When Your Heart Isn’t Sure: Rebuilding Trust in Your Own Judgment
Morning friend,
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One of the things we often see when a woman has been in an unhealthy or destructive relationship is that she loses trust in her own judgment. Now let me back up a bit. Healthy people do question their judgment at times. No one is perfect, and therefore no one’s judgment is always right. The Bible tells us that we should give careful thought to our ways (Haggai 1:7). However, when healthy people seek outside wisdom or other people’s opinions, they don’t lose trust in their own judgment.
Today’s question comes from that place of lost trust in one’s own ability to know what she already knows is true. Let’s see how she can get some help to break through.
Question: Hey Leslie & Co., I’m wondering what to do in this situation, and I think I need to give some history because I’m having a hard time trusting my own judgment. My husband and I have not had what I would consider a healthy marriage for most, if not all, of our 11 years together. There has been a recurring pattern of jealousy, control, emotional disconnection, and my needs being minimized. He has significant trust issues and becomes jealous about virtually any male in my life.
Six years ago, he became convinced that I cheated on a work trip. I did not. I answered all of his questions about the trip and gave him access to my emails, texts, and phone records. Even after that, the suspicion never really went away. Over the years, I have also given up friendships that were important to me in an effort to reassure him and prove my loyalty. Physical affection has also been a major issue. He says that touch is his love language, but in practice, I often experience it as primarily sexual. Sex is expected almost every day. Physical touch is not my love language, but I have spent years trying to be the submissive wife I thought I was supposed to be, so I usually went along with it even when I didn’t particularly want to. When he wants to show affection, he will grope me, including in front of our children. I have asked him to show affection in nonsexual ways and have specifically asked him not to touch me sexually at certain times. I have also asked for breaks from sex at night. When I do, he may respond by giving me the silent treatment for days.
I have been the primary parent since our children were born. My husband has generally been physically present but emotionally absent. Until recently, he spent a great deal of his free time playing video games. When he is engaged with the family, he can be harsh in the way he communicates and often lacks empathy or emotional connection. Even now, although he has stopped playing video games, he is frequently on his phone. He has become more involved with the children, but it often seems to depend on whether he finds the activity interesting or entertaining.
About a year ago, I finally reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and asked for a separation. His behavior changed almost immediately. He became extremely attentive and affectionate and essentially love-bombed me. Instead of feeling comforting, it felt smothering. After about two months, things gradually returned to the way they had been.
We separated again this past summer for about two months. He lived in a camper in our backyard, but he was still around frequently and continued helping with parenting. Since then, he has stopped playing video games and has finally started counseling. However, he has admitted that he is only going to counseling because of me. He does seem more involved with the kids, and he has made other changes that I can’t honestly deny. That’s part of what makes this so difficult. I have told him that I want a divorce, and I mean it. But I haven’t taken the actual steps toward divorce yet. There is a rental house available next month where I could live with the kids, and part of me feels like I should take it. Instead, I keep wondering: Was our marriage really as unhealthy as I remember it being?
My mom, sister, and counselor all tell me that it was. But my heart isn’t sure. My husband has pointed out all the ways he has changed, and he’s right—he has changed some things. I don’t want to be unfair or pretend that nothing has improved. He’s not a terrible person. He’s also not consistently been a loving, empathetic partner or the kind of father and husband I hoped he would be. I feel like I have spent years adapting myself to keep the peace, proving that I’m trustworthy, giving up friendships, accommodating his expectations, and accepting treatment that didn’t feel good to me. Now that I’m finally willing to leave, he’s making changes, and I’m questioning whether I am giving up too soon. I also struggle with the difference between someone changing because they genuinely understand the harm they’ve caused and someone changing because they are afraid of losing the relationship. I don’t know how to tell the difference.
So my question is: How do I know whether I am remembering our marriage accurately and making the right decision by leaving, versus giving up on a marriage that could actually become healthy now that he is making changes?
And, perhaps more importantly, how do I learn to trust my own judgment when I’ve spent so many years questioning whether my feelings and needs were reasonable? I feel like I’m trying to decide whether I’m leaving a bad marriage or walking away from a marriage that is finally becoming better—and I don’t know how to tell which one it is.
Now that I’m finally willing to leave, he’s making changes, and I’m questioning whether I am giving up too soon. I also struggle with the difference between someone changing because they genuinely understand the harm they’ve caused and someone changing because they are afraid of losing the relationship. I don’t know how to tell the difference.
So my question is: How do I know whether I am remembering our marriage accurately and making the right decision by leaving, versus giving up on a marriage that could actually become healthy now that he is making changes?
And, perhaps more importantly, how do I learn to trust my own judgment
Answer: You asked some good questions that so many women struggle with.
As you’ve described your husband’s actions, they indicate extreme selfishness (sex on demand whether you want to or not, groping your body in ways that make you feel uncomfortable and used), jealousy and insecurity (fearing you’re having an affair, checking your phone, restricting your activities and friendships) and control through punishment (harshness and days of silent treatment). He’s also been emotionally absent, escaping into video games, and essentially functioning like an adolescent with no accountability instead of a grown man. This isn’t normal, marital distress. These are abusive, toxic, destructive patterns. From what you said, your mother, your sister, and your counselor all corroborated what you experienced.
But now you’re saying your heart isn’t sure? Not sure those things ever happened? Or not sure you want a divorce? Not sure his changes are because he truly sees the harm he’s caused and wants to change…or because he doesn’t want you to leave
His changes began only once you told him you told him you were done. That tells you something. All those earlier years, when you were hurting, or said “ouch” or “don’t” or felt scared or exhausted, was he never ashamed of his own selfish, indifferent, or cruel behavior? Was there no internal compass telling him, “You are not acting like the husband, father, and man that you want to be?” It appears that his motivation to change thus far is more external. He fears the consequences of you leaving rather than longing to be a better person.
Yet, you see he is making some changes. Not perfectly, but he’s no longer playing video games, and he’s more invested in parenting than he had been. He’s seeing a counselor and was honest enough to tell you that it was more to appease you than to work on himself. So, kudos that he was self-aware about his motivations and honest enough to tell you. But again, he’s going to the counselor to please you, not to become a better man. This concerns me. His motivation is still looks more external than internal.
You reached your breaking point back when you told him you wanted a separation. You wrote: “I have spent years adapting myself to keep the peace, proving that I’m trustworthy, giving up friendships, accommodating his expectations, and accepting treatment that didn’t feel good to me.” Great self-awareness. Then you decided that divorce was your next right step. But now it seems you’re questioning that decision, and perhaps even questioning your assessment of how toxic it was. Now you’re wondering, should you try again?
Here’s one way to discern the difference between someone who is internally motivated to change and someone who is externally motivated. Watch what happens when he doesn’t get what he wants. For example, how does he handle himself when you say, “No, I’m not ready yet to take divorce off the table.” Or what happens when you tell him you’re going out with a friend or attending a women’s weekend, and you need him to be the parent? Or what do you notice when he’s upset about something? Does he handle himself maturely? Does he take responsibility for managing his feelings and triggers instead of expecting you to stop making him feel that way? And are there any ways you’re still accepting treatment that doesn’t feel good to you (sexually or otherwise) just to keep the peace?
Your bigger question here was “How can I learn to trust my own judgement” For example, you said, “My husband has pointed out all the ways he has changed, and he’s right—he has changed some things. I don’t want to be unfair or pretend that nothing has improved. He’s not a terrible person. He’s also not consistently been a loving, empathetic partner or the kind of father and husband I hoped he would be.”
That tells you something about what you’re noticing. And it’s not telling you that you can’t trust your judgment about your old history, or that some good changes aren’t there. What your judgment is telling you is that both things are true. His changes may be real for now, but they are not enough for you to repair and reconcile the marriage. That’s important information for you to trust. He’s changed in some ways, and he hasn’t changed in other important ways. That’s not being unfair, or pretending nothing has improved, or saying he’s a terrible person. It’s facing reality and trusting what you see and don’t see.
You mentioned the opportunity to move into a rental home and had some mixed feelings. Does moving feel like you’re telling him you’ve finalized your decision to divorce? Or could it simply mean you’re acknowledging that some changes have been made and you’re pressing pause on that decision? Either way it seems one of the things you’re sensing is that you need more time to know what you want and need. And also perhaps more time to see what changes he makes, and whether he truly wants to do the work to become a man you can trust and feel safe with.
Learning to trust your own judgment doesn’t mean you’re always right about everything. It means you trust yourself to know what’s best for you. You trust yourself to honor your own values, even if someone doesn’t like them. It means you don’t get pressured into making decisions you’re not ready to make or into doing something you don’t want to do just to make someone else feel better. And you are a good steward of yourself, not selfishly but wisely, so that you are no longer living for someone’s approval or in fear of their disapproval.
Friend, if you’ve ever lost trust in your own judgment, what steps did you take to rebuild it?
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Wow, spot on, as always, Leslie!
After a lifetime ( I’m in my 60s) of being told that what I experienced didn’t happen, and what I thought, wanted, or felt didn’t matter, ( from a dysfunctional parent to my husband) the steps that have helped me have been:
Journaling. After my H dug through my closet, found my written journal, and weaponized it against me, I started journaling online. Recently I opened a page from 4 years ago…and realized that nothing in my H behavior has changed, regardless of my changes, or how many times I tried to communicate what the healthy relationship that I want requires. If anything, my H behavior continues to get worse as he doubles down in selfishness and destructive choices.
Therapy. I found a good Christian therapist, who very patiently challenged my thought patterns. It became kind of a joke between us…I would say, “ guess what I just figured out!” about something she had been telling me for ages.
Close friends. Only a few, but when you tell a good friend about an experience, a conversation with your H or something that happened, and her eyes get big…I’ve literally asked a friend, “ Is that normal? “ because I questioned my perception and feelings. When one of my Christian friends said, “Hell, no! You don’t need to put up with that! “ I realized that my feelings were realistic and justified. Within the last few months, my H behavior has become so bad that I’m embarrassed to talk about it with even my closest friend…and that tells me something about my marriage.
And close, valuable friends can include even those you never meet IRL…like here at LV & Co.
Thoughtful reading. Reading dependable, reputable online sources and books, to gain perspective, understanding, clarity, and yes, validation and direction.
Time. I never wanted to “ give up on my marriage “. I’ve been married 40 years. But I’ve been actively spending a large proportion of my time over the last 10 years working on myself, my behaviors, my thought processes, becoming more emotionally mature; I’ve communicated to my H ….carefully, gently, respectfully, with empathy….and repeatedly…what a mature, mutual, reciprocal, respectful, and loving relationship is. I carefully edited every note I gave my husband a dozen times. I can honestly say I’ve been patient, caring, empathetic, selfless…possibly too much so.
My H saw a counselor 4 times. He stopped when he showed the counselor one of my letters (my husband doesn’t take in my spoken words) and the counselor said, “That’s really well said.” My H only wanted his perspective validated. He wasn’t interested in making any real changes to himself, or growing in any positive way.
I can now feel that I’ve done enough, for long enough.
Boundaries. Finally understanding what is, and isn’t, my responsibility. No matter how hard I tried, how much responsibility I took on for the marriage and my husband’s choices…I could never be more than 50% of the marriage. For decades I thought it was my responsibility to tolerate his behaviors, manage his emotions, keep the peace, regardless of the harm to myself.
I finally internalized that each adult is 100% responsible for themself…regardless of how many times they try to make you responsible for their dysfunctional beliefs, attitudes, emotions, actions, and behavioral patterns.
My H is responsible for himself. I am responsible for myself. I am no longer trying to be the Stepford wife my H insists I must be in order to stay in the marriage. I am no longer afraid of the “ threat” of divorce. I am strategically planning for my future.
I have never would I have thought that I would be in this similar situations! I’ve been with my husband 5 years and I feel like I have lost my own judgment to please him and to keep peace! I try to leave few times but I am still here! Some days I I wish I can pack and go!
I have been separated for one year, my husband denies that he is an alcoholic, doesn’t want help, yet when he is not drinking, he is one the most wonderful human being you could ever meet, I learned that I cannot change him, but my deepest feelings wanted to help him to take steps because he wanted to for himself. The Lord pulled me away from him because he began to harm me while intoxicated by his actions and behavior I decided to leave and move closer to my children . If your husband is truly committed to change and save his marriage, it will be genuine by repentance and asking for your forgiveness, accept his forgiveness and do as Jesus would do keep walking forward, you are not stuck. I forgave my husband because I was hurt , I did not stay, I was growing away from him, found my purpose in life, and I learning more about who God created . There has to be growth and purpose in a marriage, your children are looking at you, what are you planting in their minds? I am praying that your family stays together but as parents and as wife and husband you too take steps to learn and grow, we all have a lot to learn…this book is not finished
Thank you so much for articulating both the question and the answer. I’ve struggled with a similar situation and it is mind-numbing and it freezes me every single time. Seeing these stories and being able to process it in words in front of me is so helpful and affirming.
Glad you’re finding these responses helpful Jessica.
Wow, this much sums up how I have been feeling. I’ve been married 37 years, separated for six months. My children (his step children that he started helping me raise while they were still young) all want me to go ahead with divorce. My husband didn’t get serious about trying anything to change until I asked him to move out. Even now, I know in my heart there has been too much damage to repair and yet, I question myself all the time. I think back and ask myself was it really that bad, especially when I read other womens’ post who seem to have it much worse than I think I had it. It’s only when I really reflect on all that happened, that I realize how bad it really was and for so very long. Thank you for helping again re-enforce that I can trust myself, that his pleading for me to wait for him to make the changes is not something I’m obligated to honor since he has already had 37 years to step up, and that my decision is my own to make.
I can so relate to this! Unfortunately, it took me nearly 40 years to truly realize I could trust my perceptions and take a stand. A personally huge step for me was just one day getting supernatural clarity that brought a complete change to how I reacted as a victim – instead of disbelief and hurt and crying at the cruelty (though I was justified), I began unemotionally saying ‘nope, I’m not going to remain here for you to rage on me.’ Talk about empowering! I truly believe he was flabbbergasted that the people pleaser he was married to was all of a sudden changing the rules of engagement with no concern how he might react. He’s since shared that in the moment I finally said I’d had enough (though he had threatened leaving me numerous times over the years) he felt violently ill . And in the year since then he’s made efforts with therapy, but I have zero trust that his changes are permament based on how he handles situations where he feels not in control or feels he’s beeen slighted. Some things he’s shared also clearly shows he’s more focused on ‘my faults’ so I’m not hopeful he’ll ever be able to look inward and truly work on himself. Sadly, the cumulative treatment over all those years has crushed any marital love I felt for him. With God’s help, great friendships, an amazing therapist and Leslie’s very helpful book “The Destructive Marriage” I have found incredible strength to currently stay well with boundaries he is respecting and in a way that allows me to fully enjoy our adult children and grandchildren in mutual events, travel, etc. I pray you trust your perceptions and those of the trusted people close to you and that you most of all FULLY realize your worthiness. Believe that you deserve to be treated with goodness and kindness and respect. It’s a game changer!
Glory Be, I’ve also been in a marriage for 40 years. My husband recently said I “ used to be a great wife, at the beginning “.. back when everything was centered around him, his wants, and his fears; before I learned of my worth, gained self respect, and understood boundaries. He only “ loved” the desperate “ people pleaser”. The woman who knows she has a right to her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions, who expects mutual and reciprocal respect and care from someone who says he loves her….is, in his eyes, “ not a good wife”.
My questions for you: Is there something you do that creates a situation where your husband actually respects your boundaries, or is it just a matter of holding steady?
How do you manage travel that’s enjoyable with your husband? Does he show you the care, interest, and respect of a healthy marriage when you travel together?
Or is he more like my husband (who talks about wanting to travel with me, but whenever he feels he’s not getting everything he wants from me, pouts, gives me the silent treatment…or disappears for hours or days. My preferences, even my medical needs, are always second in his eyes.)
I enjoy traveling with friends, my kids, even alone, but the thought of being alone 24/7 , away from home, with someone who I can’t feel close to or even safely share my thoughts, much less feelings with, doesn’t sound like a fun time.
How do you make it work for you?
To clarify re: travel, it now is always with another couple or family members. I, too, can’t imagine having constant one on one time alone with him on a trip. With others along, he only shows the ‘good guy’ side and I can relax and enjoy knowing he’s not going to explode in their company. Re: respecting my boundaries day-to-day, the bottom line is he knows my boundaries are not a bluff and l will end the marriage if he begins the verbal abuse and anger again. That is a huge change from before when I would do anything to avoid what I considered the shame of divorce the many times he threatened to leave me. The new confidence from finally knowing my worth also led me for the first time ever to ‘go public’ with a close friends couple of ours about his behavior and that really shook him. He never dreamed I would expose him to people we both respect and my unusual (at the time) courage clarified the seriousness of my boundaries. Prayers for your situation!
Thank you! Yes, I did plan a family trip, because I knew my H would be on his “ good” behavior around others. I planned an anniversary dinner for our 40th. He gave me the silent treatment in the car on the way there; was engaging and funny during the dinner with friends; silent treatment on the way home; refused to even unwrap the gift I had worked on for months; gave me no gift at all…and told his coworkers he was taking time off because we were “ going on an anniversary trip”. He keeps saying he wants me to travel with him…and never asks why I don’t seem to want that.
I also have lost the fear and shame I used to feel when he threatened divorce.
Thank you for your support, and blessings to you!
I have been in a similar boat and I wonder if part of your hesitation is also a fear that taking care of yourself is wrong or selfish. That you don’t “deserve” to be free of all of this. I did all of the same things you described (adapted yourself to what he wanted, gave up friendships, accommodated his expectations and accepted treatment that did not feel good to you). I wonder if your self-worth needs to be found in Christ. Once I truly set my stake of self-worth there, I could see more clearly. I would start there. And I would take time away.. because actual physical time away from him also helps you see and hear from the Lord more clearly. Take the Rental. God loves you and He will guide you.
I love this response. Both things can be true and an ultimate decision does not have to be made until you’re sure. Also such great wisdom in testing the changes and seeing his reactions when he doesn’t get what he wants or more responsibility or selflessness is asked of him. That’ll give you some more information to consider. I’d also recommend keeping a digital journal as a witness to your heart. How do you feel after interactions with him? How does he respond? The journal has helped me a lot remember the chaos and strain on me when in the “good days”. Not to keep a record of wrongs, but to, like I said, be a witness to yourself and remember situations accurately.
I tend to set things before Jesus and ask Him to give me clarity. Then He uses different ways to give clarity to my thinking or feelings such as LV &Co! The Bible, teachings I listen to or read. Or directly as a sense of hearing Him in my spirit. Praying alone or with others is another excellent way to hear from the Lord. I test the spirits because the enemy can come as an angel of light with lies and half-truths that sound right, but there’s always something off. God longs to speak to us and give us His Truth and His Clarity. Seek Him!
Our hearts go out to this lady. This is most certainly not what God intended marriage between a man and a woman who have experienced the redeeming power of Gods grace in their lives, if indeed they have. We might make an assumption but has this happened in both of their lives? If not then of course without God’s help there is not but a foundation built on sand..
I have a big concern about the both the question “How do I learn to trust my own judgment?” and then the answer “Learning to trust your own judgment doesn’t mean you’re always right about everything. It means you trust yourself to know what’s best for you. …” This sits very uneasy with Prov 3:5&6 and Jer 17:9.
Divorce is also not really addressed here. Are we really going to make it basically that Its just a personal choice? I know there are quite a varying range of view points on this site as what are grounds for divorce, yet it seems like it should be addressed to some degree.
Dear Dale, May I suggest we look at more than one Bible verse…indeed, beyond one of the many truncated verses that have been weaponized to convince women that the brain and heart God has given them must never be used, trusted, or prioritized?
How about looking at the very next verse, Jeremiah 17:10, which says that “ I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.“
There are infinite interpretations of every element of the Bible. My understanding is that God designed EACH of us with the soul, heart, and brain to know Him, know His will, and to make decisions for ourselves.
If we don’t TRUST and believe that God gave us the ability to have understanding, and to think and direct our own life choices,…then who are we trusting to tell us what to think, feel, and do?
If we trust “ others” over our own God-given faculties and knowledge, if we don’t trust ourselves, then by definition, we are not primarily trusting God.
Dale, she wasn’t asking the question about divorce, she was asking a question about judgement and whether can she trust her own perceptions and memories of things when her husband contradicts it or tells her she is not seeing the “good” changes he is making. I agree, our own judgement can’t always be the sole source of truth, and the Bible does warn us not to lean on our own understanding. But on the other hand, the Bible also tells us “the prudent see danger and take refuge” Prov 22:3. So how do we learn to trust our own judgement when we are believers, yielded to God and listening to the Holy Spirit? I think that’s where we trust what God tells us – “I will instruct you and guide you in the way you should go” Psalm 32. We don’t have to live anxiously whether I turn right or left here. We ask God, pray for wisdom which he says he gives anyone who asks James 1, look at what’s happening in the NOW, not the promises, but the actions and behaviors and patterns, and then make wise decisions moving forward. That’s what this woman was questioning and asking. You’re right there is a wide range of viewpoints on divorce right now, and therefore she will have to do her own research, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and make her decision, as she is the one who has to live with the consequences, not you or me. Can you trust that the Holy Spirit is big enough to guide her in what she needs to do for her safety and well-being?
I don’t want to usurp the response Leslie gave. Not at all. But I would like to bring up some thoughts I had as I read the lady’s question.
It is often said that if a person is accusing their spouse of cheating, it’s usually the accuser who is cheating. You gave him access to your phone, etc, but was it reciprocated? You say he’s on his phone a lot. Has he willingly shared what he’s looking at/engrossed in? Or is he just trading one addiction for another?
The concept of love languages is not based on science, so just hold that one lightly. But even if they were based on scientific evidence, touch as a love language means non-sexual. Men who think about sex all the time use this “love language” idea to coerce their wives into giving them more sex. The fact that your husband is demanding it all the time, whether you want it or not, means he doesn’t care at all how you feel. He would rather use your body against your will than respect you. That’s concerning.
Groping is never ok, and especially never in front of the kids. He should know that it is entirely inappropriate. And he DOES know. He just doesn’t care. If he wants sex, he should grab the vacuum and take a load off your shoulders.
As has already been stated, doing therapy just to please you… it’s the same as becoming a Christian. If you do it for someone else, it is not genuine and won’t last. His therapy will not produce good fruit unless he’s doing it because he knows he needs to change.
Take the rental! Let him “do the work” on his own. He will either do it, or he’ll fizzle out after a while. It will be easier for you to see if his changes are real. And the space will help you get stronger in knowing yourself. Trusting yourself.
He shouldn’t have to point out his changes. They should be evident to you. Him pointing them out is his way of saying “I’ve gotten tired of doing the work, when can I stop this nonsense?”
You asking for a separation, then he made changes… this proves that he was capable of doing these things the whole time. “If he wanted to, he would.” It sounds cruel, but this is another indication of his lack of care for you.
Again, I have no desire to overstep. You can take my comments with a grain of salt if you want. But know this, I have experienced some of the things I commented on, and in a Facebook group I’m in, I read these stories all the time, along with advice from therapists who have seen this in their clients’ situations frequently. I pray that you will get stronger, that you will grow in discernment, and that you will have the courage to make the choices that are best for you.
Donna, thank you for your additional comments. That’s why I invite this community to chime in. There is collective wisdom in this group and all perspectives can add value.
Thankyou for sharing your heart and truth, so precious
I believe in the advice to test him in order to see his true colours.
This has been my experience for 45 years, whilst legally married in a Christian church, I have not been loved and treasured like my Father loves me. I have been lied to, gaslit, put down, not permitted many things – like driving ‘his’ car, keys to PO Box, keys to shed and endured his sex addiction.
I have been on a journey for 20 years to work on myself and become independent financially. I was going to leave 15 years ago and thought similar to the above question and was told by church leadership that our marriage could be a lot worse.
In my heart I never felt that any of the changes were from his heart but like the above sister said: and done just to please me.
So I didn’t leave and didn’t test or live in reality but made the best of and put up with what we had.
I did have some boundaries in place and earnestly many times tried to express my feelings to him.
In February my dad passed away, my husband could not show care or support and laughed about that to others. Spending time interstate with family brought me undone as I was faced with the reality of our dysfunctional relationship
I started to see a Christian counsellor who encouraged me to do some things I enjoy doing, so I did and one of the things was to have a tradie fix a toilet that broke mid Dec, was now March. This was one of the many things I was not permitted to do. I knew h would not be happy but I never expected the reaction he had
He s now in jail, awaiting sentencing or trial – his choice which way – for seriously assaulting me
I still have a journey ahead, as do our 5 adult children. I am so thankful for the good friends I have that support me and I am thankful for the teaching here it has helped cement and expand what I know helps me to keep growing into a more stronger godly woman learning to dance a different dance.
Much love, seek the truth it really does set us free! I can read you are so brave to have done what you already have put in place.
Dear Susanna, You are brave and wise and I pray you feel peace and strength as you move forward in freedom and grace.❤️
I felt like I was taking crazy pills. After years of being lied to, given half truths, being manipulated and gaslit I discerned truth by 1) Praying for clarity, discernment, and wisdom. Philippians 1:9-11; Colossians 3:16; Ephesians 1:17 and 4:25. 2) I made a list of TRUTHs.
Not a list of wrongs. I have forgiven. I hold no bitterness or ill will. I have prayed for his well being.
But I needed to live in the truth. So when I listed facts. I could see. I could see the acts of abuse and betrayal. Ignoring them or gutting it out only enabled the evil.
It is with gentleness I confronted. And held to the truth.
Two things can indeed be true. There can be some movement towards change and yet the relationship still can be profoundly unhealthy and misaligned with Gods intention for marriage.
Good luck sister. It is not easy. I pray for your wisdom and peace.
Wow! This could have been written from my own heart. 33 years of enduring this and I am standing face to face with the decision of separating myself from him. And the self doubt is real. Although he has “changed” previously, he falls right back into his old ways, and has even admitted to “changing” for the wrong reason. Not only does he not demonstrates any desire to change his ways, he has expressed as much.
I have stopped trying to talk with him concerning anything except the necessary daily routine things because I can’t get a full thought out before I’m interrupted and contradicted. I believe I have full clarity on making the decision to walk away, I even believe that I’ve had confirmation from multiple avenues, yet I struggle to trust my ability to make a sound judgement.
The anxiety and grief is great, but I am trying to trust fully that God will pave the way.
Thank you LV & Co for what you do.
I am shattered. I haven’t slept in weeks, maybe months. I have been married 19 years. My husband hid his pornography and “acting out” habit for our entire marriage. I’ve found it multiple times, but didn’t understand the gravity of the situation until a few months ago. Since then, my yes have been opened to his gaslighting, coercion, and emotional abuse. I make hard turns in my mind between “this is real” and “it’s probably not that bad.” My counselor and pastor have told me that it *is* that bad, and I should leave. But with two kids and pets and no financial independence, it feels impossible. I had a breakdown last night and almost took myself to a psychiatric facility just to get some rest and stop the intense anxiety and physical symptoms of trauma. And, yet, as I write this, I wonder, “am
I just among a big deal out of this?”
He’s never hit me, but he has yelled at me and belittled me.
He is “changing” now, but his core personality traits are still there- no emotional connection with our children, becoming frustrated and defensive easily, deflecting blame and minimizing things, acting like he doesn’t know why I am so hurt and upset. I had actually decided to leave, but he pulled me back in. I feel trapped. Like I am in a spiral and I can’t get out. I can not believe this is my reality.
Looking for peace: I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. But you’ve seen with your own eyes that your hsuband is not to be trusted. This is real and it is serious. So what do you need to do to prepare yourself to leave if it comes to that? You are a grown, capable, adult woman who I’m sure has some skills, gifts, abilities, and talents that you can use in the workforce. What are they? WHo do you know who you can network with? What courses do you need to take to brush up on computer skills or AI stuff, or whatever you need to do to KNOW that you can take care of your own self if your marriage doesn’t make it. When you keep your dependence on him and him changing you will always live in fear, dread and anger. That isn’t what God wants for you. IT’s tempting to minimize his problem because to face it head on means YOU will have to change. You will have to stop pretending it’s not that bad, or that he will change, or that your marriage will survive. It is that bad and this is your reality. And many women have gotten through it and you can do, but only when you face it instead of running from it. You have support here. You can do it. You will get through this and even get stronger because of it.
Thank you for replying. You’re right; it’s hard to face reality. I am scared of the future, but I know God is not going to forsake me. Reading your words helps me grasp the truth: I am capable. I have skills and abilities. I can make it. Yes, it will mean change… drastic change.
That’s where the paralyzing sets in. I have consulted with a divorce attorney twice, but have yet to file paperwork. I know I will never find acceptance and love from anyone until I find it in God and within myself. I pray the Lord helps me. I have the brain knowledge that I am in a destructive marriage, but accepting my husband as the man he has shown me to be rather than the man I thought he was (or so desperately wanted him to be) has proven extremely difficult. Maybe this is one of those situations where I step out onto the water, fix my eyes, and walk… knowing that what is unknown to me is not unknown to God.
Thank you for the resources and wisdom you have made available on your site and blog.
Today, I was clear-headed and able to function (about 65%). I plan to stay off of social media, stay away from “AI mode” on google, and start accepting reality… as hurtful as it is. Please pray for me.
I will pray for you. Sounds like some good next right steps. And as you walk in those next right steps, the path will continue to get clearer (Psalm 32:8)