Do I Have To Wear Sexy Clothes To Meet My Husband’s Needs?
Morning friends,
I survived pickleball camp. Four days of intensive training broke some bad habits and instilled some new ones. Yet, now that I’m back, I have more work to do. I have to drill and practice in order for my new habits to become a consistent part of my game. In the same way, real change in any area of our life doesn’t just happen because we want it to. Even when we see what we’re doing wrong, to change it requires consistent intentional action steps and often coaching and accountability.
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Question: My husband of 15 years and I have had many, many arguments about what I should wear in general and during sex. When I am vacuuming or doing dishes he will come over and lift my shirt when I’m wearing leggings or workout pants so he can see my butt. I tell him I don’t like this but he thinks I’m ridiculous and that I don’t understand his needs. He says he doesn’t look at other women’s butts, etc. This past time his response was, “Well then look like a butch and expect me to be okay with it.”
He’s called off plans because I changed my clothes and didn’t wear the tights or leggings I had tried on earlier. In the past, we’ve had arguments – huge blow-ups because I don’t want to wear slutty clothes during sex but would rather wear a cute teddy/nighty/dress. He says it’s all about me and I’m not meeting his needs. I’m so frustrated with not knowing what to do. If I put on the clothes I feel stupid so then I’m not “into sex” and he gets mad. But if I stand up and say these make me feel stupid he gets mad. I want to meet my husband’s needs but am I being selfish? I don’t like to dress girlie but I am definitely not butchie.
Answer: This is an important question because so many women silently suffer from this kind of pressure and control from their husbands. It might be around their dress, their hairstyle, or even being pressured to have surgical enhancements to their breasts or butt in order to create a visual their husband wants. A husband might pressure his wife to participate in sexual practices that she doesn’t like or want and if she resists or refuses, she’s told she’s wrong, unloving, prudish, or unsubmissive, especially if she’s a Christian wife.
First, let’s get something crystal clear. Your husband does not need you to look a certain way. He may like you to dress in a certain way, but it is not a true NEED. He will not die or shrivel up if he can’t look at your butt when he wants to or if you don’t dress the way he prefers when you go out together. Please take that pressure off yourself.
But the bigger question is: does he have the Biblical right or authority to tell you how to dress and punish you if you refuse to comply? The answer is no. I get it. Men are visual and we all have preferences about what looks good to us and what turns us on. It is not wrong for your husband to share with you what he’d like you to wear in the bedroom or when going out together. Just like it would not be wrong for him to say, I love sushi and I’d like to go out for sushi tonight.
The problem is not in his desire or his request. The problem happens when you refuse to comply. Then you are called selfish and there is a blow-up and argument. It seems you are not allowed to have your “no.” It is disregarded, demeaned, and devalued. You are “the wife” whose sole purpose is to “meet his need” however he defines it. You are not a person in your own skin, who has her own likes and dislikes her own style and preferences. You are to be what he wants you to be. That is suffocating and soul-destroying to you. It is not the mark of a healthy marriage.
You said you want to meet his needs. Let’s call it his desire because we’ve already established it is not a need. How might you do that in a way that doesn’t feel inauthentic to who you are and how you feel? To succeed in doing that there are two main issues you must tackle if you want to move through this problem in a positive way.
First, you have to stop allowing him to make you feel guilty for saying what you like and don’t like. You have to give yourself permission to be you, even if it disappoints him. Even as a wife, you are called to be a God-centered woman, not a husband centered woman. You are not selfish by saying to him what you like and what you don’t like. Let’s go back to the sushi example. If he loved sushi and you hated it what’s next? Are you forced to eat sushi because he likes it? Are you allowed to not like it without being selfish or bad? Is there a compromise so that you can go out to eat someplace where he gets to eat sushi and you can also have a meal you like? Or is the only solution for you to pretend you like sushi so that he gets exactly what he wants?
Doing your own work here will help you not be so easily intimidated or bullied by a man who believes you should like what he likes. It will help you speak up and stand up to his selfishness and objectifying behavior in a godly way.
God wants you to be you. He made you to be you, not him. Your main goal is not to please your husband, but to please God by being who He made you to be, not who your husband wants you to be. Click To Tweet
The second issue that must be addressed is your husband’s inability to handle your no without punishing you. You said that he will call off your plans when you don’t dress the way he wants you to. He tells you it’s all about you but I believe that’s a projection. It’s all about him. What he wants, what he needs, what he feels. And even when you’ve tried to dress as he wants, you feel slutty and uncomfortable, not sexy and he gets mad because you don’t feel like he wants you to feel.
A wise and godly husband wants his wife to feel comfortable and safe in the bedroom, not scared and dirty. Marriage, especially the sexual relationship, is all about safety. If there is no safety, there can be no intimacy. There can be sex, but it is not mutual, loving, or connected sex. It is greedy sex, which Paul strongly speaks about in Ephesians 5 where he writes:
“Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes – these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins…..”
Just because a man is married doesn’t entitle him to objectify or misuse the precious gift God has given him. It sounds as if your husband’s view of sex is more worldly than godly. You can’t change his view, but don’t let him infect you with it. Sex is an expression of love, safety, and commitment. Love does not demand its own way. It is not selfish. From what you wrote, you are willing to compromise and see if there can be a middle ground here in order to have a mutually enjoyable sexual time. However, it sounds as if it’s his way or the highway. Who do you think is being selfish here?
Stop defending your right to be you. Stand firm yet loving, fighting for a healthy marriage in every way.
Friends, if you were this woman, how would you love your husband best in this?
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I would tell her to look up the definition of objectification. What a selfish, dirty man!
In most cases, a husband simply wants a woman to wear something sexy around the house instead of “homely.” Men are wired that way. There isn’t a man that doesn’t get giddy over seeing a woman dressed sexy. They even gawk. NEVER should it be forced on her, but there can certainly be an attempt to dress “unhomely.”
Travis, imagine your wife asking you to do the same. How much time do you spend wondering if you look homely or frumpy? Why should women be expected to do things men won’t? You need to get over yourselves. Sex is private and women don’t need to be eye candy. We aren’t objects. We’re people just like you and deserve to have self respect and dignity.
Congratulations sarah. You made several points in each of them are almost exactly the opposite of correct. Should women do things that men don’t have to do? Of course. Men and women are different. Given your response there is a 0% chance that you would say that a man should not do something he doesn’t want to do just because it would fulfill his wife’s needs.
Most egregiously is the nonsensical statement that sex is private. If you think sex is private then you’re not doing it correctly. Sex is a team sport and in a healthy (and specially a Christian relationship) each person needs to look for opportunities to fulfill and serve the other person.
This is a good point. One question that no one seems to ask is why she would deny her husband such a joy when she could make him happy with virtually no extra effort.
Your husband is not your brother or an outsider. If you can be naked for him during sex, why can’t you dress sexy for him? Put on what please your husband because he owns your body in the same way you can control his appearance because you own his body.
11 Corinthians:7.4
The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
Start dressing up according to your husband’s preference and save him from looking at other women who dress how he loves.
First…not everyone subscribes to your version of Christianity.
Second…you do realize we’re in 2025 and I couldn’t disagree with more.
Third…good luck with your vision and let us know how that works out for you.
Robonie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If that is how you feel so be it. It is also important to note that your feelings have zero relevancy to the Timeless truth and instruction from the word of God. You say that not every Christian believes the way he does. There is no such thing as a Christian who places their preferences above God’s commands.
If you disagree with it because of current year then that is a spiritual failing on your part which I would encourage you to amend through prayer and repentance. Best of luck to you.
100% correct. Absolutely on point. Thank you for taking the time to say this so clearly and articulately.
What an absurd thing to say! I hope for your theoretical Partners sake you are not married.
I would love my husband by, when I say “no”, reinforcing safety. For example, “No, I do not feel emotionally safe doing that, wearing that”. When he blows, I would have my exit plan ready–“I’m leaving now, let me know when you are done being mad about this”. I’ve known men like this; I am aware that it might be days or even weeks of him being angry about this, so I would need to have a lot of engaging activities planned to keep my mind off of how he is treating me. I would love my husband by teaching him about who I am–my safety needs, my boundaries and allowing him to feel natural consequences for his immaturity. I would love him by believing that he is teachable and can be taught to love me as I am, by giving him the benefit of the doubt and recognizing my responsibility to teach him about his wife! Easier said than done…lots of love ladies 🙂
If your relationship was loving and mutually respectful to begin with I dont think anything you wore would have the power to make you feel stupid. Insulting your sexual identity or sexual preferences is demeaning. It seems your husband is acting abusively with just a bit of a different twist. Amazing how many variations they can come up with.
I love your answers. Could he be getting some of these strange ideas from some inappropriate place presently or in the past? No matter, he is still not following some basic Biblical principles like Romans 14:19 “So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” His actions are not building you up. In building you up it could become a benefit to him. This way, over time and if you sense he truly is changed, your spirit or heart could be more open to be intimate with him. So while employing the good boundary of distancing from him presently could you also let him know what does turn you on? He may only be able to receive one idea at a time as he is so full of what he wants; but could you try to say something like…”I know you want me to be enjoying you without negative feelings, so this is what will help me feel more positive (fill in the blank).” Please check with Leslie… she is definitely best in her counsel.
Sounds more like “his marriage,” not “our marriage.” When toddlers or little boys don’t get what they want (not a vital need) or won’t compromise, they sulk, lash out and tell you that you are the one that’s in the wrong. They are incapable of seeing the whole picture. It becomes “their” marriage, not “yours” or “ours.”
Leslie’s response was very good.
I feel bad for this wife. She must be demoralized after the constant badgering from her H to dress in ways that violate her conscience. She said she was willing to wear classy lingerie, but that’s not good enough!? I guess he wants her to wear kinky costume stuff. Well,
if you’re into that kind of thing WHOOPEE but if you’re not, then wearing that garb would make you feel awkward and self-conscious – definitely not aroused. I went through this to a lesser degree with my H. ☹️
My husband is like that also
Everything is about sex and money.
He has history is sleeping with prostitutes and pornography too
He even told my pastor that “ a wife should act as prostitute for his husband”
Sad thing is even if o try to dress and act the way he wants depending on his kids he can say
Take that off I want you naked or cunningly move me to be in his favorite position which make me feel as if we are fighting in bed.
He also brag about having great sex luge before he married me or telling me he will go outside and get it.
The church always preach how a woman should be sexually ready to satisfy the husband even when they are not in the mood to prevent adultry
Why are you with this man? He doesn’t get permission to degrade you and has a history of adultery. Please value yourself and leave this destructive relationship. I would also recommend you get STD testing regularly. I hope you are in counseling, precious woman do not allow evil to rule over your God given body.
I agree with Autumn. Joyful, you don’t deserve to be treated this way, and what is wrong with your pastor that he didn’t set your husband straight about his ungodly, sinful attitude? His history of adultery is grounds enough for a divorce. If you will stand up for yourself, the Lord will open the doors for you to get out and be safe. You are a precious child of God, and He doesn’t approve of your being treated this way.
Being available sexually does NOT prevent adultery, at all. The church and the world have a history of blaming the woman for the men’s sins, but the Bible says we are responsible for our own sins. In fact, a little self-control practice probably goes a lot farther to prevent acting out. Sexually addicted men are very often asked to go at least 90 days without any sexual activity, to teach them self-control and that they will not die. Many of these men (if they are sincere in their recovery) say that those 90 days change their whole life’s outlook. Of course, they need to also renew their minds, as the Bible teaches, meditating on the Word and gratefulness, etc.
The woman said she dormant feel comfortable looking sexy for her man and feels stupid or silly. As a man you almost wished you asked those questions before you married this woman but marriage is about compromising an ls conforming to be the best and get the best out of each other. I don’t know to many marriages where the spouse didn’t change to be better and more what their spouse wants in the relationship not even talking about sex but dealing with each other and our expectations. Here’s where I think most miss the mark. The world teaches about sex, affection, love, lingerie, sex positions, sex acts, etc. Church and the Bible do not. At least we don’t get our information and experiences from this source. We also find out what entices us thru sexual relationships. Most people on this chat have had sex before marriage and your already at that point where you started to refine how you viewed women and men. For most men under 45, pornography has dealt a major hand in the way they think and developed into a human man. In 2025 we as men have to keep our minds pure in a world we’re nothing is hidden from the eye, the clothes are more revealing and the women are more open with their desires and wants as well. Our world glorifies women no matter the shape and size that have the ability to feel beautiful no matter how revealing something the wear might be. You can’t get on IG, Twitter, Facebook without scrolling passed something provocative and sexual. And if I’m married and trying to stay pure I resist the urge to look and be drawn in. But remember ladies this is an everyday thing. Satan is at war with your husband and he loves you, only wants you and the only person he can have comes to bed any which way and expects him to be eagerly enticed when what he sees in public and rejects is constantly being projected in his daily life. Men want women wit a sexual appetite for them and some of yall are okay being anorexic when it comes to sexual appetite and sexual attitude. I think both parties are being selfish and both need to find a way to meet in the middle or just part ways cause it’s not healthy for either one of you.
John, thank you for your very articulate input. It is an extremely important point that women either do not know or to selfish to care. It is satanic and wicked for a woman lock down a man into a monogamous relationship and then act like his sexual desires are his problem and that he needs to adjust entirely to her preferences, comfort, and appetite.
Oh dear Joyful. It is not your reponsibility to ‘ prevent adultery’. His reaction to whatever the situation at home is always his choice. You have no control over that choice. Therefore no responsibility. I’m sorry your church seems to support this. Please continue to read more and more of Leslies teachings.
It sounds to me like your husband is watching pornography and he wants his wife to be his porn star. I would tell him he needs to get help, and he gets have you and porn. He needs to chose.
I went through something similar. On our honeymoon the hotel room was freezing and I wanted to wear a sweater to bed but he got furious and angry and insisted I wear the little lacy nighty I had! He was happy making love and I shivered the whole time it was miserable for me and he didn’t even care. He turned out to be a narcissist.
You know Leslie, it’s sad how you introduce a reasonable idea, namely that a man “asks” his wife to wear something special during sex, with a story about an asshole of a husband. there are a lot of red flags with this guy, but just because he’s a worthless fellow doesn’t mean all requests like these from men towards their wives is wrong. You did that with this story and is an injustice to men and and healthly relationships. You go too far in your “this is the kind of thing loser husbands ask” example. I know your ministry is about problem marriages and more aptly problem husbands, but you through the baby out with the bathwater on this one and it kinda sucks.
Men make ALL KINDS of concessions for their women and they can be just as disruptive and immasculating to them as a request like this (asked by a good man in a healthy way) might be scary and seemlingly objectifying to a woman. Your story, and most of the comments, empower othe women to stand up for their rights and identity and to claim their power. Yes, a battered or abused woman needs help to see the reality of healthy relationships. But that advice needs to be seasoned with salt, as it were or you’re no better than secular feminist movement who just bash men.
I get that this site may be directed to readers who have a situation which is categorized by a disproportionate amount of abuse coming from the husband, but it seems a lot of the commenters might not (except for Joyful–leave that guy if he’s acting up, eh?).
And before I am bashed for giving a contrary opinion, I’ve been married for 26 years, which I know may not mean anything in itself as a number. But I can tell you I’ve learned a thing or two about changing yourself because it is neccessary for the spiritual and mental growth of your spouse. Before your commentors bash me, I’ll have them ask themselves if they have accomplished the same.
Actually Jim, the “husband” that I describe in the blog is the husband who is punishing his wife for not dressing like he wants or happy that he pulls up her shirt when she doesn’t like it. I didn’t make him up – he’s the one she has to live with day in and day out. So although I think your answer would be appropriate if there was mutual respect in this relationship, this particular question was from a real woman who was facing a real dilemma and needed an honest answer. I stand by my answer. A woman usually desires to please her husband. Yes there are lots of compromises and growing up in any long term marriage. However, when a woman (or man) is objectified, not allowed to disagree or say no without a punishment from the other (not just disappointment but punishment) then the relationship is toxic and that is who and what I was addressing in this particular response.
Thank you for your perspective jim. Is extremely accurate and is a good summation of the poison in this article and in this chat. It really is a cause of Despair how incapable or unwilling so many women are and taking responsibility and accountability for their role in a relationship and especially a marriage.
My issue is the way you differentiate need and want. Does a wife need a house? She could live in a tent. It will not make her shrivel up and die! Does a husband even need sex? Plenty of people live in sexless marriages, they don’t die. I think someone can need something in their marriage, to be happy and fulfilled. If those needs are not met, its not the person that dies, the marriage does.
An interesting question is why a husband would want his wife to do something that makes her uncomfortable? I would never even propose a sushi restaurant if I knew my wife did not like it.
Now if sushi was truly a need for me, the option would be:
– We do sushi sometimes. My wife does something she does not like from time to time purely for my needs, and I learn to adjust my sushi need to a sometimes basis. That would be a compromise.
If either of us dug in our heels and we could not come to agreement of what sometimes means….well we would be truly incompatible and the marriage would fail.
Obviously this would work both ways, with the needs of the wife.
BTW I am completely against punishing your spouse. That just creates resentment.
Michael, thanks for your comments. I completely agree. I too am against punishing a spouse. AND, sometimes someone’s personal boundaries for safety creates a feeling or belief in the other that the boundary is to “punish” What if her boundary is done not to punish but to protect herself? For example, if a woman feels used and disrespected 99% of the time in her marriage, and yet her husband asks her for sex, she may say no. Not because she’s punishing him, but because she is no longer willing to disrespect herself by allowing her body to be used by someone who obviously does not care for her. This is biblically called stewardship which is her biblical responsibility to do. And, it invites a conversation (if the other is willing) on what can be done to create safety and trust in the marital relationship so that BOTH feel good during sexual intimacy. Otherwise, she is just functioning as a body to use, not a person to care about, and that is not God’s will for women or for marriage.
Thank you for speaking about this issue. Just yesterday evening my husband made me feel like a selfish wife after telling me that I dress up for others instead of for him. Then he proceeded to tell me how important it is for me to remember what turns him on are the short skirts and other things. I told him that dressing up before sex makes me uncomfortable. As a believer I feel his actions are selfish because he wants his way in the bedroom without considering mine. I cry and cry and hate when I do give in. But I’m putting my foot down regardless of how long he pouts and/or ignores me.
This is how men act when they’re addicted to porn, so I promise he doesn’t really love you. He loves what your body can do for him and that’s about it. This is someone who is deepen in an addiction.
No mg, men want their wives to be sexy. Pornography is not a factor. If you think that pornography is what drives men to have sexual desires and Fantasies Beyond whatever frumpy, no-effort, default with which you are comfortable you are mistaken. Rather than demonizing your husband’s natural and healthy desires, perhaps you could focus on being a better wife.
Which came first, the fetish or the porn? Is the fetish the reason for porn addiction, or is porn the reason for the fetish addiction?
My wife and I are lifelong Catholics, and our faith continues to grow deeper every day. We have a very healthy prayer and faith life. We have been married for almost 25 years.
I personally have a few preferences, but my wife flat out abhors the idea of indulging them. Randomly, however, she sees no problem in teasing me by saying things like “maybe I could wear nylons, and then I could dangle my heels for you,” knowing the effect they in particular have on me. When I ask if she’ll wear such things, she gets offended and tells me she feels objectified. (And then we don’t make love for an extended period, sometimes more than a month.)
Yes, I understand the objectification association here. However, here’s my problem: my wife’s idea of “dressing up” is a pair of tactical cargo pants, a “nice” shirt and boots (hiking, military, or maybe riding boots, but never with a heel). If she wears a dress or skirt, it’s 99.9% bare legs, and typically a flat sneaker-type shoe. And that’s her dressing up for church. If she wears nylons with the dress/skirt, they’re off practically before we’re in the door. The last time we went out to a nice restaurant, she wore the aforementioned cargo pants, shirt and riding boots. She insisted she was dressing up then, which was a year and a half ago.
My wife is beautiful without makeup (she may put it on once every few years, literally), and she is very healthy (all respects). But when it comes to dressing, she is homely. As a guy (we’re visual creatures, remember), I see women who are vastly less attractive (to me), but they catch my eye because of the way they dress. I also understand one of the reasons my wife doesn’t dress in certain ways (e.g., short skirts, tight-fitting clothes, etc) is to not draw the attention of other men. The downside is it really puts me off and I struggle to keep my eyes from wandering to other women who do wear such clothing. Again, as a reminder—men are visual. My eyes might be less prone to wandering if my wife gave me reasons to be content with how she dresses—even just at home or on the special occasion of our anniversary or birthdays. I don’t expect her to be in nylons and heels all the time, nor every time we make love. But special occasions would be nice, to be honest.
I’ve prayed so strongly and devoutly for release from these struggles, but I am weak and fail much more often than not. I wonder why do I even make exceptions and go out of my way to show my love in special ways for my wife, but it feels like she couldn’t care less about some very special things for me? I know there’s an aspect of selfishness here (me), but isn’t there also an aspect of selfishness for my wife too then?
Ed, my heart goes out to you. It is so heartbreaking that not only must you suffer this level of disrespect and selfishness but that so many supposed christians, including the majority in this chat, will demonize you for desperately wanting a healthier more robust sex life with your wife. You should be encouraged and sympathized with, not demonized. What you are feeling is natural and healthy and your wife’s response is the antithesis of a Christian attitude.
just stumbled onto this post, and, as a man, have some thoughts.
Look up and see how often “beauty” , and “beautiful” are used by God and His prophets. It’s a lot.
Looks matter. 100% No, you don’t have to look like other women, but you SHOULD look like your best self, and if you think you are perfect already, just the way you are, you don’t understand the gospel at all. If you think your husband needs to be satisfied with you without you doing any effort on your part, that’s pure selfishness.
If you had a man’s brain, you’d understand. Do I HAVE to have it? Of course not. Does it make me incredibly frustrated when I feel like other people aren’t putting the same effort into the relationship that I am? Absolutely.
Is it manipulative of a woman to use the excuse of ‘being uncomfortable” anytime she wants to get her way? Totally. Should men manipulate them back, or deny what their wives want to get even? No, but sometimes that’s the only thing that works, which is sad if that’s what men have to resort to to get their wives to meet their wants and needs.
You know what makes men incredibly uncomfortable? Monogamy. All healthy men. The sacrificing of the natural drives that men give up to stay faithful to one woman for a lifetime is EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Is it necessary to please God? Yes. Is it a Commandment? Of course. That doesn’t make it easy. And if it weren’t for God’s commandments on the topic, no men would be monogamous. God expects us to purify ourselves to become like him, and that means using a sex drive to raise righteous children and be faithful in a righteous marriage, while keeping it under a tight control.
Is there a whole lot that women can do to make their righteous husband’s lives easier??? Heck yes.
If a man has sexual desires and fantasies, does it mean he got them from porn? No. The people who put that stuff in the porn got it from somewhere…their own thoughts and fantasies, too. Our brains have this fascinating way of sexualizing just about anything. If we find it in porn, it’s because it was thought of already. Does porn make it worse? Absolutely. 100% But it’s going to be there with or without porn, too.
Men (generally) show their Love through their restraint. Women show their Love through their forwardness and boldness and confidence. If you think “we’ll, My husband isn’t like that!” than you have a much better husband than you realize or give him credit for.
If you want your husband to get out of his comfort zone and stay faithful, then women need to get out of their comfort zone and…. stay faithful to their husbands. If you want him to be romantic in the way you like, you need to be romantic in the way he likes.
No, it’s not a “need” like food or water, in that he won’t die, but for all living things, the only reason we pursue food and water is to reproduce and keep our genes moving down the family tree. The sex drive is just as powerful as the food drive, and not getting needs met while they’re being stirred up by living with a woman, feels like death, over and over.
Yes, we men have to take up our cross and “die” for Christ. So do women.
Does this mean blank check for whatever goes? Of course not. Does it take time and practice? Of course. Should a solid relationship be built over a lifetime? Of course. But that means noticeable progress from Both Sides is necessary for both to be happy in the relationship.
Thanks for your very sensible analysis Christian. I agree wholeheartedly with your description of a man’s needs and his responsibility to his wife and also to God. It is not often that we get to read a Christian point of view so thankyou and thanks especially to you Leslie for opening this up. Men are constantly bombarded by sexual imagery and questionable morals , so it is a strong man indeed who can remain faithful, especially if he feels that his wife can no longer be bothered with treating him like HE is special. He also wants desperately to treat you as a precious gem. Ask a naturalist e.g. a birdwatcher “What is the best part of a new discovery or observation?” And they will likely answer to the effect that it is the chase, the stalking if you will that is the exciting part. To get close and feel trusted or accepted is the icing on the cake. It is like that for us I believe. Does God understand us? Absolutely. Read Song of Songs if you doubt that. Wives, to present yourself as a beautiful creation for the delight of your husband may be just as important as cooking a special feast for him. By the way, I am more than willing to do my share of the cleaning and cooking. A marriage should fill us both with joy until the day we die.
100% accurate and very well said. Thank you for sharing Christian
These responses from other men are well and good, but the problem here is that women aren’t acknowledging what we’re talking about. As Christian alludes to, the general feeling I’m getting from the women in this thread is that we men are self-absorbed, and we’re dogs and they (the wife married to such a “pervert” or “domineering man”) should leave said man. I’m not seeing understanding from the other side or help for us men who are struggling so deeply. Is it so difficult to see how committed I am to my wife? I’m faithful to my one true love; I just have some unmet desires that I’d rather be met by my wife instead of fantasies looking at images online. (I don’t think it needs to be said, but just for clarity, I do the laundry in our house and the vast majority of dishes; cleaning and pretty much all household chores are shared between my wife and me. Maintaining our household is shared, it is not lopsided.)
I know my wife cares so little about this topic that she’d never come across this information (or anything similar on any website) on her own. She would never search anything sex related, not least of all any way to keep me interested. The real rub here is she knows EXACTLY how to keep me interested, but that ship sailed quite some time ago. And it seems to only get “worse” the longer we’ve been married—25 years now. In addition to her hating high heels and nylons and even dressing up for a special dinner or outing, she recently decided that she will never paint her nails again. She used to like getting pedicures, but without warning (after I suggested she do something nice for herself and get a pedicure), she said that nail polish is toxic and absorbs into her body and she won’t do it anymore. Furthermore, she keeps “threatening” to chop off her hair; she’s had long hair since we started dating 27 years ago. She brings up her hair as if she needs my approval, but when I say anything (“your hair is so beautiful, it looks great when you leave it down, I’ll love you just as much with short hair”, etc.), she gets frustrated and snaps by saying things like “you don’t have to deal with tangles and long hair”, etc.
When I met my wife (27 years ago), she had really long hair (past her waist), she regularly wore nylons and shorter dress heels (she’s never been a stiletto girl, unfortunately) and would paint her toes often. She did all that on her own, before I revealed my appreciation for all these things. She kept it up while I was more subliminal about my appreciation, but once my desires became more open, she all of a sudden became more resistant to doing any of those things. Now it’s full-fledged “why can’t you accept me as I am?” or “I used to be enough without shoes or pantyhose”, etc.
I know threads like this won’t really help me. I probably need marriage counseling or help with sex addiction. But 1) I can’t pursue either without the anger from my wife and difficult conversation about it and 2) my wife will NOT go to counseling (for anything—due to traumatic experiences when she was younger). What this leaves me is agony over my unmet desires, my struggle to stay interested in my wife who essentially shows very narrowly focused interest in me, and confessing my sins as often as I can to my parish priest.
I’d love to hear from Christian wives who also don’t like doing things [like dressing up, etc.] for their husbands and why it feels like such a 1-way street. I’m not asking my wife to do these things every time we make love, but once in a while would be nice. After all, as it is now, every time we make love it’s how she wants it: naked, under the covers, missionary, no lights. So as I see it, she gets her desires met 100% while I get mine 0%…
Just recently, we both felt the desire to “snuggle”. We were naked one morning and as I began to kiss her body, she writhed in discomfort and said she felt like an object. (She hasn’t allowed me to kiss her “there” for years, so I’m not talking about that even. I was gently kissing her side and hip.) Needless to say it ended in…nothing. We stopped almost immediately and got dressed and began our day. It’s been a month since we made love.
And yet… My wife will frequently reach out to me as I walk by her, to touch me “there”. If I deny her, I know it’ll be worse than it already is for me [sexually], so I don’t deny her. It’s never gratifying for either of us, but it’s a way she reaches out to me. I’m so confused about objectifying her and being objectified by her.
So I retreat to my sins of pornography and masturbation.
Joe-Bob, sounds like you do need to have an honest conversation with your wife about how you feel and how she feels and how you both want to go forward from here. Using porn is not going to solve your problem and it only adds to them.
Leslie is right. At this point, you have to “come clean” completely and totally and give up the porn and masturbation. Why should your wife feel any need to satisfy you when you can be satisfied elsewhere? Why should she take care of you when you are relying on other women to satisfy you.
Yes, it will feel like death. It will feel like you are dying. You will have some very long and painful nights. You will survive them. You cannot expect your wife to be uncomfortable for you if you’re not willing to be uncomfortable for her. And as the leader in the relationship, you need to pave that way, and when you’ve done it, she should know, not for bragging or boasting or to get something from her, but so she can feel you are trustworthy and safe, and then be patient while she approaches you.
And yes, you can and should enforce a healthy two way relationship and boundaries. It’s no good if she’s allowed to arouse you without finishing. That’s just torture. If you’re going to share the same room/bed/house, she has to deal with each of you being aroused. That’s part of marriage. If she wants to be married there are responsibilities that come with it. Men need to love their wives, like Christ loves the church: Being willing to die and suffer agony for it. Women need to listen to their husbands. (Paul to the Corinthians). No that is not equal or even or fair. But that’s what God requires of us. Women can and should help, just as men can and should help.
Good luck
Can’t you compromise? Naked one night, slutty the next, frumpy the next?