Emotionally Strong, Emotionally Alone: Surviving an Immature Marriage
Morning friend,
It's been a tough month. Life isn't always easy, nor can we always figure out why things are happening the way they are. Since creation, when Satan tempted Adam and Eve, we've craved knowledge above trusting God. We want to know why something is happening. We want to know what God is up to, or why he doesn't intervene. We want to know FOR SURE our next right steps forward. What path will bring us a successful outcome? Uncertainty is something we don't tolerate well, yet the truth is, there is no certainty other than God loves us and is in control. We don't understand sometimes or know why. And even when we do know the why (read the first chapter of Job), we don't like what we see.
As our team at LV & CO reads your questions and picks those to answer, we can't promise you that a certain path forward will yield the outcomes you want. We are called to trust God and leave the outcome in his hands. He promises us that nothing is wasted, including our pain. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 20:24, “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”
Today's Question: How do I be emotionally strong with an emotionally immature husband? I've been married for 36 years. My husband, now retired, has been a good provider and a hard worker for our family. He doesn't drink and is not physically abusive. However, when it comes to anything that upsets his apple cart, he acts immaturely. He lacks compassion and empathy. When I was 42, I had a total hysterectomy. Prior to my surgery, he informed me that he couldn't take care of me. My sister had me come stay with her for a week. When he came to pick me up, he announced, “Vacation's over!” As if I'd been on a pleasant vacation.
Last year I had some physical problems resulting in difficulty walking and pain in my hips and legs, and I successfully went through physical therapy. Now, I'm having severe pain in my left shoulder and can hardly use that arm. I am awaiting test results. Since this started, he has expressed his frustration, saying things like, “Last year it was your legs, now this… do you think it's all in your head?” And, “I think you're depressed and you should see a psychiatrist.”
One day I asked him just to help me wash my back. I was standing in my underwear and he looked at me and said, “When this is over, I hope you'll get in shape. You don't want to weigh 200 pounds!” I weigh 124. He grudgingly is helping me with laundry folding, but I have to ask him to do jobs I can't do right now.
Today, he left for an annual trip he takes with friends. He complains about how this is “impacting him.” Basically, he goes off and does what he wants during the day. How do I survive in a marriage in which I feel so uncared for?
I am thankful that love isn't defined as a feeling in the Bible, because I don't really have those feelings for him anymore. He attends some church functions with me (volunteering, not services) and so has gotten to know some people at my church. Everyone thinks he's wonderful because he's outgoing, helpful, and friendly. What they don't see is the eye-rolling, the lack of caring. Not once has he said, “I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you.”
Answer: I am sorry that you are married to a man who does not know how to show love and care or chooses not to. Either way, the impact on you has been devastating. I was struck by your question, “How can I grow emotionally strong while living with an emotionally immature husband?” or “How do I survive in a marriage where I feel so uncared for?” As I read your story, you've lived strong. But I am curious about a few things.
First, have you ever told him how you feel when he treats you with such indifference? It seems you've appreciated his strengths, he's supported the family financially, worked hard, isn't abusive, and doesn't drink, but I wonder if you've ever said to him, “OUCH, that hurts,” when he says something critical or shaming. Or asked, “Don't you care how I feel?” Or “Do I matter at all to you?” when he acts like caring for you is a burden. He's been clear that taking care of you when you're not 100% “impacts” him, and it does. But caring and loving someone always impacts us. That's part of the promise “for better or worse” in the marriage ceremony.
I wonder what might happen if you used some of your emotional strength to lovingly confront his immaturity. What might happen if you said, “Can I ask you something?” Hopefully he will respond positively, and if so, continue: “You want me to care about your needs and feelings, but it seems you don't want to be bothered with mine. I needed help when I had my hysterectomy, and you said you weren't willing to help me, so I had to ask my sister. Recently I asked you to help me wash my back because my arm was sore, and you acted like that was a huge burden. That's hurtful.”
Then stop talking. Let your honest, vulnerable words do their work. Wait and watch to see if or how he responds. You have given him a small dose of truth in love and invited him to look at himself. Yes, it's true, your illness impacts him. His words and indifference impact you. Are his feelings and needs the only ones that matter in this relationship? Or do your needs and feelings matter as well? This gives him honest feedback that could possibly help him grow into a more thoughtful, caring man, if he chooses to listen and value what you've said. No promises, but why not give it a try?
Second, I also think it might be helpful for you to reflect on how you may have unknowingly and unintentionally contributed to this lopsided dynamic in your marriage. From what you wrote, he brings home the paycheck and isn't abusive. So from your vantage point, is that all that's required of a decent husband? From his actions (or lack of actions) over time, that seems to have been his mindset on marriage — but has it been yours as well? And if not, have you ever told him your feelings and thoughts about what's missing for you in the emotional connection and caring department of marriage? And if you have, did what you said matter to him?
When two people get married, both are often somewhat immature and selfish, and both come into marriage with at least one suitcase full of baggage from family-of-origin issues and past relationships. Part of maturing is growing, hopefully together, to recognize our immature, self-centered ways and “put off” those things so we can better learn to love the people who matter most to us. If you've always been the sacrificial giver in this marriage and he's been the one who provides the finances, perhaps he's believed you're okay with that arrangement. Obviously you're not, so if you've never had a humble, honest conversation with him about this, it's time. After you tell him how his indifference hurts you, you will get more clarity on your next right steps.
Speaking the truth in love will give him a chance to hear you and respond. If he responds with mockery, indifference, or defensiveness, now you know the hard truth: he doesn't care to learn how to care. If he responds with surprise, like “Why have you never told me this before?” see this as an invitation for continued conversation. For example, you might need to own your own limiting beliefs, fearful feelings, and mindset that led you to avoid appearing ungrateful or complaining. Or perhaps you, too, didn't think much about your own needs until you were in crisis and really needed more care. This time of self-reflection for both of you could lead to meaningful, rich insight, connection, and growth. But it can't happen without you taking a step toward speaking honestly, asking yourself some hard questions, and inviting him to an honest conversation. And if he doesn't respond well — or you've tried this before and know he won't — what's your next step?
Your question, “How do I survive a marriage where I feel so uncared for?” is valid for so many women. At LV & Co, we call this process learning to stay well. That means you may choose to stay in a marriage that isn't abusive but is extremely indifferent, for your own good reasons. Instead of trying to get him to change, you work on yourself so you don't become bitter, resentful, or retaliatory. Let me offer a few suggestions on how you might continue to do that.
There are many valid reasons a woman may choose to stay well in a lonely marriage. Often it has to do with the financial security she needs, not to mention medical insurance and retirement savings. Staying well in this arrangement means some needs are met for you and for him, but you detach from needing him to meet your emotional needs and sometimes your personal care needs. Part of your work becomes building a good support system to get some of your emotional or care needs met elsewhere. Ask yourself:
- Do I have girlfriends I can go to a movie with or play games with?
- Is there someone I could travel with, even just for a weekend?
- Can I share my heart with a trusted friend, and have someone to pray with?
If the answer is no, start there. Everyone needs connection and friendship, even if it's not found in marriage. Don't isolate yourself waiting for him to start caring.
It's also worth asking practical questions about your care. If he gives you attitude about helping with your personal care, is it possible to hire a caregiver when you need extra attention after surgery or help at home? If you have the financial resources to meet some of your needs, wouldn't it be less stressful for both of you to pay someone to help you, rather than ask him and have him resent it or give you attitude while doing it? For sure, that isn't the “ideal” or the loving way we picture marriage, but your marriage doesn't have that dimension right now. If you can accept that reality without resentment and appreciate the benefits you do have, even without emotional connection, then you can learn to stay well. If you choose this path, hear me: it does not create a good marriage, but by doing your own work, you will experience a less toxic one, because you have detached from needing him to care and are instead taking good care of yourself.
But before you choose the path of staying well, if you've never been honest and told your spouse how you truly feel about his indifference and lack of love, give him a chance to hear you and to grow into the man God has called him to be. Over the years I've been doing this work, the only way I have ever seen an immature man want to change is when his godly, loving wife stops over-functioning for him and finds the courage and strength to discontinue dancing the dysfunctional dance that put her feelings and needs beneath his. As he sees her flourishing (even if their marriage does not), it may motivate him to begin his own maturing work.
Friend, if you've experienced neglect and indifference in marriage, what steps have you taken to create a stronger support system for yourself?
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Well done Leslie! Thank you for the clarity of this post💞💞
Glad it was helpful Colleen. And I did like that video you sent me, thought it made some excellent points.
Hi Leslie, greetings from Australia. I could truly relate to this lady’s situation with an immature husband and I thank you for your meaningful suggestions.
May I ask if Colleen’s video that you mention is available to watch, please?
I had sent Leslie a UTube video by CS Lewis organization about Narcissism and the Virtuous Woman. You can find it by searching on UTube . Let me know if you have difficulty finding.
Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to reply, Colleen. May God bless you and your journey. Di
Yes, thank you so much Leslie for all you do! I was introduced to your work 10 months ago and spent months binge watching your videos, joined E2C and am now in Moving Beyond People Pleasing. When I started learning I had no idea that my job was not to keep my husband happy by jumping when he said jump. I have learned much. My learning taught me to set boundaries and this led to almost leaving as he was very angry about my change in the dance steps. There was a big turn around but he is still upset that I’ve changed. Most days are good and I’m training to stay well.
Diana, thanks for sharing and as you continue to walk in truth and grace, not “dancing” to his tune, but God’s, hopefully your hsuband will begin to recgonize your value and also begin to change his tune. If now, you are growing stronger and stronger to take your next right steps.
The step I took to create a stronger support system was to stop biting my tongue. If out of fear, I didn’t say truth, I started to say things like “that isn’t truth” “I didn’t say that” and without anger or a desire for his response. I also started to do things with friends that I normally would have invited him along or declined the offer. I also leaned more heavily on my inner relationship with the triune God. I did have a couple strong friends, one being a cousin who I could call at any time and they were oils pray with me or let me vent. Sometimes putting words to actions gave me more clarity. Once you see…you cannot unsee. 36 years is a long time to be discarded-I hope you see your value in a fresh hope and cling to people like your sister if he isn’t capable. Lots of love conquer sister!
Lindsey, good for you. That is such an important step in learning to steward your well-being.
This hit home for me. And the clarity of the steps is very helpful. Not all of us have marriages that we wished for. But also some of us also held distorted beliefs at the start, and we “played along” until we just couldn’t anymore. Thank you for this.
Nnceba, “played along” is an interesting way of saying it. I think so many women thought that was “the role” or the “dance steps” as a good Christian woman they were to take. Until they couldn’t anymore. Just like you said. And then then painful clarity comes with some hard choices.
I consider emotional and physical neglect as abuse.
It’s destructive to the mind, body, and soul, especially when it comes from a spouse who has promised to love, honor, and cherish in sickness, and in health. I also consider it betrayal of trust, safety, loyalty, and commitment. Without trust, a marriage is dead. I personally cannot live that way., maybe some can or have no choice but to stay.
Absolutely!
Totally agree.
I consider emotional and physical neglect to be abuse.
It’s destructive to the mind, body, and soul, especially when it comes from a spouse who has promised to love, honor, and cherish in sickness, and in health. I also consider it betrayal of trust, safety, loyalty, and commitment. Without trust, a marriage is dead. I personally cannot live that way, but maybe some can or have no choice but to stay.
Anna, gross indifference can definitely constitute abuse, and there are women who have some needs met – housing, medical, food, clothing – the more tangible needs, but not the emotional ones. That is a little more fuzzy for some to define as “abuse” or is it emotional immaturity like a five year old child doesn’t really care that their mother is tired or needs time to herself? So I try to make room for both kinds of situations, and for sure no one wants to be married to a five year old child in a grown up body, but some people are.
That is a helpful way for me to look at it. This particular question and answer were very helpful for me. I often feel confused and torn about how serious the current things in my marriage are especially since they have improved a great deal. I feel like I’m a yo-yo as the situation changes from moment to moment.
Yes!
Hard, but Great post. I resonate with so much of it. And such spot on advice. I chose to “stay well” a few years ago. I stayed engaged with Leslie’s support groups and successfully (most of the time) learned to detach emotionally. That, right there, has been a valuable tool in helping me to NOT react, but to respond calmly, or not at all. Things came to a head recently with some very toxic behavior on his part and I effectively, tho passionately with yes, a good bit of righteous anger, expressed my complete displeasure, said I was done and I need a break. I went away for a month to a friend’s home (they were out of town) and I spent time seeking God, praying and reading. I re-read “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” as well as Lysa Turkhuerst’s “Good Boundaries Goodbyes”. Lord, where do I go from here? I need to know I’ve done everything I possibly can and I don’t yet feel the green light from You! Over 25 years, I have done A LOT! Constant counseling, together and on my own, marriage seminars, Eggerts Love and Respect series, Marriage Team, The Power of a Praying Wife, several online support platforms for Christian women in destructive marriages. And on and on. After 2 weeks of nestling into the Lord by myself and reading resources & praying, God led my to draw up a Boundary contract. It took time and a lot of massaging to word things just right. I had to be sure I could carry out my Boundaries w/out caving and to express kindly but firmly what I need and what I will no longer tolerate in order to continue to stay. Turkhuerst’s book was so valuable in teaching me what setting Boundaries is and is not. I came home after a month and I know he expected me to want a divorce. In reality, I do. But I have not felt that green light from God. This is my last ditch effort. To my utter surprise, he received the contract favorably, acknowledged my hard work put into it and the validity of the points and consequences stated, We’re a blended family. He’s a lawyer and now retired judge w/covert narcissistic tendencies. He’s almost 80, but very fit. I’m almost 70. Nothing easy about working with this personality. I think, as a lawyer, a “contract” somehow appealed to him. He agreed to seek out individual therapy and I am doing the same…Again. But we don’t talk about ANYTHING! He’s just being sappy nice (love bombing) I can’t stand it. My therapist wants us to do the Gottman assessments and go thru that. Okaaay. I’ll do it. I have to ask him if he will but I believe he will because he doesn’t want to lose me. All the while, I’m just waiting to get out of this relationship that has caused me so much emotional pain, which has manifested physically as well. But ok Lord – I’ll do whatever You lead me to do becuz I don’t want to leave w/out Your green light.
BTW – I have a wonderful support system of Godly gals who have walked beside me, prayed for and with me, in this for years. He is highly revered and honored in community and church for his good works thru a non profit he set up. But people are seeing his true colors lately as his mask slips – w/out my saying a thing.
Sorry this is long. My main point was to share about drawing up the Boundary contract. It’s been so valuable. And He did sign it. Consequences of violating the terms of the contract are that steps will be taken toward a formal separation.
I’d be happy to share what it looks like as an example.
Julie, good for you that you’ve been able to detach as well as create boundaries for your own safety and future well-being. The boundary contract can be a helpful wake up call as well as a line drawn in the sand kind of statement. Hopefully it will turn out well for you.
Thank you Leslie. I value you so very much. Your program, resources and Godly wisdom have been the main resource that has pulled me up by the bootstraps, brought awareness to my situation and what I’m dealing with. As well as learning to look into my part in the situation as the empath and learning to regulate my responses. I was introduced to you thru “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” many years ago.. Lysa Terkeurst has been a recent valuable tool to move me forward.
May I ask, is it appropriate to share emails with other respondents if requested on this platform?
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very interested in learning what your boundaries contract look like Julie. I often find it difficult to speak to my husband because he gets defensive and easily angered. He sees things very much black and white so when I have a difference of opinion he feels like I’m against him and not supportive. He then gets angry and will give me the silent treatment for weeks. I’m exhausted and turning into a shell of a person. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this marriage and I feel ilke i’m trying to make it work in part because of my kids who are both under 12. I am also keeping hope that God will work a miracle in my marriage.
Carmen, if you’re comfortable sharing your email here I can communicate outside of this platform. BTW – my therapist came recommended from a list Lysa Terkeurst shares at the end of her book. She is fabulous, familiar with both Leslie & Lysa’s work. As well, she teaches psychology online @Regent University in Virginia in the PHD dept. she does zoom appts, helped me shape my Boundary contract and is giving me great stress mgmt tools like HeartMath, breathing techniques, etc.
Carmen, I was in your shoes, “ keeping the peace” and doing everything I could to support my kids and husband, always prioritizing them over my needs, much less wants. I felt like I was being erased.
My kids are now adults, on their own, and my husband no longer worries about looking good in front of them…I get even more defensiveness, anger, selfishness, pouting, and silent treatment from him now. Sometimes it feels as though I have matured as an adult, while he has been insisting on remaining an emotional toddler. It’s been 40 years now….
What I wanted to share with you is this:
Looking back, if I could do it over, I would have done some things differently. While my kids were younger. The marriage they saw growing up was one where Dad provided the money, and he, and the kids ( as kids need to be) were always the priority. Never Mom. Now I realize that wasn’t the best example for the kids.
I would have prioritized my own health ( like the first writer, I also have severe health issues ….but I don’t even bother telling my husband any but the most basic facts…I know there is zero chance of care or empathy from him. (I do have a daughter, and girlfriends, nearby, who reciprocally support me.)
I would have spent more time on my own professional and financial education, so that I could feel confident that if I needed to support myself, I could. With my support, my husband has had a very successful career. But since we both made it all about him, ( and he claims “ all the money is mine”, and threatens divorce when he doesn’t get what he wants) I’m trying to figure out how and whether I could support myself, especially considering my medical costs.
I would have spent some time learning about concepts like boundaries, what self esteem is, what a healthy marriage really looks like. Of course now that the kids are grown, I’ve had more time for study. But I wish I had carved out just a little time for myself years ago. Then I wouldn’t have had so much to learn in the last several years.
Lastly, while I also prayed constantly for my husband to see me, want to listen, grow, and do the things necessary for a healthy marriage…I finally understand, now, that God gives us choices, and we are each responsible for ourselves.
We are not responsible for the thoughts, behaviors, growth, or happiness of other adults. God made us autonomous individuals; He doesn’t change us unless we ourselves ask to be changed.
Directly asking that others change for the better, making requests, is fine. But we have to accept that our husbands may respond, in their autonomy, to our requests for a healthy relationship with “ no, I don’t want that”. Hoping God will change our husbands without them seeking out and choosing growth and change for themselves …He just doesn’t change people without their permission.
My husband told me that he was praying for me…that I would “go back to being the way I used to be”, which he perceived as good: always prioritizing him and his wants, having no sense of my own value. I’m glad God didn’t answer his prayers by forcing me “back into the Barbie box”.
It’s been a relief, and also sad, because I kept trying to find the “ magic words “ to get through to my husband, I tried harder, did more …but finally I realized that my husband is 100% responsible for himself. I have zero control over or responsibility for his thoughts, actions, etc.
I encourage you to keep learning, especially here at LV & Co.
You are just as important as everyone else. You are God’s precious daughter.
You said some powerful truths her Living in Grace. I hope some of the women who are younger pay close attention. Living with regrets is a hard thing. Learning to take care of yourself is an important milestone in maturity, and having the confidence that you can especially financially support yourself if you need to is a deal breaker. It gives you choices that you don’t have when you feel stuck becuase you chose to spend all your life supporting his growth and dreams.
Living in Grace, you are concerned about supporting yourself if you decide to leave. I would recommend that you consult with a lawyer about what the terms of a divorce would be for you. Since your H is the sole bread winner, he would be required to provide for you, maybe even pay for your health insurance. Laws are different in various places, so it’s important to learn the facts. I have to wonder just how many of your health issues would improve if you were not living in a toxic environment.
I’m curious: Is your h sincerely surrendered to Jesus as Savior and Lord? I will pray that he will do so if he has not, because trying to make changes in our own human strength is not possible long-term.. Only the Holy Spirit of God changes us from the inside out. It’s always about the condition of our hearts.
I have prayed for you🕊️🙏🏻
I would love to see your boundary contract. I am impressed by your strength in taking the step to write it up! I don’t know where to start.
This is very close to what I deal with in my marriage. Married 36 years as well. I am fighting to become healthy and stay, but I feel like I am done. Praying hard as to what God would have me do. Praying for all the women out there that are dealing with this.
Thanks Kim for praying for the women who do feel like for now, Staying Well is their best choice. It’s not easy but I’m so glad you are working on getting as healthy as you can.
Thank you for your prayers, Kim.
I can relate to all these posts. Married for nearly 31 years and I’ve finally woken up and I’m not denying reality anymore. Yes, I’ve overfunctioned (and thought I was being a loving Christian wife by doing so)., but may I add, my husband has allowed me to do that! I know God has has forgiven me for my part and I’ve forgiven myself too.
I am married 5 years (second marriage). My husband is also a provider (although “his” bank acct is off limits), and a fixer etc. The emotional unavailability is tremendous and emotional neglect is tremendous. I relate tremendously to having multiple surgeries and being a burden to him. My anxiety is so bad that my somatic symptoms have truly hindered my quality of life and it’s a very poor example for my daughters (even if they are now 18 and 22). Everyone loves him! He’s hilarious! He conforms to whomever he’s around. You’d never know the neglect that goes on at home, unless you lived here. I want a separation. He’s finally agreed – yet we can’t afford one. I’m stuck. I am praying for a miracle. Thank you for this post; it validates my situation. … and I am stuck. I am trying to suffer well and will keep my eyes on Christ. My daughters are seeing an awful example of “marriage”. But I will show them how to keep your eyes fixed on Christ. I pray for a way out. I know God will provide in His time… whatever that looks like- restoration or physical freedom. I welcome any help or advice from Leslie Vernick and her coaches. God bless you all!!!!
Selena, you didn’t mention how old you were, but I’d encourage you to consult – just consult with an attorney. When a husband says “we can’t afford it” or “It’s all my money” it’s a tactic of intimidation. Legally, even if you did not work and especially if you supported him building his career, you are legally entitled to half the marital assets. However, if he is sneaky, or deceitful, he certainly can lie, hide, and underreport income but not necessarily assets, but you have to ask an attorney what are the laws in your state. I encourage every woman who is considering her options, to consult with an attorney to know her rights, what it will “cost” her to litigate those rights. Sometimes it’s less stressful to “settle” for less than you are legally entitled to just to gain your freedom and stop the harassment. But you won’t know until you check it out.
I am 48. He’s 54. We’re both teachers. Bc I’ve gotten so sick bc of all this I lost one year of income two years ago (too sick to work) and our debt is incredible. We need a miracle. He refuses to have one acct, something I believe Jesus wants if we’re to move to oneness- so this speaks volumes to me. So bc he keeps “his acct” “his” Idk if he or we can afford a rent for him for a separation. So we’re living under the same roof and I’m trying so hard to remain healthy. Praying for a miracle , relief, rescue- God can! I will seek that legal counsel. I am meeting with my pastor for the second time as well. Marital counseling has gotten us no where. He won’t do hmwk. His wounds are deep. I’d be there and walk along side him if he chose the LORD and chose me, but he chooses to neglect and remain in quick sand. I cannot join him. It’s cruel and emotionally abusive. (Physically also as I become sick.)
Leslie is right! For years, every time my husband threatened divorce, I would start to panic, because of the costs of dealing with my serious health issues, and the decades supporting his career and ignoring mine. I had short phone appointments with both a Divorce Financial Analyst and a Divorce Attorney…and when I heard, “ Could you live on X amount?” I realized that while it might be difficult for the few years until I can be on Medicare, it would definitely be doable. And probably a lot more peaceful.
I never mentioned these calls to my husband. But it has given me breathing room to start being more confident in focusing on my own needs…even my wants! rather than everything being about his wants, moods, etc.
At the moment, I am working on “ staying well” as I work toward re-establishing my own financial support capabilities. I am being more true to myself. He hasn’t changed or grown, and I realize that after years of effort, I have done all I can toward improving the marriage.
He’s still working, although he frequently threatens to retire early. That’s the one thing that could really endanger me financially, and the lawyer said that you can’t keep your husband from retiring early (even if it’s for spite, if he’s anywhere near retirement age). So while I feel that I can safely hold my boundaries ( and he hasn’t changed his behaviors much but has begun to grudgingly respect them), as I repeatedly consider what is best and healthiest for me, and improve my own financial capabilities, I will hold on and “ stay well”.
It sounds like you exist to serve him. Your declining physical health threatens your capacity to meet his needs. I wouldn’t expect him to care for you in the future as you also age. I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s not possible to stay well.
I’ve been separated for almost a year after 28 years of marriage. My husband has been a good provider, however his lack of emotional availability, dismissiveness and control have wreaked havoc on our family. Our three adult children have anxiety and other mental health issues as a result of our unhealthy family dynamic. I’ve owned my part and grown in my struggles of codependency and people pleasing and the ways they contributed to the dysfunction in our family . .After 11 months of separation, seeing no real change in my husband, (continued dismissiveness and defensiveness,), I reached a point that I was feeling done. I consulted a financial advisor/divorce specialist to learn about my rights. I have spent the last few years becoming stronger and more assertive, however I think reaching the point where I felt like I was done allowed me to be even more direct than I have been before. I continue to see my resistance to speaking up in the moment, pointing out when he is dismissive. As I’ve started doing this more, I have seen a new receptiveness on his part. More of a willingness to hear me. That being said, I don’t feel that I can move forward toward divorce when I’m seeing these changes. I will need to see consistency over time in order to build trust. The next step that God has led me to is to take part in our church’s marriage ministry. It’s a 13 week curriculum and it starts next week. I asked him a couple of days ago if he would be willing and he said yes. I’m nervous yet hopeful. Praying the Holy Spirit will get a hold of his heart as we work through the different topics and discuss things that have historically been very difficult for us. Praying for insight as to whether changes I might see during this curriculum are real and lasting..
I wanted to add that after I posted this comment yesterday I started feeling very anxious about doing the marriage curriculum. I’m questioning if I’m stepping in before I’ve seen consistent change. Am I placing Hope the fact that he will “decide he needs to really change while going through it”? I’ve created this safe place for me over the last 11 months and while I don’t want to get overly comfortable in it, I can’t ignore the anxiety I’m feeling right now. I thought I would share this here where I’m sure women have been through something like this and may have wisdom to offer/experience to share that would shed some light.
Heather…Im curious if he is interested in doing HIS own work separately? I think Leslies advice has been this isn’t a marriage problem. Yes you can work on the marriage yet HE needs to desire to move into a healthy relationship. I wonder if you aren’t doing one more thing instead of focusing on you? I don’t know you , him or all the negativity you’ve experienced. This is sooo hard.
Lisa I’ve wondered the same thing. The marriage ministry is meant for people to do their own work. It covers things like humility, brokenness, grace and forgiveness. It’s not actually as much about the marriage as it is about the individual person getting healthy. My thought is that I’ll be able to see if he’s willing to dig in and do the work as we go through it. To me it’s the last ditch effort so I can say I’ve tried everything I can do on my side. But I hear what you’re saying- .is it just one more thing that I’m grasping at? I’ve been asking God to show me if that’s the case.. and you’re right, this is so hard!
I don’t think I would do a last ditch effort w a couples bible study. Unfortunately I don’t trust the church anymore.
My husband has always been a habitual liar, hiding things he knows I would not approve of, then telling me he wouldn’t lie if I would quit overreacting.
He has had a pattern of entertaining other women, past lovers, emotional affairs, flirting, some porn, etc. of course I reacted badly to it every time I discovered it and he lied even after being confronted.
At one point, I made him leave. I was so hurt and furious.
He called our pastor, who called me and asked if I would come in and talk. At first I said no but finally agreed. When I arrived, the pastor pulled up some verses for me, all requiring my forgiveness. No mention of what he had done and all of the lies.
When he was done reading the verses to me, I stood up and simply said “This meeting is over “ and I walked out. Later that evening, our pastor emailed me and said that he forgave me for what I did today. I said I forgive you right back.
I quit going to church.
My husband moved home 4 months later, against my wishes. My husband never attended church unless I was going. I went weekly.
So when I stopped going, so did he.
I decided that I am not his spiritual leader.
I do want to go to church again but I don’t want him tagging along.
That was long, just to say be careful. There are too many churches and pastors that have 0 credentials in marital trauma and counseling. Men and women alike (in some churches) tend to point at the hurting wife and tell her to do better,
Makes my heart hurt 😔
I want you to be careful and seek safe ppl.
Hugs.
She says that he is not abusive. He IS abusive. His comments about her weight and belittling her needs are abuse.
Thank you for your in-depth and thoughtful response, Leslie. You’ve outlined very clear next steps to take, and those questions are hard ones to ask, even a bit scary, but necessary for any hope for growth and repair. One area I am already growing in is coming to the realization that his indifference or lack of care is not a reflection on my worth. God does value me, and so do my close friends and my church family. That, and learning to separate my own inner joy and peace from my circumstances. I can’t wait for him to change in order for me to be happy.