Navigating the Decision to Divorce in a Christian Marriage
Morning friend,
We had an amazing turn out for our webinar, Is He Really Changing or Just Pretending? I hope you downloaded your workbook and have been thinking about the questions I provided to help you discern change from pretense. We opened our doors to CONQUER, and they will remain open until Friday, October 17. If CONQUER is something you’ve been waiting for, today is the day. To learn more about CONQUER click here.
Today’s Question: How do I know if I am making the right decision to divorce? I get that we can trust God to redirect us if we make a “wrong” decision, but when it comes to choosing to divorce, that seems pretty final.
I have sought years of counsel. My husband and I were in therapy for years together, and I have not seen my husband change in the ways I need him to. I have prayed for the last year as I've taken steps toward divorce for God to show me if this is not what I am to do. I get the sense that I am still supposed to walk forward in this. But it gets complicated when I think about my husband's fragile physical health, the conservative beliefs I grew up with that divorce is never an option, and the part of me that made vows to him and never thought this would be my reality.
I think I am sad and I am scared for the unknown future. Any help that you can provide to give me guidance on how to approach making this decision, how I can view myself when making this decision and how God might view me with this decision is appreciated.
Answer: Dear one, deciding whether to end your marriage is never easy. If you choose to stay married because you feel scared of the unknown, you will second-guess yourself when you experience hard. If you choose to divorce, you will second-guess yourself when you experience hard and wonder if you made the right choice. Your confusion and fear of how God might view you, is concerning.
You did not provide any details as to what was going on in your counseling, your marriage, your husband’s unwillingness to change, or his fragile health issues. I’m sure that history is all relevant for making your next right next steps forward.
Underneath your fear of making the decision around divorce, it seems that your biggest struggle is the unknown. The truth is you can’t know the future. But as you grow more awake to life’s uncertainties you also are more tempted to fear. The good news is Jesus already knew that would happen to you. That’s why he calls us to abide in his peace (John 14:27). To remain in his love (John 15:9). To not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough problems of its own (Matthew 6:34). Only God knows the future, as human beings, we do not.
You asked how you might change the way you view yourself and/or God as you fear this next chapter of your life story, and the decision it entails.
First, ask yourself, “What might this decision regarding the ending of your marriage have to teach you about you?” Take a breath and reflect.
Without knowing you personally or anything more than what you shared, one thing you might learn is to humbly accept your humanity. God knows you don’t know everything. He doesn’t expect you to make perfect decisions. How could you? You’re a limited, fallible human being. That’s why he calls you to trust in him and not lean on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5,6). This applies not only in your attempts at making a good decision, but also in making meaning, finding value and purpose in places that may seem like “wrong” decisions (Romans 8:28). If it’s true that God uses all things for your good, you don’t need to live afraid of mistakes.
Below are two verses that bring me peace when I’m feeling that uncertainty of not knowing which path to take.
Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and guide you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” If that’s true, then why worry? The outcome is God’s responsibility. Our responsibility is to trust God. Walk in faith. Move forward in what we sense he’s telling us and if we’re going the wrong direction, God will show us. No shame, no pressure. No “Have to get it right or God will be mad”. What would lighten up inside your heart if you believed that?
Proverbs 20:24 “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” I love this promise because life doesn’t make sense sometimes. We think we make the right decision, and then everything blows up. It looks wrong or bad, but what if it’s right or good? How would we know? We don’t. Only God sees the whole picture from eternity’s lens.
There are many stories in Scripture where God’s servant was told to do something, and it didn’t turn out the way they thought it would. For example, God tells Ezekiel to go speak God’s truth, and the people do not listen. (Ezekiel can’t control the outcome), but God said to do it anyway (Ezekiel 3:4-9). And in another story, Elijah did exactly what God said to do, and Ahab and Jezebel did not repent as Elijah had thought they would. Instead, they tried to kill him (see 1 Kings 19). Please understand. Having a certain outcome is no guarantee of being in God’s will.
Second, what might this dilemma teach you about who God is? Friend, God loves you. As his daughter, he promises that he lives in you. He will never leave you. Daily he walks with you and there is no condemnation when you are in Christ (Romans 8:1). Even if you turn left when he wanted you to turn right, as a good Father, don’t you think he will show you?
When you can trust that, then the reality of “perfect love casts out fear” comes home in to live in your innermost heart. God doesn’t want you to live in worry or fear. You don’t need to angst about making the wrong decision because God is walking right next to you, he is in you, and he tells you that everything turns out for your good because he is your Father. You don’t need to live afraid.
What would feel different inside if you knew that with confidence? The disciple John said, “I have come to know and rely on the love that God has for me” (1 John 4:16). Even though John identified himself as the disciple that Jesus loved, he had to come to know God’s love beyond his theology (head), and more in his biology (heart). How about you? Even if you turn left and God wants you to turn right, do you KNOW that he will direct your steps forward because he loves you and you are his daughter? You do not need to live in fear of disappointing God or making the wrong decision if you are walking with Him.
So friend, I hope you see that whatever choice you make during this season God wants you to learn to live in his love and security, not in fear. Your next right step is to learn to listen and trust him, to live in His love and approval, not in your husband’s rebuke, or other people’s disapproval or disappointment of the decisions you make.
Friend, how do you navigate the reality of choosing when the outcome is uncertain?
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What encouraging and life giving words! They are bringing such comfort to my heart thus morning🙂. Thank you so much, Leslie.
What about all the other people who will be affected/hurt because of the decision to divorce? “Do not cause someone else to stumble?”
I would look into the context of that scripture. People have free will. We are not that powerful. Our marriage is between two people. We cannot control the outcome of how divorce will affect those around us. We can pray. That they have grace and forgiveness and their own healing towards the situation. Many times you’ll look back and realize the pain of it all shaped more of who God desires for them to be. Goodness isn’t birth out of things going well-often times the fire refines us. Ask God for confirmation with every step and don’t take it without his approval support and mighty righteous hand leading you. Everyone will be alright!
So stay married for your kids? What about what that is teaching them? Teaching them marriage is an idol. Teaching them to accept abuse. Teaching them a warped view of love.
I would say that if there is dangerous abuse or abuse your kids should not be witnessing, then you can take that as a sign for which path you should take. That decision will take a lot of courage. After over 30 years of sexual, emotional, social and mental and financial abuse (abuse isn’t always physical) I decided to stay. I contemplated divorce and actually filed 3 years ago. We’ve been in legal temporary reconciliation and professional counseling for a year now. I’m not positive I’m doing the right thing . But my 6 children are adults now. I’ve been very open and honest with them. I tell them I’d never want them to live with or tolerate what I accepted for so many years. But at 61 years old, even though I don’t see many changes I’d like to see in my husband I feel I can still live a happy and productive life by remaining married. It’s not the perfect situation. But I’ve become much more independent. I’ve grown in so many ways, especially in my relationship with Jesus.I feel I have the strength, with His help and love to stay for now and still have a blessed life. But if I didn’t feel this freedom and safety to stay, I also feel strong enough to leave. I n other words. I refuse to except or even think about others condemnation of my decision, whatever I may decide. One day at a time my friend. And walk closely with Jesus. He knows your true heart. And He loves you and will guide and protect you whichever path you take.No condemnation.
Teresa you are confusing a few biblical terms. Yes people can be impacted by what we do or don’t do. But that is not our yardstick to make a final decision. We don’t live for the approval of people, nor do we intentionally cause harm. God clearly says love does no harm. However, sometimes our decisions may “hurt” others in that it hurts their feelings, hurts their ego, hurts their plans, hurts their ideas of what they want from you. We are called to not live in the fear of people. Jesus disappointed people. Causing someone to stumble is entirely different than that. Causing them to stumble in the context of which it was given was being careful not to exercise your “freedom” to choose in a reckless manner in front of someone who might have different convictions. Such as eating meat offered to idols. Some might have had no negative feelings about it, others did. So in your freedom, don’t eat meat in front of those who might stumble. Don’t drink wine in front of an alcoholic, etc. It’s not saying you must never disappoint someone or do something they disapprove of or you will cause them to stumble. That would be impossible. Jesus would have been guilty of that. .
Interesting thought you shared Teresa.
I have a counter idea for consideration.
What about all the people that could be HELPED by the example of a woman living in the truth, gaining strength, and leaving an unhealthy, unsafe, or abusive marriage despite great difficulty?
We gather wisdom of “wise others”, pray, decide, and walk forward in faith knowing no matter what God loves us.
I needed this so much today!! Thank you so much Leslie as I walk through this dark valley of death!!! Love your ministry so much and it is such a blessing!!!
I agree. Sometimes it is not easy to follow what God tells you, based upon false understanding of the Word. I had a hard time, because I was raised that once married, God expected you to stay married. Little did I understand that there are times, abuse and protecting your kids, the still small voice was not thinking evil of the person. God was trying to rescue me and the kids.
Very helpful. I am 21 months into trying to negotiate a financial settlement with an ex husband who keeps moving the goalposts. It is exhausting and sometimes I feel broken and don’t know what to do for the best. The scriptures you quoted are reassuring of God’s everlasting, non judgemental love.
Wow! If this isn’t confirmation of what I have been praying for then what else needs to be done! Thank you so much Lord for using LV&CO for allowing God to instill so much clarity to a wounded heart. I am so grateful to God and you amazing coaches.
Wow, Leslie that is as powerful and poignant as one of your beautiful writings has ever been! And in God’s perfect timing!! Lord help me trust you completely and walk in the path that you light for me. Love & Blessings on this beautiful day that our Lord has made. 🙏🏻❤️
I was blessed by this as well as other’s comments. I am moving towards separation, but have this week entered a time of sadness for what I will lose. Thank you for these encouraging and helpful words.
“ God wants you to learn to live in his love and security, not in fear. Your next right step is to learn to listen and trust him, to live in His love and approval, not in your husband’s rebuke, or other people’s disapproval or disappointment of the decisions you make.” was exactly what God wanted me to hear. I thank God for His guidance of your words, Leslie. I , too, am in the middle of financial issues with the divorce process, receiving manipulative texts from my husband to ruin my birthday, as well as demeaning words from parents of my students (I’m a teacher). This “fire” of words from people coming from so many different directions is changing an internal perspective… the people pleasing side of me is warring against the need to keep God number one and priorities in the correct place. I DID struggle with making my husband an idol and realized it was wrong. The marriage took priority over standing up for what is right in God’s eyes and the need for my three boys to learn that the way their dad treated their mother does not allow for the marriage to stand. It became a house divided within itself. I am doing everything I can to be in God’s word daily, listening, and trusting God will show me the way to His truth and Light- even if and when the path is dark and curvy. God- I pray all these daughters of yours have a strong sense of your peace today and moving forward. May Your Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for this and the Holy Spirit is definitely being nurtured in you Leslie with such wisdom and the gift you have of being able to share it in such a deep but profound and meaningful way! I have more peace about making decisions with my situation and how you so gently but powerfully remind me I am Gods first and he loves me and I can fully trust him as I move forward not out of fear but confidence through him!! Thank you!!
I left an abusive marriage (as a Christian) 13 years ago. I felt alone I and afraid but deep in my heart I knew my Father was making a way for me and my youngest four children, to get away safely. The harm and cruelty and infidelity (and porn addiction) had gone on for years while I protected him and took all the weight on my shoulders. It was hidden from the church and only a closet few knew of my daily pain.
Let me be as clear as I can when I say that a loving Father would not want any of His children to remain living in pain at the hands of another. Scripture teaches us to flee sin and remove ourselves from those ..etc.
Dear sisters, you will know in your heart in that quiet time with your Abba Father what he wants for his precious daughter. Walk in faith of His love towed that and trust the details to Him. But let go of what you are trying to control in the outcomes. Peace comes from surrender.
I left everything to gain what I could not acquire and that is an abiding walk with Him and a testimony that He uses to sooth others wounds and give hope when everything looks so bleak. Our children need to see our faith and trust in action. Forgiveness is the journey you will walk; and it’s a long, long road sisters, but trust that the Lord is with you as you release everything to Him in a desire that your husband and children will know Him more and more. Nothing else matters than our love for others. That is how Jesus rolls. And love often means letting go…
Thank you, Leslie Your response helped me see I need to trust God more. . This is breaking through years of fear, based on his disappointment or disaproval. Often fear has paralyzed me It’s so powerful that you use God’s Word, combined with your formal and experiencial education to teach us. I also appreciate your compassion and commitment to excellence and to treat all with honor.
The timing of this message was nothing but by a divine appointment to me. I’ve been praying regarding my decision and direction about divorce. God’s been patiently helping me navigate in this process—such a weight I’ve been feeling on my shoulders. But today I let go all the burdens and trust God with outcomes. I know He loves me. I trust His characters. He will correct me when I head to a wrong direction. He will continuously infuse humbleness and faith in me to walk closely with Him, well-aligned according to His will, purpose, and pleasure! Thank you for this. And thanks to all who commented. Blessings
Ok sisters. I posted previously here but as I was driving to work I remembered something.
In the Should I go or should I stay book by Lundy Bancroft there’s a part where he makes two statements and asks that you listen to your body after reading each.
So here goes…
We think you should STAY with your husband.
We think you should LEAVE your husband.
I found this exercise very helpful. For me when I first came across this the “stay” sentence made my chest and throat get tight. My body was speaking to me.
I spent a fair amount of time suppressing my instincts and internal alarm bells. This little experiment had me listen once more.
Not sure others will find utility in it. Not saying we should only listen to “our gut” but maybe it’s worth considering.
Much luck and many blessings on each of your journeys.
Thank you so much! This is exactly for me! My body tells me very clearly what I tried to suppress for two decades…
Very helpful my sister!
Thank you 😊
Sisters, Have you found a way to move past the feeling of being paralyzed by fear when you need to take action?
I ask because that’s where I am now. I feel like a need to take one more step, and outright confront my husband about his addiction issues, but I just can’t seem to find the “ right” time….and I’m definitely fearful of the probable emotional storm that making any comments, much less confrontation, will cause.
I’ve very, very carefully communicated what a healthy marriage looks like to my husband. Without admitting anything, or taking responsibility for his past behaviors, he now seems to be “ trying” a little harder to be pleasant and help around the house. In the past, when I’ve brought things up, he’s tried to negotiate less awful behavior as a substitute for actually good behavior, and I feel like that may be happening again.
I find myself not believing that he’s changed at all, since there has been no acknowledgment of the harm he has caused.
I’m honestly tired of working so hard to try to communicate and create a healthy marriage.
I have tried to communicate, and I have grown to the point of realizing that I truly have no control over the outcome, or even influence over my husband’s behavior.
At this point I’m not whether I’m lacking courage, energy, faith, or even love…or all of the above.
How do I generate the courage to address the elephant in the room, his excessive use of alcohol + his refusal to be responsible for himself? Honestly , I’d vastly prefer an actual elephant!
Hi sister.
Not knowing the details of your circumstance I offer up a couple books (aside from Leslie’s wonderful work) that I found personally helpful in navigating my own not so nice or good marriage.
Not sure what will help or resonate. But maybe worth exploring.
James Dobsons Love must be tough
Harriet Lerners Dance Of Connection (anger, instance…all are good)
Harriet’s work helped me start to really define for myself what my bottom line was. What I needed. And what my deal breakers were.
I over functioned for years. And I found by doing so I was enabling the very behavior that was not ok.
It’s a journey. It’s ok not to have all the answers. Just keep seeking the “wisdom of wise others”. I found a lot of wisdom in a lot of books and it helped me understand and navigate.
I wish you blessings and strength. -Sally
Thank you, Sally! I appreciate your insight!
Good morning! I’m new to Leslie’s coaching and I’m so blessed that my counselor pointed me to her teachings.
I have known my husband for 32 years, met very young. Long history together. We’ve been married 20 of those 32 years and have now been separated for 16 months.
My husband abused drugs and alcohol severely throughout our relationship. At the early years of our relationship I also was addicted to alcohol. In 2002 he physically abused me for the first time, at which I had to be taken to the emergency room and he was arrested. Various forms of abuse continued. In 2005 I was saved and found my Lord Jesus, and a few months later we were married.
I truly feel the Lord parted my Red Sea the day I left, June 19, 2025. I have engulfed myself in prayer, counseling and church. Although I’ve known the Lord for many years, most of my life in Christ was oppressed by my husband. Since our separation, my husband has given his life to Christ, was baptized, has been in counseling, attending church, Bible study and in the word every day. I have seen changes. He’s completely sober, and his anger is healed. But, I find myself in this place; a place of realization that my husband’s salvation/new creation in Christ was never what I “needed “ to happen. Because now it’s here and I find it’s not “enough “. Instead I realize that I’ve truly been emotionally detached from him for several years and didn’t know it. I’m not sure that I’m in love with him or ever have been. I realize that the pain he inflicted upon me is so deeply rooted that I don’t know that I am capable of reconciliation as the wife I’m called to be. Yes, the word says that God hates divorce. Yes the word says that God heals all things. Yes the word says that upon salvation we are a new creation. But why am I struggling to let him hug me. I still don’t think about him or miss him or wonder what he’s doing or want to see him or know how his day went. And yet, my precious Lord has healed me SO much and I’ve come such a long way.
I ponder, do I know the answer and am in denial? I have not filed for divorce but I also have not moved back home. Even though he has shown change.
Where do I go from here? I seek the Lord day by day. I’m in the waiting . I’m closer to Him than I’ve ever been. I’ve fully surrendered my marriage. I’m confident the answer will come….but…
Hi Chrystal.
Leslie has a lot of really great information sorting through the biblical passages that are often misused surrounding divorce.
So does Lysa TerKeurst in Boundaries and Goodbyes (towards the back). Her Forgiving what you can’t forget book might also be a helpful resource.
Lundy Bancrofts Should I stay or should I go is excellent and helpful when evaluating just that topic.
Only you know the right answer for you. I will say no matter what your choice or route God loves you. And can use any circumstance for good.
Leslie’s material is so helpful in getting strong. Which whether we divorce or not least positions us to be healthy.
I wish you luck and many blessings.
I, so, empathize with you. Although I am still married, after 25 years together, I am so considering separation. I do believe my husband may change, become closer to the LORD, know that I mean what I say. But, the hurt, the rollercoaster of emotions, still exists. Even with counseling n prayer to ‘let go’. I am not sure that we can reconcile our marriage. I have ‘heard’ for years from GOD ‘love him back to health’. But honestly, all I feel (75 percent of the time) is ‘contempt n resentment’ towards my husband. I pray often for forgiveness, but is that enough? Peace comes when I am away from my husband. I have grown with the LORD. But, I have a long way to go.
I have been in a ‘sea of indecisiveness for years’, and I don’t have the answer. But, after reading many of these blogs, I believe GOD will guide us. I commend you on taking the first step of separation, as I am 62, facing the ‘barrel of 63’. Life is not over, GOD can work miracles, but we must move towards peace. Love that is GOD, Follow your heart with GOD’s leading. Community… keep ‘ knocking’.
Correction to my above. Separation was June 19, 2024.
Hi Chrystal,
I would also recommend Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, subtitled “ A step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship. “
For a wide variety of topics important to a healthy marriage…communication, respect, goals…the author describes various potential conflicts or strengths, asks a “ diagnostic question “, then provides guidelines to help you decide whether this reality validates your desire to leave, or your decision to stay. It’s incredibly clarify and helpful. There is no pressure to choose one path or another; it just helps you delve into, and think through, what is true for you.
For me, a critical concept was “ off the table-itis”, in Chapter 7, Talk to Me. It includes when your attempts to communicate are rejected over and over, not heard or received, to the point where you are discouraged from even trying; yet the ability to freely communicate vulnerabilities, concerns, and hopes is an absolute cornerstone of a healthy relationship. When your concerns are never his concerns…that’s “ off the table-itis”. Nothing can be resolved if it’s always “ taken off the table”.
Leslie also has many helpful teachings on the difference between forgiveness and reconciling, and why forgiving is something you do on your own; my understanding is that reconciling is never required or commanded in the Bible( although some religious leaders might disagree).
Only you can determine if reconciling is best for you, in addition perhaps to satisfying someone else’s wants. It sounds like you have worked very hard to heal; maybe ask yourself, in what circumstance do you feel at peace? What do you really feel, versus what you might think you “ should” feel?
God wants you to be safe, secure, and happy, and I pray you will find that path, whatever that means for you. ❤️
Thank you so much for the response and resources. I will look into them!!
Dear Chrystal,
I just read your comment above and was quite moved by it. I noticed no one had commented yet, so thought I might give you some encouragement.
I am at the end of my marriage with a husband who was not physically abusive as yours was and yet he was verbally abusive, insulting and cruel and his constant giving into anger and contempt during our much shorter than yours (5 year marriage) started to make me feel that there was no way that the Holy Spirit was choosing to abide in him any longer.
Some hurts and cruelty we don’t get over. Our bodies and minds have memories and some will never leave us and be constantly triggered by that person whether it’s something they say, or something that they try to do, like a simple hug. Forgiveness is one thing but trust is another. There are some people we might never be capable of trusting and therefore loving again. It is a good thing that your husband is now saved and starting on his healing journey, that will help him with the strength he will need no matter what you determine/decide to do. But as someone who has a husband who believes he is a converted Christian but who can also say the most awful, judgmental, condemning things in anger and with contempt and then insist that he loves me. I have chosen and realized that I no longer want his version of the “love” he has shown himself capable of. It is not love as I recognize it and know it to be. And this has helped me choose the path of divorce.
My thought is, if your husband truly loves you, he will want the best for you whatever your decision is, and he will and should respect it. He will have the maturity and wisdom to understand that you are only human and he has put you through hell and back. You just forgiving him someday for it all would be an amazing graciousness extended to him. But, as you probably know, forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget. Many things are impossible to forget. And ultimately your husband as a newly converted Christian should be attempting to love you the way Christ loves the Church and that is a totally sacrificial love. I am not a professional of course, so please forgive me if this sounds simplistic, but I am just trying to encourage you that your feelings are valid and real and it might take you many more months, if not years, to be able to handle his simple hug. Or, you might decide that you no longer want to be hugged by him and that is your choice as well. And through it all our Father will keep on loving you and guiding you and you will always be His beloved daughter. Wishing you peace and joy on your healing journey.
Lynda, my dear sister, thank you so much. Sometimes just feeling heard is all that’s needed, and you made me feel that. I completely resonate with being constantly triggered. And being triggered makes me confused as to whether or not I’m healing. But I do know that right now, I do not want any physical affection. I’ve lived the past 16 months feeling free, literally free from him. So free that I do not focus on the choice that still stands before me. I’ve never felt like I do now. And after a recent class I took, I for the first time feel like I am a new creation in Christ, ready to fully walk in the freedom of my salvation and live the abundant life He’s promised me. But then I struggle with the thought of divorce. My 16 year old son is struggling so much. He lives with his father and misses me deeply. I’m just continuing day by day, seeking God and what He has for me. I know one day I will know what to do. Thank you for all that you said. This journey can feel lonely. Unless you’ve been abused, no one knows the isolation, loneliness, feeling unseen and misunderstood. The church doesn’t always know what to do, other Christians don’t know what to do, but God! And that’s why I must be confident in how He leads me and it’s not about what people think. And yes, divorce is not an unforgivable sin. Completely grateful 🥹