Reconnecting After 30 Years: Steps to Rekindle Romance in Your Marriage
Greetings friends and welcome to a sacred September,
How are you? Yes, you? I see you, and I am honored to know you here in this space. The week of this writing, I’m packing my bags with layers, scarves, and just enough healthy hope to meet the unexpected. This Alaskan cruise isn’t unfolding the way I once imagined. I have been planning this trip in my heart, soul, and mind for years. And now- plans shifted, some expectations are unmet, the weather may impact all we are able to experience, and yet, I sense a quiet whisper from heaven saying, “LeAnne, this will be just what I designed for you.” Not what I planned, but what He purposed. That difference, I’m learning, is the sacred space where peace lives. As the ship pulls away, I’m choosing to lean into trust, trading disappointment for discovery, and surrendering control for something far more beautiful: the adventure God has written into the next chapter of my story. Thank you for praying with me.
This week’s Question:
“What can I do? I’ve emotionally detached from my husband after 34 years of a fairly difficult marriage. He’s a responsible man, a good father, and hardworking, but I no longer feel a romantic pull toward him. Now that the kids are mostly out of the house, he’s beginning to notice how disconnected we are—and he says he feels unloved.”
Coach LeAnne’s Answer:
Beloved Sister,
Thank you for speaking this out loud. The weight of your honesty is sacred. And I want you to know: you are not alone.
So many Christian women quietly carry the ache of long-term emotional detachment, especially after years of over-functioning in relationships that felt one-sided, emotionally barren, or simply misunderstood. You’ve likely spent decades showing up, doing the right thing, staying faithful, raising children, honoring commitments, and somewhere along the way, the emotional thread that tied you to your husband grew thin. Maybe it frayed. Maybe it snapped.
And now… the quiet of your home has exposed the silence between your hearts.
Here’s what I want to tell you: grief is holy work. And what you are naming here is grief. It’s not just grief over what is, but over what never was. Over what you tried to build and couldn’t. Over what didn’t feel safe to say aloud until now.
It’s okay to say you feel detached.
It’s okay to acknowledge the numbness.
And it’s okay to not rush to fix it just because he’s now uncomfortable.
Emotional disconnection rarely happens overnight. It’s usually a slow distancing born of self-protection—an attempt to survive years of unmet needs, unspoken pain, or even subtle forms of emotional neglect. You honoring that truth isn’t you giving up. It’s you telling the truth.
You also said you respect him. That matters. It speaks to your character, that you’re not coming from bitterness, but from clarity. Still, respect isn’t the same as connection. Kindness isn’t the same as closeness. Duty is not desire.
Now that your husband is noticing the gap, he’s feeling the loss. That may stir his own pain, confusion, and desire for repair. But you are not responsible for rescuing him from that pain. His discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, this may be the first time the real truth of your marriage is sitting plainly in front of both of you.
This moment can feel terrifying. But it can also be clarifying. Not because it guarantees romance will be reignited, but because it opens the door to real conversation, real decisions, real integrity.
If you choose to share your heart with him, let it come from the part of you that no longer wants to pretend. You might say something like:
“I care about you and respect you. Over the years, something in me went quiet. I stopped feeling emotionally close to you, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t feel seen or cherished, and slowly I began to detach to protect myself. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t ignore this anymore.”
That’s not cruelty. That’s the truth in love. And telling the truth is never a sin. Being clear, as I often say, is kind.
The Bible reminds us, “Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ” (Ephesians 4:15, NLT). Speaking the truth, even painful truth, is part of growth. It’s part of honoring God and honoring yourself.
Now, you are wondering, “But what can I do?”
You can continue seeking clarity. You can pray for wisdom without pressure. You can invite God to search your own heart without drowning in shame or false guilt. You can gently, courageously, and prayerfully invite your husband to look at the marriage, not to blame him, but to ask whether true healing is possible, and what that would honestly require.
You can also choose to release the pressure to “feel in love” overnight. Emotion follows investment, but only when trust is present and safety is restored. Romance cannot bloom in soil that’s still packed with unspoken hurt or unmet needs.
And here’s the most important truth I’ll leave you with:
You are not called to rescue the marriage. You are called to walk in the light.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to require healing.
You are allowed to hope, but not to hallucinate.
You are allowed to rest, not just in your decisions, but in the arms of your Redeemer.
He sees you. He knows the ache. And He’s not asking you to fake love to fulfill a role. He’s inviting you into a journey of truth, trust, and transformation.
This isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of something more honest. And honesty, even when painful, is where God does His most powerful work.
You are loved. You are held. You are not alone.
Emotional distance doesn’t disqualify you from God’s wisdom, it draws you closer to His heart. In the silence between you and your spouse, God still speaks. ‘If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God … and it will be given to you.’ (James 1:5, NLT)”
So as I board this ship and set sail toward the still, wild beauty of Alaska, I will pray for and with you! I choose to release my grip on how I thought it was supposed to look. I may be stepping into solitude instead of shared laughter, quiet reflection instead of celebratory clinking of teacups, but I trust this: God is not surprised by the detours. He is the One who authors every chapter, even the ones I didn’t plan. This cruise may not unfold how I imagined, but I believe with my whole heart it will be exactly what my soul needs. Because wherever He leads, there is purpose. And wherever He is, there is peace. I encourage you to write a declaration as I have done. I will______. I choose______I believe______.
Have you ever experienced a moment where God’s unexpected plan turned out to be exactly what your soul needed? I’d love to hear, what did you learn when things didn’t go as planned?
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Leanne, I pray that the beauty of your cruise brings you peace and joy.
I turned once again to this site, looking for wisdom.
The title, “ rekindling romance”, didn’t seem to apply to me. But the question, and even more, the answer, reflect my own experience….
I’ve been married almost 40 years. Over the last 10, I’ve increasingly realized the truth about how dysfunctional and damaging to me the marriage has been, in many ways. I’ve also learned a lot about true self worth, boundaries, and what a healthy marriage looks like.
The short version: a week before our anniversary, my husband announced he was going on a trip to the town where we were married…alone. Instead of the honest, deep, “ one last chance” conversation I had hoped to have on our anniversary, I found myself writing a card for him to read on the day ( and editing many versions to make it “ perfect”. )
It showed appreciation and concern for him, but also truth, more plainly than I had ever written ( he seems unable to take in anything I say verbally). For the first time, I said that if he felt divorce was the only way he could be happy and healthy, while it was not my desire, that I’d be open to talking about it. He has threatened divorce dozens of times, and disappeared for days multiple times, most recently when our adult daughter said something he didn’t like. So I felt “ one last try” in a card was all I could do.
He said he read the card, now some time ago, but hasn’t said anything about it, positive or negative. He has been mostly pleasant since he returned home.
His pattern of behavior has always been to be pleasant, even thoughtful and helpful…as long as it is easy for him. The moment I say “ no”, or even “ I think differently “, or I ask him to do something he’s uncomfortable with ( like take me to a cancer surgery; or even something as small as backing me up, to choose my comfort and desires over a strangers’) he responds…badly.
After years of trying to communicate in every possible gentle, kind, compassionate, empathetic way, also considering his feelings over mine, I realized that to emotionally detach in a healthy way must also be high on my list of things to learn.
I’m now in the process of trying to internalize this truth:
“….you are not responsible for rescuing him from that pain. His discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, this may be the first time the real truth of your marriage is sitting plainly in front of both of you.”
Now the struggle is to stop mentally re-running the tape…did I say the right thing, in the right way? Is he going to disappear again? Surprise me with divorce papers?
Or most probably, once again deny all of his destructive behaviors, wondering aloud why in the world I “choose to be disagreeable to wanting to spend more time with him”…as though I am being selfishly capricious, not the reality that I am trying to protect myself from further abuse, and holding my healthy boundaries; trying to do my best to create a healthy relationship, as far as it is my part; while still showing kindness toward him?
In order to release this constant mental and emotional inner pressure to try again, to do something else, or to question him about his lack of response, I will keep repeating to myself :
“telling the truth is never a sin. Being clear, as I often say, is kind”
“You are not called to rescue the marriage. You are called to walk in the light.“
Thank you, LeAnne, and blessings to you. ❤️
Oh sister, I feel this very deeply.!
I pray God gives you wisdom and courage. I am in a season very similar to yours and it feels like the valley of the shadow of death. I am leaning on Jesus for wisdom and strength to seek and do His willl.
As I read the above post with tears strolling down my face I feel the heart of this precious woman as I felt she was telling my story as well and put it into words that I have struggled to speak after 47 years of a destructive marriage in many ways …
It isn’t what you thought it would look like yet inside you knew this wasn’t how it should be …. And now what, at this age and stage of life . I loved the words of “You are not called to rescue the marriage, you are called to live in the Light. Telling the Truth is never a sin , being clear is being kind….. “
Sitting in this place of asking God for wisdom and clarity for what to do and how to be kind and honest in my story… what I do believe with all my heart is that Father God desires for us to be in healthy and safe relationships so that we can! Be all that HE created me to be and that I alone am not responsible for his choices, but I am for my own 🙏
Thankyou for sharing and allowing me to admit in this place safe place that I understand this lonely and difficult journey of navigating this season of our lives . But God❤️
There is thankfulness in my heart to the women sharing their stories. You have helped me to know that I am not alone in my feelings of hopelessness, uncertainty, anger at myself for not recognizing the destructive patterns sooner, and a desire to follow God more closely. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I will pray for all of you and I ask for prayers for myself. Prayers…to stand up for what is right and true, to speak the truth in love, for wisdom and clarity for my next steps, and the peace that only comes from Jesus.
Thank you for the support and encouragement this blog post contains. Praying you have a relaxing and refreshing cruise.
Thank you for these words and for your insight. The scenery on an Alaska cruise is just amazing and you will feel Gods presence in a whole new way. Have a wonderful trip.
This post and these comments moved me. Within my soul I know the truth and have clarity and I also fear the alternative.
Thank you all.
Leanne, I sure hope your cruise is blessed beyond measure and I pray that it is beyond your expectations. Thank you for being real rather then overly optimistic and effusive about the reality of the cruise just like naming the truth about the reality of difficult marriage.
This right here:
“Romance cannot bloom in soil that’s still packed with unspoken hurt or unmet needs.”
Just wow! My soul needed to read and absorb that.
The path of God is, His steadfast love , and His faithfulness, please trust in God’s faithfulness not to the man.
Leslie says, God center woman and not man center woman!
!
I certainly can identify with these women.I live with a narcissist. For 53 years now I have buried alot of hurt and not felt valued. It’s truly the first year I felt like I matter too and must speak up..I haven’t felt a romantic connection in many years. I clam up and speak very little because when I do, I am belittled and feel like I have nothing to say they matters.Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know your cruise will surpass your expectations. Enjoy. Kayla Browning
LeAnne , your answer is full of truth nuggets today. That helps woman if us with clarity and moving forward to healthy solutions.
Have a great time on your cruise. Knowing you a bit , I’m sure you will find somebody to talk with on this trip. May you be enriched and lifted up in worship as you encounter the majesty of God.
Years ago, in late 1990, when it had been not quite two years since I first met Jesus, I was gifted a paid week off of work to attend a Bill Gothard Seminar. My boss was a Christian, Bill Gothard was a Christian, my boss told me, so I went, full of gratefulness and expectation. By the end of that week, I was convinced God wanted me to return to my marriage after being divorced five years. I was scared, but mostly excited to be obeying God and His Word. A new co-worker was not so convinced I was hearing from God, though, since my husband was not a believer and being unequally yoked with an unbeliever was spoken about in the Bible. About four months later, I was remarried. After the small wedding, attended by a few friends and family, we went our separate ways that evening, at his request. I did finally move to his house in about a month. I was devastated and knew I had made a huge mistake. However, my pride did not allow me to ask the preacher to not send in the marriage certificate. The life I lived for the next 29 years was not anywhere near what I expected, yet through it all, God met me, He shaped me, He refined me, He matured me in more ways than just my age. I truly became a new person. To be honest, for many years, it was messy, I was messy: angry, sarcastic, rude. As time went on, I learned that I was responsible to God for the life I lived and the words I spoke and the posture of my heart, not my husband. I released my husband in my heart and learned to be the woman God created me to be, not the one the world was trying to shape. Previously, when we had been married the first time, when my husband repeatedly neglected me, I was enticed into sin and made the wrong choice. This time, though I was neglected for 28 of the 29 years of our second marriage, I remained faithful to my husband and God. In return, I have seen the hand of God upon me in countless ways that are too many to express here. Though I did not get the reconciliation I expected, I got so much more. God truly met me, and in His presence, I was changed.
Right away tears came flowing down my cheeks when I read the reply. ” years of over-functioning in relationships that felt one-sided, emotionally barren, or simply misunderstood. You’ve likely spent decades showing up, doing the right thing, staying faithful, raising children, honoring commitments,” Seven years later, I still do grieve what I thought my marriage would look like. “Emotional distance doesn’t disqualify you from God’s wisdom, it draws you closer to His heart. In the silence between you and your spouse, God still speaks”. I could barely hear God speak in my marriage. With constant drunkenness, yelling & cursing we all hid & shut down in our bedrooms. I was living as a robot in married life. It was when I took a job and left a year later that I heard God loud & clear. It changed my life. He does still speak!
Sister you are not alone! I am grieving with you.
Have you ever experienced a moment where God’s unexpected plan turned out to be exactly what your soul needed? I’d love to hear, what did you learn when things didn’t go as planned? Well…lets just say HIS plans for me are still being discovered by me. When I get a little fearful I often quote…. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I tell God often that I’m ready, even if it means some pain is involved. Last April,… I heard, what if your not willing to go to the very places that could bring you healing? He said I’m making a place for you at my table amongst your enemies. In the last few years he’s brought me to places & people that I’ve tried to stay away from. Places & people I was abused or harmed by. Yes, my soul needed this. Through all of it He has shown me how he loves me. He is giving me a very unique testimony (in my mind) that just makes me grin from ear to ear. I tell him, I can’t wait to share what He has done. Hopefully one day soon I may be able to share the whole story. A story of love, tenderheartedness, provision, humor & presence.
May you find hidden treasures in the unplanned. “Fair winds and following seas”.
Wow. LeAnne, I pray you have an amazing time and feel God’s presence in the beauty of Alaska. A d I hope I e day I get to experience it as well. I can relate to everything you said. I have been wanting to go, hoping to go to Italy with my very des connected husband for the past 10 anniversaries. ( We have been married 35 years!). I have been disillusioned being married to a man who has not been interested in growing in His relationship with God or healing from his childhood trauma which keeps him in bondage, addictions and repeated patterns of behaviour. It is a difficult place to be when youre eyes are openness to toxic patterns in your marriage and you can no longer live in denial. I want to live in light and truth, but that is not shared with my husband. And it is a lonely place to be, indeed. But for the first time ever, I am learning to love my own company, heal, and draw closer to God than ever before. This is the third time in 8 years I have felt abandoned by my husband who retreats to the basement for months on end, after many years of neglect. But God is good and has good plans for me. You are all kindred sisters. Thanks for sharing
Have a great trip LeAnne.
Leanne,
Thank you for your transparency, I know that God is working in me as well. I too have been where you are it was as you were speaking my life married for 43 years. Disconnected for 33 years. Empty nester for 3 years, I ask myself now what am I doing??
God does have plans for me and He continues to, my determination to love myself first needs to come first now!
I pray that I can get to where He wants me.
Thank you.
LeAnne have a blessed trip in Alaska! Plant many seeds in peoples’ hearts as the Lord directs. You will have access to lots of people; use that access wisely for His glory! Amen!
LeAnne. THANK YOU. You have put into words what many of us feel, but never could express. You have lifted fog,
touched the heart, showed a fresh path forward with tools to build it, and even gave us a scrip to speek! thanks.
(prayer for all the woman who are making a new way forward ).
And LeAnne, may your Alaska trip be memerable. May you feel God in his handiwork, even in the cold Alaskian fog.
I have no idea how this even ended up in my email, but thank you for the post and all of your comments. I’ve been so lonely! What I’m realizing is the lack of communication has always been there, but the busyness of life hid it and has come out now that the children are grown and we are both working from home. The days it’s good, it’s really good, except that now I’m anticipating everything falling apart again and feel like I’m living in survival mode most of the time! But as I keep telling him, I don’t want to live a mediocre life! We could have been great together, but instead we’re barely together at all. I feel like I’m doing all the work to be better, and no matter what he does or says, he says it’s my fault. We’ve pretended for so long that everyone around us thinks he’s wonderful and does no wrong. I’m struggling with reading others comments that sound like they plan to live like this the rest of their lives. Is that really what I have to do?
HH, if you’re new to Leslie and her coaches, I have found so much wisdom, insight, and support though their work, and I pray the same blessings for you.
I was the first commenter on this thread, and I have a bit of an update, which may partially answer your question as to the probability , or inevitability, of living in the same pattern the rest of your life…
A close friend asked for an update from me, and I told her about my husband’s solo “ anniversary “ trip, and what I wrote in a card. I realized something: that while I had explained to him, multiple times, what creates a healthy relationship ( mutuality, reciprocity, and personal freedom, as Leslie describes it) I had never before specifically asked him: “is this the relationship that YOU also want?”
He hasn’t answered yet, but for me, just asking the question and realizing that I have done my part, I feel so much more free: I am no longer asking, begging, or trying to convince him to act in the way I think he should act.
I’ve handed the responsibility for his behavior back to him, fully, and I’m not taking it back ( ie, I refuse to accept blame or responsibility for his thoughts, moods, or actions).
The natural consequences of his actions still exist: I can’t feel close to someone I can’t talk to, can’t trust to care when I need him to, or can’t depend on to consider how his actions affect me.
But what I can do….finally! …is to stop trying to find “just one more way” to communicate so that he’ll finally, really “ hear” me. Yes, I still desire to be seen, heard, and loved, but I have communicated clearly, gently, repeatedly what that entails …the ball is in his court.
I can now focus on my own forward direction, being the person I want to be, stewarding myself ( another of Leslie’s lessons). I haven’t made a final decision on the marriage. But I have made a significant change in the patterns of behavior and communication that we’ve been in for years…just by my efforts in my own thinking and actions.
I just finally, really, truly understand: it’s not all up to me.
I can be 100% me, but I can’t be more than 50% of a marriage.
Living in Grace: Wow! What great insight. The Lord has shown you so much. Thank you for sharing.
❤️