Morning friend,

I’m grateful that so many of you found the letter to your pastor or church leader helpful. If you end up using it and get a response, please let me know how it was received. Not everyone has ears to hear or eyes to see. But by their response, you will learn what your next right choice might be.

This week’s question: Hi. I first wanted to say how your ministry has been such a blessing to me. My question is I’m not sure how to stay well. In my marriage, I have been raped twice by my husband. Groped in my sleep continuously, also along with some violent behavior from him, he has never hit me but has thrown things and hit our pet and has also admitted to porn use so he hasn’t truly cheated on me that I know of.

Through all of this, we tried marriage counseling, but the counselor wouldn’t continue with us until he had gotten help. Now after I have set some boundaries, he has sought counseling but hasn’t changed his behavior.

I want to be a good wife and not be embittered. I am just so worn out trying to hold everything together and trying to fix our marriage on my own as he blames me for our problems and says he can’t communicate with me because I’m unsafe to talk to, this has only been since I set boundaries. Help please how do I stay well and not become embittered? Thank you.

Answer: I’m so sorry. What you’ve been through is serious and sinful. I’m not sure your goal of staying well is possible. I hear your heart. You don’t want to be embittered, and you want to be a good wife. But I’m wondering what your idea is of a good wife. Sacrificing the best of you, only to enable the worst in him would not be God’s definition of a good wife.

You did say you set some boundaries. That’s a good first step. But you also said he’s not responding well to your boundaries. You indicate he’s in counseling, but that counseling has not helped him to self-reflect on his own attitudes or actions. Instead, it has empowered him with language to now accuse you of being unsafe when you confront him or call him out on his stuff. You also said that you don’t know for sure he’s cheated, but Jesus says porn IS cheating.

You say he hasn’t “hit” you yet, but he’s raped you twice. Dear one, that IS violent behavior. Marital rape is illegal in all 50 states. He’s also hit your pet. That too IS violent behavior. When you live with someone who is unsafe, who has demonstrated continued violent behaviors without change, you cannot stay well. Even if he did start to change, I’m not sure your body would believe him. And the body keeps the score.

I have no idea how long you’ve tried to live this way or if there are children in the home who are also being impacted by this but for now, I’d like you to define for yourself what a “good wife” looks like to you? To God? Because if you truly attempt to be a Biblical “ezer” kind of wife, you will only grow stronger and he won’t like it.

I wrote these next few paragraphs a few weeks ago in a previous blog but I’m going to repeat them here: “A wife is described in the Bible as her husband’s helpmate. That word “helpmate (Ezer)” is a powerful word in the Hebrew language. It means “to rescue, to save, or even to be strong.” It does NOT mean to fawn, enable, or stay quiet and trust God while giving into your husband’s dysfunction and sin.

Therefore, what does a “loving-ezer” wife (a good wife) do when her husband is self-deceived, unhealthy, toxic, and destructive towards himself, towards her, their kids, their marriage, and God?

She gets herself strong enough to do what’s right, even if it costs her. Peter tells us if we “suffer for doing what is right it pleases God.” 1 Peter 3:17 says that Peter isn’t telling wives to suffer foolishly, or endure foolishness, but to be strong enough to do what is right. And that may cost her some suffering.

For example, an ezer-wife speaks truth in love, she does not pretend. She has boundaries that shield herself and her children (and pets) against his dysfunctional/sinful behavior as much as is possible for her to do. She allows natural consequences to take place, including legal repercussions where indicated. She finds support from others to help her children and her get and stay safe and grow strong. She says no to being manipulated or love-bombed with insincere words. Biblical love means you do what it takes to help the other become their best self (not enable, cover for or protect their worst self). When you take those steps, reality says some men might wake up and be grateful for the strong, loving presence of a godly woman. Other men will turn to attack the messenger.”

So far, your experience with this kind of biblical love is negative. He’s turned to attack you with contempt, blame, pressure, and telling you that “you are not safe to talk with”. Of course not. You tell the truth. Dear one, you can only do him true good by exposing the unfruitful deeds of darkness, not hiding them or covering for him. But God’s word reminds us darkness hates the light (John 3:19-21).

You asked how to work on your resentment and bitterness over his actions towards you that have been repeatedly dishonoring, demeaning, and dangerous. That’s a great goal, but that work cannot be done while he’s still doing those behaviors, and you are not safe. Trying puts you in a reactive stress cycle of fight, flight, freeze, fawn. It wears down your body, mind, and spirit while you attempt to forgive 70 x 7 and still attempt to do life with someone who actively harms you. Friend, that is not possible.

Staying well in a destructive marriage means that you accept you do not have a good marriage, and you accept it without resentment. However, it requires that you are also not currently living afraid of your spouse or what he might do. You’ve accepted that you will not be cared about the way you want to be, and you don’t keep asking for something he’s refused to give you. You have accepted he might not be sexually faithful to you and have appropriate boundaries for yourself. You stop pleading, begging or “needing” him to meet your needs. You’ve learned to stop casting your pearls before swine, telling him your feelings, your needs, your ideas, or your truth which from experience only incites his resistance and rage. You’ve developed outside relationships that nourish you and support you. You might not have a man who talks with you or wants to engage with you. You may have a man who lies to you about porn, or affairs, but financially, physically, sexually, and emotionally you are not afraid of harm as long as you leave him be.

On the other hand, trying to stay well in an unsafe, dangerous relationship is not the way God designed marriage or your body, mind, and spirit to live. Slaves and prisoners of war may have to live that way, but women and wives, especially in this day and age, do not.

Friend, when you felt too scared to leave and knew it was too toxic to stay, what was your first step in getting yourself stronger?