Should I Require My Spouse to Do Things?
Morning friends,
I’m excited about the great response we had to the live streaming event, Can Abusers Change, that Chris Moles and I did last week. If you didn’t get a chance to watch, click here.
I’m going to do some more live streaming in the future on various topics and would love to hear about some of the areas you’d like me to cover. Chris and I also did a few videos while he was here and each week we’ll be posting a new one to my (and his) website for you to watch. Would love to get your feedback.
Today’s Question: Am I asking too much by setting a boundary requiring my husband to refrain from texting other women on a personal basis and do I have the right to check his phone periodically?
Considering we have been married 30 years, he has had 2 sexual affairs and too numerous to count flirting/emotional affairs. Obviously he is not taking my boundary serious. When I found he was still texting other women he got very angry and feels I am wrong to look at his phone. I required him to go to “Every Man's Battle” a Christian sexual integrity workshop and to start seeing a counselor.
He has done what I required but I'm sad to say I'm not seeing the true results of a repentant heart. I have yet to see him step out on his own for recovery. He also struggles with a drinking problem. He says he is a Christian but shows no signs of growing or seeking God. I am very tired and weary from living in this marriage.
I hate to end a 30 year marriage but I can't live in the pain I'm experiencing either. I think of the statement. There are times that one's motivation to change only happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making the change. Thank you SO much for your books and ministry they have been so much help, strength and comfort to me.
Answer: You used the word “require” several times and that troubles me. When you require someone to do something that puts you in the position of a parent or a boss, which is not an appropriate role for a spouse.
I get it. Out of your fear and your pain you want to make sure your husband doesn’t repeat his sinful behavior and so you’re trying to control him by requiring him to do what you think he should do to get healthy and stay sexually faithful.
But how’s it working for you? You said you are not seeing the results you want. His heart is angry, he’s resisting you checking his phone and although he has conformed to your “requirements”, you clearly see he does not want to be accountable to you for his behaviors with other women.
Therefore, where does that leave you if he doesn’t want to take any ownership for his problem or his recovery?
Let me repeat something I’ve said many times. Boundaries cannot be set on another person. For example, you cannot put a fence around your neighbor’s yard even when their dog keeps pooping in your yard. But you can put a fence around your own yard to keep their dog out.
In your requirements, you’ve tried to fence your husband in so he doesn’t cheat on you again. On the surface it looks like he’s complying with your requirements but you feel anxious because you see he has no heart to stay in his own yard.
Here is my suggestion. Take the fence off and tell him this: “You are now free. I am not requiring you to go to treatment, give me your cell phone, stop drinking, or not talk with other women. You are free to do what you want and be the man you want to be. However, your choices will and do affect me and our family and I will not continue to stay in a marriage with someone who cheats on me, flirts with other women and disrespects his marital promises. You decide but understand that although I will not be your policeman, if you choose not to put a fence around your own weaknesses to protect our marriage, I will not be able to trust you and if you cheat again I will divorce you.”
Now you have stopped trying to give him boundaries and instead set your own boundaries. And, you’ve informed him of the consequences if he chooses not to have appropriate boundaries in place to protect your marriage. Time will tell but you cannot MAKE someone be faithful, loving, or honest and policing him only makes him mad and you feel crazy. Stop doing it.
Friends, how have you lived in this in-between place where you have “let go” of trying to fix or control your spouse and the not knowing where they are going to land?
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Leslie’s advice should be taken seriously here. When I was married 22 years, I actually did this most difficult thing. My faith had said don’t divorce. When I was praying before the Lord, He gave me scripture- Isaiah 30:15 which says”In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” The Word Trust is used here and means “there is nothing else one can do”. As I knew He was speaking to me on this issue of keeping on trying everything under the sun…. I knew what to do, I told my husband he was free to go… and unexpectedly he said, “I just need some time”. We are still married after 35 years, but not without challenge. I was naive back then and so wanted my marriage to survive, that I thought it meant great change when he was speaking to me of his need. Now years later when the stakes are higher (my grandchildren live next door and we help a lot) and the family has grown and there are more children, leaving would be extremely difficult especially as we are aging. Though he has changed in many ways because I have learned to set boundaries (and still in that process as a life long leaner), it is not easy to tackle the challenges and they are affecting our children and grandchildren and it grieves me so. If I had been privy to this teaching I might have taken Leslie’s advice and followed through. I would also have been stronger in my boundary setting. I would have followed my husband’s advice – “Don’t reward bad behavior.” You have been given an opportunity to love your husband with the highest regard- actually selflessly- not with “you” in mind as to your own needs first, but with his needs first. What he needs is for you to have strong boundaries and to be at Peace when you tell him just exactly what Leslie has directed. If you can’t say the words, just read them. Praying for you and all who read this today! Move towards the Light in all that you endeavor … and He will make your paths straight:).
Great!!!!!!!
Leslie’s advice should be taken seriously here. When I was married 22 years, I actually did this most difficult thing. My faith had said don’t divorce. When I was praying before the Lord, He gave me scripture- Isaiah 30:15 which says”In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” The Word Trust is used here and means “there is nothing else one can do”. As I knew He was speaking to me on this issue of keeping on trying everything under the sun…. I knew what to do, I told my husband he was free to go… and unexpectedly he said, “I just need some time”. We are still married after 35 years, but not without challenge. I was naive back then and so wanted my marriage to survive, that I thought it meant great change when he was speaking to me of his need. Now years later when the stakes are higher (my grandchildren live next door and we help a lot) and the family has grown and there are more children, leaving would be extremely difficult especially as we are aging. Though he has changed in many ways because I have learned to set boundaries (and still in that process as a life long leaner), it is not easy to tackle the challenges and they are affecting our children and grandchildren and it grieves me so. If I had been privy to this teaching I might have taken Leslie’s advice and followed through. I would also have been stronger in my boundary setting. I would have followed my husband’s advice – “Don’t reward bad behavior.” You have been given an opportunity to love your husband with the highest regard- actually selflessly- not with “you” in mind as to your own needs first, but with his needs first. What he needs is for you to have strong boundaries and to be at Peace when you tell him just exactly what Leslie has directed. If you can’t say the words, just read them. Praying for you and all who read this today! Move towards the Light in all that you endeavor … and He will make your paths straight:). And yes, I will take my own advice daily too. 🙂
Great advice. Really puts things into perspective. I didn’t get to listen to the event with Chris Moles yet, but am looking forward to it as soon as I get a chance! Thanks for posting the link!
You’re welcome. I think you’ll find it helpful.
So true Lesley! Policing our husbands only applies “law” and law exacerbates rebellion. The thing we fail to realize is that your husband’s rebellion is really against God, but when you are his policewoman, it feels and becomes personal. I had to do the same thing; step out of the way and let the chips fall where they may…and fall they did. I have been married almost 33 years and we are now separated for almost 5 months. While it is heartbreaking and I hate the losses and trauma it has caused me, my family and friends, I cannot control another person, I am only responsible for myself. I do hope your husband wakes up and that he honors you and the marriage. Most of all, I hope he surrenders fully to Christ as Lord. I discovered that in letting go of control, I myself was actually and finally surrendering to Christ as MY Lord and trusting Him with my life instead of trying to control outcomes.
So true.
. . . . and I am still in the ‘in-between’ place myself. It is very scary. I have had to call the law (4 years ago) and that got results, but didn’t address everything. 6 months ago, I left. That got more results but still didn’t address everything. Now we are in very intensive counseling–began as individually, now we have some sessions together, but both of us are still continuing the individual counseling as well. My challenge in the joint sessions is to be very open and honest about my feelings. He seems to have a tremendously difficult time comprehending anyone’s pain but his own–and I don’t believe that he even actually feels that very deeply . . . . At this point, I see him making efforts, but I still don’t completely know where he will ‘land’ so it is taking a LOT of patience and relying on God’s wisdom and direction . . . . . I have no easy answers for anyone else in this situation. It just isn’t an easy path. I am very grateful for this community of women with whom I can connect.
I love this because it takes the pressure off! I’m not responsible for you. You are responsible for your choices. But there are consequences. And this is what they will be.
You choose.
‘Cause who wants to police a relationship? It’s just way too exhausting. And in the end, no one wins.
I so needed this today. Leslie, you’re right (again). It’s heartbreaking, but thank you. People are free to live their lives how they choose.
I was married very young to a “Christian” boy who cheated from the day we were married to the divorce 6 years later. I kept telling myself that I had to catch him somehow even though I really knew what he was doing and lying about it. He brought home health issues that could not be transmitted any other way. I found out the name and place of employment of a young woman he was dating while I was at home with 2 children. I went to where she worked and set her straight on what was going on. She was being used, there was no divorce in process but there was soon after. I was ridiculed by others for going to her like that, but I was much bolder back in those days. We became friends. We both got rid of him. His bags were packed and on the curb.
It was easy for me to say no to accepting adultery. The Bible said I didn’t have to. Then I found out that there were other forms of abuse and became an abuser magnet. That was not as easy to say the Bible doesn’t say I have to endure this. Thank you Leslie and others for setting me straight.
I totally agree! After so many years of marriage the ‘tough love’ approach can be so difficult, but it is not impossible. You will be healthier in the long run if you choose this journey. He is responsible for him. You are responsible for you. God bless you as you move forward. You owe it to yourself to have a good life and to stop enabling this abusive behavior.
This post was just what I needed today. My husband and I have been separated for six months and I find myself being tempted yet still to be the investigator. It is difficult at times to let it go and let God. I have seen some growth begin to happen in my husband yet we have not been going to church and we have yet to start counseling. We have a blended family which has its own set of issues. I would like to encourage all who read this article today to hold fast, be consistent with your boundaries and work on your personal relationship with Jesus. Continue to remember that He adores you and has your best interest at heart! Love and peace to all my fellow sisters. We are not alone in this battle!
After my husband of 27 years showed a continual pattern of unfaithfulness I finally decided to let him be who he is. I decided I would not accept his behavior anymore. I decided to let him be who he is instead of telling him who to be and then expecting him to be that guy that I so badly saw he COULD be if he truly surrendered to Christ. We used to have agreements that he wouldn’t go out to dinner with a woman for work or any other purposes, or have a drink with a woman, blah, blah, blah. I finally realized that he is going to do whatever is in his heart to do. So I let him. It was scary because I think that deep down I knew he would be unfaithful. The fact is, that is who he had been, I was too scared to see it. In my pride, I tried to “control” the situation and him and, as Leslie pointed out – it didn’t work well for me! I finally was able to face who he truly was and I asked him to leave. He did, surprisingly. Now I am a month from being divorced after a year and a half separation. This is working for me much better, I’ve gotta say!
I never wanted it to be this way. I didn’t want to be divorced. I wanted my marriage to work and I was determined to make it work- even if he wasn’t. that right there was my pride in thinking I could do it all. The Lord showed me He loves me with an everlasting love and He is faithful. I don’t have to write a script for anyone. I can let people be who they are and I know the Lord will be with me when I face heartache, disappointment and even joy. This is living. Praise God!
‘Continue to remember that He adores you and has your best interest at heart! Love and peace to all my fellow sisters. We are not alone in this battle!’
Thank you, DeeDee, that’s encouraging.
Being Separated from my wife for two months I have put fences around my anger. I have put fences around my life. The only way I could do this is by going to church every day and reducing my anxieties. It keeps me in the word. I believe it is too late and my wife has moved on to another, however, the peace in life that I feel is getting greater. I just pray and hope that she will reconsider. Each day I offer my prayers to her and her healing. TO let me understand what pain I have put her through. I am deeply committed to her despite not talking for over 2 months. I would ask you pray for both of us.
Thanks for sharing Michael. I’m glad you are taking the steps to work on you and your own anger. You will need to be vigilant over these things as old habits die hard. May God continue to show you his love for you and may you continue to allow people to speak truth into your life.
Thanks Leslie. I appreciate the help. I do wish that my wife would talk with the pastor or the doctors I have in order to treconcile. However she refuses. This has taught me a valuable lesson in life which I do not intend to repeat. There were abuses on both sides of the marriage and I have accepted my role. I know CHrist has forgivien me. I do not think my wife ever will. I forgive my wife for everything.
Leslie, thank you for the “live streaming” event! You touched my heart. I would love to watch more of these insightful events. I have lived in an abusive marriage for 39 years. I am changing by learning to set my boundaries and I’m watching God work on my husband but he’s still not struggling with accepting responsibility for his actions. He is changing and repents more in some areas. It’s difficult because when he disrespects me it feels like I’m not good enough to be fully loved. I know that is a lie from satan and I’m trying to stand firm and let God change us. I’m trying to talk respectfully but honestly with him holding him accountable for his actions. He’s always gotten his way in life be throwing fits if he doesn’t get his way or running away. He was abused as a child and has very poor social skills.
It’s not easy but God gives me grace and is changing me as he is also changing my husband. It’s more difficult because my husband was a Pastor for 10 years during the most abusive times in our marriage. Now I’m a leader in Women’s Ministries in our church and feel embarrassed that my husband is still sometimes abusive and has very little involvement in the church ministries.
For me the decision I regret most in my life was marrying my husband and letting him talk me out of finishing my education with the promise that I could after marriage.
Thanks I do plan on doing more live-streaming events both alone and with Chris – and perhaps some other people too, so stay turned to my newsletter for details.
Some people are very good at covering up porn, affairs for years. They lie about where they are. What does one do when faced with that situation? An acquaintance was married 40 yrs and her husband was into porn and affairs the whole time and she didn’t have a clue (cause husband treated her well). What is the best course of action to prevent something like that?
What’s the best way to prevent being lied to? I’m not sure there is any sure-fire way to always know whether someone lies to you other than trust your gut and when things don’t match up, dig deeper. Ask God to show you the truth and don’t lie to yourself.
I still cannot believe the lie he told me about not drinking when I found the open beer hidden in the garage. So I want to tell him he can’t be here if he’s drinking but if he says he isn’t how does that work? He said I should get a breath tester and that would prove he’s innocent. I’m tempted to do it if it isn’t expensive and call his bluff. What do you think?
If you can find one then I would call his bluff. Is it possible that the can was old – from before?
No. He said it was but when I suspected he was drinking last month, I checked all the old places and it was not there. There was that one in the cupboard half full and 2 full bottles in a box and some empties. I dumped the open bottle out and put it back. Later in the day all the bottles but that one disappeared. I know I smelled it on his breath. I think he left that one there so he could say he didn’t know it was there. It would have had to have been there since January and I checked when he went into treatment to make sure all the beer was gone. His explanation makes no sense at all. He also blew up at me last week and all the old stuff came right back, yelling, putdowns, me wasting my time when I could be working(I was huckleberry picking with a friend and he could have called me if he needed me to come home, then he told me to pack my bags and leave. I told him I would leave if he didn’t stop yelling so i did. I came back after an hour and even helped him work on the deck. Never any apology. Should I have helped? If I didn’t,I don’t think he would finish it.
Thanks for this! I separated from my husband about 8 months ago. He went to rehab as he had been hiding drug, alcohol and sexual addictions. I feel so pressured to “do the right thing” and “take him back”, yet…. there is no change of heart or desire to change from him. I did everything I could to keep our marriage together – yet, change only happened when I set boundaries for myself and got past the fear of being alone with small children. Dealing with the pressure to take him back has been harder on my Christian walk than going through the pain of hiding and living with the craziness. Setting boundaries for myself and my children does NOT make me a bad Christian! I wish other Christians could see that… thank you so much for this post!
This is a great answer except for one tiny thing. I don’t think she should have to wait around for another affair. Cheaters are expert liars and much ruin will come while waiting.
When a sex addict still is texting other women and continuing to have a secret life it makes an unsafe environment for his betrayed wife, and sets an easy path for future sexual acting. A wife will not heal from the trauma in such an unsafe place, and a Christian marriage will never find stability on such shifting sand..
If she “requires” these (very reasonable) safety boundaries and the cheater balks and yet she stays, again, she will never reach that safe place in which to heal.
From my view if a husband doesn’t give a rip that keeping a secretive life makes his 30 year marriage unstable and keeps his betrayed wife in a cycle of repeated trauma, then he has missed the entire point of EMB altogether and is still in an affair…with himself.
The statistics for a sex addict staying in recovery are not very good to begin with (around like 2-5% I think it is). So to stay and wait for the next inevitable affair seems unwise. You already know where his loyalty is.
We can say “This is the level of commitment and open living I need for me to stay in this marriage.” and leave the choice to him. We can’t make another adult to do anything but we can, as Leslie says, put up fences to keep the dog sh-t out of our beloved yard.
You’re right, she doesn’t have to wait around for another affair, but I think it’s fair for her to release him, set her boundaries and see whether he respects her boundaries (not requiring his) to make the next decision she needs to make. Probably it will be more of the same but then she’ll know for sure.
Thank you so much for your posts and your video. Im a new therapist and I’m learning so much from you. I would love information on the topics of depression, substance abuse, and suicide prevention.
Thanks again!
Andrea, I hope to be doing some YOUTube video’s for therapist in the near future. I’m also going to be sending out a mailing for therapist to be more trained in dealing with these issues so stay tuned.
What you say is very true! I went from having 0 boundaries to trying to set boundaries and as a result was giving my husband “rules” he needed to follow. All that did was give him things to break. He felt I didn’t have the right to tell him what to do so whenever I tried to do that he felt he had to deliberately cross whatever that line was. It was not successful at all. When I finally gave up and said this isn’t working I just told him that he had been told many times by many people – pastors, counselors and friends – how to treat me well and if he couldn’t choose to do that then I was going to remove myself from the situation. Sometimes it takes the absense and missing of what they’ve lost to bring the change so desperately needed. I held out some hope that he would come to his senses, but that didn’t happen and he continued to use manipulation and threats to try to force me to return home and after 3 years of living separated I finally chose to file for divorce.
Sounds like you gave him plenty of time to wake up and make better choices.
Thank you so much Leslie for answering my question. With all the recovery work I have done I know your words are right on. I am trying to control and change my husband and your right it is not going well he is angry and I DO feel crazy at times and it is very exhausting. I guess for me requiring him to go EMB and counseling was my last attempt to get him to own his addictions and reach out for recovery. But considering he has been going to a counselor for 9 months and it has been 2.5 months since EMB and there has been no real heart change or move towards God and is still texting other woman. Come on I have to get real and face the reality he is not going to change and I have to move on with my life. I know God is with me and loves me and will care for me but this is the hardest thing I have ever been faced to do in my life. Caroline, I agree with you I should not stay and wait for another affair I have to move on now. I can’t live in the hurt, pain and trauma I’ve been living in. I have been living a good portion of my life in a state of betrayal blindness because he has been so good at hiding, lying and charming me back into his web. I have been at this point twice now in the past year. I’ve told him I wanted a divorce and he gets angry threatens suicide and says he don’t want a divorce and reminds me of all the requirements of mine he’s doing , counseling taking his depression meds etc. When this happens I get soft and feel sorry for him and here we go back in our sick cycle. I have to be strong this time. I know if he ever has a chance at true recovery I have to get out of the way so God can do his work. I have cushioned him and kept him from hitting bottom. God forgive me for enabling and trying to be my husbands God. Please agree with me in prayer as I prepare for this ever so hard and painful but necessary endeavor. We have grown children and grandchildren. I know this will be hard on everyone. Thanks again Leslie and all you sisters in Christ your words have been of much strength and comfort in a most fearful and painful time in my life. May God bless you all and surround us with His amazing love, mercy and grace. I will sign my name as “Desperate”
You’re welcome. I think many women feel desperate as you do to save their marriage, to wake their husband’s up to his destructive ways and to do what God wants them to do. But I don’t think God wants you to enable someone to stay immature and selfish – if you have choices not to. Therefore, let your husband make his choices about flirting and texting and when you go, say you made your choices – you want to be this kind of man and I don’t want to be married to someone who cheats on me.
It’s so hard to face reality though isn’t it?
Leslie,
I enjoyed the webinar and learned a lot from Chris Moles. Would it be appropriate for a webinar geared specifically toward the abuser in an attempt to show them the light about their own behavior? You had asked for suggestions on topics for future webinars.
Yes we’re planning on doing more work in that area together.
The comments about allowing our husbands to make their choices and then experience the natural consequences has been eye opening and somewhat of a relief.
I am so glad I found this website and blog. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I had been reading your book about emotionally destructive marriages but felt my marriage wasn’t all bad and we could continue to work on our issues over time.
Last week, on the last night of our vacation, we had another one of our “go nowhere” arguments that escalated into me hitting and scratching him. Under the blame shifting excuse of “defending” himself, he punched me in the head several times and smashed my head against a wall.
I am beginning to see the truth in this situation and have begun in earnest to re-read the book and seek God for his wisdom and answers.
Hitting and scratching are also unacceptable behaviors if you want to have a good relationship but your husbands excuse is inexcusable. I assume he is bigger and stronger and could have either gotten away from you or restrained you with less abusive tactics.
I’m reading this a bit late but how do I know if he’s texting and seeing others once I set the boundaries? I do not want to continually check to make sure!
I would love to release my spouse in this way but he is so very good at covering his tracks, I fear I will never know if he goes back to her. So how do you have this type of freedom while still protecting yourself?