How Do I Accept He Won’t Be Honest?
Morning friend,
If you live near the Phoenix, AZ area, I’d encourage you to attend the Restore Conference, February 7,8,9. It’s going to be amazing teaching, especially around spiritual and religious abuse. If you attend, please come up and say hi. I’d love to meet you.
Question: Please help me figure this out. I am so confused, and my husband is trying to make me feel like I am wrong for feeling this way. He had an affair two years ago. He never confessed anything, I never got closure or full disclosure. He “explained away” everything I caught him in (i.e. explicit pictures, love letters/notes, never gave up his phone or GPS for transparency) and continued seeing his affair partner after discovery.
I have no idea the last time he talked to her and ended it. He was forced to resign from his job due to other misconduct allegations unrelated to his affair because I never filed a complaint. I mention this because that was another betrayal I endured during the affair because I truly had no idea what he was doing at work either. I handled the whole thing so wrong. While I didn't trust him, and he wasn't being trustworthy nor trying to rebuild trust I continued to have sex with him and do all the things that would make him feel loved and cared for. I over-functioned, scheduled all the counseling, tried to get us into support groups for infidelity, all the while trying to keep our household afloat with 4 kids. Not to mention I was 5 months postpartum, still nursing when I found out.
I tried for a year and a half, giving him full access to me begging him for an emotional connection and some truth to start rebuilding our trust. I did not and still don't trust him at all. I cannot prove that he's doing anything but I just feel so unsafe with him emotionally and psychologically.
Now, where he makes me feel unreasonable is that after a year and a half of full access to me and over-functioning, I finally told him that I would no longer participate in a one-sided marriage. That I cannot continue having sex with him until our marriage has safety and trust. And now 3 months after I told him that his anger is out of control. I am willing to work this out but I cannot be intimate with him until I feel safe and cared for. He says that now it's one-sided and that he can't put into this marriage unless I put in also.
There is just so much I couldn't even fit in here but I'm hoping you can help me see what I am not seeing. Right now I want to focus on my and my kids' emotional and psychological health.
Answer: I wish I could reach through internet space and give you a big hug. I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through and the indifference and selfishness your husband has shown you.
You asked for help to figure this out, but it seems you’ve figured it out for yourself. The problem you’re now having is accepting the hard reality before you and what to do next.
The kind of marriage you want, with mutual care, safety, and trust, requires both people in the marriage to be relatively healthy. First, let’s define briefly what a healthy sinner looks like versus an unhealthy one.
Healthy Sinner – Admits when he/she does wrong.
- Demonstrates care for the impact he/she caused the other.
- Accepts responsibility to make amends and puts in the time and energy to repair the relationship
- Does what’s necessary (including counseling and outside support) to change and not repeat that behavior where possible.
Unhealthy Sinner – Deflects, blames, gaslights, or lies when he or she does wrong.
- Expects amnesty, forgiveness, and no consequences for harm done.
- Repeats destructive behaviors again and again.
- Little or no empathy for the pain they have caused the other person.
When you look at these two types of sinners, where do you see your husband?
From what you’ve described, your husband believes he’s entitled to have you care for his needs and feelings, but he doesn’t have to care about yours. And, for a time you believed that too. You were so scared about losing your marriage that you over-functioned as “the good wife” to your and your husband’s detriment. When you began to wake up and get a bit healthier and ask for more mutuality, accountability, and honesty in your marriage, he balked.
Dear one, he’s showing you something important but extremely painful to accept. He’s showing you that he doesn’t want to be honest with you. He doesn’t want to be responsible or accountable to you as a partner for any of his choices. He doesn’t want to hear nor care about your need for safety and trust. What he wants is for you to function as a robot. Shut up, don’t ask questions, be happy, take care of the kids, be nice to him, and have sex when he wants. You did that for a while, but you and I both know that is not a role God asks you to play as a wife. It’s unhealthy for you and for your marriage. You are a person, not a robot.
To be clear: You are not “wrong” for refusing to play the role he’s assigned to you. You are not “wrong” for desiring honesty, safety, trust, and mutuality in marriage. The question you must now ask yourself is this: Are you going to get those things from him? He’s shown you the answer both in his words and actions. No. Now what?
I’m going to be giving a free webinar on February 13, “I’m not OK when he’s not OK”, and I highly encourage you to sign up and attend. It will give you some direction on how to figure out what to do with “your problem”. You see, your problem is your husband does not want to change and become the man you want. Therefore, you have a problem of your own to work on. What do you do now? Can you live in peace with a man who lies to you, doesn’t care about you, and uses you to meet his own needs but dismisses your needs? You’ve tried that. You know it does not work, at least not for you.
My advice is to take your focus off of him right now and put it on your own safety and growth. Ask yourself what do you need to do (or change) to feel safe while living with him in this relationship. You’ve already set some new boundaries to do that. Good for you. Anything else? He has demonstrated that he does not care about your needs or feelings. But you are learning that you must care about you, even if he doesn’t. As you do that now, he’s trying to make you feel guilty. Implying self-stewardship is selfish and ungodly.
Here is where you must continue to grow internally stronger and more God-centered vs husband or marriage-centered. Healthy people live in truth even when it’s ugly. Your spouse is trying to get you go to back to your fawning, unhealthy people pleasing ways so he doesn’t have to feel the sting of your boundaries. Love isn’t all sugar and sunshine. Sometimes love is tough. Love speaks the truth. Love does not enable bad, sinful behavior to continue where possible.
As you get strong enough to speak the truth in love, you might say something like:
“I love you. I want our marriage to work, but the way it is not only toxic for me, it’s unhealthy for you and not God-honoring. I love you too much to pretend that the way things were, was okay. It was destructive for you and for me to behave as if what you did didn’t harm me or our marriage.
You have choices to make as to what kind of man/husband you want to be through this. But I will not continue to do life with a man who lies, cheats, won’t be responsible or accountable for the harm he has caused and wants me to act like everything is fine.”
Facing truth and reality is often much harder than living a lie. He may prefer to stay self-deceived rather than truly look at himself and the impact his actions have had on his own character and on your relationship. And, if and when you take this step, you must be prepared for the possibility that he will discard you and seek another unhealthy woman who will play that role.
There are no easy answers. Both directions are hard. But one way is unhealthy and destructive hard. The other is moving towards healthy truth hard. You get to choose which direction you move. Choose life.
Friend: When you come up against hard reality, how do you move through it with courage and faith rather than stay stuck in hopium and false promises?
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Navigating Emotional Detachment: Is It Healthy to Hold On?
Hello, Dear Ones! I love March—it’s the only month with a built-in command: move! Something about this time of year stirs momentum, calling us out of the stillness of winter and into new rhythms, clarity, and steps forward. The days grow longer, the world starts waking up, and maybe—just maybe—it’s time for us to do…
Leslie, what clarity!
First, hugs and prayers to the woman who wrote the question ❤️
“Healthy people live in truth even when it’s ugly.”
That’s really been the core realization for me. I ( like many others) committed my life to creating beauty in my relationships, work, and home.
To realize that my “closest” relationship is not based in beauty, but in “ ugliness”, regardless of anything I do, or how many years I keep “ trying”, is a harsh reality.
But I am finally moving through it, rather than being stuck in it, by learning from wise others, reading, praying, journaling and reviewing older journals ( and seeing that I have changed, but that my husband hasn’t chosen to grow, only to keep pressuring me to go back into the” people pleaser” mold)…every way I can.
Over the past 5 or so years, I have attempted to communicate with my husband using the methods described in your book, to share the necessary elements of a healthy relationship. I also have had many experiences of setting boundaries, requesting personal responsibility from my H, hearing “ no”, and being pressured to act as if his actions ( which he consistently denies, even seconds after they happen; or if unable to deny, he blames me for his actions) have not hurt me or damaged our relationship.
My follow up question:
How do I decide when to say ( or in my case, write, since H seems unable to actually hear or accurately retain any words I verbally say):
“I will not continue to do life with a man who won’t be responsible or accountable for the harm he has caused and wants me to act like everything is fine.”
I see that H has a choice to make, and that you’re not suggesting saying he has to change, but that it’s up to him. So a boundary, not an ultimatum ( although I imagine H would interpret it as one).
While I have no emotional safety or connection in my marriage, I am not now in physical danger; it seems unwise to risk my and my child’s financial safety ( including complex medical care), as long as my H is behaving moderately well, and working, even if there is no closeness. But this isn’t the marriage that I worked for or wanted.
Another factor is my husband’s overuse of alcohol and conflicting medications, which seem to be causing significant health problems and cognitive impairment. I’ve expressed my concerns, with empathy and compassion. But I’m not willing to spend the rest of my life trying to convince him of facts and experiences while he is intentionally and consciously damaging his brain and the rest of his body, refusing legitimate medical help, and denying his behaviors.
I’m willing to try talking again, and I no longer feel it’s my responsibility to “ people please” or manage his emotions or reactions, but where is the” line”?
When is it wise to speak up, and say “I can’t stay in this marriage unless it changes” or to be more direct:” I can’t stay in this marriage unless you choose to make changes”?
Or when is it better to keep quietly working toward my own mental growth and health, and financial wellbeing, while being as kind as I can?
I appreciate you, your staff, and your readers! Blessings to all!
It seems as though there is active addiction. I personally believe that where there is active addiction it is nearly impossible for a healthy relationship. It’s like an elephant in a living room and he keeps taking a dump and we keep focusing on the “dump” when the elephant has to be removed. Now you can focus on the dump and clean it up. Or there’s an elephant in the living room and everyone’s pretending there isn’t.
I have been in this holding pattern for over 20 years. AND the 20 years before that I worked to repair/forgive the first discovery period. Yes; 40 years of severe mental anguish. I did this to myself! I should have started a new life so many times over 4 decades, but just kept reeling and swimming. I think I have PTSD. Its been 3 years since I found secret/inappropriate communication with women & porn/ masterbation. I’ve been on several meds to keep from raging
They aren’t helping. I just retired & feel trapped… but angry that I allowed him to kill my loving/happy personality. I’ve become a extremely reclusive & mentally unstable. Don’t do this to yourself. Just leave. He might change then.
I am praying 🙏 for you two. Tears for the pain & anguish. I filed for divorce recently after 35yrs of mental, psychological, emotional abuse. I still look for a crumb, I still think my speaking truth will make a difference but after almost 4decades of this you’d think I’d get it. Only thru Christ Jesus will we heal & see God has great plans for us but abuse was never His plan
I have been in this holding pattern for over 20 years. AND the 20 years before that I worked to repair/forgive the first discovery period. Yes; 40 years of severe mental anguish. I did this to myself! I should have started a new life so many times over 4 decades, but just kept reeling and swimming. I think I have PTSD. Its been 3 years since I found secret/inappropriate communication with women & porn/ masterbation. I’ve been on several meds to keep from raging
They aren’t helping. I just retired & feel trapped… but angry that I allowed him to kill my loving/happy personality. I’ve become a extremely reclusive & mentally unstable. Don’t do this to yourself. Just leave. He might change then.
I’m so sorry Cindy Lou 😔 40 years. God be with you in a tangible way, even today 🙏🏽
Oh, Cindy Lou! I am so sorry for what you have been through. But what now? What are you willing to do to get unstuck? What is keeping you there? Have you read Leslie’s book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”? Or the one by Dr. Ramona Probasco, “Healing Well and Living Free from an Abusive Marriage”? Both of those books will help you to be able to make some “first steps” out of this abusive relationship. Prayers for you, Dear One.
I’ve not been a part of Leslie’s program, but I’ve read her books and listened to the podcast. This may be a time to stay well for the sake of medical care for your child while you find another way to provide. Or maybe reach out to a lawyer since the child should be cared for financially by the parent. A lawyer would know how your state would handle this. I’m so very sorry. I’m praying for wisdom for you and for God to speak so clearly as to how you are to walk in this very hard time. God sees, and He cares. And this is wrong.
Also living in Grace, I wanted to add… Looking at old journals and even old text messages to my best friend has been illuminating and sobering like you. I realize that many times throughout my marriage where I even voiced or wrote that I see he’s not doing the work. But I kept glossing over it, kept hoping that love would overcome all. I would say I’ve already done that and it’s only been since New Year’s Day. For you I would say the time is now but only God can direct you.
Every woman knows when she’s not just done, ..but done done.
Living in Grace,
To answer your question, you simply need to ask the Lord to make you clear, in His time and His way. He is faithful, and it matters to Him concerning you.
I suggest you read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He addresses alcoholism. I have been in Conquer, for 2 years in the past. Leslie teaches that we must take care of ourselves. She asks: can you stay and be healthy enough in all ways while you work toward your mental growth and health and financial wellbeing? Or will you end up physically sick? Mentally sick? etc.
The main thing that stood out to me is the medications and health issues he is having. I talked to a lawyer about divorce and he told me until the divorce is finalized (which can take months to years) you will be responsible for alimony to him if something happens to him and he cannot work. That may not be the case in your state, it that would concern me if and when you feel it is time to leave.
Living in Grace and original poster..
I send virtual hugs to both of you as well ❤️ this is a really, really hard thing to go through. I am there as well. Facing reality is what I was trying to work through yesterday. The grief is unbearable sometimes!
The original poster has definitely got to get out for a personal safety. It sounds like a dangerous situation and personal safety comes before everything!
Living in Grace. I’m with you. 55 years old, not financially ready to live on my own, but we are currently in an in-house separation that I initiated due to chronic lying for years with a recent reveal New Year’s Eve and trickle truths ever since.
Reality is very, very hard to face and I’m still working through it. Like most women here, I’m sure I have done everything in my power to keep this 33-year marriage and family healthy, loving and spiritual. But I just can’t do it alone anymore.
God help us all 😇
And here’s my struggle, that is so common to so many women in this situation…how do you handle/navigate the immense pain of others falling for his deception and unwillingness to take responsibility while blaming you for not being loving enough…especially your own kids…on top of the already crushing pain of accepting the incomprehensible life and identity altering truth of who you committed your whole being to? How do you navigate all that crushing pain, be strong for your kids, go to work and on top of that…put a smile on your face…in the face of loosing everything you hoped, dreamed and worked for?
April, *everything* you said in your post resonates with me. The soul-crushing heartbreak almost seems unbearable at times! I have no answers as I am currently in the thick of what you just described…YET, Jesus Christ has been the ANCHOR that has helped calm & steady me amidst these awful storms. He has been the only reason why I haven’t given up on myself. The only thing that has kept me going is telling Him daily that I have to have His presence in my life and hear from Him…asking Him to give me wisdom & guidance for each next step. I pray for all of us going through this…it is certainly not the way God designed marriage to me. Life is too short for their destructive foolishness…💔🙏🏻
Lily C
Beautiful words.
I have found no human being that can say the right thing.
ONLY the Father, Son and Holy Spirit can handle this amount of grief on one woman.
I am 3 years post divorce, 4 years post separation…. and the ex has turned our 3 adult sons (to whom I was beautifully connected) against me.
For me, it is starting all over, at age 55….one day at a time, one step at a time. I am so so so thankful for how many times God has grabbed my right hand and pulled me out of the pit🙏🏼♥️
And to all of you beautiful women in the thick of it, listen to Gods nudging for your next steps 💕♥️. YOU deserve better and God will give you the strength (“renew your strength” Is 40:29-21)so that you can protect yourself and your children’s basic rights to freedom.
Its like God used your comment to touch me! Its really hard to transition to next steps, fear, sadness, anger etc. 🙁
I’ve listened to Leslie address these sad, frustrating marital situations for several years. One of her stronger messages has turned out to be that women are not wise to allow themselves to sit be totally dependent on their spouses. And that’s a sad statement, but the truth can be hard. I was a stay at home mom, raised and homeschooled six kids. There were SO many times over those long years when I was broken with my husband’s behavior and wanted to leave the marriage. I had a college education but I’d been out of the workplace for too many years. I was forced to stay in marriage because I could not financially leave, and it was apparent that I would be the one caring for the kids. .It made me feel powerless to create changes that were beneficial for my own well-being. Leslie is now very open with that message. Women are wise to have the assurance that they can provide for themselves financially if their husbands are not keeping the vows and covenant of marriage .
Dear ‘confused poster”.
Although our situations are a little different, I think many of us understand and sympathize with your situation. After my husband’s affair was discovered, he left a few weeks later to live with the affair partner. I researched and found many Christian websites giving advice on how to ‘stand’ for your marriage with love, kindness, acceptance and lots of grace. I did ALL those things and after a year, he did come home; however (and this is a big HOWEVER), he had not really changed; he just liked the attention. We had fun for awhile, but there was still real life to contend with and he went back to old patterns. When I finally told him 6 months later with tears in my eyes that I needed him…that I couldn’t hold all this together myself, he literally froze. He did not offer comfort or acknowledgement that he even heard me. He left a couple of days later and went back to the very unhealthy woman who actually let him come back.
You see, some men might change when faced with love and boundaries, but others will not. They only want the relationship as long as they are catered to, patronized and don’t have to offer anything of themselves. Believe it or not, after my husband left the second time I still tried to ‘stand’ for my marriage. After a few months of self work and prayer, I finally realized that some men are so broken, they don’t know HOW to offer themselves and never will, so I let go.
Because of your family situation you may not be able to leave physically leave, but I believe Leslie has videos on how to let go emotionally while having to stay.
I went through the same thing with constant denial on his part. My therapist said I was in denial. I felt if I tried harder, it would make him love me. What happened in those 27years was I became very codependent. I had been ready to leave in year 2 after realizing the porn, infidelity, and later loss of his job. I was in a serious car accident, and he was very caring throughout the many surgeries and then I was pregnant and stayed. I lost respect and trust for this man. Years later, he cheated with my BFF. He also denied it. Yet I witnessed him all over her. I ended it with her and then I was giving the silent treatment. He made me feel unworthy and ugly. I often cried myself to sleep. I wish I had been stronger and left him those many years ago. Everyone suffered in dysfunction. I feel the last 11 years have been a rebuilding and rebirth of myself. I spent a year and a half in therapy after the divorce. Marriage therapy was a joke as he lied to the counselor on the first night and threw me under the bus. He was not supportive with our kids. He would say yes to my no in parenting. He put little to no effort in saving our marriage. I could no longer be the only one honoring our vows. It was a hard blow to my ego. It is a hard choice but he was not going to change.
Wow, this is all so eye-opening. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am struggling through reconciliation (which was a recent interruption of divorce proceedings).
Honesty, safety, trust worthiness have all been breached consistently through my short marriage (2nd marriage for each of us). Turning this over to the Lord (and Not trying to take it from Him), has been a challenging task. A changed heart and mind of my husband (along with changing my own) is what I prayed for…God’s Plan~God’s Timing.
We have a wonderful Christian Counselor who meets with us weekly. I could tell she respected my husband (and me), but had the perspective my H is a kind and sincere man (and he is, until he is offended). Four weeks into reconciliation and counseling she witnessed him being “offended”. His rage and denial of “truth” as we discussed “concerns” was appalling and scary. I hate that it occurred, but thankful he “lost it” in front of her. I’ve never been able to prove this behavior in him, therefore no one believed me (because they only see the sweet, charming H).
Having the discernment to make the hard decisions, “Next Steps,” can be so confusing. I often ask myself “Am I making a Godly decision or am I making a decision based on my hope for my marriage (and love for my H)?” Hence, God-focused vs Marriage/Husband focused.
And This is where I am.
Lifting you all in prayer for our Loving Savior and Holy Spirit to walk with and in each of you to make wise and bold God-centered decisions.
I am so so very sorry. My recommendation is to read and listen to as many books and podcasts as you can by people who have been there. And be very very sure you don’t isolate or let him isolate you. Find AT LEAST one good friend who has been there. The rest won’t believe you and will try to give you dumb advice. Talking about it, over and over, is good therapy. Getting real therapy (hard to find) is a huge plus.
If you say to him what is recommended above, you might want to do it on paper, or be ready to run. I have had to practice radical acceptance, that he is not who he pretended to be and never will be. He is practicing his God=given freedom of choice, but I can, too. All my trying to change him plays into his game. He does not know how to have a mutual relationship, only a transactional one, and game playing is fun for him. The only emotion he feels is the joy when he sees pain in my eyes, and that’s what he lives for. What he says means nothing. A liar lies. Jesus knew that. Even his ‘nice’ is abuse, because it’s part of the game, getting your guard down just a little so he can hurt you again. I know that’s hard to accept, but someone I know was crucified by that sort of people. And He never did a thing wrong.
The Bible says not to be partakers of evil, but rather expose it. I used to think that was passive, but it isn’t. Jesus died because he exposed evil. He didn’t cover it up, sweep it under the rug. That is why this kind of situation can be scary. We are expected to help him have a good show in the community, keep his secret, pretend he’s a good guy, but when we start exposing the evil, sparks fly.
Our safety is of utmost importance. Please, be safe. Have a plan, and protect your precious children.
Thank you, everyone ❤️
I think I know my next necessary steps now:
1. Talk to a lawyer through my EAP ( employee assistance plan…most insurance has them, & it’s free)
2. If needed, hire a lawyer for a consultation
3. Keep careful track of my budget and spending, to know what I really need to live on
4. Also keep track, as best I can, of husband’s spending ( in case I need to have evidence)
5. Spend more time working on my business, less time trying to fix my marriage
6. Stop pretending that his behaviors are ok, or that he gets to define what should be “ enough” or acceptable to me as far as his behaviors go
7. Release feeling …at all !…that it is my responsibility to keep him pacified, happy, or satisfied; to manage his emotions, growth, or behaviors; to cover up for him ( this is hard to do, to be honest but still compassionate); or that I have an obligation to never disappoint him or make him uncomfortable. To instead, be honest, truthful, kind, and supportive but direct.
8. Be ready with a plan for if he leaves, or if he stays, and stays the same.
Who knows, maybe he’ll change. But I’m not waiting to proceed with my life any more.
Or pretending to think or feel what he wants or demands, rather than what I really think or feel.
Or pretending that his wants ( to pretend he’s perfect, that all of his emotions and behaviors are my fault, that only his wants matter, that he doesn’t need to change or grow, to be “ king of the castle”) supersede my and my child’s real needs.
May we all see ourselves as the Daughters of the King that we are, and act accordingly, living in peace as much as is possible, living in our CORE values, living in truth and reality.
GOOD FOR YOU!🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
I’m proud of you! You are worth more than all the riches in this world and so is your child. I pray that you continue in courage and have safe people to support you along the way.
Well said, Grace! Now I offer this: in Al-Anon (for spouses of alcoholics) they say, “Nothing speaks louder than suitcases by the front door” (either yours or his.)
Your action plan is excellent. Go with God.
What about when you’ve reached the point where all the years of pain have bubbled over, and you can no longer say “I love you” or “I want this marriage to work” but you also can’t bring yourself to say, “I don’t love you” or “I want out of this marriage”? What about when you feel frozen in that pain and even his efforts to “improve” after the latest upset don’t reach your heart so feel a combination of guilt and justified anger?
Great question MIchelle. Would you be open for it being answered in a future blog?
I feel that I am in a similar situatuon. I’ve been confused for so long that I’m tired of being confused , tired of fighting, tired of thinking about the relationship, tired of talking about the relationship and currently listening to my gut which is to do what I need to do to take care of my self and needs, relinquish working on the relationship and let the chips fall where they will. I have currently moved downstairs to sleep apart from him. I feel at peace and to me that shows me that is what I need. I am saying no when I don’t want to do something instead of feeling pressured to do it. And I am letting go of feeling the tug to do what he wants and instead doing what I need to do. I have told him that I want to work on ourselves separately not together and that I need to focus on the things I feel are important to put first right now which doesn’t include the relationship. I may be wrong but I feel it is putting the cart before the horse to work on the relationship and not the individual and it feels codependent to me to work on ourselves together. At least for me at this point it does. I am tired of the dynamic, the rollercoaster, the arguing etc… I have become comfortable in making choices that I need to make for my sanity and safety of my mind and emotions. To me that is the priority right now, not the relationship. I need to spend time with God and have Him lead me. God judges the heart and at least in the past has shown me in dreams that my H heart doesn’t match his words and even actions. I feel to just wait on the Lord and not get distracted anymore.
I hear you and I found myself in a similar position. After discovering the affairs, doing counseling & many promises from him; it soon became very clear that he simply wanted to placate me so I would continue caring for him and making his life convenient. Leaving was incredibly painful, but I’m now starting year 3 post separation and I’m truly blessed and leaving was a good (although terribly difficult) decision. I had support from unexpected corners and fallout in nearly every area of my life, but I also had a lot of grace and very specific ways that I saw god’s providing for me and my daughter. I would encourage you to prepare in every way you can while maintaining your safety (legally, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually). When the time is right, the decision will present itself. In my case, my ex fell apart, & yet still refused to change and is simply repeating his same pattern with a parade of younger women. Despite not getting the apology or closure I craved from him, I am releasing the shame, dashed hopes and tears, rebuilding a beautiful life. I’m glad I didn’t stay any longer, even though it took me 2 attempts to finally leave him.
My situation is so similar to others who have commented, except that my husband’s trying to improve seems to come and go. When he’s “on”, we’ll be connected and he’s owning up to the bad behavior towards me and working on himself to improve, and that state might last 2 or 3 days, but then it’s as if he can’t sustain it, he shuts down emotionally, gaslighting, projecting, blaming, arguing or being eerily calm and then sometimes the emotional, verbal and (once hitting, once spitting in my face) or other minor physical abuse start again. Actually, the physical abuse scared him enough that he no longer does that, but he tries to egg me on so that I will push him and then he tells others that I have physically abused him too. Mine has all been reactive which I know is self-defense and not abuse. I can’t figure out whether to stay and keep trying to work on the marriage, or to end it, due to his inconsistency. For sure when he’s “on” he wants to work on the marriage and strives to be a partner and work on himself, until he reaches a tipping point and can’t sustain it for a while. Even when he’s in this “off” state, he is still appearing to work on himself. It’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation, and the decision to stay or go doesn’t seem concrete. I have been choosing stay, though I am now leaning towards questioning that daily. I don’t know if I’ve even given enough details for anyone else to advise me. I know that in Leslie’s description of healthy sinner vs unhealthy sinner, he goes back and forth between the two.
I once was telling my story to a neighbor and I described my H as Jekyll and Hyde too. She told me a story that has stuck with me . She has a friend who was married for 37 years but finally got a divorce . She regrets not leaving decades sooner because the pattern was present all those years before but she kept believing the “nice” side when he seems to be trying. It’s hard to discern what is the truth, and my e sometimes Botha re true, that he really does want you and him to have a good marriage but childhood traumas/his hang-ups keep him from having the capacity to change. He has to do the work individually. SO, right now, I am in a stage to give him the space to work on himself (and me work on myself) individually and telling him to stop “trying” to work on our relationship.( That’s putting the cart before the horse). I am watching to see if true change within him does take place without him “trying” with me. We are individuals that need to get healthy. You can’t have two unhealthy individuals trying to have a healthy relationship can you? That’s where I’m at right now.
I’m so saddened by hearing the brokenness and simultaneously encouraged hearing the bravery of godly women. My question is about a son. My oldest son (14) has caused me some worry when hearing about narcissistic men on here or elsewhere. He tries to control, guilt, manipulate us (my husband and me) or his siblings. He likes to use scripture on others to rebuke them but not so much on himself. My husband and I are not like that. We don’t try to Bible bash each other or our children even though we do study scripture and look for His guidance in it and seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Any advice on parenting a child who exhibits worrisome behaviors? We do call out harshness or ask him if he hears himself and asks if he can identify how/what he’s done wrong and we work on empathy questions, etc.
Okay so, read the article.and -What does “ chose life “ look like ?
Okay so, read the article.and -What does “ chose life “ look like ?The conclusion is so vague!!
Sarah, It think it was pretty clear. Reread the entire answer. You can choose to live in confusion, lies, hurt and pain, OR you can chose to face your fears and realize you are married to someone who does not want to do marriage in a way that aligns with your needs or values. More than that he’s deceitful, uncaring and refuses to change his ways. You have two choices. Continue the crazy dance, or choose life and stop dancing and choose a different path (life).