Empowering Your Child and Yourself for Long-Term Healing
Dear Beloved Readers,
In the past two posts (Understanding and Breaking the Cycle of Trauma Responses in Parenting, and Rebuilding Trust with Your Child After Conflict), we’ve explored how trauma affects our reactions and how we can begin rebuilding trust with our children after conflict. Now, let’s shift our focus to the long-term: How do we empower both ourselves and our children to move forward in a healthy, healing way?
Empowerment is about equipping your child with the tools to manage their emotions and behavior, but it’s also about empowering yourself as a parent. Dear one- this is a big question to consider: is it possible to equip your child if you cannot do it yourself? Parents, it is time for us to learn to manage our emotions, our thoughts, and our actions. Through God’s grace, we can find the strength to parent from a place of love, patience, and wisdom. Today, I’ll share some strategies from Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) for fostering emotional growth in both you and your child, along with biblical encouragement to sustain you on this journey.
Shifting from Control to Empowerment
Parenting can sometimes feel like a constant balancing act between managing behavior and fostering growth. But lasting change happens not through control, but through empowerment. TBRI teaches that true empowerment comes when we guide our children to make choices and learn to regulate their emotions, rather than trying to control their every action.
Think about how God parents us—He doesn’t force us to do the right thing. Instead, He guides us, gives us wisdom, and offers us the freedom to choose. We can follow that model with our own children by encouraging them to take ownership of their emotions and behaviors.
Part of rebuilding safety and trust is not repeating bad behavior. As the adult, you are responsible for setting the stage for safety to flourish. Where there has been harm, you as the adult are the one rebuilding trust of safety with your child. I appreciate this community. Thank you to all who have joined us each week and shared your thoughts, comments, and ideas. As we take ownership to create opportunities to apologize, make repairs, and then walk it out! Trust is built. Please! DO NOT repeat the same destructive behaviors again and again, if you do, the repairs and apologies become more and more untrustworthy.
Scripture:
“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” —1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)
One way to empower your child is through collaborative problem-solving. Instead of imposing solutions, invite your child into the conversation. Ask them how they think they could handle a situation better next time. You might say, “What do you think would help us when we’re both feeling frustrated?” This not only teaches responsibility but also shows them that their voice matters. A vital part of empowerment is helping your child learn to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally to children—especially those who have experienced trauma—but it can be learned with practice. Teach your child how to identify what they’re feeling and offer tools like deep breathing or using a calming object to help them settle down. A dysregulated parent cannot regulate an unregulated child. So like the woman who originally posed this question, she's doing her work to get healthy so that she can parent with more attunement, calmness, and wisdom.
As parents, our children learn how to handle their emotions by watching us. When you stay calm during moments of stress, you’re modeling emotional regulation for your child. TBRI emphasizes co-regulation, where your calm presence helps your child calm down, too. This mirrors how God is our constant, unshakable peace, even in the storms of life. We often say this here at Leslie Vernick and Co. “ Your child NEEDS at least one healthy parent”. Let it be YOU!
Scripture:
“The Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” —Proverbs 2:6 (NLT)
Just as God grants us wisdom, we can pass along those lessons to our children, teaching them how to manage their feelings with God’s help.
Scripture:
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” —Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)
Staying calm in the face of frustration is a powerful way to deflect anger and bring peace.
Lastly, I encourage you to take time to reflect on your core parenting values. What guides you when things get tough? Whether it’s patience, love, or grace, allow those values to direct your responses. God’s Word reminds us to focus on what is true, honorable, and praiseworthy.
Scripture:
“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” —Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
Empowering yourself and your child is a journey, one that will take time and grace. By moving from control to empowerment, teaching emotional regulation, and modeling Christ-like calm, you are planting seeds that will bear fruit in both your lives. Remember, God’s wisdom is with you as you guide your child—and He is also working in you, shaping you into the parent He’s called you to be.
Action Step:
This week, try practicing collaborative problem-solving with your child during a calm moment. Ask for their input and work together to create a plan for handling future challenges.
Friends, I know this journey of empowering yourself and your child can feel daunting at times. But I want you to remember that you are not walking it alone. God is with you, equipping you with wisdom and grace for each step. Parenting is a journey of learning and growth, for both you and your child, and there’s no rush to get it all perfect. Give yourself grace, and perhaps your child grace to lean on the strength that God provides, and know that I am here, cheering you on and walking with you through these conversations. Together, we are learning to build families rooted in love, patience, and Christ’s peace.
Thank you for being part of this community. As a coach on Leslie's team, I’m honored to be on this journey with you, and I look forward to hearing how God is moving in your home and heart as you take these next steps.
What values guide your parenting during tough times? How do you encourage your child to take ownership of their actions and emotions?
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Great article and it has come just at the right time!
Thank you for sharing. So grateful you found this helpful. How will you apply what you are learning?
LwAnn- thank you so much for this series! I have learned so much. I struggle the most with my oldest child (11).. I tend to escalate situations due to my own frustration/anger. This post will help our relationship greatly!
One thing I’ve noticed with my daughter is that she acts out when she is feeling the weight of her cross. We have started a visual prayer that has been healing for her (and her siblings). I help her visualize the ache that she carriers, and place that pain inside a backpack. The weight of this backpack is too heavy for her to carry, so I ask her to ask Jesus to take it from her. She visualizes Jesus carrying the heavy back pack and taking it to the cross. I remind her that Jesus came for her, so that she would not have to carry those burdens and pain- that she can give it all to him and he will transform it into something beautiful.
The healing power of Jesus in these moments is incredible! I share this here as an incredible tool that we can all use to give Jesus our pain and in doing so, he can heal our hearts and help us to parent in more calm ways. God bless you all!
The healing power of Jesus is life changing. Thank you for your trust. Learning to yield to the spirit is a gift we give ourselves and those we care most about.
What about when chronic silence, stonewalling and lying or denial are being modeled and the kids are using it now to deflect any attempt toward healing?
We cannot control or be responsible for what or how another models emotional well being. This is our work to do. And just maybe as we learn not to engage in unhealthy communication, it will look like (attraction rather than promotion.) a saying I learned in Al-Anon .
Julie, thank you for sharing your experience. We learn and grow daily- learning and healing is a choice.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with in my 15 yr. old daughter…this is a difficult time in a child’s life already, and then adding the unhealthy ways — it’s a recipe for disastrous situations.
She has sided with my husband and will not listen to me. I have had to walk away so many times. I cannot force her to listen, but she is exhibiting the same behaviors of blaming others for her choices, and not taking responsibility for herself. She has already been suspended from school for threatening to beat up girl who was bullying her friend (the same girl who used to bully her), and doesn’t complete homework on time or do her chores around the house. There’s always an excuse that involves what someone else did/didn’t do that made her act/do what she did. I fear for her future. I pray.
While patience and love are essential, it’s also okay to set healthy boundaries. Let your kids know that stonewalling and dishonesty are not acceptable ways to handle hard things, but communicate those boundaries with compassion. For example, “I love you, and I want us to work through this together. But shutting down or lying, or dismissing, only makes things harder. I’ll be here when you’re ready to try again. This is one approach. What others are you aware of? What have you tried?
Thank you so much! We cannot control the unhealthiness they see in others, but we can control our emotional health to be the one healthy parent. How we respond to hard things will teach our kids so much! I’m already seeing fruits from it. My kids are 19 and 16 and they know things are calm when they are with me. I have especially seen a difference in the last while with my 19 year old son. God is good!
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. I am putting these things into practice and saving these three articles to reread each week until they are ingrained in my head and heart.
I recently had a wonderful opportunity to apologize to two of my adult children over the past few months, and one of those moments even led to salvation. I apologized for keeping them in an abusive home for too long. Parenting is indeed an adventure. I am currently in a reversed parent roll right now. It’s been really tough.
My children have made some questionable choices in their lives, and I had to allow them the freedom to learn from their mistakes. It’s amusing to see them repeat the same things I did as a teenager; how can I possibly be upset? I want them to understand that their voices are important. Mine never felt significant while I was growing up or during my marriage.
I’m grateful that my daughter is finally starting to open up to me. She currently lives with her father, who has also been making unwise decisions, that have led to a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. I can see how that experience can leave someone feeling unworthy. She expressed her frustration by asking how many times she should keep forgiving. Unknowingly, she seems to have learned to detach from her difficult situation, and I continually reassure her that I am here for her whenever she needs support. God has gently reminded me that she needs her own testimony as well.
As I focus on my own health, it becomes easier to remain calm and to surrender all of my adult children and their circumstances to God. It’s certainly a challenge.
Personally, I often choose silence and avoidance during tough times. I’m attempting to face the discomfort of my communication struggles head-on.
Thank you! I truly appreciate these Action Steps.
So grateful yall found hope , help, and honest connection here with us! It’s a journey into wholeness we are all on.
Warmly,
Coach LeAnne