Guard Your Heart By Detaching From Destructive People
Hello, my Friends! It is a busy time as the school year comes to a close. I live near an elementary school where the children just experienced their last day. From my patio, I could hear hooping and hollering, the sounds of kazoos, and the screams of delight. There is a freedom to summer that children seem to long for. The freedom to ‘just be’ is a feeling I delight in as well. I long for you all to live in that freedom to just be yourselves and who God created you to be. I pray that you feel His care so that your soul can rest in Him.
Today's questions come from comments on a May post. The concept of detachment can be tricky and confusing. So let’s take a deeper dive into what it really means to guard your heart by detaching from a destructive person in your life.
Today’s Questions: I understand that stonewalling is detrimental to a relationship – but honestly, I found it necessary. When my husband would criticize me, or yell at me the only way I could keep myself from responding in kind was to “stonewall” or emotionally detach from what was happening. I thought I was controlling my anger so that it wouldn’t be destructive to the relationship. What’s the alternative?
How do you “guard your heart?” What does that look like practically? I feel like the only way I know how to do that with my husband is to distance myself from him as much as possible but then that seems like the silent treatment. What does a healthy version of “guarding your heart” look like?
Susan’s Response: I appreciate your willingness to ask further questions about emotional detachment and guarding your heart. Often in my work with women who are in destructive relationships, I hear them describe self-protection as building a wall around the heart and avoiding interaction with the destructive person. While going ‘no contact’ may be a necessary form of finding safety, that is not always the case. When you have chosen for some form of relationship to continue, how can you manage healthy detachment and guard your heart biblically?
Proverbs 4:20-27 (The Message) Dear friend, listen well to my words; tune your ears to my voice. Keep my message in plain view at all times. Concentrate! Learn it by heart! Those who discover these words, really live; body and soul, they are bursting with health. Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step and the road will stretch out smoothly before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.
These verses give instruction on how to guard your heart. In other words, destructive people bring distractions and chaos into life. As a believer, you must keep your eyes fixed forward on Jesus Christ. You will be tempted to become deformed in your character if you allow the destruction to take control of your heart, which includes your mind, emotions, and will. You must remain in Christ in order to maintain your CORE strength. When you notice evil on life’s path, don’t engage with it; keep walking past it. In doing these things, you will keep your heart safe.
What does this look like practically? Here are some things that you can practice in each moment with the Holy Spirit's help. Manage your emotions by paying attention to them, get curious about why they are happening, and regulate their intensity so that you can think clearly. Keep your mind clear of fixed negative thoughts, faulty or limiting beliefs, and other people’s opinions. Be intentional about life and honoring your values. Know your boundaries and hold yourself accountable to maintain them. Know God and His purpose for your life so that you can align your will to His will.
Guarding your heart can be accomplished by following Paul’s teaching in 1 Thessalonians 5:17; “Pray Continually”. By pursuing intimate communication with God, you can gain protection, direction, and peace in each moment, even as you love someone who may feel like your enemy. (Matthew 5:44)
When talking about healthy detachment, I am not referring to building up a stone wall to keep someone out of your life or hiding behind a stone wall because your emotions are too intense. In order to be healthy, it is important to regulate emotions so that you are not controlled by your feelings. It is equally important to use assertiveness to address issues in relationships, which may either be carried out in a verbal conversation or a quiet but active response.
Here are some ways you can begin to detach in a productive manner. Let go of your desire to set the record straight. Stop your pursuit of trying to get a destructive person to see their need for change. Let go of your need to be understood by a destructive person. Detach from other’s opinions of you. Release any emotions that you may be holding on to that are harming you. Disengage from other’s thoughts that are in your head. Let go of beliefs that don’t belong to you. Quit your need for others to be ok in order for you to be ok. Break away from your need for other people’s approval. Cease your efforts to convince, convict, or correct someone else who has not invited you to do so. Step out of destructive dynamics and conversations. Detach from any fixed outcomes you may be holding on to.
Have you been able to fully trust other human beings to make you feel ok? Likely not; this is a disappointing and futile pursuit. Where do you put your trust? Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.”
God established the church (the body of Christ) in order to foster interdependence. We are called to love and help one another. However, we are not called to be responsible for others in a codependent relationship. And while we are called to be responsible for ourselves, we are not called to live in isolation, independent from others. But how could you create interdependence with someone who is destructive and does not participate in a mutual relationship? The short answer is, you can't.
As long as you continue to try to prompt or convince another person to be mutually dependable in the areas of harmony, balance, and self-improvement, you will be disappointed. Therefore, it is crucial to wisely discern which people in your life are willing and able to offer a relationship built on mutual reliance. This allows you to detach from expectations that your destructive other will be who you want them to be or even who God calls them to be.
Guarding your heart means protecting it, as much as you are able, from anything that will harm you or lead you astray. When your heart is safe and protected, your soul can find rest in God’s loving kindness. This will allow you to live in the freedom of who God has purposed you to be.
Be well!
Beloved readers, how do you use biblical principles to guard your heart and detach from destructive people in your life?
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This is me! Thank you Lord for providing this post the moment that I needed it.
God is good, Cheryl!
Thank you for positing this. I have been going thru a painful separation and the divorce should be final any day. Even tho most things are settled I didn’t realize how the abuse would continue. This blog was extremely helpful. I need to reset how I look at things and firmly accept who he is and that he does not have my or the children’s best interest in mind. Heart breaking but must accept who he is showing up as so I am not constantly in pain which does not serve myself or the world around me.
Heartbreaking, indeed! I pray that God holds your heart and helps you heal.
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been really struggling with detachment as well. As I’ve grown stronger in CORE I’ve been able to notice everything I’ve done to enable my h to continue to sin against me. I know this is not sustainable for my health and well being. So thankful for Leslie’s teachings and this group!
Keep strengthening your CORE and take care of your heart, Lara.
I must not only detach from the destructive person, I must attach (or attach more deeply) to God. I must let go of any allusion that the destructive person will ever, can ever meet my deepest needs. Only God can do that. The more I attach to a person with the belief that they can meet my needs if they would just change or if I was somehow different, the more power they can have over me and the more I will strive (in vain) to make it happen. The more I deeply attach to the love of God, His presence and provision for my needs, the less threatened I am by the destructive person and I am more able to respond to their destructive behavior with wisdom. This is how I work out Proverbs 29:25.
Yes, Lisa! So well said. We can find secure attachment in Him.
So good and helpful! Hard to live that fine line though.
I love the deep focus of this question, and it’s seeking after godliness, yet still protecting oneself. Karen, such nuggets of commonsense and wisdom. I’m sure to bookmark the detailed answers in context, of how to depend upon God, and take action steps.
It is, Karen. Keep training!
Just to add something about the “stonewalling “. Using the ‘gray rock’ idea where one doesn’t engage but simply gives minimal conversation on a more superficial level has helped me. I’m not ignoring my h but I’m protecting myself from his attitudes. He will absolutely stonewall me and it makes me so uncomfortable! When he does decide to talk to me , by not engaging in a fight, (which is often what he wants,) the simple gray rock approach has been such a relief. It has helped me bless him who curses me. Keeping an attitude of kindness while detaching in a quiet way can be hard with someone who is antagonistic! Prayers for you all who go through this and struggle with detaching in a healthy way!
I agree. It’s progress not perfection. To live in such a destructive marriage, a person is not gonna be able to sustain living in core 24/7. Therefore there will be continued times of pain where one must just endure, because we’re not perfect in sustaining healthy detachment. That is reality…we walk a fine line as a human.
This is profound. Truly a different paradigm than what many, including myself, have learned. I have studied detachment, but this is the most in-depth explanation I’ve ever come across. So much truth packed into it!
I will have to print it out and post it where I can read it often. Changing one’s mindset takes time.
Thanks for your comments, Jane!
So very helpful. I did the exact same thing in my marriage. Now that I’m divorced and reflecting back, I know my passivity was the problem on my side of the street. This explains so clearly what I was feeling. Did not want to answer in anger so stayed silent. Fear of man. I’ve learned from Conquer that was peace faking, not peace keeping! Also am encouraged by the idea of loving the freedom to be me.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Marylou! What could be different if you really stepped into the freedom to be you?
Oh WOW! JUST WOWED BY THIS. 3 yrs out from divorce after 50 yr marriage. Explains EVERYTHING❤️❤️THANK YOU SWEET JESUS FOR THIS
Glad to have you in the LV&Co community, Annie!
Thank you so much Susan!
This is just what I needed today.
Like Jane, I need to print this out and refer to it over and over again.
I want to become more of my authentic self and less the hostage of someone else’s critical and blaming opinions or unreasonable demands.
I’ve lost touch with my heart due to all of the problem-solving, living in my head too much and becoming too fear-based.
My heart is my soul and will be eternal. I cannot neglect my eternal soul in exchange for constantly trying to control temporal chaos, cruelty, neglect and resulting pain.
Thank you for allowing Holy Spirit to work through you to bring this help! I really needed to hear all of this and pray that God will move in my heart and soul to bring about His will for my life!!! I am thankful for this! To God be the GLORY!!!! ❤️🙏🏾🙌🏽
Wise words, Sherry! Thanks for commenting.
Hi and thank you for this Susan.
After doing ETC in your group I tried to implement going grey rock when my significant other was practicing countering but then noticed my anxiety significantly increased so after a while I felt to avoid contact as much as possible instead. This seems to be working better than giving no response when I am upset. I think he sensed that he was still upsetting me anyway and was playing on that.
I am dealing with someone who I believe has covert narcissism.
Thank you for the further insights. I did read your last article on this topic too. Both have been helpful.
Which of Leslie’s courses if any specifically address this in more depth please?
I think I will also print this email out to remind me.
Thanks again.
Hi Lynette! Thanks for your comment. Walking in CORE Strength is our 3 month coaching group that is launching soon and will run this fall, starting in September. This course can help you build back that parts of you that were lost due to a narcissistic relationship, clarify your boundaries and practice carrying them out, move toward acceptance of what is true about that type of relationship and detaching in healthy ways, as well as help you take your safety and wellbeing seriously even when others don’t. It is not specifically for narcissistic relationships however, and will not focusing on changing anyone but you. I would love to have us join for another coaching group! Also, the Conquer Education and Support Group opens soon as well. You would certainly find solid information and support or other’s who are experiencing a similar relationship in that program. Watch for Leslie and the coaches to go live on her public page next month with more information and check your email for details.
I’m so grateful for Leslie & Co. and all who provide us with such great support and helpful advice.
Building on how *not* guarding our hearts can deform us, I have another perspective about this passage and how to guard our hearts:
“Keep vigilant watch over YOUR heart; that’s where life starts. Don’t talk out of both sides of YOUR mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep YOUR eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch YOUR step and the road will stretch out smoothly before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”
I interpret this as being instructions for us, personally. We are responsible to keep our hearts free from our OWN temptations, fears, sins, and self-destructive desires and behaviors. We’re to keep our focus on Jesus and not allow our OWN deceitful hearts to lead us astray.
Indeed, being in constant communication with Jesus through the Spirit is key. Love the verses you cited! Here’s another one:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will *guard your hearts* and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:6-7
Jesus, our Good Shepherd, is faithful and will guide and protect his own (from others and from ourselves), if we stay close to Him. Praise God for His indescribable gift!
Thank you for those scriptures and your wise words, Suzanne!