I Feel Guilty for Wanting to Leave, but Is It Guilt?
Morning Friend,
I’m traveling to the Called to Peace Retreat in North Carolina. If you’re going to be there, please stop me and say hello. In May I have a big month of travel and I’d appreciate your prayers for health and safety.
This week’s Question: I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years, and we have a 3-year-old daughter. Sometimes I am not sure if we just have a tough marriage, or if it is abuse. Although so many people have told me that it is abuse and I often describe it as such, it is hard to come to terms with it. I am constantly criticized over little things and am told that I need to do better. His big thing when things get really heated is screaming directly into my ear and telling our daughter to not act like mommy, or I hope you don’t grow up like mommy etc.
My Pastor’s wife has been counseling me over the past year and while she holds fast to the Bible in stating that she will not advocate for divorce, she also will not advocate for anyone to stay in this situation. I have met with her, and she patiently has waited until I have made the decision to separate.
However, as soon as we found a place for me to stay, I backed out for some reason. Why do I feel so much guilt for wanting to leave? Sometimes I wonder if that is what God wants me to do. I don’t want to go against God’s will, but I’m not sure what that is. I don’t know if my guilt is coming from my conscience (the Spirit) saying it’s wrong to leave, or if it is purely emotionally driven.
Answer: Thanks for sharing your question. Your dilemma is another example of feeling guilty about something but you’re not sure what. Like last week’s question, guilt can be informative. It can warn us that we are violating God’s moral law and help us make better choices. You asked why you feel so much guilt for wanting to leave? I’m curious too, why you would feel guilty for wanting to leave an oppressive and abusive situation? Desiring safety and security, especially in your home is a normal, God-given desire. You also wondered if your guilt feelings are coming from “conviction” by the Holy Spirit or maybe something else that’s more emotionally driven. But you didn’t mention what emotion you think might be behind or underneath your feelings. It’s a great question to explore with yourself. Give yourself some credit for noticing what was going on inside of you.
Part of your growth through this difficult/destructive marriage is to learn to listen to not only what God says to you but what your body tells you. Your bodily sensations got stirred up when you had the opportunity to leave…and because of those “feelings” you backed out. It’s good to be curious as to why you did that.
Temporarily you’ve labeled your feelings as guilt. Perhaps that’s true. But could a better word for what you’re feeling be anxiety and fear? If you leave, you’re anxious around what will people say or what he might do. You fear being alone or living alone. Or instead of guilt, maybe the feeling you had is closer to shame and embarrassment that you couldn’t fix your marriage or change him or that he treats you in such a degrading way in front of your child? Does any of that feel more true than guilt?
It sounds like your pastor’s wife has wisely worked with you in the both/and space of our Christian experience. Yes, we want to honor God and keep our promises and covenant, and we do not want to live with someone who consistently disrespects, devalues, demeans and degrades us, and who may be teaching our children to do likewise. How you wrestle with both things that are true is your work to do.
From the examples you gave it seems you’re clear that his behaviors are abusive. But what’s making it so hard for you to accept that truth and take the appropriate steps to protect yourself? Again, it seems more like fear and shame might be the culprits here rather than guilt.
I’m curious what you think would happen if you told your husband that his constant criticism and screaming at you in front of your daughter are not okay. I’m not suggesting that you do that, because just thinking about it may give you your answer. I imagine you’ve already tried speaking up and have learned he doesn’t stop it. It only escalates him and creates more stress and danger for you.
Let me ask you, what do you believe God expects from you as a wife? As a godly woman? Do you think God wants you to lay down your life and your daughter’s mental and emotional well-being so that you both can be punching bags for his emotional dysregulation? Does that benefit him? Help you? Help your daughter grow more godly, healthy, or strong? No, No, No. It’s a lose/lose cycle. Please do not think God asks you to sacrifice your well-being only to enable his sin and immaturity to continue without consequence. But what is the consequence? When words like “Please stop. Ouch. Don’t talk to me that way, that hurts” don’t have any impact on him, then hard reality is your best next step. What’s that reality? He loses the privilege of close relationship when he treats you abusively and will not stop. Taking care of yourself and leaving his presence can become his wake-up call and invitation to repentance. No guarantees, but that’s the next healthy right step forward.
Which means, you may need to do some of your own work to get strong and healthy enough to do it. Your own internal fear stories, fear of being alone, fear of failure. Fear of his reaction. Fear of the loss of your dream, of what you thought you had together may keep you locked in an emotional storm every bit as much as his abuse. Therefore, I’d encourage you to take this bump in the road where you put the brakes on your opportunity to leave and use it as a learning and growth time for you to let go of the guilt trip as well as any fear and shame, and grow to be strong enough internally to love yourself, your daughter and him with grace and truth.
Friend, we’ve been talking about guilt and that perhaps it is not the right word for what you feel. What have you found when you’ve gotten curious and focused on doing your own work as you see where you get stuck in stewarding your own safety and well-being?
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I was drawn to this post because I too often question my “guilt.” I have been with my husband 30 years and married for 23. I have three children 15, 17, and 22. My husband has been a good provider most of the time and he has not cheated on me. But he has criticized me, made me feel worthless and unloved by God, humiliated me in front of my kids, and at times been physically abusive. I made a pact with myself that if he hit me again I would leave him. He hit me again in August of last year and I began to stay true to my word and planned to leave. I contacted a DV advocate. Started slowly moving my things to a storage as I dropped the kids off at school in the morning, applied for a job (and got it), found a house, signed a lease. I did all of this by the following February (so it took me 6 months almost exactly). All of that. Then when he found out, he kept calling and telling me how much he loved me and did not want to loose me and would change. I knew in my inside self it was the wrong thing to do but I felt so guilty and went back home. I made the condition that I could keep my job and visit my parents once a month and that I would not accept hitting and name calling. He has not since hit me (maybe once actually). So now I am so disappointed in myself. I am in a marriage that I no longer want to be in but feel to guilty to leave. I feel as though I just don’t have the energy to do it all again. I feel I took so many steps backward from where I was. So I could and can still relate to this post. Thank you.
Carmen, I can perfectly relate to the original woman and to your post as well. I wanted to let you know a few things. Unfortunately, when you told him your boundaries especially about no hitting, and then you allowed him to hit you again and you did not hold to your word and leave him again, you taught him right then that your boundaries are not real, you don’t mean them. And so now, he won’t stop. It’s a huge mistake we all make. I can’t see into your future , but at the same time I kind of can, because I have been there. Let me ask you a question that I had to ask myself. Do you think in staying, that you can be the best Christian you can be in this marriage? Or is the position he keeps you in cause you to have sinful thoughts and actions? Does it chisel away at your faith? For me, it was turning me into a person I hated. I could not function as a Godly woman inside those walls. And the words of Leslie completely changed my thought process. She said once, do you really believe God loves your marriage status more than He loves you???? Of. Course He doesn’t! Jesus came to give us life and to the full. Are you receiving life to the full with this man? Are you able to be the person you want to be inside this marriage? And do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal and go out and find a spouse just like yours? If you choose to sit in guilt, let it be guilt for your kids not seeing what a healthy marriage looks like. But God prefers you not live in guilt. Read the woman at the well passage over and over again until you actually get it. If Jesus was going to condemn women for leaving abusive marriages, He would have preached to her right then about it. What He did was love her and forgive her. And He does the same thing for you. So drop the guilt because it’s not Biblical. God promises a better life. So walk in the belief of His promises and take the next step into His promises. Much love to you!!
I feel for you and know exactly where you’re coming from. My husband is a pastor of our church and we’ve been married 13 years. He is and I believe will always be controlling, manipulative, critical, and my marriage has been emotionally, sometimes physically, and spiritually abusive. When I found a text from another woman in Feb, that was it for me. I made the decision to leave, move in with my daughter and son in law, and look for a house. However it’s been super hard because NOW I’m the love of his life, he can’t live without me, he will change, I never gave him a chance to change, I abandoned him, I’m ruining the church. and on and on it goes. All of which is blame shifting. However my guilt for leaving him so suddenly was hi and I asked the Lord to forgive me and the Lord always brought me back to what it was like living with him. I’m not called to suffer for his sin. I’m 68 and starting my new life in the Lord and you can do it too. Many times I thought about going back because of how hurt he was and still is when I left. But then I’m reminded that he wasn’t concerned about me when I was there and he had control of me. I know in my heart I cannot ever go back to that and I put one foot forward each day in the Lord. We won’t be divorced yet for another month, but I bought a house and will move in soon. God will provide and guide you. God will also give you strength. He loves us so.
I’m proud of you…you did a lot of brave things! If he violated the terms of your reconciliation, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about leaving. He should feel guilty for blowing his second and last chance!! It’s very common for abusers to cry crocodile tears when they suffer consequences, they claim, convinvincingly, that they’ll change. It rarely happens. You did it before, you can do it now. You know how. You already have the job. You’re in a better position this time. Have you filed a police report about the physical abuse incident? Please do so.
Carmen,
I did the same thing. 2
Almost 26 years married and he has a personality disorder and alcoholism. He’s verbally, emotionally and spiritually abusive to me. He has thankfully not physically harmed me. But he manipulates, belittles, rages and criticizes constantly. It’s so miserable. I left in Sept 23 and he convinced me to come home the last day of January 24. I had signed a lease and moved into ah apartment. He paid me out of my lease with promises and commitments to change. Here we are 13 months later and nothing is better. I feel like a fool for believing him and having hope. I wish I had stayed gone. I just don’t feel like I even have the energy to go through it again, but I know I need to. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to divorce. But, of course! Why would he? He isn’t the one being abused every day. I hope you can find strength. Please pray for me and I will pray for you.
statistics show on average it takes 7 times leaving for a woman to leave an abusive marriage for good. Please take care of yourself and trust what he shows you. His “I’m sorrys” after doing things he shouldn’t over the years have trained your brain to feel guilty and sorry for him. But, the actions he does over and over again shows you there is no permanent change or desire to change. Be well.
I am in tears reading this post and the comments. I am a pastors wife in a a 27 year marriage to a man who is mentally and emotionally abusive. He has cheated or is cheating on me . He is manipulative and controlling. Using his role as pastor to bolster his authority. He also drinks excessively The thing that I wrestle with myself the most is that I have a masters degree in social work. So much of what Leslie says in her videos and blogs I would probably tell someone if they came to me for counseling. I have even gone to therapy myself. The question is why can’t I take action for myself. We were not able to have children so that is not something that is holding me. However, the sense of commitment to someone who is clearly not committed to me is overwhelming. Also, my commitment to the ministry that was started in our home also is a factor. Also, admittedly, there is that sense of shame and embarrassment of not being who we projected to be on the outside is not who we are in private. I am at the point that when he is away I have more peace than when he is at home. I just want out .
Tina, I’m a pastor’s wife. I know personally all of those feelings. I love the people of my church and how could I leave? Knowing some will not understand. I finally after these years decided I couldn’t be a hypocrite any longer. Sitting and listening to my husband teach and preach, knowing he had just talked to his girl friend that morning by text. We want to protect our husbands, because that’s how God made us. But when our husbands are in sin and continue in sin and are un repentant, God calls us to the truth. No matter how hard that is. I went to the elders of our church and told them everything. I had already decided I was divorcing and not going to put up with this any more. My counselor made a wise statement and said that after I told them, it’s up to them how to handle my husband and the church. After I left and it was announced I was filing for divorce, (which was Biblical by the way) I did not tell people of the church what happened, just that they know me and it had to be something drastic to make me leave. They have known looking at our relationship that things were not right in our marriage and years. My husband never showed affection to me in church. We always drove separately.
That was 8 weeks ago. Some assumed the guilty party was me, some got together with me and knew my heart, even though if they were still going to church there, I didn’t tell them everything. Things are not well at the church, but that’s for our great God to handle. There are consequences to sin, and my husband is finding those out now and I’m praying the Lord will use this to change his heart.
I’m just so proud of you , sister in Christ, for seeing the reality of your situation and using your God-given courage to remove yourself from that abusive life. It can’t be easy and I’m sure sometimes lonely but very loving of yourself and husband. God sees you!
Tina and Rebecca,
Do your pastor husbands not have Paul’s letters to Timothy in their Bibles? Is there a board of elders to which he is accountable? It is a shame to God for men who claim to shepherd the flock of God to behave in such ways. They must be held accountable to someone….no? Especially accountable to God for their sinful behavior. I am so very sorry for what you are having to go through, but I pray that you will find a way to hold these men accountable for their sinful behavior. Grace be with you.
I am in a wonderful relationship with my husband, so this doesn’t apply there. However, it does apply to my relationship that I had with my mother. I kept thinking that God called me to take my mother’s abuse because that was being a good daughter (Honor your mother and father). My mother would tell me that I was too sensitive, being dramatic, and that relationships are not about feelings (yet she would make it a point to convey that no one should hurt her feelings). She was critical and cruel with her words, as well as manipulative. I ended up with mental and physical health complications. Now, I know that God does not want us to be someone’s punching bag and that their consequences are their own. I am grateful that I have come upon this information even if I didn’t see it in time to save myself sooner. Thank you for all of the information and strength to assess emotional and verbal abuse in a more accurate way; and know that God does not delight, nor does he want us to continue to subject ourselves, to the abuse perpetrated on us in any relationship.
Este blog llego a mi vida en un momento de tomar decisiones por lo cual estoy muy agradecida con Dios. Nuestro Padre siempre busca la manera de llamar nuestra atención para darnos dirección. Yo estoy separada desde hace seis meses de un esposo manipulador y con problemas de actitud, depresión y ansiedad. Me sentí por mucho tiempo en la necesidad de honrar a Dios aguantando su maltrato verbal y justificándolo por su enfermedad. En dos ocasiones descubrí que tenia mensajes con otras mujeres y cuando lo confronte, el juraba que solo eran compañeras que lo apoyaban y yo lo justificaba. Por otro lado cargaba el estigma de que en mi familia y generaciones ha habido muchos divorcios y yo pensaba que podia terminar la maldición generacional para que no recayera en mis hijas, asi que aguante. Vivimos juntos por 39 a;os y muchas veces nos separamos pero volvíamos. Yo me sentía culpable de quitarle a mis hijas a su padre y tenia miedo de empezar sola, porque siempre ha sido un buen proveedor. Hace 1 a;o nos cambiamos de pais de residencia porque así lo habíamos planeado, pero seis meses después de su llegada, decidió regresar, eso me decepciono mucho, pero al mismo tiempo entendí que esto venia de parte de Dios porque yo no me atrevía a separarme. Durante estos meses he trabajado mucho en mi identidad en Cristo y me siento libre y en paz y no voy a mentir, lo extrano. Pero como dije al principio este es un tiempo de decisiones para mi y estoy orando para entender si debo o no volver con el sabiendo que no va a cambiar, pero habiendo cambiado yo.