Happy Endings And Marriage Vows
Happy New Year! January is a time for new beginnings. Maybe you have defined some goals for yourself. Or perhaps like me, you have chosen a word for the year and have invited God to speak into your life in ways you may not expect. Intentionality is important in order to achieve true success. Starting off the year with a good plan will help you end the year well come December 31. In my time of reflection on 2024, I realized something got in the way of my previous goals. This year I am diving a little deeper into what is really holding me back and causing me to choose to live distracted and hold on to clutter. It can be challenging work to look into the heart and to get honest about motivations and driving values. I pray for you a strong start to 2025 that will lead to an overall joyous year.
Let’s start the year off with a bold discussion on a topic that affects many Christian marriages but is not talked about openly. So let’s go there. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Today’s Question: Does a husband who has accepted a “happy ending” at a massage count as cheating? Have the marriage vows been broken?
Susan’s Response: Thank you for this very sensitive question. It may be surprising to some of our readers that this is an issue affecting Christian marriages today. In my experience working with couples and individuals, it is a relevant topic that is causing harm to many. However due to the illegal nature of “happy endings” in massage therapy, accurate statistics are difficult to establish. According to information I found, the illicit massage industry is estimated to generate billions of dollars annually in the United States alone. Some experts claim it could be as high as a quarter of the overall massage service industry revenue. It seems quite likely that massage parlors offering “happy endings” are involved in human trafficking. This is a problem.
I don’t know what is behind the question you are asking or who you are asking for. Perhaps you are the husband in question or maybe you are a woman wondering about the integrity of your marriage. Either way, it is curious to me that the word “accepted” is used in the query. This makes it seem more innocuous to just accept something offered rather than seeking out an appointment at a business that would offer such services.
Both licensed massage therapists and certified massage therapists must operate under strict ethical codes. In most jurisdictions, those ethical codes prohibit sexual contact between the client and professional. Regulated, upstanding massage therapy businesses do not offer sexual services. Certainly given its prevalence, anyone could find sexual services being offered by doing some research or asking around. How likely is it that a mature, intelligent person just happens upon such a place unknowingly and is offered hand release for payment? Isn’t an adult male capable of resisting the temptation by saying no without accepting such an offer?
Marriage vows are promises of love, commitment, and faithful dedication between two willing people. While scriptural verses often inspire Christian wedding ceremonies and marital vows, there are no specific wedding vows in the bible. Each couple gets to decide what promises will be made. When you married, were you and your spouse intentional about your vows or did you recite words that were given to you by someone else? Was sexual fidelity part of your commitment to one another?
Throughout history, human cultures have attempted to reinvent and reshape the construct of marriage. People enter into marriage with varying expectations and through different expressions. Through a Christian lens, God’s unshakeable, immoveable intention for marriage is recorded throughout the bible. With careful study, we can know His heart.
Genesis 2:18 records God’s words, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him.” After Adam acknowledges the close relationship the woman has to him, God says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The man and wife were both naked and unashamed. God didn’t create women just so men are not lonely but more specifically to develop a partnership in the responsibility God has given humankind. In the beginning the relationship between man and woman was pure and God ordained.
There are themes in scripture about the purpose of a godly, covenant marriage. Those are, fostering procreation and the birth of new believers, the joy and growth that comes from deep, vulnerable intimacy, and the modeling of love through the marital story which points toward Christ and His church. We are meant to reflect the image of God and advance His kingdom. The marriage partner is to help you carry out the mission. The action in question, the happy ending by a non spouse, does not fit within the covenant of marriage.
Sexual integrity is an important part of creating a trusting marital relationship. In Matthew 19, Jesus talks about sexual immorality being a reason a marriage might end. He did not order divorce in cases of sexual infidelity, but because of the severity of harm, He did note it as a reason for it.
Matthew 5:27 reads, “You have heard that it was said, You shall not commit adultery.” What does Jesus say? He adds in verse 28, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Jesus looks at the heart and He holds us accountable accordingly.
To answer the question in one word, yes. The Christian covenant of marriage has been broken. Can it be repaired? This is a complex question that can not be answered in a word. Each couple must determine the outcome of such damage to the relationship and decide how to proceed. In order for the possibility for trust to be rebuilt, the offending spouse would have to do some deep heart work to assure that his offense would not happen again. Also, full responsibility for harm would need to be taken and a true apology carried out. Depending on the specific circumstances, the damage might be too great. Each person must decide that with the help of God. I suggest each get professional support and Holy Spirit guidance before making any lasting decisions.
Be Well!
Beloved reader, How has this topic of infidelity impacted trust and the sexual integrity of your relationship?
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Beautully and faithfully explained . Sin in the heart and imagination, carried out in secret places has a destructive impact on the marriage .
Yesssss!!!! ❤️
I’m still struggling to decide if trust can be rebuilt after my spouses’ infidelity and repeated offenses of sexual misconduct, lying and withholding information, verbal abuse and lack of choosing to “leave and cleave”, among other grievances against our covenant. I’m three years post-discovery and three years into a personal growth journey that has brought me closer to Christ than ever before but it is still difficult. I am now healed enough that God can convict me of my own sin and heart attitudes that don’t honor Him. He’s helping me take my eyes off my spouse (trying to figure out if he’s repentant or not and constantly judging his actions) and look at my own heart. I want so desperately for this marriage to be “fixed” and trust restored and I still don’t know that it will be or can.
Sometimes the pain in my current relationship is excruciating and I want God to quickly breakthrough and restore us or release me. But I haven’t sensed that yet; perhaps I still have a ways to grow. I am in the work of choosing to go one day, one step at a time, and put my trust, dependence and hope in God rather than in any person (spouse, friend, therapist, author, coach, pastor). I know that all of this pain is growing and maturing me, and I needed that, so I am grateful for it.
I feel exactly the same way. Ive been married for 28 years. My husband struggles with pornography. It used to be isolated incidents but becoming more often. He continues to fight, gone to counseling, therapy and 90 day treatment in a facility. The chains have nit broken. Im in that place of letting go. It was my understanding that fighting for my marriage was honoring God but don’t want my marriage and his behavior consuming my thoughts . That is putting my spouse first. But God also blessed us to become one and love each other. god taught me to love him through HIS eyes nit mine. I still love him very much. How can i stay when his behavior hurts ?
Thank you for sharing Rebecca. I am going through very similar thoughts and feelings….one day at a time….and holding on to my Abba.
I appreciate Leslie’s perspective, but there is more to consider. As a man who once struggled with pornography and has been to massage parlors, I speak from experience. Scripture commands us to “take thoughts captive” and not be conformed to the world. However, practically speaking, if a man’s need for food is not met at home, he will go elsewhere to satisfy the hunger. If a man’s sexual needs are not met, he will be tempted to go elsewhere. This is not meant to say the man is sinless for seeking satisfaction outside of marriage. But most women can but may not be using their sexuality to satisfy their spouse. If they were more willing, there would be less chance of the man looking elsewhere. Martin Luther said, “The third case for divorce is that in which one of the parties deprives and avoids the other, refusing to fulfill the conjugal duty or to live with the other person. For example, one finds many a stubborn wife like that who will not give in, and who cares not a whit whether her husband falls into the sin of unchastity ten times over. Here it is time for the husband to say, “If you will not, another will; the maid will come if the wife will not.” Some wives think they are satisfying their husband’s needs when they are not. If there is mutual willingness to meet the other’s needs, there would be less temptation to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage, whether emotional or sexual satisfaction. Many men’s sex drive works too well, and admitting this natural condition can be a source of shame and guilt. Perhaps an honest discussion about wants and needs can bring a healing. Condemnation, shame and guilt will not heal. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted, and many Christian men are brokenhearted due to lustful thoughts, shame, guilt and actions that don’t glorify the Lord. Christian men have no business going to massage parlors, but when they do, the threshold question is, “Why?” Though it may be painful, dealing with the “Why?” question may lead to a godly solution.
Yes, that is up to the husband to figure out his why. Why does he go to prostitutes under the fake cover of a message? If a man sees women as something to use, to self-sooth, to make himself feel better by abusing…. (YES, abusing – These women are trafficked in these message parlors!!!) You must ask yourself as a wife – is that the kind of man I want to have ANY kind of relationship with? Is that the kind of man that is safe? Yes, the “christian” husband does need to figure out WHY he is abusing women in message parlors, robbing his family of peace and finances, and ABUSING his wife and kids. YES, ABUSING his wife and kids. Let me say it again – ABUSING his wife and kids! Making your wife and kids live in a completely different reality than you is abuse. The lies, the deciet, the financial devastation… I am embarrassed for you that you would imply in any way that the husband’s abuse of trafficked women and the abuse of his wife and kids is any other problem than his own. It is HIS problem to fix. If your are a wife – this is NOT your fault! ABUSE is NEVER ok. Get safe, make a plan, take one day at a time. Jesus paid way too high of a price for you – HE LOVES YOU. Abusers love themselves – it is such a devastatingly painful reality. But mental health is facing reality at all costs. Please tell trusted people in your life what is happening in your marriage and get safe. You WILL get through this!
I think you’re missing the point!
He already figured out WHY he’s going to prostitutes… he is no longer getting the sexual union with his spouse so he’s seeking it elsewhere
Husband contracted STD from massage places…
13+ years with multiple women. I’ve tested negative twice, and I just don’t know if I want to continue with this kind of lifestyle. Input appreciated
Teresa,why would you want to continue at all?
I’ve asked myself that many times since July 15, 2022, when my heart was crushed. My faith in God’s goodness is very important to me, and believe everyone should have a chance to right a wrong.
We grew up together and I know his family history, which I believe has played a part in his behavior. I have set boundaries which he is aware of and know I have steps to take with God for my wellness.
Mental health is facing reality at all costs. Your husband has endangered your life, and may be continuing to do so. You only get one life. I hope you are able to tell safe people you trust what is happening in your marriage. You are loved!
I’ve been reading the comments here and I see a common denominator, the wife seems to not know why this is happening or that it came out of the blue
As a man I’d like to offer some perspective, of course it’s sinful that a man broke the covenant of marriage, it’s a sin against got and an offense to the spouse ! But I’d like to add that some men explain their need to their wives , pray, etc etc and the need is still not met at home , in this case it’s easy for the enemy to temp daily until one day when all the circumstances line up perfectly the man falls and yes it’s still the mans fault and the mans sin but the reason usually is not being able to resist living with a spouse as if she were a roommate instead of a wife
Ps: men need a sexual release daily in order to feel satisfied, if that seems off putting to the wife then why marry him in the first place ? God Bless