Is “Keeping No Record Of Wrongs” Keeping You Stuck?
Hello, friends! Fall has already been in the air here in Michigan and I am not ready to let go of summer. I am, however, ready to let go of lawn care. I am making a mental note to myself to start early in treating my lawn with weed prevention next spring and, more importantly, not to miss any of the branded lawn care steps. My crab grass is growing and starting to spread.
I live in a neighborhood that puts on a garden tour every year. Some of my neighbors are very serious about not only yard upkeep but also extreme beautification. As I was walking the other day, I had to look closely to make sure one of the lawns down the street wasn’t actually turf. The grass looked nearly perfect and weedless. However, just one house over, the lawn was predominantly weeds with a little grass mixed in. And the crab grass was just starting to creep over the edge into the near perfect lawn.
I started thinking about relationships. Sometimes other people's behavior or lack of action affects us; it inches its way into our lives and makes an impact. Their weeds creep into our lawn and cause something we have worked hard to prevent. We can request they manage their lawn better, but we can’t hold them accountable to do something they are not willing to do. And then what do we do about the weeds that make their way across property lines?
This is where it can get tricky. Demanding better lawn care is not likely to resolve the problem or foster a neighborly relationship. And it may not do any good to count the weeds and ask for restitution. Yet ignoring the issue or pretending there isn’t an impact won’t resolve it either. There is a way to notice what is happening, take responsibility for what we can, and make wise choices about how to respond in a godly way.
What happens when noticing gets confused with keeping a record of wrongs, accountability with control, and discernment with judgment? Consider this week’s reader’s question and let me know your thoughts.
Today’s Question: What is the difference between counting wrongs and holding someone accountable for their behavior that is specifically against the word of God?
Susan’s Response: I am certain there is a lot of detail and background information behind what you are asking. And since you took the time to submit it, I’ll assume you are asking about someone you love. For everyone reading, the simplicity of this question may be a benefit. It allows you room to fill in the gaps with your own circumstances, because I know many of you have been asking yourselves something similar. Even without all of the details, we can look at Scripture together to discern some important distinctions.
The wording in your question caused me to consider I Corinthians 13:4-6. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” What does Scripture mean when it says, “love keeps no record of wrongs”?
Some might understand this phrase to mean we should never remember what someone has done to us, never bring it up again, and never allow past behavior to influence how we relate to that person today. But I don’t believe that is what Paul is teaching. Keeping a record of wrongs is not the same thing as remembering what happened.
Many women who are in destructive relationships find it very beneficial to write down harmful relational events. Not because they want to build a case against the person, but because writing things down can sometimes help them see what is happening more clearly. When you have been told repeatedly that something didn’t happen, didn’t happen the way you remember it, wasn’t that bad, or was somehow your fault, having a clear record can help you stay grounded in reality. This isn’t keeping score; it’s discernment.
Matthew 7:16 says, “you will recognize them by their fruit.” You don’t need to know everything that is in someone’s heart to recognize what their behavior is producing. This isn’t about condemnation. And it’s not simply about holding someone else accountable. Jesus didn’t tell us the fruit does not matter because we shouldn’t judge. He told us that the fruit helps us recognize what we are dealing with. And once we recognize what we are dealing with, we can ask clarifying questions. Like, who is responsible for what?
Responsibility and accountability are related, but they are not the same thing. Responsibility defines whose choices are being made. Accountability involves willingness to answer for those choices. We can identify responsibility, however, we cannot make someone take accountability for their decisions if they are not willing.
This is a trap I see many women getting caught in. They try to cajole someone else into taking accountability instead of looking at and owning their own boundaries and responsibilities. This often sounds like, “How do I get him to understand?” “How do I get him to admit what he did?” or “How do I get him to change?” These questions put an enormous weight of responsibility on a person who doesn’t have the power to make those things happen.
More helpful questions might be, “How will I communicate with clarity while remaining true to my values?” “What will I do to care for myself in light of what is happening?” and “If he chooses not to change, how will I choose to participate or not participate in the relationship?” That is a very different posture.
Galatians 6:1 describes restoring someone with “a spirit of gentleness.” And Matthew 18 gives a process for addressing sin directly. The goal is not to count the wrongs or bring shame, but to invite responsibility, repentance, and restoration. You can invite someone into responsibility; you cannot force them into it. You can speak truth; you cannot control whether they receive it. You can establish a boundary; you cannot control whether or not they like it or honor it.
One of the main principles that we teach at LV&Co is the importance of CORE strength. In having healthy conversations that invite change, it is important to be:
C- Courageously committed to the truth of what is happening
O- Open to wise others and the Holy Spirit’s leading
R- Responsible for yourself while Respecting the other person’s agency
E- Empathetic towards the person’s struggles while not Enabling sinful behavior
CORE strength helps us stay in our lane of boundaries and responsibilities.
If the other person is not interested in repentance and re-aligning with the Word of God, there may be natural consequences that occur in the relationship. As you take responsibility for your own boundaries around safety, protection, and freedom of choice, the other person will be impacted in a way they may not like. Remember, consequences are not the same as punishment or condemnation.
When we are speaking of transgressions that are against the word of God, part of the appropriate response may include bringing in the support of the church leadership as Matthew 18 instructs. The goal is not humiliation. The goal is to foster the opportunity for accountability and restoration.
Let’s go back to I Corinthians 13. Love rejoices in the truth. Love does not keep a running tally of someone’s failures for the sake of vengeance or reimbursement. Love doesn’t require us to call something good that isn’t good. Love doesn’t require us to deny what we see. Love doesn’t require us to abandon discernment in order to prove that we have forgiven. And love doesn’t ask us to take responsibility for another person’s choices or hold them to standards they don’t have for themselves. Love is courageously committed to truth.
Knowing this and practicing it in relationships are two different things. When you are moving toward healthy growth and change, support is important. If you are looking for a place to define your boundaries and practice hard conversations under the guidance of a professional coach, Walking in CORE Strength group coaching may be a good starting point. Consider joining; we start the week of September 14th.
Be well!
Beloved reader, is there a pattern in a relationship that is keeping you stuck because you’ve been afraid you’ll be accused of keeping a record of wrongs? What hard conversation might become possible if you could speak the truth with love, courage, respect, responsibility, and empathy without enabling what is not healthy?
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Susan, all true and so helpful!
Notably, “As you take responsibility for your own boundaries around safety, protection, and freedom of choice, the other person will be impacted in a way they may not like”.
I have spent years learning these concepts, and also practiced speaking “ the truth with love, courage, respect, responsibility, and empathy without enabling what is not healthy.”
This past weekend, we observed our 40 th anniversary. I say observed, not celebrated: my husband refused to even open the gift I had spent weeks making (an archive of 40 years of marriage and family life); he took the card I so carefully, gently, and generously wrote, but made no comment on it (not even a thank you).
Hours later, he set out a hurriedly written card for me. It said, among mostly talking about his disappointment with me, “all of my good memories are from so many years ago…you were a great wife many years ago…”
A few years ago, I would have been devastated by this. I have steadfastly supported my husband in every imaginable way, and sacrificed my own career, and over time, my health, to help him become a success in business and in family life.
Now, reading the card, I almost laughed. Not in ridicule, but because I now see so clearly the consequences of his selfish refusal to grow, to be responsible for himself or his actions, or to do his part in creating a healthy marriage.
He “ remembers “ me as a “ good wife” when I was so desperate for “ stability “ that I catered to his every whim, sacrificing my own needs and desires, to the point of nearly erasing myself.
It is only over the last few years, growing in my CORE, that I have gained a clearer vision of who I am, what a healthy marriage looks like, what boundaries are, and how a true Biblical wife conducts herself ( very different from how I was raised…as a self-defeating people pleaser).
My husband doesn’t like the consequences of his actions, attitudes, and choices: they have created distance between us, and make connection and emotional safety impossible.
He doesn’t like the fact that I now have boundaries, and no longer coddle him or get drawn into his dramatic selfishness.
He regrets the distance between us, lack of connection, and lack of intimacy…and consistently blames me for all of it.
But those are the very real consequences of him refusing to be responsible for his actions, for being someone that I can’t talk to, who has no interest in listening to me, who I can’t trust to care about or respect me, and who says he has no empathy for me; yet who expects me to constantly listen to and support him ( which I still do, consistent with my values).
He gets angry and defensive if I show up as a separate individual with my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, or needs, no matter how gently expressed; the consequence is that I can’t safely share anything remotely important with him.
I do a lot of listening, but now I have boundaries around what I will tolerate, and even more defined boundaries for what I am responsible for ( myself) and what I refuse to accept responsibility or blame for ( his choices, attitudes, behaviors, and their consequences).
Thank you for reinforcing these concepts: “ Love doesn’t require us to call something good that isn’t good. Love doesn’t require us to deny what we see. Love doesn’t require us to abandon discernment in order to prove that we have forgiven.”
The thing is…I like myself better as a woman with boundaries, and with God-given self-esteem and self-respect.
In giving up responsibility that was never mine – trying to convince my husband that I’m his equal partner, worthy of respect and care; to manage his emotions, and to “keep him happy” – I have a newfound peace. I can finally stop looking for solutions to problems that were never mine to solve.
He is not happy with the consequences of his actions, but only he can remedy the damage he has caused.
After years of requesting consideration, I can feel at peace in saying, I’ve done all I can to make the marriage healthy. I can’t be more than 50%.
I can still emotionally support him. But now I am emotionally supporting myself too.
Thank you, and thanks to all of LV & Co, for helping me, and all of us, along this journey.
Your 40 year anthology was a wonderful gift. If you have children, maybe they would enjoy the kind and thoughtful documentary. Your sentiments were well expressed and have given me a lot to ponder. God bless you. Love to you!
Thank you, Christine! Yes, I put the book away, to keep working on later for my kids. Hopefully they will enjoy having a record of their childhood and young adult years, and I have enjoyed revisiting those years as well. Blessing to you!
You are doing good work for yourself, Living in Grace! Thank you for sharing!
I am SOOOOO sick of well-meaning Christians saying what essentially comes out to this:
Me: Points out the arm-pit tall weed and grass and the trash all over the metaphorical yard of my husband and how it is affecting me.
Them: Points to the little patch of crabgrass in the back of my yard and my pot of petunias needs deadheading after the rainstorm and basically says I’m not allowed to judge, point out, or do anything about his yard unless mine is perfect.
While my husband has amended some of his behavior so it is a little easier to live with him, he has never repented. Never said sorry. And, I don’t know if this is worse, doesn’t even seem to remember it. So, sometimes those past events will hit me. I remember what he said, what he did and how it really was never dealt with. I didn’t get the help I needed from the people who should have helped me, and now the man who inflicted all this pain doesn’t even seem to remember that he inflicted it. I’m pretty sure he’s taking this all the way to the grave and I will never have any sort of resolution. So, yeah, remembering these things does sometimes feel like keeping a record of wrongs.
This reminds me of Leslie’s teaching about a healthy sinner vs an unhealthy one. Healthy sinners will acknowledge their sin, repent, and move to restore. Unhealthy sinners don’t care what they have done, and don’t care about correcting their behaviour.
Katy, I can understand why remembering feels so complicated when what happened was never acknowledged or repaired. But remembering something so you can make sense of its impact is not the same as keeping a record so you can hold someone in debt. Your pain does not become less real because he doesn’t remember it. Glad you are part of the community!
Thank you for asking this question. It was very relevant to my situation as well. My husband often quotes the love passage to say I should keep no record of wrongs. He says I’m living in fear and living in the past when I bring up reasons I don’t trust him enough to be alone with him or move back in. Sometimes I like to point out that “the past” that I’m living in supposedly just happened again yesterday.
I appreciate the clarity between holding onto wrongs to condemn vs having discernment and letting the fruit of someone’s behavior speak for itself.
It hasn’t changed in 5 years, why would I expect it to be any better next weekend?
Thank you!
Yes, Havilah. There is a big difference between living in the past and learning from the past. If the same behavior continues to happen, it isn’t really “the past.” It is information about what is happening now. I’m glad the distinction between keeping score and discernment was helpful.
I hadn’t really thought of that before – holding them to standards that they don’t have for themselves. That’s very helpful.
Terri, I’m glad that stood out to you. I think it can be such a freeing distinction: we can hold ourselves to godly standards without taking responsibility for making someone else meet them. That’s where responsibility and control can get confused.
I like this response, however, I do have one caution: I have found that many churches have people in leadership who are not supportive of women. They say they are, but often, when women come to them asking for help to show their husbands how their behavior has affected them, the women are met with more condemnation, and they are blamed for the problems in the marriage. Even pastors wives will tell women that they need to submit more, serve more, and shrink more. Holding a man up as “next to God” and preserving the marriage are often more important than a woman’s safety and agency. Churches and men are really good at weaponizing scripture against women. If you’re going to get the church ministerial involved in your marriage issues, make sure the church has already shown that it will support you, not harm you further. SO many women have been harmed by church leaders when they asked for help. Ask me how I know.
Donna, I agree with this caution, and I’m grateful you raised it. Involving church leadership is not automatically a safe or helpful step. Sadly, some women have been deeply harmed when they reached out for help and were met with blame, pressure to submit or reconcile, spiritual manipulation, or Scripture used against them.
Safety has to come before following a process that could place a woman at greater risk. Matthew 18 does not require someone to confront an unsafe person, disclose sensitive information to unsafe leaders, or remain in a situation that is harmful in order to pursue reconciliation. If there is abuse, intimidation, coercive control, or a legitimate concern about retaliation, getting wise, informed support before involving church leadership may be essential.
And I would encourage women to look at the fruit of a church’s leadership before trusting them with something this vulnerable. Do they understand abuse and coercive control? Do they take a woman’s concerns seriously? Do they protect her safety and agency? Do they address harmful behavior rather than making the preservation of the marriage the highest goal? Have they demonstrated that they can hold both spouses responsible without automatically blaming the woman?
Thank you for saying this. “Get the church involved” needs more wisdom and discernment attached to it than those four words often convey.
Susan, thank you for fleshing out my comment. I appreciate your input.
Ah, yes. My first h saw me writing in my journal and said, Love keeps no record of wrongs. My response was:
1. You have always said you don’t do anything wrong. Thank you for admitting otherwise.
2. You’d better throw out your Bible, because there are a whole lot of recorded wrongs in there.
Seriously, when something is dealt with, repented of, and forgiven, I don’t think it should be rehashed. God says He doesn’t remember our sins. Same thing, once they’re dealt with, He doesn’t bring them back to His memory. Re-member. Bring back.. He doesn’t forget.
Oh yes. Connie, I appreciate both your humor and the distinction you’re making. There is a difference between keeping a record of wrongs in order to hold someone in debt and remembering what has happened so that we can discern whether something has actually been dealt with.
And I agree with you that when something has been genuinely addressed, repented of, and forgiven, we don’t need to continually resurrect it as ammunition. But forgiveness doesn’t require us to pretend something was never wrong or to ignore what we are seeing in the present. Thank you for adding this important nuance to the conversation.