How Does One Balance Mercy and Stern Boundaries with Difficult People Who You Have to Interact With?
Merry Christmas friend,
I know for some of you this is a hard day, a hard season. You’re alone or with family who are fighting. But for a moment, I invite you to put that reality in the background and bring into focus what this season is truly about. God came into a dark, scary, sinful world to be with us. He is the light that shines in the darkness. He knows. He sees. My favorite Christmas passage isn’t one that is traditionally read. It’s in John 1:1-18. Here is just a taste.
So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. No one has ever seen God, but the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.
John 1:14,18
He has revealed God to us. He shows us what God is like. I love that. And we, dear friends, have the awesome privilege of doing the same for others. We as human beings have an opportunity to show others what God is like. That brings us into this week’s question.
Question: How does one balance having mercy with also having stern boundaries with difficult people who you have to interact with?
Answer: It’s especially hard to be merciful when someone’s hurt us or broken our trust. We worry that when we’re merciful, our mercy may be seen as a green light to violate our boundaries.
Recently in a sermon, my pastor defined the difference between mercy and grace. He said “Grace is getting what you don’t deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve.” Therefore, the question becomes how do we treat people not as they deserve but with mercy, and still have strong boundaries for our own self-stewardship?
Jesus was merciful and had strong boundaries and taught his disciples to do likewise. Let me give you just one example: In Matthew 10 Jesus is instructing his disciples as he sends them out among the people of Israel to announce that the Kingdom of Heaven is near. Jesus tells his disciples, “Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received.” Vs 8 (Be merciful – don’t treat people as they deserve). And, “If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave.” vs 14 (Don’t keep persisting with people who do not receive your mercy, take a break and leave).
Maybe you have a parent, an in-law, or an adult child who deserves everything negative he or she is reaping right now. Many of you know that my mother was not a good mother when I was growing up. She also was not a good mother or grandmother once we reached adulthood. She did not deserve her three children to be kind and merciful towards her when she became ill with lung cancer. Yet, that’s what we chose to do. Not because she deserved it but because that’s who we wanted to be. Being merciful is something God calls his followers to embrace. We are to love the unlovely, the broken, even our enemy. Yet this does not mean we throw caution to the wind or put ourselves in harm’s way. When we were merciful towards our mother, we still had boundaries around what we would do or wouldn’t do. Would tolerate or not tolerate. Yet, these boundaries came from a place of healthy self-stewardship, not from wanting to punish our mother.
Jesus told his disciples to be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves when interacting with difficult people (Matthew 10:16). What does that mean? Don’t be guilty of treating people harshly or retaliate against their evil with evil of your own. But he also warns us to be wise in the way we interact with people, especially when they have demonstrated that they are dangerous or have no integrity.
I thought the most helpful thing I could do is give you is some examples that are both strong and loving. But here’s the most important part. You may not always live or interact with these difficult people, but you will always live with yourself. Your husband, adult child, neighbor, boss, or aging parent may disapprove of your boundary or even your kindness. You can’t control that. The person who must approve of what you did or didn’t do, said, or didn’t say is you, and ultimately God.
Here are a few examples:
An adult child gets kicked out of a housing situation because of his foolish behavior. He has no place to live. He’s repeatedly been foolish with his choice of friends and how he spends his money. It’s Christmas. His parents decide to pay for 3 nights at a mid-price motel for him to have a safe, warm place to stay for a few days (merciful) until he can get registered for the homeless shelter (boundaries). He’s not happy, they feel sad but at peace with their actions.
An adult child refuses to allow you to come see the grandchildren for Christmas because of hurts and resentments that have not been forgiven. Mercy would buy and send the family Christmas gifts and write loving cards despite their treatment of you. Boundaries would be if they send them back unopened you don’t do it again.
An aging parent insists you visit for Christmas even though your brother (who sexually abused you as a child) will be there. You feel betrayed by him and invalidated by your parents who know what happened but never said anything but “forgive your brother”. Here are a few choices: “Mom and Dad, you know that I have decided seeing brother is not something I am willing to do until such time we have talked about what happened and I feel safe (boundary). I am willing to come visit at a time when my brother is not there (merciful).”
And….even with my brother -…I’m willing to have an honest, open conversation with him about what happened (merciful). I’m not willing to sit there and pretend everything is fine when it is not (boundary). Your parents may disapprove of your boundary and your brother may not be willing to talk. The “rightness” of your actions is not decided by other people. They may give you positive or negative feedback, but ultimately you are responsible to decide who you are and what you will or will not do.
Being merciful is hard. Boundaries are hard too. Both are important lessons in making and repairing relationships.
Friend, can you share some examples of being merciful with good boundaries so that others can learn from your experience?
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This is a such a good article!
Very wise, balanced, and a good model to follow as we seek to honour Christ in our relationships but also steward our own lives well. Thank you Leslie❤️
Such a great explanation of mercy and boundaries. So helpful thank you.
Thank you for addressing this issue, with which I’ve been wrestling. It’s hard to know the biblical balance and allowing others to be our barometer is often unhelpful.
I like that you said,, allowing others to be our barometer is unhelpful
I so appreciate how you love us/your sisters and teach us and pray for us to grow and to mature and flourish in Christ. Thank you 💞
Leslie, you are wise and trustworthy! Thank YOU for how YOU represent Christ on earth. And Merry Christmas to you! Peace …
This is a great explanation of Mercy & Boundaries
Many times we fail to set boundaries because of the teachings of Meecy
I counseled with Leslie quite a few years ago
The best counselor
What about when an adult child, fresh out of college, ignores God? He was brought up in an evangelical church since birth but during high school and college he fell away. He is borderline hostile when I bring up the topic of faith and the Lord. Do I stop? Do I keep trying? He says things like, “Don’t bring Jesus into this,” and it breaks my heart.
Nocole, it’s tough when our adult children step away from faith or other values and traditions we hold dear. But this is love – we let them make their own decisions. If he’s asked you not to talk about Jesus – that is his boundary. I would respect that if that were my child. Remember, you are not his Holy Spirit and only the Holy Spirit can convict of sin and one’s need for God. You continuing to violate his boundary is only irritating him. However in your hurt and frustration I wonder if your prayer life for him is being impacted. Remember, James tells us that the fervent prayers of a righteous person makes an impact. (James 4). What if you love him like the Prodigal father loved his son and pray like crazy for him. The father knew his son was being foolish and yet he still gave him his inheritance and let him go. And he knew his older son was being self-righteous and yet he loved him too.
I love this answer. My adult son and his wife asked me not to talk about Jesus or send my granddaughter Christian books for Christmas etc. so I respected his boundaries. And now without sharing with me I found out through my adult daughter that they are attending a very traditional church and have my granddaughter being part of the Christmas children’s programs. So I still don’t give him feedback and just pray. And say “great photos “ of my granddaughter! It’s a step and you are so right. I’m not his Holy Spirit. He is searching after years of attending church w/parents but not seeking Jesus for himself yet.
“You are not his Holy Spirit,” well said. Thank you for your godly wisdom.
SUCH a difficult topic. SO SO needed. Thank you, Leslie!!!
This Christmas, I sent my oldest adult son cash for a Christmas gifts with encouraging words.
I did the same for my younger two with an added gift and encouraging words.
The younger two thanked me for the money and gifts. No response to my words.
The oldest did not respond at all. I think this is the second time that I have sent the oldest cash on Christmas with no response. I was not sure but now I amRemembering more clearly. M
So next Christmas, I will not send any cash to the older son. At this point, my plan is to send encouraging words only to my oldest.
In the long run, this could be the case for all three of my adult sons who pretend like their father has not abused me or them. It could even mean eventually having no contact with any of them. At this point, really they only acknowledge my gifts and money. All of my other communication is dismissed as they have been taught to do by their. father.
It is walking a super thin line, and, if they continue to dismiss all my communication, then radical acceptance is that I must “dust my feet off”.
I think of the verses when God warns us that our family members will hate us…..also the verses that talk about the church body/other believers being our family.
I cannot express how thankful I am for God’s Word that gives us LIFE and next steps to take.
Leslie, THANK YOU for persistently pursuing God’s word to share with us to speak into our destructive relationships. It is a beautiful thing and His Word, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ is the answer. And He is using YOU to deliver that answer to do many of us.
I think I have already gone overboard/overfunctioned for all three of my sons.
Their and their father’s post divorce abuse has been a tightly tangled up ball of confusion!
I just kept thinking one of them would wake up, but I also know that they are choosing what seems to be much safer for them for now by avoiding their father’s wrath (if my sons were to treat me with respect)
I am writing this out for myself and for others who may be facing possible long term (until heaven?) no contact with adult children who pretend their abusive father’s false narratives are true.
Thank you so much for this answer Leslie! I am so very thankful that I do have a close relationship with my son, aside from discussing my Christian faith. I stepped back from talking about God when he began showing strong resistance, especially this past summer, but then have been feeling like I am being disobedient to God by not continuing to try to talk to him about it — like it means I’ve given up.
Thank you for helping me see that this a boundary for him right now. I will keep on “praying like crazy for him” and keep on loving him and being there for him where he is right now. Thank you for the reminder of the prodigal son’s father’s response to a wayward son and for the James 4 scripture reminder that I actually am doing something about it. There are so many godly women in my church small group who have wayward children. This answer is a blessing. Thank you again!
Nicole- this is so hard but more common than you may realize. Search the story of Pastor John Pipers prodigal son and the sons response to how John and his wife responded, in mercy, which ultimately helped turn their son back to the Lord. One of our children drifted away from the Lord (during college) I bought “The Power of Praying forYour Adult Child.” He has (unfortunately it took several years) turned back to the Lord. I felt my role was one of prayer when he had turned away from the Lord. Prayers for your son.
Thank you Leslie! It can be hard to understand how to put mercy, grace, and boundaries into practice, so these are really helpful.
Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful team❤️.
This Christmas was probably one of the roughest I have ever faced. After 10+years of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse coming from my spouse, I had to leave our home and seek respite with strong Christian friends. Practicing mercy towards him means praying for his complete healing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The boundary that I have had to set is that we cannot live under the same roof in order to actually think and behave in a merciful way towards him. God is working on me to establish healthy boundaries that I should have set a long time ago. So….thank you for this insightful blog!
Thank you so much, Leslie and you alll, fir uoyr wise words!
My 20 yr old twins and I made the 9 hr drive to WI this past week to visit my parents & extended family. My son wanted to drive but my daughter & I said no ( he has scared both of us from his reckless driving). He wasn’t happy but respected our decision. I was glad he still joined us, we all felt safe, and we had good conversation.during our travels. Also even though he was able to relax the whole drive I wasn’t bitter. Our safety was my priority since we didn’t have that in our home for years. My son wants to earn my trust again, but just hard as he really scared me with his driving.
I made a boundary with my sister when we were both adults (she was cursing and acting in a threatening manner towards me. I asked her to stop, and if she would not, I would need to leave. She did not stop and I left.) That was over a decade ago, and although we have tried to talk through things, she is still angry with me. My parents and other sibling tell me I need to apologize for “genuine wrongs” I have done against my sister. I still do not feel safe with her, and do not understand why my family believes I am in the wrong. It’s very hurtful.
I am not sure if this is a good example of using mercy and boundaries, but it is similar to one Leslie shared. The back story…..
My daughter and now son in law asked for my blessing to marry after knowing each other 5 months. I was not comfortable giving it so soon as there were red flags with her changed behaviors, isolation and distancing observed between her and her once close siblings since meeting him. We expressed our concerns but they forged ahead with their wedding plans, eventually creating false narratives and accusations (i.e. we “hated him”) to exclude us from the plans. We never got to know the man our daughter was marrying and he had no interest in knowing the family that she was once close to. She chose to “submit” to his “leadership” and increasingly deferred to him to speak for her, believing he needed to “protect her from her family” because of our concerns that she was allowing him to deconstruct her views about the value of family. He labeled me controlling even though he didn’t know me. The worst part is that my daughter allowed his disrespect and accusations, i think because she didnt want to consider the validity of her family’s concerns for her and the possibility that it could interfere with her getting what she wanted(marriage). She eventually sided 100% in deference to her fiance, believing that submission during the dating phase was biblical. We had always had a close relationship where she would ask my advice and we talked thru many things together. That ended when she met him. My attempts to reason with her and try to convey my perspective with questions only distanced her more from us. She eventually accused us of being divisive and uninvited me and two of her sisters from the wedding. In the months of grief that followed, i sent wedding gifts that were not acknowledged. I sent Christmas gifts that were. Then i have sent periodic brief texts and messages expressing love and missing her. She is hurt that i never embraced him into our family and has created many false accusations to support their victim narratives. Her sisters and i recognize how she has used these to avoid any responsibility in the way they achieved their own desires without consideration of the consequences they created for themselves. And she/he blames me for the damage done to her relationships and the fallout of their own decisions. It has been and continues to be heartbreaking to see her relationships with her sisters relegated to a superficial text on holidays, if she responds at all. My attempts to reach out with short superficial (she won’t respond to anything real or authentic) messages that i love and miss her have been met with silence at best…accusations of trying to “guilt her into relationship” at worst. I dont even recognize her anymore. Her sisters and i miss her horribly. But she may never consider how the way they pursued marriage was not as godly and biblical as they tell themselves.
Boundaries with mercy now look like me stewarding my own heart by not putting myself out there to be ignored, or falsely accused of all that is wrong in her relationships. After two years of her controlling minimal communication on her terms, her husband has decided to text me “Merry Christmas!” as if we have been regularly conversing. Though i have worked to move on with forgiveness, I am hesitant to respond in kind (with a motivation of “Christian goodwill” rooted in guilt) as it seems like i would be endorsing his desire for everything to be swept under the rug to simply grant superficial reconciliation. They have never been interested in actual conflict resolution through honest communication, but more like Jeremiah 8’s version of being granted “Peace, peace when there is no peace” because no one wants to acknowledge the deep wounds created by so many damaging words and choices.
I am thinking that a healthy boundary will not enable this desire for superficial peace by sweeping the hurt under the rug, but rather i should kindly express a desire for true peace and reconciliation without pretending that the damage had no impact on the people who love and miss our daughter. My hesitation is because i know i have been met with silence whenever desiring to go beneath the surface. So i figure i will just give the space and time that my daughter needs to figure out what she wants. I do not like being accused of guilting her into relationship……something i have never thought, much less done. My fear is that she will think i am giving up on her and am abandoning her. But i can’t control what she thinks thats for sure.
I am leaning toward being true to my own heart, what i have learned is healthy, and speaking the truth in love, regardless of the outcome. I have learned that honoring God while guarding my own heart does not always have the outcome i desire. Any thoughts and input would be welcome
Thanks to everyone for your examples. Leslie brought up a super pertinent Holiday topic, for sure :))
Thank you Leslie and team for these true life examples. It’s certainly a situation by situation discernment. As Allyn writes, I struggle with harsh treatment, estrangment, not permitted to see my grandchild, etc. Then, when the time is right for my son, he reaches out as though nothing happened. The harsh abusive words come by way of face to face. The apology comes by way of text or email and the situation never spoken of or resolved for me. I’m very guarded as this behavior has been cyclical. Trying to figure it out.
If you dont say Merry Christmas back to him, he will use that against you, as proof that you hate him. How do you know its not an Olive Branch ? Maybe its step 1. At least its something. And previously you said he was controlling, then later you said she was controlling. However, If she is submitting to her husband she is giving him all the control. Shes not being controlling. One text is not going to achieve complete reconciliation, and its probably not a realistic expectation to think you will get agreement from him about the way things happened. He has past issues you probably dont even know about. But he did reach out. Its up to you how you respond. You said you don’t know him well, so how do you know what issues he has with his own family that he might think every family has? Have you thought about sending a group text to your daughter and son-in-law, just saying Merry Christmas and I love you? He might not be able to go below the surface yet, and most people don’t see their own faults until the Holy Spirit reveals it to them. So like others said pray like crazy for your prodigals.
I so appreciate your wisdom and know that it comes from a place of your own personal experience. This is 3rd Christmas that my elderly father is alone due to the choices that he has made for the past 30 years that culminated into he and my mother getting divorced at 77 (mother) and 79 (him) due to his abusive behavior. She is still in his life as she’s the only person that he has and feels obligated to take care of him. He alienated my sister years ago, but I always tried to keep an open line of communication and help him until he became abusive with me…and tried to put my reputation (both personal and professional) in harm’s way. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camels’ back for me and I cut off contact with him. He constantly asks my Mom about me and my sister and thinks that he hasn’t done anything wrong (he is also an alcoholic and likely has undiagnosed personality disorders). He’s single handedly caused so much destruction and heartbreak in our family, but I still feel a certain amount of guilt knowing that he is alone. I pray for wisdom, but I haven’t felt God’s nudge for me to be in contact or a relationship with him. I definitely refer back to your teachings and examples of boundaries and remember that we can love people who repeatedly hurt us, but that we don’t have to be in relationship with them.
My husband has been instrumental in creating divisiveness with our there adult children against me (parental alienation) and I have not seen my oldest son and two grandchildren in 10 years, my youngest son in 5 years. For years I continued sending gifts to my sons and grandchildren and never received any acknowledgment that they received the gifts or cards, emails or texts. I finally stoped sending gifts and trying to communicate last Christmas. I do continue to pray for their salvation as I don’t believe they know the Lord. Their message to me was clear they wanted nothing to do with me. This is heartbreaking but I must accept their wishes and grief the loss. My husband continues to be in relationship with them and be part of their lives. I am getting older (68 years old) and my dilemma now is what do I do about an inheritance. I am struggling to finish my living trust because I don’t want to leave them an inheritance and reward their cruelty towards me by leaving them money. I would appreciate your godly advise on this subject as I value your wisdom.
Leslie- thank you so much for this well-timed post! My ex-husband texted me in anger in a threatening and unkind manner on Christmas Eve this week. I suspect he was drinking. Still discerning how to proceed with communicating with him moving forward, given his inappropriate behavior. We live in separate states, and I have full custody of our children, so contact is limited, thankfully.
I escaped an abusive marriage 2 years ago. My parents don’t believe me and at the time sided with my abuser. After processing my anger and hurt, I’ve decided to have mercy in that I continue to talk to them . I allowed them to stay in my home for Christmas. Boundaries are that I no longer share myself and ensure they have no personal knowledge of my life or personhood. They have chosen to relationally betray me, and the natural fallout is my distrust. They are not safe. One day they may apologize and believe me. I have accepted their sinful choice, and am at peace with speaking to them with dignity and respect because of who I want to be. God sees their betrayal the same as I do; I take comfort knowing that He too is grieved and angry that my parents, who are supposed to love me, instead have rejected the truth of my abuse, and thus rejected me.
Well explained with some practical , easy to follow examples. Thank you.
Thank you Leslie for posting this!
To the struggling parents and grandparents,
My story is:
I’m the daughter, who married an emotionally abusing H and lost any voice as I matured. I had false beliefs like submission to H, etc. And, my kids are the grandkids that didn’t always say thank you. I didn’t always respond the right way to love given, and regretfully sometimes I responded in a way I now know was so hurtful to my mom. She passed before I came to full understanding of the situation and had a chance to properly apologize to her. It took me about 30 years to mature and learn how to handle my situation. In those years, it felt like I was drowning and barely keeping my head above water. I had God, and He sustained me. I can’t wait to see my mom in heaven. I’m so thankful she is no longer hurting. She was a faithful prayer warrior who never stopped giving and expressing love. I am the grateful recipient. At her death, I learned many others had also received from her. selfless love and care.
For you: I hope my story encourages you to not give up hope and to keep patiently praying. Also, I want to encourage you to allow your kids and grandkids to be the recipient of your love, like me or Leslie’s mom…IF you can do so with healthy boundaries (like Leslie did for her mom). Your reward is in heaven,, as Jesus taught (“lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven”). And remember that now,, like happened to my mom, we only see “in part” (1 Cor. 3:12)
I raised two children who moved out in 2004 and 2005. Then we adopted them 3 girls from Uzbekistan who were siblings at ages 9, 12, and 15 in 2008. It became a soul crushing experience—especially with the 15 year old who was a very angry and aggressive young lady. The two older girls ran away from home both when they became 19 and the younger one was more compliant and seemingly better adjusted and married at 22. She moved across the United States and in retrospect has decided she was unhappy in our home . She let me know when she stayed for a month this past summer in our house on their vacation and was criticizing me for things like asking her to help drive her nieces to Head Start in the morning on the days I was working when she lived in their neighborhood to help her middle sister as I was trying to help her divorce a very abusive man. She also felt angry that she had to watch me take care of my two dying parents who were both in very abusive relationships so it was quite difficult. I didn’t ask her to lift a finger to help or listen. It was just too much negativity for her. My two biological children had also turned on me at different times recently and I felt betrayed. It was the first time that had happened. My husband had a relapse as well. It has been quite challenging, but I have decided to show hospitality and kindness, but share nothing personal. She visited and stayed with us for week after the holidays. I felt a victory that I kept the conversation light and careful. I’ve decided to let Jesus be my judge and not worry if I don’t please people. I tried my best and that’s all I can do. It’s really hard not to be offended, but not worth the stress.