Stay Well
Hello, Friends!
We are approaching the holiday season! I can imagine it will be an extra stressful time for the many who have destructive people in their lives. My heart goes out to you as you navigate through challenges while still trying to enjoy some holiday cheer.
I invite you to take some time to set your intentions as you make plans and put events on your calendars. Consider how you want to show up to each situation. Be mindful of who you want to be in spite of the stresses and difficulties that may present themselves in the next several weeks. Be deliberate in your efforts to take care of yourself when life is difficult. I pray that you will find joy in being authentic and upholding your integrity.
Today’s Question: Does “staying well” ever stop feeling fake?
Susan’s Answer: I read the question and wanted immediately to stop and sit with the person who submitted it. It evoked within me feelings of sadness and frustration. I know how taxing it can be on the mind, body, and spirit to stay well in a destructive marriage. I know it takes effort; I felt many different emotions when I was in that situation myself.
Even though I don’t necessarily recall feeling fake as I attempted to stay well, I have some insight into what that might mean. My experience causes me to wonder how staying well is defined in this question. The concept of staying well can mean different things to different people. Also, it would be helpful to hear more about what specifically feels fake when trying to stay well. Because I don’t have the answers to these questions, let me explore what staying well could mean and make some guesses as to why it might be causing feelings of inauthenticity.
Since there are so many differing opinions about this topic, let me describe what staying well means to me. Staying well means being genuine when holding true to my best self ideals and core values. It means being committed to the truth about my situation even though I may not like it. Surrounding myself with wise support and godly people, who can help me view myself clearly, is important to me in staying well, as is committing myself to being in God’s Word regularly. To me, staying well also means honoring myself, owning up to my faults, and taking care of my mind, body, and spirit with good self-care practices. And it means that I will hold myself accountable to be loving and kind without colluding with someone else’s sinful behaviors or mindsets.
Hard situations do challenge our character. If pretending or being fake is your response to your destructive marriage, I would not define that as staying well. So let’s consider what may be going on instead.
Perhaps you are making wise changes in your life that have not fully taken root yet and these changes still feel uncomfortable and new. When I have taken on a new role or hobby in my life, it can sometimes feel like I don’t belong or like I am trying to be someone I am not. My desire is to learn and grow so the abilities the new role gives me to become known to me and part of who I am. Stepping into who God has called me to be is hard and I don’t always do it well, but my desire is to become that woman through a process of training. In other words, I can grow better at maintaining my best self ideals and core values as they shift and expand over time, but I am still authentically me through that process.
Perhaps you are defining staying well as doing what you need to do in order to keep your spouse calm and appeased in order to have a sense of peace in your home. Many people have tried this approach and have found that the situation gets worse over time. When a person gets accustomed to getting their way and having someone else manage life and emotions for them, they will continue to be a deformed adult. It is not kind or loving to enable your partner to be self-centered and irresponsible. This is not an example of staying well in the relationship.
Perhaps you are using some of the “staying well” concepts as a way to create the change you want in your partner. Concepts like holding good boundaries get misused as a way to make someone else change. Honestly, I see this a lot. The improvement of the marriage and change in the spouse’s behavior becomes the focus.
With a strong need for an outcome that is not within your control, you may feel like a failure or like you are not doing enough to create the outcome you want. Trying hard to control something that is out of your control can be discouraging and frustrating. It can also lead you to over-function for others or act in ways that are not true to who you are, leading you to feel fake.
Or perhaps you are noticing that you can not stay well if you are living in a highly abusive environment. Some circumstances do not allow you to be a healthy and authentic person. If you are in danger without an escape route, most likely you will do what you need to do in order to survive. That could include playing a part or being fake. Staying in this sort of marriage is not sustainable, however. Your body and mind will break down over time. If this is where you are, start making a safety plan for yourself and gaining the resources you need in order to leave well.
Beloved reader, what are you doing in order to stay in your destructive marriage and maintain health and authenticity?
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Thank you Susan
Speaking from the viewpoint of already out of the toxic and emotionally destructive marriage, I can tell you that “staying well” for me meant literally disassociating. I wasn’t thriving in a two legged tripod. Sure, I wasn’t a single mom with financial problems, which is what I feared going back to, and it did become self fulfilling prophecy. But in my toxic marriage where he was being unfaithful in addition to toxic abuse, there was no happy medium and it was only a matter of time before the tipping point was reached and the Truth was revealed.
I can identify with totally feeling inauthentic. At the last marriage conference we attended at a church I wanted to stand up and slam the book down on the table and scream “THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR US I’VE TRIED IT!!!”
It felt frustrating and hopeless at times, and that’s not who or where I wanted to be.
You can’t just “fake it til you make it” when the person you are supposed to be One with is TOXIC. When they are not even trying to be a Godly husband or cannot have empathy, it DOESN’T WORK.
For me it meant a drastic separation and that triggered his retaliation and even confession if more affairs, ultimately leading to our Divorce.
Some things cannot be “fixed”, no matter how much you want it to be. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means you have grown enough to accept what is.
Holly, thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I would like to clarify, deciding to stay in a relationship does not mean you are stay well. Staying well means that you are able to stay healthy and well while you stay. Women decide to stay for all sorts of reasons but that does not mean they are able to be healthy during that time. If you were dissociating due to the toxicity of the relationship, you were not staying well. You were staying while your body was telling you that you were unwell. In our work at Leslie Vernick &Co. we help women be well. That is the outcome we are working toward. Often times, the desired outcome is a healthy marriage which is not possible without both people in the relationship getting healthy. You are correct, you will not be able to fix a toxic relationship on your own no matter how hard you try.
Agreed. That’s what happened to me. I said “ No more” to the abuse and emotionally separated from my Covert Narcissistic wife( as defined by my Psychologist/Therapist ). This is when after 38
Years of marriage SHE filed for divorce. SHE made herself the victim because she couldn’t be who she was. I was shocked that she filed. Now I realize it was a blessing in disguise. “ Glory be to God for everything “
I can so relate to this! I felt like I was faking when I was with healthy people. .I heard in a rehab once (with a relative)’ “Fake it til you make it.” I believe this means to be yourself, regardless of of how you ‘feel’. Because “Feelings are not facts.” But they are real indicators of what is going on in your life. In my marriage, it has been very difficult- 45 years now- almost 8 of those years we were separated. He asked to come home almost 3 years ago. I trusted him. Then ‘things’ returned. After taking 2 years off my life, trying to rebuild our marriage, I realized he didn’t even want that. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and nothing really included me. So I went back to a ministry w/ children that I had loved, and added another ministry that I love w/ teens. I go to church every time the doors are open and have fellowship every chance I get. Now I am getting braver and inviting widowed f friends over for luncheons and make them as special as I can with a ‘soup, salad, sandwich, sweet, and a story.’ He allows it all, pays all the bills, and though there is no ‘relationship’- he even sleeps on the sofa and ignores me for the most part, I have found my life again. The fake part- When I go to church I have such joy! When I am around healthy people- same. I wondered; “Do people think I am faking it? They know what is going on in my life.” I had to really ask myself that question too. BUT GOD gives joy!!! It is a truth that we can celebrate when things are not going our way- HE IS the way, and HE makes a way! I have had to learn what not to do or say or ask or suggest- that makes a quarrel or anything that would hurt me. I have had to learn to build healthy boundaries around my life and heart. I have a place to go anytime I need to. I pray that God changes his heart, and keeps changing mine and making me strong. I am learning more aobut God and myself thru this difficult time, and am trying to be thankful for all with my will! (from a good friend). So friends, you are not faking it if you are living well! It is God’s plan for us!!
Thank you, Grace! I sounds like you are living life well even though your marriage is not what you desire. Blessings to you!
My story is similar in that I am free to spend financially on serving others. while being married to my husband. I’m trying to stay well but I blew it last night when I came home . I t was my birthday and the our children had planned a birthday dinner at a restaurant, included H in all the planning which I didn’t know, but he gaslighted me into thinking he was out of the loop and pretending to be doing me a favor when I asked if he’d be joining me in driving to the restaurant. I was hurt and I let it come out. All during the holidays when he ignored my wishes and spent it driving a few hours 2x to see his family I’d kept it cool and ignored it even though it hurt. So I’m not sure how well I’m staying?
I did leave for 6 months 2 years ago and shouldn’t have moved backed but here I am I did.
I thought I was going to be able to live well in my marriage relationship that was destructive, but I realized the cycles of destruction continued and even became more frequent, the more I started to work on myself. I also felt fake in my responses and feelings towards my husband during that time. I found myself resenting him, wishing I didn’t have to be with him, and hoping something would happen, (usually a bad thing) to make it all end.
When I realized I was feeling this way even as I was learning to become a stronger person, who God made me to be, I was still playing the destructive relationship game. I was “faking”: it.
I finally decided to stop letting my husband be my god, the decider of who I was, and made a plan to distance my self from him so I could focus on getting to a place of really living well. I probably didn’t do it right but I did leave right after another fight, (one sided discussion involving me being the one who was to blame). I left 4 months ago.
Although it has been a hard road with lots of doubts and tears, I can say I have a peace that I didn’t realize I would have about the separation. That peace is about not feeling fake; not having to say I agree even though I don’t, not dreading being with someone who makes me feel inferior, not wishing bad things would happen to that person just so I could be free.
I don’t know what the future will be like for me or my relationship with my husband, but I do know I am not alone. As I stepped out of the “fakeness”, I learned to trust God more. He has put wonderful women around me to help me through this journey, including Leslie and her programs. As I pray for clarity and to walk in truth, He hasn’t stopped showing me His truth and given me confirmation that I am getting closer to living well.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Dawn! Glad you stepped out of the fakeness. Keep doing your work. May God bless you!
I have always found the concept of “staying well” to nothing short if poppycock. Four years out of a 36 year abusive marriage, the “staying well” was never well or good for me. It was suffering for others and I did it. But believe me, no matter how people package it, staying is degrading and destructive to victims. It may be the lesser of two evils, but it is still evil. Abuse is evil. Don’t play with fire and think you are ok because you have a hose and boots.
Today, I am offended by the Christian organizations and leaders who tell victims to “stay well.” How dare they? Save the poor victim and her children you cowards!
* to be nothing short of poppycock
I would love for every marriage to look and feel how God designed marriage to be. That is not the reality of this world. Staying well is possible for some, not all. The team at Leslie Vernick & Co never makes that decision for the women we work with. Each situation is very different. We support women in finding safety, clarity, stability, strength, and confidence in order to be well whether they choose to stay or leave.
This is just what I needed to see today Leslie, thank you. Staying well and being my authentic self at the same time. I need to ask myself this every minute, who is my authentic self? I’m not even sure who I am anymore but I’m determined to find out. Your work has literally saved my life, thank you for letting God use you this way.
Thank you, Mary! Praying that God continues to reveal His truth to you and helps you find your authentic self!
I first started reading Leslie’s blog because she readily identified as a believing Christian, dependent on God’s grace, sovereignty and love for us. Doesn’t seem like that is coming across so much any longer.
I grew up with a “toxic” and abusive mother. By the time I was 25 I was suicidal because I believed that I was just pretty much worthless. That personal point of view started to change when I was introduced to Jesus (“Come to mee all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest). I was told that God wanted me right where I am but that he didn’t want to leave me there. So I took him up on that “offer” and began to pay close attention to what HE was telling me. It’s now 50 years later and I will tell you that deciding to stick close to God has been the best decision of my life. He has shown me how worthwhile a person I really am by teaching me – and me dedicated to learning – how to work around all the toxic people in my life and not submit to the garbage said people want to inflict on to me. So, please Leslie, back to your roots with more God and Less drivel.
I respectfully disagree with your assessment of Leslie’s position on God. But, thank God we all have a right to express our opinions.
I need to also add that Leslie’s teaching is opposite of “drivel”. What you call drivel has helped to set my life on a firm foundation of discovering the truth, not the “truth” I wanted which kept me in bondage to lies! I am a much stronger person and much closer to God because of her wise, godly counsel –always leading us to see and live the truth. And in living the truth is really the only way there is to help others trapped in lies.
As you know the word drivel means nonsense. Anything Leslie has said is biblical truth as well as truth that she has learned from her many years of experience. No nonsense! I had the privilege of having her as a counselor when she was in PA. I was so happy to know I could still be blessed and encouraged by her counsel now online. Without the Lord’s strength and grace and her wise counsel, I would be in a bad way as I have for 16 years been in an on and off destructive relationship. I am choosing at this time to stay well. Any video in her video library has been a great help. Check it out!
Janet, I am new to writing for Leslie and she is overseas currently. I am certain she would have addressed this blog question in her own way. All of us on the Leslie Vernick & Co team are believing Christians, dependent on God’s grace, sovereignty and love. I regret that was not clear in my writing.
I will accept your feedback.
Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take cover.” God does not intend for us to remain in harms way if we can exit danger. As you know, living with a destructive person can take a toll on health and wellbeing. I agree, staying well means remaining close to the Father and rooted in truth. He gives us strength and courage to care for ourselves well with his help. That looks different for each of His beloved children. My goal is to help women walk in truth, and be well.
Thank you, Susan. This was excellently written with wonderful insight. So many times my desire to persist to be a woman of God, but deficient, because I was not successful internally and externally to represent who I am in Him. My heart’s desire to live out His truth in and through me seemed to be disconnected, feeling fake, especially when my envionment felt forever with these repeated outcomes. I was accountable to the LORD for myself (true), but I was not accountable to my husband’s choices and behaviors. It took me 20 years to realize my part of this distructive cycle. It took me 10 years to be prepared to walk the road of divorce. Truely, it’s God’s perfect timing with preparing His girl and His details to be ready on all counts. Your examples of possible reasons for feeling fake resonated no only as what I tried doing in my destructive marriage, it was crystal clear those choices and attempts were dysfuncitonal. I felt desperate for peace and prayed for God’s miracle to happen (more like a fairy godmother bop on the head/poof done disbelief). Our relational environment was enabled and overfunctioned on my part. Staying was not staying well no matter how hard I prayed, wished, hoped, purposed my choices to represent myself well. Becoming aware and needing to impliment truth in my life was where change began. I began to see what was happening in and through me. Instead of this melded, relational mess, I saw definition and my true responsibility. I had that control over myself to choose and act differently. It was clear, though extremely difficult to step out of the meld, to stop the train of dysfunciton. My husband was not changing. It was evident my focus changed from staying well to leaving well. The LORD has been/continues to be tender, patient, kind, merciful , gracious, repeatedly confirming through this process of divorce. It’s a heartbreaker and still a shocker we have to end this way. I was in the LORD’s way at this point to stay. He has filled in those gaps as they arise. It’s always about keeping my eyes, mind, heart, and strength on the LORD. The rest is about surrender and allowing Jesus to lead. Staying present is a constant reminder to rope in overwhelm and the future I have no business worrying about. My peace I desperately wanted prior is a different peace of today. My self driven desperation for peace was about me, my ‘self’, rooted in this world and old behavior. My Jesus Peace I truly know now has matured through my awareness revealed. It’s a constant reminder to impliment when life does it’s wacky twists and turns. Our LORD is forever faithful to you and me.
Sarah, thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience. Yes, staying does not always mean staying well. I am glad to hear you are well now! God is good.
I don’t have any suggestions, but I know exactly what you mean. I am living that right now. But after reading Susan’s definition of staying well, I realize that I am just staying…but not “well”. I have some work to do, especially in the area of self-care. I avoid my H and try not to engage very much with him. Recently, we started empty nest and it is lonely. He tried to love bomb me and pretend that all was good a couple of months ago, but I told him that we needed to really reconcile things before I could “forgive and forget”. He didn’t appreciate that and sent me an article on forgiveness. I am done sweeping things under the rug and being fake. I get it, I just don’t know what to do about it. Praying for you!
Stay close to this community, Angel. We are here to support you. Search for more information on healthy ways to detach and the difference between forgiveness and rebuilding broken trust. Reach out if you would like individual or group coaching.
Join Patrick Doyle’ s online group @Patrick Doyle life. OR join Natalie Hoffman’s group Flying Free. Have you read Natalie’s book, Making Sense of My Confusing Marriage.
Angel those are your next steps. Good deeper, learn more and you will know exactly what you do. Best Wishes.
Curious Free, – you are here on this site – but promote Patrik Doyle and Natalie HOffman but not our own group CONQUER? Please explain why you are here?
Hi, I think your info is a great starting point. I gentle beginners source for discovering something might be wrong. Once one realizes the situation, then I believe other more direct resources help move people to the next level of healing or decision making. i think your work is great. It is wonderful milk, but when one advances to meat, it is time to refer out to the next level of resource. There is room for all level of programs and providers. Like a doctor who knows when to refer to a specialist, it takes a humble and wise provider to refer their clients when needed.
Thank you for the well considered and well set out response. Living in and then learning to be authentic In a toxic environment I have found is a long and ometimes confusing journey. Guidance such as this blog article can help clarify and reset.
Thank you, Sue! May God continue to bring you clarity in your situation.
Yes, well said! I couldn’t agree with you more!!! I Once I actually saw that I was doing what you did…it took me a long time also to realize I was not only harming myself but was enabling him to stay stuck in his own bad choices!!!
Keep up with growing in truth!!! Hard but it’s the only way!
I am concerned that this will occur with my husband. He yelled at me 6 weeks ago anding with lets end this relationship. That has been a thought i dont entertain, yet he seems to regularly. So i not able to handle any further harsh words, kept my distance. 2 and 1/2 days later, he woke me early to ask for sex. Gave no apology for his harsh words or for waking me early knowing i had a rough weekend. A week later he asked again…i asked him if he considered his blow up affecting our relationship and if he had some reason as to why he felt it didnt deserve an apology? He with attitude ask me what i wanted….i felt my previous question was sufficient. I parted from his presence. I said to myself that if he approached me again, i would again speak of his actions. Well, he woke me a week ago having aroused me during sleep and intercoursed. It really bugged me after words as i was trying to stick to my plan regarding him needing to apologize. I am questioning myself as to whether this was that important as he is currently not as mean to me as he was before…ignoring me. Leaving and doing stuff but not sharing where he was going or an idea of when he would be back. Nothing. No after, He still goes, but he’ll say be back in so much time. I just feel i gave in and my feelings and question was ignored again. Am i just looking at the wrong?
Angie, it sounds like your husband is not honoring your boundaries. It is important to look at patterns over time when determining whether a marriage is disappointing or destructive. If these behaviors are patterns for your husband, what will you do to keep yourself well?
Oh, Dear Angel. You are in an abusive relationship. So sorry to hear of your marital rape.
Please get help from other resources. This site is a baby step, but go further. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Should I Stay or Should I Go. Call your local domestic violence shelter and make an escape plan. Study Narcissism.
Janet, I am new to writing for Leslie and she is overseas currently. I am certain she would have addressed this blog question in her own way. All of us on the Leslie Vernick & Co team are believing Christians, dependent on God’s grace, sovereignty and love. I regret that was not clear in my writing.
I will accept your feedback.
Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take cover.” God does not intend for us to remain in harms way if we can exit danger. As you know, living with a destructive person can take a toll on health and wellbeing. I agree, staying well means remaining close to the Father and rooted in truth. He gives us strength and courage to care for ourselves well with his help. That looks different for each of His beloved children. My goal is to help women walk in truth, and be well.
Grateful for this dialogue. God speaks to us uniquely, but appreciate and benefit from Leslie & Co’s mission.
Thank you for giving a thorough answer Susan. I believe that one can feel less the authentic for the reasons you describe. When one would rather leave well but there are factors for which one needs to stay well , the tension between one is doing versus one rather would want to do creates an uneasy feeling of being fake.
Eileen, could you please elaborate more on what you mean about three self care enabling him? I am about to start the process of self care , etc. and am now curious. Thank you.
I appreciate this post and I feel for those that feel like staying well feels “fake.” Right now is not the time to leave well for me, but I know that if or when that time comes, I have the strength to do it. I tried to leave well just prior to COVID and am grateful that I had stayed, since I was able to stay home with my then teenage sons while my husband continued to work outside the home (I was basically paid to stay at home, which was a blessing). My husband and I have a very minimal relationship, and I do not trust him with anything that is close to my heart. I was recently accused of not telling him things that I either did not know about nor was it any of his business and he could have easily found out any of it by contacting those that had the information. I share information as needed. I attend Sunday School by myself (which I enjoy my solitude on my drive there after years of arguing prior to leaving the house and “faking” being a happy family). My husband and sons (sometimes) attend church. I am grateful for a new pastor that was able to see through my husband’s falsehoods almost immediately. Daily I have to remind myself that I do not have a good marriage and that my husband has never leaved and cleaved. It is painful, but I am grateful for the clarity that I have gained over the past 6 years. I live in the truth and thankfully many others have seen it. My husband shares information when he feels the need and other times still just disappears without telling me where he is going. The car is often silent if we go anywhere together. He refuses to acknowledge the truth, let alone walk in it. I have put him into God’s hands. I do pray for him to truly see the love of Christ, but it is not up to me or anyone else to save him. I have gone very minimal contact with his family due to toxic behaviors over the many years we have been together. I refuse to play into their lies anymore. May God bless you all!
Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you as well!
Do you ever think about the hypocrisy you are modeling to your sons? Do you think they won’t or haven’t figured you both out and are deeply affected in a way that will make healthy marriage difficult for them?
Free, Have you thought about the hypocrisy you are modeling—Remaining here in this community that you speak so harshly against. Even your name “Free” seems hypocritical. How free are you if you can’t use your real name? Maybe you feel free to be judgmental or opinionated but some of us are tired of that approach.
Thank you Eileen! You are called to suffer for the cause of Christ not suffer to enable abuse to continue. Many blessings!
Staying well… learning this term today.
My mother in law has been in an abusive relationship all her life. It has taken a heavy toll on her health and well being. Walking the journey with her. Finally she is coming into terms that she needs to take care of her health first. The doctor’s report can no longer be ignored. She may have to choose between her health and her abusive marriage.
I pray she agrees to leave for sometime and come home with me this December and gain back her strength and her health. I don’t know what will happen next but i pray she chooses her health first.
Thanks Susan and Leslie. I learn a lot from your blog.
Amen!
Staying well. Ridiculous!
I’m staying well, but I wonder about if/ how to tell my husband about it. Mostly to clarify that small talk does not mean everything is fine, what activities we can expect to do together (as a family)/ separately, and that he should not expect sex or intimacy. I don’t want to deal with his moping, I just want things to be clear. We nearly filed for divorce last year and he has broken major boundaries since we agreed not to divorce (he’s an addict) and he’s lost gratitude for the forgiveness he’s been shown (as evidenced by his reaction when confronted on breaking those boundaries.) I’d like to explain the way I’m staying in hopes to bring clarity, understanding and peace. And to cut the (mostly sexual) tension. But I’m not sure it would have this affect. I’d love advice from coaches and to hear other stories of wives who laid out “staying well” to their husbands.