Housemates, Not Helpmates: When Setting Boundaries Feels Like Controlling
Morning friend,
I’ve been experiencing deep sorrow over a family tragedy. Tears come frequently. Feelings are raw and it’s hard to see or trust in God’s goodness in the dark, hard spaces of life.
I’m not alone. This is the nature of life. The question we ask is “why?” Job asked it. Elijah asked it. Jeremiah asked it. Even Jesus asked it. And, why is usually not answerable this side of heaven.
So what do we do? Satan says, “give up! Despair” “Curse God and die. He is not good. He does not care. You are all alone.”
God says, “Trust me.” “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” Isaiah 55:8
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” Psalm 42:11
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5
When you’re in the dark, which voice do you listen to most often? Which voice do you believe most?
Question: After 77 days of separation, my husband is moving back into our house, against my wishes. We will have separate bedrooms in separate levels in the house. As a personal boundary I’ve discussed with him that we will not be reconnecting in any intimate way and his coming back is only for his convenience, financially and so he can return to his comfort zone. We will strictly be living as house mates, as in a boarding house scenario. I dread his return and am not open to him being in my space.
Am I being unreasonable and/or controlling? Can I express to him that I need him to stay in his area unless we both agree to share a common area to talk, visit, watch tv together?
We’ve been married 51+ years, and he has continually betrayed me in his porn addiction. I finally told him this last time that I’m “numb and done” with his betrayal, lies, and deception.
He has been doing therapy and has established patterns during this separation. But this is his usual pattern, and I need to see him a changed, godly man before I’m interested in working on any reconciliation.
Answer: Thanks for your question. Know that it’s so many women’s question. Of course you dread him back in your space. Don’t beat yourself up for your honest self-awareness. His moving back home will be a test for both of you.
Now that you feel a bit stronger and are beginning to define what’s okay and not okay, you fear being labeled “controlling and unreasonable.” Are you labeling yourself that way? Is it selfish or unreasonable to stick up for yourself and clearly communicate what you will and won’t do going forward?
Here are two questions that can help:
1. What might you need to work on so that if he, or others, label you selfish or controlling, it doesn’t derail your boundaries or growth? We all want people to approve of our decisions. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Proverbs warns us that “The fear of man is a snare.” Proverbs 29:25.
2. What would a changed, godly man do differently than your husband’s normal pattern? How would he treat you? Speak to you? Handle disagreements? Deal with his own temptations? Manage his life?
Friend, in my experience, you likely will be negatively labeled by some. I hope you don’t do it to yourself. Christian women have long been expected not only to go the extra mile, but to continually prioritize their husband’s feelings, wants, and needs above their own. That pattern isn’t only unhealthy, it also continues to feed your husband’s self-centered mindset.
As you learn to stay kind yet detached, to stop managing or fixing his moods, his sexual issues, his lying, or his loneliness, you will more clearly see whether he is doing his own work while you continue to do yours.
Yes, moving back home will be stressful and uncomfortable for you both at times. Yet it will also bring fresh opportunities and challenges. How you each handle this change will give you greater clarity on your next right steps forward.
You’ve been clear with him: for now, you’re not open to being a couple or to him occupying your space. If he is truly doing his own work and genuinely wants to show care for you, he may not like your new boundaries, but he will show respect for them as he moves back in.
Here’s an important reminder: boundaries are about what you can control, never about controlling another. When people first begin setting boundaries, they sometimes accidentally place them on the other person, which becomes controlling.
For example: “Please do not come into the kitchen while I’m eating dinner.” That is not a boundary. You can’t control what he does. A boundary is: “If he comes into the kitchen while I’m eating, I will pick up my plate and go to my bedroom.” You’re not controlling him, you’re controlling you.
Other examples: “I am not sharing my car, my bank account, or my bedroom with him.” You can control those things, even if it means putting a lock on your bedroom door. He may not like it, but you’re stewarding and protecting yourself.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Pay attention. If he respects your space and honors your boundaries, that’s evidence he’s doing his own work. If you begin to see the new character traits you identified in question #2, then over time, you might become open to deeper personal conversations about the possibility of repair.
However, if he does not show care or respect, no amount of love-bombing, gifts, or promises will repair your marriage. Remember, he has been a skilled liar. Despite his words, watch for the fruit of a changed man. Yes, he may be in counseling. But counseling can mean talking to a therapist about how sad he feels, how others have hurt him, or what a controlling, unforgiving wife you’ve been, rather than doing real work on himself. Remember Jesus warns us, “You will recognize them by their fruits.” Matthew 7:16
Seeing clearly, as painful as it may be, gives you clarity. It helps you grow stronger in your self-stewardship and in your resolve not to reconnect with someone you cannot yet trust.
Friend, as you enter this “let’s see what happens” stage in your marriage, how would you answer question #1 and question #2 for yourself?
32 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
Navigating the Decision to Divorce in a Christian Marriage
Morning friend, We had an amazing turn out for our webinar, Is He Really Changing or Just Pretending? I hope you downloaded your workbook and have been thinking about the questions I provided to help you discern change from pretense. We opened our doors to CONQUER, and they will remain open until Friday, October 17….
How Can I Know God Better?
Morning friends, WOW! I’m so grateful for the level of support you give to one another on this blog and your willingness to go deeper inside, to discover hidden or unknown parts of yourself. I was talking with a friend this week about this whole idea of knowing who you are and growing up to…
How do I revive a wilting marriage?
Hi Friends, This past week I did my very first webinar on Does God Want Us to Be Happy. It was exciting to venture into this new opportunity to teach more of you and reach a wider audience. We had over 400 people in attendance from across the world and got great feedback from those…
Dear Leslie, I pray you and your family will receive peace and consolation during this especially painful time. Your kindness and gracious spirit has lifted all of us up and encouraged us over the years; may some of that love and blessing now flow back to you.❤️
Thanks living in grace. Appreciate you.
Prayers of comfort as you grieve and navigate this time of sorrow. Your journey and scriptural support have been such a blessing. The encouragement to do our own work is inspiring.
Thank you for your prayers Overcomer in Him.
I’m so sorry for your sadness! Thank you for sharing your pain and the truths you hang onto in it. I appreciate your “showing up”, even in a time of deep sadness., encouraging others from a place of vulnerability. May your heart be encouraged ! May God grant his comfort, strength and peace! You have been the hands and feet of Jesus over and over for others in pain, and now, may we be the same for you. You are dearly loved.
THanks Julie, we all face sorrow and hardship and it’s much easier when we stop pretending and share the truth.
Leslie, I’m so sorry to hear of the family tragedy. The verses you listed, His presence and your friends and family will be your lifeline during this very painful grieving process. May His presence be tangible and bring peace & healing.
Leslie, I am so very sorry to learn of your family tragedy. I am praying for you and your family. Over the years, your book has brought me some peace during trying times. In the dark of the night and crumbling inside, I’d open your book on destructive relationships and I could find calm within me. During the day, I found myself doing the same. While I have not written a book to offer you, I can pray. Please know that this community of believers who has come together because of you, are praying for you and those dear to you. While we are not physically present, we are spiritually with you, Leslie. You are surrounded by love and concern.
Thanks for your prayers Connie. Appreciate you.
Thank you Angie. Means a lot to me that you and people are praying.
Dearest Leslie, our hearts are hurting because your heart is hurting. “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT You have been our comforter on so many occasions. We now stand in the gap for you, our sister, our friend.
Thanks Nancy. I appreciate you.
I’m having a hard time answering these questions for myself. when i try to express a hurt, my husband responds with blame (brings things up from the past to show that it is a pattern of accusations on my part).
1. What might you need to work on so that if he, or others, label you selfish or controlling, it doesn’t derail your boundaries or growth? We all want people to approve of our decisions. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. Proverbs warns us that “The fear of man is a snare.” Proverbs 29:25.
How can I move forward in my marriage? How can I respond in a healthy way without getting defensive myself? I know I cannot control him, but I desire to have him say, “ I am sorry you are hurting, how can we reach resolution”? Usually its minor issues, but some of the bedroom issues (when I feel used) are pretty big. He says, “if you feel used, then you should leave me”.
2. What would a changed, godly man do differently than your husband’s normal pattern? How would he treat you? Speak to you? Handle disagreements? Deal with his own temptations? Manage his life?
He says he is at peace. He is ok with having unresolved issues. We should just “love each other” by living in the same house, but sometimes its ok to move forward with out resolution. He says he is striving to live a Godly life. I feel like these unresolved issues are just building and building. He refuses marriage counseling because the last one “made him feel bad”.
Please help!
Hey Sissy! I’ve been here. In both your answers to the questions you state how he will not take responsibility for his actions and does not care about your feelings. When he says if you feel used, you should leave him. He again, is not taking responsibility, but trying to make you feel guilty for sharing your feelings instead of him being curious and wanting to understand your feelings. That is not a response of someone loving, but redirecting the conversation to be about you. He doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling because it steps on his toes and he hears what he needs to hear but doesn’t want to hear it. He sees this as all about him and how it makes him feel rather than taking you, his helpmate, into consideration. Please use repeated behaviors such as these to help guide you as you move forward. They will continue to give you the clarity you need as to what is healthy and what is not. If he is unwilling to budge in any way to move toward a healthy relationship then you may just have the answer you need. It’s hard! I’ve been there. You have to set the boundaries and control what you can control which is not him and this may mean you separate and file for divorce. God’s got you and I’m praying for you as you make this journey.
Thank you for the response! It is helpful.
Unfortunately, my husband’s counselor agrees with him, that my “pattern of accusations” is hurtful. She told him that I need to work on my sexual wounds, from being used in my first marriage and by an uncle when I was a child.. He said he will never tell me what his counselor says again, when I asked. I told him that I had hoped she would tell him to be gentle with me. Usually, after a few weeks, he owns his part of this problem. But, I hate living in weeks of disharmony, of just being cordial to each other (like housemates), then usually getting some resolution on an issue. but there is always a next time.
I have worked on my issues, and I will continue all of my life. My counselor says my husband has control issues, especially when his anxiety gets going. He really is a pretty good man striving to live holy life, besides when I (or even someone else) tries to express a hurt to him. (He has cut others out of his life for that reason, and his counselor encourages him to set those boundaries when he feels hurt/accused.) I don’t want to consider divorce, except as a very last resort. I want to learn how to express my hurts in a way that he can receive them, and I desire to work towards resolution quickly, without it escalating. I want to learn how to stand up, speak up, and step back in Godly ways, and feel heard and have resolution. I know I cannot control his response. I am grieving a “normal” marriage.
Sissy, May I echo Heather’s message to you?
I spent years…over a decade, really…spending a lot of time trying to communicate what a healthy relationship is, in the hope that my husband would understand, empathize, grow, and want to create a healthy marriage with me.
The answer I have finally come to accept is that he is not interested in a marriage of mutual, reciprocal respect, care, love, and personal freedom ( as Leslie describes a healthy marriage).
I feel that I have grown a lot over the years; he wants to “ go back to how things used to be”…when I not only prioritized all his needs and wishes, but ignored my own and nearly erased myself, emotionally.
As Heather says, you truly can only control yourself…and realize that if our husbands refuse our invitation to a healthy marriage…we have to respect their right as an individual to make that choice ( even though we’ve spent decades being the” perfect”, patient, forgiving wife…and he really should have gotten it by now!).
I get your desire to “ learn how to express my hurts in a way that he can receive them”, but the truth is, in a healthy marriage, to an emotionally healthy marriage, your husband would want to listen and understand your thoughts and feelings, without you having to express them “ perfectly “. You have no responsibility for, or control over, whether he chooses to listen or respond positively.
My husband truly doesn’t seem to be able to take in verbal communication from me, so I started writing my thoughts…and then editing them a dozen times ( literally) in order to make sure that I was communicating in the best way possible.
It didn’t matter, it didn’t change anything.
Because the problem was never what I was saying…it was that he refused to listen, empathize, or take responsibility for his own attitudes, behaviors, growth, or happiness.
I also encouraged my husband to find a therapist. He found a good one, but stopped seeing him after 4 visits. My husband shared one of my carefully written letters with the therapist, thinking the therapist would “side” with him and disparage me. The therapist said my letter made a lot of sense, and challenged my husband to respond well. That was the last time my husband saw the therapist.
It sounds like your husband’s therapist reinforces his unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors, instead of challenging him to grow and change. You can’t do anything about that dynamic, but you can choose to not let your husband’s “ flying monkeys” ( people who reinforce his dysfunction) affect your thinking and choices.
It takes time and work to unlearn the unhealthy dynamics and “ rules” that we Christian women have internalized for our entire lives until this point. Please give yourself grace and compassion as you continue to learn and move toward a healthier life.
Thank you Grace. My first husband of 35 years was NPD. My counselor (who helped through that divorce) says that my current husband has these tendencies. URGH!!! Yes, as you did, I try to write my answers to my husband in emails and texts, hoping he’ll listen to me. I journal my feelings, I use Leslie’s book a lot. I pray and pray and pray. Sometimes it feels like he does own his actions, and hears me. (But, I guess those are just the crumbs I need to stay).
My counselor challenges me to focus on my goals, and what I can achieve. I feel like I am just reaching awareness in this marriage of the emotional abuse (even though my counselor has been calling out behaviors for a long time.)
Thank you for your encouragement to give myself grace and compassion. How are you doing it in a healthy way?
I do it in all the wrong ways – yelling, crying, fawning, fleeing, freezing, giving in to him, owning all the responsibility, letting him control the narrative, etc. My whole life is wrapped up in my marriage working – our home, our children and grandchildren, finances, etc.
Yet, not feeling heard; feeling dismissed; having little hope that he will work on the marriage is getting too heavy to carry. I am having another awakening.
Hi Sissy,
I’m glad to hear you have a wise counselor to help you. I found a Christian therapist online, who has been incredibly helpful and supportive to me. Many times she’s tried to convey a concept, like that of my right to have personal boundaries…and then months later, I’ll say, “ guess what I just learned!” – it’s become kind of a joke between us. Because sometimes you just have to hear things over and over before you can really incorporate them into your life.
What has helped me so far:
1. My Christian therapist online
2. A few good friends…sometimes I’ve said, “My husband said/ did xyz…would your husband do that?” And when more than one friend says “NO! “ then I know that I’m not “ crazy” or “ over-sensitive “.
3. Reading – a lot. Here; also on FlyingFreenow.com, Lisa Terkuerst, Lindsay Gibson, ChangingUs.org. Hearing other women’s stories and perspectives really helps with understanding…and sanity.
4. Praying, for clarity and wisdom, of course.
5. Journaling the “ conversations “ and experiences…not to remind my husband of his behaviors, but to see the patterns for myself, and to learn new ways of thinking and responding.
6. FINALLY realizing that I can treat myself the way I treat others, meaning that it’s ok if I’m not perfect, it’s ok that this has taken a long time to understand, it’s ok to realize how unhealthy most of my early thinking about marriage was. It’s ok to want something different now, to desire a better relationship. It’s ok to be patient and kind to myself, the way I have been for others.
7. And finally realizing that it’s not all up to me: I can’t…literally, can’t…cross over the boundary “ threshold” of 50% of the relationship. I can’t choose my husband’s thoughts, attitudes, or behaviors, no matter how hard I try, how much I’ve given up, or the empirical knowledge that he would be so much happier if he would just listen to me! 😉 But truly, accepting that I have done enough, tried enough, that I really can’t do any more more for the marriage, but I can choose to keep working on my own self…that’s the most freeing concept of all. A hard one to accept, but I’m slowly getting there.
I haven’t decided whether I want to leave the marriage yet. I have the complications of multiple medical issues, along with an adult child who also has significant medical problems. And having been an at- home Mom for decades, although I have worked in several fields over the years ( one of my husband’s rants is: “ you’ve never worked a day in your life!” – so not true!) I am not in the position to support myself financially at the moment. But I have done an analysis of what my finances might look like, after divorce, with an advisor and a lawyer, and to my surprise, I think I could manage.
I’m also working to restart a business, even though my confidence level is pretty low, so that I could potentially make up the financial gap between surviving and thriving, if I were on my own.
I haven’t totally given up on my husband, or the marriage, but I have chosen to let go of feeling that the marriage is within my control, or wholly my responsibility.
I’m still struggling to focus on what I can do to move forward, each day, rather than ruminating on the past, or trying “ just once more” to find the magic words that will finally cause my husband to listen, have empathy for me, change and want a healthy relationship.
While changing my thought patterns and actions seems to take forever, I try to remind myself that even a little step forward is progress. So each little step matters.
I planted some flower seeds this spring. Like the wheat in the Bible parable, some sprouted, some wilted…and some were dug up by my new dog! But some survived, growing slowly, but hanging in there. And now I have some flowers. Not as quickly or as many as I had hoped for…but enough to brighten my day, and to share some with a friend.
Today, I wish you a “ bouquet “ of peace, rest, encouragement, and strength.❤️
I’ll keep you, and all of us! in my prayers ❤️
Leslie, you have helped so many for so long and now you are in need of comfort and care. The most pure and powerful only comes from the Lord as you know. My wife and I are praying for your comfort and healing in your time of need.
Thank you for your prayers for me and my family.
Prayers for you and your family, whatever the tragedy is that you are experiencing. We pray you will feel God’s closeness and loving wisdom, even during a time that is shattering and so difficult to bear. And I pray you will hear His voice, knowing that He is God and nothing can separate you from His love, even this sorrow. Prayers for you as you navigate a tough time in your life.
Thanks Liz for your prayers.
I’m praying for you Leslie. You’ve been there for me (without you even knowing it!) for so many years. My heart hurts for you. Love and hugs ❤️
Thanks Sally. Appreciate you.
I am sorry to hear that you are mourning Leslie. May our Lord hold you and your family up when you most need Him throughout the day and night. Thank you for your wisdom and teaching heart. I have just started Conquer and am learning so much from you and our sisters in Christ.
Thanks Denise. Appreciate your prayers.
Dearest Leslie, my heart hurts to hear that you’re experiencing a family tragedy. Having also experienced tragedy, I can relate to your raw feelings, honest questions, and reflections. Thank you for sharing them. Nothing can separate you from God’s love! May God’s love, comfort, wisdom, and presence sustain you during this time of profound grief. I’m so grateful for you, your work, and ministry. You’ve given to me and to so many! I will be praying for healing, and that you and your family will be surrounded with love and support. ❤️
Thank you Debra. Appreciate your prayres.
Dear Leslie, I am very sorry for the time you and your family are through , I just pray for comfort and peace.
With love
Maria
Thanks Maria, Appreciate your prayers.
Leslie, I am saddened by the news of your sudden family tragedy. Please know I will be lifting you and your family in prayer. May His comfort and love surround you and His presence and peace felt deeply. Your ministry has been a continuous blessing for 15 yrs, thank you❤️.
Thank you Tanya.