Navigating Emotional Detachment: Is It Healthy to Hold On?
Hello, Dear Ones! I love March—it’s the only month with a built-in command: move! Something about this time of year stirs momentum, calling us out of the stillness of winter and into new rhythms, clarity, and steps forward. The days grow longer, the world starts waking up, and maybe—just maybe—it’s time for us to do the same. Whether it’s a physical shift, an emotional breakthrough, or simply a quiet decision to let go of what’s been holding us back, March reminds us that movement is necessary and purpose is possible. So as we step into this season of change, let’s talk about a movement that’s often the hardest of all: detachment. How do we know when it’s time to let go? And how do we do it in a way that feels healthy, freeing, and aligned with who we are becoming? Let’s dive in.
This Week's Question:
How can we discern if our detachments are healthy and valid? I have found one of the hardest parts of divorcing my ex-husband is emotionally detaching from the potential I saw and the man I know he is deep inside. Although his behavior and choices warrant strong boundaries on my behalf (minimal contact and divorce), how do I still allow myself to love him, or at least honor those feelings I still have? Do I just grieve and call it a loss or is there room that I allow inside of me to still have some level of attachment and/or compassion/care/love?
LeAnne’s Response:
Letting go of someone we once loved—especially when we saw their potential—is complicated. Even when their actions show us that we need to step back, it’s natural to still hold onto hope, memories, or the idea of who they could have been.
But detachment doesn’t mean we stop caring. It doesn’t mean we erase love or deny the impact this relationship had on us. Instead, healthy detachment shifts us from holding onto “what could have been” to accepting “what is”—and finding peace in that reality.
At its core, detachment is not just about leaving a relationship—it’s about healing from it. If you’ve experienced betrayal, manipulation, or deep disappointment, it’s understandable to feel torn between love and self-protection. But you can honor your emotions without staying emotionally tied to someone who continues to hurt you.
How Can We Discern If Our Detachment Is Healthy?
Detachment becomes unhealthy when it is driven by avoidance, denial, or fear of facing loss. It becomes healthy when it aligns with self-respect, emotional clarity, and acceptance of reality.
Friend, here are some guiding questions to ask yourself:
- Am I detaching to protect my well-being, or am I avoiding painful emotions?
- Am I stepping back in wisdom, or am I secretly hoping my absence will make him change?
- Does my detachment bring me peace and clarity, or does it leave me feeling stuck in guilt and longing?
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
Proverbs 22:3
Recognizing when a relationship is harmful and choosing to step back is an act of wisdom, not weakness. Staying in patterns that continually bring harm or disappointment keeps us trapped in cycles we are not meant to live in.
Can I Still Love Him While Holding Strong Boundaries?
Yes, but love must be redefined. Many struggle with detaching because they equate love with staying connected. But true love—healthy love—does not require continued emotional entanglement.
- You can love someone without being in a relationship with them.
- You can care about their well-being without staying emotionally invested.
- You can honor the good in your history without sacrificing your future.
Love does not mean tolerating harmful behavior or waiting for someone to become who they were meant to be. It’s okay to acknowledge the love you have while also accepting that their choices have made a healthy relationship impossible.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23
Guarding your heart doesn’t mean shutting down or becoming bitter—it means protecting your emotional and spiritual well-being from cycles that drain and harm you.
Do I Just Grieve and Call It a Loss? Or Is There Room for Some Level of Attachment?
Grieving is necessary, but grief does not mean we must remain emotionally attached.
What we often grieve most is not just the person—it’s the dream we had with them, the hope that things could have been different. That loss deserves to be acknowledged. But holding onto emotional ties in the hopes that they might change can keep us stuck.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”
Isaiah 43:18-19
Letting go allows us to make space for healing, peace, and new possibilities.
Today's post is inspired by the honest and heartfelt conversations I’ve had with so many of you in this community. Your courage in navigating detachment, healing, and growth is what makes this space so meaningful. Much of my perspective has been shaped by both lived experience and the wisdom of those who have walked this journey before us—voices like Leslie’s, who teaches about boundaries with grace, and Lysa TerKeurst, who reminds us that sometimes ‘goodbye is a gift.’ But most of all, this is rooted in biblical truth—because God is a God of wisdom, peace, and forward movement. He doesn’t ask us to stay stuck; He invites us to trust Him as we step forward.
So, to anyone who has ever wrestled with letting go—who has felt the tension between love and self-respect, between grief and freedom—this is for you. You are not alone, and your healing matters. Let’s March…
If you’re struggling to fully let go, give yourself grace. Detachment isn’t instant—it’s a journey. Some days will feel easier than others. But God isn’t rushing you—He is walking with you.
Take a moment to reflect:
- What emotional attachments are still holding me back?
- What small steps can I take to release them, and step into greater peace?
- What do I need to surrender to God so that He can bring healing where I feel stuck?
Whether it’s journaling, seeking wise counsel, or simply praying for strength, know that detachment is a journey—and you don’t have to walk it alone.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
You are not walking away alone. God is near, guiding you, healing you, and leading you toward wholeness.
You don’t have to force yourself to stop caring, but you can choose a new way to love—one that doesn’t keep you bound to the past.
- You can honor the love you had without remaining emotionally attached to someone who is not capable of loving you well.
- You can release him without bitterness, but with wisdom.
- You can grieve what was while embracing what is ahead for you.
- You can love the man he is, praying God wakes him up to his complacency and sin rather than protecting or enabling his dysfunction to continue to harm you.
Biblical love is not about absorbing someone else’s emotions, proving yourself, or tolerating dysfunction—it’s about standing in truth, setting wise boundaries, and choosing peace. Love can be patient, but it is not permissive. It can be compassionate, but it does not enable harm. Right now, loving well might look like releasing the need to manage his moods, protecting your own emotional well-being, and trusting that real love is rooted in truth, not turmoil. You can care without carrying, and you can love without losing yourself.
True detachment isn’t about forgetting—it’s about freeing yourself to fully live, grow, and heal.
Letting go isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself.
Friends, what has helped you the most in learning to detach in a healthy way? If you're still in the process, what is one small step you feel ready to take today?
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Wow, this post is anointed. The scriptures provided are so right on target and very prophetic!! God bless you!
Thank you so much! This was very helpful . I needed something to help me through this season and your verses match mine to the point so yes this message is anointed!!
Praise God and grateful for your words of wisdom and love!
Amen and Amen. I have experienced these truths. The other side can be full of joy and contentment. The longer you hold on, the longer healing is delayed. Many women my age are looking back 15 years after the divorce and regretting staying as long as we did now that our children are adults with children of their own. Consider that carefully- our children are watching what we accept and what we put off until later. Our responsibility is to protect them, even when that means walking away from something that ‘could be good’. Separation is not an end, it’s a beginning . Beginning of a change in us, maybe a change in our spouse, and certainly for children who are experiencing destructive patterns at home. Separation doesn’t always lead to divorce. Take that first step if you need to. Pray for discernment on needs over desires.
Leslie thank you so much for your work. I will be divorced 3 years in November. Every time I think I am done with bitterness or grief, I get a text or see a picture and then I know it is still there the but as you said this is not instant but a journey. Thanks to all the ladies who do the videos. I am so very grateful for the healing wisdom all of you have given to me. And I pray for you and the ladies you are serving. Melody
Thank you for this question , it is so relatable, i am in the middle of this detaching proces, one day in mourning, another day feeling strong and the next with feelings of guilt. Since i let it all go, even though we are still in the same house, i do see change and the aggression of my husband seems to become less. It confronts me with my reality: i do not ever want to be close to him, even not when he changes somewhat. So the struggle inside about being justified by his behaviour now changed to the reality of my own heart, that has closed this chapter, but the practical side of leaving is still such a challenge. Thank you for all this, makes me know i am not alone. God bless, greetings from The Netherlands.
Thank you, LeAnne! This was timely. I am navigating staying well, but not aligning myself with unhealthy behavior. It can be tricky to be present with someone and not have his behavior represent who you are. I’m trusting the Lord and appreciating how He ministers through you.
Susan,
I too am staying well and find LeAnn’s words a life-line.
Praying for you,
Tammy
I love and appreciate this question! Very well said LeAnne. Wish there were more questions/testimonies/experiences like this on “the other side” of what to do or ponder once you have seen the destruction, grown wiser, become stronger, and made the hard choice to choose self well-being over spotty or potential love. Thank you for addressing this. Bless you all.
For me, a physical move to a new city was the ticket for finally emotiionally detaching. We stayed friends after the divorce, and helped each other and cared about each other. AND I didn’t move on. And then it happened:) A physical move to a new house and new church and new single girlfriends is what finally got me to a heallthy place. Like LeaAnne said, “March!” In obedience if not in courage at first, and then each day will become less hard.. A dear friend told me ” What we focus on becomes large.” Focus on our heavenly father. to provide the love and protection we crave.
“Now to him who is able to do exceedlingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” Ephesians 3:20
Carin-One more important thing: When I was coaching with Leslie over 12 years ago about my ‘stuck’ state after divorce, she asked me to do something that I think was the single most helpful ‘counseling tool’ that helped me move forward, She asked me to write a letter from my FUTURE SELF to my current self describing where I was and what I was doing. The tide started to change after that day that I sat in a calm, pretty place outside for an afternoon and wrote that letter to myself. It is remarkable how where I am today and what my life looks like is perfectly in line with that letter. I had to ‘see it’ to get there. Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud was also very impactful. Had read all the Boundaries books and I think they helped me stay alive throughout the marriage- Necessary Endings helped me emotionally detach and begin to learn to.thrive.
Thank you Sue! I appreciate the helpful things that helped you, and for your suggestions. Some very wise words. So happy to hear your current life is thriving!
Such an affirmation of the truth that I needed to hear put down in word form. I’m going to refer to this article again and again because it is like balm to my heart. Thank you so much.
Leanne,
Thank you for the solid guidelines to help, after betrayal, to navigate through conflicting emotions toward a healthy, balanced way of living and being .
Rose
That answer is very wise and helpful and I will read it more times. However, I struggle with letting go as a christian. As I believe that God is all-powerful, its hard to accept the reality as it is seen as faith in the Bible is described in Hebrews 11:1 NLT:
[1] Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we can not seen. Can you help me with the right understanding here as I hold on to hope too much and full letting go seems to be impossible.
Blessings.
Ewa
Yes, Ewa, God is all-powerful, but He also limits Himself to man’s cooperation. He will not violate man’s free will, no matter how hard we pray. The best we can do is to pray that the Lord will work in the person’s environment to bring him to a place where he is willing to change and will ask God for help. But after such a prayer, we need to “let go and let God” do His work. As many here have said, even if he says he is a changed man, you can’t necessarily trust that, and time is the best revealer of that. As a Christian, we “let go” by committing that person, even our children, into the Lord’s hands, then follow His leading as He directs our steps. We don’t know what will happen, but we keep our eyes on Him, trusting His loving care to work out all things according to the counsel of His will. That is what “walking by faith, not by sight” really is. We hope for God’s perfect will for our lives, but we don’t always know what that is, until it gets revealed in time.
I too am choosing to stay well. Learning how to detach has been so hard but Leanne has put it all in words so well. The questions to discern healthy and unhealthy detachment were so helpful. Thank you!! Please Holy Spirit bring the discernment.
I think that the love we feel toward them is actually love for the person we thought he was (or could be), much like the grief after a miscarriage. We actually didn’t love a baby whose character we knew, we loved who we dreamed they would be.
What gets me through also is recognizing counterfeits. When confronted with something they have done, I usually got, “But YOU did it too!” I pondered that, because it sounded right at first. The silent treatment. Being sneaky. Criticizing. Yes, it looked similar, what I was doing. But, he does it from malice, to see the hurt in my eyes, to control me. When I do a similar thing, it’s not any of those things, but for my own safety from HIS hurt. So, it’s actually the opposite.
Another thing that helped me is understanding trauma bonds. Stalin was asked by some American politicians, how he got the people to follow him. He picked up a chicken, plucked out its feathers, set it down, and threw a few crumbs down. The chicken followed him around after that. That is why what our abusers do to us is called breadcrumbing. We’ve been beaten down to where a crumb makes us thankful, and we’ve settled for that, and think we actually love him. We’re grieving a bread crumb. It will take some time of eating actual food (from Jesus, ourselves and others) to let go more and more. Jesus loved his enemies by publicly exposing their evil. Col. 2:15
Leanne
Your post was the gift I needed. Divorced a year next week, I have struggled with letting go and detaching. I sometimes feel embarrassed that it’s a struggle because many women are relieved once divorce is final. Your post gave me the freedom to feel my feelings and great suggestions and wisdom on how to continue navigating it. I love how you do it with meaningful Scripture too. Lately, Isaiah 43:18-19 has been a verse I remind myself of often Thanks again for your post and all you and the others do at Leslie and Co:)
I needed this today. I am leaving tomorrow. I am choosing healthy and myself and my child. I love the part about I’m not leaving alone, I’ve got God. It’s been years of emotionally destructive behavior and I set my boundaries and he said they were garbage and didn’t care. We have to do things his way or that’s it. Thank you and I could really use some prayers.
Praying for you, Laura! The God who has brought you safely thus far will lead you on! Stay encouraged, and keep putting one foot in front of the other … in faith. God will meet you. Peace …
Thank you for this timely message and all of you sharing. I am in the thick of all of this…pain, hurt, discernment, strength and guilt. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference…God bless you all!
Thank you all so much for sharing your hearts, stories. love for the Lord and healing with us here in this space. You are loved and supported!
Coach LeAnne
Needed to hear all of this. Thank you for sharing. The last paragraph on “biblical love” was really helpful to read
Emotional detachment can be one of the most difficult parts of moving forward after divorce. Recognising emotions, establishing healthy boundaries, and gradually creating a new routine can help people regain confidence and develop a healthier outlook.