I Need More Support But Feel Stuck
Morning friend,
We’re getting better at our house, not 100% yet, but better. Thanks for your prayers.
Last week’s question was about getting unhooked from other people’s toxic words and false accusations. This week’s question is about detaching from needing to control the outcome.
Today’s Question: I know I need more support from outside in my marriage. It is a great burden on me. However, I do not know how to get that support. I read your blog and have read your others books on abuse, and those things have been lifelines for me. I really feel the need to have a trusted friend to talk to about my difficulties, but I am not sure how to find one.
I have considered joining one of your online groups, but that doesn't seem possible. My husband is a cleric. I homeschool. He works from home. He would be livid at me if he knew I was joining a support group for women in abusive relationships. I would likely not be allowed to continue and if I were it would be at great cost as he would make it difficult for me. I don't know how to do it on the sly either. He is at home, I am at home, the children are at home. Not always, but there aren't regular times when I am alone.
All my friends go to our church – where he is the leader. If I were to talk to one of them, it would put a huge burden on them since he is their leader. Plus they might feel the need to deal with it at a church level, which would also come back to me. To find a friend outside of church seems tricky as well. I am very busy and the burden I carry is heavy. My time is often spent trying to recover and heal from emotional pain, so just the time involved in finding a friend is daunting, never mind trying to get together without his oversight.
As I write this, I realize that perhaps I need to try to not homeschool in order to have more independence. However, I am concerned that some of my children might follow the wrong crowd at school. I am committed to bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Besides that, I would have to work and currently I struggle with my health. I think that is partly due to the years of this marriage as well as the burden I so often feel that he shouldn't be in ministry.
Answer: I feel for you. I hear you hurting inside. Your burden is heavy and you are experiencing great pressure and pain. You know you need to make a change because maintaining the status quo is making you ill. Yet your fear of making a change keeps you spinning in circles and staying stuck right where you are, to your own peril.
I wonder if you noticed that every good solution you came up with to help yourself came with an obstacle that stopped you from moving forward and taking action. From what you have communicated I believe you are extremely capable of coming up with good solutions for yourself. Therefore, I’m not going to give you any more solutions. Instead, I want to address your resistance to taking action on your own behalf (which I believe is a very common problem for good Christian women in your situation).
First, you are living by certain fundamental beliefs that may not be true. I know they “feel’ true because you’ve always lived by them but trust me, they are not true. It seems to me that you are living with a belief that “it’s up to you to keep everything going.” Your kids, their future selves, your church’s well-being, and your husband’s ministry. If you rock the boat in the slightest way by doing something different (like taking care of yourself or by seeking a friend or getting outside support) and other people have a negative reaction or a problem results, it will be your all fault. You made a bad choice. You are the selfish one for causing this problem. You are bad.
For example, you fear if you put your kids in public school to give yourself more time, or an opportunity to be employed or to develop a support system, that maybe your kids will go off the rails and not follow God. That would be all your fault. It would mean you are a bad mother.
You fear if you develop an honest friendship with a woman from your church and you disclose what’s going on at home and she tells other church leaders, it will be your fault if negative consequences fall upon your husband for his emotional abuse towards you. You are a bad wife. You did something wrong.
You say if you join CONQUER and your spouse finds out that you’ve joined a support group and doesn’t like it, he gets to decide for you, what you are allowed to join or not join. What you need and don’t need. His anger or disapproval is intolerable to you. It means you did something wrong and you have no other choice except to cave under his demands that you quit.
But I would ask you to think again. These beliefs are false beliefs. [Tweet “They feel powerful and real but they are boogeymen in your head that keep you from moving forward with the next right step for you.”]
But here is where your anxiety flares. And, here’s where you must face the reality that what you’ve been believing is not true. If the next right step for you does result in pushback or negative consequences from others, does that mean it was not the next right step for you to take?
No. Not at all! Jesus often took steps that his own disciples disagreed with but he took them knowing that was his next right step God wanted him to take. In the Old Testament, Queen Esther took a brave next step, walking into the King's presence not knowing whether he would receive her or kill her. Moses’ mother took the next right step and hid her baby boy from Pharaoh’s henchmen. When she could hide him no longer she made a basket and put him in the river. She had no way of knowing the outcome. She just knew she must move forward in faith.
It seems to me that you are continually living in fear. Fear of what your husband will do or think. Fear of what others will do or think. Fear of what your children will do or think. I get this. I lived this way for half of my adult life. I still sometimes wrestle with these worries. No judgment here. I’m just being honest with where we are as Christian wives and moms. We believe by sacrificing ourselves things will change for the better. We get frozen and stuck and sicker and sicker.
Friend, I think God wants something new and different for you. He wants you to live by faith, not fear. To trust him. And to stop putting the responsibility to manage everyone else’s life on your shoulders. Just hearing this – how do you feel? Can you imagine how freeing it would feel?
For example, how would you feel if you believed you were not responsible for how your husband managed his feelings when you told him the truth about how you feel in your relationship or your decision to get outside support? How would you feel if you believed that you were not responsible for all your children’s choices as they navigate into adulthood? And, how would you feel if you believed you were not 100% responsible for the outcome of your marriage or your husband’s reputation or ministry as a pastor if you stopped pretending and started walking in truth? WHEW! Can you feel the relief already?
Yes, it’s true. Your new healthy choices may result in some negative experiences. Your husband may be angry or disappointed with you. People may not believe you. Your children may struggle with the reality of their own faith journey. He may be confronted by church leaders on his treatment of you. We’re not naïve to those possibilities. But can God not use those same seemingly negative situations to help your husband, congregation and children learn to grow into more mature, godly people? YES. That is also a healing/growth opportunity for everyone in this situation.
For you to continue to lie and pretend, to get sick, or sacrifice yourself to cover over wrong-doing for the false image of marriage and family or preservation of “ministry” is a false god. We have seen too many recent examples of flawed ministry leaders from Bill Hybels, to James McDonald, to Ravi Zacharias for us to continue to believe we do ministry or leadership any good by keeping reputations intact while they continue unchallenged to damage the sheep under their care.
So let me close by asking you to ask yourself a question: If you were to make the next right decision from the place of love instead of fear.
What’s best for you right now?
What’s best for your kids right now?
What’s best for your husband right now?
What’s best for your church right now?
Not what “feels” best (for their comfort) but for their long-term well-being, their long-term maturity? For yours?
[Tweet “As I’ve said before, sometimes we’re only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear or pain of making the change.”] I hope you don’t continue to abdicate decision-making power over your own well-being because you’re afraid your husband won’t like it. Most likely he won’t like it if he’s used to you caving into him. This is your opportunity to let him know that you are an adult person capable of deciding what you need and what’s good for you.
It’s time for you to care for you. Get the support you need. That is not selfish, but stewardship of your one precious body and life.
Friend, how have you gotten free enough to make good decisions for yourself, especially when you fear negative consequences if you let go of all the reigns of everyone else’s life.
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How do I join a support group online or in my area?
CONQUER which is my online support group will open in April/May. Your local Domestic Abuse Shelter usually has an in person support group. There are many churches that offer Celebrate Recovery support groups for whatever you need help with. There are other on-line groups if you just google them and check out their programs and leadership.
I can identify with the situation and the feelings in today’s post. I was in a similar situation, and joined Leslie’s support group “on the sly.” Of course I got “caught” and he got angry, but he got over it when I did not back down. I am still a member of Conquer and it is a great help and support for me!
Fear does prevent me from seeing the truth in my life. I lived like that or should say I didn’t realize it until I told a counselor that no matter how careful what I did or did not buy at the store my husband would be angry and the counselor said out loud that it was not right. I was blind sighted to the truth as I felt I would be not be loyal to my husband if I shared what was happening in our relationship. It was still hard and it took me years to see I wasn’t responsible for his outbursts of anger and I couldn’t live to make sure everything would be right for him. I’m a better person today but realize I need to become more and more the woman of God He wants me to be and not what my husband or anyone else wants me to be. It is still a
challenge.
Today I read the story of the paralytic man who his friends overcame obstacles to get Jesus’ help. There are still obstacles in my life that prevent me from getting the help I need or to just being with Jesus.
My husband was not a pastor but this story sounds all too familiar to me. I stayed in my marriage for 24 years trying to take on the responsibility of making sure everyone was ok and doing the “right” thing. I was working so hard to not rock the boat that I didn’t realize the boat was broken on every side. I feared him, his reaction to every thing I said and did, I feared for my children but thought trying to keep the peace was the answer and it was not, I feared how I could afford to leave even though I was the main bread winner, so much fear. It scarred me and my boys and I still struggle with the guilt of staying that long and the damage that was inflicted on them.
So what moved me to action is when my older son said, mom, if you don’t do something, my younger son was probably not going to survive, he was so wounded he did not want to live. I couldn’t see it, I thought if I just try harder, get him better help, etc. it would be ok. It was not!
Please, even if he doesn’t direct any abuse to your children directly, they are seeing what he is doing to you. Move, take steps, find a way to find support, God will help you with these steps because he knows you don’t deserve to live like that. I’m praying for you and all those in similar situations and I praise God for Leslie and her ministry to help support us with Godly wisdom.
Did your son get better after you left?
When I started to read today’s post, I honestly thought that it was me who had written it. I was honestly thinking, is this me, but no, I don’t think I ever emailed Leslie Vernick before. The words you said and your exact situation were mine, and I felt the exact same way you do. I would secretly run next door to the church to have anonymous counseling but I was shaking the entire time thinking I’d be caught. I too, never wanted to throw my kids to the wolves. I too, never had anyone close to talk to because all of my friends were in the church or unsaved family members. I too, didn’t want to blow everything up and cause problems in the church. Oh.my.goodness!!! Do I ever hear your pain and 100% understand your situation. If you want to email me, I could communicate with you that way. I would just hope to be an encouragement and help you navigate these rough waters. When I was in your situation, I wanted someone to talk to so badly. I just needed someone to hear me. I wanted help, sure, but I also needed moral support. I’m still not on the other side even though my husband isn’t pastoring anymore. I still struggle, but a little differently. My husband is still that same person – nothing shakes him and nothing causes him to change.
I’m going to leave you my email address:
broodymama73@gmail.com
I too struggle with being afraid of my h. His angry outbursts and entitlement and bullying are always there even when he seems to be trying to be “nice”. But I have realized during those times he just wants something from me. Just this morning we had a huge fight and I gave in to the fight even tho I knew he was baiting me. He wanted me to apologize for something I know I didn’t do but he was adamant. I had a counselor tell me to leave the house, go join a fitness class so I did and that helped but the virus put an end to that and I haven’t been able to get back. I’m in my 70’s so divorce seems impossible. I am so thankful for all your teaching Leslie. You started me on a path to awakening. I too need support like the one who asked the question and I agree how hard it is to come by. I know the Lord has a plan for us. “Hanging in there” takes so much energy, so I choose to trust and rest as I can that He will guide me. I’m learning about boundaries and it’s hard after years of not having strong ones. Blessings and prayers! Thanks Leslie.
Why do you think the Lord has plans for “us”? There is no reflection of him in the “us” you describe. There is far more biblical instruction to remove yourself from evil and part company with a fool.
Don’t waste your time fighting with this man. He enjoys it. He enjoys the fight, so when he over takes you, there was a more satisfying sense of competition for him, the victor. This is a sick, sick, relationship. It doesn’t glorify God. Get out of it.
Thank you, Leslie.
I too, needed to hear this today! It is so hard for some of us to have the courage to step out. But we do not carry this on our own. Begin with daily, ongoing, moment by moment prayer. And when the time is right, the words will come from a place beyond yourself.
I can totally relate to the writer of this question. I was in a very similar marriage and I felt completely locked in. I went to therapy hoping to figure out how to be “better” so I could “do all the things.” I ended up with 3 different Christian therapists saying exactly what Leslie said, my problem was not that I couldn’t do enough, it was my belief that I was supposed to be doing more (“everything”). And my problem was my husband was not behaving like a Christian man. For me, I essentially had a breakdown and became unable to do even the most basic things. And that’s when I saw the really nasty side of my husband. Turns out it wasn’t me or the things I did that set him off. I learned what Leslie says, the anger came out because that’s what was in there.
I just want to say that it took me a really long time to understand it. And it started with opening up to one person. And being brave enough to let go of just one responsibility that wasn’t mine. And so I pray that the writer of that question will find courage and faith to do one step and that God will send someone alongside her, and that God will use those small steps to encourage her, and that she will keep trying to find her way to the truth and that God will reveal it to her, in his perfect wisdom at his perfect pace, in ways that she can handle, so that she can see things for how they really are. And so she can get to a place where she can live in the truth and be cherished and loved as the beautiful creature that God made, deserving of love, care, support, nurturing, respect, rest, and freedom from the angry outbursts.
Reading this answer, Leslie, was something I needed to hear years ago. I was living in fear thinking I was responsible for the wellbeing of everyone, even as a young child. Thankfully, I now know better. I am healthier for it, and so is my husband. I grew up thinking and was taught to be quiet and keep things to myself. And so at first, I approached my marriage this way. Keeping things to myself just to keep the peace really does not bring us or the situation peace. My husband and I have more peace when we are honest and open and not living in fear. Then we can address and work on the things we need to and both of us are heard. Dealing with the lies that were keeping me quiet was so freeing and helped me learn to speak up and address something. You are right. It is not selfish to have needs, feelings, opinions, or to say what you like and dislike.
I could really relate to everything that this woman has written! My situation was almost identical and my fears were identical. One thing that really helped give me courage was realizing that even though I would get pushback and upset my husband by rocking the boat, I was constantly being verbally and emotionally attacked by him anyway. That empowered me to start to make positive changes for myself and for my children. Leslie’s website and books and Conquer group were lifesaving! I totally understand if you are not ready for a group. It took me a while to get there. Just call the national domestic abuse hotline or a local domestic abuse organization and talk to someone. You are not alone! Take baby steps!
As I write this, my husband and I are separated, and I am working on healing, maintaining healthy boundaries, and learning healthy communication. I have surrounded myself with tons of support (groups, individuals, counseling) and that in itself has made such a huge difference. I pray that the Lord will lead you to the right support people for you.
How do you join a Conquer group?
We will open our CONQUER membership in April. We only invite new members twice a year. If you want to join a Walking in Core Strength Coaching group, you can e-mail assistant@leslievernick.com. Those groups start in March and run for 3 months and are coaching groups on developing CORE strength.
I always knew something wasn’t right but I kept thinking Inwill never make my kids choose. Now my son is dead. My lovely 18 year old baby, gone. I hoped he would be peace make r between our family. Just the 4 of us. Now my daughter doesn’t talk to us. My heart is beyond broken. I keep thinking I can do this. And some days I can. Others I just shouldn’t be around people.
Oh, this is just the saddest..my heart breaks for you Debb. I empathize for what you are going through..I walk through similar waters. Prayers are with you.
WOW, Leslie! Spot on, as usual! God wants us “to live by faith, not fear. To trust Him.” And to “stop taking responsibility to manage everyone else’s life.” I struggle with this, too, but when I remember that God is ultimately in charge of changing the hearts of my loved ones, it gives me more energy to pray and to stay in a positive space. Trying harder (to change others) hasn’t worked because it’s not my job! My job is to love them. Give me grace, Lord, to remember this.
In early October 2021 I found out from a doctor that what I was living in was an emotionally abusive marriage and when I googled emotionally abusive marriage I found a Leslie Vernick and I watched as many YouTube videos as I could and I ordered her book the destructive marriage which was like a looking glass into my life. I had a conversation with my husband suggesting that I have decided to work on myself in this marriage that I understand now that I have some things I need to figure out and hopefully he’ll figure out what he needs to do to make this marriage work. For the next month I started to put boundaries in place when there were none. He didn’t like it and the crazy cycle started again but this time I told him that I would not be talked to like that or I won’t be in a conversation with you if you were going to yell at me or I am sorry but I feel disrespected when you swear at me. I started to say no after he requested money from me for different things when I had never ever said no before. He doesn’t work he is an artist I am the sole breadwinner of the family and always have been the last 10 years.
A little bit of a similar situation in that I went and joined his church where his best friend is the pastor and they actually married us. During the rest of October the verbal and emotional abuse just got worse and so I went and saw a lawyer to find out if my prenup would stand up in court. I was given lots of options that we’re all gonna just cost me too much money so I decided to sell my house if my husband would not agree to move out in 30 days and take a cash settlement offer from me. He refused numerous times and so I listed the house and sold it in a day and a half for $55,000 more than it was worth. Within a half an hour the good Lord found another house for me and I bought it and I am moving today. I feel so free I know this is gods will for my life he does not want me living in misery. I have no one to talk to either and then eventually told my sister and explained that I was so ashamed to live this way for 10 years I just felt so stupid to have gotten sucked into a relationship like this. I do plan on doing the work it takes to become healthy and my mind and love myself and I have grown so much closer to the Lord because of this. I have found a new church who is so welcoming and I’m now training to be a deacon even though I am such a baby and my journey in God‘s path for me but it just goes to show that life can change 2 1/2 months and I have a whole new beginning. Find a trusted relative or a trusted friend close by or reach out to a woman’s group you need to talk to someone who is versed in this and Leslie is the best. Please just don’t keep on keeping on because it is not doing you any good or your family any good or your husband any good.
His Eyes need to be opened and if it takes you walking out the door like it took me walking out the door for his eyes to be opened then that is the course you must take. Seek God‘s guidance always and trust in him with your whole heart and he will direct your paths. God bless you!
Great news ! Job well done!
This is a such an excellent reply by Leslie. I, also felt the weight of my family being the good Christian family was my responsibility. I felt extreme failure when my husband left me.
It took answers like this for me yo realize that I worked so hard for my family that I didn’t work hard for myself.
My grown children had to realize that their perfect dad as they saw him had his own issues. They had to look back at why they thought he did no wrong.
They had to realize that I was not the bad guy and I had done everything I could have possibly do to fix our marriage.
The church had to realize that this elder left his wife unbiblically and had to decide to let him go as an elder.
I had to learn to do so many things that I had been capable of all along.
I will always wish it hadn’t happened like that but grateful that God walked through it all with me.
Was it hard? For sure! Did I think I wasn’t going to make it? Many times.
So far I’ve made it 3 yrs and hope for what the future will bring.
I am 64 and was married 40 yrs.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you for posting.
I called the DV hotline today. It was a warm human experience. I felt a lot more brave to ask for help. I was referred to the YWCA. They did an intake over the phone. I said I needed help with the process. I’ve over thought everything I had to do that it became insurmountable in my mind. I live in one state and want to leave H and move to KY where I have a family support for help.
My appointment is Tuesday with my advocate. I fear her calling me. Because I don’t want to be caught by H. I fear him finding out for my safety. It’s not their first rodeo. They will expect my call.
My goal initially is to remove myself from his presence so I can have a chance to decompress. I need to get the brain worm out of my head.
The years of verbal abuse are taking a toll on my physical health. I need to do this for me.
It was just last night it finally clicked for me. The straw was a teeny tiny event that just pushed me over the edge.
A lot of chaos has been happening over the past week. His world is imploding and H cannot control things the way he wants.
One of our crisis is the water heater having a leak. He said he was thinking of a way to get the water to flow to the drain. We’d put a plastic garbage can lid under it and were able to capture the water.
I said I had an idea and some . . . he angrily shut me off, raised his voice and said he didn’t need to hear from me. He had his own idea.
My first thought was shock, then hurt then I thought, do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? Do I just want to continue on just waiting to die, or do I want to take charge of my life?
I went to bed and cried.by morning, I took the first of many steps to come.
I’m happy, sad,wanting to vomit or cry or laugh hysterically all at the same time. I’m a mess in progress looking forward to freedom.
I’m glad you contacted the DV shelter. That was a brave step for you and let us know how it goes. Glad you’ve decided to take back control over the one thing you can, and that is you and your welfare.
Brave Rabbit,
I remember you from a while back and the struggles you have been facing for a long time. I am so proud of you for taking these steps. It never got any better, did it? Moving forward may be hard, but you deserve to be treated with respect and care, and I trust you will find it elsewhere as you move forward. I hope you can find a good church or a bible study group where you can grow in the knowledge of our Lord. You truly are brave.
Brave Rabbit, so so proud of you. So good to hear this news of you being ready to take better care of u!!!!!
I’m thankful for Leslie to be honest with us, and encourage us to be honest with ourselves. The part that stood out for me in her response today correlates with my study today from Exodus about worshiping idols.
I was guilty and I still resist worshiping a marriage that is really not a Christian marriage (bc of abuse). I do believe that is worshiping a false idol, and God wants us to worship and trust Him with our life. He is a God of truth. We all need encouragement and help from one another to live in truth and reality, and do so safely.
Our safety also requires the wisdom of others, so here we are back to our real need for fellowship and time to care for and nourish our body, mind and souls.
Such a good blog post. I lived with my husband who started going through a midlife crisis; call it whatever, but after 19 good years of marriage, he began to walk away from God (I was no angel either- but I went along to get along). I began to fear him, walking on eggshells, covering for him; when before, we were best friends. He steadily became a man I didn’t know any more, but I didn’t have the tools to help him or myself, except to talk about it which just pushed him farther away. I didn’t know what to do but pray & the time came that I feared for my life and had him arrested. I decided no more covering for him even though I knew it would cost him his job- our only income, also the embarrassment for friends, family and church to find out. It was devastating & relieving all at the same time. Thank God, it brought my H back to reality- losing his wife, children, home and job in about 24 hours brought him to his knees. He repented & has done everything possible to get his family back & provide for us again. It’s scary, but food stamps & hopefully Medicaid will be available if needed. So, it is a risk you take, your H may not change, but he just might if he truly loves God & his family- & you have to see proof that he will walk the walk & not just talk. Blessings to you, be ready to stay with relatives if he won’t leave, work out a plan & face your fears. It was so very hard, but I could not continue doing life that way. We changed churches and lost some “friends” along the way, but God knows what He’s doing! The freedom & good relationship I now have with H again was worth all the months of torture through the judicial system- that’s a whole other story. Take care of you and kiddos and ultimately you’ll be doing your husband a favor too.
Wowzers! Really hit home! I’ve been living her life to the tee!
I lost my dog and my H blames me for it. That was the final straw for me. I realized there and then he had NO AUTHORITY over me.
I got a apartment and left. I am scared to death but I feel so happy and free. I’m so excited to get back into conquer and connect with my sisters 👯♀️ again. So I can get support
After years of pain and depression it came to this: the pain of change was less than the pain of staying the same. I realized one day (by the grace of God) that I could choose! Like Leslie stated above, that I mattered, and that it was not up to me to fake peace for the sake of everyone else. I pray God gives you the courage and strength you need and directs you to the support you need.
Why do you think the Lord has plans for “us”? There is no reflection of him in the “us” you describe. There is far more biblical instruction to remove yourself from evil and part company with a fool.
Don’t waste your time fighting with this man. He enjoys it. He enjoys the fight, so when he over takes you, there was a more satisfying sense of competition for him, the victor. This is a sick, sick, relationship. It doesn’t glorify God. Get out of it.
My prayer is that we all find that first, one person we can open up to. Thank you all for sharing. It all helps.