Rebuilding Trust with Your Child After Conflict
Dear Beloved Readers,
In our last post, we began talking about the effects of trauma on how we react, especially in moments of conflict with our children. Today, I want to address another important aspect of the question: How do I make amends and rebuild trust after a difficult moment with my child?
As parents, we all have moments where we don’t respond the way we want to. The key is learning how to repair the relationship afterward, restoring connection, and rebuilding trust. This can feel overwhelming, especially when emotions run high, but there is hope. Rebuilding trust with your child is possible, and it can be one of the most healing parts of your relationship. We’ll explore how to reconnect with your child using the principles of Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) and grounding ourselves in the biblical truth of reconciliation.
As a TBRI Practitioner, one of the most valuable principles I’ve seen at work is connection before correction. This means that before trying to correct your child’s behavior, you focus on reconnecting with them emotionally. Children, especially those who’ve experienced trauma or high emotional stress, often struggle to process correction until they feel safe and seen.
Think about how God deals with us when we fall short. His first move is always toward relationship and grace, inviting us to return to Him in love. As parents, we can mirror this by making sure our children know they are deeply loved and valued, even in moments of conflict.
Scripture:
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” —Ephesians 4:2 (NLT)
Re-Do’s: A Second Chance
One beautiful TBRI tool that reflects God’s grace is offering a re-do. After a conflict, instead of shaming your child or letting the moment linger, offer a re-do. This gives both you and your child the chance to practice a better way of handling the situation.
Here’s how it can look:
- Acknowledge the moment: Calmly admit that things didn’t go well earlier. You might say, “I know that was hard for both of us. Let’s try that moment again.”
- Model the behavior: Show your child how you’d like them to respond by leading with your own calm and gentle approach. This teaches them that mistakes are opportunities for growth, not shame.
This not only rebuilds trust but also teaches your child that it’s okay to make mistakes—and that you, as their parent, are there to help them learn and grow.
Part of rebuilding trust is ensuring that your child feels safe, not just physically, but emotionally. In TBRI, we call this felt safety. Children need to know they can come to you without fear of punishment or judgment. Just like God is our safe refuge (Proverbs 18:10), we can create a home where our children feel safe even after conflict. This can be as simple as offering them a hug, using a calm tone, or letting them know you’re ready to talk when they are.
Another key to rebuilding trust is taking responsibility when we fall short as parents. Apologizing to your child might feel humbling, but it models grace and humility. It shows your child that even adults make mistakes and that asking for forgiveness is a powerful way to heal relationships. God calls us to confess and heal. We can learn to make heartfelt apologies.
Scripture:
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” —James 5:16 (NLT)
Friends, as you navigate the journey of rebuilding trust with your child, I want you to remember that every step, no matter how small, matters. It’s in these moments of humility and love that healing begins. Parenting is not about perfection—it’s about progress, grace, and connection. I know the road can feel long, but I want to encourage you to keep showing up with love and openness. You are planting seeds of trust, and in time, those seeds will bear fruit. I’m here with you, praying for you, and cheering you on as you walk this path.
Thank you for trusting me to walk alongside you. I am grateful for this community, and I look forward to hearing how these moments of reconnection bless and strengthen your relationship with your child. Rebuilding safety and trust with your child is your responsibility. Please get the support and help you need. Your commitment to hold fast to the healthy chapters you are committing to walking in is vital to rebuilding trust and safety. It is not enough to be sorry. You must change your behavior.
Action Step:
This week, think of a moment of conflict with your child and offer a re-do. Practice responding calmly and reconnecting before jumping into a correction.
What has helped you rebuild trust with your child after a tough moment? How do you create space for connection and healing in your home?
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Could you speak to how YEARS of trauma response mis-parenting has afected your ADULT child to the point of them drawing severe boundaries in their interactions with you b/c THEY still do not feel safe? How do you rebuild after this?
Nancy Lee, I’d like to know the answer to this question, too. I’m in the middle of conflict with my 31 year old daughter, who will not accept any responsibility for her part in the conflict. She feels completely justified in her position that I’m totally responsible for the conflict. This is a repeated pattern for her.
Same with my daughter. No consideration. She’s 24. And is in a bad relationship too. But since she has been with him and won’t leaving at the pitty of him possibly going to jail. She’s defensive makes excuses lies.
I too have mis-parenting, my 4 grown adult children have & are still struggling with the 4 year separation & finally divorce. Divorce breaks trust & relationships to more than the divorcees. It has been extremely painful watching & seeing my children hurting. The only answer I see is to continue to love them & model all these things. I definitely am not perfect but am getting so much better, especially after divorce was finalized. Then I had an eye opening experience at his family reunion (yes I went) been married 34 years so I wanted to visit with others I haven’t seen . An extremely hurtful interaction with one of my adult children there occurred. As with the tension of divorce , praise God he kept the veil over my eyes & I just didn’t see until the next day until veil removed. I now realize I was still going back to dysfunctional relationships his family wanting to be apart of, but seriously as I reflected I never was accepted by this alcoholic family in denial & all the’ isms’.
I also come from a dysfunctional alcoholic family & have sought counseling through the years. Being told by one counselor that it takes 3 generations to overcome alcoholism AFTER seeking help. Being that they might not drink but the same thinking & behavior patterns ‘isms’ remain unless addressed. Well it begins with me! God allowed & protected me with the veil until safely home with & while communing with the Lord in prayer, crying out to Him. I was still searching for acceptance & love from family instead of Him alone. God is good…All the time. I have to repeatedly surrender my ( really God’s ) children to Him praying for them to know His truth & love , & feel it too. We need that felt safety with the Lord too. Thank you Jesus!
To Beverly, Heather, Lori, and Nancy, I believe the same principle of connection before correction applies with adult children. I have done this. Begin with a statement of your love and care, and an admission of wrong-doing. Apologize. Wish you could go back and change it. Etc. Then admit that you see their pain and understand that their behavior reflects their pain. Then ask for forgiveness and a change of behavior on their part. You can also set a boundary, by saying, for example, “I’m asking that you no longer (whatever the behavior is) and I want you to know that if it happens again, I will…… Then follow through. Do not engage when they do their thing. Just leave. So after doing your part by identifying why they are angry and disrespectful and apologizing, then set a boundary and a consequence. This works well for adults, and if it doesn’t, then you have tried. Nevertheless, maintain that boundary. None of us deserves to be disrespected.
Wow, connection before correction.
That’s powerful.
Sometimes I try reasoning but I’m not sure that’s quite the same as connection.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Niki, how will you move these ideas forward with your kiddos? Please let us know the fruit you experience:) Prayers offered up for all of us to connect well with those we love most!
I love the idea of offering a redo! It can turn a tense moment into a win-win for everyone! Practice makes perfect and this gives kids a chance to be the blessing that they are capable of being with a little help and a lot of grace – the same grace Christ has shown to us.
Hello Aimee!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, practice makes progress, and healthy presence with one another is so life giving.
Excellent article, LeAnne, very helpful insight… and I’m grateful for the specific ideas you provided about how to connect/re-connect with our children. I’ve heard this dynamic (making mistakes; sinning against one another) also referred to as “rupture and repair.” I’m finding that process of repair to be so vital as a parent.
That aside, I’m finding so much of Leslie Vernick & Co. materials (YouTube videos, etc) to be super practical and helpful, as I continue to find that it’s OK to make mistakes; I don’t need to be perfect; I can learn….all while learning how to regular my emotions. Being part of Walking in CORE Strength has also been helpful on my journey. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate Leslie and the lovely coaches here. 💕🙏🏼
Carla,
I am so grateful to hear that you are encouraged through our sharing here. My heart is so for you all. We are stronger together.
Perfection is not what we are after. Only our God is perfect. Our steps forward into healthy connections matter to Him. The ripple effect of doing our own work to grow strong in Christ and keep Him at the center will extend throughout the generations…
Sorry – meant to say *regulate* my emotions – but I don’t see a way to edit my comment ☺️
I wish I had learned this when my children were young. I was raised with a shouting mom, an absent father, spent his time at the tavern. I repeated the pattern.
Brenda, I too repeated some of my parents unhealthiness- we are all growing daily! Thank you for your vulnerability. How will you step into today? We have agency to decide.
Thank you. This is so good! So grateful for this program and Leslie and her coaches. Praise God he provides for our healing in such tender and gracious ways!
Sometime adult children are too harsh with you.
Some are verbally abusive and refuse to admitt their fault in the matter. It is alway’s someone else to blame.
Their language has changed in the way they address their parent’s during disagreement’s.
Thank you Lynn for sharing your heart. Our God is tender. I pray we will all grow in our tenderness with one another.
I just told my adult daughter about some things she said that hurt after taking care of her daughter for 3 1/2 years. The hurtful words were said 4 years ago. It took me that long to talk about it. I always worked very hard to be a good mom and grandmom. I was let go from my childcare role because I was “coddling” my grandchild. I felt like I was loving her. It’s so hard to see if I was at fault or if this was just one big misunderstanding. We all still have a relationship, so that’s good. I don’t know if I should have just let it go, or if I needed to express it. I see my granddaughter hurting from many times being treated harshly by her father who has been caring for her for the past 4 years. I pray for her every day.
I see you, feel you and hear you… it is heart breaking to witness unhealthy patterns. How will you care for your heart today?
I really appreciate the language “connection before correction”! I know in the tension of conflict I have wanted things to be “fixed” so we could just move on but I am learning that healthy relationships don’t work that way. As difficult as the separation, divorce and estrangement from 4 adult children has been, I see areas I need to change and growth is happening! Once I understood covert abuse and and how it played out in my marriage for 35 years, I knew I needed to get out. However, since most of the manipulation happened behind closed doors, I didn’t realize how much my children were affected by it. The toxicity subtlely permeated our relationships so this was “normal” for my kids.
Changing the “dance steps” of our family relationships has been challenging. With no open communication with 4 of my adult kids it seemed like reestablishing a relationship would be impossible. For 3 years I occasionally texted about things I found out about. “Your new job sounds like it will be a great fit for you. Love you, Mom.” You must have learned so much while you were remodeling your bathroom! It turned out beautifully! Love you, Mom.” I am so sorry your car got graffitied. I hope you are able to repair the damage. Love you, Mom.”
Nine months ago there began to be a shift and there were small responses when I reached out. I continue to reach out to connect and 3 of them, and their families, are going to meet me for Thanksgiving.
Along the way, I have been working to learn about me. I have been growing new relationships at church and work and have been exploring new hobbies and interests.
Last summer, I was part of the Moving Beyond People Pleasing coaching group. LeAnne, I asked you about how to move into the tension of the conflict between my children and I loved your response, You suggested asking questions like, “Help me understand how you felt when…” I have been practicing what that can look like and am hopeful for the day that can be a part of our family conversations.
I am so thankful for all I have learned from Leslie and coaches over the past 4 years. Thank you for continuing to answer questions and send out regular emails!
Janet, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us in this space. I am honored by your story and your encouraging words. You are brave and fierce! The Lord holds you close dear one as you pause, notice, choose, practice and step into all our Lord has for you. You are in my prayers right now. Stay tuned, friends; we have more great blogs to wrap up 2024. We are so honored by your trust and confidence. You are precious to us. Warmly, LeAnne
“As parents, we all have moments where we don’t respond the way we want to. The key is learning how to repair the relationship afterward” this is the exact reason I started doing research on conflict resolution with my almost 2 year old. Being a single mom the overstimulation can be hard to deal with so my response to my child would often be met with irritation. I don’t want this to be continue to be a pattern as I’m thinking about his emotional regulation skills and how that can manifest into negative behaviors if MY own behaviors towards my child don’t change. I often think about how my mother raised me and my 4 other siblings at a young age and because she didn’t have established skills certain things affected us as we grew up, I don’t want to continue the generational traumas that exist in my family. Sometimes we model the behavior we grew up around because that’s all we know but i made it mission to do the research to find other ways to approach parenthood being a new mom with no good examples in my life. This article gives me hope that as my son grows I can make conscious decisions on how to problem solve that would positively allow his nervous system to develop in a safe environment. Thank you for helping me this is more important to me than you know. Peace, Love and Light to all <3
Conflict w your children has literally made me feel like this is over – I do everything for a connection and I get nothing nothing. Taught my kids what respect is and honor is. They show it to their dad but won’t for me. He sees it and does not have my back. I hear let it go. Don’t give them the power to hurt you but can’t live like this anymore.