My Husband is a Chronic Liar. What Can I Do?
Good morning blog friends,
I was so encouraged by your responses to last week’s blog, When Trying Harder Becomes Destructive. In writing this new book, I am trying to say some new and bold things (for a Christian female author) and want to do it in a wise, God-centered way, so I deeply appreciate all your prayers.
My time with Focus on the Family went very well. Thank you for all your prayers. As I stepped off the airplane in Colorado Springs, I felt like I was walking into a convection oven with the hot winds blowing. Colorado Springs was experiencing a heat wave with temperatures around 97 degrees. The whole time I drove to my step-brother’s home (where I was staying), I was praying he had an air conditioner. Vanity speaking here, but I didn’t want to look like a sweaty mess when I was going to be at Focus on the Family.
God answered my prayers. When I got to my brother’s home he said, “I went out and bought an air conditioner just for you.” I was very thankful. The heat was oppressive, and it would have been difficult to sleep let alone get ready in the morning.
Focus on the Family said that they will air the programs in August and probably October. I will let you know the exact dates as soon as I know them.
Also, I'm excited to share a new blog website with you that is just launching today: www.faithlifewomen.com. I will be a contributor to this blog, so I hope you'll go in and check it out!
Today’s question: I am a 39 year old wife and mother of 3 children with another one on the way. My husband repeatedly lies to me and waits for me to find out, confront him, and finally admits it then acts as if nothing happened. I have been married for 15 years and am at the end of my rope with this regular event. How do I handle this? We were in counseling for a few months last year, and he lied to the counselor repeatedly, which served no good purpose, so we ended it. Any advice you can offer would be most appreciated.
Answer: As I say in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you. So, the only thing you can do is to ask yourself is what’s going on with you? You have been married to this man for 15 years. You say this is repetitive and he is unrepentant, meaning he is unwilling to get help for his problem. Even in counseling he is lying. So my advice to you is to ask yourself what is your problem here, and what are you going to do about your problem.
Let me explain. Your husband has a problem in that he lies and is a liar. That is not your problem, but you keep trying to fix his problem. The difficulty with that is that you can’t fix another person’s problem. The only person you can work on is you. So therefore you need to ask yourself what is your problem?
Your problem as I read it is that you don’t’ like living this way. You don’t like being married to a man you don’t trust and who doesn’t tell you the truth. You don’t like the fact that he is unwilling to change or work on his problem. You don’t like playing detective or mommy to catch him in his lies. So what are you going to do about your problem?
Without knowing the nature of the lies, I cannot give you specific advice, but I would encourage you to go to counseling yourself to figure out why you have continued trying to have a close relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you and doesn’t care that this habit hurts you and your marriage. Depending on the nature of his lies, you may also have to ask yourself why you are putting yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases or even having another child with a man who clearly is not invested in having a good relationship with you.
These questions may seem harsh, but you say that you are at the end of your rope and don’t know how to handle this. How do you imagine a healthy woman would handle this? Don’t blame yourself for his behavior, but ask yourself why you have put yourself in the role of trying to control his behavior and why you have been willing to put up with it for so long?
You don’t say whether or not your husband claims to be a believer, but you may need to enlist the help of your pastor to confront your husband. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
That means that if he refuses to listen, the closeness of the relationship changes. It doesn’t mean you divorce him necessarily, but you don’t have the closeness of fellowship and intimacy with someone you don’t trust. I know that makes you sad, as it would any woman in your situation, but if you want to be healthy, you must live in truth and reality.
Remember, in the end, the only person you can work on is yourself. Get the help you need to respond to this situation with wisdom and strength, not fear and frustration.
Friends, what would you encourage this woman to do?
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Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
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Dear sister, it is OK to detach emotionally, spiritually, and physically. There can be no genuine fellowship in a friendship without trust and empathy – so how much more does this apply where vows have been exchanged ? These things you are experiencing are destructive. Tell your husband your heart. Then if he continues to minimize, deny, blameshift, etc… (trying to guilt you in some way) tell him that too is destructive and that you no longer feel safe emotionally and spiritually with him. (If that indeed is descriptive of your perspective…. It is where I am). I am at peace because I am no longer enabling him in his self-delusion and outward image-pretending. Of course my detachment is portrayed by him to his church friends as me being unforgiving and paranoid. It is a sorrowful thing to walk this journey, but God supplies the inner joy, peace and confidence. Walk with Him. Lean on Him. And find yourself one or two faithful friends who "get it" from whom you can receive face to face support. There are also some good online groups where you can receive help and encouragement from other women in similar circumstances. (If part of the lying surrounds pornography or other forms of s*xual infidelity, I suggest NewLifePartners as a good group to check out). Blessings and hugs to you.
There are. people wanting to bring an innocent child to the world a) does not fix the marriage problem b) self needs instead of thinking about the child c) child is not an accessory to show off like a new handbag
As I was reading the reader's letter for the first time, I was struck by the fact that she mentions that she is pregnant with her fourth child by that man. Leslie, thankfully, addresses that later in her response. Sisters, we need to teach our girls to choose men of good character to have children with. And, if we know there are serious problems with a man's character, and we are already involved or married, stop having children with the man! Life is already hard enough- why deliberately make it harder? I commend the letter writer for keeping the child once it was already conceived, but I question the judgement, and the fairness to the children, of continuing to bring children into this type of relationship. And yes, it is harder to leave such a man, should it become necessary, if the woman has several children and possibly no job skills. So, ladies, value your education, and choose a good man to father your children!
In case you didn’t know, many babies are not deliberate, but unplanned gifts from God. And, just like me, most women enter marriages with the belief their partner is this wonderful person that promises to share a life together equally. And, we are so blessed to have your wisdom and glory on commending her for keeping her baby. Are you sure you aren’t God, because you certainly right like you think you are.
write :p
I completely agree with anonymous!
Both great responses. I am imagining the writer of the question is frustrated with a lack of pat answers but Leslie is spot on – the wife can only fix her own problem in this situation and that is likely the way in which she is responding to this man's pattern of being untrustworthy. Trying to confront a lyer by calling him one is usually ineffective as they will simply deny or blame shift. If the lyer feels you cannot prove the lie, they will become indignent over being accused "unjustly" and now you are the bad guy! Parenting With Love & Logic has a great response to lying that may work well with this man, simply say: "I feel as if I am being lied to." It is then the husbands responsibilty to change that by doing things that re-gain the wife's trust. In the meantime the emotional detatchment would be an appropriate adult consequence, as well as physical,if the lying involves s*xual purity. I hope this woman learns the Parenting With Love & Logic techniques for using with her children who certainly are going to need good boundaries.
possibly,this lady whose pregnant the fourth time is being bullies,controlled or threatened that thier will be consequences if she takes birth control
I trust my husband for 25 years and he cheated on me with another woman.If I have my own job and enough money I woudn’t think twice to leave him.He did not chance he is the same person.I just didn’t see it 31 years ago I will regret it for the rest of my live.
Im in the same situation, if you choose to stay what are steps that can be taken to protect yourself financially? Or is that even possible? In addition to other lies my husband constantly puts us in financial jeopardy while protecting his sister who is his business partner..plus many other issues..to numerous to list. I do not believe he is a believer, he's an alcoholic and lies constantly. Will have been married 27 years this November.
I can identify with your position. My husband is deceptive (am I in denial by not calling it lying?) and his lies and manipulation have devastated our finances and he keeps on spending and I am left to try to pay the bills. Oh this is so hard – the lying, controlling, anger, prescription drug/alcohol dependence and the financial issues among, like you said, the numerous list. 22 years of marriage and it is starting to feel overwhelming. He says he is a believer but I don’t see any proof – he doesn’t go to church, fellowship or anything – he reads his Bible when he wants to show me he is a believer. Thanks for sharing Anonymous.
I wanted to add he has never put me or our family/kids first. Wouldnt mind being second to God..but we are second to his family of origin and his own wants.
For the lady who left the previous 2 comments: You could probably talk to a paralegal, who might be able to give you advice on a low-cost basis. You might have more rights than you think, especially if you live in a community property state. If your husband is diverting family money into his family business, you might have a legal right to recover that money- believe what your husband might be doing is called "unlawful enrichment" or some such term. I also want to add a note to your comment that you have been married for 27 years- it sounds like you are married, but your husband isn't. After 27 years, you know what to expect, so maybe it is time to take care of yourself, for a change. Please don't give up.
I think Leslie hit the nail on the head when she suggests you confront him in the biblical way…Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Also, make sure you are walking with the Lord daily, that you have no unrepentant sin of your own, and truly allow Christ to be your husband. You will be much better able to deal with your husband and his lying when you are walking hand in hand with your heavenly father, loving savior and living a spirit led life.
I believe that is utmost to solving any of our problems and has been a major game changer in our lives! I turned to the Lord, growing closer to Him and have regained a close relationship with my husband too!
Thank you for your comment. Absolutely true. Very inspiring.
I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years and the lies are becoming overwhelming. (because I’m trying to shoulder it all alone) God bless and again thank you.
This post is old but your response is so on point ❤🙌
I truly understand what you are going through. It has been several months since you posted. I hope things are better. If not I hope that this will help.
In this world there is only two things. Good (God) and Evil (Satan). It is a constant spiritual warfare that is not seen with a human eye. It is a spiritual battle. It is a battle for our souls.
Satan has all kinds of tools he uses to steal, kill and distroy. If it is not GOOD then it is Evil. There is no gray areas. It is simply Good of Evil.
Satan is the father of lies. It is his number one tool.
My did sister in Christ, your husband needs prayer. But you must grow in the Lord as well. You must pray for yourself so that you can have true joy, peace that comes from God so that no matter what your husband is up too you can truly have faith that God is in control and that you will be okay. Ask the father for revelation on all things such as how to deal with a particular situation, to reveal all your husbands lies. You need to grow in Christ, this is how you fix yourself first.
Second, after growing in Christ you develope knowledge to combat the enemy which is the “Devil and his demons”. It would take a day of me writing and you reading to understand how “Good and Evil” works. But for now you can pray this prayer.
Father in Heaven,
I am emotionally drained.
I love my husband and I know you hate devorce.
Help me Lord to restore my life, family and marriage.
The devil has had too long of a hold on my husband, on my life and on my family.
I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins.
I believe because of this the devil has no authority over my life.
Reveal to me what areas in my life or my husbands life that had opened the door to let the devil in to create lies in my husband heart and mind so that I can fix these areas in our lives, weather it be pornagraphy or things from his childhood.
I pray in the name of Jesus that the stronghold of the Devil that is tormenting my husband mind and heart to be cast out. And in the name of Jesus let the unclean spirit of lying be cast out of my husband. And in the name of Jesus I close that door that was open to let the devil into my husband’s life with the blood of Jesus so that the devil cannot renter to keep him in bondage.
Sister, we are in constant spiritual warfare. So much that I would like to share with you. Seek a pastor at your church, read the Bible and pray earnestly. Be like David in the Bible who is after the Lords heart. Be after the Lord’s heart. Don’t chase after a human heart who will disappoint you. Be after God’s heart and he will give you peace.
God Bless You. As I wrote this I was praying it for you and your family. In Jesus name AMEN
My husband lies to me constantly. Even when I confront hin, he figits and lies. I can usually tell when he is lying, but it is over finances, gambling, or drugs and I know there is a huge problem. Even when I ask a direct question, he still lies until I confront him with a specific problem that I have uncovered. I am sad, frustrated, hurt, devastated… I am a loyal and faithful wife…
I have been married for almost 11 years and my husband lies all the time. I have confronted him many times about it and I’ve told him that it hurts me and that I can’t take it anymore. He lies about everything and anything… I’m at the point to where I think the only answer now is Divorce… I don’t want to put our 3 kids threw it but I can’t live like this anymore. I’m a good wife and I have always been there for my husband. I told him that we should go to counceling and his exact words were “I have better shit to do with my time” somebody please help me to know what I should do!! Thanks
I am very sadden by your husbands response…… But that answer is not indicative of a saved soul. What if you just let him lie? That is what I am about to do…… I am going to let him lie. I have 5 beautiful children I don’t want them to go through a divorce so I am going to suffer and carry my cross I am going to trust my savior:) I am going to push through and not worry about his soul or my trust anymore! I have no personal rights here on earth the only thing we deserve is death. I am done wasting my time and energy on his lies!!! I am going to enjoy my children and enjoy the fake husband I have I am not going to get involved with the business anymore, I will not get involved in spiritual matters with him, I will do all the discipline because I don’t want my children to be spanked for lying when the person is a liar too!! I still have needs sexually so when I want it I will still get it. I am not going to hold his sin over him anymore it has been 12 years of this stuff. I am going to let it go if I find out he lies again after today? I won’t even confront him. I just wont be stupid anymore, I will not bvelieve a word he says, BUT i will still honor him! I will do as he asks and I will burn hot coals on my enemies head. I LOVE MY HUSBAND more than anything on this earth and I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY CHILDREN but GOD is way more important to me and being a single mom will distract my focus from the Lord and also distract my children from the Lord too!!! I hope this helps maybe we can do it together! as of right now NO ONE knows he is a liar except the children:( and I want to keep it that way!!! I may go to the church I may not it just depends on what the lies are! BUT please protect yourself if it is sexual sins and Please please understand if he is cheating pride needs to be set aside and you have to fight fire with fire! Be HIS mistress win his heart. I know this is radical and I may get flack but the LORD is way way way more important and having children that feel secure is better for the LORDS army!!!
Your response is very similar to what two christian counselors told me. It’s very hard to have that type of attitude though. It leaves you feeling empty and defeated. I went through counseling two years ago and the entire time we were in counseling, my husband was still up to the same antics. He likes to flirt with women all day over the phone. Usually via text and has also tried facebook. He has even met at least two of them outside of work with his single best friend. He’s a manipulator so he doesnt call it meeting or a date. The other people just came up there, he says. But he also lies about it. I have to find out much later that it actually occurred. He does it with people that he works with and we work for the same company. I have never been able to prove physical cheating, but emotional has always been there. He also will continue to try to been friends with these people after I find the flirtatious text and just claim that he has stopped the act. Now he deletes his text messages and doesn’t use facebook. The whole thing is so stupid, it just blows my mind. I’m trying to follow your course of action. I think its the Godly thing to do. It’s hard though.
I totally understand…I am too a loyal and faithful wife and mother and friend….it hurts so bad especially when you sacrifice your needs so your whole family is satisfied…even when i do not uncover things, circumstances are brought in front of me like fate…makes me feel again and again the bitterness that my spouse causes me…swallow after swallow putting on my happy-carefree face so i won’t cause a commotion once again….it gets tiring…i have been married 22years, two lovely children, the last five years have been hell mentally….
Maria, is this what you really think God calls you to? To put on a happy face so you won’t cause commotion?
Emma, thank you so much for your reply. As I read your words, I could feel the power in them. I, too, have been dealing with a husband who lies. He is very charming, and a lot of our acquaintances feel we have the “perfect” marriage. I have to be very careful of what I say around him because he twists everything I say to his benefit. He uses these things to tell other people how mean and terrible I am, including our kids. I asked him once why he tells stories and exaggerates the truth, and his reply was because it is fun. I have been asked by more than one friend why I stay with such a jerk . Another friend told me last summer he knows my husband is mean to me. If I left him, this would just convince my kids I really am the bad person he makes me out to be. He has them so convinced. I confronted him about an emotional affair he was having one time, and he blew up at me. I will be praying this prayer you wrote. Please pray for me. And to you others who posted on here, thank you so much for your courage to do so. It helped to know I am not alone and you understand. Lets continue to pray for one another
I am glad I ran across this website. It has given me confirmation and help at the same time. My husband has lied to me too many times, about the smallest thing to the biggest. He lies in my face even after he knows I have seen the whole thing. It really hurts to know that after 22 years he still feels he needs to lie to me. He watches pornography and act like its nothing even after I complain about it. As I look back I realize that he has and may have been lying to me longer than I can imagine. I realize that he does have a problem and all I can do is confront him and keep on seeking God help with this situation. I have been less intimate with him and didn’t really realize that maybe this is why. Thank you for I was able to get this out of my system. It’s no all out but I know how to handle it a little better. God bless!
Thank you my Lord in Heaven for you beautiful women! I am going thru this all, and as I have read your posts, I have felt hope and renewed peace. Whether my husband does right or not, I know that as strong women of Christ, we are always all out there fighting together and that I am not alone. That is perfectly normal that I do not want him to touch me when has been worshiping the false pornographic idols and that his web of lies and hateful remarks are not right. That I am beautiful, and we are all always Christ’s brides forever. 🙂 Thank you ladies. God bless you and keep you.
You could not have said it any better!!!
I can relate to the lying. I have been with my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children and he has 1 from his previous marriage. I have caught him in lies and he chooses several methods to try to wiggle out of it. Either he will say so what, or he will get very defensive and angry, or he will deny it. Depends what the lie is. Right now we are going through money problems which does not add up because we have not spent any money (at least I haven’t) on anything in a long time and he makes a good salary. If I or the children need something he says he doesn’t have the money, but when he needs something he buys it and then says he found the money. He is the only person I know that finds money all the time. For at least 10 years I have asked for him to give me the password to the bank account so I can see how the money is being spent. He gets very angry with me and said that I can look at the checkbook anytime. This is just one example I can think of right now, but like I said things don’t add up. For the past 8 years I have become more and more detached from him. Every time I want to become financially independent we end up moving or something happens. I think sometimes he purposely has me live on a very expensive island away from family so that he can have more control.He has even told me when I start working that I will have to take the time off from work if our youngest gets sick because he makes more money than me. Last year she was sick a lot! I used to think I could change him, but I have given up on that. After our first child was born I started to see his relationship with his first child (14 at the time). I asked him if we could go to counseling and he said that if i thought I needed it he would take me, but he wasn’t going because he didn’t need it. That was the red flag right there. I should have left then, but 18 years later I’m still here. I need answers and guidance. There are days I feel like giving up, but I love my children too much for that.
Honey he probably has another child
I had similar financial concerns, and it turned out, my husband was secretly buying cocaine…like $1000 a month on it. Look for ATM withdrawals!
I have been married 2 1/2 years and we have no children. I knew when I married him that he told little white lies. We’ve known each other 15 years. I never thought it would be anything big, but I found out he spent a hefty portion of our small income on narcotics. I feel so devastated. I’ve talked to him about lying in the past and have told him how it makes me feel. I’m scared to think our marriage may be in trouble. I probably will schedule some counseling. I just need prayers. My heart hurts so much right now. I don’t want to be dealing with this problem 20 years down the road and after 3 kids. I don’t ever want to even utter the D word. Anyway, please pray. Thank you ladies and I pray for all of you with similar struggles.
Kristen,
I have prayed for your peace of mind and the same for your husband. I also prayed your safety. Narcotics in the picture can bring danger. Be safe and be blessed.
Hi Kristen. I am in a very similar situation. I have been married for barely 8 months and it has been the most emotionally draining journey of my life.
I had doubts before we were married but my dreams of having a happy family of my own were way too strong for me to cancel the wedding. He lied to me before about narcotics and just a month after our wedding, I caught him doing it again.
He also lies about the little things and it really frustrates me because he always promise that he will change for me and for our future children.
I don’t want to raise kids in this kind of environment. I have been seeking God’s wisdom and I do want to get out of the situation but I know the biblical truth about marriage and separation. I am torned. Do I let go before we have kids and drag them into this kind of life? Or do I hang on, pray for him? wait for 20 years and hope he will change? I am so confused…
If you don’t leave you are looking at your future. Look at these stories. Do you see any hope? Any changed husbands? God loves you. He brought you here to this page to show you before it’s too late. If you stay do not have children. Living with a liar will destroy you piece by piece. Your children will suffer for it. Ours do. Leave him.
Do not have children with this man! Sharing children with him will be the most heartwrenching thing you will ever go through…and for 18 years for each child.
RUN!!!! NO KIDS!!!!
I can really relate to the lying my husband does it all the time I don’t know what to do anymore we have 5 children and I don’t want our children to have to deal with our divorce because my son who has a speech delay is really close to him. I have given up on him and it frustrates me how he can lie to my face especially when I already know the truth.I sometimes get so angry and explode cause he’s always telling me how he’s going to better himself and he’s going to do this and that but he never does he is just the most wonderful person around his family and co workers but that’s the fake him and at home he is nothing but a liar and some timer but I guess it’s true I need to worry about myself and change my ways and better myself I’ve lost all hope and for my children I will continue to put up with the lying and fake person his actions are what has me wondering does he really love me but like I said am going to better and make changes for my kids and me and will do whatever because he gets after our kids but hes such a hypocrite but am done with giving in especially for a man that lies and cant keep his word and it hurts but hes said he’ll change for years now but I see the same lying person all the time I hope God gives me the strength to keep going
My husband has lied to me for years. We have been married for almost 16 years, and have one child. I come from an upbringing where lieing is completely unacceptable. He come from an upbringing where his father lied and still lies. Each time I have caught him in a lie I have been devistated. Last October, he chose to involve our child in his deception. This completely changed things for me. I do not want my child to grow up thinking lieing is acceptable, but if I continue to stay in this relatioship; am I not sending the message that lieing is ok? I have withdrawn from our relationship, but still treat him with respect. I have never allowed another to hurt me as bad as he has. I feel as though I have given my word, but feel as though this relationship is destroying the values I have been instilled with.
I will be married 40 years this October. I married foolishly and I knew early in the marriage that I had made a major mistake. But as a Christian I couldn’t just throw in the towel. I had to at least try and I did for 37 years until I just couldn’t take one more lie. After the kids had grown up and had families of their own, I thought that the lying wouldn’t be such a problem, but it got worse. He is an alcoholic and drug addict, and physically abusive. When I met him I knew he smoked a little pot but so did a lot of people in my generation. I did not foresee the destruction of his addiction and the poison his behavior was to my love for him. How can a person have a relationship with a spouse who has a hot temper, who is a control freak, and constantly lies? We have counseled many times and the lying was part of his tactics in sharing with the counselor. We have done marriage retreats and he makes commitments that he doesn’t follow through on. I am almost sixty years old and whatever time I have left on this earth I hope to spend doing positive things. I am done spending all my time, energy, and sanity dealing with this man who does not see the destruction of his behavior. I do care for him and have a loyalty to him. I have been separated from him for over three years and have no desire to encourage any other romantic interest. That is why I left without seeking legal counsel, but I kind of shot myself in the foot by doing it like that; he has spent a lot of money and sold many things and cashed in his retirement and let our medical cancel. If I would have used the services of an attorney he would not have been able to do these things. Now I am at a strange place in life without a job, without good health, and without financial security, but I feel so much peace now that none of that matters. I don’t have to deal with his temper, his lying, and his drug use. I would rather be homeless on the street than have to go back to that insanity of married life with the man. I was 19 years old and I chose foolishly, but I made sure I only had the two children with him. I wanted four kids, but when I realized that my husband was not good marriage material, I took precautions to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. He was physically violent with me often and the oldest child still has nightmares from seeing me pulled around by my hair and having black eyes and fat lips. He didn’t beat on the kids but he was rough on them. My sons don’t have a relationship with him although I have encouraged them to try. I point out the good things in him but he continues to destroy relationships with his lies. The boys are also sick of it and now that they have families of their own, they feel no desire to bring him into their lives. He is going to die a sad old man because of the choices he has made. My relationship with God is good and I don’t feel convicted with the choice to leave him. I am not sure how I would feel if there was a chance of having a relationship with a real Christian man. That is probably when I would feel convicted, so to finish my life with just me and God is wonderful. Life looks so great in spite of the uncertainty. I believe that staying until the kids were raised worked for me. That way there was not the turmoil of sharing the kids between households or having step parents who might not be Christian. My boys understand and they wondered why I stayed so long after they left home. My answer is that I wanted to try to make the marriage work. My kids are 35 and 39 so they were well out of the nest by the time I made this major decision. I pray for all these women who deal with husband’s who live out side of God’s will. Each situation is unique. But keep this in mind, when Adam and Eve sinned against God he forgave them, but He did not let them back into the garden. And I can’t let my husband back into my “garden” either. That is the consequence.
Thank you Renee.
I can really relate to so much you have shared and your analogy to Adam and Eve and the garden really helped me.God bless you. I just told my story, but I don’t think it has posted yet. Merry Christmas
Your story touched my heart. It’s a tough thing to deal with, I know. I will keep you in my prayers. You are NOT alone.
I have been married for 9 years,with my husband and together for 1 year.For many years I have had to deal with so many things that I don’t know where to start.for hears my husband has been in and out of different jobs,weve never been stable.we have 4 children together,and I know he loves them,but im starting to regret the fact that ive married him.I am a house wife and have not worked in 9 years.When we had our first child he had a good job but then walked out on his job,and we ended up applying for housing benefit.when we were getting housing benefit he was not paying the rent with that money,and we ended up in debt to our landlord of 5000 pounds,so we were evicted.He had a permanent job,he got sacked,now that were living in our new home,were behind with rent again and may move out again.We have had big fights which were very violent,and im fed up.I have a bad credit score because he opened a phone contract in my name and didn’t pay the Bill,and he tried to open another contract in my name,and I told him never to open a contract in my name,and just a couple of months ago I saw mail come through the post in my name,and when I opened it,it was a phone contract in my name which he opened without my knowledge,and today im in debt,yet again.He never lets me discuss the finances with him,he once said im not a consultant.Some times he tells me that what he does is none of my business,and when I try to talk to him ,about certain things,i get told big deal.I always have to beg for money to at least buy my self a few clothes,in 6 years it has been a struggle for me to even get at least 50 pounds,to buy my self clothes.I als have advanced gum disease,and its been 4 years since I was diagnosed with it.I hoped that my husband would have cared enough for me to at least save money slowly for my treatment,because now I have to live with this disease,wiithout the treatment,and hope that I don’t lose all my teeth,at 33 years old.Im tired of this life of no stability,no money,no health,no romance,and no husband.
I am so thanksful for coming across this website. I have been friends with my husband for over 10years and now recently married. Only for two months. I did notice little lies when were in engaged.He would apologize and we would move forward. The day after the wedding the lies came in full force. My husband is know at work and in church as a wonderful Chirstian man who is a Deacon in church.He would be defensive, play the blame game, lie on top of a lie or say it is my fault for EVERYTHING if I catch him in a lie. I am emotionally drained in such a short period of time. When will it stop? The last straw was when he lied about talking to his ex. He texted her saying he missed her and love her and her child. Ivalue my peace and have not invested much. He has changed from a person that I love to a person who is a stranger. The crazy part is that his mother who is married for over 30 years makes excuses for his lies. This is a grown man who called his mom to convince me to stay in his life because he was caught. I can not believed I married into a family of lies. I feel so hurt,deceived, and betrayed. We went to counseling to realize that he is lying to the Pastor. I no longer want to start a family with him because he has an anger problem but do not want to give up. I have read the other posts and learned that we can not change them. I am going to focus on myself and my 15 year old son to better us and have God as the focus. I do not want to go through 30 years of HELL.
Dear Tra,
Have you considered an annulment? With no children and so short a time married, I would seriously consider it.
Thank you all for these postings. I have been married for 26 years to a man who chronically lies (and then lies to himself about being a liar). If I could financially afford to move out right now, I would. My boundaries have been muddied for so long because I have been taught that as Christ-followers, we should love and forgive (70×7). Then, because most of his lying is based on financial decisions, I felt as if I was only getting upset about material things. Further, I have excused his behavior because otherwise he is a “nice” guy. He is polite and kind to everyone he meets. He has no drug/alcohol/gambling habits. But I can no longer live like this!! I have reached the end. 26 years! I have always considered my home to be a safe haven but I do not feel safe emotionally and spiritually with him. I read something this morning: “Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Ok. Now tell it you’re sorry. Did it unbreak? Now you know how I feel.” Repeatedly. Even now, I am sitting here feeling guilty about wanting to leave…that I am unloving, and unforgiving…ugh…
Twenty six years is a long time. I was with my husband 36.5 before I finally had enough. I didn’t divorce so we are coming up on 40 years legally married.
There is no easy answer especially if he is a nice guy otherwise. My marriage had the chronic lying, in addition to physical abuse, and alcohol, pill, and gambling addictions. As a Christian I stayed because I know God can work miracles. But then something finally snapped in me and I just knew I had to leave. It has been over three years since I made that choice to leave a very destructive and dysfunctional relationship. My life has been so much happier even though my dad died, my husband let our medical insurance lapse, and I can’t get a job. Financially I am very unstable, but I wouldn’t trade the peace I have had these last three years for financial stability. I know there may be other people in my life who lie, but the one person we have to be able to believe is our spouse. Without trust in a marriage there really isn’t a marriage. I don’t regret the decision to leave, but I do think people throw in the towel too quickly on not so perfect marriages. Almost four decades of my life trying to make it work is enough. Whatever time I have left, I pray that God can use me. I have come to realize after all these years that enabling a liar seems out of sync with Scripture. And that is what we do when we don’t hold them accountable for their lies, or their destructive behavior.
Thanks Renee for your wise words. Enabling a liar does seem out of sync with Scripture and I agree, people do throw in the towel too soon on not so perfect marriages. In fact, there is no perfect marriage but honesty, faithfulness, and safety are some basics that are required to make a relationship stable and without such, it’s impossible to make it work.
I cannot say I am thankful that I have found this site. It saddens me to know that there are so many others out there feeling and going through what I am going through. I have been with my husband for 23 years now and it has been nothing but lies deception reversed blame broken promises he went as far as swearing he was not lying on my dead sons grave only to be caught. Like a few have specified areas of where the lies come in play like finances n such , we’ll here there is no specific area it’s in everything ! I do admit I have spent many years trying to fix him , and it doesn’t work. I say if I didn’t have children I’d be gone. I will say he is a excellent father just not even an ok husband . He has everyone fooled on who he is. I mean what kind of man is posting scripture on his Facebook page for all the world to see but smut talking in private chat n setting up encounters? At times regardless of the children I’d like to leave and financially I can . I got wise a few years back and went to college and have an excellent job so it’s not a financial issue to care for myself and children we’d manage . One major major thing is my children they are young and love their daddy a little over a year ago I wanted to leave I had enough , then we found out my daughter 11 at the time has a serious heart condition only 1 in 100,000 children get . With the devastation he was comforting and the husband I wanted but it didn’t last long. When someone tells you your child needs to see a heart transplant doctor I guess your whole world is blackanyway . So leaving him and that would hurt her so bad I couldn’t deal with it . I know I’m babbling and have so much more I want to say . But the one thing I have not heard anyone else say and I come to this often is when I’m fed up over and over and I know there’s zero respect for me I think to myself I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t understand it.
I have been married to my second husband for almost 19 years. This is the second marriage for both of us. We met in church shortly after both becoming divorced. (My first husband was physically abusive) He was singing in the choir when I first saw him. After the choir
sang, he came down and sat with me.
I really believed he was a wonderful man. His uncle is a minister as is one of his first cousins. He always professed to be a “Christian”. We dated for six years and were engaged for most of that time. Three months to the day after we married, I found evidence that he had been seeing multiple other women. Since he travels for a living it was so easy for him to maintain relationships with other women. I had NO idea! I trusted him like a child trusts a parent. I actually called each of the women after he denied it and found out he WAS having sexual relationships with all of them. When I found out I was devastated. We have had counseling several times. Every time I catch him in a lie, he triedsto turn the tables and blames me. He has the nerve to call me a liar. He lies about other women as well as other things pertaining to his job and his family. He blames his behavior on the fact that he was bullied as a child and made fun of.
He had an affair with a woman of a different culture last year. We went to counseling together at our church and separately. I am sixty-three years old and I have told him that was his LAST chance. Well guess what, I caught hin in another lie two days ago. This time about some family business with his brothers. He has no concept of how this affects me emotionally. This is so destructive to my self esteem. I feel all alone in the world. I have told him I do not want to go to my grave being all alone. I want to spend the rest of my life with my sole mate and best friend. I need someone I can trust. I feel empty inside. I don’t even have anyone I can talk to, thus I am writing this now.
I was given the name of an attorney last year when I attended a divorce and separated support group. I really don’t want to get a divorce at this stage of my life but I know he will never change. I can’t do this anymore. Please pray for me. I even think of suicide to get away from this.
Please call your doctor for help with your suicidal feelings. They are not to be ignored or minimized. I’ve known two people in a moment of total despair end their life and it was such a tragedy. You can find support and help for what’s going on – at least for you.
Today is my birthday…it is also the day after catching my husband lie to me, this time about communicating with his ex-wife. This communication has been going on for atleast two of the last four years of our marriage. One line in his email to her stated that they should not have ended their marriage. Like many others here, my husband has a great PUBLIC persona, everyone thinks he is the greatest guy. What they don’t know is that he purposely orchastrates this; does favors for them, always is kind and friendly to them. At home, I am at fault for everything from using too much electricity and water, to things that happened in my life over 10 years ago-when we were not married. He lies about everything-hides his phone, computer-we share NO finances. Thankfully, I am well employed and not financially dependent on him. We have no children. The biggest lie he ever told me was that he was divorced from his first wife when we married-he was not, and subsequently was charged and convicted of PERJURY. I do not want to divorce, but I am not certain that I can continue to deal with his lies that are turned back on me causing twice as much pain. Thank you all for sharing your stories…it helps to know that one is not alone in this horrible situation.
hi, I am so glad to have bumped into this forum. I am a 31 year old lady. I got married to my husband 15 months ago. when we met a couple of years ago, my husband was a great guy. even though we were dating long distance, I knew he was a Man of God. he was generous and loving. I knew he was my Boaz. but it was not long after I got married. month 1 he was already lying. usually about finances. he is quick to ask for forgiveness, but tomorrow he will be lying again on something different. when I confront him about it, he throws a fit. its only calm here when I don’t ask, or if he ignores me without me asking. I am afraid to have children with him. not sure if to leave. we have had much counseling from church, but nothing is working. we cannot afford professional counseling right now. it is too expensive. but I am constantly afraid that if we continue like this, I may waste all my prime years and not even end up married to him in the long run. he has not kept a job lately… he has been through five jobs in one year. guess all this explains it… we have moved three times in one year in pursute of new jobs. I am not working. have a disability. we live on disability cheks now because he is not bringing any money home. I am also afraid of going back home because I don’t want to face my big family with all the questions as to why I came back. it is so embarrassing.
Betty Alice, you illustrate the dangers of meeting someone long distance and assuming you know him well. You knew he was your Boaz but he doesn’t behave like Boaz but you didn’t realize it. Before you waste anymore time – (your fear) it’s time you implement some consequences for his deceit, his unwillingness or inability to hold down a job and fits of rage. One consequence is to ask him to move out or get help for these issues. If he refuses, then I think you need to think very seriously about whether or not to have children with this man because it will only get harder and your children will also suffer as you are. YOu are getting help together but I think right now he has enough things he must address in his own life to work on. Perhaps you do too, but I think marital counseling isn’t working because it’s not tackling the heart issues or core things that need to be addressed.
I have been married almost 26 years. My husband is active in church and actually is the music leader at our church. He is not physically abusive and as far as I know has not been involved in sexual infidelity. We have 3 children (2 are grown and one is in elementary school). He has a history of being financially irresponsible. He has never let me have a voice in any of our financial decisions. When we first married and for many years, he simply didn’t let me know about any of his finances. I have been the one with a steady job all these years, and the one to provide health insurance for our family. He needed to be happy and I worked steady so he could be self employed. 5 months ago I caught him in what turned out to be at least 5 years of lies. He took $45,000 which was set aside for our mortgage (and everything we had) and put it into his dying business. His business partner who was one of our best friends and like a grandmother to our kids knew about this the whole time. My husband knew that this was against my wishes. He lost every penny of the money. He even took my tax refund for year 2011 even though he had not paid in any income tax. I figured out what he had done and backed him into a corner until he had no choice but to confess. He apologized but there is no evidence of a “changed” person. This loss was financially devastating. He continues to operate a business that is losing money every day and despite my begging him to close it and get a job, he has not. He promised me that the business would be closed by the end of September and when that didn’t happen he promised the end of October, most recently the promise changed to end of November. We have no other savings. We are too old to make it back up and our house note is out of site. He has made a few other bad money decisions that I am not sure I would consider to be absolute lies, but they were definitely not up and up. If he would turn (truly repent) I would be willing to try to make things work, but he just wants to go on as if nothing happened. He “beat me to the punch” at church with a sort of confession while I wasn’t there, so now it is too painful for me to go back to church. I can’t explain to him why, but part of going forward for me will have to include a new church. He does not understand that and will not cooperate. He is playing the part of “super dad” and if we split up I don’t think my 9 year old will stay with me. The older kids are aware of all of this and do not trust their dad (though they do love him). I don’t want to ruin my little one’s childhood with exposing him to this truth. I am so sad and low and there is no happiness for me.
Teresa – it sounds like your husband’s desire to be self-employed and happy trumps everything else in the family. I’m not sure why you can’t go back to your church and ask for help holding him accountable to his statement/promise that the business would be closed but perhaps that’s your first step before exiting that church. It’s a tough time for you right now – things are crumbling – financially, martially and your church support seems to be gone. It’s important that you do what you need to stay or get healthier and stronger both for your sake and your sons sake. God will give you enough light right now for the next step. Take it and he will give you the courage for the next step.
The best way I can explain the reason for not wanting to return to that church follows: After I made him fess up, I missed a few weeks of church. This was partly because I felt so betrayed that I didn’t want to sit beside him in church. Also, he is the music leader and with my respect for him at such a low and for other ill feelings toward him, I didn’t feel that I could participate in a worship service where he was leading. Also, the fakeness of his image for the past five years really bothers me and I feel like everything associated with him was a lie.
In addition to that, I found out (from someone else) about the “confession” he made to the congregation, which was not fully correct and I believe it was a ploy to beat me to the punch so that the church would somehow “side” with him. Not that that is completely possible. In fact, one church member told me that no one at that church would blame me if I divorced him. Then again, I saw one of our church ladies at Walmart and she obviously turned her head to pretend not to see me. I think he feels that in their eyes he has gotten away with things. They told him that they forgive him and that is the right thing to do, but I think they made it too easy for him. For instance, I forgive him, in the sense that there are actually some laws that he broke with forging my name on a federal income tax return check and I am not pressing charges. However, with that forgiveness, I have not been able to offer full restoration. In forgiving him, I am giving him a CHANCE to make things right and treat me with respect. I am going to have to force myself to set a deadline where if I don’t see some glimmer of change then I will have to do what I really don’t want to do. I want the physical closeness that I could have with him, but will not give in and continue a life where I am disrespected, stolen from, not allowed a voice, lied to. What is so sad to me is that, biblically, I don’t think I am allowed to be happy with someone else. So, I will have to be alone.
Shellyann, I’ve approved your comment because your thinking represents so many in the church but I’d ask you to reread what you wrote and listen to the tone of your admonishment. You sound angry and scolding and just as judgmental and self righteous as the person who you are responding to. Please understand that you do not walk in her shoes nor live with her pain. You are also implying that children ONLY get damaged or hurt when divorce happens but I would disagree. Children get hurt when parents stay together and don’t follow Godly principles or treat one another well. Children learn what they see and then the go on to repeat those behaviors in the next generation. Yes our tribulations create Godly character and that is her goal to keep her eyes on Jesus not her husband’s wrongs but you know Galatians 6:1 says that when we think we need to admonish someone in a trespass, do it gently because we are also easily prone to fail.
I also think you are mixing up some very different issues. Yes forgiveness is undeserved. Who deserves forgiveness? We don’t that’s for sure, nor do those who sin against us. But trust is a whole other thing. Jesus did not trust people because he knew what was in their heart (John 2). And those he did not trust – he also did not have close fellowship with. When someone repeatedly lies to us, we cannot trust them nor should we. Yet trust is the very foundation of a good marriage – So she can stay together technically married, but she doesn’t have a healthy or Godly marriage without trust.
Thanks Shellyann for clarifying. I don’t think there is one “right” answer for everyone’s situation but you are right it’s not about our rights it’s about what is good, true and Godly. Sometimes that may be what you have chosen, and sometimes it might be a different choice. But forgiveness, is always the right choice, even if you cannot reconcile with the person because of safety or other issues. I agree, pride, selfishness and demanding our own rights and ways destroys families at home and in the church however, a family can be destroyed even if only one person in the family is being prideful, selfish and demanding at everyone else’s expense. We are not to be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. What “good” looks like in particular situations may differ but that is our goal – to please God and not ourselves.
I am glad to see that you responded to the woman who felt obliged to scold the other lady. I didn’t appreciate the way she came across at all. I’ve dealt with people like her and I believe people with her opinion offered in the way she did do damage to those of us struggling with severely harmful marriages. Her heart may have been in the right place but she came across very hurtful and self righteous. Those of us struggling with betrayal by the person who is supposed to be our earthly protector and help mate on this earth are in a tough place. Of course we want to please God. But to deal with fear and uncertainty in the one place that should be a haven away from the wrongs of the world is not where God wants us to be. Home needs to be where we can regenerate to face the world. My heart goes out to all those who continue to suffer in a majorly dysfunctional marriage.
I wanted to give an update on my situation. So, our little boy is 11 now, and I still have not divorced my husband. I continue to pray for him but am losing hope. My little boy and I found a good church. It turns out that when my husband “confessed” in front of my former church without my presence or knowledge, he was still hiding really big lies. No wonder I didn’t feel right about the immediate forgiveness offered by the church. I believe the Lord was trying to tell me that he was still hiding more. I remember telling my husband that what I was waiting for was repentance, or a new person. But he just coldly said, I told you I was sorry, I don’t know what more you want. Anyway, after finding out about the $45,000 that he stole from me, I begged him to tell me if there was anything else he was hiding. He promised there was nothing else. Then I found a credit card bill for $8,000 (overdue). I knew he had a credit card, but he always promised me that he was paying the full balance each month. At this point I got him to actually sign a statement saying that there was nothing else he was hiding. Then I ran a credit check and found a $20,000 credit card and a $14,000 credit card, both of which had been turned over to collections. Also, there were several small loan companies, some of which had taken him to small claims court. His landlord for his business had taken him to court for a few thousand dollars. Then, there were pages and pages of sales tax leins. When I showed him the credit report, the first thing he said was, “That is not mine”. So I spent everything that I could and his family helped him with some of it and we got all of this cleared up. He now owes a couple of siblings some money. Then, once again, he promised that there was nothing else. After that someone tracked me down at my office to ask me about an item that had been placed on consignment in my husband’s store, which my husband had sold and not given the person their money. This person shared several different stories that my husband had offered them about the whereabouts of the item, none of which were true. So, we found a way to pay half of the money and owe this person the rest. Then my husband promised once again that there was nothing else. Then I discovered yet another person who had placed something (I am talking about kind of large expensive items) on consignment, same story, he had not paid them. This time it was less than $1000. So we paid that one. He is still leading music at my old church. And my former pastor told me I have to forgive him. But I don’t think God asks me to be more forgiving than Him…and I believe he asks us for repentance (which I have never seen out of my husband). I just don’t know what to do. I have mourned the marriage and don’t think there is any resurrection for it. Although, still, if he would repent, truly turn, become a new person, I would be willing to try to make it work. He says he is a Christian, and I guess that is possible, but not likely. We live a couple of hours from any other family and I really need his help with my son. I would have to get a different job and uproot my son to get close to my family which could be a support system. The problem is so complicated. I am lonely for companionship. I am trying to keep afloat financially. I want to provide a stable home for my little boy. My husband doesn’t physically abuse us. I have prayed and prayed and two years have gone by since my first discovery. I am not sure exactly when the lies started, but maybe he has been a liar for the entire 28 years we have been married. I want to be patient, but life is so short. I am 51 years old and life is going away. I truly want him to turn, but it will have to be between him and God. That just leaves me personally in a bad place with no way out and no relief. I don’t even know what else he may be hiding. I wonder if the lady who was so critical of my first post still reads this.
I like your advice here. I have been w/ my husband for 21 yrs, married for 12. We have 4 children because we have been relatively “good”. We get along well and are good friends. He is completely comfortable with lying. I have consequently turned into some kind of paranoid detective. It’s crazy. In the past he has lied about little things and I’ve heard and seen him lie to others when it’s not even necessary. I have found some big things that cause doubt. I don’t believe he has actually cheated.
I can no longer trust my own judgment. Some days I think it’s not a huge deal but coming to lots of these message boards and blogs, and I can see it IS a MAJOR deal. I do not want to be hurting and in this same position 10 years from now. Heck, I don’t want to be in this position 10 months from now. What makes this hardest is my husband has sworn he is changed. He looks me in the eye and tells me he’s being truthful. But so many lies piled up in the past make it very difficult to believe anymore. I can’t imagine my life without him. At all. And clearly it’s not really living to be constantly doubting every word that your husband says. I *think* he’s a good person at heart. I just don’t “know”.
I’ve contacted a counselor, hoping to get some independent objective insight and advice on at least finding my own confidence again and maybe getting him into counseling with me to see if we can save our marriage.
I’ve known him since we were teenagers – I know exactly why he is this way. I love him anyway. It’s so hard to know the right path forward. I have prayed for God to change my heart and trust in my husband, or for full knowledge if he’s not trustworthy. God is so far leaving this for me to sort out. Or else I keep seeing signs and rationalizing them away?? It’s an ongoing battle. Hugs and prayers to those who are going through the same.
You can love someone and still not trust him or her. I’d encourage you to work on getting strong, clear and healthy yourself. I think when you feel like if you had to, you could implement some tough love, you’d be more clear about what is your next step.
Two years ago I found flirty emails that were sent to and responded back by him. One was from a peer and had been going on for 12 yrs. the others were from 2 different students that he had help complete their doctoral degree for a 2 to 3 yrs period of time. We have been married 44 yrs . We have had an physically abusive marriage with 3 grown children. He teaches at a Christian college and is greatly respected by all that know him. I was beyond devastated when I accidently found the emails. It has destroyed my trust. He says he has stopped all flirty emails and I believe that. The problem is his peer is still sending him flirt emails. He denies she sends him the flirty emails. He does not answer back with his flirty responses but I cannot understands why he lies to me about her sending these emails. He turns me into the bad guy and becomes defensive. I do not want to be detracted but I have found difficulty.
I am up at 6:00 a.m. and have been praying for God to help me with my husband of 47yrs.. We just had an episode of his telling a lie and deceptive about something he was doing. We have 3 children all who have been married. Two who have gone through divorces and had married liars and manipulative people. My youngest son is still marriage, but he struggles with spending money on lottery tickets. He’s lost his house in the past and he and his wife and two daughters had to live with us for 9 months. He now rents an apartment and I just pray he is not spending money on gambling and putting his family first. Like many of the ladies above, my husband has always put on the persona of the hero. He is a retired police officer. He always is admired and looked at as such a nice guy. He worked in electronics when we were first married and then after about 5 yrs. was laid off. He took the civil servic exam and had the opportunity to take a job with the post office or the police department. Against my wishes he took the police job. He worked the night shift, took all kinds of overtime and was really never around for our kids. I felt like a single mother. I through myself into being the best mom I could be. Volunteer work etc. I ended up burning out and had to get into counseling because of anxiety and panic attacks. He has always lied, but he has a way of making people think he is kidding. Sometimes he will tease people about something and then days later tell them he was only kidding. I know is mother lied all the time in order to get things from his father. So he grew up with the constant lying. It has always been a struggle in our marriage. In the early years he was a drinker and always put the job and friends first. We both grew up with alcoholic fathers and eventually we went to Alanon and realized the patterns we learned from our families of origin. We changed many of the behaviors, but his lying has continued even after years of counseling and marriage retreats. I really felt when retired we would have a better relationship, but the lies are still happening. He has never cheated that I have known of. In fact he compares how faithful he has been whenever he gets caught in a lie. It’s as if he tries to minimize the lie with telling me what a good husband he has been. Right now it seems that every month there is new lie. He recently let a friend of ours use our electric acct. number so he could get a rebate on a hot water heater. He never told me about it. I found out when I was looking into us getting a new hot water tank. Then recently on a vacation I found out he lent my son a large sum of money and never told me. I handle all the finances, because he has never been responsible with the checkbook. All our money is direct deposit, so I can’t figure out where he got the money to lend my son. He owned up to the lie, but still has not explained where the money came from. The only explanation he has given me is that he had some money stashed, before we had direct deposit. But we have had direst deposit for years. I have actually prayed in the past and rebuked the spirit of lying that seems to be a generational sin, but he doesn’t seem to be trying. We’ve had marriage counseling for years and he is seeing a counselor now for his issues with A.D.D. I just caught him in another lie last night over something he hasn’t been doing with the care of our dog. I can’t understand how he can say he is sorry and then continue to do things behind my back. Each time I forgive and ask God to help me trust, it happens again. I am worn out. When we were first married he never defended me to his very domineering father. When our kids were young and he worked so many hours, when he was home, he played the “Candyman”. I always felt like I was the bad cop and he was the good cop. I’ve had breast cancer and am doing well now, but he really didn’t step up and give me much emotional support, when I went through my surgery and treatments. I went through a bad depression and through it all, he seemed very passive and distant. I felt like I was a bother and he was angry that I was nothing but a problem to him. I would have thought all that we had to face would have brought us closer, but he still lies and I feel has generated some of his sneaky behavior to two of our three children. Our son from Florida came to visit us a few months ago, and he said he couldn’t understand his brother and sisters negative attitudes and ungratefullness to us. He said he couldn’t believe they all grew up in the same house together. I feel behind my back, that my husband has talked about me and instead of defending me, feels sorry for my kids. He too is known by everyone outside the house as this great nice guy. I am just so hurt that after all the counseling, retreats, family crisis, health issues etc. that he still lies. I understand I can only change me, but how do I live with someone who I can’t trust. For me is brings back the Post Traumatic Stress I suffered as a child in an abusive alcoholic home. I never knew when the shoe would drop then and now 47yrs. into this marriage I have a husband who drops a shoe about every month. I too wonder what other lies I never know about. He professes to be a Christian and says his prayers at night, but he never reads the Bible or displays a need to deepen his walk with Christ. I have always been the one to initiate things. It’s so hard. Thank you all for sharing and letting me unload. Please pray for me. At 65 yrs. old I don’t want to get a divorce, but I can’t go on with the betrayal. Please pray for me as I will pray for all of you.
I’ve been following this blog for 2 months now. After reading Mary’s comment, I think I may call this quits. Everyone’s situation is different but it saddens me to read all these stories of men in marriages similar to mine but the same issue goes on for 40, 50 and 60 years. I don’t think God wants that type of life for us. He wants victory, joy and happiness for us. I’ve only stuck this thing out for 10 years and the absolute worst of it have been the last five. I can’t imagine suffering through this for decades. And what kind of example am I showing for my children by exposing them to this emotional abuse leading them to believe that it’s ok. I think I’ve gotten something out of this blog…I need to set a time frame and say when does it stop. It’s stops when I’ve had enough. Have you all really had enough???
I have been married 2.5 years to a man I’ve known since I was 17 and he has been a liar the entire time I’ve known him. We had time apart and there have been a lot of lies in our marriage. I’ve tried to tell myself we are meant to be but I couldnt take his.lying anymore and we have been seperated about 3 months. At first I did not miss him and felt at peace with him gone. He finally bucked up and got.another job to be more financially stable. After the first month we started going on dates together to start over. Unfortunately last weekend he lied yet again,the reason I told him to leave in the first place. I called him literally 46 times and texted 7 times between 2pm Saturday and10amSunday.I also tracked hi with familymap on the cellphone. He lied about what city he was in and when confronted continued to lie making up stories about leaving his phone etc etc. When c fronted he continued to lie even though I had evidence. My heart broke again. I told him I wanted a divorce because I am obviously not.worth enough to be told the truth. He is untrustworthy, I doubt everything g that he has told me over our delegation,fear for std, and just really dont like him. I love him but I don’t like that all. I.don’t respect him, he is a halfway father letting g hismom raise his daughter. I have let my son get close to him and regret that relationship. I told.him this is his ,last chance and if he doesn’t want to.deal.with my constant checking in or him checking in he needs to stay away. I don’t feel i can ever trust him. He broke the trust all over again. I can forgive him but dont feel like he deserves to be in my or my sons.life period. My son is 11 and needs a role model who is positive. I feel for you who have dealt with this dishonesty for decades. I am 33 and have a lot more in my life tosee and do. I am worth more than his lies. And deceit. And further ny thing is he needs a car so what’d he do? Complete a loan app with my name as co-owner! Talk about selfish..he did t even ask me if I was ok with this. I only allowed it because he is lookin so sorry right now. His own mother wouldnt cosign,but that’s another story.
Anyway.glad I.found d this blog. I will pray for all of.you and hope you’ll pray for me. My gut is telling me to run to the court and get rid if him. I am so reluctant to give hi another chance.I would rather be alone than with a compete and utter liar. He actually disgusts me, I don’t even want to look at him! Please pray for me, I.just need peace.I feel like this is a sign to just let this go and focus o my son and career. Any advice is welcome. Thanks
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am 33 and have known my husband since I was 15. Or so I thought. We’ve barely been married a year. I thought he was the most trust worthy person in the world..he was actually my best friend for a couple years. When we began dating it went downhill as I found out about a ton of lies and even more other women. He was in the military and we weren’t married so there were always opportunities for him to sleep with whomever he wanted. Though undeserving I gave him chance after chance to act right. It would seem he would for a short period of time but after a few months I would find out that even when it seemed he was doing right by me he immediately went back to doing what he was before. To make matters worse j ended up being pregnant with our first child and his lying continued. I decided to keep my son even though clearly I would be a single mom with no in home support and go just focus on graduating and raising him. Well of course he weaseled back in my life with promises of fidelity and honesty and starting a new life while stationed in Germany..although reluctant I was excited about the thought of us being a complete nuclear family and starting over in a new country. The infidelity is now a thing of the past however he still lies about periodically reaching out to people that he has slept with before we got married financial goings and even simple things like whether he’s called his mom this week. The fact that I never really gave another man a chance while he was sleeping around before we got married and the fact that we have fallen out so much since my son and I have been overseas makes me question whether or not it should have happened in the first place. I am also disgusted with him because of the sheer number of lies and even more angry with myself of accepting this behavior for so long. Hate you’re going through it but selfishly glad I’m not alone..
I found a great resource for dealing with people who repeatedly lie. It’s meant for people who work with children but I’ve found it works for adults too: http://www.loveandlogic.com/p-661-childhood-lying-stealing-and-cheating-mp3-download.aspx
I have been married for 20 years to a liar. If only I had known how much this would have affected our family… I would have cut my losses and left. I would have asked the Lord to forgive me and moved on. The first time I figured out how deep his desire was to insist on a lie when ‘caught red handed’ was two years into our marriage. Most recently, his 15 yr plus porn addiction ( that i am aware of) has seeped into our 10 yr son and now we are scrambling to help this child. When my husband was busted for his lies about viewing porn and how his refusal to be honest about still viewing it and thus not seeking professional help which has led to it finally being discovered by our child, after two days of being hammered, nailed to the wall, counseling sessions being setup, phone calls to hotlines being made he said, “There is a story…it happened to me when I was five!” The conversation between he and I went back and forth and his goal was to make me think that he had been molested as a 5 year old boy, which somehow led to a porn addiction so that I would have false compassion on him and let up on the pressure to insist he get into to counseling, install video cameras in our home, pointed at the PC, install porn blockers that, when disabled shut down the entire system and for the system to be restored, (also available for smart phones, tablets, etc) the accountability center has to be contacted, they have to speak with the wife and he has to explain why he attempted to disable the system.I knew he was lying about the molestation, so I said ” I know you are lying, I will not be decieved, it is disgusting that you have to make this injury to our son about you to the point of sick and disturbing lies, I am going to tell all of our relatives, our Sunday school class, small group members, all of our married couple friend, our pastors, and all of your friends about your addiction, about how you have covered it up for years and refused to seek help, how is has affected our sweet child and your pathetic con-artist’s atttempt to derail efforts to finally get this problem solved by trying to invoke sympathy from me with a vile lie of how you were molested over 41 years ago. I left and when I returned I asked him to give me details of what happened to him when he was five and he replied, ” What are you talking about? I found a playboy magazine under by dad’s bed when I was five.” So, he lied again to get out of the lie he had just attempted to tell just hours prior to avoid exposure. By the way, anger is a classic avenue that they take when being found out to add smoke and mirrors to keep from sticking to the issue. They’ll bring up your faults and talk about how you are not perfect and try to think of lies that you have told in an attempt to minimize their behavior. Of course now, all of the plans are still on the interventions we are planning. I will offer that, exposing their lies ( no matter humiliationg it may seem to have to openly admit that you are married to the liar of the universe) is one way to smoke them out. Don’t do it vindictively though. Remember the goal is to help a very sick person. It may seem embarassing, however if they end up with enough help to turn things around then it is worth it (co-write a book about your trials and victory to help others afterwards) and if you end up divorced then it will not be a surprise to anyone who knows you two, their wil be no explainations needed on your part and you will know that you did all that you could possibly do to heal the situation and will not regret that maybe if you had just told someone and gotten the help you needed. There is focus on the family and family life today. They can both be found on the internet and contacted by email or phone for lies, porn all sorts of issues.Oh, and by the way I strongly disagree that a married woman should disengage verbally, emotionally, physically, or intimately as a means for leveraging her position. It will not help at all! Naturally the distance occurs but, she should not make efforts to ochestrate that distance. Not coming together sexually with her husband is no fix and she is not required to try and prevent pregnancy either. None of that can be substantiated by anything in the Bible. If anyone knows the scriptures the please list them and be careful about giving advice of the “common sense” nature which doesn’t leave room for the LORD to work miracles. I have read numerous books, been in scores of Bible studies, been in individual counseling, been in marriage counseling with my husband for three years straight the last time, we attended a four day intensive, he has gone to anger management and been in one one one counseling as well. It has been hard and sometimes when things ‘flare up”, I wished I had left however, now I see why Paul said to rejoice in our trials and I still believe that God hates divorce and I believe that husbands and wives shouldn’t withold relations unless they are really need to do so, not as leverage. This goes for all marriages, “good ones and bad ones” maybe think about the fact that that scripture is more than likely speaking to people in bad marriages because if the times were good then, the couple wouldn’t have and issue to begin with in that area… May the Lord be with you all!
This is my first time go to see at here
and i am actually impressed to read all at one place.
I am so grateful as to have found this blog. I have read all of your experiences here and wish to say that I feel your pain and understand what you are going through. I am 40 and married a younger man, 25 to be exact. He is wonderful in all ways except for two he lies constantly, even about the stupidest things, and knows most of the time when I ask him about something I usually already know the answer but he lies anyway. We met online on a game, and have now been together 5 years married 4. My situation is even trickier as I have moved to another country to be with him and he is now trying to hold my daughter as leverage in our marriage. You see, my husband has a gaming addiction. He puts work, games and everything else before his family. And recently I have him an ultimatum either stop playing video games or I was returning home to my country (US). He decided to answer that with he wanted a divorce, no longer wanted to be with me and that I could leave but I could not take my daughter with me. Therefore I am now trapped. I am having issues with trust, naturally, even though we have reconciled and I can tell he is trying to do better, believe it not he told a small lie the other day and corrected himself in front of me and then told the truth. I was shocked. I also realize that if I want my relationship to work then I have to change things about me. My husband wasn’t alone in his sins, I had disengaged from him too, became depressed, basically became a hermit and questioned his every move. Now I have completely changed and am exactly the opposite. But I have such a hard time believing him and trusting him. His mother is his biggest accomplice they do things behind my back and then wonder why I have spyware on his pc to know if he has been up to no good. He has tried to divorce me in the past because she told him to. So, as long as we stay here he is under her thumb. When he was with me in the states he was a completely different person. I just don’t know how to deal with it, I have prayed and prayed. I have changed but to no avail, and now he and his mom have committed something akin to a crime and I have the leverage I need to leave. But my beliefs tell me that I need to work my issues out with him, to give my marriage a chance and I believe that God hates a divorcing. I am honestly still in love with him. Just not sure what to do. I feel so betrayed and so hurt and being in a country where you have no rights either doesn’t help if he threw me out (and he could) then I would have to go home without my child and fight for her. It would be a nightmare. Not to mention on top of all this I have daughters in my country (older) who I don’t even get to see because he thinks life is better where we are and won’t even hear me out about going home so I can be near my kids. 🙁
I have been married for four years to a compulsive liar. We have three very young children together. I have been in many abusive relationships, but when I first met my husband, I thought he was the sweetest man and that I had finally found a trustworthy man. After having our first child, I started noticing him lying about little, stupid things. I know he is insecure and lies because he has no confidence. So, I talked to him about it, but didn’t know the severity. Four years later, after many lies, big and small, my heart is completely broken and I can’t take anymore. He will lie about the stupidest little things like saying he didn’t go to the store when he did to big things like lying about getting off late when he was really hanging out with friends and drinking. He lies about things he has no reason to lie about. It is driving me crazy. I can’t trust anything he says. I have become angry, resentful, a private investigator, and even if he was being honest, I would never believe him. He has such a deep seated problem with this from childhood. I finally told him that either he can admit his problem, seek counseling or I am leaving. He did what he usually does, deny, got defensive and angry and insisted he didn’t know what I was talking about. I could have proof of his lies right in his face and he will never be honest. I left and I am trying hard to stick to my guns through his begging me to come back. I love him very much, he is a good dad and isn’t a bad person… but he still won’t admit he lies and won’t come clean about anything. He won’t even admit his emotional affair that he had a couple years back that he had because of his low sself esteem. My heart is so broken. I am going too crazy and am too stressed out by wondering what he really does or if he ever tells the truth. It is very sad that on all of the sites I have looked up, that there doesn’t seem to be very many success stories for marriages like this, but I can’t put up with this anymore. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. They have helped a lot.
I have been married for 5 years and started discovering the lies about 10 months ago when he was out of work and was lying about money, potential jobs and drug use. We seperated and his ex wife called me and told me about how he constantly lied to her and I found out a whole bundle of lies that he told me, plus snooping in his emails and searching his stuff. When someone lies to you, you start getting paranoid and I became a detective!
He treats me well, is very attentive and loving with me now has a good job, but he lies and I dont trust him and he’s financially irresponsible.We are going to put our house on the market and when it sells I’m out of here. I am not going to tell him until the last minute because he will come up with another lie to try to make me stay. I may just go on a vacation and never come back.
I found out almost a year ago that my husband was having an affair. it only lasted 4 months or so, but it hit me hard. I had no idea. what kind of wife doesn’t know what her husband is up to? My husband was doing it during work hours and not late at night or on “work trips”. It hit me really hard. I immediately emailed the woman he was having the affair with and her response was that I had been told so many lies that she opted not to read the whole email. Then she said that I needed to get my head screwed on straight if I thought my husband had not cheated on me before. You see, I knew my husband was a chronic liar, we even joked about it. I would catch him in a lie and we would laugh that he could not lie to me without me knowing about it. It was a joke between us! He lied about what he was doing, who he was with , etc. However, I never knew that he was having an affair! After I found out I began to question everything and he finally (after about 6 months) admitted to having had sex with other women for our entire marriage. I was shocked! I had no idea! Was he kidding me?? I had caught him in so many lies that I could not believe that I had not caught him in those! But I hadn’t. Apparently, you can’t really know everything! This information hit me hard! to find out that my husband had been cheating on me since the beginning of our marriage rocked my world to say the least. I don’t believe to this day that he has admitted to everything he ever did. I think he still has secrets that he is unwilling to tell me. However, he has been extremely repentant. He has been ther for our children every single morning since I found out ( the entire last school year) to make them lunches, get them dressed, etc. he seems truly sorry and like he is going to change. However, I do not trust him. what to do??”???????
To the people who don’t understand why some of us are married to liars even though it’s a living nightmare: when you have children with someone, the game changes. It’s not just my happiness anymore. I don’t want them to be split between two homes, and I don’t want to be a single mom when I know I would never make enough to provide for us. I am staying with my husband solely for those reasons, and I have told him as much. He has lied through our entire five years of marriage. We have been to counseling more than once, but nothing changes. I’m depressed, I’m frustrated, and at the end of my rope, but there are no options. That’s what people don’t understand.
Erika, There are options. And don’t be fooled that it’s always better for the children to stay together. You are not staying well. I respect a women’s decision to stay, but if you are filled with bitterness, depression, and resentment, you are not staying well. While you are staying, I would encourage you to prepare yourself for the time where you may need to leave.
Leslie Vernick – Can you continue to live with someone you don’t trust? I’m am grateful for this blog. God knows I need it. I, like some of the women here, have a good husband who is financially irresponsible. We have been to every financial seminar under the sun, and I know that there is something deeper going on with him because he cannot stick with the program to save his life, or even our family’s life. I actually left for three months to breathe because we had to move for the fifth time in our marriage. When ever we get things straightened out financially, he messes things up again. It’s like an endless pattern of self-sabotage. I can’t explain it or even wrap my head around it. I’ve been as faithful as I can be. I’ve prayed and fasted and sought counseling and even separated to clear my head and get his attention. I watched him change and really commit to our relationship, but he just won’t stop lying or change concerning the finances. We just filed bankruptcy. After almost losing his family, filing bankruptcy, having to surrender our apartment, and losing our cars, you would think he straighten up. We are currently living in an extended stay apartment with our two children. I’m trying my best to stick it out because there isn’t any drugs, gambling, or affairs of any kind. Yet, this morning, I find out that he has overdrawn the account again and had the audacity to ask me to write a check before his work funds hit the account. When I said we could wait another day, he looked at me as if I was crazy. Believe me, I want out of this hotel. I’m looking for work to at least have extra money to take care of the kids and me. However, every time I try to go for an interview, he does something to prevent me from getting the job. He wants to do it all and be the provider, but his pattern has been to provide for the moment and not for the future. He only lives in the moment, and no matter how much he allows me to take care of the finances, he disregards every goal we set together and ultimately sabotages any progress we make. I do love him, but I don’t know if I ever trust him. As soon as I try my best to build trust again and again, he does something else to crush it. Our kids think the world of him, and he is a good father to them. Yet his actions are why we are living where we live now, and I don’t think it’s getting through to him. He knows what he needs to do, but will not do it. Counseling has not worked. Even reading the Bible and praying with him daily has not worked yet. He has to make the choice to change for himself. So my last question is “As I focus on becoming healthy for myself, how much longer do I do this for the children?” The children don’t deserve being moved from home to home, especially now a hotel room. We won’t be able to get into another home until after the bankruptcy discharges and we save enough money to do so. Am I handling this right for the kids? I know the issue is not money. No matter how much he makes, he manages to mess it up. There is something deeper going on, and I believe the pattern will continue until he decides to change. I will continue to pray, but I’m concerned about the kids. I don’t want to walk away again if I am supposed to find a way to love him through this. Thank you for reading, and I will continue to pray for women who are living through the same trial. I do believe God knows and sees all and is the master of fixing the impossible. Just want to handle this the right way.
This is a serious problem which is going to continue to wreak havoc on your entire family. If you can work, or have your own separate bank account to manage the family bills that he does not have access to, then perhaps you can stay together and appreciate the “good” aspects to your husband but you would need to be strong enough to insist on that “boundary” and he would have to be willing to put his income into that account in order for you to stay together. In other words, until he does the work to figure out why he continues to spend recklessly, he will need to surrender the money to you to manage with him having no access for impulsive spending. He can decide perhaps to keep out $50 dollars for himself if you decide that together, but he does not have access to the account. Now hear me, this is not a decision YOU make by treating him like a child. But if he wants you to stay living with him, then it would be a boundary you have to set in order to be a good steward of the family finances and to pay your bills. If he won’t agree, then you may not be able to live together.
Leslie, thank you for responding. I’ve tried the separate accounts, putting household money in one account, and letting him have an account where he can spend as he sees fit. Well, he messed up that account, and started taking my debit card when I wasn’t looking. This happened just as recent of two days ago. He’s showing me that he’s not willing to change, and I am realizing that we will have to live a part. As much as I love him, he is not showing that he really understands how his recklessness continues to negatively impact the kids and me and our future. I’m working hard to get full time employment, save what I need, and then prepare for a future with the kids and me. I’ve given him 12 years to change, and now I’m living in a hotel room because he won’t change. It’s time I do what’s best for the kids and me. Thank you so much.
I ‘m so glad I came across this page. I have turned it on my self and I thought I was the problem. Because he turned it on me and told me I make him not want to tell the truth. I am a Christian and my husband has a bible study in our home every Tues. night. He says he is a Christian but he actions tell me other wise. We have been married for 25 years. I have been dealing with my husband lying to me everyday. I am just beside my self with how he lies about everything. He has had this one couple that has been his friends for years. The woman calls my husband all the time and tells my husband all of her problems. They apparently don’t like me, because my husband was going and telling them about our fights in the beginning of our relationship. The other woman’s husband hardly ever talks to my husband and he does not care if his wife calls my husband and tells him everything going on in our relationship and theirs. I have told my husband this is inappropriate. We have been to counseling and they told him the same thing. Its inappropriate. he continues to lie to me and talk with her all the time. I have reached my limit. I am trying to decide what our Lord wants me to do. I am disabled and don’t work so this is a hard decision to make. Thanks for all the information and knowing I am not alone.
I’m so glad you found this blog.
I am so saddened to hear so many stories of broken relationships and families. I almost feel bad that it makes me feel better that I am not alone in my suffering. In addition, it is almost surprising to read my own account of the years I have spent living with someone who continuously betrays me and our children. Unfortunately, when I began a relationship with my husband over 18 years ago, I was not living my life for God. I married him knowing full and well that he was an alcoholic. A little over 4 years ago, I gave my life to Christ and through his strength, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself and for our children. Over the next few months my husband quit the drinking/drugs and started attending church with me. He later joined AA and became an active member. I thank God every day that he refrains from that poison however, just last year I discovered he was filling his mind and heart with a different kind of poison. I discovered that my husband was viewing pornography and entertaining thoughts of having an affair after the Lord placed a heavy burden on my heart to check our FAMILY computer. This is the computer that our 14 year old daughter was using at the time to complete her school work on. Let me also add that about 2 years ago I decided to return to college, at 48 years old, to pursue a degree as an occupational therapist. It was during one of my most challenging academic semesters of going to school full time and working full time, that I discovered what my husband was up to. I confronted him about it and at first he was angry. He was embarrassed but I think he was more angry that he got caught. We went to some counseling and we have been working through it slowly and with God’s help I have forgiven him. Unfortunately, here I am in my last semester of college, and now I have discovered he again, has been viewing unsavory material. When I confronted him he minimized it by saying that it really wasn’t porn (b/c it was “soft” porn). I am sorry to be so blunt but he has a fetish with hosiery. I do have to say that at the beginning of this semester in August, I prayed and asked the Lord to reveal to me if he was doing something he shouldn’t be and apparently I discovered this just hours after he viewed the material. I am not sure whether I should feel sad that I am really not that upset this go-around. I am more disappointed and unsure of my future with him. I do believe that God has given me a peace inside that He will take care of me no matter what happens. I do know that I am not willing to live with someone who continuously lies, apologizes and then returns to the same destructive behavior. I don’t believe God would want me to invest my time and love into someone who refuses to change. Where we stand now is that my husband has agreed to meet with our pastor. He went to church with me today and spoke with our pastor to set up a meeting for next week. He also agreed to hand over his phone. We now have only one computer (a laptop) in our home and I have a password lock on it so he can’t use it (sad, I know). I don’t know what God has in store for my marriage. I do know that God has given me grace and so I am giving that same grace to my husband, yet another chance, to make things right. I am not sure how many more chances I have left in me though. I pray for God’s heart in this and that I make the right decisions for myself and our family. May God richly bless you all.
Grateful for this blog…
Dealing with same issues for 15 years with broken promises of change. Only God can, I’m trusting that we all are strengthened to go through and do his will.
Dealing with lying for 4yrs, putting his grown kids and family before me, never meaning what he says then expect me to take an apology and move on, No I will not I’m not here to see how to make it work he ruined all chances of that with lies, I have physically detached now I’m working on emotionally detaching so when I tell him to leave I don’t won’t the back and forth stuff, please pray for me to get strength real quick to move on,
Please help me. I am married to a deceitful husband. He promised me over and over again that he will not write any more checks and has ruined our finances. His business was a failure, and I have been paying for it for years. He stole $35K on credit cards in my name for his construction business. I had to borrow money on my retirement to clear my credit. He has spent in excess of $50K from my salary to pay debt. He admitted to me 8 months ago that he has a gambling addiction and promised not to ever do it again, but money still comes up missing on a regular basis. We area behind on filing our taxes, he will not give me the paperwork to handle the tax return. I am so hurt and angry that he steals from me that he will not take authority and responsibility of his addiction. Everyone we know thinks he is a good husband, but I hide the truth. I pray, cry, and am so depressed. We argue daily, because he tells me he will not write another check, but then it happens again. Deceit AND lies. He and I attend church, but he does not discuss openly his convictions or humble to his faults. I want to leave him.
My heart goes out to you. Your situation shows that our understanding of our marriage commitment as Christians is detrimental. Pray like you have never prayed before! I stayed with a man for almost four decades in spite of physical and emotional abuse. His lies were constant, and his multiple addictions ruined everything. As a Christian I thought that forgiveness and staying no matter what, was what God expected of me. Then after yet another “relapse” into his world of addiction, lying and abuse, circumstances seemed to fall into place for me to leave him. That was five years ago. Losing me didn’t change his behavior although one would think from his opinion of himself that he had changed and he blames his behavior on me saying he wouldn’t have done certain things if I would have been a better wife. I used to fall into his verbal traps, but now his words are just noise. He tried very hard to convince me to come back home, saying that he was clean, but I constantly caught him in lies, and his behavior indicated he was still using. I have so much more peace now that my life is no longer centered around his chaos on a daily basis. However, I didn’t seek legal help for a long time, and that was a mistake. He has gotten himself into trouble financially and because I didn’t have a legal separation in place, there are liens against us. I have since filed to protect myself from further responsibility for his debt. I know that your husband’s sin choices are sucking the life out of living just as my husband’s choices did. You are not capable of solving his sin issues. I used to think my love would be enough to direct my husband toward God. I wanted to focus on others as a team and there were times he was convincing, and played the Christian role well even running a ministry for awhile, until that fell crumbling to the ground. You can not bring others to the foot of the cross if you are all used up focused on a spouse’s pile of debris. I now know that my idea of marriage and commitment was not reasonable. Staying in a situation like that is more damaging than an affair, and the truth is if he is cheating on you with funds, then he has probably cheated on you with women. There are people who are constant users. They are like chameleons with the ability to fit in according to what they can get out of people. He has no hunger for the Lord and if you are always there, you will continue to be a source to feed his addiction. His behavior is criminal and you are allowing him to break the law because he is using you as a shield. People like him are narcissistic and do not have the ability to love anyone but themselves. God can work miracles, but usually not until a person has hit rock bottom. Just as I did in my marriage for so many years, you are preventing your spouse from falling even if unintentionally. I know it is hard, but you need to make a plan to leave so that if at all possible, he will see the damage his behavior is doing to his life. You don’t need to say anything, just do some research and find a place. You can go to the court and get the paperwork for the legal separation and file it yourself so that any financial shenanigans after that date you will not be responsible for. In our state, I was just as responsible for debt he created that I didn’t know about even after I left. Ignorance is no defense against debt liability when it comes to a marriage, and the only protection is a legal separation which will help protect you from the filing date forward. There is a filing fee but it will be worth it. What I didn’t do and wish I would have was taken the money out of the joint accounts and put it into accounts with my name only. That would have protected the money so that bills could have been paid. My husband took thousands of dollars out with no accountability as to how it was spent. I left most of my belongings behind and five years later I find that most of that material stuff I did fine without. If I needed to replace something I looked at second hand stores and ads. Life is so different now and I am still legally married, but I did file for legal separation. That is still pending. I have no desire to remarry. Once I get our finances worked out I can live whatever life I have left working with children and being a listening ear to other women who married addicts. God be with you as you travel this road.
IT’s always wise to get legal counsel if you separate for this very reason.
I am so sorry. I have no advice as your story is almost identical to mine and I feel bound to stay and make the best of it. But I wouldn’t want my daughter to do the same if it were her. I will pray for you every day. It is hard to believe that our church going husband’s are saved. We all fall short of the glory of God, but to live in that lifestyle is different. My husband and I occupy the same house. Since his family and Facebook friends don’t know the truth he has a life on Facebook, communicating with people who don’t “have his number” so to speak.
Maybe you shouldn’t believe they are “Saved” Just because they say they are.
I’d no idea so many women were in the same boat! I’ve been married for 40 years to a clever man, a scientist, who has always lied to me in day to day life. He sees no problem with small lies (no the shop was shut) or huge ones. I find it soul-destroying. Yet he has always had a different more ethical way of dealing with his own family, his employer, his students. It’s as though some men reserve marriage for all that’s worst in them. I do love him and care about him but sadly have no respect left. I should’ve done something years ago and am saddened that it’s too late. My own fault. I’d certainly advise younger women to try to resolve this sort of problem with a partner. It poisons a marriage otherwise.
You are telling my story! I have been married for 27 years and it’s a roller coaster!
I love him, but I pray and pray and after 27 years I don’t know what else to do! My hope is this. The lotd
Are you women for real?
First to the woman who posted the query
You and your spouse are clearly immature
How irresponsible is it in this day and age to have unprotected sex or not use birth control?
I know exactly what your problem is….you don’t want to be alone.
You’ve had four children with someone who doesn’t respect himself, which is a huge red flag to the reader that you have none for yourself either.
Religion has no bearing on this at all….
If you don’t want to spend the short life you have in a constant state of suspicion and paranoia, then take the tough road.
Get a job, a new place for you and your children and begin a new life!
No it won’t be easy, if you want easy stay with the liar and shut up about already….but if that ounce of self respect you might have left is lingering anywhere, get off your arse and do something!
As to the English woman who’s husband can’t / won’t hold a job….you get one….YOU look after YOUR children.
Rgds
A woman who loathes weak minded women!
And I loathe selfish women who think their own happiness is the only thing to consider in a situation that involves children. Also it isn’t “irresponsible” to have unprotected sex with your own husband.
I gave my life to God when I was very young. I had my time of rebelling. But I eventually surrendered my life. I met my husband as a young adult. He said he was saved. And over the years he has shown just enough “fruit” that I believe him. He is a mercy . He had his own time of rebelling before we met. But has never shown any sign of being unfaithful. He chastens me…typically. But only once I give up giving him a script to keep from making me dissapear. And only when he becomes lonely. We have been married almost 16 years. We have 3 children (14, 13 & 12: boy, girl, boy). I have my own issues, habits and weaknesses. But I am always honest & transparent. It took many many years to get him to even communicate at all…and it only happened because I was ready to leave, stay seperated and just never divorce. We have gone to family, msrital, individual counseling many many times. By both secular therapists and pastors, other trusted older Godly married couples, books, workboons, seminars, etc. He was emotionally abused as a child as was I. My parents were ministers. And truly loved me but they too were very broken. His were on staff at his church and served as well (we didnt know eachother at all growing up). We had very long talks before deciding to get together. Deep spiritual talks, etc. He does not use illegal drugs. He served in the military. He does not drink except on special occassions. Sane with me. He enjoys church…but easily drops it if I stop agrressively pushing. This is the dynsmic for every single area. My oldest has severe mental issues. But he appears somewhat normal in public. At home it was hell. I became seriously ill about a year ago. My birth defects and genetic mutations began to express dramatically. The stress of my husband being completely untruthful about every single petty and important thing under the sun and being in complete denial this entire 16 years…and the stress of trying to care for my special needs son and other 2 children while my oldest son grew bigger, stronger and more unsafe…and also adopted the sane chronic lying and denial mindset as my husband…while every single person in my life (except that of my father – my mother is a clinical narcisist) saw only his amazingly charming, kind, slightly shy and extremely affectionate side. And I have been told by others my entire marriage (when I go to a select few I trusted in counseling and spiritual authority) that I am exaggerating it becayse I am under stress and suffer from lack of sleep (remember I am very ill). And that no matter what, even if it were true (and they always remind me they do not see any of it) I am still to be vulnerable and encouraging and honoring and respectful and to not take control and to trust him. I do trust him as far as infidelity goes. But my 2 typical children (being fully aware I am not exaggerating and saying so to me when they see me at my wits end) are the only ones who see it too. And we have faught so hard to not only stay sane all these years…but to protect his reputation because with zero crack of ever acknowledging his problem in this area.. we are concerned he cannot help it. And although intelligent, functional and able to excel in work…are concerned it would still not change anything if I did leave and it was exposed. And we are concerned it would wound him so deeply he would become suicidal. Because outside of this major relationship destroying habit…he is a very loving and upright man. This seems to literally be he one flaw. But it is one that is driving me and my children literally to emotional insanity. And yes we still go to counseling (ny children and I). And I still focus on my own relationship with God, Holy Spirit and Christ ny savior. I communicate with them almost every hour of every day. I am mostly bedridden and unable to work or collect disabilitu due to never being able to really work long term. So I have nothing but time on my hands. And clinging to my Father is what has kept me alive. But my children’s signs of emitional trauma and skewed mindsets and such are only growing more and more obvious. They are very smart and spiritually wise beyond their years…still…because I KNEW…in this crazy thick deceptive and alienating environment it was the only thing I had left to do…instill GOD’S TRUTH in them…constantly…intentionally. Because I knew what they were up against and I knew how it can literally drive even the strongest and most spiritually nature loved on to the brink of insanity. I even began using my calling…shepherding, teaching, truth telling and edifying others by using my crazy testimony (outside that of this isdue) with the world. I was determined to not allow Satan to win. He has tried to take me out hundreds of times. I refuse. It us all God. I am not deceived. I can do nothing without The Father’s Spirit in my life. But even with droves of people coming to me for counsel, prayer and encouragement and expressing their gratitude for my effective support….I face the dismissiveness, lying and teisting every innocent thing I do…from Him. We have good moments…when I am sedated and ignore his lying and denial and when I ignore how he does it to our kids who always walk away hurt and desperately wanting true relationship with him. But I cannot live sedated. And because of my genetic issues prescription meds cannot be processed and I do not recycle them and I becone toxic and my heart, spinal and immune issues become worse. Every bit if this has been explained to him hundreds of times. He doesn’t apologize unless I’m in the hospital or actually halfway out of state leaving him. Within days he us right back to where he was before. Literally. And no promise to be accountable or allowing me to hold him accountable to try and make it work is honored. And the emotional abyse and pointing fingers starts all over again and continues to spill over onto my children. But because we ALL love eachother and are devoted to sticking it out as a family (even my husband)…but there is no physical abuse…no one sees. I have lost relationship with everyone in his family, despite my extrme attempts to keep them. They are not emotionally safe either. The ones that are reject me and never respond to my attempts to comunicate. I don’t vent to friends who are lost or even most who aren’t be ayse they are too quick to suggest I leave him. I no longer have my church as we have been so deeply hurt by every church not understanding my son’s issues and no one returning ny own calls for moral support while I am ill and isolated. Every church we have attended. And I believe in forgiveness and never giving up on finding safe, motivated, intentional Christian community. But decades later…I still end up alone (regardless of how brave I am in initiating and trying over and over). But just to be 100% honest.. here…if I had my own source of income and a miracme of consisten physical support for once eith my physical limitations…I would live alone…share custody of the kids. And I know…as sad as it is…my marruage probably begin to thrive this way. And it is excrutiatingly sad. I do not want a divorce. I do not want to seperate for that matter. But what is the point in the sacrifice and suffering…if it is no longer even helping your children to an acceptable level. But none of that matters. Because I am not able to leave, anyway. I have no one else. And I will not leave this destructive situation…to simply reenter one with a relative (living with and depending on). And I am a very strong woman if God, intelligent, full of The Spirit and busy sharing Him and His gospel with others (even if only online). Yet, I am faced with all of this and the subsequent thoughts and emotions…every single day.
Wow! First let me say, some pretty harsh judgments tossed out anonymously.
Next, I found this blog post when I typed in the words “I am a Christian and love my spouse but he lies all the time what should I do” I appreciate what the author has to say and it’s kind of what I’ve been thinking and what I’ve been doing all along — taking care of myself. It’s not easy though! I was just hoping for some reinforcement and I believe that is exactly what I got here. My husband and I are in the second stage of life and we have no children together. We’ve been married a little over a decade I love him and he seems to love me. He just wants to do what he wants to do and he doesn’t want any accountability for it. I’ve been trying to find a “healthy” balance of allowing him to do whatever and also allowing him to experience the consequences that arise from that. Meanwhile, I am working two jobs and building a small nest egg for myself for emergencies. If the poop truly hits the fan and we lose our home, I’m sorry but that will be when I decide it’s time to fly the coop and he won’t be joining me. Unless and until that happens, it’s the lack of fellowship that several commenters mention here that is the primary result of our uneasy truce. He lies, and I know he lies, and sometimes he knows I know and sometimes he doesn’t. But he always seems surprised that we aren’t really close and I’m pretty tired of trying to explain to him that women don’t feel safe and cannot achieve any level of true intimacy in such an environment. If he hasn’t figured it out by now, he probably never will. I’m just praying that the Lord will teach me and show me what I am supposed to do with and for myself while I’m waiting. I don’t really expect anything to change with him so I’m just trying to take care of myself. Maybe someday he will care enough about our relationship to make real changes instead of the old apologizing, honeymoon phase, and then just going on as before routine. I will probably get your book.
Blessings.
I feel exhausted. My husband and I have only been together 1yr. I have only 3 rules in a relationship; don’t lie to me, don’t cheat on me, and don’t beat me. Presently, I am a stay at home mother. My husband will lie to me and say he’s working overtime but, come to find out later, he has really been at the bar. He says he doesn’t tell me because he knows I’m going to get upset and whine and ruin his good time. (He says and has said repeatedly that I ruin everything.) We have 1 child together he is 7 months old. I have tried to speak with him but he always makes me feel like the bad guy. I have asked him well put yourself in my position. And matter or fact tonight he said “if I was in your position I would be ready to go out with you and have some fun.” I do not drink and my husband knows this. Anyway, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think it will change. He used to watch pornography all the time, I gave up fighting that battle maybe I should give up this one too.
Honestly, I don’t believe there’s one answer that fixes these different scenarios. It breaks my heart to find that so many women are married to liars. I too am married to a deceiver. I put this question to all of you, as I have put it to myself, “when did you ignore the first sign because YOU wanted him so bad?” If I reach back to our first date or conversation on the phone, there was a lie, I heard it, my right mind felt that itchy tingle that I was being deceived, but like a deer caught in headlights, I was too love struck and swept it away. He learned at that very moment that he could have me AND lie to me because I let him. I silently gave him permission to emotionally hurt me because I didn’t speak up for myself. I allowed him access to a world I now hate and want to escape, but one I created because I wanted him to see me as non-confrontational, perfect, wife material..so much that I put aside my backbone and didn’t stand up for myself. So when was the first sign for you? What can you do about it now? It’s obviously too late to try and confront him now…so what do wives do with the monsters we created and how do we escape or adapt to the cages we live in? There are many solutions: divorce, just take it, keep fighting about it, ignore it, counseling, prayer…etc, but only you know as a person what solution will make you happiest. Maybe you try them all and whichever shoe fits you wear it? But whatever your answer, the bottom line is WIVES deserve to be happy too and once we all realize that, we can start our individual journeys toward healing and happiness. I hope we all find the solution and support we need to be productive and genuinely happy women. The world, our family, friends and even our lying husbands, need us healthy and happy…let’s show them what we go ladies! God Bless
Ive been with my husband for almost 4 years. When we got together I said my MAIN thing is NO LIES. I can try to make us work through anything but I cant handle being lied to. We have been married for 2 years this past May… I caught my husband in a lie 6 months before our wedding, and told him he better get all the lies out before bed that night because if I found out anymore we were done… he admitted a HUGE lie to me and it almost tore us apart. We were living together already and we barely spoke for almost a week… I prayed on it and talked to a few very close women who are like moms to me and they encouraged me to stick with him and trust he would change. A few months after the wedding he lied again over something stupid. Every time he lies I tell him the next time I’m done. He swears it will never happen again… then down the road it does. We are on the 6th or 7th time of this happening and I’m so done. I don’t have the strength to keep being hurt and I don’t know what to do. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but I can’t handle the lies anymore. I’m only 26 and we dont have kids and I’m terrified to have any with him and then feel trapped. He even admitted that he has believed me every time I said I would leave him if he did it again which says to me that he doesn’t value me or our relationship enough to not lie about stupid stuff. And I’m a FIRM believer if you will lie about small things you will lie about big things… I’m just so lost as to what to do. We also live in Florida now and all of our family and friends are in NC. I’m so conflicted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
How are you guys? –
Thank you. I totally needed to hear this. My husband is the same way. He lies about many things an i make excuses. It is definitely not okay with me and i can’t trust him. At all. Definitely need to work on rebuilding my relationship with God. Ever since i married him he has brought me down. I can’t live in idolatry with marriage definitely need to focus my heart on Jesus. Thanks for writing this.