Is My Boundary Threatening Him?
Morning friend,
What have you been doing all summer? Anything new? Let’s share favorite reads, favorite places, favorite movies, favorite new finds with each other. Soon (and for many already) kids will be back to school, routines will return to normal, and before too long we will be talking about holidays. My favorite read this summer is Kristin Hannah’s book, The Women.
Time is interesting. When you’re bored, in pain, or can’t sleep it creeps ever so slowly. And when life is good, the days and years fly by. I’m going to have a birthday soon. I can’t believe I’m this old. Reading Hannah’s book about women who served as nurses in the Vietnam War brought me back to my high school and college years. Time moves fast. And yet, for my 94-year-old father, time has slowed again. The Bible reminds us, “Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).
This week’s question: Can you please help me understand the difference between a boundary and a threat? I've loved learning from you and your team over the past 18 months or so. I really took to heart the message that simply being angry, blaming, or nagging at my husband to change was not going to benefit us. Instead, I accepted his behaviors and adjusted mine accordingly to keep myself safe and sane.
The issue I ran into is when I say things like “If you're going to go more than 15 miles over the speed limit, I'm not going to ride with you” or “If you're going to continue procrastinating on making this decision, I'm just going to decide on this day/time,” he says I'm threatening him.
He basically derails the conversation into what a bad wife I am because I should never threaten him since he maintains that he doesn't threaten me. I feel strongly that there is a difference between setting a boundary and threatening my spouse. I just can't articulate it in a way that is objective and concise. I would love your help with this. Much appreciated.
Leslie’s Answer: Thanks for your question. It’s not uncommon for people to get confused around boundary conversations. And, at times there may be a bit of overlap between wondering if there is an implied threat when stating a boundary. From what you wrote, it sounds as if the main problem might be in the way you phrased your boundary. When you say things like, “If you don’t do what I want you to do, then I’m going to…”, it may lead someone to perceive your statements as more of a threat than a boundary. So how might you have a boundary and a consequence if someone violates that boundary without sounding like a threat?
Before we get into how you might rephrase something, remember this important truth. You have total control over how you say something, but you have zero control over how someone perceives it. Someone may perceive your words as a threat even if that was never your intention. For example, you might say: If you hit me, I’ll call the police. If you curse at me, I won’t continue the conversation. If you choose to watch pornography, I won’t stay married to you. When you declare what action you will take to protect your own self as a result of someone else’s choices or actions, your spouse may perceive it as a threat.
Therefore, the best you can do when that happens is back up and compassionately listen to his concerns. You can ask for a do-over to listen to what bothered him or felt threatening and attempt to rephrase what you want to communicate. Next, watch and see what happens. For example, do you think anything would change if you listened and then said, “Thank you for sharing how you feel. How you feel is important to me and being a good wife is important to me. I have no desire to control you or threaten you. I’m sorry you felt that way. I’d like a chance to rephrase what I need. Are you open to hearing me?”
PAUSE….is he open? Curious? Caring about what you need? If not, what does that tell you? If he is closed, maybe your next sentence might be, “You said you want me to care about how you feel and I do, but I’m sensing that you do not want to hear how I feel. Am I right? PAUSE. Does he respond? Look at you? Show care? Or.. shut down, ignore you, withdraw, blow up, or misinterpret you again? If he shows no interest or care in you, in your conversation, STOP. You have your answer, and more conversation will make things worse for you both.
If you sense he’s open, then continue. “I believe a good wife partners with her husband to solve problems in a way that works for both of them. I hear you – you don’t want me to tell you how to drive or when to make decisions. You don’t want to feel threatened by me. I get that. And similarly, I don’t want to feel scared or powerless to make decisions I need to make just because we’re married. For example, when you drive fast or when you put off a decision that I think needs to be made it really stresses me out. Just like you don’t want to feel threatened by me, I don’t want to feel stressed out by you. When I tell you, I’ll drive myself, or I’ll make the decision, it’s my attempt to deal with my stress around the upsetting situation, not to control you or threaten you. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to tell you how to drive, but I don’t want to feel scared when you’re going faster than I feel safe with. I want you to care about how I feel, just like you want me to care about how you feel. I don’t know how we can have a good marriage if we both feel uncared about.” PAUSE…..let him respond or process.
Then watch to see what happens next. The fact that he told you how he felt, and he didn’t want to be threatened is a positive. But let’s see if he can also care about how you feel as you model caring for him with your new words and actions.
Sadly, many individuals do not learn healthy sharing, healthy conflict, or how to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships. Think back to your husband’s family of origin style of relationship and talking through conflict or problems. It may be that he never learned how to have a win/win conversation, where both sides felt heard and valued. It may be that his faith community valued a male voice more than a female voice and that men’s needs, feelings, or thoughts were seen as more important than a woman’s. No excuses, but it gives you a picture of where he’s come from. As you get stronger, you can invite him into new healthier ways of communicating. You will not always say things perfectly but as you are learning, you can stop, clarify, apologize, and say it differently. That makes space and invites him to also stop, reflect, clarify, and perhaps be more honest or vulnerable about what’s going on with him. No guarantees, but when you change your dance steps, he cannot dance the same crazy dance without your cooperation.
When you do this hard work for yourself, please don’t get discouraged if he does not respond positively to your changes and reciprocate. This new way of talking with him will give you more information on where he is at. On a positive note, he might show he’s relieved and interested. He shared his feelings about feeling threatened, and you responded with compassionate curiosity. Or he may shut down and continue to see you as threatening because you are not willing to be a continuous victim and stay quiet. Keep vigilant over yourself. Surround yourself with godly support. Don’t allow his continued unhealthy ways to drag you back down. For now, he may be telling you he doesn’t want to change, grow, or be curious about you or himself. That is painful for sure but please don’t let it thwart your own forward momentum. God desires your growth even if he refuses that path. Our “Walking in Core Strength” Group Coaching program is open now and has a few more spots. You may consider joining.
The apostle Paul has some important guidance for these dilemmas in Romans 12. He says, “as much as it depends on you, be at peace with people.” Paul is realistic. He knows it’s not always possible to achieve true peace with people including spouses. And he’s not suggesting peace-faking, or compliance masquerading as peace. Paul is promoting shalom, a godly peace. Nowhere is this more important than in family relationships. You can take this next right step to clarify your words and share with him what you need. However, he may not like it or respond positively. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong, it just means he is incapable or unwilling to give you the safety and security you need. When a home feels like a war zone it takes its toll on your mind, body, and spirit. You have the right to steward your safety and sanity especially if he is reckless with you. If that still causes him to feel threatened, that is because he’s focused solely on what he wants, not on what you or your marriage needs.
Friends, when you have been challenged on your stated boundaries or consequences, how have you handled yourself, when the other person didn’t like it or felt threatened?
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I do appreciate the advise given but know from experience that if your spouse is a narcissist……. More heart felt information is power for him. I feel like this needs to be considered before moving forward in how you communicate boundaries to him. Narcissists study you, listen and store up personal everything to use against you, manipulate and confuse you through many avenues, most often with gas lighting and projection. They can take something like being confronted about pornography, spin it around to being your fault and you will find yourself apologizing for their offense.
I totally agree. It is even more so with a sex addict.
I agree with you too. Leslie’s response was great, but with a narcissist there are more things to look out for. If he disregards, blameshifts, projects, manipulates, gaslights, etc the conversation you are trying to have with him, then that is your answer that he is not interested in your needs, but only getting himself off the hook at the moment. Then he will feed you crumbs if needed to keep you holding on to hope. Don’t fall for it. Take your time though, and learn about narcissism in this case. Google Shaneen Megji 10 ways to know a narcissist is repentant. This will help you to know if their possible changing is fake or real. I spent over 2 years trying to talk to my husband. I begged and pleated seeking his understanding and validation….It was exhausting! During this time I started listening to Leslie’s resources…..so helpful! I learned so much about covert narcissism from Les Carter on youtube too. My divorce was final in November just after what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. I have so much peace now, but I have funerals in my head everyday. I wish things could be different, but I took a stand for myself and our children. You cannot make a person change, but you can change yourself. Boundaries are key.
I am going through a second separation from my husband of 26 years. He has narcissist traits & has been emotionally abusive with control, manipulation, belittling, etc. I have been giving it all over to God & trusting him for discernment, guidance, & strength as for what to do. I am leaning towards walking away & saying Goodbye. Heather I would love to talk with you if you’re willing.
I think the word narcissist is being overused in our society. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual personality disorder and comes with a diagnosis. What it is not, is a wife assigning this diagnosis to her husband because she thinks he fits all the criteria (I’m not saying you’re doing this). Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, we all struggle with pride, and selfishness, and believing we know what’s right and the other person is wrong. I would caution against self diagnosis and assigning mental or personality disorders onto others. There’s more to it than what the layman knows how to understand. We must trust in the Lord for His discernment, like Leslie mentioned, “pause and stop and see how he responds”. I’m not suggesting that your husband didn’t have NPD, I’m just saying people need to stop labeling others with mental or personality disorders just because it’s the latest term being thrown around. From my experience, I thought my husband had NPD until I researched it and spoke with my therapist and psychiatrist about it. I shared with them my experiences with my husband and they were able to point out how my husband didn’t have NPD, even though I firmly believed he did. Best to leave it to the professionals to give out diagnoses.
Yes, I think this is true. I would like to be able to engage in a discussion like the one mentioned but in some relationships everything you say can and will be used against you..
My husband simply doesn’t respond to what I’m asking unless I’m demonstrating a kind of brokenness and frailty. It’s never mattered how I phrase what my needs are, he subtly and quietly disregards or says he’ll think about it or says he’s heard already but nothing ever comes of anything.
I appreciate the PAUSE that Leslie uses to protect self and know when not to go further. Even with Narcissistic-relational styles ( I would only use the label if they are diagnosed by a professional), abusers have many of the characteristics that are crushing. Knowing that you have reframed your request and it was shut down, for many victims they find some relief. You always have the choice to apply the suggestion and stop at the first PAUSE. Leaving the conversation peacefully and going about your day in some cases can give them room to reconsider and reengage. Thy often are so accustomed to the partner trying over and over that when the partner calmly stops there is room for them to experience some loss which they don’t want.
This is great advice for communicating with healthy people and it totally works. However, as Leslie and the other comments say, a manipulative person is not interested in actually working things out, instead they complain about how you say it and then cry victim.
Two things I wish I’d known to ask years ago. 1) when it comes to communication, am I usually able to get the job done with other people in my orbit , even if I’m clunky at times? 2) similarly, do I leave most of my other conversations feeling more clear headed than I started, but regularly feel more confused after talking with my mate (or feel clear for the moment but then later more confused)?
Because I didn’t know these things, I just kept believing it was my fault for how I asked (ex: not to speed), instead of seeing that the problem was that he didn’t actually care how I felt and he had no intention of ever changing how he drove or anything else.
I now know it is actually very normal and healthy to make concessions in a marriage, like driving slower, without making a big deal about it, just because your mate asked (even if they ask it in a clunky way).
Well said! While it is always important for us to grow in our communication skills and learn better, gentler ways to express ourselves, the constant claim that conflict was due to the way I expressed myself, was what kept me in confusion for so long. When that was compounded by people helpers even as I was working so hard to communicate better, I became more and more frustrated. I was able to solve conflicts with so many other people EVEN IF I didn’t communicate perfectly. I was able to listen to others EVEN IF they didn’t communicate perfectly. The only people that it didn’t work with were the emotionally unhealthy ones. That was the key to peace for me. I had done what I could (“As far as it depends on you”), but it was not possible to live at peace with them because of THEIR issues. Since I cannot change them, I have to decide how much contact I can have with them and still live in peace. Thank you Lesie and team for helping me understand that.
I gave my spouse the following boundary: if you continue to watch porn or movies with nudity, then I am leaving.
I know he continues, but my problem is that I cannot prove it. He waits until I go out somewhere, or has gotten better at hiding it.
What I feel as I read this is I would say to someone if they were driving fast: “I feel scared right now and unsafe with you driving like that. Can you please stop?” IF the person, regardless, doesn’t . I would never ride with them again. That’s for sure. If there is no compassion about my feeling safe or any regard for my feeling I certainly would NOT continue a marriage as that is not a marriage in my opinion. I am single so that’s just my perspective. I don’t want to be close or put myself around someone that doesn’t attune to my feelings, needs or have compassion for how I am experiencing the situation even if they disagree. Certainly that isn’t a threat. The threat here is the person driving in a way that makes you feel unsafe. I hope that’s helpful.
In addition: If you point out to someone that is to “love and protect” you and they continue a behavior that you have ALREADY communicated makes you feel unsafe…. then how are they functioning as a husband? I just find this question interesting as the person writing it appears to feel like she has to say something in a certain way to get her partner to change his unsafe behaviors and it seems to me like it is HIS responsibility to show up more safe or accomodate her request. I feel like if he continues the behavior while clearly knowing she is scared and feels unsafe then the conversation is OVER and he has already answered the question of if he cares. That to me just gives more information about the person being an unsafe person, that is not someone that is going to consider or care how you feel? Words in that case won’t work. Take that information and make a change with your behavior. I don’t think you even need to announce it. Remove access to your self, if a person is not able to treat your self with care, compassion or consider your need to feel safe around them. My heart goes out to you as I Feel you have already communicated enough and my opinion would be to look at the behaviors and then find a way to create a sense of safety around your own self that removes acccess to you without words.
Beth, I really like what you said that his behavior has already answered the question of if he cares. I think too, if this was a healthy relationship, there could be a conversation about wording things more nicely in a less threatening way, but in an abusive relationship, the complaint that she is threatening him is just gaslighting. He wants to flip it against her so she becomes apologetic. I used to tangle myself in knots to explain what I meant in the kindest, gentlest words, and after years realized it had always been a game for him and he always won because he could argue endlessly. Ecclesiastes 10. At the beginning their words are folly; at the end they are wicked madness—and fools multiply words.
I am married to someone who drives fast but says he’s in control of the vehicle so it’s safe. He does not pay any attention to speed limits and says he just drives safely, “going with the flow of traffic” and if he is the only one on the road that means he can go as fast as he wants. He routinely drives 15-20 over the limit. If I ask him to go closer to the speed limit, say on the highway, he will slow down to 55 or 60, claiming that he doesn’t know what the limit is – so now we are going to be late. I drive now, but I am tired of not having my concerns be important.
— I really love the “PAUSE “ tip.
. Listen to what’s Really being said… then we can better asses the situation. Sometimes our discussions have very little to do with the topic we think we are discussing ( or arguing ) about. Better to read between the lines to get the clear picture of what is really being said.
We could also be the Driver instead of the other person who is scarring us…( saves gas instead of taking 2 cars?) but that often has its own problems…hummm, I need to PAUSE and think about that….