Morning friend, I can hardly believe it’s August 2025. It feels like the months fly by. Before you know it, we’ll be talking about the upcoming holidays. But before we get there, let’s linger here for a bit. What’s your favorite thing you’ve done this summer? I’ve had a busy summer. Italy, and Assisi was my highlight. But I’ve been kayaking twice, and I live where I can take a daily hike in a national forest. There is something so restorative about Mother Earth. She speaks to us if you listen (Psalm 19:1; Romans 1:20).

Today’s Question: I’ve come to greatly appreciate your perspective and honesty when it comes to navigating challenging marriages God’s way. There has been no other platform that speaks directly to us wives and gives practical guidance. So thank you.

I’m seeking further guidance about my concerns with my husband in our marriage. We’ve been married for over 5 years, and the past 1.5 years have been incredibly difficult. He has slowly isolated himself over time and has completely disconnected from everyone for the last 1.5 years.

He basically denies all outreach from friends and family. He rarely leaves the house to do anything except work. He never wants to participate with me in activities unless it is only us 2 and we are camping or hiking alone. He’s pulled away from me in virtually all aspects. He absolutely hates himself, speaks negative comments daily, and doesn’t engage with me in deep conversations at all. He’s emotionally, physically, and romantically unavailable.

He’s clearly depressed, though he doesn’t want help from anyone. I’ve been in counseling over the last year to work through this, because I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband (essentially) and grieving what I think our future will not look like anymore. If you’d ask him, he’d say he is okay being alone and doesn’t need anyone.

It’s very hard to explain, but he simply accepts the situation and doesn’t desire or seem to “need” anything to change.

He doesn’t have empathy for my desires and needs as a wife and won’t put in effort simply because I ask him to. He is a Christian but obviously I’m very concerned about his spiritual health with the evident lack of fruit in his life, and he doesn’t help me or our marriage in any spiritual capacity at this point.

He used to come to church with me but he stopped over a year ago and rejects my requests to join me. There is a lot more to this story, but essentially this situation has continued despite all my efforts and efforts of family to intervene. We even moved to a nicer house, which my husband wanted, but that hasn’t resulted in permanent change.

I absolutely love the Lord, and I am committed to Him and my marriage, because Jesus is committed to us as the church no matter what we do and despite our sin. I desire to be committed to my husband, as Jesus is to me, no matter what he does or doesn’t do.

However, of course, the lack of physical, emotional, and relational connection with my husband is incredibly painful. I got married because I wanted a partner in life and to share times together in all the ways a husband and wife should. I know God can change my husband’s heart and intervene here, but enduring this is incredibly challenging, painful, and heartbreaking. I feel neglected, to say the least. I’m young and have many years ahead of me, God willing.

My question to you is how would you proceed in a marriage like this? Above many things I desire, I want my husband to go to church with me and for him to desire to spend time/be with me. But he never does anything simply because I request that he does, so I’m not sure how long I can endure this. I’m open to seeing divorce having grounds due to abuse, however it clearly says in the bible that remarrying if your ex-spouse is still alive is adultery. Which is clearly sin. What would you say to this?

In my experience with my husband and what I’ve read online from other resources, I truly believe my husband has a personality disorder. Throughout our marriage I’ve changed my mind in that I desire to have children now, but he still has absolutely no desire (I used to be completely against having children and that’s the premise we married on).

So, there are clearly huge aspects affecting our marriage that I know won’t change or happen unless my husband wants to. I have no control over his desires. So, I’m in quite a pickle but thought I’d reach out for your expert opinion. Thank you for your time!

Answer: I’m sorry that you are living in this lonely and hard reality. I’m also encouraged that you have committed to doing your own work, even if he refuses to do his.

Your husband does seem like he’s experiencing some serious depression. But you also indicate that you think he also may have a personality disorder. I’m sure these are things you’ve discussed with your counselor. Regardless of the what or why of his condition, your current reality is that he refuses to get help, and it’s crippling him and your marriage.

Living with a depressed person, especially one who is not interested in getting well, is extremely draining. Depression can also be contagious. I’m grateful that you are getting counseling for yourself, and I hope you do what you need to do to stay healthy. Christian women often feel guilty or selfish for having boundaries or taking time to nourish and care for their own selves, especially when their loved one is in such an awful place. But taking care of you is crucial. If your husband had COVID or some other contagious disease, it would be good stewardship for you to wear a mask and gloves and sleep in another room to protect your own self. This does not demonstrate a lack of love for him, but good stewardship of you. From what you wrote, it doesn’t seem that you feel guilty taking care of you, but you do feel confused in your role as a wife, as well as your next right steps forward regarding your marriage.

First, most important is to continue to center yourself in Christ and his love for you. If you’ve followed our work here, we talk about God inviting you to be a God-centered woman, not a marriage or man-centered woman. Sometimes women put their husbands in a place where God never intended them to be. When that happens, their husband and marriage become their god (their source of truth and wellbeing) instead of God. This temptation is a curse from the Fall (Genesis 3:16) and not God’s will for women or marriage.

Second, marriage is a covenant relationship that requires some basic elements to survive and thrive. Relationships, even marriages, can and do die from neglect and sin. For example, in Scripture, we see that the close relationship that David and King Saul once had was destroyed through King Saul’s envy of David’s growing popularity. (The entire story is found in 1 Samuel 9-24, but particularly look at 1 Samuel 18:5-9, and 1 Samuel 24:11-15). We see that David’s relationship with his own children was permanently damaged through David’s refusal to properly deal with Amnon over the rape of his half-sister Tamar (See 2 Samuel 13-18).

In the New Testament, we see the apostle Paul’s disappointment and broken trust with John Mark (Acts 15:36-41), and later we see that repair that was made when Mark proved himself trustworthy (2 Timothy 4:11).

Jesus himself said that when a brother or sister sins against you, go and speak to him (her) to repair that relationship. But if they refuse, the relationship of brother and sister is not viable (Matthew 18:15-17). Repair has not been made, and therefore, the basics of relationship viability (trust and safety) is not possible. Jesus is clear that we are to love everyone, including our enemies (Matthew 5:43,44 – unconditional love), but he never requires us to be in a relationship (live with or trust) an enemy.

That’s why God is so clear in his word about the importance of regular maintenance and repair in relationship. Reading through portions of the Old Testament, you can quickly see God’s heart and instructions for repair and making amends when someone does something that hurts their neighbor (See Exodus 22:1-3; Lev. 5:16).

In addition, all of the ten commandments have to do with valuing and maintaining relationship, both with God and with others.

True: We can love someone unconditionally (as God loves all human beings John 3:16). To see their highest good.
False: We are required to offer unconditional relationship with people.
True: Jesus never demonstrated or commanded unconditional relationship with others. He called us to love even our enemy, but he never commanded unconditional relationship (See John 3:36).

You acknowledge that your husband and you do not share the same values, goals, or desires. Maybe you never did or you’ve both changed. But don’t see this season in your life as a waste of time. Even if he doesn’t desire to grow or change, you can. This painful hardship can draw you closer to the heart of God and his ways for your next steps forward.

You want to know if you can be a godly wife even in a terrible marriage? The answer is yes. Being a godly wife or woman is the desire of your heart, but it does not guarantee you a good or happy marriage. Abigail was a beautiful and godly woman who was married to a foolish and surly man who would not listen, did not grow, and they did not have a good marriage (1 Samuel 25).

The next step is to ask yourself how might you Biblically love your husband right where he is at? How might you be a good wife (biblical helpmate) for him while in this terrible marriage? There is a lot of bad Biblical advice out there for a godly woman who walks in your shoes. She’s often given the heavy burden to keep trying to make her marriage work. She’s told, don’t push his buttons, be nice, have more sex, submit more, love harder, forgive 70 x 7, etc. You can try harder to do all of those things but the truth is, you cannot have a relationship with a person who does not want to contribute to the health and repair of the relationship. Jesus let Judas go when Judas no longer wanted to be in relationship with Jesus.

One way to Biblically love your husband in the present moment is to speak the truth in love to him. To seek his highest good and let the outcome of that conversation give you information on what your next step might be. Here’s one example of what that might look like…..not the only example but one example.

“Would you be willing to give me a few minutes of time for me to share my heart with you?” ……..If he refuses, don’t continue. But now you have more information that he’s not even willing to listen to you.

If he is willing, you can continue. “I’ve seen you become increasingly withdrawn, unhappy, and miserable over the past few years. It breaks my heart to watch you suffer in this way and not seek any help. It also makes me feel very alone in this marriage. I don’t know what to do anymore. Can I ask you something?” (Stop and wait to see if he answers). If he answers, ask him, “Do you want to still be married?”

If he doesn’t answer, you can continue with, “I want to honor what you think you need to be happy and get well and if it’s not being married any longer, I’d be open to talking about that. You know I’ve changed too over these years. I’ve come to understand that I do want a family/children. I want to be with a man who wants to be with me and share a life together and I sense that is not what you want.” Then wait to see if he can or will respond.

If he tells you that he does want to stay married to you, then you can continue with, “Good, I love you and I love Jesus. What kind of marriage do you want to have, because the kind of marriage that we’ve been having isn’t healthy for me or you?” Wait and see if he can respond. If he responds with some words of the kind of marriage he wants, take it in without comment and ask yourself, “Is this the kind of marriage I want?” For example, he may say, “I want you to quit church, give up your friends and spend all your free time with me.” From what you’ve indicated earlier, that is not what you want. Again, hard and loving truth is what must come next. “I think we want different things from marriage. I am not willing to give up my friends and family. I love them and I don’t think marriage requires me to only love you.”

The Bible is clear, “how can two walk together unless they be agreed” (Amos 3:3). If after talking with him you don’t have any hope that your marriage can be repaired, you still have several decisions to make. Can you live with peace and trust that God knows what you need in this marriage the way it is? Are you Biblically free to acknowledge that the marriage is dead and your husband has no interest in reviving or repairing it? Are you truly married to an unbeliever who has abandoned the marriage even if he hasn’t abandoned the home? (1 Corinthians 7:15). If you believe God allows divorce for abandonment, does that mean you can never remarry?

These are tough questions to ask yourself and God. I cannot tell you what to do. God has given you those choices to make and that wisdom to glean. But I believe that God’s character, God’s word, God’s wisdom and God’s spirit will speak congruently to your heart and mind about Gods’ will. As Proverbs says, “Trust God with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATH STRAIGHT” (Proverbs 3:5,6).

I will be doing a live workshop on our (4) Lies that make Women in Destructive Relationships Feel Crazy and Powerless and What You Can Do to Challenge Them on August 12. Sign up here to attend.

Friend, how do you wisely steward your own self when your man and marriage are falling apart?