Morning friend,

I’m heading to Italy with my 13 year old granddaughter. We’re stopping in Rome, getting a big picture tour of the city, taking a cooking class at a family home and of course shopping, which is a necessary part of any 13 year old girl’s vacation. Later in the week we’ll be heading to the Amalfi coast to kayak, shop, and relax enjoying the beauty of the Italian coast.

These are very special memories I get to build with each of my granddaughters when they are young enough to want to hang out with me, and I’m young enough to still do it.
Prayers for our safety would be much appreciated.

Now to a much tougher topic.

This Week’s Question: My husband and I have been separated for 8 months, since I filed a restraining order for emotional/psychological abuse and coercive control. A week later I filed for a divorce. I have primary custody, but with a parenting plan that is under a temporary court order. Over the last several months, I have continued seeing a counselor, joined a support group, and been showered with love by my village (friends and family).

God has blessed my boys and I many times which has been a beautiful reminder that He is taking care of us. My husband has been seeing a therapist and has met periodically with one of our pastors. I feel and know that I have healed a lot, but I am still very sensitive to my husband’s tone and criticism. My boys assure me that their dad is “calm” now and doesn’t get angry or explode as he used to. But we all still “walk on eggshells” with him to varying degrees.

They want our family back together and seem to have forgotten how hard it was (and of course don’t understand how toxic it was). And while my husband has told me he is working on himself and wants to be this and that (change), and I have seen small shifts, I still don’t trust him or feel the change I need has happened.

He also has not apologized for the pain he caused all of us over the years and was more dismissive of the Restraining Order when I confronted him by asking what he thought drove me to file that.

My feeling is that, until he takes responsibility for the abuse, there isn’t any chance of starting over. I have been very clear that I am not going back, that our marriage is over. But I trust that God can heal and help us start over, I just don’t know if that will happen, or what that would look like. We started couples therapy with a Christian therapist last month as it seemed like the next step in doing whatever I can to work towards full healing and make every effort for my children.

The therapist proposed a Healing Separation for us, which is where we are at. The third session was so hard. She is working with us on improving our communication skills. She feels we will “know” over time. My therapist thinks my husband has narcissistic tendencies. I am trying everything I can and asking God for His guidance and clarity.

If we were to divorce, it would be financially devastating, requiring us to sell the family home. I would most likely need to get a different job to make more money, which would mean my kids would need to leave their school (as I work there), so it would completely blow up their life even more, and I fear they would hate me.

My husband has shared with them that he does not want to be separated, and wants to come home, so they hold me entirely responsible for our separation. I praise God that I still have a close relationship with both, but I am terrified of that changing. I want them to know and learn what healthy relationships and healthy boundaries look like, but I am not convinced that either road is going to accomplish that at this point. I don’t have clarity at all. What do I do in this situation?

Answer: Thank you for your question. First, you’ve accomplished a lot— give yourself a hug. You’re working with your own therapist on healing, and you have a good external support system. For now, you have a positive relationship with your boys, and it seems you do have clarity on what you need, want and don’t want if your marriage is to be reconciled. I don’t sense a lack of clarity with you. I think your desires and goals are healthy as well as clear. What I do sense is you lack certainty, and that creates fear for what the future might look like whether you reconcile or don’t reconcile.

I think all of us want to know the right path forward with a guarantee of a positive outcome for everyone. You seem especially worried that your boys will blame/hate you if you stick to what you need for a true reconciliation; that they will resent having to change schools or homes if your marriage is not repaired. You’re also worried that if you prematurely reconcile, they won’t learn healthy relationship skills and good boundaries. It feels like any path forward has DANGER AHEAD written on it.

And yes, there will be hardships, challenges, and obstacles, as well as gifts and blessings for you, your spouse and your boys, whatever decisions you make. There is no “perfect” path that exempts you from hard, hurt, and suffering. How your boys observe their parents dealing with the hard, the challenges, and the hurt will be crucial in their maturation and development as young men.

Therefore, based on the information you did share, let me give you some direction. First, you didn’t mention how old your boys are but if they are pre-teen, understand that as they get older, their relationship and attachment with their father will probably grow more important, and their connection to you a little less important for now. Don’t take it personally. It’s their need to identify with the masculine and desire to receive their father’s blessing.

You indicated that their dad wants to come home and your boys now hold you entirely responsible for the separation. That concerns me. Did they not experience or “see” what was going on that led to the restraining order? Judges don’t issue these orders for no good reason. How did you handle this dilemma with them? Have you reinforced the truth— that Dad is not in the home because of his own actions and inability to control his temper and tongue, not because you’re mean. Do they understand that you all need to feel safe and trust that their dad can manage his emotions when he gets angry or upset before he moves home? This subject is worth discussing with your boys because their ability to be healthy requires that they learn to control their own emotions when they are upset or don’t get what they want. It’s also important that they can see the separation not as punishment for dad, but relational and legal consequences for how he behaved. When you do things that scare and hurt others, people don’t want to be around you.

Second, you mentioned that you are beginning couples work starting with better communication skills. New skills may be needed at some point, but it feels like there is basic repair work that needs to be done. Remember, someone can be a smooth talker with great communication skills and still be manipulative, controlling and insensitive or indifferent to another’s needs and feelings.

How about you ponder this question. What consistent changes does he need to “show” you that will make communicating with him (or living with him) safe for you? In the past you’ve tiptoed around his moods and walked on eggshells. You don’t want to repeat that, so what needs to change?

Don’t necessarily give him your list or answer but instead invite him to answer the same question. “What changes do you think you need to make so that I feel safe expressing my feelings to you? My needs? My opinions? So I can trust you again?” See if he’s willing to do his work.

Third, you indicated that he is not all that interested in listening to the impact his behaviors have had on you and the boys. What does that tell you? It’s true, listening to how you have hurt and harmed someone is not a fun experience. Yet it is necessary for you to share this with him, and for him to be willing to hear it, if things are going to be different in your marriage going forward. Marriage is always about two people. From what you’ve described, he’s operated more from a me position versus a we position— “my needs, my wants, and my feelings” — and he’s been rather indifferent or uncaring towards yours. If he’s truly repentant, greater self-awareness of the harm he’s caused should break his heart and lead him to want to love better. If he continues to resist, don’t pressure him, but notice his unwillingness, because it’s important information for your next decisions.

Last, as I mentioned earlier, as your boys grow older, they will naturally seek the affirmation and blessing of their father as men. This is not about their relationship with you. However, if you sense alienation taking place, or the boys being pressured to “choose” sides, this is a red flag. Sometimes when the marriage is not going well, or ends, one parent will create an unhealthy dependency/bond on the children to get their own needs met. Continuing to foster open communication with your boys, respecting their autonomy as they get older as well as having your own boundaries in healthy ways, can help them discern the difference between healthy parent and unhealthy parent. That doesn’t mean that your boys won’t be tempted to gravitate to the unhealthy parent, especially if that parent has more money, less rules or restrictions, and is more fun. But you stay calm, empathetic, and grounded with good healthy boundaries and they will see a difference.

Hopefully as your husband is willing to do his work and the men of your church are modeling healthy godly men, your sons won’t experience the unhealthy part of your husband with his temper and coercive control. All of you know what it “feels” like to walk on eggshells around him. Continuing to dialogue with them around what that feels like and continue to reinforce that no one should have to live with someone that they are afraid of.

Remember, you don’t control the outcome, but you do have choices on the path and the process. I love the verse in Proverbs 20:24 “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” It helps me walk in faith and trust the outcome to God.

Friend, when you live with uncertainty, not knowing for sure which path to take, what helps you calm down, start taking steps forward, and trust God with the outcome?