Living Beyond Good Enough
After a summer of travel that took me far from home and deep into reflection and some serious self-discovery, I found myself wrestling with the same lesson over and over: Grace and the need to let go of expectations and take ownership of my own well-being. Whether navigating unfamiliar places or the complexities of my own heart, I realized how often I can hold onto the hope that others will change, circumstances will shift, or things will finally go as planned. This summer, I was once again reminded that true peace and growth come from within, and sometimes, the hardest and most important work we can do is to release what’s beyond our control and focus on nurturing our own journey with Christ. Maybe it’ll stick deeper in my soul in 2024. Pray for me!
This truth resonates deeply with the stories shared by members of our community, including one woman’s powerful struggle to find the balance between faith, hope, and the reality of her marriage. Thank you all for joining us here in this sacred space..
Today's Question:
I feel like I’m stuck between holding on and letting go in my marriage. I want to honor my commitment and my faith, but I also feel like I’m losing myself in the process. How do I discern when it’s time to keep fighting for my marriage versus when it’s time to release it to God?
LeAnne's Response:
Beloved Reader,
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. It’s clear that you’re in the midst of an incredibly challenging season, feeling torn between your commitment to your marriage and the need to care for your own well-being. Your desire to honor both your God and your marriage is deeply admirable, and I want to remind you that our Heavenly Father sees every tear, every prayer, and every moment of your struggle.
When we’re caught between holding on and letting go, it can feel like an impossible choice. It’s not just about deciding to stay or leave; it’s about seeking God’s best for your life, even when the path forward isn’t clear. That’s where the quote, “The great struggle in the life of faith is not sin but the good that is not good enough,” really hits home. It challenges us to look beyond what seems “good enough” and reach for what God truly desires for us.
James 1:5 (NLT) reminds us, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” God wants you to live in fullness and peace, not just endure. So, take your questions to Him—He’s ready to guide you, even through the messiness. Sometimes, the first step is simply acknowledging that what you have isn’t fully what God desires, and from there, He can begin to work in your heart and circumstances.
I answered a question around the topic of discernment earlier this summer- I encourage you to have a look at it here. It was great for me to refresh my soul as I prepared to answer your question this week.
We speak about his topic a bunch here. It is worth repeating. So here goes…
What might it look like if you were more yourself in your marriage right now? What might be holding you back from being all God created you to become?
Dear one! It is essential to set clear boundaries that steward your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Please remember, boundaries are not about punishing your spouse; Boundaries are about living intentionally with God’s purpose for you in mind, protecting the life, your mind, and the heart He’s entrusted to you. Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own health and refusing to allow destructive behaviors to continue unchallenged. They are not just a line in the sand; they’re a declaration of your worth and God’s desire for you to live in safety and respect. Boundaries are a gift to every relationship.
You’ve already shown incredible bravery by acknowledging the pain and the areas of your marriage that don’t reflect God’s design for mutual respect, love, and support. It’s so hard when the changes you’ve prayed for haven’t happened, and when the dynamics of your relationship feel far from what’s healthy. It’s okay to sit with that disappointment and to not have all the answers right now. Your commitment to not losing yourself is so important—God values your well-being, and He wants you to thrive, not just survive. He wants you to walk in freedom.
As you continue navigating this season, I encourage you to take things one step at a time. Set aside some quiet moments each day to pray, journal, or just sit with God. Use this time to pour out your heart honestly and ask Him for wisdom and strength for the next right thing, even if that’s just making it through today. I invite you to explore these 3 questions:
- What or who is keeping me from being my noble self right now?
- What does God’s peace feel like in this decision?”
- Am I honoring God’s design for me with the choices I am making today?
Sister, I am praying these reflections will guide you as you seek clarity. Please let us know what comes up for you.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Lean into your support system—counselors, coaches, friends, and your faith community. God often uses others to provide the insight we need when we feel lost, stuck, or afraid… And please remember, setting boundaries or taking a step back doesn’t mean giving up; it’s all about giving God space to work in ways you might not yet see, think, or imagine.
God’s heart is for your growth, your peace, and your safety. If your marriage consistently brings harm, or emotional distress, or diminishes who God created you to be, consider that God does not want you to remain in a situation that is destructive to your soul. Marriage, as He intended, is a covenant that reflects His love, with mutual respect, support, and care.
One of my favorite thought leaders is Corrie ten-boom- here is a word of wisdom from her heart to ours:
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
So, take things slowly, lean into your support, and trust that God will guide you. Your decision to not stay “stuck” is a powerful testament to your faith and hope in God’s best for you and your family.
Join us here for our upcoming free workshop! It will provide you with some food for thought and some time to focus.
Have you ever felt torn between holding on and letting go in a significant area of your life? How did you navigate the tension, and what helped you discern the right path forward? We’d love to hear your stories and insights as we journey together.
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There is so much more to discuss about do I stay or do I go? It is not just about the marriage. It is also about the state of mentally being ready to walk out of the marriage and be fully self sufficient emotionally & financially. There is so much preparation and it doesn’t happen quickly if you have let your working skills go. That’s why it’s so important to be in a conquer group and walk through each step with your group before you actually take the steps to go.
Very true and helpful!
One of my biggest struggles is trying to discern whether Scripture supports leaving and divorcing someone who has not committed adultery. For example, Luke 16:18. I feel stuck. I am married to an emotionally absent disconnected man. He is not overtly abusive or violent, yet I am withering inside. It has been 23 years and despite my pleas that he engage emotionally with me, he doesn’t seem able to. He has issues with his mother that have deeply impacted our marriage. I feel that I can separate biblically, but divorcing and remarrying seems at best fuzzy and at worst, sinful. I know I am not the only one to have this internal debate. I am always being encouraged by others to hang on as some day he may change and then I will be greatly rewarded for my faithfulness and patience. Are there any resources that anyone can recommend to help me hash through the Scripture side of this?
Angela, great question you are asking and I think ultimately that decision is going to be between you and God. But may I ask you, is it possible for you to get some of your emotional needs met outside the marriage – with good girlfriends? I don’t think marriage was ever intended to meet all of our needs. Your husband may be handicapped emotionally and not able to give you connection emotionally, but if he’s a good man in other ways, – he helps with the children, provides financially, supports you with acts of service, is not controlling over your time or other relationships, can you appreciate what he can contribute to the marriage, even if he can’t contribute deep emotional connection? I wouldn’t necessarily hope that “someday he’ll change’ if he’s not actually doing the work to change this problem, but can you change and stop languishing, waiting, hoping that he’ll meet that need for emotional connection? And instead, start connecting deeply with other wise women so that at least you don’t feel depleted and starved waiting for him to give you that nourishment?
Yes! This is exactly how I am thriving in my own life. Friendships with other women can be incredibly nourishing.
Thank you Leslie for reminding me that my h is a good man in other ways even though he doesn’t engage emotionally. I needed that reminder.
I feel caught between these things too. I am encouraged reading this, asking God for His wisdom, thankful He won’t “get mad at me” and rebuke me for crying out to Him.
I hear you on the “seeking emotional connection elsewhere,” but there are some needs that we are supposed to at least try to fill for our spouse, aren’t there? Things that someone outside such an intimate relationship really can’t fill. Sex, companionship/at least the bare minimum of emotional connection and understanding, truth, safety, faithfulness, decency, kindness… If we don’t have those in marriage, what’s the point of the marriage?
Thank you Sally. Yes, this is how I feel daily. I have wonderful girlfriends who are understanding and love me dearly. I don’t know what I’d do without them. However, feeling like a roommate/maid who is supposed to offer sex leaves me feeling dirty and used. I too am left wondering what on earth marriage is for if deep emotional connection is not possible. If I truly felt my husband was unable to have emotional connection, that would be one thing, but it is trauma from his childhood. It can be healed or at least dramatically improved with therapy I think. Someone who is truly handicapped can’t fix their handicap. Are we to stay in marriages where our needs (and I do believe that being loved and cherished is a need and not a want or God would not command husbands to love and cherish their wives) are not met? I struggle deeply with this and am constantly trying to reconcile this with the character of God. Is this just part of “dying to ourselves” or are we playing a part in enabling their disobedience?
You have described my concern too. I am concerned that I am supporting his self deception and avoidance by staying with him. Years of counseling have not produced any change in his self centeredness and I have quit looking for “the key” that might unlock his closed door. I think a road to Damascus experience might do it, but that’s completely out of my hands. There’s a saying that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
It especially concerns me to go to church and take communion next to him with this broken marriage. I have told him this and he acknowledges that we are out of fellowship, but he makes no effort to grow and change and repair what he has broken. We haven’t been intimate for years, and I took my wedding ring off several years ago. There is a lot more to this story, of course.
But we have a generally friendly relationship as Leslie described above. Our kids are all grown and we have grandchildren. We make a good team supporting them as needed and hosting family meals, and maintaining our home. He is a companion and I like him and his company. Even so, he has broken my heart and I feel it every day.
Ladies, I’m reading your comments and feel a strong need to reply. Men are not women. They lift heavy things, they are not emotional beings. Sure some women can lift great weight (I used to bench 200lbs!) and likewise some men can connect emotionally – but it’s not typical nor necessary. Our culture is currently blurring the lines of gender, which God created. It is wonderful to admire good men for whom God created. Notice I said good men. The list mentioned in Leslie’s comment is great -he helps with the children, provides financially, supports you with acts of service, is not controlling over your time or other relationships. If he is destructive push hard to strengthen your CORE and take advantage of the exits God has allowed. “Deep emotional connection” is not a biblical attribute to pursue. Whereas the Fruit of the Spirit, wisdom, understanding, and courage are clearly scriptural focus points. I fear if you set your heart on emotionalism, you will be looking for the wrong thing and be very disappointed.
These comments ring true to me – I can appreciate the differences in men and women and do believe in the significant attributes that each can bring to a relationship and in the balance that can be a valuable part of a relationship and our world. The part that I struggle with my husband, is that he, as an individual, has immature relationship skills, is very transactional and not kind if he doesn’t get his way. He has a desire for a good image and seems to believe that his voice and power should be first. Many many times and consistently he has broken trust, he doesn’t get it, and now I have run out of gas. I wish I enjoyed his company, now I have dissociated because so many times I have been blindsided by unkindness, criticism, punishing silence and general lack of courtesy and consideration. Yes, he provides, is good with our children and grandchildren, does works of service for me, is upstanding in the community – that should be enough, right? But the emotional deprivation is stunting me and haunts me always and leaves me with feelings of not being good enough for time, affection, affirmation or being heard. Isn’t marriage meant to be more? I get feelings of sadness or jealousy when I see how marriage can be through others’. How do I overcome this – I am here to learn and develop my CORE – I am not sure it will be enough or that I am strong enough.
Thank you, Living in Grace. Beautifully said.
My husband and I are in counseling right now (that’s a whole other story) . The counselor made an interesting point from two Bible stories where Jesus was connecting to His disciples with, what she called, “Heart Talk.” It was before Jesus was crucified, he told his disciples that he loved them and to abide in His love. and love each other. He didn’t go over a list of things for them to do, he wanted to make sure that emotional connection was there with communicating His love for them. The second example was when He told the disciples he would be going away and that He would send the Holy Spirit to them. Again, Jesus being concerned with their emotional state and wanting them to feel and be comforted. The verses speak of having sorry, then joy following. VERY EMOTIONAL language. So we cannot deny that emotions/feelings are incredibly important to BOTH men and. women alike.
I read an interesting article about research that was recently dug up from decades ago discussing the possibility of mass encephalitis happening in the population around the 1950s due to the introduction of various medicines at that time. The encephalitis then caused in men in particular, mild brain damage, which inhibited the emotional capacity of men (plus ADHD/autistic characteristics) and in women, affecting the pituitary gland causing either starvation of excessive hunger. Not an excuse for men or women, but an interesting take on how so many men do not seem “whole” or “integrated” as those of my father’s age (born in 1936). The men I knew growing up were vibrant, compassionate, but also had a calming presence in general. I remember saying about 10 years ago: The men now are NOT the same as of my father’s era. I don’t think the women are either, something is wrong there too. Just throwing this out for speculation. There has never been a perfect time, but it feels like something is up. Probably a combination of things (diet, medical treatments that alter the body/brain, media, sedentary life, etc.) After my neighbor got viral encephalitis, he changed and left his wife. I remember thinking: my husband acts just like him and wondered about some sort of brain damage in my husband. I’d love to know your thoughts.
Thank you for sharing about Jesus building strong emotional connections with His disciples. He pursued relationship with His people and still does.
Interesting thoughts about medicines, etc. I think there is something to it.