Spiritual Manipulation vs. Discernment: How Can I Discern What is True and Right For Myself?
Hello Dear Friends,
September is the season of transition. We’re closing out summer, settling into a new rhythm, and beginning to look toward the final months of the year. And I think it’s a perfect time to prepare not just our calendars, but our hearts for what’s ahead.
Fall can be a natural reset point. It gives us an opportunity to pause and ask ourselves: How have I been showing up? What patterns have I been living in? And what do I want to do differently as I move forward? Because for some of us, the months ahead may be challenging. They may be busy. They may be quiet. They may even be contentious at times. And rather than simply reacting to whatever comes our way, I think there is something powerful about stepping into this next season with intention.
I’m reminded of two quotes to walk out in this next season, “Hold yourself accountable for where you would like to take your life.” And the second says, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.” These statements remind me that while I can’t control everything that happens around me-or how other people choose to behave-I can take responsibility for how I show up, the choices I make, and the direction I want my life to go.
And so, as we dive into today’s topic, I want us to look at trusting our ability to choose how to move forward. Not simply moving forward by trying harder or doing more, but moving forward from a deeper place of knowing: What is good and true for you? What do you value? What do you believe? And can you stand firmly in those things, even when someone else doesn’t agree or your previous teaching differs from what you now know. Because ultimately, moving forward and getting healthy means learning to trust that you have a voice and a choice and a heart to discern wise counsel.
It means recognizing that what you value isn’t wrong simply because someone else doesn’t value the same things. Your needs aren’t automatically selfish. Your desires aren’t automatically unreasonable. And having a different perspective doesn’t make you difficult. It may simply be part of who God created you to be. And there is something incredibly powerful about stepping into a new season-not waiting for someone else to give you permission, but becoming more deeply grounded in who you are, what you value, and how you want to live.
Today’s Question: I am finally free and in the process of divorce. The past 6 months of freedom have given me so much clarity. There is one thing that took me a LONG, LONG time to combat, and it still pops up from time-to-time and I know there are other women struggling with this also, so I’d love for you to talk about it, It is this: The internal battle in your mind when something feels true and right (all of the counsel and wisdom your team provides) your mind fights against it telling you, “Of course it sounds good and true because it’s what you *want* to hear.” The idea of your “ears being tickled” and that you are being deceived by “worldly” ideas. Almost a cult-like mentality that if you dare to think any other way than what you have been taught, then you are being rebellious and wrong and following your heart, your emotions and the “world”, not God. That believing you have a voice and a choice and *value* is wrong, rebellious and not ok. It is an insanely difficult thing to battle. Any wisdom and truth you can speak over that would be very helpful to many. Thank you.
Answer: I am grateful for the clarity that you are sensing as you step out of your marriage and move toward healing. You have said that your battle is no longer with outside voices, but with your own internal voice. While you have not mentioned that your spiritual teaching has contributed to the confusion, you have said that you struggle with thinking you are convincing yourself of something because it is what you “really want”. I wonder if you also believe what you “really want” must somehow not be godly or good?
Not believing you have a choice and a voice can stem from early childhood, social or marital dynamics when we have been emotionally dismissed, wanting to fit in, wanting to make the one correct decision or being criticized for what we think and value. Also, many spiritual teachers believe that to “follow your heart” leads to dangerous and sinful choices and frames feelings as unstable, misleading and a tool of the enemy. So it’s quite possible that you experience feeling selfish or rebellious when your desires are not in line with the spiritual authority in your life.
We are designed to think, to feel, to judge and to choose (Deut 30:19). I love that our Lord provided us with a very capable chooser to lead and guide us, along with the written Word of God. It’s not a mystical knowing, it’s a trusting and yielding that as we ask for His help, he will generously provide it… “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” -James 1:5. I love that our God endows us with the ability to choose and He never surpasses our will to choose. Where have you experienced being stripped of agency, robbed of your free will or your independence being taken away?
Your question gets to the heart of how we know God and are able to discern his will for our lives. Scripture warns against self-deception AND it never teaches us that we are unable to know or follow God’s will. Jeremiah 17:9 describes a deceitful and sick heart (the inner control center of a person – the mind, will, emotions and moral core. Do you have a heart that wants to follow and obey God? Has your heart been redeemed through faith, trust and discipleship in Christ? If so, you have received the Spirit of promise that will guide you into all truth. 1 John 2:20 is the Lord’s promise to you enabling you to recognize false teachers and lies because God provides you with spiritual discernment. As a believer you have a new heart and His Spirit to guide you (Ezekial 36:26-27, John 16:13).
This is an important truth because it confirms the anointing of the Holy Spirit to guide you into daily choices, provide you with inner conviction and stability and to keep you grounded in the faith. Your job is to continually surrender your will and to confess sin as the Holy Spirit convicts your heart. Have you considered the truth that God has given you a new heart, put His Spirit within you to guide you into all truth (Ezekiel 36:26-27; John 16:13)?
Your will belongs to God who will guide you to determine your path or your next steps. Ultimately we answer personally to God for our choices and we must take this seriously and not defer our choice to others. We may consult with wise and trusted others who have demonstrated the ability to apply scripture with a strong biblical foundation, are humble and loving (not proud and controlling) and demonstrate a depth of understanding regarding your situation. But we are the decision makers of our lives as we consult with God in prayer to guide each decision and step we take. A loving God does not take away your free will or your voice and neither should any man.
Gaining discernment begins with recognizing that just because I disagree with someone I respect, doesn’t mean I am wrong or being deceived. Listening to the Holy Spirit who guides, instructs, and convicts, is different than living in chronic fear of being wrong or being deceived. Listening to the Holy Spirit who guides, instructs and convicts, is different than living in chronic fear of being wrong or being deceived if I do question what I’m hearing or have different thoughts.
God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). When fear rears up, is it conviction from God or a tactic from the enemy to confuse us and get us to stop seeking higher truth?
God is a God of peace, not confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33).
While we must remain cautious of self-deception, scripture doesn’t suggest we are incapable of wisdom; conversely, we shouldn’t assume every fleeting emotion is a divine prompt. In truth. Scripture calls us to submit ourselves humbly to God’s Word, seek wisdom, invite counsel and to ask for discernment. James 1:5, instructs us to ask God for wisdom and believe He will give to us generously, as we trust His power to guide us and reveal His will and direction for us. (Proverbs 3:5-6).
God’s guidance is not about surrendering your thinking to another person. It is about surrendering your heart to Christ, allowing His Spirit, His Word, and wise counsel to work together as He grows your discernment. As you faithfully seek Him, He promises to lead you in wisdom. God doesn’t ask you to surrender your discernment in order to prove your obedience.
As you seek God’s guidance with humility and wisdom, consider these questions:
- Can I listen to my emotions without being ruled by them?
- Can I examine my thoughts without automatically believing them?
- Can I listen to counsel without surrendering my discernment?
- Can I study Scripture without assuming someone else’s interpretation is the only possible interpretation?
- Can I make a wise decision without needing everyone to agree with me?
Having a voice and a choice is not inherently rebellion. Look at Scripture. Jesus didn’t create women who had no voice.
Esther spoke.
Abigail intervened.
The Samaritan woman testified.
Mary said yes to God.
The women at the tomb became witnesses.
Throughout Scripture, God’s people are called to choose, discern, seek wisdom, test, examine, and act. So the message isn’t: “Do whatever you want.” It’s: “Become mature enough to discern what is true, wise, good, and faithful—and then have the courage to live accordingly.”
That is a vastly different message.
Stand Strong, Walk in Truth, Rooted in Christ.
Dear Reader: Have you ever sensed God leading you toward something that felt true and right, yet questioned yourself because it conflicted with what you had always been taught? Perhaps you were told that “following your heart” is worldly or deceptive, leaving you unsure whether you were hearing God or simply listening to yourself. What helped you find wisdom?
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Wow!! That’s a good question and an incredibly thought out answer! Thank you. Something’s that helped me find wisdom in the web of things I had been taught that felt manipulating is isolation-the good kind, the kind where only the Triune Father can speak to me. The kind where I seek him on every next right move. Obviously wise counsel helped but even that was at times was bias towards me and against my husband. Another thing that helped me find wisdom was understanding the words better in scripture. The word will not return void and it truly is alive and sharper than any two edge sword. It’s hard to untangle all the lies but freedom is a felt, seen and understood truth that no one can twist! I’m grateful for this community and hope everyone experiences more peace and freedom in their relationships.
I love how you described that “good kind” of isolation. Creating space to quiet all the other voices so you can hear the Father more clearly is so important. Untangling the lies takes time, but there is something so freeing about truth becoming clear and no longer being twisted. I’m grateful you’re part of this community too! Coach Diana
One of the best things I’ve read from you, Leslie! (And ive read a lot of life changing and life giving things from you!) Thank you!
Mary – actually coach Diana answered this question, but our team is amazing.
Thank you Mary! I’m grateful you find it life changing. God is so good to us and I am grateful to be a part of the goodnes.
The questions you ask us to ask if ourselves are so helpful Coach Diana . I think that every major decisions the feelings of doubt and fear of chosing the wrong and sinful thing comes into play. Whatvwe do with those feelings and thoughts is wgat decides how we move forward or if we get stuck in fear and false guilt. Having God as our highest spiritual authority will help us find orace over the decision we make.
I’m grateful you find these questions helpful Ana. Fear and doubt can show up with any major decision, but they don’t have to be the ones making the decision for us. When God is our highest authority, we can slow down, listen, and move forward without being driven by false guilt. Coach Diana
This is exactly what I have been struggling with. Thank you for your encouragement!
I’m so glad this resonated with you. You’re not alone in struggling with this, and sometimes just recognizing what’s happening is an important first step. ❤️ Coach Diana
I sit in my car amazed at the timing of your workshop tonight. I’m 74 and I have allowed my emotions to control who I am most of my life. Last year learning my emotions are a gift was life changing for me. And yet I still struggle at times!
Healing is hard, the hardest work I’ve ever done, but oh so necessary!
I am looking forward to gaining insight tonight from the workshop.
I love this so much, especially your words about emotions being a gift. Healing really is hard work, and I’m so glad you’re continuing to lean in and learn, even when it’s hard. There’s no expiration date on becoming more fully who God created you to be. ❤️
Diana, I was in your CORE group Fall of 2024. My husband of 36 years had left me, Fall of 2023, cancer diagnosis came 3 months later.
I gained so much insight from CORE and the small group of ladies. Much was healed and I opened myself up to another relationship, much to my surprise!!!
We married January 2026 and while it has been the sweetest time of not only being loved but feeling loved for the first time in my life, it has also been hard. I quickly recognized my fight or flight. I’ve learned not to believe the lies this time, and take those thoughts captive. So when I read your article I knew I would once again benefit from the wisdom Leslie and all her amazing coaches pour into us by signing up for Conquer. I’m looking forward to growing and being stretched not only for my sweet husband and our tender marriage (this is our 4th marriage for both of us) but growing in Christ and confidence and learning to say NO in love.
Thank you
Cynthia, What a beautiful and courageous journey you’ve been on! I love hearing how God has used CORE to help you recognize those old fight-or-flight patterns and how you’ve learned to respond from truth rather than fear. What a gift to hear that you are experiencing being loved and feeling loved in a new way! I’m so glad you’re continuing to lean in, grow in Christ, and learn to use your no as you build this tender new marriage.
I hear you. I have struggled with this as well. MY conundrum goes deep. Because I do believe all that you have said here, how do I explain to myself how I ended up in an extremely toxic marriage to a pastor, when I absolutely did everything I could to determine God’s will in this matter. I was not willful, I wanted HIS will above all.
I prayed for direction and guidance and wisdom, believing I would receive it. Everything pointed to this being an answer to that prayer.
Sadly, I no longer trust my ability to hear God’s voice.
I wonder if this helps?
God’s will is simply for us to know Him.
That is separate, that is very different from our choosing who to marry, or how to spend our money, or what career path to go down, or any small or big choice he allows us to make.
Melodie, I have wrestled with the same thing. I sensed God telling me to marry the abuser. Did I hear correctly? Not sure. But what I do know is that all things work for good for those who love God. Romans 8:28. I was a devout Christian when I married my ex-husband, but admittedly also loved comfort and my ex provided physical comfort as he was successful and took care of his idol well, money. He claimed to be a Christian, then near the end of the marriage told me that he tried Christianity and it didn’t work for him. So God stripped me down and rebuilt me according to His will. Now I am strong, dependent fully on God, and far more useful to Him. I don’t think I would have gotten here without the trial.
Dear Melodie –
I really understand why this would shake your trust in yourself and in your ability to hear God. I don’t think being deeply sincere and seeking God means we will always discern perfectly. Discovering that something we believed was God’s leading was not what we hoped does not mean He has abandoned us or that we can never trust Him again.
Keep asking – keep listening. James 1:5 – is a promise to hold to. ❤️
Yes, I felt the confusion. One way I felt it was that I recognized that as a Christian wife I was not supposed to just be a wall flower, but I had no idea how not to be. I asked God for guidance, and years later I discovered practical tools and a new way of thinking. One very helpful resource was signing up for Conquer and slowly going through the Conquer journey materials. Another helpful tool was Kay Arthur Precept ministry where I learned how to study the Bible properly. I look at a whole book of the Bible as one unit. Is it history, or poetry, or what? Who was it written to? Why does the author say it was written? What was happening to those it was written to? If I find a confusing verse or part, I examine how it fits into the whole picture of that particular book. Through time and study, this helped me to see who God is and what a person’s life and reaction to God were.
The devil would like nothing better than for me to remain confused. He twisted truth to confuse Eve, “Did God really say you couldn’t eat?”
As stated in the response to the questions: God’s truth is that I am His, and I can trust Him, the Holy Spirit, to teach and guide me.
What do I do?
1. Recognize that other’s actions do not change that truth.
2. Recognize that God uses time well. I may want the answer right this minute, but it is wiser to trust His timing. (This is so evidently seen in the lives of those whose stories we read in the Bible.)
3. Identify my thoughts and feelings, then take time to see where they are originating from. (starting with asking God to help me see)
These questions from the response are excellent!:
“As you seek God’s guidance with humility and wisdom, consider these questions:
Can I listen to my emotions without being ruled by them?
Can I examine my thoughts without automatically believing them?
Can I listen to counsel without surrendering my discernment?
Can I study Scripture without assuming someone else’s interpretation is the only possible interpretation?
Can I make a wise decision without needing everyone to agree with me?”
4. Once identified, I often have to remind myself of truth. Then I ignore that inner conflict that wants to rear its ugly head, and I take action.
( For example: when I go to do something only for myself , my mind likes to tell me I’m lazy or selfish. Truth is: God told me to love myself first. Then, from that place, to then love others. “Love others as you love yourself.” So, I remind myself that I’m not being lazy or selfish. I’m taking care of myself as God intended me to do.) (And, as was pointed out, this is a thought out choice to take care of myself, which is very different from just, “Do whatever you want.’)
5. I remember that I answer to God alone, no one else. He has seen and sees everything about me. He knows my heart.
(I remind myself that I don’t need other’s approbation. God approves of me, warts and all.)