I want to let you know of a free seminar I’m doing in the Allentown, PA area at Calvary Temple church on Saturday morning, October 16th. Doors open at 8am and I will be speaking from 9-12 (with breaks) on the very important topic The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!
Best of all, it is FREE! That’s right. Seminars of this kind usually cost to attend, but you can come totally free of charge and bring as many friends as you want. The sessions will be for not only those experiencing destructive relationships but the people who help them. Pastors, counselors, lay leaders, church leaders are all welcome to attend. This event is being sponsored by Truth for Women in the Lehigh Valley which is opening a women’s resource center. They will be taking an offering and all proceeds will go to funding this important ministry. For more information you can go to
To register, their phone number is 610-866-5715.
Please spread the word. We’d love to see the church completely full.
Today’s Question: I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I are active in our church. We were married at a very young age and have a strong walk with the Lord. Every single day I’m aware of my sinfulness. I’ve been working up the nerve for several years to ask you this question.
My husband is very loving. I suspect that the problem is on my end. When we come together sexually, I can only “climax” if I am thinking dirty thoughts. You can imagine that after fifteen years of confessing this, my repentance feels like a joke. I really want to change. I say “dirty” because the thoughts revolve around sinful things. I have no clue if other women struggle with this, there is so much shame wrapped up in it, I would not be able to ever say anything to another person about it face to face.
I suspect my problem is due to years of masturbation in my teen years which was always accompanied by these type of thoughts. Since I’ve been married masturbation is not an issue, my husband and I have a healthy sex life, it is just this pilgrim’s progress type of load that I carry on my back filled with eighty pounds of shame. One of the reasons that I want to change is because I do not feel like I am present during lovemaking, I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking. Can you help?
Answer: We often read and hear a lot about men’s problems with lustful and impure thoughts but women struggle with them too, we just don’t talk about it as much. Readers, let’s be honest here and help this sister realize she is not alone in her shame of sinful sexual fantasies.
That said, let’s also remember that we have an enemy (Satan) that seeks to destroy every part of our lives, including one of the most precious gifts God has given us, our sexuality.
I’m going to give you something to try in order to break this pattern. It will not be easy and it will call for some hard work on your part but I believe that if you are faithful in practicing your part, God can heal your sexual responses.
First, I want you to understand that our most important sexual organ is not between our legs but between our ears. Your thought life has sexually stimulated you to a powerful orgasm for years through your sinful fantasies. Our brain is hardwired to develop habits and now your habituated sexual thoughts are the quickest, easiest way to achieve orgasm. It’s like a super highway. It takes no effort to get to the desired goal.
In addition to that, when we are sexually stimulated to orgasm, our brain releases a powerful chemical called dopamine, which feels really good. Dopamine activates our pleasure centers and creates a reward circuit in the brain. We like it and we crave more. One author says, “You can think of dopamine as the “I’ve got to have it” neurochemical, whatever “it” is. It’s the “craving” signal.”
Trying to reach orgasm without engaging in those sinful fantasies right now is like trying to plow a new road through a forest of trees. It’s tough. It’s much easier and faster to go on the super highway already available.
Another chemical that is released during lovemaking is called oxytocin. It is dubbed the “bonding” chemical because it helps us fall in love with our newborns and helps keep us “in love” with our spouse. It has more to do with the pleasure of cuddling and connection than the powerful pleasure surge of orgasm. You stated that one of the reasons that you want to deal with this problem is because you do not feel like you are present during lovemaking. You said, “I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking.”
That is where you are going to make a change. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to be focused on lovemaking – stirring up those oxytocin chemicals, cuddling, affectionate, loving your husband during lovemaking. Your goal is NOT orgasm, in fact you’re going to have to work hard to not go down the super highway of your sexual fantasies that ensure an orgasm even though everything in your body will crave it and scream “I’ve got to have it NOW”. The truth is, you won’t die if you don’t have an orgasm for a while and it will be a good time for you to focus on what lovemaking feels like being totally present, even if you don’t reach orgasm.
As you lay down your desire for orgasm, and ask God to give you a greater ability to be present in your lovemaking with your husband, I believe that God will begin to heal the mowed down paths in your brain that have been habituated to sinful fantasies and give you new paths to experience great pleasure, including orgasm, with your husband in mutual lovemaking.
I applaud you for risking asking such a private and personal question. I wish we could be more authentic with one another in the body of Christ. Perhaps we’d all feel closer and more connected if we stopped pretending we’re more together than we really are. Let us all know how your healing journey is going. I suspect more readers than you will be trying these things.
Have you heard about the FREE training happening soon?
Be sure to save your seat in our upcoming free training with Leslie on Tuesday, December 5th
Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Moving from Breakdown to Breakthrough
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