Navigating Recurrent Issues in Marriage: Steps to Take When Old Patterns Resurface
Morning friend,
It’s hard to believe that we are rounding the corner toward the holiday season. What are your biggest challenges in being able to center yourself on gratitude, while in the midst of hard? Three years ago, I began a gratitude practice. Each day, I write down ten things I am grateful for. Sometimes they are the same things, like my health, sunshine, but this practice invites me to “look for, remember, or focus on” what is good even while in the hard things of life. I believe that “God gives us everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). Therefore, if you’re in a season of hard, what is it that you “need” to remember, learn, change, do, or know, to become more and more like Him? Can you be grateful for those lessons?
Question: My husband and I went through separation about 4 years ago. I made the decision to separate through reading your book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. We got back together after two years of therapy but as of this year, the patterns of behavior have returned. And I feel as though we are back to where we were when we separated. How do I go about figuring out what to do next? If I stay, how do I stay knowing that this might be my life?
Answer: I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m not surprised. Change is hard. Maintaining that change over time is also hard. We are creatures of habit and can easily slip back into old ways if we are not vigilant over ourselves.
If you had a chance to watch the recent webinar I gave on “How Do I Know If He’s Really Changing, or Just Pretending?”, you would have seen this chart.
To make a permanent shift in your marriage dynamics, both of you will need to make changes. You say your old marital history has returned. You weren’t specific about what that was but let me ask you this. When you noticed his old patterns return, what did you do? Were you able to speak up and say, “Hmmm this used to happen in our marriage before and that’s why we went to counseling. I’m not willing to do this again (whatever “this” is.).
For example, let’s say drinking to excess was a problem, or verbal battering. And you see it starting up again. It would be important for you to have some boundaries for yourself around what you will live with and what you won’t live with now. Have you done that work for yourself
Let’s say, old history is that he drank heavily and became verbally abusive and scary. You have decided you are not willing to do that dance with him anymore. (Your boundary). Have you said something like, “I notice you’ve been having some wine after dinner recently. That caused a lot of problems in our marriage several years back. I’m not willing to go through that anymore. I thought you were committed to sobriety.” And then wait and notice how he responds to your feedback.
Here’s another example. Let’s say old history was he was deceitful about finances and now you’ve noticed some new charges that were never mutually decided on your credit card. What happens when you bring this up? Does he hear you? Value your concerns and the impact of this old history on your relationship? Or does he belittle you, gaslight you, ignore you, lie to you or attack you?
His response to your “noticing and giving him feedback” (see old history/new history slide above) is important. It gives you information on your next step forward. For example, does he hear you? Value you as his helpmate? Is he honest with his slip into old history? Does he have that self-awareness and show he doesn’t want to repeat his old history? Good, that’s some new history. Now what is his next move to not repeat what just happened? Or, when you talk with him about what patterns you notice creeping back up, you find he’s defensive, guarded, belligerent, shaming, attacking, deflecting, and unwilling to “see” what you see?
If he agrees with you that he’s slipped back a bit, then what is his next step forward to get back on track? Is he willing to do that work? If he refuses to “see” or admit he’s slipped, then what’s your next step? Obviously, the progress in your marriage has now halted, and you see things are going backward. What impact will that have on you and any children living at home?
In your question, you did not specify what kind of issues were destructive and the impact those issues have on you or your children. Since your question was, “If I say….how do I stay knowing this will be my life?”, it seems to me that you are considering staying well while he’s slipping back into old history.
Let me briefly outline what that looks like:
1. Staying well does not mean you continue to “work” on the marriage. You work on you and release him to be exactly who he wants to be. Part of that work of yours is to detach from “NEEDING” him to be any different than he is. Can you do that and live safely?
In other words, if he has a history of being physically dangerous, or his words crush your spirit, he disregards your “no” or is financially unreliable, dishonest, or unwilling to give you access to the accounts, staying “well” is not possible. Proverbs reminds you that it is better to live a peaceful life alone, than a continually contentious life together (Proverbs 21:9; 25:24).
2. Staying well means that you emotionally accept (without resentment) that you have an empty or dead marriage relationship. But your marriage no longer defines your “life”. I hope you understand that you can choose to live your life fully and abundantly even when you don’t have a good marriage. (Abigail presents a good example of this. 1 Samuel 25). Staying well means you start prioritizing spending time with your female friends. You invest yourself in meaningful work or ministry. You use your gifts and abilities serving and finding purpose for yourself instead of trying to change him. You are doing things with people. You are not “waiting” for him to wake up and change so you can have a life together. Instead, you take responsibility for making your present life as joyful, meaningful, and fun as possible even if your marriage with your spouse isn’t. That does not mean you ignore him or stop sharing some mutual moments of caring or responsibility where safely possible. It just means you don’t wait for him to change to live your own life.
For some women, especially those whose husband may be more indifferent, neglectful or passive, staying well can be a good option. There may be benefits for both of you to stay legally married even if you don’t have a good relationship as long as it doesn’t feel like a war zone. Shared household and living responsibilities, health insurance, retirement savings, home ownership, grandchildren, sharing holidays with family together are all important values to consider when deciding what your next right steps forward might be.
Whatever you decide, I’d encourage you to continue to do your own work to clarify for yourself what you want, what you don’t want, what you will tolerate, what you won’t tolerate, what you can live with, and what you can’t live with. It’s important for you to grow strong enough to speak your truth in love about those things with him. Then see what he does. As you take your steps forward in faith and love vs fear and resentment, God will continue to show you the next step and then the next one. You don’t have to live afraid, just step by step, moment by moment trusting the one who loves you best.
Friend: If you’ve learned to stay well, share what you’ve done to let go of the resentment, and build a meaningful life.
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I was in a physically abusive marriage the first 4 years of my marriage. It didn’t stop until I left for several months. We received counseling during that time and everything went well. I was able to go on with life and enjoy being with him and our children without resentment. I guess the counseling helped me stay well and have a good life until he was injured on the job and received a TBI 25 years later. That is when I noticed a change in him and the marriage went slowly downhill. I felt I needed to stay and support him because it wasn’t his fault. We went through lots of ups and downs but the last 4-5 years things got worse. I was still working so I just tried to let a lot of things go and not make a big deal out of them. He had anxiety and depression and couldn’t sleep well so he started drinking even more at night to try and go to sleep. He was taking medicine for the anxiety as well. At night while he was drinking before bed was when things got bad. The arguing, the manipulation, the yelling at me while I was trying to sleep so I could get up and go to work, It was so stressful but I decided to stay because it wasn’t his fault he had a TBI. Once I retired 3 years ago, things got really bad. I was so tired of it that I started fighting back. I would hit him, call him ugly names and cuss him. All of this was out of my character. All he would do when I did it was say things that he knew would push my buttons and make me even angrier. He said mean things about people on Facebook and my children would tell him to stop and to stop the drinking but all he would say is “I am 66 and everyone is trying to tell me what to do”. He wouldn’t take responsibility for any of it. Then when he started on my son-in-law, my daughter told him he could no longer see her boys or her until he stopped drinking. She lived through seeing him abuse me when she was a little girl so she was protecting her boys. Things just got worse and worse. During all of the fights he would say he was going to kill himself. When I called the sheriff, he told them he was just messing with me. He continued to say that to me and when I would try to talk with him about it , he would say I am never going to do that. I am just saying it. I took a gun away from him twice he had pointed at his throat and I took a pistol away from him once he had pointed at his head. He pointed a gun at me once and the next day didn’t even remember what gun it was because he had been drinking. I hid the guns from him but he was very manipulative and would find a way to get them back for something he needed to do. There are so many more things that I could say about our relationship. So instead of me staying and acting like I was, I had to leave. I left while he was in jail after a fight we had. I never called the law but that night I did. We talked everyday. He told me he was trying to quit drinking and wanted me to come home to make it easier for him. I told him no but I never told him I wasn’t coming back. I was so ashamed of how I was acting. After I left I had so much more energy. I guess I was stressed. After we were separated for 6;weeks, he committed suicide. We had been married for 45 years. I was unhappy but I never wanted that. My daughter is having to deal with her feelings and my son says he was his best friend. Sometimes it is hard to stay well.
I have just read what you have written. No one wanted this for Him but it is not your fault. You are not the Saviour. We have a religion that is saying we have to be saviours to imperfect, sinful men who are enabled to continue in their ways by doctrine and social norms. Now you must entrust yourself to Jesus Christ and continue with your life. God is merciful.
Thank you for saying that. Not only did I keep staying because of his TBI but I was also taught I could not divorce except for adultery. I thought I just had to keep staying and like I said that took a toll on me and turned into someone I am not proud of.
It’s a little hard not to blame myself for some of the things I did that may have caused him to do it, I pray a lot about everything.
Wow, Charlotte, thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like a very difficult road. You worked so hard to make good choices. I am sad to hear your husband made so many painful choices as I am sure that was hard on all of you. I hope you have found peace and safety and have begun to heal and recover from all you have experienced. You clearly have a lot of strength. I pray it serves you well as you move into the next chapter of your life and find the joy you deserve.
It was very difficult. I was also trying to take care of my mom as well. He would blame my taking care of her for treating him the way I was. That I was stressed from that. I would ask him to stop saying that but he wouldn’t. He would be drinking so he could sleep and he didn’t care what he said to me. She passed away a month and a half after he did.
It is now peaceful in my home and safe too. Just me and my German Shepherd unless the grands are here. Even she has changed. She sleeps all night and doesn’t need to go potty like before. I just hate it had to come to this for these things to happen.
I am in counseling and have many family and friends that support me. I also have my church family. They are wonderful people. I am trying to stay strong but sometimes I get lonely even though I have all of these people to support me. I try to stay busy and truthfully I would rather be lonely than to live like I was. Thank you for your kind words.
Prayers and love for you and your family. My husband also has a TBI history (remote) and a mental health diagnosis and it lead me to excuse and tolerate alot that was not good for ME. We spouses face and have faced many hard and difficult decisions and choices and God is a God of grace. You are loved and cared for and you are enough my sister in Christ.
Thank you.
Although he was never diagnosed with mental health issues, I am pretty sure he had them. His grandfather on his mom’s side committed suicide and his mom threatened for a while until he and his siblings got help for her. I have been told it can be passed down but I am not sure about that.
Thank you so much for your comment. I have support from my family and friends, although not from some of his family, and this helps me to hear from others.
As other women have said ,his suicide is not your fault at all! It is a grotesque way of controlling you. I think a book Chris Moles and Doug Wilson wrote titled When Home Hurts may have some helpful insights for you.. I have not read it yet. I have just heard them speak about topics in the book.
Much love and care in the Lord to you.
Thank you for the kind words. Even though I know it was not my fault, he made that choice, it is still hard not to blame myself for the things I did to him that might have caused it. I am trying to get past that though. I will have to check that book out. I need all the feedback I can get. It does help.
Oh I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. Praying that you have people around you to support you and that you deal the peace and comfort that only God can give. Praying for you❤️
I love this feedback and can relate. My marriage was emotionally destructive and after working on myself to be more confident, assertive and set healthy boundaries I would describe it as difficult/dissappointing, which I can stay well with. My spouse has and is still getting help and I continue to work on myself. My spouse grew healthier but after a couple of years he also slipped back to old patterns. Thankfully, I was stronger had more awareness and knew what I wouldn’t tolerate. He got help again. I don’t know what the future holds for us but I am thankful I know where I stand, I know what I will tolerate and what I won’t. I’ve accepted the truth and reality of our marriage and I am content and have joy and peace in my life bc I continue living one day at a time in that truth and reality and continue working on myself w God’s strength.
Kristin, may I ask…was there a point at which your boundaries became his incentive to get help?
While I’ve said and done all the “ right” things, been compassionate, etc etc…now I’m wondering if I need to announce a boundary of “ if you continue to….then we’ll need to separate”.
My husband has threatened to leave, or divorce me, many times. When I finally said, “ Ok, if that’s what you want”, he back- pedaled. His mood swings and behavior swings have left me unable to trust the “ good” times, because the reasonable expectation of bad behavior never leaves.
I’m having difficulty defining the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum…or is there no difference, really?
Living in Grace, twice in my 20 year marriage my boundaries have led to my husband getting help. I had to be at a point where I was strong enough to place boundaries that I was ready to follow through with though I didn’t give details. Th first instance, I had been living with emotional abandonment and abuse for 8 years and was so broken and alone juggling a job and two small children while my husband worked 70-80 hours a week. He was cold and refused to engage and often even speak to us. At that point I paid for a week long marriage intensive out of town and got childcare to the week. After making arrangements, I let him know that I’d love for him to go , but I respected if he didn’t want to join me & I would be working on my side of our struggles either way. Because it was his mom watching the children, that also helped motivate him to go. That week, while not making a permanent change was a key step in our relationship. 10 years later I found myself at another breaking point and after reading Leslie’s book, the emotionally destructive marriage, I let him know what I would no longer live with. This also motivated him to go to counseling with me. Things improved significantly for years and then he began to slip into old habits again but each time he would regress it was better than the previous level of emotional abuse. God has now done a work in his heart and i believe at this point the change in his heart came from his own desire and growth in the Lord. It has been a long painful 20 years , but change can happen. However, I believe you must have strong boundaries and God and a partner willing to change.
Thank you. I think your last note is key: “ a partner willing to change.”
Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t see any need for changes in his thinking or behaviors, and he has no desire to grow emotionally, or to do his part to be in a healthy relationship.
In early January he had one of his episodes/ tantrums that brought me to the decision to seek legal advice. He now thinks things are “ fine”, because I’m not doing anything to try to get him to be responsible for his behaviors…I’m just detaching, in every way.
But I’m now seeing that it may not be possible for me to “ stay well”.
I am in the process of leaving him after 13 years of verbal and 2incidents of physical abuse.. i am 75 and to start anew life with limited money is difficult…i cannot stay with him any longer…he reduced me to a loaf of bread…i feel guilty regarding my responsez because I have learnt his screaming ways…i do not want to take a wrong option but cannot bear this treatment any longer . Please pray…from pit to palace
Praying for you my friend. I admire you for your strength and that you have your boundary. You obviously have done much appropriate research, and no matter the age it is important to be well! No guilt in that! 🙂
In reading the description of staying well, I realize that’s what I’ve been trying to do for years. I spent so long trying to please him, waiting for him to want to be my partner. As my children grew and left for college, I began working on my self, developed healthier behaviors, returned to the workforce, and stopped waiting for him to choose me. Sadly, as I grew healthier and gained confidence, he became more manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Now I am in the process of leaving well as his unhealthy behavior continues to worsen.
Praying for you my friend. I admire you for your strength and that you have your boundary. You obviously have done much appropriate research, and no matter the age it is important to be well! No guilt in that! 🙂