The Loneliness of Appearances: Should I Still Go With Him?
Hello friends! November is a month of gatherings, warm lights in chilly evenings, community events, and holiday traditions beginning to stir. Yet for some, especially those navigating emotionally painful relationships, this season of togetherness can feel more isolating than ever.
Even as others make plans to gather and celebrate, you may be carrying a private grief, disappointment, or silence that no one else sees. If this season feels heavier than joyful, take heart. God’s love doesn’t overlook those quiet struggles. He draws near to them.
I want to encourage you to pause and notice what’s stirring in your heart this month. Maybe you’re longing for connection, yet also craving peace and distance from what’s been hurtful. These mixed emotions are not a sign of weakness; they’re an invitation to seek God’s wisdom in how you move forward.
Today’s Question: “When detaching from a lonely, emotionally abusive marriage, should I go to church and other functions with him? I feel so alone and dismissed. Almost ignored when I am with him. It’s painful.”
Susan‘s Response: It is painful to be ignored or dismissed, especially by someone who vowed to love you. You are not alone; I know many women have felt the pain of loneliness within marriage. As we move into a season filled with invitations and gatherings, I understand how difficult it can be to decide what to do and what to say when others don’t see your daily reality. I will share some things to consider, however there isn’t one right answer.
You asked, “should I go to church and other functions with him?” I want to invite you to pause and consider where your word, “should” is coming from. Oftentimes, women in emotionally abusive relationships feel trapped, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. They might believe that they are supposed to keep going to church and other events with their spouse out of obligation, appearances, or fear of judgment.
If you can allow yourself to get curious, what is best for your emotional and spiritual wellbeing? Give yourself permission to opt out of appearance for the sake of gaining some emotional clarity. It’s ok to ask, “What do I need today?” rather than, “What will make things easiest for him or most acceptable to others?”
Emotional abuse works to condition and oppress a person into believing they don't have choices or they are not capable enough to make wise decisions. An important part of your growth and healing is to reclaim your right to choose and to recognize your needs and limits as valid.
Boundaries are vital to developing a strong sense of self and recovering from emotional abuse. Yet they are especially hard to hold when in shared spaces with the destructive person. It can be deeply painful to sit beside someone and still feel utterly alone. Remind yourself that you have options depending on the circumstances and what you need. You could choose not to travel together. You could decide to sit separately at functions. You could decide to leave early if you are not emotionally safe. Boundaries are not about right and wrong or revenge and punishment; they are about making space for emotional safety, clarity, and dignity.
You are not unkind for holding boundaries or creating space for yourself. External boundaries are helpful but internal boundaries matter as well. You can decide not to allow others’ thoughts and opinions to dominate your experiences. You can remind yourself of your value and worth even when others don’t treat you with respect. You can take responsibility for your internal peace by protecting your heart from negative influences and perceptions. You can guard your heart above all else, knowing that everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23) You can create a life that is God honoring and satisfying.
Proximity isn’t always the solution to the ache of loneliness. Loneliness while in the presence of someone who has vowed to love and cherish you is different and sometimes sharper than the loneliness that comes from being physically alone. There is a difference between solitude (which is healing) and emotional neglect (which is wounding). Human beings were created for connection. Your heart and body both tell you that spiritual truth.
Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” We were created to support, strengthen, and lift each other up. When it is healthy, relational connection helps us thrive.
“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” -1 John 4:11 & 12. God’s love finds completion in our relationships with one another. When love is God honoring, connection becomes not just emotional but spiritual.
Since relational connection is essential to your wellbeing, I invite you to get curious about who might be a source of support in your life right now. Who could you reach out to for shared activities, a meal, or a heartfelt conversation? Even if you don’t have a spouse who connects with you, you can still nurture other safe, meaningful relationships that bring warmth and stability to your heart.
So to further address your question, let’s get practical. When deciding to attend church or another event with your spouse, ask yourself some questions:
- Am I hoping to be seen by others as “keeping it together”?
- Am I trying to avoid conflict at home?
- Do I actually want to attend for my own growth, community, or worship?
- Will going together leave me feeling stronger or more depleted?
- Would going to a different church service or with a trusted friend be more of what I need right now?
There’s no perfect answer. You may choose one way this week and another next week. That’s okay. What matters is that you are making the choice intentionally, from a place of self-awareness, not obligation or fear.
At the end of the day, this isn’t just about going to church or attending functions. It’s about giving yourself permission to protect your heart. The reality is, some people won’t understand. You might grieve the loss of shared routines. You may even feel uncertain at times. But you are not wrong for choosing peace.
Jesus said in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” He gives peace that isn’t dependent on appearances or social expectations. It’s peace that meets you in your real pain and holds space for your real healing.
Be well!
Beloved reader, Have you ever felt lonelier in someone’s presence than you do in their absence? What helped you decide when to show up together and when to choose your own path? Share your thoughts below. Your voice may offer comfort to someone else who needs it.
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Hello friends, Today I’m in sunny California, getting ready to leave for home in a few hours. I’ve been babysitting my beautiful granddaughter for the weekend. We’ve had a great time getting to know one another. Grandchildren are the best! Today’s Question: I was in a dysfunctional marriage for 35 years. My husband was emotionally…
Again..wow. Susan, Leslie, LeighAnne…you are truly doing work that blesses, heals, and encourages.
I realized a few years ago that I was far less lonely when my husband was out of town than when he was home…and what that meant: that he is an emotional drain on me, not an emotional partner or support.
He frequently expresses his wish that I “ would want to travel with him”. There are many reasons, but since he denies all responsibility for his actions or just outright denies his actions, and since he refuses to listen to any feedback (for instance, during a trip a few years ago, I said: “ when you left me in the hotel, taking the car, disappearing for hours, refusing to respond to texts or calls, I felt lonely and wondered if I should try to find a way to get home.”)
Since “ none of that ever happened “, according to him…and it did happen, repeatedly….there is nothing to give me any confidence that any future trip would be better or different.
So I got to the point where I said: “I’d love to be able to look forward to traveling with you. But I enjoy traveling with people who I can talk to, share things with, and who care about my health, safety, and what I think, feel, and want, as well as what they want.”
My husband also refuses to tell me when or where he’ll be going out of town, but of course tells others “ how much he wishes” that I would accompany him. So now I just check his calendar when he’s sleeping, so I’ll know his schedule.
I no longer feel any obligation to spend time, 24/7, alone with someone who treats me like a suitcase…a utilitarian accessory to be left aside when he feels like it, or brought out when useful….like when he “ invites” me to join client dinners…because I enjoy people, and can carry a conversation…so he doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in them or monitor his speech.
But since he won’t acknowledge or be responsible for his own behaviors, much less care about my feelings, all I can do is say things like: “Thanks for the invitation, but I won’t be making the trip.”
I used to make excuses to avoid hurting his feelings…JADE ing…but it just gave him something to argue against.
And it’s ok for me to have a boundary: When his behavior has repeatedly made travel uncomfortable for me, and he won’t acknowledge, much less apologize for or change his behavior…there’s no reason to put myself in that situation again.
And then I make plans with friends, or family, or spend time doing things I need to or want to do.
And I no longer feel any guilt about not exposing myself to more emotional injury.
Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you so very much for sharing your story Living in Grace. Reading your comments were as if the exact same words were spoken by me. I have suffered in silence for OVER 53 years of loneliness, lack of love, and constant emotional abandonment; and, unfortunately…more. I was raised in the Catholic Church and was constantly reminded to “be submissive “ which doesn’t exactly pertain to this exact subject but falls into the same category. Even though well-meaning friends see annd hear from you exactly what you are going through, it’s still not the same as living it. How I agree with you completely that being “alone alone” is far easier than being completely alienated and ignored when someone is living under the same roof but never recognizing your value, worth; and, yes, very presence in the relationship.
Through this site and sharing, may God have mercy on us, lead us, and guide us. Amen.
Amen! And knowing that other women understand…makes us all a little less lonely, I think. Blessings to you❤️
I go to church not to be seen by other people. I enjoy interaction with Godly people, whether he decides to show up or not is up to him..
It is terribly lonely, being in a relationship that is not reciprocated with the same efforts. It is also terribly lonely being in a relationship where there is no emotional comfort, commitment, or emotionally safe boundaries. I feel very much like the lady above, but I see these continual behaviors as a trap and a snare to keep me away from God and not walking on his path for me. I also see it as an opportunity for the enemy to divide what he has created us for. So if we know it is a trap from the very beginning, then I think the best thing would be to stop giving him access to us. Then I receive a call about how he is being deprived of water. I have peanut brain allergies.
This was so well written, and I fully understand what it’s like to live with someone and feel an intense loneliness even when they’re physically present. I used to be so confused by that. I actually believed we were better together, but after going through Leslie’s class and taking the time to really analyze what’s been happening, I can finally see the pattern.
When he’s home, I feel suffocated. I have no outlet for reality, and for so long I absorbed his version of events because the alternative made me feel crazy. His gaslighting is subtle, but it’s still toxic and corrosive. He either avoids acknowledging me, minimizes my experience, or pretends things never happened. Just today, I brought up something he clearly did, and he immediately said, “I didn’t do that.”
Now my kids are witnessing this denial—and lying—and they’re confused by it. One of my children is even beginning to mimic that behavior. And that, more than anything, has forced me to see the full weight of what’s going on.
Seeing clarity in my situation has been needed for so long.. I’m no longer confused, and I’m no longer questioning my own reality. I’m simply acknowledging what is—and choosing a healthier direction for myself and my children.
Glad you are a part of this community, Sarah! I appreciate your comments.
Thank you for sharing, Living In Grace! It sounds like you have been growing and getting strong. Great work!
So well written! Yes, I would look forward to him being away for a while, thinking I would have a break. But he would inevitably be able to come up with massive “to do” lists while driving and email, text, or call me about them. He would get infuriated when I don’t answer immediately or leave my phone off (still does, but we are separated). I remember him going on “mission trips” and needing to race to my computer to read and delete all his berating or mean emails. It never ceases to amaze me how he can “yell” at me in a text or email…. I wanted to delete the unkind emails so the kids wouldn’t know about them, but be excited about the fun, newsy ones.
Recently, there was an annual “family trip” that we always took together (I have 12 kids). The closer it got, the more anxious I got. I tried to get a ride with some of my adult children, but something last minute happened and they couldn’t go. I was going to have to ride with my husband and our youngest (14). It is a 9 hour trip. Gag. As time got closer, I literally felt like there was something choking me. I texted him the night before I told him I wasn’t going. He, of course, blew up. but honestly, once I made that decision, I immediately felt at peace (even knowing he was going to blow up). I had a nice, quiet weekend by myself and got quite a bit done on my own “to do” list. 😉
I can tell you for 14 years the best decision I ever made was to start going to church alone.
He really didn’t want to go anyway.
I was just dragging my husband there thinking God could strike him with lightning and all that happened was he used God’s words to twist how I should serve him better.
Freedom started the day I went to church alone. Just me and God.
I took the people pleasing course Leslie offered 3 years ago.
What really stuck is she said as codepependents on these narcissist we take and put the crown on our husband’s head to serve them (cause we’re in survival) and we need to put that crown back on the head of Jesus.
So church is a great place to start.
Your husband isn’t serving God and you when he acts like this.
The Lord showed me it this way and set this boundarie for me.
Keep the crown on God’s head. Now if my mind is stuck on constant loneliness abandonment rejection and his demeaning words so much that he makes me feel like crap 1/2 the time on the way to church and the loneliness while in church is bigger than God. I am not on the vine.
The throwns on H head.
So I decided to see it as at all cost I need to get the crown on the head of Jesus where it belongs.
It’s not your fault if H chooses not to serve God and you.
But it is your job to put Jesus 1st and follow him and let him lead your path.
The Lord brought this scripture up I use as the boundarie line and it my job to choose God’s side of the fence and that doesn’t mean follow my husband to the pit or get oppressed by the old trama wounds of rejection and abandonment because my loneliness was bigger than God and I couldn’t break it sitting by him and felt worse leaving church because if I talked about the message he twisted it to not be God and always pulled me out of the spirit realm.
I’m sure you know what I am talking about.
So the Lord had me stand on this to keep the crown on his head
Lord you are the Vine
I am the branches
With you I can do everything .
Without you I am nothing.
Just a dead branch on the ground
I also stand on to build confidence in the Lord
I trust you Lord
I do not rely on what I see and feel
In all my ways I follow you and you will light my path.
I left H emotionally to cleave to God
Every time I opened that door to get inI the car. There is freedom. I see myself holding the hand of Jesus in that seat. I sit in the pew w Jesus. Praise and worship and receive his love and leading.
It’s like a breathe of fresh air.
I expanded this to chasing many conferences going to all sorts of church events Bible groups on line. Things like Andrew Wollmack zoom groups.
I joined everything I could.
It’s the best memories and experiences I have had.
At 1st I was embarrassed being alone but then many people would walk up to me invite me to lunch with them.
I made real Jesus friends. I have had the best memories and experiences w the Lord.
I love it.
I really don’t like to go to church with people cause there a distraction.
If I want to put my hands up and praise the Lord I can without someone telling me I am a weirdo.
Church is a great place to start.
Lay all to do with your husband down outside the car and it’s full connection and cleaving to God time.
After all church is about worshipping God.
This grew me to deep connection with the Holy Spirit and hearing him because being all clogged up in fear there is no hearing him.
I learned if you decide to go alone “Don’t throw your pearls to that swine. Trust me if your flying high in the spirit of God. He will take a post hammer and smash that Holy Spirit in you. He wants control. He don’t want you to choose God over him. So few words.
One idea is you could go to church with him and find another church just for you and don’t say more than God’s calling me to some sacred time with just him.
Then u can slowly pull away from him if you want.
Choose your new church some Sundays.
Because people will probably keep asking where your husband is and that will throw you off course
That boundarie the Lord said to me has been the best thing
If you can’t stay on the vine with the crown on Jesus head you have to do what it takes to get yourself there.
That’s where God wants you living.
For me pulling away to do church with God and I alone brought the beginning of freedom.
The beginning of getting out of my shell.
It took me from shy no confidence ruminating on all the people who were traumatizing me to making a space for just Jesus and I and as I saw myself grow Christian friends and step out in so many uncomfortable ways it really made me who I am.
I never heard the Lord before that.
I started hearing the Lord had visions. They pushed me to stand and tell my story in front of 800 people 3 times and I hate public speaking.
I can tell you stepping out alone to go to church brought such freedom I kept wanting more. And those moments just with Jesus were and are the moments I feel less alone than when I am with people and I keep expanding Jesus crown and when I see myself get off the vine to hypervigilently watch H and get back into fight flight survival begging for love.
I know he isn’t going to fill my needs so I run to Jesus to deal with my reaction.
And you know 3 years in this group I went from totally blind to how abusive my H was. Totally brainwashed to be the perfect stepford wife.
To H becoming very scary. But I stuck to all I was learning.
Kept the crown on Jesus head over it all. Got far away from him if he wasn’t on Jesus side of the fence.
And I still do and run to that big space I have for the Lord now that started with going to church alone.
I have the crown on Jesus and H ain’t getting it back!
I tell him straight to his face. I will have Nothing to do with you when you decide to be on Lucifers side of the fence.
You come back to God and my side of the fence I’m happy to be around you but I am not loosing my Holy Spirit for anyone! Including you.
And I walk
My core is big and I am going to obey God and stay on his side and my husband can decide how much time he wants w me. I am fine either way.
But I would of never got there if I wouldn’t of made the move to choose GOD over my husband and bring every fearful reaction to the Lord so we could break this addiction I had to my husband.
He actually is now nice for 2 weeks at a time and he compliments me 3 times a day and I have been praying his demons off. So there may be hope.
If not I will be OK with my Jesus.
So as you can see the most important thing I ever did was to clear the space to say Lord if I can’t focus on you I need to clear what’s blocking that a little at a time and keep that little bit so sacred and cherished just for God and I
My husband has never met any of these many people who changed my life from these churches.
If he did he would come in take over and cause he is smooth everyone would be tempted to put the thrown on his head.
So I keep this very precious part of my life for God and I and its the best part of my life.
I have new christian things I share with my husband but he has never earned enough trust or safety with me that I will let him in to my precious world of Jesus.
Just encouraging all you ladies to that door of freedom
Cause it’s like heaven on earth
Hi Mary! Thanks for contributing to this community.
Wow, you are a Mom of Many! I am glad to hear you can create some quiet space for yourself. Thanks for sharing.
I just discovered this forum today (after taking Leslie’s online class yesterday). I am enjoying reading some of the blog posts and comments. I had to smile when I saw your “name”, and then couldn’t believe it when I read that you have 12 children. I have often used the moniker “Mom of Many”, and … I have 12 children (ages 23-41). Sad that we have met up on a forum such as this. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
I too, am trying to stay well after almost 47 years of marriage. We do not sleep together anymore, and I have emotionally separated myself from him. God has given me strength that I never knew existed.
The only thing we do together is being with our children and grandchildren. They have been such a blessing to me.
My husband started going to a different church after he was confronted by the elders of our church. I love going to my church by myself. I have found freedom from being controlled by him.
I will not go to weddings with him. He went to his nieces weddings, and I go to my nephews and nieces wedding.
God gives me new strength every morning. It’s been a sad, hard, but amazing journey for me. I don’t know what the future holds, but God knows. I just trust Him.
Finding freedom from control is so powerful! Glad you are Living In God’s Strength!
These two comments made me realize that I am not the only one who don’t want to be around my husband. There is no connection between us whatsoever. Yet he gets mad if I don’t go along with his plans. Can’t even go and get a perm without him leaving a nasty voice mail because I didn’t answer the phone. The snide remarks is everyday, said to me or our dog, as if I can’t hear what he says. I rely on God to get me through each day.
Kathy I use to live like that. My post is above.
Let him live on Satan’s side of the fence if he wants.
He has you brainwashed against yourself to have no rights
That you are there to serve your ruler and king and he believes that’s him.
Which means he tries to suck u into his demonic pit to get you to live in his misery he created cause he hates himself.
Needs someone to see as beneath him.
This isn’t your fault. God doesn’t call u to bow to a master.
He made it God you and your husband are meant to be one for the purposes of God.
Obviously from what your saying your husband and mine and many others want to be your God.
That’s the point where I found put that crown back on Jesus head.
He isn’t going to like it. He is a control freak.
But once you see it as your not his child or servant.
Our call is to serve God in your purpose and God’s.
These guys brainwash us to serve what he’ll creates.
I know it sounds a little harsh but people here had to tell me this to break through all the manipulation.
To see past them projecting there hate character values and telling you your them.
I spent so many years hurt from lies projections false accusations that said I am oppisite of the real me.
So many years tip toeing on egg shells to stop the yelling.
They prey on your fear to keep you in line and there own personal cult is what I call it.
I suggest you make that space of freedom for yourself and Jesus in some way like I explain.
You don’t need permission from him to live your life the way you want but I suggest try not to be sparky saying it. That can get dangerous so prepare a bag if his reaction isn’t good.
I find one liners to work best or say nothing.
Running out to go to church. Then leave.
This is what God’s calling me to a closer relationship with him and that’s what I am going to do.
I always walk after my one liner boundary.
I call this a throw the dog a bone just to get him off your back at times.
My h loves his lawn. So I say if he looks like he is ready to take his crap out on me.
Wow! You really got that grass looking green this year.
What did you do different.
Then there ego is stroked so they stand down more
Or another trick is text it to not talk to him.
All these are ways to start pulling away for yourself.
Leslie said this and boy is it true.
Our marriages many time are like a character clash.She sa. id. What others say and do is because of there character values and choices. 97 % she said.
The clash is when your character values and choices are different.
And then we end up tiptoeing around there character and values.
When we need to choose Jesus when these men act like this.
Cause he is our freedom light.
You don’t deserve to me dismissed and devalued.
You can start pulling yourself out to have a life you want.
These guys are bullies because we let them be.
But there are ways we learn here to freedom.
I encourage you to that. Start serving what Jesus wants and u want a little more each day.
If he doesn’t want to care. There are people that do
Bless you
Mary, I absolutely love your posts. Praise God!!! They that are on the side of the enemy and actively being used by the enemy to harm His chosen ones (us); they will he held accountable for their actions, but we MUST walk hand in hand with our Savior no matter what.
When I realized that my ex-husband probably had demons controlling him, it was not a popular idea. But sometimes I could see them in his eyes when the mask slipped for just a minute; black eyes even though his eyes are blue, wierd eye movements. Scary! When I was still cohabitating with him, I had scripture verses on 3×5 cards in each room and prayed daily for spiritual cleansing of the house, but he always returned with his demons.
Praise God that He gave me the strength to leave 3 years ago and my strong boundaries keep toxic people out of my life. Freedom in Christ is the only true freedom. Hallelujah with hands raised in praise!
You are not alone, Kathy! Stay close to this community for support.
My husband would come to church but he’d always drop me off at the church door and slip in after the service started. Then he’d sit there beside me, often like a big dark cloud, a non-responsive lump. During the “mingle/greet time” (which I know lots of people dislike) I’d have to somehow reach over or push past immoveable him to say hi to others. For years I tried various things at church to coax him out , introduce him, include him–but he acted like his fingernails were being torn out. After the Sunday service, he was ready to immediately jet out the door (and did), which left me alone–but with the added pressure of him waiting for me in the parking lot. He’d say he didn’t mind, but I felt pressured/anxious. It was SO painful when people would say things to me like, “Wow, it must feel so good to have your husband pamper you by dropping you off/picking you up like that (what a guy!).” If only they knew. Or sometimes, “Oh–you’re married–?!!” Because he disclosed so little about himself to others and showed so little connection to me.
The car ride home after Sunday service was usually completely silent. If I tried to comment on the message, people we saw, etc he’d offer next to nothing. I asked him once why he even came to church and he said, “I think if I sit there long enough, maybe I’ll get something.” All my life, I’ve loved being at church and with God’s people–and this pattern become almost unbearable.
FINALLY, I started setting boundaries. I started driving to/from church on my own in our second car (this was Huge!) I greeted/reached out to others and let go of feeling I needed to try to include him. I just let him either introduce/involve himself–or sit there silently. During worship, I turned toward the AV screen with the song words on my right. Turning that way blocked my view of him beside me and helped me focus and tune out the heavy “I’m in total misery here” vibes that seemed to radiate from him. Then after the service, I’d have the freedom to talk with others a bit, think about the pastor’s message, etc. driving home on my own. Sometimes I’d stop for lunch myself. This gradually helped me reclaim Sundays as a special day I loved again, instead of a day I dreaded. I’m now recovering from a divorce and though it’s hard and heartbreaking, I’m eternally grateful for new life and freedom in Jesus.
Hope, May God bless you richly in your new life of freedom!
This resonates so much. Some years into my marriage I realised that when single, as an introvert, I was alone but never lonely. Whereas in my marriage I felt lonely even though I was not alone. That was one of the turning points for me. It took years to fully realise I was in an EDM but finally was able to leave this year. I feel no sense of loneliness now.
Thanks for commenting, Rebecca!
This is a timely question for me. We spend every Christmas at my husband’s parents house – 6 hours away – because all of our extended family lives around there and his parents have a huge house. This year I’m wondering if I should not. There are some major issues with boundaries and control with his parents that neither he nor they really see. And he has been covertly emotionally abusive as well as emotionally unfaithful throughout our entire relationship. I separated from him two years ago and ended up joining him going to his parents for Christmas to be with our kids. His family was concerned and tried to get us back together. We got back together, he was good for a while, then the emotional abuse/wandering attention to other women picked up again. The next Christmas I felt I should not go with him to his parents, but my brain over rode my heart and emotions and I made myself go. Some members of his family again tried to talk me back into my marriage. This time I was more candid with what had been going on with him. His family does not recognize emotional abuse, but does recognize when something is stepping into the arena of infidelity. I was told by a family member that I needed to forgive him 70 x 7 and that I should only leave when God no longer gave me the grace to stay. They also said I should not put up boundaries or give consequences for actions. It was a ludicrous conversation. Coming from people who have been so hard on me for the last 8 years about my parenting, I just could not believe it. Anyways, some things happened that caused me to back off from him again recently. I felt I needed to in order to stay emotionally whole. The Holy Spirit has been doing healing work in me, and I didn’t want to walk back into something that was going to destroy it. So this year we are now seperated, living in the same house. I am really wrestling with what to do as we have two little kids who will be affected. Now the topic of Christmas holidays is coming up.. Our Christmas vacation is two weeks and usually we spend that two weeks at his parents house. I don’t want to deal with the questions, and what I feel is hypocrisy/talks etc ..Also don’t want to deal with the boundary pushing that will happen. I don’t want you do that again. but I don’t want to spend Christmas away from the kids. I could stay with my parents -45 minute drive from his parents – but they don’t really have the space for my kids for anything longer than a couple nights.
Julia, I’ll be praying that you find a solution for the Christmas dilemma that preserves your peace.
It definitely sounds like one of those between a rock and a hard place situations. Maybe splitting the time, to reduce the time you have to spend under the same roof? Or is there another friend or relative nearby where you could stay with the kids for a few days, so that the kids could participate in the celebrations, but you wouldn’t have to be dealing with the boundary busters 24/7? Maybe some extra-special events/ new traditions near your home, that the kids are really looking forward to ( “we’re looking forward to visiting with the family for….”..4 days instead of 2 weeks, for instance.)?
My kids are adults now. When they were little, I felt kind of bad ( as Moms, do we ever feel all of our decisions are right🙄?) that they didn’t get the “ big” celebrations that meant traveling to be with cousins; I chose to have our Christmases at home, and visit with various people at other times of year. That way I got to create our family traditions at home, rather than always being a participant in someone else’s.
This Thanksgiving, my husband will be in one city, with his family ( which was always a given..his family of origin has always been his #1 priority). My son will be at his wife’s family Thanksgiving, and hopefully also visit with my extended family a few days after the actual holiday. I felt I should visit with my Mom, who is in her 90’s…but I can’t handle being with her 24/7, so I made a reservation at a nearby motel, and I’ll just tell her I’m “ staying nearby” ( she may assume with other relatives), rather than staying with her, but I’ll get more visiting time with her.
Just make the best choice for you and your kids for this year, whatever that is. Next year may be different, and you might choose to do things differently. Give yourself grace to know that you’re doing the best you can, for yourself ( you are important too, remember!) and for your kiddos. Blessings ❤️
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. And yes, as mom’s we do tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves when it comes to what is best for our kids. Some great ideas here, thanks so much!
What a challenge, Julia! May God guide you into all peace this holiday season as you make wise choices for you and your children.
I don’t always like going places with my husband. I’m ok with him ignoring me, now, because I just go find my own fun. But, I dislike when he’s a petulant, sullen pouter, or, in the case of visiting his mother, he is just downright mean and they end up bickering and then he rants on the way home about what a b-word she is.
Just today driving him to his lab work appointment, because he’s a man-baby and the mommy he married has to take him or else he won’t go (and this was pretty needful), he aggressively complained about the dumbest things. He complained about how my brand new truck is a piece of garbage (it’s not, it’s actually pretty awesome and has been doing great in winter weather), he tried gaslighting me about vehicle traffic laws concerning illegal left hand turns. And when I simply spoke the truth, he threw up his hands then folded his arms and complained about my attitude. He, as the passenger, complained about other drivers. Ugh, I just wanted him to shut up!
If we go to a fair or venue, he calls the parking attendants ugly names. He will complain about where I choose to park regardless of where I choose to park.
But even if he is in a good mood it’s a pain because he will lie about me. He’ll tell people I yell at him about things (I don’t yell. If anything I am too quiet), or that I was mad about something that I was actually indifferent to or even supportive of. And when I call him out on it it becomes his word against mine and he is charismatic enough to out-talk me in the matter.
Our kids are all teens and they have asked me not to divorce him. Most of the time he is gone for work, anyway.