He’s Intimacy Anorexic. Is There Anything I Can Do?
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Question: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We are both Christ followers and have 3 children (2 adopted now teens and a bio 5-year-old). There have been infidelities on his part along the way, mostly with pornography which he struggled with deeply before marriage (I was unaware).
Many omissions and staggered disclosures anger about me asking questions about his recovery along the way, etc. He was very charming pre-marriage and affectionate, but I came to find out he is/and has been since early marriage actually intimacy avoidant with me. Our son was conceived miraculously as my husband rarely would concede to having sex. After postpartum recovery, my husband whined about me asking about sex the few times I did and now it has been 4.5 years of no sex. I have never refused sex with him and told him I desire him, AND that now I am wanting to have him initiate and pursue me so I am not feeling rejected all the time. His reasons for abstaining have been that he just wants “to go a day without fighting”, but even when we have plenty of days and even weeks of good days, there is no pursuit and intimacy is sabotaged in one way or another.
We have had a good marriage therapist for over 5 years now with whom we’ve had intensives, and weekly sessions, and are currently working with after a “smaller” discovery 6 months ago. My husband now has Covenant Eyes and friends following up with him and is showing growth, but I believe there is a major block in him with intimacy. We are going on a vacation together without the kids soon, he has said in the past he “would love to have sex and thinks about it all the time” and that he thinks I’m attractive, but it is all talk.
He has wounds from his childhood which I can understand have contributed to his difficulty with intimacy, AND I feel like at this point it is up to him to show some desire and pursuit. I am desiring deeper intimacy and have forgiven him. I know I have not deserved to be neglected in my marriage in this way, and I’m not sure if there’s anything else I should do. Thanks for your ministry and wisdom!
Answer: I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing. I’m going to make a gigantic assumption and that is that you have already brought up this issue with your marital therapist. And I assume he or she has made some recommendations around this for him? For you both? Has there been a recommendation that you go to a sex therapist who can help you both reestablish safety in this part of your relationship together?
I hear that you want him to pursue you. You have every right to want that, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. One of the side effects of long-term pornography use is the inability to have normal sexual relationships. Do a Google search on the impact of long-term pornography on normal sexual function and you will find many valid studies to verify this. Even if he’s curtailed his porn use now, it may not mean he’s capable or interested in normal face-to-face emotional/physical intimacy. You’ve said that sexual intimacy was rare over the entire span of your marriage. What is different now that things will change in the bedroom?
I’m thankful you have compassion for his issue even as it’s greatly impacted you and your marriage. One’s childhood does leave scars and sometimes they are not overcome just because you try hard to overcome them. You can care for and love your husband. You clearly have empathy for him and the issues that may have contributed to his problem. However, you cannot solve this for him. Only he can do the hard work and take the risks of intimacy, including the risk of not being successful.
One thing you might suggest for this upcoming vacation is having an honest conversation with the help of your therapist on ways you might achieve some degree of emotional/physical closeness perhaps intentionally excluding intercourse. Sometimes when the “feared” thing is off the table, more curiosity, playfulness, and experimentation are possible. Perhaps non-sexual touch or massage or other things you both would enjoy would be something he could initiate. If after a healthy conversation and plan is agreed upon, if you find that on your vacation together you still get ignored, that gives you more information about whether he does what he says he will do.
You said you don’t deserve to be neglected in this way and you’re right. Only you can decide what you will live with and what you won’t live with. Most marriages fall short of ideal in some category. Sexual intimacy is hugely important for some, and as we get older, maybe not so much. You get to decide how important this is to you and how satisfied you are in other areas of your relationship with him.
My concern is that from what you’ve indicated, much of your entire marriage has revolved around him. His feelings, his sin, his past, his trauma, his needs, his problems, his honesty, etc. Marriage is a relationship that also must care about you and your needs. Otherwise, it’s merely ministry. Ministry is important but it does not make for a good marriage. Apart from sexual intimacy, has your husband shown care for your other needs? How about caring for the impact his problem has caused you? Does he show empathy for your loneliness and your sexual frustration? Do you now trust him more? Do you feel he truly cares about you and what you’re going through? How does he show you that he cares? Building healthy sexual intimacy is only one part of a good marriage. An important part, but not the only part. Ask yourself what’s working well here for both of you. If you are hard-pressed to come up with an answer, even after 5 years of intense marital work, then I think you have your answer.
Friend, words of wisdom for our dear sister here? If you were her, what would you see as your next rights step?
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This issue is more common in marriages today than we believe where the wife is the higher desire partner. However, the writer says “there have been ‘infidelities’ along the way, mostly pornography”, which leads me to wonder if there is more levels of betrayal in this marriage than the pornography. Perhaps sexual addiction has been hidden that has never been addressed or he cannot maintain an erection due to chronic masturbation.
It is wonderful that there has been a commitment to marriage counseling, but individual as marital counseling with a certified sex addiction therapist might be worth consideration.
I’m wholeheartedly agree that there is more to intimacy than the physical or emotional realm – if this is all intimacy is, then we limit the creativeness of what God calls us to explore in marriage.
There is a new book releasing July 2nd through Focus on the Family/Tyndale called I Want Him to Want Me: How to Respond When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex that addresses this issue and many others.
For the coaching what time are the Zoom meetings?
If you go to leslievernick.com/summergrowth the days and times are listed there!
We all like to be pursued as women but instead of waiting for him, have you tried being the one initiating sex? Not talking about it and waiting for him to act but being the initiator. Many of us believe that being sexually desired is essential for us to feel beautiful, wanted, validated. But what if we find our value in being loved by Jesus, who will never fail us? What if we stop waiting for him but rather go into the bedroom prayerfully, pursing our husband as a way of loving him the way that God loves him?
IA (intimacy anorexia) is real and rooted in childhood. May I suggest the book The Emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry. Also, Matt and Laura Burton from mybecomingwell.com do counseling and Intensives geared towards IA and sexual infidelity in all its forms. They have been the missing link we have needed. The Begin Again Institute (Christian two week intensive ) is also excellent for introducing SA men to Christ. Although my husband thought he was a Christian, he only had Jesus in his head and not his heart. He met Jesus at the Begin Again Institute in Colorado. The help is there. The majority of therapists do not have the expertise and training needed to address these deep and complex issues. I praise God each day for the help He has directed us to. After 35 years of a lie-filled marriage, my husband is now living in truth and is the man God designed him to be. He got lost along the way because of emotional incest (that’s a whole other ballgame that affects so many marriages) but is now living in His light and is a completely different person. I have had to do EMDR and ETT to gain healing (gifts God has given to help the brain)., and the journey has been beyond brutal, but the Holy Spirit kept me in the marriage, and I am grateful.
Hi Lynda: I looked up these books and this program. I am so interested. The term Intimacy anorexia describes my husband exactly. I am curious to know more about emotional incest because I have thought about that the way he is connected to his mother. Could you give a description and resources about that. I am desperately looking for alternative living situation because I can’t handle life with him anymore after 33 years and six kids, four are still at home. But I can’t hold on any longer. Your story was hopeful. though. I hope that leaving him will finally wake him up to take some kind of action. He is Christian but spent ages 6 through 12 in boarding school in Nigeria. The loyalty to his family and the tight lid on his past have me wondering if this IA started there. But of course, I am evil to even suggest that. Thank you.for any help you can give and thank you for sharing. Blessings on you.
I’ve been hearing great things about Boulder and Begin Again Institute. 100% The majority of therapists do not have the expertise and training needed to address these deep and complex issues. I totally hear you in the “only had Jesus in his head and not his heart”. IA is so so so painful. You wrote this in May 2024 it is now Nov 2024- Do you still see the positive changed man (SA + IA)/progress has continued? After 23 yrs i am getting EMDR next month.
I am divorced now but my marriage was similar to what was described here in that he was charming and somewhat affectionate premarriage and became intimacy avoidant post marriage. I didn’t understand and was unhappy with the lack of physical and emotional intimacy. Other things in our marriage didn’t work well either like communication especially around money or accomplishing goals. We went to a Christian counselor in year six of the marriage, he didn’t disclose his porn use. He disclosed porn use in year 11 of our marriage. When he did finally say he used porn, he admitted it was daily use since he was a teenager. After disclosure he said he was working on recovery but became angry and defensive whenever I asked about it and was not willing to go to a counselor to work on our marriage with that reality now understood. Despite his statements that he was working on it, things didn’t change. I realized I could not fix him. I knew I could not be happy with the way things were. Divorce was so hard but as mentioned in the answer, leaving the marriage was the only way I could leave a relationship that revolved only around him without any concerns for me as a person or my needs. Every day, without exception, I am happy to be away from that relationship.
I am also divorced from a marriage with similar issues. My ex husband was a different man a couple of weeks after we married, not for the better. In our marriage he wanted sex all the time and I thought that was normal. Then it stopped. No intimacy at all, not even hugs. I tried everything to please him, went to counselling together where I was told to do better. I tried for years. I finally found out there was a porn addiction. But more complicated than that, he was having affairs – hehad some extreme fantasies (which I didnt know about) and had found a younger girl who was prepared to fulfill them. Theres no words for how traumatic this was. I was angry with myself for being so naive. Even woth the discoveries I was prepared to work with him as I still made excuses, I knew he had a traumatic past and I trusted in God for our marriage to be saved.
We went to my pastors for help (he wasn’t Christian but agreed to go) my ex husband told them he wanted a relationship with us both. It was humiliating and for the first time my Pastors recommended I leave the marriage. Previous church had told me to stay, pray more etc. I just felt relief.
I didn’t want to see what was really happening in our marriage. I was hurting, rejected and doubted myself. I made excuses for him, putting myself last and trying harder all the time to meet his needs and restore intimacy. I think ultimately I kept believing he would go back to the way he was, and I just had to hang in there for Gods miracle. I never told anyone and ended up isolated with serious health issues from the stress. I came out of it very damaged. Its been a longbroad to recovery for me, and resources like this are invaluable. I hope that your husband continues to engage and get the help he needs. A marriage without intimacy is very hard but trying to change yourself to receive intimacy or be loved is even harder.
I’m so sorry for all you experienced! I understand the serious health issues due to stress – I am right there with you. It takes such a toll on our bodies. I kept it all in and secret about my husband’s addiction for 34 years and it nearly destroyed me. Thank you so much for sharing – it helped me not feel so alone.
I would say that Covenant Eyes is useless, unless his recovery is totally his idea and he is all in, doing everything in his power to change, NO defensiveness, NO prodding, NO excuses, full acceptance and understanding of his wife’s pain. Josh Duggar had it, my husband had it. One day I said, “I bet you know how to get around it anyway.” He smirked and said yup. Then I was trying to check into the WiFi and under the password box was another category, Hidden Network, which I don’t have the password to. They can split the computer into 2 computers.
Hi Connie – My husband is a computer guru and a porn addict. I asked him to install monitoring software and he said No, it wouldn’t do any good because he could get around anything.
Oh how I can relate to so many of the above stories! IA is a new word for me but I have suffered the effects. I discovered my husband’s porn addiction in 2009, he refused counseling and said he could stop I naively believe him. There was no intimacy shortly after marriage and I tried everything. I thought he was having an affair, I was ugly, etc. I read every book, prayed, etc. He travelled for work a lot so I was always wondering …..also wondered for years what was wrong with me – not pretty enough, sexy enough, good enough….then in 2019 I discovered porn again- he’d never stopped. I insisted on Christian counseling – after 6 weeks the counselor pronounced him healed and suggested we do a daily devotional ton”keep us on track” – what a joke. I was caring for three aged parent sat the time and was exhausted. After the parents were gone I started having health problems. Chronic illness and pain came and I finally reached the end of my rope. I asked him to move out and I sought Christian counseling for MYSELF! God provided a wonderful counselor. We couldn’t afford for my husband to live in a hotel for very long so he moved back but I had strict boundaries . Because I can’t work and get insurance, we have to stay married but I now.know that we’ve never had a true marriage. He went to counseling by himself two times then stopped. It’s not easy but my counselor has helped me heal so much and now I have to carve out what life I can have for myself. I learned all about self-care and although my living situation is not ideal, I am trying to do the best I can. I confess after 35 years I’m so weary but leaning hard on God. To all those who say try harder, do this or that and he will respond – stop! Seek help for yourself dear sisters-in-Christ. Leslie’s book Emotionally Destructive Marriage helped me so much!!
Lived this for 25 years before I asked him to leave. The prolonged lack of physical and emotional connection feels like you are dying of thirst. There is so much deep rejection- I mean what man doesn’t want sex? It makes you feel worthless as a woman, invisible. The last time I pressed the issue, the event was so cold and detached- I may as well have been a blow up doll. Sorry to be so graphic- but the image is genuine and revealing. It was humiliating enough to say “forget it” to myself. The intimacy anorexia isn’t just physical when you think about it. Emotions, empathy, genuineness- you starve from all of it. They can’t give what they don’t have. It is so sad that this problem will only get worse with the prevalence of porn. I talk with my son about it honestly and directly- not saying anything about his dad. Just so he can have a healthy marriage one day. I don’t know if I can ever trust a man to be whole and healthy enough to have a genuine relationship this late in my life.
40 years of porn addiction in our marriage. I believe there was other infidelity also. IA began four years ago when I told him I wasn’t interested in doing anything physical with him because of the porn and he stated that he wouldn’t touch me anymore. It’s like there’s a bubble around each of us that keeps us from touching. No touching whatsoever. Two years ago I moved to my own bedroom. The only thing lonelier than sleeping alone is sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to touch you.
Marriage counseling would not help. He has a lust problem. We’re great at being married . . . have meals together, church every week, socialize with friends and family.. No one has a clue about our relationship.
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and it’s not going to take much before I crack and walk away. It’s what I think about every day.
Thank you for this post. I too, have experienced this in my prior marriage. I noticed a distinct change on the 2nd night we were married that continued for the entirety of my marriage. It was such a deep deep pain for me, and one I felt that I could never share with anyone. I thought something was deeply wrong with me. Now that I am divorced, that deep ache in my soul is healing! If you are experiencing this in your marriage, please know that you are not alone!