How Do You Let Go of Who You Consider to Be “Your Person”?
Hello friends! The Lenten season is here. As we prepare for the resurrection story, Lent invites us to remember where the past has brought us and to consider what the future holds. As we walk through this season with truth, openness, conviction, compassion, and trust in the goodness of God, sorrow gives way to joy. In many ways, Lent and grief are deeply connected. Each one calls us to reflect, to let go, and to seek a new beginning in the midst of the loss of expectations. The good news is, for believers, there is hope beyond death. Through the process of grief, we can be brought to our own Easter Sunday of healing and renewed life.
Today’s Question: How do you let go of who you consider to be “your person” when they keep hurting you? I’ve been married for 33 years, together for 38. He had an emotional affair 20 years ago. Porn addiction for the first part of our marriage, until about 2010 (I think). I have sometimes recently seen questionable Instagram reels on his account. He hides interactions with female business associates, who he swears are not emotional entanglements. Honestly, I have done enough research on both of them that I don’t believe they are affairs, but the deception is still there. He has gone to counseling, made promises, repented and honestly after all this time, I just don’t think it’s going to change. But what do you do when he is your person? My best friend. We have had more good times than bad. I want so much just to cave in, just to accept, to say well, at least it’s not something worse. But I know I’m hurting my self-esteem and self-respect in the process. We are currently separated in the house and it is killing me! Any advice would be appreciated.
Susan’s Response: I can hear the pain in your words; your marriage is not what you’ve longed for. I want to commend you for taking your needs seriously at this time. I know it is hard to live separately from someone who you consider to be your person. The grief is undoubtedly intense. Give yourself time to move through the grief of what has been taking place in your marriage as well as any other emotions you may experience.
I wonder what qualifies someone to be “your person” and what would disqualify them. This is a very individual question, as everyone has different values. I am guessing that since you said you are hurting your self-esteem and self-respect in this process, honesty and trust must be important qualities for you. If you continue to minimize deceit, perhaps you can keep believing your person is honest enough to maintain best-friend status. If you are courageously committed to the truth, is he?
Minimizing the pattern of harm in a relationship can be luring. Accepting destruction because it is less destructive than it could be is a betrayal of your own safety. Looking at the truth can be painful and may create some emotions you prefer not to deal with. However, facing the truth about a relationship could also energize you to have important conversations about what you are experiencing, what you value, what you will and won’t tolerate, and how you will show up in the relationship. Conversations may not cause lasting change in the other person, but it could bring you clarity about the changes you need to make for your own well-being.
I hear you; you have had to grapple with the instability of the marriage for a long time. In all relationships, there is risk, and hurt happens. All humans fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The effects of sin are great, and the ripple effect can carry on for generations (Exodus 34). If the deception persists, it will further destroy trust in the relationship. You can remain in the marriage but the relationship will not be healthy until the deception stops and repair is made.
It sounds like the hurt has come from a particular pattern of deception around emotional and sexual integrity. When it comes to the integrity of someone you consider to be your person, is it only important that he is sexually and emotionally trustworthy the majority of the time? Is the make up of a best friend someone with whom you just have more good times than bad?
You said your husband hides interactions with female business associates. Does this mean he doesn’t inform you about every interaction, or does he lie to you about having certain interactions? I can understand why you might be anxious about his life choices given the history. Is he trying to rescue you from anxiety by leaving out information? Is he fearful that you will misinterpret his intentions since his intentions were harmful in the past? Perhaps. Best friends may not agree on all things, but they are able to discuss them in a respectful way. What one finds questionable, the other may not. What are the expectations when the two of you are not aligned? Having a conversation in order to reach a deeper understanding might be helpful for both of you.
It is natural to want to be in close relationships with others. If maintaining a particular relationship requires you to betray yourself, you may be dealing with an excessive dependency on that person. Here are some signs that you may be excessively relying on your partner in order for you to be ok.
- Your concern is for his needs and keeping him close to the point of anger and resentment that your own needs are not being met.
- You rely on your partner to give you a sense of worth and identity through validation or reassurance.
- You remain in an unhealthy situation because you can’t imagine life without that person.
- Your life outside of the relationship is nonexistent for the most part.
- Intense feelings of anxiety or discomfort persist if you are not with your person.
- You avoid conversations because you feel less important than your person, and you are worried about their disapproval.
- You put yourself in the place of rescuing and solving problems for him.
Have you continued to be dependent on and vulnerable with someone who is not responsible with your heart? A safe, intimate relationship includes trust and authenticity. Proverbs 4:23 gives this wisdom, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” How can you protect it from those who treat you with patterns of deceitfulness?
You stated that the separation is killing you; grief can feel like death. Whether it is the death of a relationship, the ending of something beloved that once was, or the loss of expectations, grief is hard to tolerate and harder to envision recovering from. Rest assured, through the grieving process, you will find a new normal and renewed life. What do you want for yourself during this period of separation? What could you focus on that would help you build self-esteem, independence, and healthier relationship patterns with yourself?
Be well!
Beloved reader, how have you established a healthier relationship with yourself as you navigate instability in your primary relationships?
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A wife can live in her head for literally years with the “Ideal” for her marriage. Then there is the actual “reality”. Once you can acknowledge that your ideal has been operating in your head… it then breaks your denial…and you can SEE reality. You can see “your person” with clarity.
You are absolutely correct Pamela! Thank you.
Being courageously committed to truth is challenging but necessary for healthy living, Pamela! Thanks for commenting.
Wow, Susan, you nailed it. All questions I have grappled with in the 3 months since I sent that email. I see much more clearly now.
And Pamela, thank you for commenting. I definitely held on to the ideal vision of him in my head for years and when it wasn’t realized kept thinking God would allow it to come eventually. Was wrestling with being mad at God for prayers unanswered. Today. I see more evidence of that but also doing my own work as priority!
Oh Michelle, I know this so well. I lived 23yrs like this. I too held ideal vision in my head for years (despite evidence showing otherwise) and thought God would bring it about eventually and then being mad at God for unanswered prayer. Through Leslie’s book Emotionally Destructive Marriage and joining her online Conquer group- Clarity gained, rosy tint glasses off, on a path of Healing Me now.
Thanks A😊 praying your healing🙏🏽
I am so glad to hear that you are doing your work and seeing more clearly now, Michelle!
I too am separated and still living under the same roof. He’s an addict and has lost respect for me along time ago even says he doesn’t love me. But he’s going into detox at the end of the month. Right! Why is he waiting. He says so that I will be ok. However your spending the money as it comes. 💔
It’s a very tough situation living under the same roof. Sometimes it’s financially necessary. God bless you!
Prayers for you, Becky! May God give you the strength and clarity you need.
Thank you so much!!! It is so hard to let go of someone you love so much. Your words are profound and I appreciate you sharing this particular post. Because WE love so deeply … we minimize the sun against us ….. what a revelation.
I know right? Especially when this person was your first. Everything, met as teenagers.. really and truly, my only definition of romantic love has been with this person 😐
Thanks for being a part of this community, Denise!
I am learning so much about myself and my responses to my husband. I used to feel his unhappiness and discontentment in me was all my fault. I now know I can not and will never measure up in his eyes. I have begun confronting and have stopped being his whipping post for everything that goes wrong on a daily basis for him. It’s very uncomfortable yet I know I am feeling more like me and actually liking me. Destructive behavior aimed at a person doesn’t please God. I am being constructive towards myself now. Acknowledging my short comings, improving myself with God’s help and loving myself. I don’t want to be a martyr anymore, except for Jesus. And his death on the cross allows for me to forgive myself and move on. 52 years of marriage and I am only just realizing, all I was doing was giving my husband an okay to sin.
52 years Deborah! Wow. What women do for love. God bless you!
So many great insights, Deborah! Thank you for your comments.
I also struggle in a relationship where my spouse is an addict and is diagnosed bipolar. It is hard to separate yourself from someone you see in your head as your soulmate. I must say there is no trust in the marriage. I feel like I just exist for the better good. I love him but I don’t like him. He can be verbally abusive at times. I continue to tell myself it’s a lot better off than others. It could be worse. Part of me wants to walk away and never look back other part has me stay due to my commitment to God and my vows of marriage. I can’t believe that I’ve left this comment based on a another’s challenges in their relationship.
Your statement “Part of me wants to walk away and never look back other part has me stay due to my commitment to God and my vows of marriage” hits close to home. I am at that fork in the road even after filing for divorce 3 months ago. I often think about “just living with it” and Then I picture myself 5 years down the road and don’t like what I see based on the past years with no change. Being the “brave” one to make that leap is scary and hopeful because both have a lasting effect. Ultimately the choice is ours and I pray blessings for everyone in the same position.
I too, am fighting with myself, wanting to walk away, but in being “guilt tripped” by my husband. He says he will never agree to a divorce, because he’s too afraid of Gods wrath.
Thank you, Yvette. I think Leslie said one time God values you more than he values marriage. Let that sink in when you say you want to stay due to your commitment to God and marriage vows.
Yvette, I am glad you have found this community and were willing to comment. I hope we can be a support to you. There are many resources available at http://www.leslievernick.com
I have been grieving my marriage for over a year now, and I am coming up on the one year anniversary since I had to file for legal separation and ask my husband to move out. I am safe, my kids are safe, and we have provision. It has taken moving mountains and a community and family, to get here.
However, honestly, the grief, the pain, the rage, and the fragmentation of a marriage that was never what I thought feels never ending. It is too much. I am so tired. I have become the worst version of myself, and I am soul-sick.
I cannot see that there will ever be anything new or renewed. It has not lessened over the last year. It feels like a trite phrase “new” and “renewed” that people throw out there when there’s not anything they can do. I know you don’t mean it that way, but that is how it feels..
I would love to hear Leslie or one of the coaches speak to recovering from soul-sickness when the other work has been done or is in process.
Hi Dana, I’m sorry you have been feeling this way. I’d love to answer your question – “how do I move out of soul sickness” but I’d love for you to define that term more for me. What does it mean to you to be the worst version of yourself? If something was renewed, what would that be? And what would that feel like, look like or sound like to you? And what other work have you done thus far, even though it not at all helped with the soul sickness you feel? If you could write that out in a longer paragraph blog question I’d be happy to respond.
Hi Dana,
You described exactly how I still feel.
I am not one year, but 20 years post- divorce after a three decade plus marriage.
I have read dozens of books and when I finally found “Boundaries”, it gave me a glimmer of hope; then Leslie’s and others’ books like Natalie Hoffman.
The only thing that lifts me up is to put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness literally every day.
Some will say that is just a fantasy and doesn’t it work for everyone and I am sure that is true.
But I can tell you that for me, when after all these years, IF I set my mind on Praising God and Thanking .my Savior (for getting me out of the prison of living with an emotionally dead man ) it snaps me out of it for another day.
I finally realized and accepted he had zero capacity to love in the first place, instead of lying to myself that deep down he once loved me.
It is taking my thoughts captive to focusing on HIM and not on the little him.
Praising God for who He is does help., but it is a daily meditation.
Even Leslie, if I understand correctly, has never gone through a divorce.
She had a nasty mother and so did I. My mother had a really good side and a really, really mean & bad side, so I practice redirecting my thoughts to Praising and Thanking HIM.
I honestly do not believe unless you’ve walked the divorce road personally, that a person can truly understand these feelings you describe of being soul sick.
I do understand and I am so very sorry for the pain you are having.
I know Leslie has helped hundreds of women, including me. I know Leslie has empathy for abused women, for certain.
Her book was one of the first sane books that took me out of denial.
But this is a club of one-Divorced women who truly gave their all and truly and deeply loved their husband , yet they were discarded.
Just like you never get over losing a child you loved with all your heart.
When you truly love, you do become one with them. It’s a death to all your dreams of living into old age together, not perfectly, but as a team.
I do not think it possible to no longer feel the pain of the love that is discarded.
The pain is different and not so caustic, but it is a wound scarred over your heart.
It is, indeed, different for women who never really deep down loved their spouse.
Like my X..I had an epiphany one day-he never did love me in the first place, so he moved on immediately to another target and then discarded her.
I think it is possible to not be soul sick and heartbroken if you never loved your spouse in the first place.
Leslie has said there comes a time when we have to stop taking constant classes with no action.
I agree and the action is continuing to Seek Ask and Knock for HIS comfort in your unique situation .
Like Hagar, HE SEES Us. HE alone knows our entire story; nobody else knows it.
Praising God and Thanking Him is the best prescription and action for Depression.
And living free of all the pain is not possible for everyone.
We are all different and unique ; not one size fits all.
That’s my experience with soul sickness. I get it, Dana.
You already described your own soul sickness perfectly. No need to explain it further.
I could actually feel your pain as I read your note, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
I too am soul sick…married 37 years to a sex and pornography addicted man who is emotionally disconnected. I gave him my all! I died to self and now feel like I am dying for filing for divorce!! My only hope is in HIM, my Jesus and am barely hanging on emotionally but trying each day to depend on my Lord and savior to carry me through this. Mine too has moved in with his girlfriend (next victim??) please pray for me as I pray for all of you!! I try to believe there is hope!!
Thank you for this!! I too am in the same broken hearted situation after 37 years of marriage to the same type of person that Brokenhearted described as her husband. Mine if I described is exactly the same sexual addict, pornography addict and emotionally disconnected !!!
I don’t think I will ever be the same!!! My sanity is only hanging on by a thread…my faith…please lmk if you ever figure out what can heal my heart and mind!!! My heart is shattered from quilt of filing and him blaming me saying I couldn’t wait for him and that he was growing up and finally quitting all that (which I don’t believe ) LORD HELP ME JESUS AND HEAL MY HEART…PLEASE!!!!😢💔
Being courageously committed to truth is challenging but necessary for healthy living, Pamela! Thanks for commenting.
Love that! Courageously committed to the truth!