I Hate My Ex Husband and Can’t Stop
Morning friend,
Emotions can be wonderful and terrible — sometimes at the same time. We experience the joy of love, beauty, gratitude, and wonder, and we feel the pain of rejection, betrayal, injustice, illness, and life being hard. When you experience difficult or unpleasant feelings like rage, shame, hurt, and hatred, what do you do with them?
The first step is to notice that you’re being consumed by them. You can’t change anything unless you’re first willing to see it. This dear sister is noticing that she’s being consumed with hatred — and I’m sure she’s not the only one struggling with this
This week’s question: I hate my ex-husband… like literally hate him. It binds me up. It hurts me. I get this. But I honestly can’t seem to get over my hatred for him. I pray for him to have a good life and speak forgiveness, but I don’t feel it at all. I honestly don’t know how to break free from this anymore. I’m at my wits end. 😢
Answer: Thank you for your raw honesty. Please don’t let the enemy beat you up for your human feelings. Hatred can be a natural response toward someone who has deeply harmed us. The fact that you recognize it’s causing you more harm than good is important.
The Bible never minimizes the pain we experience when people cause harm. Scripture is full of raw, honest moments where godly people wrestled with intense feelings.
David envied the proud and was furious that they seemed to get away with evil. He felt his own life was nothing but hard. He cried, “Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason? I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain” (Psalm 73:13). A few verses later, his perspective shifts: “Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant — I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you” (Psalm 73:21).
Jeremiah cursed the day he was born after being beaten and thrown in jail (Jeremiah 20:14–18). He prayed for God to take vengeance on those who persecuted him (Jeremiah 11:20, 12:1–3). He did not pretend to be fine when he wasn’t.
And when Jonah got stuck in his hatred toward the Ninevites, it was so consuming he told God he’d rather die than see them repent (Jonah 4:1–3).
God doesn’t sugarcoat the stories of real people in Scripture. He gives us these stories so we know we are not alone in our confusion, fury, resentment, and hatred. And yet — God calls us to love, not hate. Hatred is fuel for the enemy. We don’t want to give him any ground by excusing or holding onto our hatred because of what someone did to us. It will ruin us.
And you know this or you wouldn’t have asked. You don’t want this hatred, yet it lingers in your body and mind. You pray for forgiveness; you ask God to give him a good life and still those feelings remain.
Friend, you’re already doing a lot right. You’re owning your problem. You are walking by faith and praying for your enemy, desiring his good. That is biblically loving your enemy even when your feelings don’t feel loving.
What might be possible if you could separate what your ex has done from who he is as a person? Could you hate his sin while continuing to forgive and biblically love the sinner? Remember, biblical love is not a fond feeling, it is action directed toward someone’s long-term good. That might even include calling the police, pressing charges, or going no-contact, in the hope that consequences bring him to his senses.
Finally, the Bible does tell us to hate evil and you should never feel ashamed for that. God hates evil. “All who fear the Lord will hate evil” (Proverbs 8:13). Paul reminds us to “hate what is evil; hold tight to what is good” (Romans 12:9).
So it is right and good to love your enemy and hate the evil he has done. Paul also encourages us: “Don’t let evil conquer you but conquer evil by doing good” (Romans 12:21). He is not saying you will conquer his evil — he is saying that by doing good, you can conquer the poison of hatred within yourself.
I hope you find peace as you do this work.
Friend, when you have been filled with hatred, what steps have you taken to let it go before it became harmful to you?
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This is such an excellent response to the problem, I am amazed and encouraged….thank you, Leslie!
I struggled with hatred years ago for my husband, I knew it was wrong, but it was also damaging me. I asked the Lord to remove it from my heart, and he delivered me from it. I have been angry about husband’s sinful behaviour, but have been delivered from the destructive hatred.
My God. Thank you for wonderful notes.
I be been hurt by my narcissistic husband abuser with dimentia manipulated.
I hate him for all the abuse and what he’s done to destroy me and children, all for money.
I pray that God removes him while constantly hovering and gas lightning.
I hate sin but pray for sinners to convert, but evil will never convert? I refuse to pray for evil doer’s.
Judas never did, and we have free will.
That Court even encroaching on it.
Where are this world going?
I hope God will soon be back.
Thank you All for wonderful work you do.
Love you ❤️
I find it really difficult to pray for my husband because i am working so hard on acknowledging that i can’t control his actions (only my own). Back when I used to focus my thoughts on how I might “help” him change, I would pray for him a lot. So now I find myself avoiding praying for him, as i fear that I will slip back into hoping he will change again, and focusing on that rather than focusing on my CORE and seeking what I need to do. I know the two aren’t mutually exclusive in theory, but it is so easy to slip back into hoping. Especially when we are in the phase of the abuse cycle when he is being “nice” again. Any advice or wisdom?
Hello Mary, I’ve been in the same situation for a really long time I’m embarrassed to admit exactly how long. I’ve always been so hopeful, but I too have lost hope, because I’ve been disappointed time and time again and now I feel like I don’t even know what to pray anymore..
I am in the same situation. Things get better for days or a week or two then back to the same ole behavior. It is a vicious circle. I pray forgive and ask God to help me forgive. I do communicate with a a Christian therapist, however leaving and get a divorce is not an option due to amount of time in the marriage and finances.
Norma, I was married for 43 years; now divorced for over 25. I stayed “due to time in the marriages and finances”. I “stayed for the kids” ( who are now all adults and have children of their own.). My X practiced covert and overt parental alienation while we were married , so now I am dealing with adult children who watched me model putting up with the —- he dealt and have no clue what really went on behind closed doors.. I now see them doing the same exact thing with him , as I did , plus in their own relationships . They treat me the same as he treated me. The good news is, once I escaped that prison, I am so much happier and not nearly as lonely. I have never even considered dating and would never get married again. The one thing I would love to hear from my kids is this; “I know dad was a bad husband to you, Mom, and I am sorry that even though you were a great wife and mom, albeit imperfect, we can never again be together again as a family.” For them to validate me would be a truly a dream, but I am not holding my breath because since he lied and was so covert, they see still him as the greatest guy, the HERO, because he was Mr. Disneyland Dad and still plays that role.
Carmen, your experience is so necessary for women to see. I too “stayed” for the kids and for financial reasons as well as fear. It almost destroyed my relationship with my kids who are now adults. Staying robbed me of the joy of being a mother because I was constantly in survival mode. In a blink of an eye they went from being babies to adults in their mid 20s. My health has been impacted because of this relationship. My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to leave and put it in God’s hands. Focus on healing and working with God to restore the parts of you your spouse tried to destroy.
An effective way to pray for these men would to simply commit them into the Father’s hands and then LET GO! The Lord knows how to deal with them, and you really don’t need to continue to pray for them unless the Lord puts a definite burden in your heart. Let the prayers you have already prayed remain with the Lord; He will honor them in His time and in His way. Your past prayers are not wasted; the Lord is holding onto them, and He will honor them eventually.
Amen, JoAnn!
Hi- I understand EXACTLY what you mean.
I guess if I do have any advice, what’s helped me to pray that GOD’S will be done in my ex-husband’s life. This helps me separate hoping he’ll change because of MY will. Whether he changes or not is off of me.
That is a good distinction. Thank you.
I don’t believe that God wants us to pray for people when the result tends to be hopium and ruminating thoughts. Jeremiah 7:16-18
English Standard Version
16 “As for you, do not pray for this people, or lift up a cry or prayer for them, and do not intercede with me, for I will not hear you. 17 Do you not see what they are doing in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem?
I say out loud, “I forgive my ex-husband and my step-mother in Jesus Name” and that breaks the hold unforgiveness has on me. The enemy must flee at the name of Jesus when said outloud!
While we are on this Earth in human form we experience humans emotions on a daily basis. It is a natural human response and our emotions often times do consume us. Give yourself credit for recognizing how being hurt and betrayed by someone you love has caused you to react in a human way. It is always with the strength of my spiritual faith that I am able to rise above feeling hatred and resentment. There is a saying that when we hold on to such negative feelings we are allowing those that have harmed us to live rent free in our heads. And in doing so we are also allowing them to continue to hurt us! Forgive yourself and love yourself every day if necessary. Write out your feelings on paper and then burn that paper. It’s a great exercise in “letting go”! Even if you have to do it repeatedly! You are a brave woman to “own your stuff” so to speak and it is a sign that you are capable of creating something better and positive in your life. Keep the faith and stay strong – you deserve happiness and joy – it’s there for you.
Wishing you all the best.
oh my goodness!! This is so timely today!!! The title caught my eye because many times I find my self hating my husband. I love him but I hate his actions and sin and all the yuck!! I agree with Mary & Holly & Norma, it’s hard to keep praying and I feel pretty hopeless about him ever changing. He only seems to get worse but as someone else said divorce isn’t an option when you have everything together financially and business wise and children/grandchildren. We have been married almost 35 years. I need to be more faithful in my prayers and in my relationship with Jesus.
🫂🫂🫂
One thing that has helped me is realizing that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek, it did not mean to just keep allowing hurt to happen without resistance. Being hit on the right cheek was a demeaning act, as one does to a slave or someone beneath them, because most people are right-handed, hitting someone on the right cheek required a back-handed action. So if you offer your left cheek, you’re standing tall and saying, ‘Hit me like an equal, I am also worthy in God’s sight.” Similar with the walking a mile, Walking two miles says, “You’re not in control, I am.” The Bible also says in Eph. 5:11, Don’t participate in evil, rather expose it. If you respond like Jesus said, you are exposing their evil. It is a form of nonviolent resistance. Even if nothing changes, you are still making a statement that evil does not win over shalom.
This has been hard for me to wrap my mind around, since I’ve felt put down for so long, but the more I pray on it, the more the Spirit shows me ways of doing that. It’s a partnering with Jesus to bring His Kingdom down as it is in heaven.
I pray Romans 12:19 (on repeat) as I deal with the aftermath of a broken marriage, untruths in court and an unjust settlement. I am not to respond… No vengeance, no retaliation (do you know how many creative journal retort entries I have?!)…. I am to put him on God’s hook and allow room for God’s wrath. I do pray for his heart/soul to accept Jesus – and at times I truly mean it, other times, I’m a work in progress. I know God sees the obedience and that my heart that still needs His healing.
Thank you for addressing these ‘taboo’ topics!
I feel your pain! I too, was full of hate toward my husband. So much so, I didn’t even want to look at him. This hatred totally consumed me. It was ugly for me to see this in my heart. Though I asked God for forgiveness, it still remained. I finally prayed for God to heal me from the inside out and replace the hatred with his love. Even though my circumstances have not change, I am not consumed . I praise God for what he has done in my life. I am a Christian but took my eyes off Him. I also know that the bitterness can come back. But I have peace of mind when I keep my eyes on Him and not my self. Hang in there my friend. God will never leave you.
The part that got me was “ Remember, biblical love is not a fond feeling, it is action directed toward someone’s long-term good. That might even include calling the police, pressing charges, or going no-contact, in the hope that consequences bring him to his senses.” after just being what happened with by my husband and thinking if I should really press charges thinking about the consequences for him and my daughter, while I recovered from the injuries.
Bianca, please know many are praying for you. May I say, safety for you and your daughter is the most important thing. Wherever you are, there are many resources for shelter, healthcare, and legal help. They can help you decide your next best step, if you are weighing your options. Praying for your peace, safety, and future happiness.
For me, the best way to LOVE my ex, was to let him go and told him so before I filed for divorce. I honestly believed and still do, that I was trusting him to God and he was no longer my responsibility to love or hate.
The church leadership (my husband was on staff), who mishandled our marriage before and after his affair; however, was another thing….them, I hated (long story). I knew it was hurting me (I was in constant fight or flight mode) and keeping me stuck…until someone spoke some words that, again for me, made the difference.
I think part of what keeps us hating and stuck is the “what could I have done differently?”, the expectations of them and never feeling heard. So, one day instead of the usual explanations and justifications people gave to explain away my pain, I finally heard, “You didn’t fail to fight, THEY failed to grieve”, “You didn’t miss your moment, THEY missed theirs”, and “you were right to expect more from them”. This acknowledgement seemed to melt away all the hate and grief I held for so long. I pray this fellow soul grieves for what was and finds peace.