It’s Still All About His Needs
Morning friend,
For Christmas, I received a compass necklace. Daily it reminds me to live by my compass, not my circumstances. A compass gives you direction when you’re lost. It always points North so that you can find your way forward even in a storm, even when it’s dark, even when you’re tired or confused, or angry. How many times do you feel lost in confusing emotions or difficult circumstances? To get unstuck define your North.
Think of it this way. Name your most important virtues and values. Maybe you’d write down “I value honesty, integrity, connection, relationship with God, good stewardship of my body, mind and spirit.” These are a few of your NORTH STARS. Now, live by your Compass and not your circumstances. They will always give you clarity on your next steps forward.
This week’s question: My husband cheated and then abandoned me and our 5 children for nearly 2 years. He has recently apologized and wants to work things out. I agreed, and we have been taking steps to restore our relationship. He lives 4 hours away, so we only see him every 1-2 weeks for a few days. Recently he has been saying he needs reassurance that we will be together in the end. I think he is getting discouraged because it's taking me so long to “come around”. How do I reassure him I am still willing to work on things, but that I don't have a timeline on my healing? I fear that he will be so discouraged that he will walk away…. again.
Answer: I am so sorry you have had to experience this kind of pain. I’m sure it has not been easy for you to be the sole parent to 5 children for almost 2 years. I agree you do have your own healing to do, and I hope you continue to do it.
Adultery is a serious break in trust. It is a betrayal of the worst kind. It devastates the victim (you) and God says it is grounds for divorce. Yet, you did not initiate that option over the past 2 years. I assume you waited, hoping, praying he would come to his senses and repent. Now you say he’s apologized but he wants your reassurance that all will be well… in the end.
Let’s take first things first. What is your NORTH? What’s most important to you to be the kind of person you want to be? From what I gathered from your question, you want to be a good mom to your kids. You want to be a godly woman. You want to be healthy. And you value connection and marriage, that’s why you didn’t divorce him right away. But what else? Make a list.
You said you don’t have a timeline for your healing. You’re right, but can you think of what you need to heal? What’s most important for you to become you again? To live unafraid? If you were hit by a car and in the hospital’s intensive care unit, your first priority would be your own healing, not making sure your husband is reassured you won’t give up on him.
The very fact that he asks you to promise him a positive outcome shows me he’s not truly repentant for what he’s done to you and the children. He may have apologized but what does that mean? Words are easy, but a change of heart is different. John the Baptist said to the religious leaders, “Prove by the way you live that you’ve repented of your sin and turned to God.” Matthew 3:8
Two of the main fruits (signs) that a person has truly repented of their sin is that they understand and show care for the pain and suffering they have caused the other person by their sin. They also feel grateful for the opportunity to make amends for that impact. They don’t act entitled to forgiveness or make demands on the victim.
The fact that your husband is still wrapped up in himself shows he hasn’t changed. Adultery and abandonment are very self-centered sins. He was ONLY thinking about himself, not you, not your kids, for two years. From what I can tell, he is still ONLY thinking of himself. He might not be committing adultery now, but he’s still focused on his own feelings and needs, not on yours.
I hear that you prefer reconciliation to divorce. That’s a noble desire. But do you want a repeat of your previous life? I hear that you are taking steps toward restoration, but are they the right steps? Has he done his own work of healing and understanding why he cheated and abandoned you and his 5 children for 2 years?
Friend, what your husband did is not a marriage problem. It’s a personal character and sin issue that he must face and address before any possibility of true marital healing and reconciliation can take place. His self-centeredness is still apparent, even as he causes you to fear he will leave again if you don’t cave in and reassure him. How can you promise things will work out when he doesn’t seem to have done any of his own work to get healthy? That would be foolish, and I think you know that. So put in your COMPASS that you want to be wise. A wise person discerns when someone is truly changed or not.
Here's something you might say to him. “I’ve waited for two years for you to come back home. I am willing to continue to see if you’re changing. But I can’t make any promises because I don’t trust you yet and I have my own healing to do. I need you to do your own work of healing and growing. We can’t fix this marriage if you don’t examine what was going on in you, that gave you a green light to cheat on me and abandon our family for two years. I still love you and want our marriage to thrive, but I can’t promise you that it will if you don’t do your own work to heal. We can’t rebuild broken trust in our marriage until we do our own work of healing our own selves.”
Then watch and see what happens. That statement might be a wake call for him that he takes seriously and even thanks you for being such a good helpmate instead of an enabler. Or it’s possible he will get angry, defensive, and discouraged. You must allow him to show you who he is. That tells you what’s most important to him. Is it his growth and restoration with you, the children, and God? Or is it more about his comfort and his convenience? It’s important for you to see where he truly is, so you can make good decisions for you and your children moving forward.
Friend, what words of wisdom would you give this sister from your own experiences of betrayal and/or abandonment?
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This is 100% accurate. I am living this exact scenario. My husband is giving me timelines , even-though his personal recovery has been slow.
I am going to present what the blog stated to say to him and watch for his response. Then I will need courage to listen to my own Compass.
I think that when determining what our compass looks like, the question should be what God desires for our lives and not what we decide should be our most important virtues and values. If that were the case, many would be traveling in the wrong direction because its what THEY feel is most important (what seems right to them) and not in a direction that is where God wants us to go. Gods way is not always the easiest way, but its always the right way.
So don’t live by YOUR compass, but by the compass provided to you in Gods word.
Spell out the specifics of what God wants for her, please.
Please spell out the specifics of what God wants for this woman.
i believe the author has already recognized that this is a godly woman who has put God first. Therefore, it wasn’t necessary to include God in the equation bc it was a given. This woman’s problem isn’t about putting God’s ways first. Her problem is discerning what is holy, loving and kind and what is a deception of enabling. Hubby is clearly revealing he’s concerned about himself, NOT her and the kids. So i think God’s compass that she unclear about is “how do I discern if he’s coming back bc he wants and needs, OR bc God has touched his heart. This is an EPIDEMIC problem in the Church. Most pastors would read this and say “YOU MUST take him back immediately, he’s sorry.” Which is why I love Leslie’s page. Her response is the holy and Godly one “Is it wise? is he repentant? or am I being deceived–again?” Laura Petherbridge
You are correct Laura. My reply was not so much around providing advice for the situation in the posted question as it was more of a concern for the advice provided in the setup for the illustration of the compass in determining where a persons North should be headed… My point is that a person looking to be a Christ follower should have their North set on Christ and not on what we think is good or important… like for many, its being happy.
I do feel that the direct advice towards the original question is sound with good questions they should ask themselves and ask the husband, yet for some reason I sense a tone of discouragement rather than that of hope for the relationship. I can’t help but wonder if that tone (and maybe its just something I seem to perceive) breeds contempt among readers of this blog. I’m sad that no one has offered up any words of prayer or encouragement that this persons husband will come back into good relationship with God and her as his spouse as she seems to truly desire. Lets all hope that this guys will open his heart to a place God can bring him home!
Joann, I have been separated since July 3rd after sharing truths to my husband he cannot accept. He has no desire to change. To him I am the problem because I have a problem with his problem that his pride will not allow him to see. He is not repentant. I continue to pray that God will change his heart. So far nothing has changed. We cannot change another person. Only God can! But, God cannot change an unwilling heart. It is up to me to pave the next steps for my life either with my husband or without. I am pressing forward in my life and for my children. That is my current situation. It has been unbelievably hard, but God has been with me and guiding me through each step of the way. I absolutely want my marriage to be restored but not at my expense. So, if there is no true repentance like Leslie mentioned then I will have no part in getting back with him. I will not allow myself to be a part of past behaviors and enable them. Sometimes loving well means letting go. I love what Lysa Teurkurt new book states “How to love well without losing the best of who we are”. Blessings to all of us as we try our best to move forward in God’s direction. Prayer is the key!
Perfect application of God’s principles. Praying continued healing for the entire family and continual growth in relations with God Almighty. Only He can heal the brokenness we experience in life.
A great appraisal of the post. Thank you!
absolutely!
Hey Joann, let me push back a little on your answer if I may. I hope you hear it in the spirit I intend – to invite a deeper conversation around this issue. If God created us to all do the same, have the same virtues and values at the top of our list, then why did he create us with a choice? We would all be robots doing the same thing. But that’s not how God made us. If a person has a desire to follow God and listen to his commands, it’s obvious that they would have godly virtues and values as their compass. The fruit of the Spirit are part of our growth. But what is their NORTH? So for some Christians perhaps the virtue of honesty and truth telling is MOST important. Perhaps for other Christians their NORTH is being kind and loving towards others. Perhaps for others their NORTH is speaking out against injustice and helping the poor. It’s not that they don’t have those other values, but not as their most important. If we’re all Christians here, why different NORTHS? Because God did not create us all the same. He’s put different interest, different desires, different capabilities within each one of us. NO ONE – even JEsus could do everything. But what’s most important to us is a personal question. Certainly guided by prayer and spiritual guidelines if we are a believer, but so many women are told who they should be. What they should want. How they should think, that they don’t do the hard work to dig deep and ask God for what purpose did he make them? Hope this clarifies it for you and others.
I don’t understand why you would say that Jesus doesn’t have the ability to do everything in what I assume to be in the context of bearing all the fruits of the spirit… Jesus is God.
As Christians we are to follow the model that Jesus Christ displayed for us in his time of being God on earth as a human man amongst us. So yes, the Christ follower should have their compass set in one direction and that is in the way that has us walking, talking, thinking and being the most Christ like that we can be.
Yes, God did give us one choice where it really matters and that choice is to pursue Christ likeness or go do what we think is best for us….. So as a Christ following Christian we should all have the same virtues and values and desire that for everyone around us.
The way that Leslie seems to be describing virtues and values seems to be more along the lines of spiritual gifts where some people have stronger gifting in some areas vs. others. With spiritual gifts we want to hone in on our strengths to be the person and do the work God created us to be in the body of Christ, but with values we want to work to overcome our weak areas to grow to be the most Christ like person we can be…. you would never choose to not be honest because you are good at being patient and kind.
The discussion on the accuracy on the compass illustration is getting off topic of the original question posted, but I think having a solid understanding of what it means to be a Christ follower is critical to making Godly decisions for ourselves and provide Godly council to others. If you made the choice to follow Christ, then pretty much all the important choices are already made for you in how you should conduct your life.
Joanne, technically I don’t disagree with what you write but even believers still have choices. Obey or not obey. Walk in wisdom or walk in your own way. David made bad choices and abused his power as King to abuse Bathsheba and kill her husband. Yet he is described as a “man after God’s own heart.” His COMPASS was directed towards SELF not GOD in that moment. Paul rebuked people in the church for still living immoral lives. Why does he tell believers to put off the old, put on the new if once you “decide” to follow Jesus there are no other choices to make? AND in light of the woman’s question “Do I choose to subjugate my own need for healing and timeline for rebuilding marital trust for the sake my husband’s feelings, or do I not?” That’s a choice she must make even as she wants to follow God. Yes or No? Typically Christian women who read this blog feel guilty for putting their own feelings or needs before their husband’s feelings or needs. I want women to think about that harder. So many women think/believe/have been taught – not to think about what their next right choice is and how to make good choices, even as they want to be a follower of Jesus. Peter made a bad choice. Even though Jesus warned him he would, he still did, yet he was a follower of Jesus. So I think we must learn to make good choices for ourselves and not just default to what someone tells us to do, or what someone tells us is “God’s will for us.”
Absolutely, Joann, thanks for that response.
Trusting in our own goals will always be the wrong direction if our goals are not His…
I totally agree that he has not changed. This is a sin issue that became a marital issue when he chose to act it out with adultery. The sin issue looks like its still there. If he’s not willing to change and grow in character then he is not going to be a good husband or father. He will only break all of your hearts again. He needs to prove he has repented by turning away from what brought him to make that choice in the first place and turn towards God’s will for his life not his own will. We know where that leads. I’m dealing with the same situation. The difference is that after marital counseling it became obvious that he has no interest in changing himself only in getting me to accept an unhealthy relationship. However, I’m not willing to do that anymore and I’m working towards severing the relationship. Even filing for divorce has not woken him up. He just feels sorry for himself instead of doing anything about it. Be strong and don’t let him back in the house until he’s proven he’s changed. He has the burden of proof here not you.
Well said, Jamee. If only we all had access to, or, in my case, had accepted , such counsel before we had to repeat such heartbreak over and over again. What could we have done in our own growth or for the Kingdom with that energy?
Well said, Jamee! My desire is for my marriage to also be restored. But not at my expense. I still continue to pray for him, but I will not take the chance of returning to accepting the same behaviors. I’m growing me, but I cannot grow him. And them feeling sorry for themselves with no desire to change keeps them remaining in a dark and grungy place. They are making that choice for themselves. We cannot change or make that choice for them. The Lord is good and I’m trusting His plan even if it is not my plan. At the moment, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but not in the direction I had hoped for. But, I’m no longer drowning trying to keep him from drowning either. Loving well is sometimes letting go as sad as that is. Blessings!
I think what you said is true her husband is thinking about himself not the marriage. If I look at myself and my marriage he needs to show more action in showing his wife that he is changed man and is still changing the way God wants us to be towards our spouses and loved ones. This a hard calling to love your spouse more then you love yourself as Jesus Christ died for His followers.
God’s Word gives permission to divorce this type of man. Signs are there that an authentic change has not occurred. Work hard to heal and grow out of the tendencies that would keep you in unhealthy relationships. You and your children deserve better.
This woman has been living as a divorced woman for years….there are just no papers filed yet with her civil authorities that would give her legal and financial redress. Lots of us women lived as “divorced” looooong before any paperwork is filed. We don’t have the whole story on this gal, but I hope she has taken steps to protect her finances, her credit, her phone, etc. to ensure privacy and protection on all fronts regardless of what happens with her [non]-relationship going forwards.
I think the “C” of CORE applies here. I am finding that my commitment to truth and reality can wain at time. I spent many years in denial, magical thinking, and other defense mechanisms in order to cope. Truth can be so painful but keeping focused on Gods faithfulness and promises help me to see the truth. No matter the outcome I will be okay. It can be based on ultimatum s or veiled threats . You could view this as a temptation and give in out of fear. Does that sound like God? Absolutely not!
Sorry CANNOT be based on threats… needed to clarify
I’m just guessing here, and I would hate to tear down your husband; but it almost sounds like this man could be at a crossroads whether to keep seeing other people or not. I wonder if the distance feels to him like a curtain for privacy in a way. Hopefully you are able to figure out your plan of moving forward. You are most likely the best judge of whether you can move forward or not with your husband. It seems like the ball is in your court now, so if you need a while, you just need a while. It could be that he is just hurting and thinks he wants reassurance from you, That isn’t what it sounds like. It sounds like he is wondering if it will be worth it to live right (clean up his act) and wait on you to know what you want.
I agree with you, Peachy. I wondered if his adulterous relationship ended so he thought to come back. I love the verse cited earlier, that his actions, not his words, are what should guide her decisions. Too often we fall for the hollow promises when in fact nothing has changed.
Praying for you lady. This sounds like things may not have not worked out for your husband the way he planned with his affair partner that he left you and your children for. Have you examined carefully why he has now come back to you? What’s his motive? Only time and doing what Leslie has suggested can reveal this to you. What right does he have to ask your assurance? He abandoned you and his 5 children for his own evil desires. This is wicked and selfish. Don’t allow him to waltz back in because his family is convenient and comfortable for him. Tell him he can live on his own while you and your children heal in your own time and he proves he loves you and the children and he’s truly repentant. If he agrees, great. If he doesn’t then he locates his heart. You are a precious woman, highly valuable and deserving of love. Not someone to be used and abused by a selfish man. You’re worth so much more then that.
My husband is doing the same thing. Orchestrating run-ins to gauge where I’m at with letting him come home. He’s been telling me he’s changed and is doing all the right things, yet is still trying to force me into an answer, outcome and conversation. So still all about him. I feel for everyone commenting here- committing to reality at all costs has been so deeply painful but I do believe it’s part of the “truth that sets us free”. Gods with all of us as we process- even make mistakes- and I’m praying- no I know- He will use all of this for His Glory.
Hi Lesile and ladies of the blog,
My wife had an emotional affair with my brother two years ago. We went to marriage counseling, and my pain was dismissed as it wasn’t fully physical affair. We did marriage maintenance not repair. I was then told I wasn’t “doing the work” and had anger issues by my wife. She has been through sexual abuse in her past relationship, and was encouraged by the counselor to explore this area in trauma recovery groups. I worked very hard to forgive my brother, and to rebuilt our relationship. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve went through celebrate recovery and was dealing with so much confusion, I diagnosed myself with borderline personality disorder. My wife has many books on the brain and disorders and I could see myself having a difficult time regulating my emotions and it seemed to fit. I read that there wasn’t really any cure, just something to live with. So, when she told me to seek therapy I dragged my feet. She began her own therapy, and started asserting herself, telling me how I needed to respect her boundaries, and she moved into the spare bedroom. We seemed to stop talking, as if I got angry she would shut down the conversation and leave the area. I’ve listened to many of the relationship podcasts, and I can see I was guilty of raising my voice, and being defensive, accusing and assuming. I would reflect on these and write apologies for things I said that I realized were wrong. Almost two months ago, she told me I needed to move out so she could have time and space. If I didn’t it was showing disrespect to her. I left respecting her wishes, with no roadmap to reconcile. I was supposed to work on myself and let go of my anger. I’ve been through therapy, and found I do not have borderline disorder. Last week, I asked if there was a new plan to start joint consoling, now that I have a month’s worth of therapy. Not moving in, just starting to communicate more than hour before celebrate recovery service one night a week. She said no, and I should write down all the things I’ve done wrong, as I don’t take ownership of the hurts I have caused in the marriage. I am very confused and hurt.
Before I left I asked her to put the problem in her own words. I’ve been to two therapists and I am still am confused:
“There is a spirit that comes up between us and it is the spirit of control. It seeks to silence my voice and keep me in slavery and servitude. When I speak my needs, my voice is dismissed, minimized, doubted and criticized. When I speak, I am not heard, understood, valued and respected. According to the “Boundaries in marriage” book, one spouse controlling the other is a form of slavery and will lead to rebellion. It also says that it puts one spouse in a position of power and authority, causing the other spouse to rebel, and leave and cleave to another. The freedom they feel becomes intoxicating and they fall into affairs like a sheep led to slaughter. I recognize that this is what I did, whether consciously or unconsciously in an act of rebellion. I do not feel like I have my own identity within this relationship, and when I try to assert myself, I am not respected, believed, or taken seriously. The more I speak up, the more I feel like I am being controlled in response. This relationship is not healthy, and I feel like my mind and emotions are constantly being played with. I feel controlled by my good nature and compassion, and that you know how to use my emotions to get the action, reaction, or responses that you need to feel in control, or that your behavior is somehow justified. I feel that in asking for a separation, I am choosing a healthier alternative to the poor choices I have made in the past which led to the emotional affair. I feel frustrated that my words seem to be of no importance, that you will move out at the end of the month. I have no confidence that my wishes will be respected. I expect excuses, justifications and more guilt to come. I feel that I can do nothing about this spirit of control that has been at work between us. I feel that I am trapped by it and it is poisoning my spirit and our relationship. I feel helpless, and would like you to take responsibility for how you treat me and do the work to change those behaviors. I feel that trust cannot be reestablished unless this issue is dealt with. I will need time to see that change has taken place and that I can be my own person with my own identity within the relationship.”
Can you offer some insight?
Snert, she is describing life with an abusive man. Have you looked up anything about coercive control and Narcissistic Personality disorder? Are you familiar with the Duluth Model Power and Control wheel? Google it. Read one of Leslie’s books and try Lundy Bancroft’s book too, “Why does he do that?”
Thank you for your resources. I found Lundy’s Bancroft’s book as a PDF and it was quite insightful. I am familiar with Narcissistic personality disorder, as it was a subject I brought up with my therapist. I had seen the Duluth Model Power and control wheel in my Door of Hope class. I hadn’t heard the term coercive control, so I’ll look into it. I haven’t read Leslie’s books yet, I have listened to many of the podcasts in the last couple of days. Again, thank you for your help!
Glad I could be of assistance. Dr. Les Carter has material online, as well as a teaching course. Have you visited Henry Cloud’s site and/ or read his “Boundaries” books? Chirs Moles works with Leslie. She may have resources for him as well. If you are struggling with power and control issues, there is little to no hope of overcoming the personality disorder that causes your problem.
I am thinking Snert, if you had to bring up NPD to your therapist, you probably need a new therapist. Your wife’s letter spells out her struggles with an abusive person who most likely has this personality disorder. If you therapist didn’t pick that up, again, find someone who does.
Have you read “People of the Lie” by F. Scott Peck?
Dear Snert – first of all, just the fact that you are here, reading this blog and commenting and putting yourself out there shows, to me, that you ARE putting in work. I believe you that you are trying to understand her, and feel like you are working towards what she is asking of you in the best way you know how. From what I am reading in just this short post, you may both be on the healing journey, but she needs more time to heal, and to rebuild trust. Maybe it’s a man vs woman thing, or perhaps it is the size (or perceived size) of each of your wounds that need different amounts of time to heal. But if you truly do want the relationship restored, pressure from you will not help but only hinder her healing. Give her space but make sure she knows the door is open. She has to want and be ready to walk through it. That waiting time sucks, I’m sure! May God give you patience and endurance, and also help provide you with the healing and change YOU need, directly from the Source.
If I may be so bold, may I suggest something based off my own story? Your wife’s letter sounds a lot like one I would have written to my husband when our marriage was at its worst. I was wrestling with what some of the other ladies have suggested, seeing signs of possible NPD and/or BPD, but being unable (or unwilling?) to believe that it was intentional. He had a traumatic childhood and for a while I attributed it to unhealed childhood trauma, but he truly felt like he didn’t have unhealed wounds. When I asked him to come with me to marriage counseling, he agreed, and also met with the counselor on his own. She suggested that he get tested for Asperger’s (now called high functioning Autism), and he agreed, so we now know that he has been living with undiagnosed autism for almost 40 years! It explained soooo much, and we are now both working on healing and also learning new tools specific to the different way his brain works. Is that something that you might be willing to look into? There are many different tests you can do yourself online, and if it does indicate that might be a possibility for you, a big thing is that “conventional” therapy and marriage counseling don’t work/help, a whole different Asperger’s/Autism toolbox may be required. Just a thought…
Either way, a few resources that might help you understand her part of the process, and what you can do in the meantime, are Lysa TerKeurst’s “Forgiving what you can’t forget”, and Danny Silk’s KYLO Show (Keep your love on), specifically the early episodes about the Irresponsibility Cycle. Plus the Boundaries resources recommended by others. May God heal you both, and restore your marriage!
God does not give us the spirit of fear..fear of man leads to making poor decisions. I pray this dear woman will take her time and ask her husband deep questions about why the affair and why it took 2 years and how he thinks his decision to abandon her and their children has affected them (not himself…he has apparently spent much time on that already). Those type of uncomfortable questions need to be answered with humility and repentance. Ask, listen, weigh the answers on your scale and in your time. Giving in to selfish demands will not fix the problem of broken trust which is HUGE in marriage. A quick-fix reconciliation is not the best solution. I made that mistake and deeply regret it decades later. We remarried but never reconciled. The trust has never been repaired since I am the only one who had theirs broken. Making amends for sin is not what mockers pursue.
Hard-won wisdom, Sherry. Thank you for sharing it. God bless you
I only wish that a much younger me had seen and embraced this advice 18 years ago. Similar circumstances began a cycle that that took me through continuous drama and heartbreak fron my 30’s into my 50’s. Change never came. 10 affairs and numerous separations later, I realized he never changed and never intended to, he just manipulated me into thinking he had, so I could be his “back up plan”. He even got involved in the Men’s Ministry, the audiovisual team at church and got baptized. Only to leave again when he got restless. Finally I asked myself, how much is my willingness to accept this treatment to do with fighting for my marriage – or how much has it to do with not trusting God to provide and walk with me through life without him? Instead of chasing my husband , I turned and started chasing God and my life changed. I began to see who I was in His eyed- a beloved daughter, who He has a purpose and a plan for. I couldn’t accomplish His plans for me crippled with a broken spirit. I love my husband, I care for him, I pray for him, I treat him with kindness whenever we do speak, which isn’t often since the last time he left 18 months ago. I encourage him to seek the Lord for his own wellbeing. We haven’t filed for divorce yet, but I accept that the marriage is done. I have sad moments, but I trust God to see me through. And in return, He has given me hope, peace, purpose and joy that defies all understanding. Don’t let decades pass you by before you shift your pursuit from someone who is always bound to run to someone Who has always been running towards you. God bless you.
Eileen, thanks for sharing your story. It’s beautiful and inspiring how you’re trusting God for your future and finding a whole new life! God bless!
Very wise and spirit driven advice!
Knowing when and how to reconcile is difficult, especially when one person has committed grevious sin against the other, and isn’t fully willing to own what they’ve done. This takes great discernment on the part of the person wronged. https://carolineabbott.com/2013/09/how-can-an-abuse-victim-know-ifwhen-to-reconcile/
OMG…CAN WE SAY SPOT ON???!!! HUUUUGE!!!!!