How To Maintain Integrity In The Face Of Accusations
Hi there, friends! The holidays are nearing! In the next few months, opportunities may arise to have engagement with challenging people. Now is the time to make a plan for how you want to show up in those interactions. The effects of difficult and destructive people can take a toll on your identity if you are not intentional. Based on past patterns, you may have a good idea about what you will be faced with again. Set your expectations not toward what you want but toward what is likely given the history of the relationship. Consider how you could interrupt the cycles you have been involved in in years past. This holiday season, I pray we all have enough peace of mind to focus on heartfelt thankfulness for God’s good gifts.
Today’s Question: How do I handle continuous accusations from my husband? I cannot get out of bed in the middle of the night without him asking where I'm going? Mind you, I'm just going to the bathroom. He makes innuendos like I'm sleeping around. I love My Jesus and want to please him. But I have no one to talk to without making him look like a bad person.
Susan’s Response: I can imagine that it is very challenging and frustrating to deal with false accusations and hurtful innuendos. I hear your desire to protect your husband and how he is viewed by others. I also know that you need support and a place to feel seen and heard. I admire your ability to reach out regarding this issue. Isolation can lead to depression, anxiety and even emotional breakdown.
Without having more information, it is difficult to understand where the accusations are stemming from. It may be helpful for you to write down the situations and the patterns you have noticed. Perhaps relationship trust has been broken in the past to the point where every event gets interpreted by your husband through a lens of mistrust. It may be that your husband had harmful relationships in childhood or before he entered a relationship with you. Or maybe he assumes you are not trustworthy because he can not trust his own integrity. Whatever the scenario, I hope to give you some conversation pointers as well as some things to consider.
I can imagine you have emotions that surface when you are accused. It is important for you to pay attention and care well for yourself. Naming and processing your own feelings is necessary in order to move forward in a healthy way. The ability to self soothe and regulate your body can help you think clearly and stay within your desired character.
Noticing the feelings of others is an important part of social connection and building intimacy.
Responding compassionately to someone else’s anxiety or insecurity fosters understanding and closeness. If you haven’t practiced validating your husband, that could be a powerful place to start. Curiosity is another powerful tool that wards off harmful assumptions and negative judgment. Both validation and curiosity help to build safety and trust in a relationship.
A conversation using validation and curiosity might start like this, “I’m just getting up to use the bathroom and then I am coming back. You sound like you might be nervous about me leaving the bed. Is that right? What do you think might be causing your concern?” Or “When I hear your innuendos, it sounds like you don’t trust that I am faithful to you? I am not a cheater. What do you think might be causing you to doubt my faithfulness?”
It is incredibly challenging to have empathy for and validate those who have continuously caused you harm. I believe it takes divine power to be able to view others with compassion when they are not willing or able to see you clearly. We read in scripture that Jesus handled accusations in several different ways depending on the situation and God’s perfect will. He is masterful at offering validation and seeing people clearly. When Jesus was insulted or accused, He at times asked curious questions. Other times he remained silent or withdrew. He was known to quote truth or bring understanding through stories when He was misunderstood. Yet, He never retaliated or lost sight of His God given purpose. Likewise, let God guide your responses so that you don’t lose your sense of self.
If you notice the pattern of accusations and innuendos are causing you confusion or self doubt, take steps to protect yourself from losing who you are. Develop boundaries for yourself. When you are accused, a boundary might be as simple as saying to yourself, “I have not done anything wrong; his statements are not going to tear me down.” Or like the prophet Nehemia, you might respond similarly to the way he did when he was accused, “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind.” (Nehemiah 6:8)
Human beings are really good at inventing stories in their minds. Anxious assumptions and interpretations can be devastating to individuals and relationships. The prophet Elijah shows an example of an anxious interpretation in 1 Kings 19. His anxious thoughts and feelings of fear caused him to overlook the faithfulness of the one he loved. Yet, God compassionately loved him even though Elijah struggled to see things truthfully. As is true for many today, Elijah’s anxious thoughts changed his destination.
Elijah desired to do the work of God yet even still was derailed by threats, fear and anxiety. I don’t know where your husband is with his faith or what is motivating his mistrust and accusations. Regardless, each of us is responsible to manage our one life. Don’t allow another person to cause you to lose sight of who you are and whose you are as a believer of Jesus Christ.
Friend if you are struggling to maintain your identity in Christ due to challenging people or situations in your life, make sure you join our email list for free trainings and support options.
Be well!
Beloved reader, have you had to handle accusations from a loved one even though you have been trustworthy? How have you successfully managed those conversations?
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I lived with my parents when I became a Christian at 15 years old. My father was a raging alcoholic and would follow us around screaming and hitting our hands with his car keys or pulling us out of bed by our feet. He would call me whore, slut, etc. and I said, “I am a beloved child of God and those things are not true about me.” I asked God, “How can I forgive him for making my life so miserable.” He seemed to ask, “How could I forgive you?” I knew God had forgiven me. My dad’s behavior improved towards me. My husband is much more insidious about his accusations. He questions the Christian YouTube channels I watch as if they’re not correct. I always use ear buds. I am pro-Israel and pray for the peace of Israel and he is not. I also pray for innocent bystanders suffering in the conflicts. I question certain things in the news media and he does not. He agrees that it was okay for my grown son to berate me for questioning (not making up my mind) about vaccine safety because he agreed with him on his judgments of me. They were pretty harsh. I just wanted to discuss it. I avoid topics that we disagree on to avoid being judged or accused, however, when there are topics that should not be avoided I say to him, “I feel you are accusing me of not being a good Christian, or of sinning when I don’t believe I am.” He felt I was backseat driving and lost his temper when I asked to slow down on Halloween night because kids were crossing the streets and we had to make an emergency stop. He was going the speed limit, but because of the circumstances, I wanted him to go slower. We discussed it later and we had to agree to disagree. He felt the kids shouldn’t cross the street if cars were coming. I feel children’s safety is more important than who has the right of way. I don’t know if this helps, but sharing calmly how you feel about the accusations at least allows him to reflect on how his words and behavior are affecting you. Whether he changes or not is completely up to him.
Thank you for your thoughts, Jannice! It sounds like your calm comments were a benefit for you as well. You sound strong and clear about who you are. I admire how you have handled your very difficult situations without losing yourself. God Bless!
Being accused of things you haven’t done or no reasons to be accused of is really hard., so l validate your pain.
Leaving with someone who insecurities is really tough. I want to encourage you to ground yourself in the knowledge of who God says you are not take the accusations personal as Susan has mentioned you may only be recipient of his unresolved and unhealed past relational issues ( be it family of origin or otherwise). He has his work to do to heal but as to wether he’s willing to go this path is another matter.
As Susan mentioned asking curious questions when he does accuses you will give you information.
You certainly don’t want to isolate because of the accusations. Ground yourself in the knowledge
that your husband doesn’t know you more than you know yourself but about all God sees and
knows your heart . Hold on to your faith and the helmet of salvation which in Christ Jesus.
Be blessed
My former abuser did many of the things this writer asks about. Accusing me of having affairs, of speaking about him poorly in public, of being overly critical. I am not a perfect person, but these accusations are 100% false. I was never unfaithful to him. But what I did not realize until the end, was that these “accusations” were deliberate attempts to destabilize me. He knew they were lies. He would often purposely start a fight just to have the “opportunity” to leave in a huff. Only he had already planned a rendezvous with one of several different sex partners that I was unaware of. I had no idea that these fights were deliberate, and they created opportunities for him to leave the house without me.
Praise God that you were able see what that was happening with clarity. It can take some time for the pattern to be revealed. I am sure it was really painful; I am glad to hear that season of life is in the past for you, Janet. Thanks for sharing.
My husband of 41 yes constantly belittles, falsely accuses me of doing things that I never do. His words are hurtful and hateful toward me. He gets worse when he cheats on me, but I can never catch him at it. He has said manyntime how he wishes that I would divorce him. I tell him to go ahead and file. His first 2 wives divorced him. I found out that he broke his hand hitting his first wife., he hasn’t hit me yet, just hurtful attitude and words. It has become so bad that I am having health problems. I can’t leave. I have too many animals to take care of, and he has never taken care of them. I pray to God for help and comfort, God is the only way that I have been able to endure all of this. But I really would like some advice on how to handle him and how to keep my health. My friends think that he is a wonderful person. 8 can’t talk to them or family about it. Thanks for any advise or help.
Stay close to this community for support, M8ndi. We can pray for your safety, clarity and next steps to be revealed. Don’t allow the “I can’t” mindset limit you. Emotional abuse will take a toll on your health. Make sure you have a safety plan for yourself and begin to imagine what might be possible for you. Check out some of the other blogs about boundaries and detachment for more support.
Take it from me, anyone who is having relationship issues with their spouse should definitely buy Leslie’ s books.
She has been so instrumental in validating for me all the issues I have been dealing with for 35 years.
Emotional neglect is horrible, and very traumatic to live with.
My faith WILL get me through this (and Leslie’s guidance and encouragement).
Amen, Elizabeth! Thanks for responding.
We have been married for 44 yrs. My husband has accused me of cheating on him with men I worked with, with the neighboring men at a cottage I bought on a lake, he has lied about me and demeaned me and my family to other people. I have been accused of other things that I have never done. I have never cheated on him. He has lied to me many times , but lying is very hard to prove. I have forgiven him many times, over and over, because that is what I want to do. In the last year he has gotten better. I don’t know why. He never wants to talk about feelings. He never apologized for his accusations and when I caught him lying , he never apologized. I don’t trust him at all and feel very anxous being around him even tho things have gotten somewhat better. Feelings of bitterness and fear resurface alot. Then I feel guilty because maybe I didn’t forgive properly or as I should. Many other people think he is such a wonderful guy. His family always defends him even when he’s wrong or they laugh at his stupidity. I can so relate to to the lady in the question. I pray for her and everyone going threw this. My question is “does it mean that I still did not forgive after all this time? I feel tremendous quilt for the bitter feelings that seem to appear out of no where and not trusting him, and I try to forgive and i want to forgive.”