she needs to get some help there and support to go through this difficult eviction (with men in the church standing behind her). If not, she needs to find a church home that will help her learn the scriptures that support this advice she is being given and support her with their wisdom and presence in her life). That is so comforting to find the Lord giving us direction in scripture that leads us to freedom from bondage like this. I hope she finds strength and freedom FROM this man and IN Christ.
Also DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN – He will impregnate you to trap you and use you further. Please listen to Bishop RC. Blakes – He breaks down what these men do and why you have been programmed to accept it.
Also DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN – He will impregnate you to trap you and use you further. Please listen to Bishop RC. Blakes – He breaks down what these men do and why you have been programmed to accept it. You are being played and you know it – deal ruthlessly with this fellow.