How Do You Balance Mercy With Strong Boundaries?
Morning friends,
I’ve been pondering a spiritual term I’d love to hear your thoughts on. As you read the Scriptures, how would you define the kingdom of God? For example, when Jesus tells us that the kingdom of God is near (Luke 17:20,21) what does that mean to you? When he says “seek the kingdom of God above all else (Matthew 6:33), how would you define or describe the Kingdom of God? Or even “the kingdom of God is like……a mustard seed, a hidden treasure, a small amount of yeast”. I have some thoughts but would love to hear yours.
Question: How does one balance mercy and stern boundaries with difficult people with whom you must interact?
Answer: Great question. I think it would be helpful to define the qualities of mercy so that we are clear about what we are balancing. Embodying biblical mercy is extending compassion, generosity, and kindness, especially to those we feel do not deserve it and/or to those who have harmed us. Being merciful is expressing patience and forbearance for difficult people who may not know better or be capable of better, as God has shown patience with us.
Being merciful is choosing not to punish the offender when it’s in your power to do so. For example, you chose not to press charges against someone who has stolen money from you. That does not mean removing the natural consequences of his or her actions. You may choose not to allow that person to be in your home or you may fire that person if he or she is an employee. But when you exercise mercy, you do not demand justice or punishment.
God calls us to be merciful as he is merciful (Luke 6:36). However, being merciful does not mean you have no boundaries or limitations. God is limitless and all-powerful. We as human beings are not. Therefore, to love ourselves and others well, we must seek to act both in our and the other’s long-term best interests.
Let’s get practical with what that might look like. Let’s say you have elderly parents who are critical and demanding. They have never shown much love or appreciation for you. They regularly complain to other relatives that you do not help them enough and those relatives are critical and gossip about your lack of care for your elderly parents. It would be tempting to defend yourself to these critical relatives. To tell equally negative stories about your parents to them. Or to stop helping your parents because it’s never good enough and you’re feeling resentful and angry over the way they have treated you.
Yet, what would mercy with firm boundaries look like with your parents? Only you can ultimately answer that question but here are a few ideas. First, you can pray for them. Prayer is costly. It takes one of our most valuable commodities, – our time. It’s a generous and compassionate thing to pray for someone who feels like an enemy, but that is something you could do to be merciful. In your time of prayer for them, you could also ask God to give you a compassionate heart for their blindness and immaturity. To help you be the person you want to be when you interact with them. Even when they repay your kindness with indifference, criticism, or evil, you don’t give them the power to shape you into someone you don’t like.
Second, you decide what you can do and what you can’t do (boundaries). What you can give what you can’t give (boundaries). What you will tolerate, what you won’t tolerate (boundaries). This is not anything you will communicate directly with them because they’ve already shown you that they don’t care to respect you or your boundaries. Defining your boundaries helps you get clear so that you don’t get trapped or manipulated to do or give more than you are able to do graciously. Let me give you some examples of boundaries for myself when I first began to help my sick mother after not speaking with her for 15 years.
When I flew down to Florida to see her, I decided I wanted to be a godly example to her. I wanted to show her love in small acts of kindness. I didn’t expect her to apologize to me, to love me, show appreciation, kindness, or even acknowledge I did anything good for her. My goal was to be the woman God called me to be, loving and merciful whether she noticed or not. Whether she appreciated it or not. Whether we had a relationship or not.
The first time I saw her after all this time she was in intensive care. A hospital room was a safe first meeting place because she was sick and harmless. Here’s what I did. I rubbed her crusty feet with lotion. I combed her dirty hair. I cut her ragged fingernails and put lip balm on her parched lips. (Merciful acts I was willing to do). When she made a few negative comments, I ignored her. (I wasn’t willing to argue, defend, explain, or justify). I prayed for strength as I practiced showing her who Jesus was with no words. When I got weary, I calmly said, to her “It’s time for me to go” and I’ll see you tomorrow. She didn’t get to manipulate me or guilt trip me into staying longer than I decided. (Boundary). If she told me she wanted me to leave, I left, with no argument. (I would respect her boundaries). The kinder and stronger I became, the less power she had over me.
God tells us he is compassionate and kind to the righteous and unrighteous alike (Matthew 5:45). But he doesn’t have a close relationship with both. It’s critical that you accept that being merciful towards someone does not guarantee a good relationship with that person. It is something you do because you choose to be more like Jesus. It doesn’t mean you’re going to allow that person to harm you again. Or that the person will see you in a new light. It doesn’t necessarily bring someone to change destructive ways, although it could. But that’s not why we do it. We do it because that’s who we want to be regardless of how others are or what they do or think or don’t do. We don’t do it to manipulate others. We don’t do it to get them to like us. We do it to be like Christ. And Christ had love and limits.
That’s the beautiful thing about being a mature grownup. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be and how you want to treat people, even when they are unkind or destructive towards you. Remember, that doesn’t mean you enable someone to continue to sin against you. Even Jesus escaped those who were trying to harm him (Luke 4:28-30; John 10:39). But it does mean you don’t treat people as they deserve. You treat them as image bearers of God, which is exactly who they are, even though they are broken and damaged through their own sinful destructive choices.
Friend, I’d love to continue the conversation since so many of you interact with destructive and toxic people. How do you show mercy with good boundaries?
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I needed this reminder today, as I struggle with how to find that balance. God knew what I needed to hear and He provided, as always. Thank you!
When my son puts me down, I have learned that not commenting on his negative behavior and walking away brings me peace. And it is more effective than trying to teach him to be respectful because it is the confrontation that he is looking for.
Great wisdom.
The criticism and lack of acknowledgment of the good things I did for him was daily.I was not able to be numb,it hurt.
When I implemented boundaries it all became worse with no change. The only time I can care for myself is when I am absent from him.
I pray for him ,feel sorry for him.He can not accept my gifts of love without instructing ,complaining ,criticizing them.
The worse part is that my gifts of love are never enough he is angry that there are not more.
Separation did not end his ability to control me. I am not a victim. I should be able to tell him no it’s just a constant constant request.
This along with the threat of physical abuse, and continued hurtful comments causes me to want to go no contact.
Is it wrong of me to abandon this man and my wedding vows, I feel sorry for him. He is extremely disabled.He will not Change.
Linda, I think you will have to make that hard decision, but before you decide to leave him and your vows, what if you had firm boundaries for yourself. You said “When I implemented boundaries it all became worse with no change. The only time I can care for myself is when I am absent from him? Yet you say he is extremely disabled.
So my question for you is what power does he hold over you that you cannot get a break? Cannot care for yourself? Cannot leave the room, put ear plugs in your ears, cannot call a friend, go out for a walk? What would happen if you did care for you, even if you still made efforts to care for him? He may not like it, but he doesn’t like much of anything right now. Do you need his approval for you to be okay with your boundaries? Friend, you are a grown woman. He doesn’t get to decide for you what you need to do to take care of you. He may not like it, but you get to decide what you need to be healthy and strong. What keeps you from doing that?
Excellent Biblical wisdom with:
*very clear explanations
*definitions, and distinctive
descriptions of what merciful/mercy
is and is not
*real life practical applications
*boundaries described, using specific
terms, for example: stern boundaries
*God used Leslie Vernick’s article in
my life to reveal and personally
convict me of errors in my thinking,
my motives and my understanding!
I’m 71 and still becoming a mature
Christ following adult!
☆Thank you, Leslie.
My mom, husband & father in law are all dealing with health issues & all can be critical & demanding of me. When my mom & fil are this way, I keep my distance for several days – except for emergencies. When my husband is cranky, I take a lot of walks with my dogs or just get out of the house & talk to the Lord. It’s a difficult season, but I am staying in His word & prayer & this helps.
Thanks Sara for sharing. It’s hard not to allow their negativity to infect us. That’s why we do need our boundaries even when we want to show compassion and mercy and love.
Thanks Barbara.
My mother was a good woman, but we had our issues, and it was difficult to be with her for more than a few days. So, when she decided come visit us for two weeks (yikes!) I went to my counselor with a cry for help. He helped me through a process of forgiving my mother and creating a boundary with her. This completely changed the dynamic in our relationship, and I didn’t need to say a word to her about it. All of my trigger points were disconnected. It was wonderful.
You asked us to share on our understanding of the kingdom of God. The reality of the kingdom of God is that it is a realm in which God can do whatever He wants to do. In other words His people are fully one with Him and He is their king, enthroned in their hearts. However, there is also the “appearance” of the kingdom, which is what the Lord was referring to in some of the examples, like the mustard seed growing into a great tree, which is abnormal, and the birds nesting there are examples of evil. This is a false representation of the kingdom. What our hearts long for is the reality of God’s kingdom, that He would reign from within us, and we express Him in our daily living, which is what this fellowship is about.
JoAnne, thanks for sharing that when you changed and stopped getting triggered or activated by your mother – things changed. That truth can be so powerful because so often we keep trying to get the other person to change – stop triggering me, start respecting my boundaries, love me, stop hurting me. But we know we have no power to change the other, but when we change, the relationship changes and you saw that first hand.
Just to clarify….”…. When we change, the relationship changes.” I’ve seen this thought expressed so many times.
What I struggle with is: I can attend to my personal growth. I can stop trying and hoping that my husband will choose self-awareness, personal growth, or working toward having a healthy relationship with me.
He’s said “ no” to every invitation.
Other than removing myself from the relationship ( common difficulties: gave up career and financial independence to raise the kids, one of whom has serious health issues; after multiple serious health issues of my own, a full time job isn’t possible)….
How does any of my work of personal growth “ change the relationship “?
I see my growth as clarifying the relationship, illustrating how unhealthy the relationship has been for me; but I see no change in the relationship itself.
I can’t be the whole of the relationship, I can only be 50% ( not for lack of trying for decades).
I can invite, but I can’t influence my husbands’ thoughts, feelings, behaviors, stories he tells himself about me, expectations, projections and denials of his behaviors, the way he acts towards me, etc.
My boundaries, growth, and choices definitely affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings, but they have no effect on him. Other than to perhaps increase his demands that “ we go back to how it used to be” ( all about his wants, me people pleasing and serving everyone, etc)
So other than my perspectives, goals, and personal growth affecting my mental and emotional health: how is the relationship changing in any good way?
Lily, what I mean “the relationship changes” is that when you stop waiting for him to change, and you tend to your own life, growth, healing, and gifts, the relationship does not stay exactly the same. As you get stronger something changes in the relationship. SOmetimes for the better as he notices your not “waiting’ anymore for him to wake up and change. You’re going about your life. You’re living. Your happy in life (not in marriage, but in life) and you are not clinging to the hope that he’s going to change, he begins to want some of that new growth too. He feels less “attacked or shamed” by your unhappiness and perhaps want to do some growing himself. However, more often than not, he gets threatened by your independence, your growth, your forward momentum and the relationship actually gets worse. But then that clarifies things for you doesn’t it? You are no longer stuck in limbo and uncertainity. He’s telling you that he wants you to stay as unhealthy as he is and when you don’t/won’t. then what?. You said it – your chnage increased his demands that you stop changing and go back to catering to him. What does that say to you? The relationship has changed hasn’t it. You’re no longer willing to do that. When I say change, I don’t mean change for the better, but when one part of an unhealthy dynamic begins to change her dance steps, the other part can no longer keep stepping on your toes when you dance differently.
Brilliant
Wow thank you Leslie for sharing your heart. I’ve heard you share your growing up years and relationship with your mother many times in past podcasts. I’m so sorry this happened but see the beautiful person you’ve become through such deep pain. You have helped me to process my own pain with my mom and others. I know I am at a place of continual surrender to the Lord(after I first want to analyze and find the answer to make things ok.) He has given me such a beautiful desire to let go and trust Him. Oh such a refreshing and good medicine for my soul! I’m seeing His work in transforming me and boy do I love the freedom it brings. I’m discovering rest that I never knew. was possible. Thank you Leslie. I truly love you and your team for pouring out you’re very lives so I and others could become overcomers and live more and more in this beautiful freedom that our Maker and Sustainer Jesus Christ has given for us because of His surrender to His Father’s plan of redemption.for mankind. I’m thankful He has given me this desire to hunger and thirst for more. God bless you my dear friend and advocate. So grateful for your love and instruction and helping to make know to me what He has shown to you. I have taken the baton and running my race to finish with God’s Words to me, “well done.”Oh what a day it will be to see Him face to face.
Thanks Kay, I’m so glad God is giving you the peace and rest that he alone can give us. Sometimes what we think is poison becomes good medicine isn’t it?
Leslie- thank you SO much for this beautiful post! I was struck with something amazing about God and His mysterious ways. You suffered great abuse and heartache at the hands of your mother, yet God intended all of it—not only for your own good— but for the good of so, so many women here and their families. It is truly amazing what God can do when we surrender to Him!
To recognize Jesus in those people who are most difficult, as they all are made in His image.- that is certainly what Jesus is asking of each of us. It is the most difficult thing, yet this is how we love like Jesus. I cannot fathom a more beautiful way to honor Jesus. For me, this is the kingdom of Heaven- to love others in the way that Christ loved people during His time on earth.
Thanks Kate. I think you’re right and it’s impossible in our flesh, but with God all things are possible.
I love your response, it’s very encouraging and inspiring!
Thank you Leslie for sharing!!! Encouragement !!
You’re so welcome Pamela
Thank you for the opportunity to ponder on you questions Leslie
I am born in Denmark – a kingdom that is more than a thousand years old. I am a Danish citizen from birth
NOT because I chose it!
I just am – whether I like it or not, whether I want to be or not.
I neither met the queen nor know king Frederik personally. We do not at all have any personal relationship with each other.
Define the kingdom of God
The situation and circumstances are VERY different according to the King of Kings and the Kingdom of God!
Requirement:
We have to chose…..
Both John the Baptist says Matt.32 “REPENT, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”
and Jesus in Matt 4 17 From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “REPENT, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. (Emphasize mine)
Why? – Because the King of Kings wants a very personal and meaningful relationship with us who is created in His image. He has paid a very high price to help us to become citizens in the Kingdom of God.
The Kingdom af God is NEAR
– BUT to enter the Kingdom of God we human beings have to choose …
1) to admit that we are sinners – fallen short of His glory
2) to REPENT – from sin
3) to accept Jesus as the King of His Kingdom and our Savior and Redeemer
John 1:12 Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God
4) to follow in His footsteps as our Lord and Master
5) to be born of water and the Spirit.
John 3: Jesus told Nicodemus: “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” Nicodemus asked: “How can a man be born when he is old? Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!”
Jesus answered, “I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit
… before we can be citizens in the Kingdom of God.
And then
6) seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matt. 6:33
Define the kingdom of God
In the Kingdom of God Jesus is sovereign King and Ruler
– He sits at the right hand of the Father – the Almighty and Sovereign Deity
and together they rule the Kingdom of Heaven. And there is clear guidelines / laws written down to us in the world’s oldest book – the Bible
The King of Kings reigns according to laws which are loving, functional, constructive, creative, healthy, fair and caring – outlined in e.g Matthew chapter 5
a mustard seed:
– could be a picture of many of us feeling we are of (very) little worth but living in the Kingdom of God He will help us grow according to His will and plan for us
a small amount of yeast:
– could be a picture of even though we maybe think that what we do – makes no difference. It does if we have chosen to live in the kingdom of God and allowed Jesus to be our King and Master
a hidden treasure:
If we chose to let Jesus be our King He clearly tells us that following Him means we shall expect being in war and there will be losses to mourn but He will turn them into hidden treasures – if we allow Him
blessings
Elisabeth
Thank you so much !! This was very clear guidance.
Be who I want to be not based on other’s reactions.