Dear Mom: How to Lead Your Daughters Through the Wreckage of Betrayal
Morning friend,
Italy is amazing. What a privilege to spend this quality, special time with each one of my granddaughters. We've been playing Monopoly Deal together on the beach when our feet are too tired to do any more walking. So fun. Being able to influence and impact the next generation of young women is one of my favorite things to do, especially when it's my own family.
Today's question is from a mom who desires to help her daughters through a tough time.
Today's Question: I have two young adult daughters who are trying to launch into adulthood in the wake of their father's betrayal, which devastated both me and them. There have been waves of sadness, anger, and hope at different times over the past months. They don't know how to trust or who to trust when it comes to thinking about dating and entering relationships of their own. How can I best support them and help them heal from all this so that they can have healthy relationships of their own in the future?
Answer: I'm sorry you are going through this. Betrayal trauma is devastating. It changes the way you look at the world as well as the way you look at yourself. It's not only that you have lost trust in the other person, but when you are betrayed by someone close, it creates a feeling that you can't trust yourself — because you were duped by the person's clever deception.
You're rightly concerned that you and your daughters will need healing as well as some guidelines for navigating future relationships. As much as you love them and want to protect them, you cannot do their work. However, you can begin to show the way by doing your own work. You can also provide support for them in doing theirs, but their healing and rebuilding is their journey. You can lead the way by example as they take their own steps of grieving and healing, as well as learning who to trust, when to trust, and what to watch out for in untrustworthy individuals.
You mentioned experiencing waves of different emotions, and I'm curious, what has brought hope to you? Was it hope that their father had seen the folly of his ways and repented? Or hope that now that everything is in the open, a new chapter can be written of repair, healing, and closure? I don't have any more details, but I do want to warn you to guard your heart against something we call hopium. Hopium anesthetizes the pain of betrayal with a comforting belief in promised change. When someone is caught in their web of deceit, they sometimes begin to look as though they are making changes because they don't want to face the pain and consequences of their duplicity. Be careful. Watch and wait. Hopium feels a lot better than grief or anger, but it never leads to lasting change.
Your question was: how can you best support your daughters? Here are a few suggestions.
First, as I said, let them watch you doing your own work. Grieve your losses. It's painful to discover that someone you trusted has betrayed you. Don't hide the pain to protect them — let yourself feel your feelings without shame, blame, or self-criticism. This is especially important for our children to learn. We are not robots, and betrayal hurts. Learn to tend to yourself and get outside support. You don't have to hide your pain from your daughters; however, don't lean on them. Let them see you taking care of yourself. Get enough sleep, practice calming breaths, seek support, journal, exercise, take long walks, and if needed, get professional help to regulate and manage your emotional distress so that your nervous system can reset and this trauma doesn't settle in your body more permanently. Your daughters are not little children, they don't need you to protect them. They are young women, and they need you to show them how a grown woman takes care of herself.
Second, begin to look for what this betrayal can teach you and your daughters. Can you all get curious without shaming yourselves for being deceived? Perhaps you will notice that you ignored red flags that were waving at you, or that you could have used better boundaries. Maybe you closed your eyes to the truth because it felt too hard to face, or you learned the hard way that he cannot be a stable, trustworthy long-term partner. Perhaps you've recognized spiritual confusion around submission, forgiveness, longsuffering, loyalty, and sacrificial love, or discovered a fear of living alone, a lack of genuine friendships, or that your church community has not been the support you needed.
This season of self-awareness and self-examination, though painful, can lead to fruitful growth. It helps you see a path forward and identify what areas of your life need to be repaired or rebuilt so you can move forward in a healthy way, even if your marriage does not survive. It can also open powerful conversations with your daughters — sharing what you are seeing and learning about yourself. Hopefully they, in turn, will grow curious about their own relational patterns, inviting deeper self-awareness, more honest conversations, better boundaries, and new strengths as they navigate their own relationships.
Finally, betrayal is like a bomb that has exploded, and you are all injured by the shrapnel of deceit. I want you to remind yourself, dear one, that although this part is painful and awful, it is not the end of the story. What you all do with what happened is the next chapter — and you get to write it. Do you get stronger? Wiser? Braver? Less dependent? Less easily manipulated or fooled by spiritual words, sweet talk, or charmers? Do you develop greater discernment, better boundaries, and the ability to say no even when someone doesn't like it? Can you accept the hard truth that there are people in this world — even in the church — who should not be trusted, and that this does not make you unloving or hard-hearted? (See Proverbs 25:19; Jeremiah 7:8; Psalm 118:8–9. Even Jesus did not trust certain people — John 2:24.)
The work is there for you and your daughters to do. Over the years, though, I have found that many people do not want to walk through that dark valley. Instead, they stay in hopium, or they seek a new relationship as quickly as possible to feel better. This temporarily numbs the hurt, but it is not the answer. God has allowed this in your life. Your husband has his own work to do, and whether he does it will be his choice. But you and your daughters also have work to do to come through this healthy, strong, and resilient. As you walk through the pain, you will discover hidden gifts: what Isaiah calls treasures hidden in the dark (Isaiah 45:3). These can be life-changing treasures you do not want to miss out of fear. God will be with you each step of the way.
Friend, if you have walked through betrayal trauma, what is one of the most important things you did to get through it — or to help your children get through it?
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Excellent response, Leslie. After 30 years of working in divorce recovery and stepfamily ministry you are absolutely correct. And way too many people look to another relationship to numb the pain, or be the “example” to their kids. That is NOT what they need. They need to witness a parent who can move forward THROUGH the pain, not around it. They need a mom who shows them how to overcome the grief, shame, pain, and betrayal in a healy, stable, godly way. They need to observe how to survive a crisis, and come out the other side emotionally healthier before they went into it. This requires, time, good therapy that can reveal why you ignored the red flags early on, support groups, and lots of emotionally mature, healthy, fun women around you. If they believe another man is the only way to heal, they will get the wrong message. I’ve lived YOUR story. And I’ve watched 100’s do the same. MOST run into another relationship quickly because it numbs the pain, and usually bites them later. Join Leslie’s groups and overcome. Jesus WILL sustain you. My heart is with you, sister.
I’m sorry for your betrayal to all of you.
I was betrayed by all of my siblings along with the full
I’m sorry for your pain.
I was betrayed and smeared by all my aiblings i worshiped my whole life for last 12 years. Many friends.
Broke me but now no more narcissist are coming into my life and if they sneak in they get the boot.
Except my H who is a Narc.
Gives me a full run for my money.
I have health issues and money issues so makes it hard
What I have learned is #1 You cant tell yourselves enough. “This is NOT YOUR FAULT”
This man is shame based doesnt want to deal with his crap . Was selfeish no empathy gaslit shamed punished and probably was good at it. Like narcissist are
Thats not your fault . Thats his fault cause he only cared about himself or he would of done his work to hold up his end and respect his family.
You need to seperate that from yourselves and detach that its your fault or has anything to do with you.
My thought with girls because i was that girl and i have coached alot of girls on this is.
Narcissist see your weakness and can sniff out codependency and if they could get you in a weak area.
So there best way they get into doing this is by you sharing and they hand back to you on a silver platter what u said
So I suggest tell the men they date nothing about the Dads betrayal at least 3 months. Dont share your weaknesses. Put yourselves in the driver seat in control.
Like your a investigator Observe dont absorb.
Write down any red flags.
They should ask the ?’s as much as possible because narcissist exploit so if you said I am gun shy hurt by Dads betrayal. They tell you it happened to them to or how could he do this to such a nice daughter and love bomb.
If I was dating I would be like investigator and smile be lighthearted but behind the scene I dont trust u. I will decide if i do for 3 months
Ask ?’s like Do you like to talk things through when there is a issue or walk away.
Could be a narc if he runs away
Write it all down.
What is your worst characteristic in a relationship and whats your best?
Are you calm or do you yell.
Do u have a short temper?
Why did last relationships break up?
Narcissist always look away start body twitches clear there throat look at there phone cant look you in the eyes have to go to bathroom.
Watch for there reaction.
If there face starts turning purple.
They say why all the darn questions.
This how u always are.
Defense usually =Narc
All those body movements anger building up = narc
Just say I dont want to waste my time. I wanna know what I would be living with.
I just like honesty and I want to know these things.
Here is another trick i taught my husbands daughters.
Noticed this since I was 20
I call it the 3 no’s.
If things look fishy and they ask for something in a pressure way. “No I cant do that”
No tomorrow I am busy to.
Sorry that just wont work”
With a narcissist they want control.
Steam rolls out of there ears and they start talking down to you making u look instable or like a prude and they get mad.
Run!
Once u know a narcissist just hands back that there Romeo to all your things u say. I like that to.
And hand what u say back on a platter.
Thats what they do and if there loud successful over egotistical and brag alot.
Many narcs are like that.
If they break there neck to look at every chick while being with you.
Red flag cheater
I look at my husband when i met him really did alot of these things but i listened to his words.
And they were smooth and put them ahead of all the red flags
He tried to cross the boundaries when i said dont touch but i was strong enough to leave and almost dumped him til he played sad broken boy a few times.
Then i gave in.
All those red flags 23 years ago I saw but didnt walk.
Still living with them.
So Trust your gut is the answer.
Get that sheet of paper out write all your questions
Observe dont absorb and ask them a few at a time.
“I wanna know u before you have your hands all over me”
I said why should every man get to feel me up.
My body is sacred. I wanna know u 1st.
Engaging in sex to quick.
Just changes your ability to see clear.
I cant say it clear enough shoulders back head up fake the confidence if you need to because narcissist want weak broken woman they can control.
So put yourself in control but collect information before they do.
Answer there ? In short phrases. Not to much emotions.
In time you add more of that but u need to investigate these men.
After all 1 in 4 is a narcissist.
Most of them are loud charisimatic brag are ego based and over confident and very pushy and to forward bombarding your space.
Problem is the quieter humble ones are not that agressive and the narcissist bombards and goes for what they want.
I also find narcissist tend to objectify you from the beginning. Talk alot about your body sexual or materialistic things
Then the lovebombing is like a parrot.
I love romantic walks in the park.
Thats my favorite to.
If there good at everything love everything and dont say thats not my strongest suit or preference.
They have no weaknesses.
Just I am great at it all and seem alof in there own world bragging away and trying to change the subject
All bad signs.
I like to make a sheet of paper on what Leslie calls the big circle i think.
Where u know you your writeing your top 10 values like honesty kindness empathy giver humble etc to know you
Then you can use that in dating to rate them in those areas.
Be careful of ones also that are negative victims
No confidence. Maybe there broken but to much of that will suck u dry and there is no drive.
Good men care listen treat you like a lady seem to care in a humble way offer to help seem interested beyond grabbing at you and respect and dont buldoze down your boundaries and push u beyond your limits.
They answer your questions without changing the subject and are interested in you and trust your gut you will see it
Respect yourself.
If you google what a narcissist looks like when dating.
How to avoid dating narcissist and how a codependent and narcissist think different.
There is lots of clarity to see what they look like.
Nothing better than knowing what they look like.
This is one of the biggest things i learned. As codependents we loose ourselves to focus on what they want and need.
In dating I would hang onto God and myself.
This is my life and my body.
So have your own back.
Stand for you.
Notice and observe how do I feel looking at him.?
What is my reaction to what he says and does.
Look at that fear.
Validate that fear is second step
Acknowledge it with your hand on your heart brings u to yourself.
Observe them detached but notice your feeling reaction
3rd strip your feelings off because then u can see if your thinking from trama.
Strip it down to just facts thinking from prefrontal cortex rather than limbic emotional brain
So u can see the fact is he is rude
Or the fact is I am overreacting and he is doing nothing wrong
If you notice yourself looking at that man and not be hypervigilent on him.
Turn that on you noticeing your reaction to what he does.
Thats your work to heal by validating your feelings
without shame.
This looks like I am sorry self this brings up the trama wound. Of course I feel this way after what i have been through.
Comfort self is the best because
We all seek to be seen heard noticed that we matter.
But remember if we seek that from a man more than see hear and matter to ourselves.
Thats where the issue comes in.
In starting to date we need to see
hear
Notice and have us matter more in this investigating time.
We can be kind and the real us but only when trust is built should a man get the best of us.
To offen we give to much of us away to quick
Respect u.
These are all things i learned investigating these narcissist.
We got to be alet hold onto ourselves and stay a bit detached til we really no them
Because to much people pleasing needing there approval got us all here.
I first worked on myself and part of that was finding women to be on my support team. I sought coaching specific to betrayal trauma. My kids were in early adulthood so I found coaches to recommend to them. I offered to pay for it for a season and both took me up on the offer. Though I found support in others, this common coaching thread gave us the same language to be able to talk about our pain and progress. And of course prayer for God to provide safe people for my kids to open up to was priceless.
Great idea Teri to help your children with their own coaches so that you had words to describe not only the betrayal, but the impact and healing.
Leslie, I love the picture of you with your granddaughter in Italy! What a joy! I just had my 2 grandchildren for 2 weeks of Camp Nana and couldn’t agree more that it’s a blessing to be able to spend time with and have a positive impact on the next generation!
I’m not 100% sure I’ve ever completely gotten over my own betrayal trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on my own emotional, spiritual, relational and physical health, and feel confident that it’s not going to happen again. I certainly have lived a very happy life since my ex left 13 years ago, and I haven’t gone down the same road again. At some point I realized that the kind of man I’d want to be married to is a one in a million man, like Caleb and Joshua in the book of Numbers! And since I’m doing just fine and enjoying life as it is, I’ll keep an open mind, but trust that I’m fine without a man at this stage in life. If the Lord knows I can serve Him better with a one in a million man, He can bring him into my life, but at this point I’ve never felt more free, faithful and fruitful in serving the Lord as a single woman!