I’m having sinful fantasies when lovmaking with my husband. How do I stop?
Hello friends,
I want to let you know of a free seminar I’m doing in the Allentown, PA area at Calvary Temple church on Saturday morning, October 16th. Doors open at 8am and I will be speaking from 9-12 (with breaks) on the very important topic The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!
Best of all, it is FREE! That’s right. Seminars of this kind usually cost to attend, but you can come totally free of charge and bring as many friends as you want. The sessions will be for not only those experiencing destructive relationships but the people who help them. Pastors, counselors, lay leaders, church leaders are all welcome to attend. This event is being sponsored by Truth for Women in the Lehigh Valley which is opening a women’s resource center. They will be taking an offering and all proceeds will go to funding this important ministry. For more information you can go to
http://www.truthforwomencenter.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=vmKRy%2bBl2Os%3d&tabid=632&mid=1875
To register, their phone number is 610-866-5715.
Please spread the word. We’d love to see the church completely full.
Today’s Question: I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I are active in our church. We were married at a very young age and have a strong walk with the Lord. Every single day I’m aware of my sinfulness. I’ve been working up the nerve for several years to ask you this question.
My husband is very loving. I suspect that the problem is on my end. When we come together sexually, I can only “climax” if I am thinking dirty thoughts. You can imagine that after fifteen years of confessing this, my repentance feels like a joke. I really want to change. I say “dirty” because the thoughts revolve around sinful things. I have no clue if other women struggle with this, there is so much shame wrapped up in it, I would not be able to ever say anything to another person about it face to face.
I suspect my problem is due to years of masturbation in my teen years which was always accompanied by these type of thoughts. Since I’ve been married masturbation is not an issue, my husband and I have a healthy sex life, it is just this pilgrim’s progress type of load that I carry on my back filled with eighty pounds of shame. One of the reasons that I want to change is because I do not feel like I am present during lovemaking, I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking. Can you help?
Answer: We often read and hear a lot about men’s problems with lustful and impure thoughts but women struggle with them too, we just don’t talk about it as much. Readers, let’s be honest here and help this sister realize she is not alone in her shame of sinful sexual fantasies.
That said, let’s also remember that we have an enemy (Satan) that seeks to destroy every part of our lives, including one of the most precious gifts God has given us, our sexuality.
I’m going to give you something to try in order to break this pattern. It will not be easy and it will call for some hard work on your part but I believe that if you are faithful in practicing your part, God can heal your sexual responses.
First, I want you to understand that our most important sexual organ is not between our legs but between our ears. Your thought life has sexually stimulated you to a powerful orgasm for years through your sinful fantasies. Our brain is hardwired to develop habits and now your habituated sexual thoughts are the quickest, easiest way to achieve orgasm. It’s like a super highway. It takes no effort to get to the desired goal.
In addition to that, when we are sexually stimulated to orgasm, our brain releases a powerful chemical called dopamine, which feels really good. Dopamine activates our pleasure centers and creates a reward circuit in the brain. We like it and we crave more. One author says, “You can think of dopamine as the “I’ve got to have it” neurochemical, whatever “it” is. It’s the “craving” signal.”
Trying to reach orgasm without engaging in those sinful fantasies right now is like trying to plow a new road through a forest of trees. It’s tough. It’s much easier and faster to go on the super highway already available.
Another chemical that is released during lovemaking is called oxytocin. It is dubbed the “bonding” chemical because it helps us fall in love with our newborns and helps keep us “in love” with our spouse. It has more to do with the pleasure of cuddling and connection than the powerful pleasure surge of orgasm. You stated that one of the reasons that you want to deal with this problem is because you do not feel like you are present during lovemaking. You said, “I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking.”
That is where you are going to make a change. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to be focused on lovemaking – stirring up those oxytocin chemicals, cuddling, affectionate, loving your husband during lovemaking. Your goal is NOT orgasm, in fact you’re going to have to work hard to not go down the super highway of your sexual fantasies that ensure an orgasm even though everything in your body will crave it and scream “I’ve got to have it NOW”. The truth is, you won’t die if you don’t have an orgasm for a while and it will be a good time for you to focus on what lovemaking feels like being totally present, even if you don’t reach orgasm.
As you lay down your desire for orgasm, and ask God to give you a greater ability to be present in your lovemaking with your husband, I believe that God will begin to heal the mowed down paths in your brain that have been habituated to sinful fantasies and give you new paths to experience great pleasure, including orgasm, with your husband in mutual lovemaking.
I applaud you for risking asking such a private and personal question. I wish we could be more authentic with one another in the body of Christ. Perhaps we’d all feel closer and more connected if we stopped pretending we’re more together than we really are. Let us all know how your healing journey is going. I suspect more readers than you will be trying these things.
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Thank you for your frank response on this issue that has been such a stumbling block and the source of much pain in my own marriage. Due to both my own sin and the sin of my husband our sex life has become practically non-exsistent. After twenty-four years of marriage I just thought we would continue to live without "it". But you have given practical advice which I can apply to my situation and have given me hope that we could still have a satisfing sex life.
Dear Un-named Sister,
My heart is pounding and my palms are sweating just from thinking about leaving a comment. I can't imagine what you went through working up the courage to be so vulnerable! I applaud you too; for your honesty and your desire to change. You're not alone in your struggle. I have a feeling that many of us are just living a variation of the same theme. I know I was; might still be if my husband and I were together, but we're not. My fantasies came from movie scenes and novels. Sometimes I would read these types of books inorder (I rationalized) to psyche myself up for sex when my husband came to bed. The trouble was, the guy I was making love to in my fantasies didn't resemble my husband at all. Worse yet, I was living in the illusion that "as long as I climaxed, our sex life was good. And a good sex life equaled a good marriage and proved that I was a good wife, satisfying the needs of my husband." Not so. The reality of our marriage was that it was unhealthy. I see that now. There are times, still, when I am tempted to live in a fantasy world of relational and sexual thrills – and I've slipped a few times. I'm learning though, that the HARD work of surrendering my thoughts and desires to God and letting him fill the holes in my heart is WAY more life-giving.God bless and give you inner strength in your journey to healing and life.
I think this is a far more common problem than most people, especially women, are willing to talk about or get help for.
For me, my husband exposed to me to pornography when we were dating and although repulsed by it, I was willing to part take in it to please him. Unfortunately, those images became my sexual fantasies and were the only way of climaxing.
Now having left an abusive marriage and hoping to one day find a loving Christian man, I worry about being able to let go of those sinful thoughts that could interfere with a loving relationship.
This post was very helpful.
Ah .sido bueno ver tu testimonio
Ya q yo estoy pasando casi por mismo
Y me siento.muy mal por esto q me pasa
Me gusta ver películas de sexo me excita me llevan al orgasmo
Y luego cuando estoy intimidando con mi esposo solo disfruto de la intimidad con el
Con mis pensamientos en los videos de sexo que ví
Realmente se q necesito ayuda para liberarme de esto q me pasa
Creo q la raíz de esto está en que debo liberarme del abuso de mi niñez desde los 6o 7 años de edad q me empezaron a estimular sexualmente
Y así pase por varias personas q.ne abusaban cuando podían !
Deseo con mi alma y mi corazón ser libre de esto
Pido a Dios mi Padre celestial me ponga una persona para poder contarle y me ayude a ser libre de esto q me pasa!
Thank you ladies for risking and being honest about this struggle! I have not personally struggled with this but have talked with many women who have and it breaks my heart with how bound they feel; you are not alone. You are courageous in sharing and seeking help. Being honest and vulnerable we as sisters in Christ can help each other break free from the guilt and shame that Satan would love for us to remain stuck in. God can transform your sexual experiences from dirty into beautiful as he desires them to be. Praying for steadfastness as you "plow a new road."
Blessings.
I realize that this post is quite old and may not be responded to at this point, but I have had the same problem as the wife with the original question. I was encouraged by your response in the way that she should deal with sinful fantasies to ancheive orgasm in marriage because I chose to set orgasm aside for the sake of honoring the Lord and simply engaging and loving my husband about a year ago. However, this has not led to the freedom of experiencing climax with him in our lovemaking. I am willing to not experience this again for the sake of obedience to Christ, but my husband has expressed his desire for me to engage wholeheartedly in sex ie wanting to orgasm with him. I wonder if I struggle with trusting the Lord, and opening that door again, I fear that I will go back to, my sinful patterns, and I do not want to do that. Do you have any advice on how to move forward in carving a new path in that forest of the mind so that I can engage freely and purely in lovemaking now?
Boy does this hit me right where I am! I feel as if satan wins either way! I am spiritually,mentally and physically struggling heavily in this whole question right now. I spent 18 years NOT thinking dirty thoughts and have over the last year been allowing us to have fantasies and even enjoy one drink a week or so just to relax and really just enjoy sex together. We have a very sexually dark past and sometimes I feel as if as long as we keep it at home and only fantasize… then we are fine.. we sure enjoy each other then without contention but now… I confuse my husband and i get myself in feeling condemnation! That is not of the Lord either! Ugh!
You are not alone. I have the same issue. I am ashamed to say that I continually question my husbands thought life, maybe because my rationale was if I struggle with lustful thoughts during our times together, how much more (as a man) must he be sinning in this way! I get very jealous when he looks at women and accuse of him of lusting. I am very suspicious of him which has become very destructive. I know I'm being a hypocrite, unforgiving and unloving. I know I need help. I was looking for practical ways to turn away from thinking lustful thoughts and I have been somewhat successful by intentionally fantasizing about JUST my husband. But now I will try the advice given and give up my want/DEMAND for an orgasm and just focus on the love and affection. But what if my husband insists on making me reach an orgasm? I cannot tell him why.
I thought I was pretty much alone in this struggle, and appreciate your courage to ask this question. I was raised in a home where pornography was acceptable, and as a child I found it, and of course, was lured by it's illicit trap. There are still images and wording in my mind from beginning around 35 years ago that I struggle with during lovemaking. These images were reinforced when as a young teenager I learned about masturbation, and was compulsively drawn to pornography. I've often felt that healthy sexuality as it was supposed to be given by God was stolen from me. But I know that God is a restorer of those things that were lost. I appreciate the advice in this blog and the other comments, and will implement it. I know that through Jesus I/we can have the victory, and that my husband and I CAN enjoy the beautiful sex life that God created for us… in Jesus' Name. Thanks again for sharing! 🙂
I am so thankful for this post. I have thought for years that I was alone, dirty, broken and after years of repenting and falling right back into the sin, I am convinced God is done with me.
I was sexually abused by both my dad and brother growing up. My brother would want me to masterbate to get ready for him. Although he never actually had sex with me, he tried and there was a lot of touching oral sex, etc.
I began to be with other guys as I got I to my teens. I would have fantasies of sex a certain way. I was shown porn a couple of times, and even though I was embarassed, I thought about those scenes a lot.
I was saved 20 years ago. I love my husband very much. We don’t have an active sex life, and I struggle still with masterbating when feeling get too overwhelming. He is a good man, just tired and a little bit of health issues.
I have fantasized during sex for so long, I don’t know how to stop. I can’t ever have an orgasim without certain pictures running through my head. It’s never another guy with me. It’s other people, like in a porn situation. Or like stories In my head.
I feel like I repent, and a couple months later I’m right back at it again. I hate myself for this. I want the bondage to break. I have begged God to wash me clean. Even though these things were pushed on me as a child, I take full responsibility. It kills me to think how much this would hurt my husband if he knew.
I have never confessed this to anyone but God. I can only be blunt now because no one will ever know who I am on here.
I need freedom. I need to know I can still be forgiven. I love Jesusfor all he has ever done for me. I know this is a slap in his face. So why can’t I stop?
Thank you for your honesty. You may want to read the book, NO Stones by Marnie C Ferree who also struggled with a sexual addiction. However it is evidenced, sex begins in the brain and because of your early experiences, your brain was assaulted with images you were too young to process properly. Even when we’re older, these images can become seared in our brain and difficult to remove. You are not alone. Tons of women struggle with this and I applaud your bravery in speaking up and sharing your story. God knows what you’ve been through. He doesn’t throw stones at you. He will help you, but sometimes the consequences and scars of someone’s sin against us last a lifetime. But that doesn’t mean God can’t use it for our good and his glory.
What if abuse has just really messed all the sexual stuff up? What if the painful stuff, shameful stuff, seems right instead of wrong, good instead of bad? Do you believe God will forgive us even for abusing our bodies in this manner? Do you really believe He offers healing in this area? A sexual healing? I realize I didn’t cause the abuse even though I was an adult not a child, but I did carry it on. I hurt me like he did. I know it doesn’t justify, but it seemed to be the only way to deal with the pain I was in. I’m ashamed. If God knows everything than He must know what those years included and how I have done my best to deal with those things. I hope He can forgive me. I am facing the beginning of a new relationship and afraid of going into it with all this baggage. Can one heal while not in a sexual relationship? If there is a chance at a sexual healing then I will pay whatever the cost!!!
SJ I believe healing is possible and I’d encourage you to visit Shannon Ethridge’s site at shannonethridge.com. She offers material, coaching and a retreat for women to heal in this area. God can and does forgive. He knows what you’ve been through. But he also wants to heal you and help you not repeat damaging destructive behaviors.
Thank you
RE: I wish we could be more authentic with one another in the body of Christ. Perhaps we’d all feel closer and more connected if we stopped pretending we’re more together than we really are.
. . . That is such an awesome, refreshing comment (if we stopped pretending, we’d all feel closer) —-sure we’d closer. Everybody would be totally broken, undone and uncertain before God. But all the power bases would shift because not pretending dismantles everything.
. . . If we went around in the church being honest: 100% of men have\are using porn; women are masturbating to fantasies, reading porn versus looking at it, committing emotional adultery (men too); the accountability groups turn people into experts at hiding –the recidivism must be HUGE (Maybe close to 100%). If we were honest about the stacks of peer reviewed studies showing promiscuous sex is actually more natural for humans than monogamy (I have lots of friends who are medical researchers, I have seen the shocking explanatory, –backed by solid facts/arguments, serious longevity data research that that is the case). Researchers already know women are as promiscuous as men, IF free of all the social and institutional conditioning (e.g., religions, etc.) –And promiscuous is not in this context carrying any pejorative connotation, simply referring to a willingness/desire to have sexual relations with many different partners, and having sex frequently. . . . .That’s a train wreck. That’s just too honest. . .
–Look at hell, it’s not even culturally available in churches anymore. In people’s minds God just forgives everybody for everything. . .Yeah, I had a little talk with Jesus and he told me I was all good (Yeah, obviously, you have not read the manuscripts honestly).
. . . . Women are awake to the fact that they should NOT stay in bad marriages and what is bad will become increasingly wide (As it should have always been!) —Just like slaves should never have obeyed their harsh masters. It doesn’t matter what the Bible says if culture moves on. It becomes culturally unavailable –just like hell is now.
. . . I was having my personal devotions in the book of Jude today (Jude 1:9) Michael, the archangel and Satan are disputing over body of Moses (I have a Ph.D. in New Testament, I know what it is clearly saying). —Just let that sink in a second because that is JUST crazy talk. That is a common pagan myth I see in the Dead Sea Scrolls (For example: Testament of Amram (4Q543, 545-548)) They just use different names. —A postmortem dispute in which Satan demands Moses’s corpse, protesting that Moses mortgaged it to him. . . Now, just how crazy does scripture have to be before we say enough! (–Before we stand up, put our hand out like a policeman and scream STOP God). Is God’s test how effectively we can shut down our rational reasoning abilities? . . . . –No, God will be waiting with open arms for those who DID NOT blindly believe. Just like Islam has sent people off to institutions for being gay, being a female with sexual desires, learning how the solar system truly operates.
. . . Right now I’m reading “On the Historicity of Jesus” 2014 by Dr. Richard Carrier. That book is UNANSWERABLE and I have a Ph.D. in New Testament. This is the best book I’ve ever read on the historicity of Jesus. It is brilliantly presented and backed up with solid, unassailable logical arguments and scholarly evidence. . . .But I simply can’t deal with Jesus in the No-Spin Zone. I want my story-book Jesus!!! I can’t accept the fact that the Christ-of-faith IS NOT the Jesus-of-history. Many pastors have told me during my life that most of the things we know about Christianity’s origins are better left unsaid. . . .But Dr. Carrier says them all! The truth WILL set you free BUT first it will BREAK your heart.
I know my church’s beliefs have NOT made contact with the last 275 years of Biblical Research and Archeology and that is where my pastor’s outrageous certainty comes from. I talk to lots of people and I can tell by their comments that they don’t care if it’s true, they like Christianity because of the way it makes me feel. It gives them certainty –false certainty. The whole deal is reduced to just probability statements. Here is a properly documented statement of what we KNOW: If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in thy heart that God hath probably raised him from the dead, thou shalt most likely be saved. Our facts reduce it to what NO ONE wants: probability statements. When you tell people the real story no one is just going to run down and isle and say they know.
Here is what honesty sounds like: Christianity is about certainty. Anyone who begins by loving Christianity more than the TRUTH, will proceed by loving their own denomination or church better than Christianity, and end in loving themselves better than all. At the end of the Four Spiritual Laws booklet, there is a diagram showing a toy locomotive engine labeled “fact,” pulling a freight car labeled “faith,” followed in turn by a superfluous caboose tagged “feeling.” I suspect what everybody already knows, that it is the caboose that is pulling the train, and pulling it backwards. Faith is based “firmly” upon feeling, and certain notions are postulated as “fact” because of the security they afford to the sick soul who seeks a port in the existential storm.
If we are really, really truthful we ARE going to have tons of intimacy (no doubt about) and that sounds so, so cool. —But that would require everyone to be authentic/ honest at the same time because those NOT honest would lie and crucify those who were honest.
Its AMAZING just how much people get flaked out on religion !! Sex between a man and his wife is what God wants and it is never a dirty subject !!! I have seen instances of religion(cults) ordering husbands that they can never have sex with their wife and the church will have certain male members to give the wives sex while the husband hold their hand and watches !!! That church?? The FLDS in southern Utah. They are SICK!!!!!!! Church is great as long as it does not drive people crazy with far out beliefs. Warren Jeffs and his church FLDS in ONLY one example of controlling members to do ANYTHING they say. ANYTHING done within marriage and agreeable to both a husband and his wife is only a normal part of marriage. Another example of religion corrupting peoples morals is the Reverend Jim Jones, who moved his church to Guyana and MURDERED 1000 men, women and children !! He also believed that he was God and regularly had sex with all the women in that church !! He taught them that they always let him(God) have anything he said. SICKO’S Ladies, a marriage has to have a good sex aspect to it to be successful. Quit beating yourself up !!!!!
I believe this is truly an answer from god for me. Thank you so much for the boldness in both sharing the struggle as well as in the answer. ♥
YOu are so welcome. It’s not something we often talk about in Christian circles, but I’m glad you found some encouragement.
My problem is that I fantasize about a character I made up. He doesn’t exist so there’s no chance I’ll cheat and don’t want to. Is it sin to think of him while making love?
This is just what I needed to read.
One obstacle for me is my husband wants me to climax and if I don’t he feels like I didn’t enjoy our love making. So I feel added pressure.
I’ve tried to explain that a women’s response can vary on a number of factors.
I’ve brought a cream that is meant to make me more sensitive. I’m tired of feeling guilt and shame.
Is it wrong to make him think I climax while I work on paving a new road?
Your response would be so appropriated
I actually have this exact same problem. You are not alone and I’ am so RELIEVED that I’m not the only one who struggles. I’ve been married for 15 years to my husband. And I’ve lied to him for 15 years when we’ve been together. When I first started having sex at 16, I felt nothing physically. The only reason I started was because my BF at the time said he “loved me” and “if I didn’t do it (have sex with him) he would find someone who should.” I felt like I had to. I was so desperate to feel loved. This pattern repeated until I met someone who took the time to “show” me that sex could feel great. I fantasized about him for years even in different relationships. Then came movies, shows and books which added substance to my fantasies. I couldn’t climax without them. I confessed this to my husband. He was really mad but said he understood and forgave me. He said his mind wonders to but unlike me, it doesn’t stay for an extended visit. I didn’t know this was a sin until I researched it. When I found out that’s when I confessed. I have since stopped reading those kinds of books, watching those kind of shows, stopped masturbating and have not had sex with my husband. Truthfully, I’m scared too. I’m scared that I’ll sin again and my face shows all my tells. He’ll know that “he knows.” I really do try to focus on his needs, but he says getting me off gets him off and I don’t know what to do. I want sex; I want to want to love and be with my husband only and I’m struggling. I feel less than in so many ways. I feel like because my fantasies were of the “extended variety” I have no right to call him out on his. He has no tells. How do I know he’s not thinking of someone else? We have two daughters together. I want to raise them better than I was. To know their worth and not have to seek it from others. I just feel so ill equipped and dirty.
Just wanna jump on here to confess! I struggle and give in to the struggle to fantasize situations during lovemaking of me and my husband that help me to climax. I want to stop relying on that crutch and it is at the same time so difficult. Giving up the climax to honor Jesus with my thoughts is so incredibly worth it. I want to be accountable on this post and check in every month to admit my progress. Thank you for letting me share.
Wow, when i looked this up out of desperation, and shame because i did it again==i thought i was like the only one. My situation is that when i get like right on the edge of orgasm while having sex with my husband i begin to have porn type of varous degrees;of thoughts up until climax, that i am battling in my head, sometimes even blasphemic words in my head that i am trying to shut out while maintaining level of excitement. The battle makes me start to have a headache it is so frustrating. Then last night i was lazy about it and when i got close i just basically surrnedered to the pleasure of the moment instead. What makes this really challengjng is that my husband has a medical condition and so we use toys to help out, prob would not be an issue if not for my pre-christian porn, and then masterbation stronghold for years. I like the comments. They are very helpful. My eyes opened to something–I did not realize i was not in the moment with my husband during these moments, but i am not. I am going to change my forcus to everything i can do to make love to my husband and enjoy him, instead of me orgasm, for a while and pray for God’s help ofcourse.
Before I was married I started watching lesbian porn and masturbated. It was such an escapism thing after a traumatic upbringing. I got drunk for the first time when i was 9 and had porn put on – not sure what type as I cant remember but my sober cousin has told me as an adult she clearly remembers my older brother putting porn on.
I never repented/realised I needed to repent of this and when I got married i could only orgasm during oral sex with my husband while having fantasies about women. Sometimes from porn, sometimes just other straight who I made up narratives/fantasies about in my head doing lesbian sexual acts with which would get me to the point of climax then I could stop that and enjoy the moment in reality.
I dont ever desire to be with a woman normally, am
Not lesbian and I am not attracted to women.
My husband also frequently watched porn in our marriage and masturbated on his own and did since he was 16.
We both loved the Lord when we got married but he walked away and I started to question my faith eventualy too. He was unfaithful to me after we had our surprise number 3 and 4 ( twins). Our marriage never recovered.
I havent watched porn since and have repented but its just so sad how these things can keep you so bound and destroy your marriage even though we seemingly had a great marriage and never argued!