Hello friends! September is a lovely month for so many reasons. One of those reasons is the month my sister was born! I have been learning more about trusting the process, and acceptance as I walk alongside Stacy through significant health challenges. Her move here to Arizona to live with me has been such a blessing. We haven’t been roommates since high school! She and I are facing realities we would never have chosen. I am discovering that acceptance does not mean I approve of what is happening. I am not pretending it makes sense, or calling something fair when it is not. Acceptance for me means I am beginning to see clearly what is and what was. I am choosing not to exhaust myself fighting reality or trying to force every painful experience into a tidy explanation. Girl! Some things do not make sense. AT ALL! Some things are profoundly unfair, and hard. Acknowledging these truths helps me stay present to this moment, receive the grace available today, and choose my next faithful step. I can do hard things. You can too. Instead of complaining and arguing with God, I am choosing to hold a posture of gratitude each day. I have enjoyed engaging with you all here on the blog and on social media this summer. These honest conversations, renewed awareness and radical acceptance have become an important beginning for anyone who has survived abuse, betrayal and disease. Not because what is happening is acceptable, but because healing begins when we are finally able to tell the truth about it. Perhaps you too are navigating a different kind of truth. Some of you are wondering if your situatioins will ever change. Others of you find yourselves asking the same question over and over- ‘Is he really changing or just pretending? Is an upcoming FREE workshop we are hosting on September 17th. Abuse impacts people sometimes for a long time. My friends, today’s question honors these tender thoughts and is from a woman who’s lived in abusive relationships for a long time, and has questions just like you do.

Today’s Question: What can I do to get mentally strong? I’ve suffered physical,
mental, and verbal abuse as a child and in my 2 marriages, and I’m struggling with seeing any value or purpose for my life.
Please any help or advice would be appreciated.

LeAnne’s Response: Dear One, I am so sorry for what you have endured. Abuse of any kind is heartbreaking. Violence in childhood and in two marriages has profoundly shaped the way you see yourself, your relationships, and your future. Your struggle to recognize your worth and value does not mean you have none, and your need for help does not mean you are weak, or defines you. The struggle is real. You have been repeatedly wounded, and those wounds deserve safety, support, and compassion. Domestic Violence affects everyone. Relationship abuse is ugly, especially when it comes from people we love. More than 1 in 3 women and about 1 in 8 men experience contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. I am so glad you found your courage and submitted this question. I want to take seriously what you said about struggling to see any value or purpose for your life.

Abuse can bury your sense of worth beneath years of criticism, fear, and shame, BUT it cannot erase the value God placed within you. I am standing with you today sister, as a fellow woman of worth. You are not alone. Before focusing on becoming stronger, take a moment to ask yourself this question: “Am I currently safe?”

Friend, Mental Fitness Matters! Mental strength begins with learning to recognize what is true, receive appropriate help, protect yourself from further harm, and take one responsible step at a time. You will not become mentally strong all at once. It takes daily steps in the right direction. Your next strong step may simply be telling one safe person, “I am not doing well, and I need help.” You started this conversation with me right here on Leslie’s blog. Way to go!

Mental strength is not about enduring more, becoming hard, or stuffing the pain. Mental fitness is all about developing the courage to face reality and protect what God has entrusted to you. You have taken the first truthful step already by writing to us here.
Healing after repeated abuse usually does not happen through one enormous breakthrough. It often begins with a few small, supported steps practiced over time. It does not happen in isolation.

God does not ask you to call abuse love, pretend evil did not injure you, or remain unprotected to prove your faithfulness. Too often, Christian teachings about forgiveness, submission, sacrifice and perseverance have been misapplied in ways that encourage women to tolerate destructive behavior rather than name it truthfully. Evil does real harm. Acknowledging harm is not bitterness. Creating safety is not rebellion, and establishing boundaries is not a failure to love. Scripture shows us a God who comes near to the brokenhearted and cares about truth, justice, safety, and restoration. Faithfulness to Jesus does not require you to disappear, endure patterns of mistreatment, suffer in silence, or call darkness light. You can forgive without pretending trust has been rebuilt. Dear one, you can remain tenderhearted without giving another human full access to your life.

Psalm 34:18 says: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

Take a moment to breathe that truth in… grant yourself what I call the pace of grace. You do not have to discover your entire life purpose today either. For now, your purpose begins with receiving care, telling the truth, and allowing God to restore what abuse tried to steal.

You are their glorious strength. It pleases you to make us strong.” Psalm 89:17 NLT

God is not asking you to manufacture your strength on your own. Thank you, for helping us all to remember an important truth today that we find in Psalm 73:26. When our own strength fails, He remains our strength and our portion forever.

Who is one safe, emotionally mature person you could contact today? Not to fix everything, but to walk with you as you take the next step?

First, borrow someone else’s belief in your value.

When you have been repeatedly mistreated, you may not be able to feel your worth right now. That does not mean your worth is gone. It might mean you need safe people who can hold hope with you until you are able to recognize it again. I invite you to circle back to God’s truth as you regain your strength. Let someone trustworthy remind you of what abuse has taught you to forget: You matter. Your life has value, and you are worthy of protection, care, and respect.

Second, find support that understands trauma and abuse.

You were wounded in relationships, and part of your healing will likely happen through safe relationships. Consider reaching out to a qualified trauma- and abuse-informed counselor, an advocate, a coach, a support group, your physician, a pastor who truly understands abuse, or a trusted and emotionally mature friend. Prayer and professional care are not competitors. God often provides His care through people who are trained, wise, and willing to walk beside us.

Third, begin noticing the messages abuse taught you to believe.

After hearing degrading, threatening, or critical words repeatedly, those messages can begin to sound like your own voice. When you notice yourself asking, “What is wrong with me?” gently pause and ask, “Who taught me to believe this about myself, and is it actually true?” You do not have to believe every thought simply because it has been with you for a long time. Learning to recognize an abusive message is an important step toward no longer allowing it to define you. Your experiences have affected the way you live your life, the way you make decisions, and the way you see yourself.

Finally, practice one small act of self-stewardship each day.

Eat something nourishing. Rest. Take a walk. Make the appointment. Tell one safe person the truth. Decline an unsafe conversation. Call someone who supports you. These actions are significant. Each one communicates, “My life is worth caring for.” Please share with me here what next step you are taking. I care about YOU. I am cheering you on. You matter.

Please do not measure your progress by how far you still want to go. Felt safety and mental strength are often built quietly. One truthful thought, one safe connection, and one responsible choice at a time.

Dear one, You are a woman of worth, growing in wisdom. A warrior, worthy of protection, care, truth, and nourishment. I invite you to take a deep breath, bring both hands up in full view and make a “W” Connect both thumbs together as your fingers point to the ceiling. Take a moment and notice your value and your worth. Then choose to believe it! You can return to this posture at any time. Insecurity and overwhelm will enter your thoughts, they don’t have to build a home there. They are terrible roommates. Thank you for trusting us with your heart.

Friends, you don’t need to share all of the details of your story to join the conversation. Simply tell us: What is one small act of self-stewardship you can choose this week? Your answer will encourage another woman to take her next step too.

P.S. It is very difficult to focus on mental, emotional and spiritual strength when you are physically mentally or emotionally unsafe.

If your hopelessness includes thoughts of harming yourself or not wanting to be alive, please tell a safe person today and call or text 988 (this is the suicide and crisis hotline) in the United States. You deserve immediate support, and you should not carry that pain alone. If abuse is still occurring, your first step is not to communicate better or try harder. It is to connect with someone trained to help you evaluate your safety and your choices. If you would like support assessing your level of safety, please know there are additional resources available for you: The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. This is a free, confidential resource and they are here to help and are available 24/7 here in the United States.