Must I Reconcile Now That He’s Saved?
Morning friend,
I’ve been chewing on a quote for a few weeks now: It says….
“People mothered beyond fear are not so easily managed or administered or intimidated.”
– Walter Brueggemann
I love his use of the verb “mothered”. Have you been mothered beyond fear? What might be possible for you if you didn’t live afraid? Afraid of failure. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of rejection, of being alone, or unwanted or unloved? Our blog question for today is about the fear of being wrong, of disapproval, of making someone unhappy. So many of us live our lives smaller than we’re called to because we live afraid.
Next week, June 23-27 my coaching team is hosting a week-long coaching challenge called Moving Beyond Insecurity. Insecurity is rooted in fear. In the fear of not being enough, not knowing enough, not doing enough. If that’s you and you’d like some “mothering” beyond fear, we invite you to join us for a week of live zoom coaching each day, Monday through Friday to Move beyond Insecurity.
Today’s Question: Your Conquer program has been so helpful to me throughout the past 2 years. 2 years ago, I separated from my husband. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I was physically and psychologically very unwell after years being lied to regarding addictions & pornography. I didn’t know what to believe anymore and had endured numerous nervous breakdowns throughout the 10 years we had been married. I came to the Lord 7 years into our marriage and everything changed— eventually God made a way for me to get out of the relationship safely and regain my physical & mental fortitude. It was truly my personal exodus.
Two years after being out of the relationship (separated and not divorced) my husband professed to me that he was giving his life to Jesus. I was elated but watched closely. It’s been a little over a year since that day and I observe from a safe distance. While I want to believe things would truly be different, it makes me physically ill just the thought of ever returning from where God set me free. I was truly dying.
Does God expect me to go back now that my husband is saved? His church encouraged him to justify my terms for separation and I was told by him recently that I was not behaving to biblical standards. This is truly like my nightmare, now he is throwing scripture at me & in a space (the church) where I once felt so safe. It is so confusing to navigate. I want so much to be free from the torment of knowing how to navigate this part of the separation. Any advice or guidance would be so helpful. Thank you, Leslie (& team!)
Answer: First, let me encourage you for all the hard work you have done in taking a stand, separating from a toxic person/marriage and doing the work so that you can regain your own mental, physical, and spiritual health. I’m glad to hear that your husband has come to faith in Christ. But from my perspective, his priority should not be on the restoration of your marriage but rather maturing as a godly man. He did a lot of damage to you, himself, and your marriage while caught in his addictions. Getting saved is a great start, but it doesn’t magically mature him or change years of bad habits, unhealthy thinking, and patterns of addiction. What work has he done to get clean from those things? I understand why you still would feel physically ill at the thought of being together again.
You said you’ve been observing him from a safe distance. What are you seeing? If you share children together, what changes have you seen in the way he handles his responsibilities as a father? How has he made amends to you and the children for the hurt he’s caused? How is he handling the finances? His job? Other responsibilities? Do you feel safe around him? Can you express your thoughts and feelings, and do they matter to him?
You mentioned that his church encouraged him to justify your biblical reasons for separating. Why haven’t they reached out to you themselves if they were curious? You said your husband told you that he believes that you are not behaving according to Biblical standards? I find it noteworthy that after all the pain he has caused you, he would feel entitled to use Scripture to judge you and your walk with God. Obviously, that has impacted you. Have you talked with your own church leaders about what’s happening? Do you feel a need to explain or defend yourself to him or to his or your church? If so, get curious about that. Are you struggling with the need for your husband’s approval or the fear of the church’s disapproval?
I’m always cautious when a new convert becomes more focused on your “unbiblical stance or boundaries” than their own restoration, amends making, and growth. The Bible can become weaponized to control what you do or don’t do. Friend, you can’t control him, but you can notice how he continues to try to control you by preying on your holy desire to be a godly woman. To him, godly means what? To do what he says because now he’s your spiritual leader? Does it mean unconditional forgiveness and full reconciliation of your marriage? Is he more focused on your godliness than his own? And what does it mean to you to be a godly woman?
As tempting as it is to argue with him about this, the person you have to settle these questions with is not him; it’s with your own self and God. Does biblical forgiveness automatically mean full reconciliation with restoration of all marital privileges? Or does repeated serious sin create consequences that are sometimes permanent?
Here are a few questions you may want to ponder to bring clarity to your heart and mind.
1. If you are open to the possibility of marital reconciliation someday, what changes would be necessary for you to see in him and in your marriage that might make rebuilding marital safety and trust possible? John the Baptist tells the religious leaders of the day, “Prove that you have repented of your sin and turned to God.” (Matthew 3:8). Jesus says something similar when he warns us that it’s our actions that demonstrate a change of heart, not our words. (see Matthew 7:20). What specific actions would he be engaging in that would show you he’s serious about his own change and growth?
Or, if that door feels closed, the next question is;
2. Can you forgive him without marital reconciliation and still be godly? (You might be able to reconcile as brother and sister in Christ, but not as husband and wife). Understand, he may disagree with you and try to convince you that you’re unbiblical. Your work is not to argue about who is right, but to be at peace with God as well as able to handle his disapproval or rejection with truth and grace.
What support will you need to handle his pushback?
Friend, I’ll ask you to ponder the same questions. If you are stuck in a separated state, what changes do you need to see to start rebuilding broken trust and safety? Or if it’s over and you are done, what changes do you need to make to be able to handle other people’s disapproval on your stand?
Don’t forget: We are starting our Moving Beyond Insecurity Try Coaching week Monday June 23. It’s not too late to sign up.
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I find your response very helpful to me personally and I believe helps our sister also.
Wow. I feel like I could have written this question. This is something I have been wrestling with as well. Thank you both for the ask and the answer!
You’re welcome. I hope you can get the support you need to move forward.
Great question, great answer
Thank you both
I may very well have to take the separation step as well. My husband professes Christ but yet I found him out on several dating sites lying about his marital status & chatting to other women. When confronted, I was blamed for those actions. There has not been any repentance to date…
Curious why you would stay with a man who is searching for other women and is unrepentant? If it’s for financial reasons, I get it, but time to start making a plan to get ready to leave at some point because it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change his ways if he’s blaming you.
I don’t have the money to leave yet, but believe me, a plan is in the works! And I’ve set some boundaries in the meantime like no more intimacy because the trust is gone.
So right Ms leslie, it doesn’t take long to see actions and we have to be at the point where we have God help us make decisions and not being guilted by scriptures people quote to us. After our separation I was so stressed, I had a stroke. My ex husband came back to “help” but by the way he treated me when I was vulnerable I knew I could not reconcile in marriage and that he was not repentant. I was able to forgive and we parent the children together but we are divorced. Did I receive backlash, yes. But I am living an abundant, peaceful life with God.
I hear your pain. I’m so sorry you are experiencing it.
There is such a thing as spiritual abuse too.
Manipulative tactics exist to pull us back into unhealthy patterns.
Forgiveness is commanded but the doesn’t mean reconciliation follows automatically.
Lysa Terkeurst book Good Boundaries and Good bye may help. There is a section in the back that list Bible verses and common misinterpretation of them.
Not all church leaders are perfect. They have their own lenses, ways of viewing the world, and ways of interpreting the Bible.
I once went my Pastor about cyclical physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse and neglect. Along with infidelity. I was told God hates divorce. And we don’t get credit for loving easy people. It was off advice. And not helpful. I also read a Christian marriage book once that said something to the effect of “don’t you want to be loved at your worst then you have to love others at theirs”. I think that’s fine in the context of normal arguments and frustrations that occur in a relationship but not in the context of abuse or addiction or breaking of the marriage covenant. .
Harriet Learners books helped me define my “bottom lines”. What is it I really want? What is it I really need?
The living in truth theme with all of Leslie work is so helpful it can keep us grounded in reality vs the fantasy of what we hoped our partners and marriage would be.
Just know God loves you and you are never alone. I wish you peace, wisdom, and strength.
Sally, I agree Lysa’s book is helpful here. Also Jesus tells us to love our enemies – meaning we can love them at their worst, but that does NOT mean we live with an enemy, reconcile with an enemy, kiss an enemy or let them continue to harm us. So loving someone might include good boundaries and good byes.
My “devout” husband told me that separation was the same as divorce in God’s eyes, and that the problem was that I lacked faith to restore our marriage. His view was also that I had to forgive and totally forget- like God- and never bring anything he has done up again. That was my “no can do” moment. When I divorced him two years after separation and living in separate countries, he finally agreed because the Bible said to “let an unbeliever go”. According to him that was me. I am working on getting out from under his spiritual abuse and rediscovering my close relationship with Jesus.
Thank you for this topic. I am divorced from a self professed Christian who has all sorts of addictions such as alcoholism, pornography, dating sites, and strip clubs. We had been divorcef for many years and then reconciled. We re-married after his new found Christianity. Due to these addictions continuing, we are no longer married for the second time. He says he was only one listening to the preacher when we made our vows.
I have forgiven him, from a distance, and I am forever thankful to God for giving me the way out.
Is there any fruit? I completely empathize with your concerns, dear inquirer. Addictions don’t simply vanish with salvation unless a miracle occurs through God’s intervention. While that is certainly possible, I believe this journey is ultimately between you and God, rather than the church.
I’ve heard the term mothering several times in the last few weeks so I decided to look deeper into the term. “To be mothered” generally means to be cared for and nurtured in a way that is characteristic of a mother, often involving emotional support, protection, and a sense of being unconditionally loved. It encompasses both the physical and emotional aspects of caregiving. The Hebrew term for mother, “Ima”, is derived from the root “אם” (em), which signifies not just the biological mother but also the origin or source. This root word is profound, suggesting that a mother is a wellspring of life, wisdom, and tradition, emphasizing her role as the primary influence in the social and spiritual fabric of the family. The word “אֵם” suggests a source or origin, inherently linking a mother to the concept of being a foundational life-giver. This implication extends the role of a mother to being the primary nurturer not only of her children’s physical needs but also of their spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth. In Hebrew, the root “אֵם” is also a part of other words that convey foundational and structural meanings, underscoring the mother’s role as a central pillar in both family and society. https://www.hnaftali.com/post/what-does-the-hebrew-word-for-mother-really-mean
“Afraid of failure. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of rejection, of being alone, or unwanted or unloved? So many of us live our lives smaller than we’re called to because we live afraid”. Oh how I’ve lived this lifestyle for way to long. I believe God shows/tells us what we should do. Still married to a man with several addictions & abusive behaviors I cried out to God. I wept in the shower one morning before church. God I need a sign. Show me what I am to do. After church a women scooted 5 chairs down and said, It’s time to leave. I pray dear one he gives you answers of what’s next.
What a beautiful term “mothered” .Leslie you and your team do it well with much Love.
D+P thanks for this beautiful article on the Hebrew word for “mother”. Although some of us here did not have adequate “mothering” from our biological mothers, I believe that as women, we are called to nurture, bless, support, and help mature one another into our full identity as image bearers of God. This is a holy and sacred calling for all women of God, to be mothered and to mother one another.