Happy New Year Friends,
We are not just in a New Year, but a new decade. And, it’s always a perfect time for some reflection about where you’ve been and some thought about where you’re going? The psalmist reminds us to “Teach me to number my days, O Lord, so that I might present to you a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)
If you don’t like where you are, it’s time for you to make a revised map for the future. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself. How do I want to live MY life? Describe it in as much detail as you can. For example, what would be different about your health? Your relationships? Your leisure time? What would you pursue? What would you let go of? What would you focus on? What would distract you from the way you want to live your life?
Todays’ Question: My husband filed for divorce and hired a lawyer. I have been trying everything I can to save my marriage unsuccessfully – he is set on divorcing and there is nothing or no one that will stop him. My question is this. Is it okay for a Christian (myself) to hire a lawyer as well to help with an equal division of property and funds and childcare responsibilities? It seems like hiring a lawyer means “fighting.” What are your thoughts on this?
Answer: Divorce is not only a relational issue, but it is also a legal one and God has put the government and laws in place for our protection. Your husband has decided he no longer wants to be married to you. That is his decision and you’re right, you can’t stop him. However, there are legal consequences to his decision. Marital assets must be divided and children must be provided for and taken care of. The law spells out how that happens and it usually tries to be fair to both parties.
These days most states have no-fault divorce laws meaning one spouse can leave a marriage for any reason. Second, the law usually says joint marital assets are split equally after the dissolution of a marriage. Third, if both parents want custody, the courts usually award joint custody, sometimes requiring children to split their time between both households. Other times, there may be joint legal custody, but one parent has primary physical custody with the other having generous visitation rights. When there has been any history of abuse towards the children, there may be supervised visitation for the children. But most courts try to allow parents their right to parent their children, even when the marriage dissolves.
If your husband and his lawyer are proposing a settlement in line with your state legal guidelines, then there is no fight to be had. He wants out of the marriage and is willing to experience the legal, financial, and custodial consequences of his decision. However, that does not mean you do not need your own legal counsel or representation. Sadly, I have talked with women who thought things were being divided fairly but weren’t. They trusted their husband’s attorney to be fair and divide things equally. That was not the case. They didn’t realize that legal documents are hard to understand and ended up agreeing to things they had no idea they were agreeing to. It was not smart.
Therefore, at the very least, get your own attorney to review what your husband’s attorney proposes. Do not use your husband’s attorney because his attorney only has his interests in mind, not yours. When he balks, you can simply say, “I have no desire to fight with you about things, but I do want to have my lawyer check out this agreement to make sure that my interests are represented fairly here.”
Make it clear with your attorney that you do not wish to fight, but you do want things to be fair and want to make sure you have in writing the custody, visitation, child support, and asset division clearly negotiated as you are legally entitled to.
Sadly many husbands, especially if they have been the primary breadwinner resent splitting their retirement account, paying child support, or giving you half the assets from bank accounts or sale of the family home. In their minds, their money is theirs. But that’s not what the law says.
Standing up for yourself and protecting yourself legally is not fighting, it’s being wise and a good steward of your resources, responsibilities, and assets. Click To Tweet
Sometimes divorce attorneys recommend mediation as a less expensive way of working towards a more agreeable solution when there is an impasse. Don’t see that as fighting, see that as working toward a solution, even if you disagree with what that solution might look like at first. As long as you stay in CORE, are respectful, yet responsible for yourself and what you need to move forward from this broken marriage, you don’t have to worry. Even if he fights, you don’t have to fight as he does. But that doesn’t mean you should stay passive and allow him to mistreat you or rob you of all you are legally entitled to.
Also, there may be ways to compromise that work for both of you. For example, if money is more important to him, and having custody of the children is more important to you, perhaps he can get more on the money side, and you get more on the child custody side. However, you negotiate, make sure you do it with good legal help.
Romans 13 is where Paul writes about God providing people with legal protection against those who might seek to harm us. Your husband has already harmed you by leaving your marriage. You don’t have to allow him to harm you financially by staying passive during this process. Get good advice from someone who understands the law and what you are entitled to. Only then can you be wise on how to move through this unwanted phase of your life as a good steward of the assets God has given you.
Friends, when you faced divorce, did you use an attorney? Pros? Cons? Did you struggle to see it as fighting?
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Can I Trust My Own Mind?
Morning friends, Today is day two of audio taping my book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. If you think of me today (Wednesday), say a prayer for me, please. And again for Friday. But, once it’s done, it will be awesome to have this information on audiobook for people to listen to. This week’s question is…
Implementing The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: Is It Worth Church Discipline? Pt. 1
Morning friends, I want to invite you to join my 2015 Do The Word Challenge where we are going to pick one verse per month (the verse of your own choosing) and practice “Doing it” throughout the month. Details are in my New Years Newsletter but if you didn’t get a copy, you can…
One warning I would have is this: if you have had a legal separation agreement, or any agreement at all, and he says, “Don’t worry about it, the new agreement is exactly the same as the old one.”, beware, it may not be. That’s what happened to me. I believed it and was sorry. This was over 20 years ago. I recently chatted with my ex daughter-in-law and my son had done the same to her. Apparently it’s an old trick but we wives are so trusting, even after years of them being untrustworthy. They have perfected the ‘innocent look’ to the hilt.
I learned a new term. “Hopeium addiction”. When we hope for years that we can convince him to change. 🙂
Connie, I am laughing: Hopium addiction. Perfect.
Ha! And hopeium addiction feeds denial of reality. This Christmas my mother was so sad that my brother and family had come into town, stayed with her for a number of days but spent a total of 3 hours with her. She was crying and my heart was heavy for her but then I asked her “mom how is this any different than the last 20 years when they come to town?”. She then responded that she guessed it was denial on her part.
Year after year she hopes things will be different. Year after year it’s the same old story.
We really do teach people how to treat us.
My lawyer had me initial the copy and date it and have him put his markups on it for this reason.
Hopeium addiction, I’m going to use that one!
I like that hopeium addiction I adding it to my vocabulary.
This is very wise counsel. It is so important to protect the rights that the law provides. Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly, but it must be fair.
Absolutely get a lawyer! When my husband simply “didn’t want to be married” any longer, he got a lawyer and started the process. I dragged my feet as long as the state would allow (two years) and tried everything I could to make things work. In the meantime I got my own bank accounts, retained a lawyer, and took some other steps to prepare in case it really did fall apart. The reality became clear that truly some things we have no control over, and there was clearly no changing his mind. Ultimately neither of us wanted to fight, but I’m so thankful that I had the lawyer to explain things to me and to help me get as fair a deal as possible.
Another thing to be aware of in a situation that is likely to end in divorce is that he could begin to empty the bank account, so getting your own account and stashing some away for yourself is important.
I love the last part of Leslie’s intro. What would distract you from the way you want to live your life?
A couple of years ago while waiting for my husband to get out of surgery, I went down to the cafeteria where there was an internet connection and received an email from my mother berating me for not telling her early enough about it. There I was in the hospital, worried, by myself, and instead of support I was catching poop from my mother. I started to spin out. Even when it was so clearly not about my mother, she would find a way to be the victim.
I walked back upstairs to the waiting area reeling from an old and deep wound that had once again been re-opened i clicked on You Version on my device. The verse that happened to be up was one of my life verses Prov. 4:23. But instead of the usual NIV translation, Eugene Peterson’s was up. It said “ get rid of all side show distractions”. That’s exactly what her drama was. A side show distraction. A scheme of the devil to keep me from placing my focus where it needed to be. It went on to talk about looking neither to the left nor to the right. Yup, The Lord made it crystal clear that day that I had a choice in how I could handle her antics. With His enabling, I was to ‘not allow the side-show distraction’. I felt Peace, and my focus came back.
Then, because I had no internet connection, my device reverted back to the translation that was on my device.
Oops! Posted this in the wrong place. It’s a response to Leslie’s post 🙂
Thank you for the post. It was in the right place for me to find it when I needed to hear that exact advice.
Hirering an attorney is only to make sure that justice is done right. Noone should distort justice, not for you and not against you. Scripture says What ever is right and true think of all such things,
We should not distort justice.
«Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.»
Philippians 4:8 KJV
«Woe unto them that decree unrighteous decrees, and that write grievousness which they have prescribed; To turn aside the needy from judgment, and to take away the right from the poor of my people, that widows may be their prey, and that they may rob the fatherless!»
Isaiah 10:1-2 KJV
I encourage you: Go! Fight the good fight for yourself and your kids( if you have any) Let an attorney help you see to your rights. You should not let the right be distorted and taken away from you!
Good points, Maria
Gee, and then there are those who think they are above the law. They “will not stand in the court of man” and expect you to obey their decrees without legal assistance. Beware of such abuser’s as they are the truly mentally ill. Their delusional demands forbid the wounded spouse from obtaining legal counsel. For those, enslaved by purveyors of finely executed spiritual abuse, we can only pray and put in a good word at their funeral. When a disturbed spouse believes their own authority is supreme, certainly even the law can’t stop them. How then do we stop their evil?
Surreptitiously. There are some suggestions on previous blogs and in Leslie’s book about how to plan for a separation when it will be dangerous to do it openly. Rae, above, did the right thing: she got a lawyer, a separate bank account (a different bank is a good idea), and “some other things” to protect herself. You might need to make copies of birth certificates and passports, other important documents, rent a safe deposit box at your bank, make copies of keys, buy a burner phone, etc. Think of all the important things you might need, but do it quietly, so he doesn’t know.
You can’t “stop their evil,” but you can protect yourself from it.
There are some good websites online that provide assistance for thinking through the process of leaving when safety is a concern. It’s scary though.
Sara, can you name one or two, or tell us how to search?
Yes, many who abuse others hold strongly to the belief that the law does not apply to them (the abuser), but stridently hold to the expectation that everyone else IS subject to the law…….actually to the abuser’s interpretation of the law. For instance, when an angry & abusive husband declares that the wife he is divorcing has no right to ‘his’ money,
regardless of what the written law says in their province / state. (ultimately the law should prevail, but someone like this is not above trickery and bullying to get their way). But here I’d like to clarify for Moonbeam and others……such abusers are unlikely mentally ill, but are definitely selfish, self-centred, and from a mindset of “i’m entitled”. This sort of behaviour does not come from a place of mental illness, deficit or impairment. It comes directly from the heart of selfishness. I hope this helps.
Unfortunately, I have quite the experience with the evil Moonbeam describes. He is diagnosed with a mental disability AND entitled (childhood trauma). The divorce was relatively fast (4 months), but the post decree motions continue and we are on a second appeal currently. It has been over 18 months now and $60k in legal fees so far and I do not see an end in sight. I interviewed 6 different attorneys before I found one I thought understood my issues. The judge has sided with me each return to court including him not having joint legal custody and no parenting time rights. The appeal is stressing me out because he is trying to bargain and my family says to say no, my Christian counselor asks me if I expect a different result if I make a counter-offer like I did the last appeal (which was ignored), I told him no. One of my closest friends is worried if I don’t settle that he is capable of hurting me. There are more details and I could write on and on for hours. I can’t sleep or stop thinking about it. He wants to stop paying me spousal maintenance, so is offering a retirement buyout in order to drop the appeal, which would bring up every single issue he has a problem with. I go back and forth of what to do. I ask God to relieve my anxiety about it, but it persists most days. I feel the lower court judge knows the games he’s playing and my attorney certainly knows, but no one can seem to stop him. I am enticed by the buyout because I think it could make him stop even though it would not be in my best interest, but I also think he has ulterior motives if I do settle. As I see it it’s a lose lose scenario. Talk about anxiety provoking! I know his goal..to bury me financially hoping that will entice the kids to come to him for help. I read something the other day that is so true “as goes the marriage, so goes the divorce”. Why isn’t there protection from financial and emotional abuse through the courts? Shouldn’t there be some kind of oversight or procedures to protect victims from being re-victimized and punished by a retaliatory ex, especially when it’s so obvious?
JP, I wonder why the judge doesn’t throw his appeals out of court? Sometimes they do that.
May our sovereign Lord, the One who is on the throne, intervene on your behalf. Let His peace arbitrate in your heart.
I could file a motion for contempt of court, but I feel like that won’t do any good. I don’t think that’s being a good steward of what God has given me through this whole process and he would probably only be ordered to follow the decree anyway, which he thinks is a choice. I’m trying to take one day at a time. Good news though is that he was mad two days ago and took his settlement offer off the table, so now I can’t agonize over a choice that’s not there. Not how I thought my prayer would be answered, but I’ll take it! God is good!
JP, I’m not sure I understand your thinking about not filing for contempt of court? He clearly has contempt for the court’s decisions, so how does this compromise your being a good steward? Is is because of the cost of filing? I confess to being somewhat ignorant of how all this works.
Karin-so in other words “….it comes directly from the heart of the narcissist”……Oy vey
JoAnn, I guess I am just assuming that because my ex would not comply with the decree the first time what would make me think he would comply to a second round. It doesn’t matter now because he is planning on filing another motion to modify alimony and because he is doing that I can file a counter motion for compliance. This will be his third attempt to change the decree. He may succeed this time for a modification to alimony because I found new employment a month ago. Best not to have to rely on him at all, but right now I need to, due to not being in the professional workforce ever since getting married 20 years ago.
My position as a wife is the reverse here. I have been the only breadwinner throughout the marriage and my husband simply stayed at home citing that he finds it hard to find a job. I am not sure he even tried looking for jobs but I know he is keen to have his own business.
I am not comfortable splitting my assets equally with my husband as I find that he has been manipulative and emotionally and financially abusive. He takes money from our joint account each month as soon as my salary goes in and does not account for any of it. I have been responsible for all expenses for the past 20 year, including saving for my son’s future whilst my husband has taken the easy way out and stays at home, although he looks after our one son. But I still feel resentful, as I have been counseled by my pastor that my husband is abusive, an adulterer and deceitful and that he probably married me to have a comfortable living without having to work. It was quite apparent from the second year of marriage that my husband was not interested in making our union work and he blamed me for everything. I was the bad wife, the fat and unattractive one and the one who always fought back with him. I was always in the wrong.
I have a secret savings which my husband knows nothing about. This is a nest egg I kept for myself and my son, as I do not trust my husband and I have no plans to share it with him. Would this be wrong, in God’s eyes?
Give HER the reward SHE has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Prov 31 does not say give HIM the reward SHE has earned.
Also a few verses in the Bible also talk about men who are unwilling to work and they are not all that complimentary!
Sue, I’m sorry, but I have to ask: why are you still with him? If even your pastor admits that he “is abusive, an adulterer and deceitful and that he probably married me to have a comfortable living without having to work,”
then why haven’t you left? You certainly have scriptural grounds to do so, and as you are employed, it would seem that this could be managed.
I think having that “nest egg” is wise. Can you limit how much he can take from the account? Get a separate account for yourself at another bank and put more of your income into it? Be creative. The Lord will guide you how to go on.
I’m not telling you what to do; I just want you to think “outside the box.”
I’d consult a lawyer about that before you make any firm decisions on how you are handling it one way or another. Then I’d consult the Holy Spirit in order to be honest legally and morally. You may not live with your spouse anymore but you always have to live with yourself.
Sue, I agree with Leslie consult an attorney, more than one and make sure they have integrity! To give you a head start in trying to decide if it’s “wrong”you could start searching online for the differences between common law property and community property.
I don’t agree that you should seek an attorney with integrity. Hire the one who will get the job done. Many of us are dealing with unrepentant abuser who think they are above the law. You need a shrewd lawyer who will not be intimidated or manipulated by your abuser or his team. Hire the big guns who can con too. Find one who can bob and weave and play dirty just like the crazy person you are dealing. There are plenty of times in life to hire a nice person, this job requires a pit bull not a kitten.
Sue, There may be legal expectations for you to share the assets you have in the event of a divorce but I doubt if there is any moral obligations on you to split the assets with your husband. In your own words your husband is a bummer, has not worked, steals from your bank account, is not interested to work on the marriage and has been abusive and manipulative. This does not sound like a responsible Christian or husband.
A wife is not responsible to support her husband if he has shown no interest in the marriage or to provide for the family. The Bible is quite clear on this- he who does not work must not eat. I think Leslie’s advice to pray to find out if what the wife is doing is legal or moral is putting the burden unfairly on the wife. Here the wife finds that she has been deceived by her husband and is being defrauded on a constant basis and has to fight to save her own money but is now being told that her actions may not be moral.
This is the problem with Christians in that they think emotionally and twist scriptures because they have an overly sensitive spirit. Evil will triumph if she gives her hard earned assets to the husband who has no care or concern for the wife. I agree Leslie has done a good job counseling abused women on her blog but I disagree with her on this one.
Thanks for your feedback. When I was writing my book, “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” I came across this dilemma from the other perspective. A male was hurt his wife was filing for a divorce he didn’t want. He had more money than she did and was putting it “away” from her, believing his wife wasn’t entitled to his money because she refused to work, was lazy around the house, etc etc, etc,and she was the one who wanted a divorce. Yet he was telling me he was a Christian and wanted to obey God. Yes it’s easy to justify Sue keeping her money hers. I totally understand what you are saying to Sue. Yet Sue always has to live with Sue, not her spouse and I want her to think for herself what is “right” and “wrong”. You can’t tell her, I can’t tell her. The Bible can tell her, and it doesn’t spell out specifically what she should other than don’t enable him to continue to harm her or don’t continue to enable his irresponsibility. She’s working on those steps. But financially it gets sticky because there are laws in place to protect spouses, even bad spouses. If a husband was doing this to his wife (and in his mind was justified) I think we’d all challenge him with his thinking about that. Therefore, I think it’s wise to at least ask Sue to think about this, pray about this, and then make the decision she can honorably live with – no guilt trips, just trying to help her think think through the bigger picture longer term from various angles.
I would think that whether the abusive spouse is the husband or the wife, the rules applied should be the same. If the wife is lazy and refuses to work to support a struggling family, steals from the husband’s bank account and has relationships outside the marriage, the husband is justified if he does not want to share the assets. The law may look at sharing of assets differently but civil laws are different from God’s laws. For example, in civil law either a husband or wife may divorce his/her spouse if he or she has behaved in a way that the other could not tolerate it. But the Bible does not allow divorce for just any type of conduct. If the husband refuses to work is that a ground for divorce in the Bible? Or if spouses have drifted apart and are no longer communicating? But these are acceptable grounds for divorce in civil law.
I would like to think that God is understanding of each unique situation and sees the heart and motives. If a cheating manipulative spouse who had ill intentions all along, perhaps even before marriage, enters the marriage knowing that he can leave it richer and better off than he would have been if he had not married, I personally feel this would be a grave miscarriage of justice to the wife. Imagine a wife struggling to keep the family on its feet and the husband who had never loved the wife coolly walks out of the marriage with half of what she has. The Bible does not say anything about this but God is just and fair and righteous and His laws are way higher than man made laws. I simply cannot imagine God telling the poor wife to give her money away.
This is something that happened In my church. A husband, became very angry when his wife refused to hand over her inheritance of three hundred thousand dollars which she received when her mother died. He said that a wife needed to submit to the husband. He hauled her up to the church leadership thinking that they would discipline her but voila, the leaders said that her inheritance was hers and he cannot demand for it. Not sure of the biblical grounds but I am assuming very few churches would support the wife’s position.
The problem I see with this is that often the wife is labeled lazy by the husband because only money talks with him. If she works her butt off doing things at home that saves money, it is not acknowledged. And if he won’t give her what she needs to run the household and she takes out of the bank account, she is blamed for ‘stealing’, though he might be using money for his toys without discussing it with her.
I’m happy the church didn’t support his demands!
This situation revealed an abusive husband. Did the church confront him on that? Did they intervene any further?
The Bible says that “ the two become one”…. in a healthy marriage this includes money. If it were a healthy (Biblical) marriage, the inheritance would have become theirs to make decisions on together. The fact that she decided to hold on to it, exposed his abuse of power. Thankfully the church did not side with him and affirmed her need to have security.
This is definitely a wisdom issue and I see both sides as having validity.As followers of Jesus and his kingdom we live in a counterculture from the worlds values.I agree that Sue should consult an attorney as she needs legal counsel.I don’t completely agree that the situation is the same with the wife being the “ lazy” one.To me,a man refusing to support his family is rebellion and disobedience against Gods creation ordinance,unless there is a valid medical reason for his inability to work.Yes,as women we also provide and support our families,however I don’t think it’s exactly the same.My husband tried some “ creative accounting “ by hiding money while we were together.God, in his goodness and fairness prompted me to reorganize an out of control home office,and I discovered the irregularities.This was before I ever thought about separating but I am so grateful
I listened to the Holy Spirit as He was getting my marital financial affairs in order before I was ready to face the reality of my situation.My mantra through the separation has been” I want to be fair,and I want to be treated fairly”.There is a place for “ fighting “ for fairness and there is a place for taking the high road and letting some things go.Its not always easy to discern when to do each but as we listen to all the wise helpers God provides along the way we begin to sense when we are being led to do each( pursue or let go).This is where “ the peace that passes all understanding” becomes a sweet reality.When we behave honorably it is its own reward.Any and all injustices will one day be made right when we open our eyes and see the beautiful face of our Savior.Evil will be no more and will not have the last word.Thank you,Leslie and so many of you here for being my companions during the last few years.I have leaned on you and learned so much.The journey continues!
Why is putting money away to save for a rainy day a bad idea if your abusive husband will spend it recklessly if he knows it exists? I imagine it cant stay hidden if you proceed to divorce . It is interesting to see the conflicting advice. Often women here are told to save money secretly so if they need to leave they are able to. So is this some kind of limit on how much is too much to save? Enough to buy a car? Enough to pay for 6 months rent? Enough to take time off work to recover emotionally from a seperation? Enough to send your kid to college? Etc etc
That is a very interesting question Annie. I wish someone will reply to this so that the issue raised by Sue will have a conclusion. How much really is too much? Is God ok if the wife keeps aside the bare minimum savings to leave an abusive home and to hire a lawyer but not if she saves to buy a car or a roof over the head? Being able to hire a attorney alone is not sufficient there are other practical concerns which require finances. Many wives who have been homemakers will find it very difficult to get a job for lack of education opportunities, work experience, job skills, confidence and age bias. Its sad how we box up God in our human thinking.
If the abused wife for example is thinking of divorce in the near future and has access to some money, it would be wise if she she can open a savings account in a trusted family member’s name and squirrel away small amounts of money each time into this account. This account will be hard to trace as it is in a third party’s name. Ideally this will be workable with working wives. If the wife is not working and depends solely on the husband, it may be a lot harder and take a long time to save money.
Doubt if this is being dishonest as the law can be very unreasonable and is not always fair to the women. You just have to go to Court and realize how many wives are deprived of proper maintenance. If the husband is reckless with spending, is abusive and has come into the marriage to have a good time without taking on the antecedent responsibilities, it is my view that it will not be wrong to stash money secretly for the wife’s and children’s future. How can it be wrong for a wife to save and hide her own money? Otherwise what will happen is that the husband will continue to use up the money and the wife will be left with nothing.
The Bible in Proverbs 8:5 tells the simple to learn to be shrewd and to the foolish to gain understanding. God will make a way and open up ideas for the abused women (or men) to escape the clutches of evil people.
This discussion reminds of the popular trend of blaming the victim rather than confronting the abuser. Please, these victims can squirrel away all the money they need or want. What is the bounty on an abuse woman these days? Priceless.
Sure hide money with other people. Great idea. Let’s talk about how many abusers provide compensation for their foolishness and domestic crimes, not many right? Someone has to be the sane person in the relationship and think as a responsible adult. Protecting your money from a fool is the first step to living in reality, rather than hiding out in world of fantasy and denial. You, go girl, be smart!
I think we have been cowed by the narcissists in our lives far too much. I have often heard the, “Well you do that, too!” and backed down feeling so guilty. Now I realize that there is a world of difference between doing something to mistreat, disrespect, and abuse someone, or doing a similar thing to protect yourself and your children from abuse. Hiding Jews from Nazi soldiers was quite different from hiding them in camps in order to gas them. Both were sneaky and dishonest, right? Wise as serpents and harmless as doves comes to mind. Think Rahab. What is in your heart?
I think we forget that Narcissists are narcissistic 100% of the time. If they are remotely cooperative or kind in any way, it is an act. All behaviors that we associate with a loving relationship are contrived with narcissists. Their personality disorder prohibits any form of empathy. They are con artists and who objectify, exploit and manipulate their victims. It I is not that they are loving 50% of the time and are abusive 50% of the time. They are abusive 100% of the time, they just fool you into thinking that any other percentage of behavior is real, which it is not.
Nothing in your relationship is real with a Narcissist, never was, never will be. What you imagine as a relationship is a fantasy. Don’t accept any of the accusations a narcissist hurls at you. Their words and actions are contrived to manipulate you. The only way out of a Narcissistic relationship is zero contact. Then again, say if you like the drama, the grandiose gestures, moody swings and disrespect. Many women are attracted to abusers and pick them over and over. Do you want to be one of those women?
Does this mean a narcissist husband has no good qualities at all and that every good or positive action is premeditated and fake? It makes sense though and explains their behavior but would it apply to every narcissist? Sometimes I can sense that my husband is scheming to get me as far away from my family as possible and get money out of me for his various business proposals but there are also times when he seems genuinely concerned about my health and well being. So sad.
I am so grateful for this blog and all the readers who uphold each other here.
Yes, anonymous. Do some research and learn about the disorder. Some people has narcissistic tendencies, that is different than being diagnosed with the disorder. My abuser has narcissistic personality disorder with both masochist and sadistic tendencies. Narcissism can be genetic and environmental. It can be identified on an MRI of the brain as well. Based on what you write, I would suggest you dive into researching Narcissism. Dr. Sam Vakin has some chilling you tube videos you could watch as he reveals the thoughts and actions of Narcissists. Yes, Anonymous, there is no cure and yes, their actions are premeditated.
Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of the book, “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited”
Trust your gut, Anonymous, yes he is plotting to take your money and anything else he thinks he entitled to have control over. The kind moments you think you see are used to manipulate you into remaining his “narcissistic supply.” He cooperates when he gets what he wants from you. You are an object, designed to serve him, nothing else.