Am I Crazy, or Is He Controlling?
It’s been an unusual season here at LV & Co. We’re a small team and there’s been a lot of life happening for everyone. We’re all glad to be part of this ministry, and we all have ups and downs. Thank you for your prayers, we’re always grateful for them.
I normally support quietly in the background, making sure these blogs get loaded and scheduled on time and that everyone receives their emails and access and the website stays up and running.
But before that, I was in a destructive relationship myself. In fact, I read Leslie’s book and felt like she might have been writing about me because of how well she seemed to know my life and marriage.
So when I got out of that relationship, I made a bold move and contacted her to see if I could help her in her business in any way. I guess you could say the rest is history.
This reader’s question especially pulled on my heart, so I thought it might be nice to give the coaching team a little break for the week.
Question: I feel like I’m going crazy. I know my husband is jealous and controlling. But he also denies that he is. Which leaves me greatly confused. Two examples of jealous and controlling behavior are number one. I lead worship at a local church and He becomes very upset if I sing a song with another man just me and another man. Even though it is in the church setting on Sunday morning worship. He will walk out of the service and treats me like I did him a great wrong. The second example is that he does not want me to go anywhere without him. He does not like it if I take our children off for a special day to the beach to visit the local Springs or anything like that he is very jealous of that, and he does not want me to do that without him. I feel trapped I feel controlled. It’s driving me crazy. Am I crazy or is he jealous and controlling?
Kim’s Response: Oh sweet friend, I am not a coach. But I’ve been where you are.
Reading your question made me want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug, and since I can’t do that, I thought I would take some time to share my heart with you.
I’d like to gently invite you to read the first two sentences you wrote.
“I feel like I’m going crazy.”
“I know my husband is jealous and controlling.”
When I read that, I hear a woman who is feeling the impact of those behaviors.
So you know those things to be true, but you are living with a man who doesn’t seem to be willing to share a reality with you. He denies that he is jealous and controlling, yet you have concrete examples and evidence of it.
I went through a similar process. I desperately did not want to believe that there was this capital P Problem with my husband and his treatment of me.
He was a Christian. He was a good man. Active in men’s ministry. We had a baby on the way after trying to get pregnant for a long time.
On paper, life was as it should be. We had the house, the dog. People saw us smiling and happy together.
But people didn’t see the silent treatment in the car on the way home from the counseling session where I’d spoken about him in an unflattering way.
I can remember one time we were fighting in the car on the way to a family function. When we arrived, we got out of the car and things were a bit awkward. Then it was as though being with family dissolved the tension. I felt at ease and grateful.
When we got back in the car to leave, it was like a switch flipped.
Suddenly, he was just as angry as he’d been when we parked.
I remember feeling just as you describe. Crazy. Confused. Trapped.
I even went to individual therapy, thinking that the problem was my depression or inability to properly cope with my emotions. Eventually, my therapist started suggesting books to me about emotional abuse and manipulation.
One of my first clues was that I wanted to hide these books from him. I got them on my kindle so I wouldn’t have physical books in the house for him to stumble upon.
Then when my therapist started to suggest the only thing I seemed depressed about was my marriage, I tried to reassure her that I must’ve painted him in a bad light. I convinced her that we should come in together for couples’ counseling.
It’s been twelve years since my divorce was final, and there are still times that I second-guess myself as to how much his mistreatment was harming me.
I can’t promise you that you’ll ever know with certainty.
My encouragement to you is to trust yourself. Try to keep a little diary for yourself of these incidents. You deserve the gift of evidence that you’re not crazy.
That doesn’t mean you have to choose to leave him. You don’t have to decide anything today — least of all what some stranger on the internet suggests you should do.
No person knows better than you what you should do for yourself and your children.
So if I were you, that’s where I would start. Build your own trust within yourself. Find your voice and your courage to determine what boundaries you can set safely.
And ask yourself what you need in order to stay safe and sane. If things ever escalate past confusion into fear for your safety, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is there any hour, no judgment, just to help you talk it through.
Of course if you’re reading this, you probably know that Conquer is a community of women who are or have been there, who are on a journey to grow stronger together.
Your children deserve a strong mother who knows which way North is. I suspect you do know, and I know that it’s hard to stay facing that direction when everything in you wants to believe there’s another path before you.
Friend, has writing something down, even just for yourself, ever helped you see a situation more clearly? Share in the comments.
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Kim, Thank you for your “ behind the scenes work”. It’s important!
Keeping a journal has made a huge difference in my growth journey. After my husband dug through my closet and found my written journal, and then twisted my words and tried to use it against me, I switched to an online format. I’ve downloaded Kindle books, and the printed books that I have, and my old journals, are in a combination locked safe in my office.
Recently, I re-read a file from March 2023. I realized that nothing has changed for the better in my marriage.
My husband is still doing the same unhealthy behaviors, refusing accountability or responsibility for his actions, refusing to change or grow, still blaming me for his attitudes and behaviors.
Regardless of my countless hours of study to improve my own mental health, and repeatedly trying to communicate my desire for a healthy, respectful, mutual relationship…
Seeing that nothing in his behavior has improved in over 3 years really struck me. I finally realized that I truly can’t be more than 50% of a relationship. I’m not insane, demanding, unreasonable, controlling…or any of the other things he accuses me of. I am responsible for myself. I am not responsible for, or in control of, his thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors.
It’s been a very long arc, about 10 years. Even though he has threatened divorce dozens of times ( fewer since I said, Ok), I have not threatened divorce (because that would be immature and unhelpful) or filed ( because I’m still working on my long-term financial plan). But I know the truth, I know what reality is, and I finally realized and accepted that my primary job is to steward myself. Reading my journals ( along with lots of other resources) has helped me see reality.
Thank you for the thanks!
I’m so sorry that happened to you – such a violation of your privacy. But what an impressive pivot to digital! It sounds like you’re really clear on where the problem lies here, and that having your own proof may even be supporting your mental health as well. Praying for you as you navigate all of this, it’s so hard.
Trouble is, these guys often find and read these journals. With my first, I finally journalled, then used my inheritance to fly us to one of the best counselors in the country. I gave him my journal, he took it home to read, the next day he says, “If this is true, we have a big problem.” Then he dismisses me to talk to my h alone and when he called me back in, he said my h had reassured him that I had made it all up. I
These guys are sneaky stalkers. This second one finds everything, has listening idevices around the house (not sure he knows I found some), I m guessing he hacks into my computer, too. My friend wrote her life story on her computer, and just before she died it disappeared. My h has a ‘Hidden Network’ on his computer.
I have few friends, I get isolated, my plans get sabotaged, trips are somehow ruined, special days wrecked. Heaven forbid my eyes sparkle about anything!!
It’s evil. They are jealous prideful babies.
Yes, it’s awful that women have to learn how to hide journals or switch to digital etc. It shouldn’t be so.
I agree 100% on documenting troubling incidences for several reasons:
1. Overtime you will gain clarity, see patterns, and realize you are not crazy,
2. It could help you in divorce proceedings if you go down that path,
3. In my situation post divorce, it confirmed how bad things really were; in fact things were worse than I thought they were.
Since there were mentions about husbands discovering/reading journals and electronic documents going missing, I have a few tech suggestions.
Password your documents:
Set passwords on sensitive documents to keep them from being read by others.(More on strong passwords later.)
Hide documents & folders:
Microsoft has a feature whereby you can hide documents and even entire folders. On the version I use, any tech savvy person could unhide my folders and see the list of my documents, but if those have a strong password, no one would be able to open and read them.
Remove documents from “Recents”:
I also suggest removing any sensitive documents from your word processing software’s “recent documents“ list. This does not delete your document, it only removes it from the list of “Recents.”
Use strong passwords:
One idea is to use the first letter of each word in a phrase and substitute a number for a letter when possible. Then throw in a symbol or two.
For example, the password for:
“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pile of water”
would be: J&Jwuth2fapow!
Another example: “I need to be the best I can be for my children’s sake”
would be:
In2btbIcb4mcs!
This is not complicated; just think of a phrase or a scripture, practice it in your head and maybe write it on paper (and then toss it of course!)
If you need help with technology, I suggest downloading an AI tool such as ChatGPT, Claude, Grok, etc. on your phone or go to the website for these on your computer and simply type, “How do I . . .” These are super easy to use and amazingly helpful!
Lastly, each time you search for things on the internet that you wouldn’t want your h to find out about, be sure to delete your search history when you are done.
Great tips, Debbie! Thank you
Writing it down definitely helps!! I began to write out situations even if I didn’t exactly remember the details.
I learned to see a pattern of thinking in myself AND how I was regularly responded to./interacted with.
That awareness enabled me to self correct as well as know how to decide what I was going to do about another’s behavior and words
If someone found my scribbling and wanted to talk about it, I’d have likely informed them what they read was private and only for me so I wouldn’t discuss it with them.
Dear Bird Song, if you were in a situation where after reading your journals, your husband would be willing to listen to you, discuss your thoughts, and respect your privacy…then congratulations!
Not all of us are in that kind of marriage, and we may have found that safeguarding ourselves, and keeping our thoughts private while working out our understanding of our marriage situation, must be the priority.
Yes, it’s so important to identify the patterns at play. Glad to hear you were able to do that and find the best ways to move forward.
Thank you for all of this helpful information! My husband and I have been separated for 10 months by the end of this month. It was suggested by counselors that we separate because the situation was becoming unsafe for me. In August, we will be married for four years. Throughout the entire marriage his explosive anger ruined many holidays, birthdays, special occasions, and even vacations and getaways that we’re supposed to be a special times for us. I was sitting here this morning, trying to plan a fun outing with some friends and starting to remember some of the good times that I had with my husband. I also started to think that maybe it wasn’t that bad. I went on this blog to find some wisdom. Before I clicked on it, I started to think that I should write down some of the painful incidents in our marriage so I didn’t gloss over them and only look at the good. God led me right to this question and answer! Thank you all for your wisdom! My husband hasn’t spoken to me in about six months. The last time I spoke to him, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has turned this around on me by making up lies and telling others that I was abusive to him. He even turned the Pastor of our church against me and therefore, there has been a lot of church hurt, as well. I no longer attend that church. The truth is, he was psychologically, emotionally, and as he escalated, he was becoming physically abusive as well. All of this, he denies. I still love him, and sometimes I focus on the good parts of our marriage and doubt myself. Thank you, ladies for encouraging me to write down the incidents that we’re so hurtful and destructive that got us to this point of desperation and probable divorce. Whatever happens, I’m so thankful for Jesus! He’s truly healing my heart.
Kris, I pray you will continue to find clarity as you seek wisdom. So many things in these marriages are hidden; if outsiders say you are unsafe, please consider that you truly are unsafe in the marriage.
I understand what you mean about wanting to focus on the good times in the marriage. The good times were what we expected, and worked for…but sometimes those good times aren’t enough to make the marriage a safe place to stay.
I love that you came upon this at just the right time. I love how God works in those ways.
I found that glossing over to be one of the hardest patterns to break. Ironically, after I left it got even harder. Because there were some really good memories mixed in there with all the bad, and as I got away from the bad the good ones were a bit “sticky.” I wish I had more of a journal or log of that relationship. Thankfully I have been able to piece together bits and pieces from emails and texts to friends and family.
If you’re a kind and loving person, you’ll naturally want to see the best in your husband. In some ways, that can be a good thing – especially if there is a path to staying in a way that’s safe and sane. But the truth is more important. Keep documenting. You may also want to reach out and find an advocate in your area since you mentioned he had escalated to physical abuse. Having an expert in your corner there can really help you to stay safe. Here’s a link that might help: https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help/advocates-and-shelters
I’m sorry to hear all these stories of control and abuse. My ex was extremely good at “honey-mooning” me after explosive and abusive behaviours so that hurtful incidents that had happened would be forgotten or seem to be only in my imagination. He was very convincing. The confusion this caused was awful and made it hard for me to see clearly. I began to jot incidents down in “notes” on my phone, along with the dates of when they occurred. This was so helpful. By the time our marriage ended (I finally asked him to leave), I could look back on pages(5years) of recorded evidence that his behaviour was not normal or kind or Christian: the evidence was all there. It was really helpful for the times that I began to doubt my resolve, to be able to look back and see years of abusive behaviours and know I was not crazy.