My Husband is Stuck in Victim Mindset and is Draining Me
Morning friend,
Let me ask you a question that I’ve been pondering this week. Are you living each day doing what you want, or what someone else requires or wants? For example, if you want to spend time reading, or doing art, or taking a walk, do you do it? Or do you tend to defer to what other people want/need from you? There’s a time and place to serve. But is there also a time and place for you to refresh yourself? Let me know what you think.
Today’s Question: My husband is chronically complaining and often in a bad mood. He finds something wrong with everything and frequently has a pity party for himself. I don’t know how to help him or even how to live with him in a godly way. I don’t want him to ruin our family life for our children. What can I do?
Answer. It is extremely difficult to live with a negative person. I call it victim mindset. People with victim mindset aren’t necessarily victims of anything horrible, (although they can be) but habitually blame everything but themselves for how they feel and the actions they take or don’t take.
Often men who are negative are clinically depressed have this tendency, and I hope you have checked out that possibility with a professional. However, some folks are just habitually negative and don’t understand how miserable they make themselves as well as the toxic effect they have on others. Bad moods and negative attitudes are contagious like COVID and you will need to do some things to protect yourself and your children from catching it.
But you asked if there is something you can do to help him? The answer is yes and no. Yes, you can help him if he wants help with his negativity and sees it as his problem. No, if he is locked into victim mindset. This kind of person will never see anything as his problem to fix or solve and blames you or the universe for everything that doesn’t go the way he thinks it should.
You might try talking with him about his negativity, but I suspect you’ve tried that already with more negative results. We all are somewhat blind to our shortcomings, and this is true for a negative person as well. [Tweet “You can’t change something you choose not to see.”]
However, another approach would be to help him see what his negative outlook costs him. When someone is chronically negative they are miserable, but what the negative person doesn’t grasp is that the external problem – his job, the weather, or traffic, or his childhood, or nasty neighbors, is not the main problem. Rather, it’s his internal attitude. It’s the way he habitually thinks about life and responds when he doesn’t get what he wants or what he feels he deserves. [Tweet “When nothing is right on the inside, then nothing can be right on the outside.”]
No one thinks or feels positively in every situation nor is it always beneficial to do so. But what our mind and emotions habitually dwell on directly affects our mood, our attitude and our behavior. When we regularly brood on things that we don’t like or that are wrong, painful, negative or hurtful, we can’t feel happy. It’s impossible. The psalmist cried out, “My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught” (Psalm 55:2).
Constantly complaining and comparing one’s lot in life to others more fortunate causes us to feel upset and unhappy. God has hardwired our thoughts to be influenced by our feelings and our emotions are directly impacted by the thoughts we think. Dallas Willard, in his excellent book on spiritual formation, Renovation of the Heart said, “If we allow certain negative thoughts to obsess us, then their associated feelings can enslave and blind us—that is, take over our ability to think and perceive.”
It’s important that you don’t take responsibility for his feelings or cater to his bad moods. That will reinforce his belief that you’re responsible to make him happy or fix his life, which of course is impossible.
When he vomits his negativity on you, do your best to shake it off as quickly as possible. Don’t retaliate. Don’t brood. And don’t get caught in your own pity party because you’re married to this kind of man. Distance yourself from him when he’s in this state so there is no secondary gain for him. Do something positive for yourself and the children (if they live at home with you).
When something fun comes up, if he doesn’t want to participate do it without him. By doing this, you are living your life instead of trying to get him to live his. You’re respecting his choice, but you’re also making a conscious choice to steward your emotions and not catch his bad mood. That’s not disloyal or unloving, that’s good stewardship of you. Just like if your husband had COVID-19 you’d wear a mask and gloves and sleep in a different bedroom so hopefully you would not catch it too.
By choosing differently even in the same circumstances, you are modeling to him that you do have choices to make. You can make lemons out of lemonade and you refuse to collude with his own victim mindset. That may not affect him but it will help you not be infected by his negativity. And if you find yourself sinking into his negative pit, get some professional help for yourself.
Friend, how do you protect your own heart and mind when you’re around a negative person?
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Something I didn’t realize for a very long time is that it’s also ok to set a boundary: “We are going to the zoo today. I would love for you to join us if you can stay positive and be pleasant. If you feel too grumpy to be able to make that promise, I will take the kids there on my own.”
Now that’s a healthy boundary. I can tell you’ve done your work. Way to go!
Thanks. It took way too long. My kids were too old for zoo outings by the time I finally learned.
I’m sorry about that, but I hope that by now you can go out for a cup of coffee with a friend without him shaming you for it. Good boundaries are vital in any relationship.
I need to speak to someone about an incident and I gave it over to God, I have apologized many times
, my husband on the other hand just apologized when I came across this thing and now he blames me for what he did, I took responsibility for what I did but he say I make as if everything is okay and I don’t acknowledge what I did, he calls me evil and manipulative and sick just because I’m quiet and don’t wanna stir arguments or disagreements, I can not change what has happened but I’m so remorseful for it, what more can I do now I’m lost, I sit home everyday doing what I’m suppose to be doing while his in and outing as he pleases all the time,I take care of the kids and everything in and around the house ,he takes care of the financials because I’m an at home wife sue to him not wanting me to work,I need help please
I didn’t learn boundaries early and I am aware of them now but this takes practice. I have never met anyone like this before my husband and it was too late. I committed and I take marriage very seriously. We have been married 21 years. Looking back I see that we have all gone through emotional abuse and trauma. It is so hard to set boundaries and to communicate in order to protect the kids. If I can could do it over. I would have not married him, there were red flags. I would have divorced him after 1 kid. My kids are now 21, 18, and 14. Our kids all harbor some resentment. There have been some good times. He can be very loving but then cycles through the victim mentality when things don’t work out his way. He criticizes the kids when they aren’t acting in a way he approves or tries to make them feel guilty. I am contemplating ending our marriage . But I would rather learn to live with set boundaries and not allow him to bother me. However I really want to be a good example to my girls and son. I don’t know what the best course of action is. Then I also want to know for those that figured out boundaries and were able to shield their kids, how can you be intimate with someone that is so emotionally manipulative? I have so much on my mind that I could probably keep writing and not make any sense. So I will quit now and at least I have found some relief in putting some of my concerns here. Any advice will be well received.
Molina, I wonder if you have gotten some coaching or counseling to help you learn how to set effective boundaries. Your boundaries are not about stopping or changing him, it’s about stewarding and protecting yourself and your kids. For example, “when I sense you are crossing the line with the children, I will not stay silent. I will speak up.” Or, “I do not want to be intimate with you. Our relationshp does not feel safe and loving to me.” Those are ways you take care of you or protect your children. But you have to not only learn how to have boundaries, speak them clearly, but also follow through with the results. Especially if he continues to disrespect your boundaries. Then what? Maybe that is a sign you cannot stay well. Hope that is helpful.
I am having the exact same problem. I am not sure I can handle to be intimate with someone who is so ready to be cruel to me and our children.
I am going through exactly this at the moment, married for 7 years been with him for 12. He is ill mentally and suffers with depression but ge has broken me down with his victim mindset. I ended our marriage 2 weeks ago and now all of the pressure i used to have has been put onto every single other person we know. He calls them for ‘support’ constantly. It’s not support he wants pity. I live him and care for him dearly but for my own sake and my children’s’ sake i had to end it. Every significant thing that has ever happened to me i have done alone, no support from him, actually ended up supporting him through these things instead. When you make the break you realise how easy life is as you’ve already been doing it alone anyway! I want him to do well for himself so i’m hoping eventually he can do this, you have to be cruel to be kind, as an adult man he needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet without the crutches of his family, children, wife, friends. I wish you well and hope you can begin enjoying your life as comfortable isn’t always happy x
Your comment…is exactly how I feel and what I’m going through. The only difference is, my kids are younger than yours, oldest is 14 and youngest is 3. There’s so much I can relate to.
Hello Johanna
So sorry you are going thru this. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and sadly i tell you if he don’t want to change or go to therapy it will never change.I’ll be leaving my husband in a few months just getting my things in order. we are strong at the beginning but in a few years you will notice big problems with your mental and physical health. It’s not worth it . Gets worse and worse. God bless you and your family.
I feel the same way. My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 16, with two kids: 8/5. He is so negative, about every single thing, and he constantly blames me for things I did when we were 17. 17!!!!!!!!! He is disrespectful, yet I’m not allowed to get a word in. Yesterday was the death anniversary of my mom. She died 14 years ago. I told him that I was out of sorts and didn’t really feel like myself because I am sad. He turned it on me and said I broke HIS heart by feeling that way. Like somehow i prefer feeling sadness for my dead mother. It never seems to end. Now he’s blown a gasket and it’s my fault for being disrespectful. But he can’t tell me how I’ve been disrespectful, except my shitty attitude when we were 17. God help me. I feel like I’m drowning.
I am in a somewhat similar situation, maybe a whole lot messier, but I won’t get into where my marriage has gone. Let me tell you a different perspective to consider. In any argument or pain there is a “victim”. In most cases, the “victim” isn’t just one person. Both people in a marriage are the “victim” in any disagreement. If you ask my wife, I have the “victim” mentality, but if you ask me so does she. What you are talking about is a lack of boundaries and communication. I am just as guilty if I stay silent and don’t set boundaries yet play the “victim”. Consider that he is a silent “victim”. I have for years taken a beating (my own fault) not setting boundaries and having my wife’s BS dumped on me daily. I really think you might need to step back and look from the other side.
I started my divorce, I made some pretty big mistakes, my wife cheated, I cheated, everyone is a victim at some point. You coming here calling him a victim, makes him a victim. I’m not attacking you, just trying to get you to see perspective. You are leaning on complete strangers, who could never know your situation. You don’t even truly know your whole situation. It would be next to impossible to understand where he is coming from in all of this. Especially when you just say he victimizes himself. He’s your husband. You should know how he feels, or at the very least learn to communicate it with him. He should also learn how you feel and learn how to communicate it with you.
I don’t want to get divorced, but I feel like it’s going to happen. Do you know why I don’t want to get divorced? Because I don’t want to bring these wounds to another relationship. I don’t want to hurt another person. I have a LOT invested in my wife and my family. Many days I hate her, but I hate her because it kills me seeing how miserable she is with me. I hate me, not her. I want to be better for her.
Go to the counseling, if not for him, for all of you. Make him be a part of it. If not for you, for all of you.
Regardless of the path, your whole family is going to have to heal. Healing together is infinitely easier than healing alone. I hate having these conversations, my life was “great”. You don’t have to “fix” your marriage, but you can start from a new place.
At the end of the day, we are people, we have red flags and issues. We need other people to fix those wounds. That is human nature. Take a breath, talk, and listen.
I wish you and your family well.
P.S. – I know it sounds preachy, but this time last year I was your husband, and part of you. I sucked as a husband, a Dad, a friend, etc. I am trying to be a better person. BUT all of that took me finding my flaws and accepting them. If I did not do that, I would still be on that path living my “great” life.
Devil’s advocate: You said said some important things here. But the most important was your last paragraph. “I am trying to be a better person. BUT all of that took me finding my flaws and accepting them.” In those two sentences you moved out of “victim” role and moved into taking responsibility both for your flaws and your future character, instead of blaming someone else. “Making someone go to counseling – as you suggested – won’t help if he does not want to “see” himself clearly, wont’ listen to feedback and won’t do his own internal work.
Your marriage is so much like mine, even the age of the children. Wow. Im so sorry. I have the same regrets and wish the same things. The primary differences are we’ve only been together 12 yrs and the kids are not biologically his. I take care of the financials with my income, and he plays with his, but he still has us drowning in debt. He would destroy everything I’ve tried to secure for my children when I die. I worry what he’ll do when I do die and my eldest is now the beneficiary of life insurance, without his knowledge. I am trying to figure out the rest.
I understand you completely. I’m in the same boat as you and I admire your desire to learn and find ways to make it work. I’m also trying to make it work, but after any interaction with my husband, I hate myself for letting him treat me like he does. Our kids see it and it’s so unhealthy. I would never want my daughters to stay in such a horrible relationship so I have to ask myself why it’s ok for me to endure it. I’ve tried everything and it just keeps going downhill.
I feel you. As an adult child of a father like this , I would say if this does affect your children negatively , than maybe divorcing him would be better.
I don’t know. I know we were happier when my parents divorced . Until we realized the woman who encouraged my mom to divorce so she could move in and be a roommate turned out to be completely crazy …but as soon as my mom got her out we had good times.. but it’s really hard financially and I wish looking back I had known all that because I would have given my mom my paychecks 🙁
I am in the exact same boat! I’m curious what you ended up doing? Daughter’s are 15 and 16 but this is becoming too much for me to handle!
I just stumbled across your post and it was like I wrote it myself (right down to the ages and genders in my kids.). I am really stuck and don’t know what to do. What did you end up doing?
I know exactly how you feel. I also haven’t learned how to set boundaries. Also have issues with intimacy.
Why does he get to do this? Especially if you have kids to take care of ?seems like you give the negative person all the power w
Thank you… 12 years of whining
I am going through the same thing. But i feel ruined. I am struggling to stay happy and positive. Especially when he is around. I’ve lost my attraction for him and am now finding it difficult to even be nice to him. He’s not a bad person. Just soooo negative and is so clueless to everything around him.
Hi Kathy
I have a horrid situation at home. I am 54 years old and been married for 30yrs. I can not be intimate with my husband as his laziness and self pity are a complete turn off. My husband says the lack of intimacy and my dislike of him are the reason he is lazy, depressed , unmotivated and he denies his self pity. It’s a catch 22 situation.
Any advice for me, at the moment I try ignore him and I can’t discuss anything as everything is my fault.
Thank you Linda.
I am in a similar situation. I am 53 and have been married for 19 years. My husband is lazy and uninterested in doing anything besides sitting in his recliner or lying on the sofa. He said he is unmotivated to do anything kind for me and our son because he just doesn’t care anymore. He says I’m controlling and blames everything on me, including why our son doesn’t show much respect toward him. He says it’s my fault because our son sees how I treat him, so he thinks it’s ok to joke around and be disrespectful. He says he’s been unhappy for years and is only sticking around for our son who clearly sees him lying around or being angry all the time. He has withdrawn from friends and family and says he hates people, making it so difficult for us to socialize (so we mostly don’t). I also try to carry on and pretend everything is ok, but I know I’m suppressing a lot of pain and shame that this is the life I’m living.
My guess is your husband is experiencing some depression and you might suggest he talk with his doctor. He has a lot of the signs.
The best of avoice I can give you is this My husband walked away from my family unit after 25 years for a text message when we were on holiday and it was horrible the most cruelest way to leave someone. You can’t change what happened to them in their past, but as I say you can always change your future. So I always try to make the future look bright, happy and cheerful. But it wasn’t enough. He was still stuck in his miserable toxic situation that he’s accumulated within his mind. He resorts to alcohol, drugs and even cheating sex. You can’t change these people. If they’re going to do what they’re going to do they’re going to do it anyway. But now I can sit back and I can enjoy the peace and the quiet of the Carnage that he left behind. And now I can move on with my life and my daughter’s life because he decided to throw the relationship away like an old sock. I’ve had to start all over again from zero but now I would never put myself in a situation like that again. Just keep going forward. That’s the best advice I can give you
This is terrible advice. From someone who is actually in this current situation, I know for a fact you cant just will it away by doing your own thing. Its so easy to say “dont let his negativity effect you and still go and do the thing you wanted to do” this will cause a fight far worse in my experience. If you get stuck in this situation, i see 2 options, 1, you might as well get a divorce or 2, suck it up and be unhappy for the rest of your life and be okay with it. Victim mindset doesnt change. And if you try to change it in this way, youre setting yourself up for much more to deal with than just the immediate situation. You think someone who already plays victim is just gonna let his wife go off and do something she wants because it makes her happy ? Pfft. If what you want to do is worth the fight youll have once you get back, then i guess. But most of the time its not, so we just choose to not do the thing because its never worth the fight. This is where you decide if you love your husband enough to deal with his victim mindset for the rest of your entire life, or if happiness and freedom from it is what you want. But by all means, dont take this advice unless you plan on leaving the marriage eventually. If you plan on staying, theres more effective practices than just doing what you want anyways. Professional help and communication.
How can a spouse survive and be happy in a relationship like this? I feel stuck.
I am going thru the same thing. This whole article is so on point with my situation…. Like I feel so unloved. This man even has my phone controlled and he is so mentally abusive and blames everything on me…. I’ve had an eight year relationship before this one and me and that man never fought… This one we fight daily and I am a quiet person, but I am one who stands up for what’s right. My partner has me so distraught and heartbroken everyday. I never met someone who is the victim and hero to every single one of his stories….until him. Sadly we have a child together and I swore at 38 this was my last chance. He has even put his hands on me. He has my phone controlled so he can see everything I do. Control of my camera out front of my house. One night things got physical and my 13 year old called the police. Well the next day won’t ya know my washer and dishwasher broke. And I had to do laundry at the laundry mat for a month before he got it fixed. When I wanted to go back to work from child leave. He sabotaged my car because he don’t want me to be independent like I have always been; until he came into my life .. I feel so out of control of what I want and makes sure im stuck here…but will never admit it … I have no support system and i don’t know my options because I am imprisoned by him.
You are not alone. I am currently going through almost the exact same situation as you. My boyfriend works from home and makes all of the money. I did have a good job before him and during our relationship as a pharmacy tech. I’ve been doing this job for over 4 years and I was making good money. He thought I was having an affair with my boss which was never true. He showed up at my job and threatened my boss (even though , again there was NOTHING ever even close to what he thought. I swore on everything trying to convince him that I was being truthful but he said nothing I said meant anything because of his last relationship and how she said the same things?! So, he made me lose my job. Now, my “job” is to be a full time house wife. I am more exhausted now than I was when I was working. He is home 24/7 because he works from home. I get no time to myself, every single morning if I sleep passed 9am he wakes me up and doesn’t leave me alone until I wake up. He has a tantrum literally every single morning usually about something that I did or didn’t do. He doesn’t notice just how hard I work every damn day to clean up after 2 dogs, 2 cats, a parrot and we have chickens that again I am the only one who cleans up after the animals and him. He yells at me, calls me names, and just puts me down constantly. If I stick up for myself his volume goes from 0-100 instantly. I once got in trouble for simply talking about how I feel when he treats me this way. He said I shouldn’t be saying anything other than “sorry” or “thank you”. He rubs in my face that he makes all of the money so it’s my job to make sure everything gets done. I am constantly on edge, full of anxiety. I feel like I walk around in circles all day cleaning up after him and he just messes it up and I’m freaking exhausted mentally and physically. I cook dinner every day too, he has no problem criticizing my cooking whether the food isn’t good enough or I didn’t have it ready when he was hungry. He threw an entire pan of mashed potato casserole that I made onto the floor before it was even done cooling off and splattered it all over the kitchen because “there were no vegetables in the fridge” is what made him angry to begin with according to him. I am scared of him. If I leave I’m left with nothing. He made me sell my car, lose my job. I’m 24 and I have no savings, no place to live other than my with my mom. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. He says to me that he has enough money that he deserves what he wants (even if it’s unreasonable or unrealistic) he doesn’t even give me a chance to get my housework done before he legitimately screams at me or throws things, breaks things all the time. Things that cost money. We haven’t even been together for a year yet and this is my life already. I feel trapped, scared and so depressed. I don’t know what to do.
This is abuse. Plan a safe exit, and get out ):
How did you go as a pharmacist tech for four years at 19? How did you get your degree so fast, did you even have a degree, doesn’t it take years of dedication to be a pharmacist so how did you do it in a year.
But anyways you seem like a smart person so I know you can’t fix your situation
Get out, I’ve lived in the same situation for 30 years and it only gets worse and harder to make the break . I was 24 when we got together, now I’m 55 old, tired and broken. All of my hopes and dreams have been crushed and I have accomplished nothing that I ever wanted. Get out while you still can!!!!
absolutely get OUT of this situation NOW. Unfortunately, you will need to literally just leave him. You will need to either get financial help from your mom, friends, someone to get you up and going and once you can ‘escape’ this hell and you are safe, you will need to secure a Job so that you can be self sufficient.
I fear for all your pets too. How does he treat them? FIRST thing, is you need to find a job, a way to make money. Even if it’s a ‘work from home’ virtual situation. It really sucks he works from home and is basically ‘watching’ you every second. That alone would make me nuts.
You need to get OUT of this situation NOW, and you also need to take ALL the animals with you. I am serious here.
Can your mother help you at ALL financially? ie. is there anywhere that you could rent like a part time place to escape to short term? People rent out basements all the time….you are going to have to think a lot on this and figure out a plan here.
And, once you do, he CANNOT know where you are going! Never tell him a thing, act normal, be very very secretive and careful of how you are acting, or he will know something is up…..or he will suck you right back in and it will only be 200 times worse…..I was in a VERY similar situation as you in my mid twenties and I literally had to leave in middle of the night, I had planned ahead, and rented out a small room in an older couples house in like a mother in law suite, super cheap.
Once I got out and knew I was ‘safe’ and he did not know where I was, I went straight to the magistrate and filed abuse complaint on him. Since he had prior abuse complaints from other women, he was arrested and taken to jail. I never ever saw him again.
I escaped and moved on with my life. You MUST think ONLY of YOU and those Pets now……plot and plan….DO NOT got to your Mom’s if he knows where that is….that is the first place he will look!
If you know ANYONE out of state, I would HIGHLY recommend you leave altogether. Please do NOT leave those pets behind…abusers abuse anyone and anything….pets typically get abused as well. There are also animal rescues that if you tell them your situation, can maybe help you secure a temp place for your pets until you get a job, etc. Please, do yourself a favor, get strong and believe in yourself, but you need an escape plan for your and pets ASAP! If I was you, I’d be calling the cops on him next time he throws something or yells at you — tell the cops you feel unsafe and that he will kill you and the pets…over exaggerate if you have to, this is a life or death situation for ALL of you with this person….lf you stay, it will ONLY get worse, and God forbid you get pregnant…..get out NOW while you still have your entire life ahead of you, and do NOT get into another relationship until you have sorted out with a counselor first how and why you got into this situation in the first place!
Leave this man. This is abuse. if you don’t leave then you will find yourself lost after 10 or 12 or 30 years. and if you have kids, their lives will be destroyed too. Trust me, it will be ok. There are resources for women who leave these kind of relationships
Honey go live with your mom, get a job and save up baby. Live your life. He will only get worse.. And PLEASE don’t have a baby with him
Please, I cannot believe what I have just read. I hope you are not still in this abusive relationship. You definitely need counselling to up your self worth and courage to leave. I wouldn’t even bother to try and enforce boundaries with this type of bullying narcissistic behaviour. It’s plain to see he purposely destroyed your career, I’m so sad you didn’t see any of this. You may be a trusting soul who sees good in others, but he sounds like a very toxic dangerous person.
My advice is start dating! You can do this any way you think is safe for you, in secret, openly or telling him you want an open relationship. You will see competition is how men thrive! Men step up their game only when they fear to lose it all!
My heart goes out to you for what you’re going through. I can relate to what you are going through on a verbally abusive scale.
Please know you are worthy to be treated with respect and that Jesus Christ is willing to be your strong tower and support system. When my husband treats me poorly, I go straight to the Heavenly Father, Jesus, and His Precious Holy Spirit (three aspects of who God is) and talk to God about things. His Holy Spirit gives me peace and comfort, and helps me to evaluate the situation, judge myself to see if I erred in any way, hand the pain and hurt to Him, and He even gives godly guidance as to what He recommends.
If he is putting his hands on you and hurting you physically, I’d recommend getting out of that situation to a safe haven with support and godly guidance. Hopefully he hasn’t laid his hands on your children. Call the police, or a friend and get your children and you to safer ground.
According to Ephesians 6:12-13
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Seek and search the scriptures, as they are a guidebook into truth. Jesus is the answer. In John 14:6 ,
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know b my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”
We can go to Him for anything and everything. All who confess Him as Lord and Savior and believe in the Name of the One true God will be saved.
Check out 1 John 4:13-16
13This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
Jesus wants a personal relationship with you and will give you strength and comfort, protection, and guidance. He knows every hair on your head and formed you in your mothers womb. Keep being strong and turn to His love ❤️ ❤️❤️
You may feel lost not, but never lose hope. Keep your faith and hope in Jesus Christ and His undying love for you and your family. He will restore the broken pieces. And turn your difficult situation into a blessing. That’s the God He is. And He loves you so.
Amen Mandi. So true, I pray that all women who are going through hard times would accept Jesus as their Saviour and call on the name of Jesus to help them as He, God, and the Holy Spirit can give them the peace that only God can give, the peace that passes all understanding as the Bible says, and I pray that they would hear that still small voice from God telling them which direction they should go. Jesus is the real answer for hope, and forgiveness.
I love this
Great reply. After 3r yrs of blaming myself for wanting a partner. wanting love, respect and understanding…I’ve realized it’s not ever going to change.
34 yrs…
I am currently in the same situation. Everything is my fault no matter what it is. He gets mad at the smallest things and just emotionally blows up. He hates how positive I try to be in every situation. He has completely brought my spirits all the way down. We have been together for over 15 years and I am just exhausted and drained. Even through all the verbal abuse, I still try and do things for him only to still be talked down to. He says things like if I ever try to put him out, it will be war, etc. I pay all the bills, do all the chores, take care of my kid . He won’t even try and find a real job to Help lighten the financial strain that I am feeling. I have lost my mom, bro, and sis all in a short period of time and I can’t even fully deal with those emotions because I’m constantly dealing with his bull. I’m tired tired tired and just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be intimate with him at all. How can I be? You curse me out and then 5 minutes later want me to be intimate? No, it just turns me off. Just need prayers really.
It is both comforting and disturbing to read through these comments and see so many of my personal struggles with my husband mirrored here. I almost feel like some of you have been spying on me;) Here is my journey (abbreviated of course) so far in case it helps anyone. For what it is worth, my husband did not seem to have any of these symptoms when I met him, though in retrospect I should have noticed some of the red flags. I have let go of blaming myself for that though. We have been married for almost 20 years and this behavior pattern only became apparent to me about 5 or 6 years ago. It became troubling to me about 4 years ago and suffocating me about 2 years ago. That’s when I began secretly seeing a therapist to try to figure out what was so wrong with ME that I made my husband feel like he was constantly suffering at the hands of others and I was no longer of any comfort to him. He blamed me for “emotionally abandoning him” and I never seemed to be able to care enough. When I said something to him about his perceived hurts from the world, it was always the wrong thing. When I said nothing, I was uncaring, not perceptive enough, “simple” and simply not enough for him. This began to bleed into everything and poison all our interactions and family events. Christmas day ending with everyone feeling tense and stifled. Birthdays that should have been happy occasions feeling the same. Then, any vacation or weekend away being ruined by his dark cloud of negativity that only was able to stay at bay if everyone in the family catered to his every request. There were never enough eggshells to walk on. Surprise, surprise, after one year of therapy I began to see that perhaps I was not all to blame for his behavior. At year two, I can finally see clearly.
The tipping point for me was when a began to see how much his behaviors were effecting our teenage daughters. I found myself constantly protecting my youngest from his toxic negativity and manipulative actions. He consistently impacted her self esteem with his general disapproval of everything she said to him. Privately, to me he disapproved of her clothes, her friends, her choice of afterschool activities, the time she got up in the morning, what she chose to eat for breakfast, her rushing to get out of the house in the morning, her choice to read in her room for hours on end (gee, I wonder why?) One day while I stood by as he complained about her to adult acquaintances I just had enough. Ultimately, I felt like I could handle his behavior as long as it was just me that was bearing the brunt of the anger and judgement. When he began to attack my daughter’s sense of self confidence and agency in the world, I could no longer tolerate the status quo. So I have gone through denial, confusion, anger–I am now at clarity. My husband is not a bad person, just a damaged one. Things are currently super toxic in our house. I get my daughter out as much as possible and give her things to look forward to. I take care of myself and refuse to accept blame or any responsibility for his pain anymore. I am trying to find a couple’s counselor for us to go to, but honestly it is really just for him. I hope he can find some peace. I am at the edge of whatever this new chapter will bring to my life–I now refuse to carry other people’s unresolved childhood trauma or harbor blame for not being able to process other people’s emotions for them.
My husband has this mindset too and he is always grumbling through his meals and doesnt like company at meal time. He wants a cooked meal , but no sign of people when he makes himself comfortable to eat at around 8:30 pm everyday.Sometimes he makes an extra side dish like an egg complaining that the food lacks protein(we are vegetarians)which will stretch his dinner till 9:45-10:00. We have tried to go down to eat at the same time as him, he will show his disapproval by making noise with lids , swearing, , complaining about the food, criticising me or his son.
Or , he will turn on the TV, ask quesions that need a long explanation related tro my sons academics and keeps eating without making eyec ontact ,these meals end up with my son eating too little or getting upset and walking away because he is tired of being ignored or talked at.Or he will keep grumbling about the meal.
;This is not working out so, we have got into the habit of delivering food to me and my kids room so we can eat at dinner /lunch time, stocking up snacks in the room. Sometimes i feel guilty setting up these habits and i have heard my husband complain to friends and family that i deliver food to my kids rooms and that he doesnt like it
.I dont like it either but what other choice do I have to be able to eat a quiet meal without being interrogated, criticised and talked at?.
Hi, my husband abused me for many years, I was born without sight and I don’t drive and I appreciate a bit of comfort in my life where I can have it. He physically hurt me for years, gaslit me and verbally abused me on a near daily basis, physically harmed me over money, financially abused me in every way and cheated on me the entire time we were together. I don’t have any money saved up and I’ve been praying every day. I’m very scared and I don’t know what to do. He’s a monster and everyone seems to love him. His family betrayed me and abandoned me. He broke every law in the book. I’m laying in bed in severe pain and fear and I have no idea what to do. I don’t have anyone else to talk to. He’s ruined my birthday and the holidays after making every day for the last 6 years about him. He took advantage of me, never cared about my pain and left me with nothing. Please pray for me.
I am the reverse roll. I am trying so hard to see where my wife is coming from. I am certainly not lazy. I do have to be reminded of things occasionally, but I do the laundry, wash the dishes, vacuum, take out the trash, etc and even built a large kitchen onto the house. She says that I dont support her, but she is so busy being a volunteer first responder, a coach, scout master for cub scouts, and her job as a school nurse. I also work full time, and usually work quite a bit of over time. I feel that she puts every bit of this in priority above God and myself. I have told her that I feel no support from her and it’s like she ignored me saying that. Please help me. I’m not trying to blame myself or her, I just want her to love me again. I love her with every ounce of my being, and I don’t want to lose her!!!
Same boat. Sorry you’re going through that. Came looking for a different perspective. I’m certainly to blame for some of this situation myself and not above trying to reevaluate the situation. We both work as well, her during the day and I’m working at night, I just don’t know how to stop the awful things she says. I’m not lazy, I have to get some rest after work. I’m happy to try, but let me try and don’t call me stupid or say I have no positive impact on the world. I do have mental health struggles, but my wife has ignored when the marriage counselor has said not to talk like that so I have no idea. Best of luck sir.
I think it is judgmental to require him to be positive and pleasant, passive aggressive judgment that he usually isn’t either one. Asking if he feels too grumpy, is really your assessment of his mood, however you define grumpy. Does he have to dance on his toes and smile all the time? I would have just issued the invitation with a smile.
I’ve never met a negative person who wasn’t also a manipulative bully, some more overt, some more change very. I am concerned that this answer may lead a victim to feel she has NO out and is trapped with a life sucking, soul-sucking self centered person who has no concept of “love, honor, and cherish.” She needs to know that negativity CAN certainly fall into the category of abuse and what steps she can take if it does. Taking your feelings and mindset out on another person (usually a “weaker” person who they have power over) IS abuse and is very destructive. A perpetually negative person absolutely needs someone to blame and if it’s “your fault” they feel entitled to get angry and abusive.
Nobody is required to live with that!
So true! I also find it easy to use my husband’s (or other important person) negativity and bad mood as an excuse for me to be in a bad mood, or do something self-destructive (overeat, overspend, be nasty back.) I had to recognize this and take responsibility for my own mood and actions. I can choose to remove myself from the environment short-term, i.e. go grocery shopping, go buy coffee, or remove myself mentally by focusing on something creative or getting absorbed into a book. I did (and do) need professional help. I also try to take sometime for longer breaks by going to visit friends/family who live a distance away and being gone long enough to remember what ‘normal’ is. Of course, with the pandemic this has been mostly impossible, and I’ve had to practice more self-care, grounding things like breathing, centering prayer, It is a constant balancing act to stay respectful of his choices, but not enable his bad attitude, and not let his choices dictate my choices. Yet, God is “a very present help in trouble.” (and a constant complainer is trouble!)
Arloa, it sounds like you are “staying well” in this situation. Self care is so very important when living with a difficult person. Good for you!
Very well put!
Julia, Please listen you are living with Domestic Abuse. You need to get away from him. Call the Hot Line and get a restraining order on him. Document everything he says and does to you. And make a Plan how to leave him. There is help out there for you, you just need to make the Call, Don’t let it keep going on and on things are probably just going to get worse. Save Yourself, he’s not worth the hurt.
In my opinion, he has already ruined your family and your life. How selfish of him to behave in such an entitled, self absorbed manner! Why do you stay in such an oppressive relationship? Are you having trouble valuing yourself? This guy needs consequences ASAP. Change his tune or he won’t be keeping company with you anytime soon.
Leslie, what is the possibility there could be suppressed trauma in a situation like this? Sometimes people complain about external things instead of dealing with something internal that is bothering them, or they feel grumpy and out of sorts, but maybe haven’t identification why.
There is a good possibility of that but that makes it no less draining on the spouse having to listen to his negativity all of the time. And, sometimes it’s used as an “excuse” for acting out. “This happened to me and therefore I can’t help it. I have no choices” but he does have choices. To get help for his negativity or the causes (trauma) of it.
H, did you sign up to be a trauma dumping can or a partner? His problem is his responsibility, not yours. He can figure out his own issues if he wants to. Boundaries, dear, Boundaries. You have to decide what you need and want from this relationship as is, not what could be.
This is actually a reply to FREE! I don’t believe in leaving your spouse bc they have a victim mentality. Sure, it’s tough, I’ve been dealing with it for over a decade and I’m worn out right now. However, what God has joined, let no man put asunder. For one thing, what kind of witness would we be to our adult and married children? It’s not fun, however, we CAN do all things through Christ Jesus our Lord! Try prayer before divorce. I’ve been there and done that once almost 3 decades ago. I pray I never have to go through that again.
I am wondering if you have any recommended resources for a wife to give to her husband, in order to better help him understand his emotionally destructive/abusive behaviors. Is there a Christian resource (article, video, podcast, etc.) written directly to the abusive husband, that details the specific behaviors that he can identify within himself? I see a lot of blogs/articles written to women, but I have not yet found one written to Christian men to help them identify such behaviors. My husband is not physically violent or abusive, but he has emotionally abusive tendencies. I know that he would be willing to read such resources if they are available. Thank you.
Don’t bother Hannah. He knows exactly what he is doing. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” It is an essential first read for both of you. My abusive spouse read it and had what Lundy says is the most common response from abusive male readers. He said “Lundy told all his secrets.”
Please know that your abusive spouse isn’t physical….yet. As long as you keep complying to his control, he doesn’t have to up his power game. No abusive relationship is good. The only solution is to get out. Make a plan. It is going to hurt to leave, but if he is ever going to change (very unlikely) he’ll do it better with out you in his life.
Read Lundy’s book “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”, too. Listen to Pastor Wade Mullens you tube lecture on evil and while you are at it, google Patrick Doyle too.
Best wishes in your journey. It will be a difficult one. Your spouse is using you and sees you as an object despite what you have been manipulated to believe.
Don’t think my reply posted.
Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does he Do That?”. Then you need to read his book “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Don’t be deluded. He knows what he is doing. He isn’t physical yet, because you are pretty easy to control and he generally gets what he wants from you.
I am 60 year old woman who has lived my life looking for adventure and always looked for positive. I was happy and optimistic. Then I got married 18 years ago to the most self loathing, woeth me, negative critical of everything and everybody man. He resents the fact that he has to work a normal job, and has constantly talks about his bad choices. Not going to college etc. I am emotionally drained. I cannot even think of anything that could bring me joy. I sometimes feel all I have left is to be miserable.. try to keep things as simple and complaint free as I can till I die. Help
It looks like you’re saying that this relationship has got you treading water, and you’re so focused on that next sip of air that you haven’t had a chance to look for a shore to swim for. Small changes to find your feet might be a good way to start, even if it’s delaying in the bathroom with the door closed for 5 extra minutes to get a break. Keep an eye out for opportunities to be apart – especially overnight, doing things you enjoy and also look for social or extended family opportunities. The more you get physical distance (don’t get sucked into getting on the phone when you’re apart) the more you can think clearly to find your path to the life you want.
Hannah, you say that your h has “emotionally abusive tendencies.” I think it important for you to discern if he is being intentionally hurtful, or it he is just clueless about how his behavior is affecting you and others. If he is clueless, then for you to learn appropriate responses that let him know that his behavior is hurtful, and that you will not tolerate it, will help him to adjust his behavior, and maybe even develop some empathy. On the other hand, if he is being intentionally demeaning and hurtful, then Free’s advice may apply. In either case, the books will help you to see more clearly what’s going on. You do not deserve to be abused in any way.
Patricia Evans wrote “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that might give more understanding, also.
Carol his lung cancer may take his life and you will finally get yours!!
Carol, I sympathize with what you are going through, but I do want to encourage you to set some boundaries on your husband’s behavior. Even though he is dealing with chemo, that does not give him the right to be verbally abusive. you can require him to treat you with respect as you care for his needs while he is in chemo. In fact, this might be a good time for him to examine his life and how his behavior has affected others. [ “What do you hope people will say about you at your funeral?”]
So, as you do what you need to do to take care of his needs, but not necessarily his wants or demands, set limits on what you will do and what you will not tolerate. This is what it means to “guard your heart.” It is not unkind to not allow him to be unkind to you.
May the Lord supply you with His abundant grace to get through this.
Agree Hannah, you are worth living your best life regardless of what h does or doesn’t do. If you have to give up being yourself to stay in that relationship, it’s death! Sorry, just being real after coming out of denial for so many years. I’m glad to still be around to share what became the truth that set me free!
This is very eye opening for me. My husband is a very negative, grumpy, complaining spouse. We’ve been together for almost 35 years. It has been quite a long process to have my eyes opened (I asked God to open my eyes and he did) My husband hasn’t changed, his verbal outbursts always come when least expected. Our children are now 32 and 30 (and unfortunately our often now speaks in negative tones just like his dad) I read Why does he do that? a few years ago and have pick it up off and on, but every time I read it I get a sick feeling in the pit of stomach as I read all the familiar traits of my husband. Even though I am very much aware, it is difficult to find the courage to bring this up to him, as he does not believe he is every wrong (I am a Christian and he is not, although he says he may believe in something) One of the things I came to realize is that I am a very people pleasing type of person. When we got married, everything was based on his wishes, and that is another part of the challenge. I have become much more assertive over the years, but it is not enough for him to see his negativity.
I wouldn’t recommend you bring anything up to him. He is not going to change, but you can. I imagine you survived this long complying to his wishes. That is how you survived a marriage to a miserable selfish man. Complaining is a selfish act. What can you do to remove yourself from his diatribes and invest in something you enjoy? Read Lundy’s book, “Should I Stay or Should I go?”
Carol, you can’t be quiet enough or cheerful enough to change you h. It’s his choice. Save yourself from further abuse and take care of you.
What you wrote Leslie about not taking responsibility for his feelings or catering to his bad moods is critical.
This past summer I began to see, by the Grace of God, that I got overinvolved in my h’s struggles. In particular with his work. I suddenly began to see how negative he was and how heavy things would get when he’d bring up one of his struggles.
I began to see how much time and energy we both put into these. For my part, I was actually trying to take responsibility for his feelings. I would come away feeling frustrated and down and he would feel unheard.
For his part he believed that I was responsible for his negative emotions. We both believed that. I think that we both mistook this type of exchange for emotional intimacy.
I found myself saying to him that me choosing to listen to his struggles is a gift. I could choose to give it, or not. Feeling entitled to be given a gift is a problem on his part, and me feeling that I was obliged to give a gift was a problem on my part.
I did all of what Leslie recommends above. The hardest part is waking away from the misplaced guilt. I clearly remember the turning point when I did not allow his ‘hurt feelings’ at my ‘not listening’ to him, to affect me negatively. My daughter and I were on our way out and I was not going to let his mood affect my time with her. I was able to leave those feelings with him.
Since then, I am learning that I’m a pretty good humoured person. I am pretty upbeat, generally. I love to laugh.
I’m wondering how much of my tendency to depression was mine, and how much was his….
I’m also learning that my husband is a grown man who can handle his emotions, and when he can’t he now brings his negative stuff to his brothers in Christ who are happy to keep him accountable.
This past week I found myself thinking about how much my h has changed in this regard. He isn’t ‘wounded’ by what I say anymore. He used to get wounded or offended often, by something I said.
It’s crazy how freeing this one change has been.
Praise God!
How did your husband turn to God and make the change?
What if your spouse has the victim mindset and claims that you are emotionally abusive/destructive…. but you don’t agree and others don’t agree and would say its the other way around? In my opinion we have a disappointing marriage. We have both strayed and broken our marriage vows, however mine are highlighted and exposed while hers remain in the dark. Any time I want to talk about our marriage I am deemed unrepentant and unsafe. We have 3 young children and she has filed for divorce. I want to work on our marriage but we don’t for the sake of safety and healing. After all, I am the abuser and she is the victim. Where does the victim mindset change from healthy (abuser/victim) to unhealthy (complaining/depression)?
If you can’t discuss things safely then continue to do your own work and invite her to do her own work so that the possibility of safety and reconciliation is possible.
Hello, I have been married for 33 years and it has been a rough road. My husband is so indifferent and non-caring. He has nothing to say…to me or to our 2 children. No words of advice or comfort. His mother is narcissistic and is verbally abusive to me and our children. My husband does nothing about it. He will not stand up for us. Without his help, I have had to teach my children how to stand for the truth while having the right attitude about it. Stating the truth is not wrong. Setting boundaries is not wrong. This can be done while being respectful, also. My husband and his mom always try to make us feel guilty for disagreeing or for standing up for ourselves. My father-in-law just lowers his head and leaves the room when his wife starts to berate one of us. I’ve had to tell her that until she can be more patient and less angry, I won’t be around her. The kids, age 24 and 19, have told her the same thing. They feel so hurt by her angry accusations and we three feel very hurt that my husband just stands aside and lets it happen. I’ve lost respect for him. I’ve pleaded with him for years. I’ve cried and pleaded. Now I am just numb. I have moved out and started working again and I really love the peace in my home now. I guess he and I will just live separate lives from now on. I feel very sad about the situation. I hate that it has to be this way, but I don’t know what else to do. I actually thought I was going to lose my mind, dealing with him and his mother.
Dear Leslie.
Thank you for a beautiful explanation. It lifted my spirit as I recently felt being more and more effected by my husband’s negativity and not being in my full health myself, it was really bringing me down. Your article has given me great hope and a wonderful tool to keep my positivity and enjoy my life. Bless you.
This is awesome advise! I will try it. (Sometimes easier said than done, but I’ll do my best.)
I am literally in this exact situation. I am (or at least was) a very positive person, before I got married several years ago. I am married to a very negative person, who definitely lives in the victim mindset. To be frank, the only reason we are even together is our two daughters. Even with that, we are constantly on the verge of splitting due to her over the top negativity. It has drained the life out of me.
This is awesome advise! I will try it. Sometimes easier said than done, but I’ll do my best.
I needed this today. My husband Cindy’s to complains about everything and he’s also very defensive. He likes to buy himself expensive things when he’s feeling extra down about work. He makes really good money. Everyone loves him. His noses love him. But he hates being in charge of a very large department and dealing with all the problems that arise. So he tends to complain to me via text about how he hates his job. I get 2-3 of those during the workday. Then complains when he gets home. Then he complains on Sunday. Then if he takes a day off he complains about going back to work but also about the kids not doing enough. He complains about the weather. He complains about the neighbor. He complains if the dogs are being extra. He constantly complains about the kids and how they get away with more than he did. He complains that I will do them favors if they ask me. He complains about his family. He complains about everything and everyone. I used to try to be his “mini savior” and busted my butt trying to make part time businesses work and I’d hustle to try and make more money Sobe could either quit or buy what he wanted. But he still wouldn’t be happy. I’m still here and contemplating how I got into this marriage. He wasn’t like this when we were dating. He’s also born into having conversations. He doesn’t believe in Jesus. He only likes to complain or talk task related stuff. Nothing can be discussed with substance except he can complain and act grumpy. My heart is really heavy
I am in the same situation. My husbands complains about everything and is never happy. I hear the same thing about work and how his boss is an a-hole and the drive is horrible. I would get text then calls at work. Sometimes I would not answer on purpose, if I didn’t he would call my work phone non stop. He wasn’t like that when I met him, he changed and I am so unhappy and tired. My heart is really heavy. I pray every night for strength and guidance. I do love him, but he is draining my soul.
It isn’t just husbands. I needed this today. My wife was the victim of sexual abuse and neglect in her teens, but she is now 58. She refuses to deal with the trauma, and has had at least 6 counselors in the 12 years we have been married.
She is depressed, but her attitude and actions are preventing her from moving forward.. She focuses on the negative and finds ways to be the victim in every situation. She criticizes and judges everyone, compares herself negatively with everybody else, and likes to have long pity parties.
It is really difficult to live with someone who refuses to deal with their issues, throws pity parties, a nd often blames you for their misery. God helped me heal from a lot of trauma in my childhood. Now, I am mostly positive, and I help others deal with trauma and heal. But, I can’t help my own wife, because she doesn’t really want help. She wants to be a victim. I still love her, but her negativity and critical attitude is chipping away at that love.
Hi Mark. You are probably the last person she wants help from. I am dealing with the same situation regarding my husband although I think he was molested and will not admit it to me if he was, but there was definitely plenty of emotional abuse in his youth from his father. Your wife may not want to display her vulnerability to you. Her trauma is complex and maybe the counselors she is seeing need to be of better quality. They’re not all great, but she also has to make a conscious decision to accept help and heal. I tried to be there for my husband and see him through his emotional distress, but found out he was cheating on me with a woman who “understood’ his problems. I threw him out of the house. People with a victimized mindset are very manipulative and will blame you for their misery. There is no way you can love the trauma out of them. Their perception of how they receive love is distorted.
I know you want to help your wife because you love her. I tried the same, but I realized it was futile. This is sad to say, but maybe the diminishing of your love for her might be what you need to get through this process, unless she has some epiphany and realizes she needs some serious help. Your spirit can only take so much abuse. Please take care of yourself. Talk to someone about what you are going through. And if you know Jesus, pray. All the best to you.
I’m a 40ish woman who is married with two kids, teen and preteen. Everyday my husband comes home to complain about work, or anything, to the point it’s exhausting. He then started with “I’m going to sue such-and-such” everyday he comes up with some new lawsuit about how someone or some company wronged him. I called him out on it this evening. I wasn’t proud, but I told him, “Then sue already! Or shut up about it! All you do is say you’re going to sue someone everyday. Shut up, shut up, shut up!”.
I know it’s not the best idea to tell and snap, but everyone has their breaking point. He got quiet and went to retreat in his chair that he sits on every evening. Finally, some peace. I have a health condition that flares with stress. It’s serious, and I can’t have that stress around me like that.
Yeah but I cheated on my husband for a few years with multiple people.i hurt him bad and he has a right to feel like a victim.all he wants is for me to admit to my wrongs and move on.its so hard to admit it all though.he loves me dearly and I love him so I guess it’s up to me to admit my wrongs so we can move on.
“ You might try talking with him about his negativity, but I suspect you’ve tried that already with more negative results. We all are somewhat blind to our shortcomings, and this is true for a negative person as well. ”
So you should accuse your husband of being in a victim mindset and if he disagrees it’s proof he’s in a victim mindset because “we all are somewhat blind to our shortcomings.” You’ve established a scenario where his only choice is to obey every accusation you make and apologize even if the accusation is baseless. This is a form of manipulation and I suggest your husband leave you before it’s too late.
I just found this article after sitting down typing into Google “my spouse can’t enjoy life and is ruining mine” – how sad to even feel this way in life.
I read all of the comments and can relate to a lot of them.
My biggest question is whether or not to stay in this relationship.
We’ve been married 16yrs, and have 2 daughters.
I love this man, and have tried to have all the patience in the world but I will admit that his constant negativity is eating away at us all.
Today reached a new level – it is a holiday weekend and he has ruined all of the days by being in a bad mood.
He definitely has a mood disorder of some sort, although has never been diagnosed’ because he refuses to go to a Dr.
(yet another example of [like one of the other comments mentioned] – it is never him, and always blames everyone else)
I’m just tired of this, and completely drained from it.
I find myself rather being at work than at home, which for me is a huge sign.
– your home should be a place or peace and rest, not this constant battle and cesspool of negativity.
I’m not sure why I’m even commenting, I guess to say whoever is reading this you’re not alone.
I know deep down I deserve better, and combine that with how short life is – there is your answer;
but like another commenter said: easier said than done.
Moving out and all that comes with splitting up is incredibly hard, so for me I think it will have to get to a point where I literally cannot take it any longer.
It’s so hard when you care for the person and love them, and genuinely want to be with them, but wish they could change this ONE (huge) thing.
I didn’t have any self worth or self esteem growing up, nor do I in my 50’s, so I think that is also a big part of “putting up with” his behaviour.
Wishing you all who are reading this a clear answer – as it is not black and white and there are many different factors and situations;
but I will encourage you to pray hard about your own situation and seek the Lord’s guidance – submit your life to Him and trust he will make your path straight, as He promises us in scripture. We need to make Him our #1 priority and repent that we weren’t walking in His ways when we got into this mess (if applicable, as it was the case in my life – I obviously wasn’t walking with Him or wouldn’t be in this mess), and have hope that He will work out everything for good.
Blessings and love to you all!
I am reading all these comments and can relate to pretty much all of them, going through same with my spouse. I have tired now for 8+ years with this person, and I asked God to please tell me what to do. I know God does not want us to Divorce, HOWEVER, God never intended for our spouses to ABUSE us. To me, at age 55….I have to ask myself —- is THIS how you WANT to live for the REST of YOUR life…..is THIS how GOD wants YOU to live? I have my answer and as the one who has strived to do better, make more money, get a better home, take care of that home, create a beautiful space inside AND outside on our property…I give 100% of ME to this marriage, or have, and my spouse gives about 10%. This is NOT how a marriage is supposed to be. I can go on and on and I am not saying I am perfect, but you can tell who’s WHO by their ACTIONS and what they are bringing to the table. I don’t understand Lazy Men. I just don’t get it and I hear this theme more and more, while the WOMEN just give and give and give and get abused. IF you are IN this type of Marriage, get OUT. You deserve better! WHY is anyone staying???? for the KIDS??? Kids don’t need to see this life and model it and be traumitized by it. Get OUT. I know it’s easy to say get out, but seriously! GOD wants us HAPPY, not forced in a miserable marriage to an ABUSER. Please all of you think and pray on this. If you are being abused in ANY way, shape or form….think about yourself at 85…..is this what you want for yourself then, now, in between??? I have made my decision, I am getting OUT…..I will lose BIG TIME financially and I KNOW this, but I’d rather crash and burn, but still be able to walk out of the wreckage than die silently and miserably in a horrible, abusive marriage. Marriage is SO overrated anyway, IMO! I’d rather be alone and be able to do what I want, when I want to do it without Negative Nelly tagging along and being a parasite to my good mood and generally optomistic disposition. Your miserable spouse will suck the life out of your soul, your looks, your body, your health. Please consider what I am saying for those of you staying. We ALL deserve the very best, and God wants us Happy, remember that!
Over the course of this mistake of a marriage my husband has become so emotional and whiny and constantly complaining about being life’s victim that I can no longer stand to even look at him. He acts hysterical and goes into poor me mode almost daily.Its to the point where I have learned to just not even speak because this will be a catalyst for him no matter what I say. I can’t stand not having personal accountability and I have tried to calmly and rationally talk with him multiple times but he only escalates in his pity party. He has turned into his mother, literally. This article has a vast amount of good information that I will certainly commit to memory, even though I am divorcing him. He has destroyed any sort of affection I initially had for him with his irrational displays of uncontrollable emotions and unwillingness to stop acting like a child.
I am in the same situation and it’s now also affecting our sons. My oldest has adhd and has always had trouble with regulating his emotions, so my husband is constantly upset with our son’s reactions. He is always lecturing him and says it is about teaching him. At the heart of it, all his actions come from a place of thinking that no one listens to him, that if people just did what he said they should, life would be better. He has literally said that our son will cause him to have a heart attack one day. It’s always about him, and how it makes him feel. He will ‘joke’ around about kids ruining things etc. and when the kids feel hurt he says they need to learn to recognize when people are joking. At one point I told him he needs to see a therapist. He contacted someone, but everything he talked to them about was how our relationship isn’t as strong and how I undermine him, and that because we aren’t as close anymore the kids mimick my talking back to him. Where in reality, I’m defending my kids as he’s yelling at them, or ‘talking sternly’ but always crosses the line with hurtful comments. But in the end, he says it’s my fault when the kids react negatively because they become emotional around me.
I am a 50 year old women with a 14yr old autistic daughter and my husband sleeps for weeks literally won’t work. Right now we owe the motel close to $2000 and have been homeless for 3 years. He refuses to work a regular job or even get up and do anything. I have no support and I’m at the breaking point and stressed out always making life work and be as normal and happy as it can be. How do I get out. He is emotionally physically abusive as well.
I would suggest stop taking advice from women about men’s issues and talk the men to understand why there is an issue and how to respect and support your husband. Do you women honestly think that belittling your supposed loved one will help them grow. Sometimes the truth is hard to accept and perhaps he has told you exactly what he feels and why he is in such a state. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and she had the same mentality as the women in this feed. She had this fairytale idea of what a relationship is supposed to be like and would constantly criticize. I provided emotional, physical, and financial stability but she always found something to complain about and hardly reciprocated after marriage. Once I had enough of her negativity and spoke up, she had a similar “you’re not a victim” mentality. Like, “bitch suck it up. You’re not a real man.” That kind of stuff just pushed me away and for a time ended up being less motivated to be romantic, have deep conversations, and even sex. A man will do his part out of love or perhaps obligation but he still needs peace and he isn’t getting from his wife. So he either stays up late, stays in the garage, away from home, or in a separate room to himself.
Thank you Garza my thoughts exactly. God bless you and yours brother.
I’ve never said anything like that to my husband. Please go vent somewhere else. You’re just shitting on women who are in pain.
How is a man supposed to be happy and positive when his wife’s a total bitch?
Wow! What in the world is going on here. Are you really telling us how wrong we are and that we just aren’t treating our husbands right?!
None of us are expecting some fairytale. We are asking for maturity in our partners. Something that the men on this thread are definitely lacking.
I have been going through 38 years of marriage with my husband. It has been very difficult for my children and for myself. I found a very good article that kind of explained what a man’s perspective is and I gave it to him to read and he said this is exactly how I feel about these things. It’s low self-esteem.
The article is called
When you love a man with low self-esteem 9 things to keep in mind.
I believe this was very helpful to him and eye-opening to explain his feelings and emotions but now the work begins he needs to work on himself. He has to want to work on himself.
He goes back-and-forth all the time he falls back into self pity and victimhood and that’s the part where it’s hard for me. I’m so tired and drained from the back-and-forth.
I still have to learn how to have boundaries for myself.
It’s very hard to be close and have a relationship with the Lord when they drain you so but I know my heavenly father loves me and wants better for me.
I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself now because of all the damage that has been done
We all have work to do on our ourselves. That’s the truth, but it compiles when you’re living with a negative person like him.
A feeling of never feeling safe or heard or respected or loved
Always walking on eggshells as they say
There’s so much that has gone on with his lusting and cheating on me for 37 years always looking to other women for validation and dumping on me when he gets home and the kids never having any intimate relationship with him
And he has a theology degree from bio university and preachers and acts like he’s so wonderful but at home he’s a whole other person.
I am just gonna continue to try to lean on the Lord and find peace in him. I hope you guys can read this article cause it really shed light on a lot of what he was doing and why.
I got my broken marriage restored after my encounter
with priest Adu he is a specialist in reconciliation of broken family and relationship etc contact today for more info (priestadu@ gmail. com)
My husband of 27 years has been hinting that he considers him self lucky to be in the 20% of being together with someone and he says it with such anger and discontent he tells me that part of his life is over and done with and he wants to be happier but after his work trip one night ha comes home acting like I’m a problem asking for proof of love threatens me that if doesn’t fell loved or see love he’s gone when I try to ask him where this coming from he gets defensive acts like I’m an enemy compares me to everyone he hates and tells me that my question is how’s him that I don’t love him I’m super dumbfounded at this point I don’t know what going on everything I try to say he turns it on me everything I try to question he gets defensive and tells me that he knows love and I’m not showing it by questioning him or even if I look at him a certain way he starts attacking me with all these negative things he says I love u but I don’t feel u love me I don’t see it when he left for his business trip he was a different man but when he got back he was defensive aggressive and taunting me about everything It is overwhelming me BECUSE I know that his whole attitude shifted towards me suddenly and he’s gone to the point of blaming me for his broken relationship with his mother which I did not even know him when all that happened I was not in his or her life so i don’t understand why he’s taking it this far so I told him look if you don’t feel happy with me if I am not the one you love anymore it will be hurtful and I will be sad but you don’t have to be this way we can move on in a peaceful manner he went off on me I don’t know what to do what to not do I try to stay peaceful I try to listen to everything he has to say without judgment and this makes him much more angry and loud it’s been 3 days of non stop verbal abuse and even if I don’t say anything he finds something to criticize or be mad about looks at me like if he hates me and can’t wait to leave again it’s like I feel that he needs me to be seen as his enemy so he can leave happier but since I don’t say anything to him he tries harder for me to react what should I do am I doing th right thing I feel I’m stuck between a a rock and a hard place as of now