Feeling Misunderstood in Your Marriage? 4 Biblical Ways to Respond with Clarity and Peace
Dear Beloved Reader,
April is a month that whispers of newness—buds on the trees, longer days, the promise of new life after a long winter. For many, it’s a season of growth and fresh starts. But for others, especially women navigating emotionally complex marriages, this season can stir something deeper: a longing for renewal not just in nature, but in relationships, in emotional clarity, and in peace at home.
As life blossoms around you, maybe you’re noticing what still feels stuck or strained in your closest relationship. Maybe you're growing stronger in your own voice, braver in your boundaries, and clearer about what is—and isn't—your responsibility. But still, the same patterns persist. You speak gently, but you're misunderstood. You try to create peace, but tension still walks in the room before you do. I get it!
This month, I want to hold space for you—for the precious woman doing the deep heart work. For the one growing in wisdom, even when change feels slow. For the one learning to stand firm without becoming hard, to speak truth without losing tenderness. I see you, I feel you. I hear you. I am on this journey with you!
Let’s walk this out together—grounded and growing in grace, rooted in truth, and with our eyes fixed on the One who sees it all clearly. We need one another! I need yall!
Reader Question:
I am growing stronger every day, and your resources have helped me so much. I'm learning to stand up for myself. Mostly, I'm learning that my husband's moods are his choosing and not my fault. I'm learning not to walk on eggshells and take care of myself.
But my husband sometimes determines that he knows how I'm feeling. Usually, he assumes I'm in a bad mood or upset with him. No matter how much I protest, he clings to the idea that I'm mad or upset about something and then responds based on that assumption. He gets moody, snarky, defensive. If I tell him I'm not mad, he says, ‘I know you better than you know yourself,' or, ‘I know what you're thinking.'
Last night, I tried to present an idea that might help us with our house. He had all sorts of reasons why it wouldn't work. He kept explaining and explaining until I said, ‘OK, I get it.' He got snarky at that response and said I was attacking him. He does this frequently—he wears me down.
This morning, I walked into the bedroom to get dressed and the first thing he said was, ‘What's your problem?' He then spent the next two hours in a mood because he thought I was mad. I tried to be as light-hearted as I could. I really wasn't mad. A little miffed that he slept until 11 again—but not angry. I just wanted to get dressed and get things done. I didn't know where his comment came from. I probably had a quizzical look on my face. I insisted I wasn't mad, but he wouldn't buy it. I stayed out of his way and let him have his mood, all the while self-talking that I did nothing wrong (or did I?).
Later, after an hour of silence, he joked about walking on eggshells. I couldn't tell if he meant me or him. Why does he do this? Why does he create in his mind what he thinks I'm feeling and then react accordingly? What should be my response? How do I take care of myself? Should I be doing something to help him feel better? I'm really not an angry person. I'm contemplative, an introvert, a thinker—and unfortunately, I have a face that frowns a lot. 🙁
LeAnne’s Response: Girlfriend, Let’s Talk About What’s Really Going On!
Dear Sister,
First, can we just take a breath together? A deep, slow and restorative breath.
I read your words slowly, more than once. Not because I needed to—but because I wanted to really hear you. To sit in the quiet space with you where you're sorting through all of this—the strength you're stepping into, the confusion you're carrying, the weight of wondering, “Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Should I be doing more?”
You’re not alone in asking those questions. And I want to say this right from the start:
I see your growth. I hear your heart. And you’re doing hard, beautiful work. You inspire me!
You’re learning to name what’s true: His moods are not your fault. That’s big. And you’re learning not to walk on eggshells, to stay present in your own spirit, to tend to your heart in the middle of emotional chaos. That’s not easy. That’s courageous.
So let’s unpack this together, not with judgment or pressure, but with curiosity and grace.
Let’s Talk About the Pattern
What you’re describing—this cycle where your husband decides you’re upset, won’t believe your truth, and then acts out based on his version of what’s happening—is not just frustrating. It’s emotionally exhausting.
And here’s what I want to name gently but clearly:
That’s not healthy communication.
He’s reading something on your face, or in your silence, or in your tone, and deciding, “She’s mad,” or “She’s attacking me,” even when you’re not. He is telling himself all kinds of stories.
That puts you in a no-win situation. You try to explain, to stay light, to defuse… and still, he’s moody, defensive, withdrawn. And then you start wondering, “Maybe I’m not being light enough. Maybe I should’ve smiled. Maybe it’s my fault he’s having a bad day.”
Friend, that’s a loop of emotional wear-down. It’s a treadmill you don’t need to run on anymore. Let’s get on solid ground together.
Here’s What’s True
You are allowed to have a neutral expression.
You are allowed to be contemplative, introverted, and thoughtful.
You are allowed to say, “I’m not upset,” and not have to defend it ten more times.
You don’t owe anyone proof of your emotional state. And you certainly don’t owe anyone the job of keeping their mood in balance.
That’s not love. When someone leans too heavily on another to feel okay emotionally or expects their partner to fix their feelings, read their mind, or take responsibility for their moods this can feel exhausting—like you’re constantly adjusting yourself just to keep the peace.
God didn’t design relationships to function this way. Scripture reminds us in Galatians 6:5 that each of us is responsible for our own load. Healthy love invites connection, not control. You can be compassionate without being responsible for your husband's emotional world.
You are learning to step out of unhealthy patterns—which is why it feels disorienting right now.
What You Can Do
You asked, “What should be my response?” and “Should I be doing something to help him feel better?”
Here’s where I want to slow things down and ask:
- What would it feel like to stop trying to convince him of your truth?
- What would it look like to lovingly step away when the assumptions begin?
- What might change if you stopped matching his energy—and started holding onto yours? You have agency. So does he.
You don’t have to debate. You don’t have to defend. You can pause, pray and calmly say:
- “I’m not upset, and I won’t keep trying to convince you.”
- “If you’d like to talk when things feel calmer, I’m open to that.”
- “I can’t carry how you’re feeling. I trust you to take care of that.”
- It’s up to you whether or not you believe me”.
It might feel awkward at first. Unnatural. Maybe even cold. But it’s not cold—it’s clear. It’s respectful. And it’s the kind of boundary that allows both people to own what belongs to them. I often share with the gals I coach, that CLEAR IS KIND. It’s not always easy, yet it does give glory to God, and growth to our spirits.
And, About That Guilt…
You asked if you should be doing something to help him feel better. I hear the heart behind that—it’s tender. You want peace. You want connection. You want to show up as someone who loves well.
Here’s what I want you to know:
Helping someone carry their emotional load is very different from carrying it for them.
You’re not responsible for how he chooses to interpret your tone, your face, or your silence. You can offer empathy, but you can’t rewrite his narrative for him.
And you don’t have to.
You’re Not Crazy. You’re Becoming Clear.
This kind of growth takes time—and truthfully, it often feels lonelier before it feels lighter. Sister-mine you’re on the path. You’re doing the work. And you are not wrong for wanting to live with peace in your heart and clarity in your home.
When Jesus walked among us, He didn’t allow false assumptions to redefine His identity. In fact, John 8:14 reminds us:
“Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going.”
That’s what emotional clarity sounds like. Jesus didn’t over-explain. He didn’t TRY to convince. He simply stood in the truth of who He was.
And dear friend, you can too.
Let the Word of God speak over your heart:
- Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
- Isaiah 30:15 – “In quietness and trust is your strength.”
- Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
These verses are not just encouragement—they are permission. To step out of confusion. To guard your heart with wisdom. To live in the pause, through prayer, inviting peace, not pretense.
You’re not here to carry his confusion.
You’re here to live in truth.
And that’s a holy, sacred thing.
Ready to keep growing in clarity, courage, and Christ-centered confidence? Click here to learn more and join the Conquer journey.
Beloved readers: Have you ever felt the pressure to “prove” your emotions—or fix someone else’s feelings to keep the peace? What does it look like for you to guard your heart, stand in truth, and still reflect Christ in emotionally challenging moments?
You’re invited to share your thoughts below—or journal them with the Lord this week. He sees. He knows. He’s not confused about who you are. You are deeply loved and supported.
~ Coach LeAnne
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Another inspired answer LeAnne, thank you!
I share this reader’s experience, as I’m sure many others do.
I have experienced the same frustrations, the same false guilt, the same blame and burdens for his moods and behaviors being placed on me…and I’m learning to respond as you suggest.
My recent experiences increasingly leave me wondering whether my husband is moving toward self inflicted dementia, through his habits of alcohol overuse and unhealthy thinking and behaviors.
I wonder whether I have the physical, mental, and emotional capacity, much less desire, to be his caregiver for the next several decades, when there is no emotional connection or reciprocity in our “ relationship “.
On a daily basis, he will deny his actions, sometimes within minutes of saying or doing something harmful, or insist he did or said something he definitely didn’t do, such as telling me his work travel and entertainment plans. I immediately write down any information he gives me, yet he’ll insist he gave me info he absolutely did not share, or changes plans from the dates he told me, then insists that he gave me the correct information, when he didn’t. He’ll tell me about social events, and then “ uninvite” me because he says I’m “ not doing enough for him”.
Here is my follow up question:
What do you do next?
When you’ve internalized what your boundaries are, and what is and is not your responsibility; when you’ve communicated all the ways, in clarity, kindness, and compassion; when you’ve detached from taking responsibility for his moods; but nothing changes in the relationship, or in your husband’s behavior toward you….then what?
I’m working on working on myself, toward my future. I try to avoid going down the rabbit hole of wondering whether there’s ONE more thing I can say or do, that will FINALLY lead to the change in his behavior that could lead to a healthy relationship.
In other words, I’ve given up hope. I don’t have a marriage, I have a ministry; I don’t have a marriage partner, I have an “ employer”. As a decades- long stay at home Mom of a chronically ill child, and with my own disabilities, a “ regular “ job isn’t possible. I’d love to have a healthy marriage, but I’m no longer living in “ Hopium”.
My husband consistently insists that there “ is nothing wrong with him”, that he doesn’t need to make any changes in his attitudes or behaviors; that the “ unhappiness “ in our marriage is because I don’t meet his “ wants” ( I no longer sacrifice myself to satisfy his whims and demands, or pretend a relationship exists when it doesn’t.)
Other than moving toward divorce, what options are left?
So where does that leave me?
You could continue in this “holding patter” of sorts, for lack of a better word, separate, or divorce. In any case, continue your personal growth journey and being responsible for yourself. If anyone sees other options, please share them.
Love this part, LeAnne:
“When someone leans too heavily on another to feel okay emotionally or expects their partner to fix their feelings, read their mind, or take responsibility for their moods this can feel exhausting“
I am so tired of trying to be responsible for someone else’s bad mood. My Mom used to do the same thing with my Dad. It’s not very functional! Thank you for this excellent post, LeAnne.
I feel like some of you are living my life! I’m so relieved to know that I’m not the only one going through this. I felt like I was losing my mind. I’m just exhausted anticipating what’s around the next corner that’s going to jump out at me -meaning what mood am I going to confront at any given moment. The last couple of years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I keep thinking today might be better and yet I’m still in this downward spiral. I don’t understand why my husband is so out of control and there’s no reprieve. I thought it was because I finally started putting some boundaries in my life and taking back some control, but even though I feel stronger he isn’t willing to compromise and work on our marriage. It appears to be his way or nothing.
He was use to you doting on him more than likely. Making everything about him. Now your taking care of you. These comments are more than likely to guilt shame u into bring back the old you the one he could manipulate and keep in fight flight freeze because that girl tried to fix it.
He still has u bated.
I would use Leanne’s one liner or say 1 time I have made it clear I am not mad and all these other things u say. If I was mad it would be my problem to fix so I will not engage in this question over and over.
Maybe ask once why u feel that way and then I will respond
After that walk away.
This is bating u.
He knows your not mad. U made it clear. U don’t have to take the bait. It’s really gaslighting to so u ? yourself and conform back to old you he could real in
You could continue in this “holding patter” of sorts, for lack of a better word, separate, or divorce. In any case, continue your personal growth journey and being responsible for yourself. If anyone sees other options, please share them.
That was such a good and helpful answer. I am new to your content and honestly shocked to realize so much of this person’s experience is familiar. I too have been on the path of setting boundaries – including not allowing my spouse to tell me how I feel. He sometimes insists I have resentment, pushes me with “proof” that usually is neutral behavior, maybe I wasn’t cheerful or warm, but in a logistics kind of mode. If his feelings/moods are bad, he will blame me for that. However, I have found I can’t win. No matter how much I explain nothing’s wrong, and declare my right to “exist” (I used to say that, not really any more because he’ll get mad), I’m on the defense. And that doesn’t feel right. I am learning to let him deal with his moods on his own and not let them affect me or my identity. It feels cold and counterproductive but I know I have to set the boundary: my feelings are in my yard and likewise so are his. What seems to complicate things in my 20 years of marriage is his attachment style. Could it be he is avoidant? And has no idea how to express his emotions? I wonder if learning about attachment styles will help him gain some self-awareness and possibly healing from wounds. I don’t know. Has that helped or rather backfired for people? I know my husband doesn’t want to be “lectured” because of that attachment style – it makes him feel like he’s a bad person, since he can’t separate behavior from identity. Anyway, he wants to love well and reigns in his defensiveness/criticism after having had an episode of unhealthy moods/communication. So I know he wants to grow too. He just can’t stand being the perceived “bad guy” although nobody gives him that label other than he.
To the sweet Sister who wrote today’s question: Your husband is baiting you because he senses he is no longer controlling you like he once did. And by getting you to engage in a “discussion” where you repeatedly state that you are not mad/upset, he is winning in his mind because he IS trying to get you upset by having to defend and repeat yourself. And then if you get upset, he is justified and can say he is proved right. It is a manipulation and control tactic, because he senses you are no longer fully under his control. Remember JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), you only have to say it once, after that, walk away and don’t engage. You are doing so much good work for yourself, healing, gaining strength and growing closer to the Lord. Be strong and courageous, lean on God for strength, wisdom and His leading. You are a treasure and SO loved by God.
This is partly projection. He is angry, so he needs you to be angry as well. Also, it’s a game. Like a chess game, where you try to get into the opponent’s head. He sees himself as your opponent that he has to overpower.
If you are going to be in a boat, you don’t ask the lake why it wants to drown you. You already know it does, so you put on a lifejacket. Debating with someone who wants to destroy you is like that. The btr Living Free workshop has been so valuable for this. Keeping safe (guarding your heart) is of utmost importance.
I f I say anything, it’s, “So you say” or, “You’re entitled to your opinion”. Once God showed me my value, the next time he insulted my body, I could laugh and say, “Ha! You’re not such a young buck yourself anymore”.
I had to accept that he hates me. Why? Because I’m the only one who knows who he really is, and he has to keep anyone else from figuring it out. So, he needs to convince me that I’m bad. It’s really that simple.
I can completely relate to her experience, but Glory to God now. It’s my testimony
Leean answered it beautifully, being “clear and firm” and making sure you guard your heart, as it should be done from the place of love.
Jesus says In one of the epistle “let your yes be yes and your no be no” , took awhile to grasp this (still growing in it) and not fall into the trap of being right or perfectly understood.
Also thanks to re-affirmative resources from this platform and others that encourage one through the journey of growth and maturity in Love.
I experienced this exact crazy -go-round with my husband 2 weeks ago.
H insisted I was angry, when I was not.
H also tried to bait me into a no- win conversation “about us”.
H had been stewing on this conversation like the geysers at Yellowstone and was ready to blow from the get-go.
H did not like that I tied to stick to my boundaries. Gaslighting like crazy. Blame and shame for me.
Beverly Walsh
Also have experienced this merry go round or when the same old baits are brought out on repeat to seemingly get us off topic or get me riled. It’s SO difficult not to defend yourself when the false accusations keep coming. I, too have decided that I will off my good regardless of how anyone else accepts or rejects it. Much blame is easy to internalize, but I’m learning that it’s just bull crap and I refuse to accept his lashing out or misinterpretations or false narratives as the actual truth of myself or whatever the situation may be. I want to be blameless and I just trust that God sees the truth and will show me Himself if there’s anything legitimate I need to take responsibility for or apologize for.
Dear Ones,
Thank you all for joining us here in this sacred space and sharing your lives with us. We are stronger together. The experiences you share and the wisdom expressed by each of you empower our connection and build our courage. Please continue to share. We have a heavenly Father who adores us. I celebrate this truth daily. Even in the hard.
Navigating the hills and valleys in our relationships can feel exhausting, like you’re constantly adjusting yourself just to keep the peace. God didn’t design relationships to function this way. Scripture reminds us in Galatians 6:5 that each of us is responsible for our load. Healthy love invites connection, not control. You can be compassionate without being responsible for someone else’s emotional world. Let’s walk this out together. One step at a time. One choice at a time. One breath at a time. You are loved.
This post was relatable to my own situation.
My husband says he is being “attacked” any time you try to ask a question or air a grievance. Theres no anger or bitterness or ugliness in my tone or manner. And this is not a man who is nagged, or badgered in any way. I simply want to talk about something. He throws up defenses, gets angry and it makes it impossible to work through, well, anything.
He also behaves like a child who you’ve told no to. For example when I ask after thousands off dollars being spent on hobbies and express the need to save for our teenagers to have a car. He literally pitches a fit.
I was once told people get stuck at the point of their pain. There is a history of childhood trauma. It’s like I can see the selfish immaturity come out.
I was also told once hurt people are selfish. Like they aren’t fully capable of seeing how their actions impact others around them because they are too consumed with their own pain.
I also get the “you’re mad at me”. I’m not. I will say I’m not mad just tired. It’s very true.
Or “you don’t even like me”. To which I usually reply I do but I do not always like how you treat me. (A variety of abuse and neglect).
I’ve learned he is responsible for him.
I’ve learned to offer respectful, kind, non blaming responses.
I’ve learned to change my dance steps to get out of old cycles that loop us around and around and around but never get us anywhere.
I’ve learned men don’t hear us when we get louder but sometimes if we quietly, with dignity, and compassion communicate the truth they do. They just don’t like it. Ha.
Since I have found it impossible to make peace with him. I’m focused on making peace within myself and centering on God.
Many blessing. Praying for wisdom, strength and peace for everyone