Is Pornography Considered Adultery?
Morning friend, I will be speaking at the Lighthouse Christian Church on October 23rd. If you’re local, come join me. I’d love to meet you. We’re talking about recognizing healthy and toxic relationships and how to heal from destructive ones.
Today’s Question: Is viewing pornography and or masturbation biblical grounds for divorce?
My husband and I reached out to a couple that are leaders at our church for godly help. They stated that they do not believe that viewing pornography is biblical grounds for divorce because a physical person is not involved. The couple quoted the scripture Matthew 5:28. Can you provide some insight?
Answer: Sadly, today men (and women) struggle with pornography, masturbation, and sexual addiction. Satan has a foothold into people’s hearts and homes and the church hasn’t done a very good job at validating the devastating effects this habit has on one’s mind, body, spirit, and marriage.
I’m so sorry your church has not taken a strong stand considering the well-documented damage pornography has on a person’s mind, sexual abilities, as well as intimate relationships.
I believe church leaders are often reluctant to come down hard on this problem because they fear what might happen. According to surveys conducted by Barna Research, a sizable percentage of pastors also struggle with pornography problems. If they accept that repeated and unrepentant porn use is Biblical grounds for divorce, many marriages will end.
Even secular research and brain science speak about the damaging effect of habitual porn use. Here is an article and TED talk that every adult and ministry leader should watch. It’s sobering.
http://sexual-sanity.com/2013/02/ted-talk-highlights-brain-changes-that-stem-from-porn/
Jesus takes this issue of pornography seriously using the very passage your church leaders referred to. He says, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even your good eye- causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand – even your stronger hand – causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-30
Jesus says, don’t mess around. He tells people to take decisive action if they have this problem. Gouging out your eye or cutting off your hand will not keep you from lusting, but what Jesus meant was, DO what it takes to deal with this problem NOW. Sadly, many men don’t listen, and even more sad is Christian people helpers don’t confront it seriously.
[Tweet “People believe the lie that they can play with fire and won’t get burned.”] But they’re wrong. The Bible is full of warnings about sexual immorality and the consequences of unbridled lust.
For example, Paul writes, “there should be no sexual immorality among us and that such sins have no place among God’s people.” He goes on to say that “we should not be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.” And later he tells us to “expose the worthless deeds of evil and darkness.” (See Ephesians 5)
Does this mean porn is the same as adultery? Jesus says it is, as does Peter (2 Peter 2:14). And if it’s repeated and unrepentant, I believe it is Biblical grounds for divorce as in adultery. The important question that determines what happens next is what is your husband’s response to his problem of pornography and lust?
Does he hate it? Is he repentant? Is he doing everything within his power to stop and eliminate this habit, this sin, this pleasure, even when it costs him? For example, is he willing to be without Internet access? Is he willing to put controls on his computer? Is he going for help with his thought life? Is he honest and open with you and others about his struggle? Is he willing to be held accountable? And, is he grateful for a wife who holds him accountable for his behaviors so that he doesn’t burn himself and his entire family down to the ground with his own foolish fantasies or actions?
If so, then your initial response would be gracious and forgiving, coupled with an uncompromising stance against allowing such evil in your home and marriage. No woman in her right mind, Christian or otherwise, would allow her husband to bring another woman into their home to have sex.
In the same way, if your husband is not repentant or desiring and willing to change, you should not turn the other way, or close your eyes to your husband ogling other women or watching pornography. It degrades you, diminishes him, and demeans the women he ogles.
It’s time all women draw a line in the sand for the wellbeing of other women, their marriage, family, and their spouse and say, “No more. If that’s what you want I can’t stop you, but I won’t live like this.” [Tweet “I won’t be in a marriage with a man who prefers a fantasy life to a real life.”] I won’t be in a marriage with a man who prefers a fantasy life to real life, who uses pornography as a prop to deal with his own inadequacies instead of facing them. (For more on this watch my YOUTUBE video on Why Men Watch Porn. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7duUV7CJjOc&t=142s)
This is a tough stance, but Jesus and Scripture call us to take a tough stance. If your husband or church won’t, you must. If you don’t your husband will continue to behave as if he can have his cake and eat it too. He can enjoy all the perks of home, marriage, and even family but still live treacherously and lustfully. You can choose. Don’t let him.
Remember, this is not just his life it’s your life and your children’s lives. Your strong stand may be the one thing that will get his attention and hopefully motivate him to face his issue. If he refuses, then it’s time you quit enabling his habit to destroy you and your children.
Friend, when have you had to take a strong stand on this issue? Has your church supported you or enabled him?
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My third attempt at posting a response. Got the message “post too fast”
Autumn, can you please send this to [email protected] who is my admin for tech things for our site. I have not seen your response here at all and i have been checking since there seems to be a problem.
Still no comments here. Are we still having trouble with the blog?
Hi JoAnn, we are moderating the blog comments so the spam comments does not infiltrate.
A+ awesome truth
Porn is puke and it contributes to chaos in a marriage as well as in the lives of the addict performers and producers of it
JoAnn, I see your comment here. I see lots of comments that I trash that are spam etc, But I see your question on this topic. So if there are comments, they should show up.
OK. Thanks. I’m sorry you have to deal with so much trash. We all do, and it’s becoming worse. Bless you.
Great blog. Incredibly helpful! Yet……
I have lost most of my energy to post, because once my initial comment drops, it is hard for me to recapture my gut response and compose another reply.
Wow! I have never looked at it like this. Basically your loyalty belongs to Jesus first. Then we can see clearly and this is radical! If we are taking a stand against sin but live the sinner, God will take it us as we get out of His way so that He can bring that person or mate to repentance. Not standing up against sin just enables that person and doesn’t help them…at all!
I have been married for almost 25 years and just found out that my husband has been masturbating throughout our entire marriage. He says he doesn’t do it often and he’s not looking at pornography (which I believe). But he also says it’s a “health” act, not a “sexual” act and that he’s not having sexual thoughts when he does it, which I do not believe. Before we were married I asked him his view on this subject because it was very important to me and he said he thought it was wrong. I genuinely would not have married him had I known it would be part of our marriage. He truly does not think it’s wrong and he is not repentant and has no intention of stopping. My counselor said it’s a form of infidelity because it’s being done being my back and in secret knowing I wouldn’t approve. Is this still a form of adultry even though it doesn’t involve pornography??
I am so sorry for this. However, I can guarantee you 99.9% he is watching porn, you already have an issue with masturbation then he definitely knows you will have a major issue with pornography. He’s not gonna tell you the truth. If he’s masterbating behind your back it’s definitely to porn, I would not believe him at all. See if he’s willing to use an internet blocker on his phone. I bet he won’t. No man needs to masterbate when he’s married. Your body is to your spouse and it’s your job to pleasure him.
What would you say about a wife that refuses to have sex with her husband and puts him in a position where he is tempted to do all these things ?
Jeff, there may be several reasons why a wife refuses to have sex with her husband . Here are a few common reasons:
One, she might have been abused in the past, which keeps her from intimacy now. If this is the case, counselling is strongly recommended to deal with past abuse.
Two, she may be suffering in health (perhaps physically, but also emotionally, relationally/ socially, spiritually, or mentally) and is just trying to cope with all the changes that happen in a woman’s body and life. Don’t even try to understand the changes! They are complex, and she doesn’t understand them either. In this case, the husband needs to be supportive and encourage her to see a doctor or therapist to make sure she is well-balanced and healthy in each of these areas.
Three, she may feel unloved and uncherished by her husband. If he is not speaking her love language to her, not caring for her heart in a way that she feels loved and cherished, then withholding physical intimacy may be her way of reacting. In this case, the couple needs to work on communication, possibly with a good councillor, and the husband needs to learn how to love her in a way that she actually feels loved. This would be a two-way street, where the husband also shares what makes him feel loved, so she likewise can learn how important physical intimacy is to him.
If a wife has not been abused, and if she is healthy, and if she truly feels loved and cherished by her husband, she will not withhold intimacy from her man.
And fourth, her husband is not reactive to poison ivy and spends his nights in it refuses to shower, and then in intimacy gives poison ivy to his wife and his wife is tired of living with poison ivy. Her husband refuses to stay out of it. What kind of love is that?
Thank you for this awesome, truthful article. This is exactly how I think as a woman. Porn is lust and within marriage it is definitely adultery. I would divorce a husband if he watched porn.
Our pastor enables him and ask me to loosen my boundaries. I left that church as it was not a safe or supportive place for me. The pastor told him not to tell me when he relapsed 6 months ago.
Good afternoon just read your article it is interesting . It may describe the majority of males you deal with, but is not so for all males…(for clarity “Christian” males).Many Christian women in the circles I surround myself simply have stopped sexual activity with their husbands because they feel they can. They do this with no communication to their spouse. Their safe haven ( or excuse) is their Christian faith . Many men brought this issue up to our pastor. He has had some heart to heart sermons directly regarding sex and its importance in relationship .Some relationships in the church have changed most have not. It is a shame that anyone in a faith based relationship would feel led to masterbate…but the importance of sex in a relationship is not enough of a pre marital or ongoing subject . That is a big problem especially after one has said “I do”. There are Christian wives who know their husbands desire them and yet have told their husbands if you burn that much ‘take care of your own self’ said in both a verbal and non verbal ways…hmmmm. Let’s make something perfectly clear you do not need porn to masterbate …you will never convince me of that. The mind is a powerful organ,from talking with others it is easy enough to think of previous experiences with their spouses that enable that one sided sexual experience.We are quick to chastise failing to realize how we hurt the other by what we do and don’t do or say and don’t say. In the name of Christian it is so easy to look at the sin of our spouse and not ask ourselves how much we instigated the situation..I will simply end this with my wife stopped having sex with me almost twenty years ago…it has destroyed us mentally and physically…there is little of a marriage left…her reasoning was based on “just because I could”…the results for her have been devastating..
Just a heads up, the TED Talk link isn’t working. It’s returning a 404 error for me.
Yes, it is adultery! My husband moved on to committing adultery by dissociating and astral projecting— same time every week I was at work. These people are not with Christ—duh. Mine was Catholic with Jewish DNA, so it is a long con of groups the Church wants to get saved, or they have to separate from.
I think it is dangerous to go beyond what the Word says. Jesus is making a point, clearly, when He makes reference to our self righteousness. Just because one hasn’t committed the physical act of adultery, this doesn’t absolve the problem in the heart nor make him/her righteous. But, to say pornography is adultery is akin to saying anger is murder. Clearly, it’s not. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a serious problem of sin in the heart. It should be taken seriously by anyone and any church. A separation of some kind might be warranted if a husband refuses repentance, but it is not biblical grounds for divorce just like someone struggling with anger or rage is not grounds for a life sentence of “murder”. They are not the same, though the sin at the core is devastating and will likely lead to those actions at some point if there isn’t repentance.
Actually Aaron, Jesus said it not me. See Matthew 5:21,22 and 5:28. In these passages it is Jesus that likens anger to murder and pornography/lust to adultery. But I get it, perhaps you’re thinking the consequences should be different if someone is repentant. If you murder someone and they are dead, being repentant doesn’t bring them back to life. But if you’re angry and murder with words but don’t actually physically kill someone, then the ramifications or consequences are less? Proverbs begs to differ. THE BIBLE – not me says “Reckless words pierce like a sword”. Prov 12:18 and “Life and Death is in the power of the tongue” Prov 18:21. I think you are straining for an “out” here. Both adultery and pornography damage you as well as your relationship with your spouse. Out of control anger and murder, are damaging to you as the one who is consumed by anger they’re damaging to the other who you impact, and they are damaging to the relationship. The consequences of sin are REAL and damaging and the relationship is not repaired without serious and permanent change.
Jesus is clear. Porn is adultery. Only those that defend sin have a problem with The Truth.
I feel like Aaron is right on the money here, and you’re the one really straining for your way. Yes, Jesus likens anger murder as well as lust to adultery. But he doesn’t say that people should be imprisoned for anger, nor divorced for lust.
There’s also no biblical imperative to divorce a spouse who has committed adultery. It’s allowed, not required. I have friends who were in that situation, felt like God called them not to leave the cheating spouse, and were eventually rewarded greatly for it. Of course this is not always the case .
Thank you for this excellent article.
M’y husband destroyed our marriage by his continual use of pornography as well as other behaviors.
Their was no repentance, no restoration .
I took a strong stand yet there was no support from the church.
Silence is sometimes the only recourse for a victim
to stay alive but the pain endures.
To God be the glory for his faithfulness.
So sorry. I have experienced the same. Though this is not a very popular stance, I have learned that they reveal their core.
They are children of satan and will never change.
So sorry. I have experienced the same. Though this is not a very popular stance, They are children of satan.
They will never change.
So , Im late to the game but new to the heart ache. My spouse/eternal companion admited to a long standing porn and self love addaction 30+ years, we have been sealed for 23 years. Says he wants to change and realizes whats at stake even told me how he had a dream about eternity without me and how it felt. yet today im pretty sure he did it aging today after telling me he really needed me to help him fix the need. I honeslty dont know if he wants to change, granted its only been 3 days sense he told me. Im just comming out of the shock phase. im so glad I have supportive boss and co workers.. I told him I dont hate him and love him. Im diapointed and frustrated. I was susposed to be the one he came to. And before you think he is deprived he is not, every saturday and almost every evening for just him. I have only wanted that man and to share that sacred experence with him.
Thank you for this post! I do have a question regarding why I consider porn/nudity in media. Since we live in a very porn filled world where we can’t seem to go anywhere or do anything without explicit or indecent images appearing and almost all TV and movies seem to have an element of nudity (even if brief) – how do we draw lines? I guess this question stems from our history – my husband had a porn addiction for 14 years of our marriage and for the past 2 years has been working on pulling away from it. He hasn’t watched porn (that I am aware of) for two years because he is afraid of what I will think of him and what I will do if he does. BUT – he still has a strong desire to see naked women and he said that is a natural desire in all men that will never go away. He also said that most pastors and Christian men would say porn is bad you shouldn’t do it – but then are okay with movies and TV that have porn elements in it (he gives the example of the titanic which he says none of those men would consider that scene porn but he does and is confused as to why it’s okay in movies and gets rationalized)? If he hears of a Christian man watching a show that contains nudity he is very confused and what I would deem as jealous? I think there are two parts here – the first is he feels resentful of me blocking him from his desire to see nudity and it be okay since it isn’t straight porn, etc. the second is – he feels confused because other Christian men and church leaders will talk about movies that contain nudity and that seems like a mixed message to him – but also – how those Christian men are still held up with esteem and viewed well even though they are okay watching graphic movies but if he did the same and talked about a show with graphic elements – I and others would view him poorly. This question is making him unravel internally because he has a huge need for respect – and it’s greatly affecting our marriage because I’m still reeling/healing from his two emotional affairs (that I know of) and 14 years of porn use – and I just don’t understand why he still wants anything to do with anything that might bring him back down that road.