Do I Tell Him I’m Detaching?
Morning friend,
There was a lot of good conversation around last week’s question. Christian women have been strongly advised to “fight for their man/marriage” when things are going bad. And that’s not bad advice if you know what you are fighting for and the best strategies to do it.
Fighting with him never leads to a loving, safe, peaceful outcome. Fighting for him, may… if you use the right strategy. A wife is described in the Bible as her husband’s helpmate. That word “helpmate (Ezer)” is a powerful word in the Hebrew language. It means “to rescue, to save, or even to be strong.” It does NOT mean to fawn, enable, or stay quiet and trust God while giving into your husband’s dysfunction and sin.
Therefore, what does a “loving-ezer” wife do when her husband is self-deceived, unhealthy, toxic, and destructive towards himself, towards her, their kids, their marriage, and God?
She gets herself strong enough to do what’s right, even if it costs her. Peter tells us if we “suffer for doing what is right it pleases God.” In 1 Peter 3:17, Peter isn’t telling wives to suffer foolishly or endure foolishness but to be strong enough to do what is right. And that may cost her some suffering.
For example, an ezer-wife speaks the truth in love, she does not pretend. She has boundaries that shield herself and her children against his dysfunctional/sinful behavior as much as is possible for her to do. She allows natural consequences to take place, including legal repercussions where indicated. She finds support from others to help her children get safe, stay safe, and grow strong. She says no to being manipulated or love-bombed with insincere words. Biblical love means you do what it takes to help the other become his or her best self (not enable, cover for, or protect the worst self). When you take those steps, reality says some men might wake up and be grateful for the strong, loving presence of a godly woman. Other men will turn to attack the messenger. Isn’t that what Jesus experienced?
Standing strong in godly love, versus caving into fear is tough, but that’s the only way to fight for the good of the other, yourself, and your marriage.
Today’s question is an addition to last week’s question. It gives you one strategy of how you learn to stand strong when you choose to stay in a destructive relationship.
Today’s question: I have gone through the Conquer journey and it was so helpful. My question is: When you detach so that you don't keep getting treated poorly and are not shown any empathy, concern, or meeting me in my pain, do you let them know you are detaching and why, or just detach?
He betrayed me by having an emotional affair and porn. He has never met me in my pain, he wants me to not look back, only look at the good. He becomes very defensive, shifts blame deflects, and gaslights when I try to discuss anything concerning my hurt or pain. This has been going on for over 18 months. I chose to detach for my own sanity and health. He still wants physical contact and I just can't. Am I wrong in that? There is no emotional intimacy and to me, the way he is treating me is emotional abuse. Please help.
Answer: You asked an important question because detaching can be a very helpful strategy for you, for him, and for your marriage. However, I think you may have misunderstood both the definition of detaching and its purpose. You said, “You’re detaching so you don’t keep getting treated poorly and continue not to be shown any empathy, concern, or care for you.”
Friend, detaching won’t change what he does or doesn’t do. Detaching has nothing to do with him. It’s something you do for you. You do it to stop “needing” anything from him for you to be okay, and for you to get and stay safe and strong.
You didn’t mention how long you’ve been married or whether porn and disregard for you have been a repeated pattern in his life and your marriage. You also gave no history of what he was like before this betrayal and whether he showed genuine care and empathy for you before this incident. You say he wants you to focus on the good. Was there good before you discovered this? When deciding the best strategy to take for our own welfare, the welfare of the other, and the family, it’s important to look at the big picture, not just the moment you are in.
If the history of your marriage shows that generally he’s been a good husband and right now he’s stuck in his shame of what he did and can’t talk about it, I’d probably be less likely to detach right now. As his ezer (helpmate) I’d remind him of the good man he once was and ask him what happened to that man. I might even say, “I miss that man.” I might say it’s hard to be close to him physically or emotionally when he’s so shut down.
However, if his lack of care for you and your needs/feelings has been a pattern throughout your marriage, even if you’re not sure whether porn or emotional affair has been a pattern, then detaching can be a helpful next step for you.
To detach means you let go of your expectations (hopes) of him being who you want him to be. Reality says people don’t change if they don’t want to change or make efforts to change. You accept (not like) he’s unwilling/incapable of meeting your needs for honesty, care, compassion, and connection. By detaching yourself, you no longer ask, expect, demand, hope, or wish that he will be different than he is. That he will show care. That he will stop lying. Or that he will suddenly “get it” and have empathy. Jesus says it best in Matthew 7:6 when he says, “Stop casting your pearls before swine because when you keep doing that, they will turn and trample you.”
Detaching is something you do for your well-being, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You accept (without resentment) that you are not going to get some or any of your needs/wants met by him, even if he is still your spouse. He’s not going to understand. He’s not going to care like you want him to. He’s not going to explain. He’s not going to come clean. He’s not going to change his character into someone different.
He has made it clear that for now, he does not want to talk about what he’s done to hurt you. (Has that been a pattern in your marriage?) He does not want to feel his own shame or pain let alone acknowledge yours. Yet, like the husband from last week’s blog, he still wants you to care about his needs. And…maybe if you are choosing to stay married, you can decide to meet some of his needs with grace as his Ezer. Probably not his sexual needs as you’ve already mentioned, but perhaps his needs for a good meal, or for clean clothes. Perhaps you can meet his need for information about the finances, or children or grandchildren. Detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care about him or his needs at all. It means you have detached from expecting him to care about your needs. Detaching helps you stop pleading, begging, or guilt-tripping him and always feeling disappointed, angry, or rejected. Detaching helps you stop banging your head against a door that stays closed and locked. Detaching keeps you from getting repeatedly hurt because you have now learned to stop trying to make him be different than he has shown you he is.
Your question was: should you tell him you are making this shift? That’s up to you. I’d encourage to make a list for yourself of the benefits and risks of telling him. What will it give you if you tell him? What will it cost you if you tell him? Detaching is done for your benefit and strengthening so do what is best for you.
You don’t have to say anything because he will notice something has changed in you and your actions. He already has noticed when you have said no to intimacy. If he asks why, you can answer “I can’t pretend things are good between us when I don’t feel that way.” When you tell him that you declare your truth. It’s not up for debate. Don’t say more unless he becomes curious. And if he does become curious, ask him “Does it matter to you that I feel this way?” If not, drop the conversation. If he says yes, then you can continue with something like: “Are you ready to talk about what you have done that has deeply hurt me and our marriage?” In this way, as his ezer you are gently inviting him to self-reflect and decide – do I want to become a better man/husband here and care about what my wife says or needs? Or do I just want sex?
If he tells you, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Why can’t you just let it go” or “Forgive and forget, the past is the past,” which are very typical things men who can’t or won’t talk about these things say, don’t argue. Don’t explain or defend. Just say, “It’s not that simple for me.” Or if you’ve been around that same merry-go-round before, say “OK” and stop talking.
Detaching means you no longer need/expect him to answer or understand. You no longer try to get him to get it. You no longer hope one more conversation takes you to a new place. You detach from those needs, dreams, aspirations and hopes for him and your marriage. Instead, you now accept and work with what is.
For some women, there are necessary realities (children, financial needs, medical insurance, etc) that keep them in the marital home even if the marriage feels dead. Hear me: It’s ok to not like what is, but detaching helps you accept it and live with it in a more peaceful way.
Detaching from him isn’t about not caring or loving him as Christ would have you love. It means you no longer expect that he is willing or capable of returning that love in a mutual relationship. And if he wants to use your body to meet his need for sex, with no care for you as a person, it’s okay for you to say no.
Friend: How has detaching from unrealistic expectations of your spouse or marriage helped you grow stronger? How has it impacted your spouse or marriage?
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Wow, this post is a gift from God. I literally was asking myself these questions of whether or not to discuss detachment and if it is ok not to want physical intimacy.
My husband has shown a pattern of not being able to care about the repeated damage he has done, unwillingness to compromise or seek counsel, and expects the benefits of normal marriage to be available to him. I have been detaching for my own sanity and have received much peace from it. But the pushing of physical intimacy from him is uncomfortable. Next conversation will involve clarifying why I can’t be close physically. Perfect script provided by Leslie.
So thankful for the timeliness of this post. God bless each of us today with strength and God’s real love in us.
how did it go?i am currently on a loveless marriage,he himself told me his love for me faded 2years ago, (he cheated multiple times before he said that to me), despite all that my feelings are so stupid to stick loving this person, i badly wanted to detach but not breaking the marriage right now ( i have a young son who loves and idolizes his dad specially when it come to games) i am always heartbroken from hoping and i dont wanna hope no more,
Excellent, Leslie. Thank you. After doing Conquer I just easily slid into detaching w/out much effort. But this post helps me in sharpening it up and being more intentional. I can slip out of detachment from time to time and it never goes well, tho his true colors are then again fully revealed , confirming my need to stay in detachment. I did let him know at one point that I was emotionally detached from him and now he throws it in my face from time to time. I willingly meet his needs households wise. We do a lot together socially with friends, church and have a relatively peaceful coexistence, though emotionally dead. I meet his physical needs when asked but inside I really hate it because there’s zero intimacy. Gray rocking has also helped a lot. I’ve chosen to stay well at this time, but I really am sad that I’m in a marriage like this – lifeless and often meaningless. It’s very lonely. My relationship with God is solid and I feel His compassion and support in prayer and in the scriptures. I cling to that.
Also – Thank you for always offering proper verbiage to help us through these strategies.
One more thing – it’s super hard for me to read these blogs in this pale font. Any way you’d consider just going to black? Worth the ask!
Hugs to you from a grateful heart. – Julie
Julie,
You are not alone. Many of the things you mentioned in your post could have been written by me. It is a lonely marriage. But I was lonely before I detached from my husband. It certainly is not a reciprocal marriage with both of us caring about each other. I feel I have forgiven him for his emotional abuse for many years. (Although I have days when I have to continue to work on that.) But I do not trust that he has truly changed so I can’t put myself into that position again. Hence the detaching. He acts like it doesn’t even matter to him that we aren’t close emotionally or physically.
The one positive thing I can gain from all of this is that God is with me, I am his child and he loves me. If my husband does not value me, I know that God does. While I continue to stay well, I’m not sure how long I am willing to do that. As Dr. Henry Cloud says, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” I’m not expecting things to get better.
Prayers for wisdom and clarity and guidance…you are loved!
My husband has gone from constantly critisising, cold and detached and nasty comments for 18 years to being mostly friendly and quiet with the occasional jab. He said that he wanted me to be somebody else but has made his peace with who I am and loves me. He is working hard on saving the marriage and that is important for him. I feel he is being false in that you can’t decide to accept a personality you never really liked and wanted and now call it love. It comes out in the way that there is no deeper connection. We get along much better and there are many things to be grateful for, but we are at most housemates. The only things we talk about are movies and chores, not our personal interests, hopes and dreams. He wants sex, but I do not feel attracted to him in that way anymore. I dream about somebody who likes talking to me, sharing and listening with real interest. I want real connection and intimacy. I want to share my soul and body with someone I can trust to really want me just as I am. I do not want to have to settle for what we have just because we are already married. But getting a divorce would hurt him, our children, my parents and potentially bring out the nasty side again. I feel it is my potential happiness weighed against everybody else’s. I am scared of being unable to support myself and my kids, but I also do not feel it is morally right to stay in a marriage for the financial security, use someone for money, when you don’t love him anymore and actively dream about finding somebody else. That is just as false as pretending to like someone’s personality for the sake of the marriage. I do not like myself and who I must be to survive. I have been honest with him about my feelings and asked if we can just be friends for the sake of the family, to help me be able to support myself financially and then get divorced so that we both may find somebody who fits us better. He said he does not mind me not loving him in that way, he will win me back. He wants me as his wife and I am chasing something I won’t find in thinking I will find a deeper connection with somebody else. I feel stuck, but mostly I feel false and ashamed for being shallow and false.
I tried detaching several times and did not do it well. I finally detached this last time and was able to even accept that my husband and I might not stay together (he was expressing that he couldn’t “do this anymore” and had mentioned separation or divorce a few times in heated moments). My heart was broken, I was experiencing depression, I still cared about his well-being and wanted things to “work out,” but I took care of myself and our kids first. I stuck to healthy boundaries, told him what I needed, and didn’t argue anymore (or apologized and tried again when I did!).
Something changed about three months ago. My husband dropped walls and said he valued me more than anyone else, wanted to work on our relationship, and asked me what I needed. I did not jump in this time with a list! I held to what he already knew and what I’d asked for. Now he was willing to sit and listen, even to really hard stuff. And he owned a lot of it. He didn’t ever agree with the label of “emotional abuse,” but he was willing to take responsibility for the hurt he’d caused and to want to stop and make things better.
He has been faithfully listening to Pure Desire podcasts (we’ve been through the program—he broke the addiction to pornography but because of my decision to detach physically and emotionally he was struggling more), seeking a mentor, leaning heavily on God after a move and a new job, and seeking to meet my needs. When we have a conflict, he doesn’t attack or blame or walk away or get sarcastic. The emotional abuse or manipulative, hurtful emotionally destructive behaviors have largely disappeared! When we do have a problem, I get triggered and sometimes I see old stuff tearing its head, but he is dealing with it differently. I was wary at first, because we’ve gone through a roller coaster ride since I’ve known him but I think the change is real.
Not every spouse will make the choice to change and work hard and love you. I didn’t know how this story was going to end. I encourage you to lean on Jesus COMPLETELY and continue to grow and learn, join a Conquer group (I did!) and Pure Desire. Or, take a break from all the reading and trying and simply find friends who are in it too and will support and understand you, and listen to God’s voice. Write very clear needs and boundaries, and stick to them. Detach, and wait. Wait on the Lord. He will show you the next step, whatever that is.
Detachment was the healthiest thing I did for myself . It was painful, but it allowed my husband to grow. And it allowed me to not be part of the old cycle of harmful behaviors. We still have a lot to work through but I am so thankful my husband is making the choice right now to prioritize me and our marriage. That healing wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t detach and let him get healing and help elsewhere. I couldn’t change things. He needed to want change.
My Mom did this with my sexually unfaithful Dad, and he chose not to change. They divorced. She is happy and healthy today. She has an apartment downstairs in my sister’s house and has a great relationship with Jesus and has been my role model. No matter what your husband chooses, and when, God will take care of you. May you feel God’s presence and hear His gentle voice above all others. May He give you the strength and courage and wisdom to navigate your journey, and give you peace. Amen!
Sally, That’s a great testimony! Can I ask how long you have been married and what was the pattern?
I need to detach. I thought I knew how. I don’t expect anything from him . But my kindness confuses him. He thinks everything is ok when it isn’t and I’ve been very clear that I won’t pretend. I still cook etc but this makes him think all is well and he becomes very angry. He’s cold, neglectful , and spiteful when he doesn’t get his way. He has not shown the ability to show empathy in the pain he caused me (porn, financial deceit, emotional affair, neglecting me when I’m healthy and neglecting when I need to be taken to a hospital for surgery, as one of many examples). The world thinks he’s funny and a good guy. He can be as long as he doesn’t have to face responsibility or accountability. I truly don’t know what to do. He blames me when I have never betrayed him. He betrayed me. I discovered it , as it fell upon my heart and I confronted him. He became angry and refused to talk about it. I thought I detached well. But I haven’t. Idk how. It’s sounds much easier than it is. I’m lost. It’s toxic in my home. My daughter see this toxicity (his stepdaughters) and idk what do to about it. Again, I still so the wifely duties for Jesus , but it doesn’t keep peace in my house. Help.
Have you considered explaining it to him point blank? “I can no longer be emotionally invested in you because you do not seem to care about the pain you have caused me. I will continue to cook your meals, do your laundry, and keep up my end of the household duties as my way of contributing to the functioning of the household. Please do not interpret my human decency as a signal that I approve of your sins against me and your ongoing lack of care for the hurt you have caused me.”
Thank you for how well you have explained detachment. Please help.me answer this question.
How effective is detachment when me, as a Christian wife is taking care of the children, the mortgage and the bills alone and my husband doesn’t want to improve himself to at least provide his own part for the family. He is constantly discussing with his ex girl friend who lives in another country, lacks empathy, becomes defensive, does not see anything wrong in what he is doing etc. Do I ask him to pay his own share of the bills? If he doesn’t, how can I effectively detach? At this stage, I do not see myself as a “helper” but the provider. Do I let him stay while I pay all the bills and practice detachment or do i just seperate?. Thank you.
What did you do
you got out the words from my mouth, that is where exactly im in
I could have written this myself. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It sounds like you’re on the receiving end of loads of abuse, including coercion. For a long time, I said I wouldn’t “pretend” but my actions were just that. Still engaging in intercourse, cooking him meals, and serving him as a welcome guest in my home all sent the message that things are fine. I came to understand that this is a “fawn” response to abuse (because “fight” and “flight” weren’t options at the time), and I did it to keep myself and my child safe. However, it was eating away at me inside. I advised him that his behavior was abusive, and if it occurred, I’d ask him to pack a bag and leave. If he defended previous abuse, I’d ask him to pack a bag and leave. My boundary was that I would not have someone in mine or my child’s space that displays abusive behaviors. I met him in a public place to discuss some details of his infidelity that I knew about. He lied about some things, was truthful about others, and minimized most of it. While in public, I made the request that he return home and pack a back, and my dad was outside for support. If he had not agreed to my request, I had already packed a bag and sent it to my parents’ when they picked her up that morning. I was prepared to hold my boundary either way. I hope you’re able to make a safety plan and find safe people.
Wow! That’s the best explanation I have ever heard Leslie
This makes it black and white.
I listened to your detachment podcast 60 days straight a year ago. It was excellent. Really helped me detach. But this now this really draws a line in the sand of what Christian detachment looks like and it’s about not needing them to fulfill your needs and not expecting them to.
I was doing it a little to much the other way and seeing it as a shield to protect me which causes anxiety fight flight
But not needing and expecting sounds like Peace.
I would love to hear this said on a live facebook by you.
And get to discuss it.
This is totally what we all need to hear.
We really need to get that down to stay healthy w a narcissist
It’s taken me a very long time to be able to fully detach – and some days I’d even debate if I truly have inside my heart – but that’s probably more grief than anything I think. This was a hard truth for me in my journey – he had the typical responses, didn’t understand, tried to debate, tried to get me to see things his way, minimized my feelings and justified his. I see it so clearly now that I’m out fully of that relationship, but when there are serious trauma bonds and long term attachment, wow, is this extremely hard. I’ve finally landed at the place where I am able to truthfully say I am loving him BETTER by not being in a relationship with him. His choices have clearly defined for me that he needs the time and space to work through his own issues himself – and I don’t need to be the one pointing them out to him, as they don’t impact me any longer. This is reflective of my own boundaries and choices by not being in relationship with him any longer. Not what I saw for my life, but the path I am on. Thank the Lord that He already knew all of this and provides beautiful groups like this and others who have gone before. Stay the course sweet sister! Clarity will come.
This has been such a hard journey. What I find hardest is to let go of the thought that surely he must have some small sense of logic even if there is no empathy. Nope.
One super helpful resource is the Living Free workshop from btr.org.
Wow. So good. I am lucky that I came across this blog today. I have been detaching myself for the last two years or more. But I have been feeling guilty about it but on the other hand I need to survive. This blog put peace into my heart and also gives me strategy of moving forward. My husband just this week told me not to talk about the past. Everything will be fine from now on in his view. He doesn’t want to listen to my hurt or my feelings. Basically, he told me to forgive and forget.
Thank you Leslie! This is such a good description of detachment
The questioner’s details are mine. Porn- no accountability only blame. Followed by an 18 month emotional relationship. Control and rage starting in the first months of the now 14 year second marriage for us. Control and rage with him moving on as if it never happed despite my appeals for a healing process. In rare moments with head in hands shame (but no empathy), he’s admitted to me all his family talked about was his anger.
Biblical counseling, 2 prayer intercessors, and pastors have brought only a false facade by him but has been indefensible against my record keeping. I am 65, had victory over CLL to the degree that my protocol data related to an effective target against multiple cancers has been collected and could be another open door for the business with a targeted remedy. I already have an out of options breast cancer patient whose diseased is reversed and her doctor said that she is shocked. I pray that God will continue to bless my business and give me a better financial scenario to make it on my own financially. “Be still and know I am God” and “I will fight for you”
I have been detached for about 4 years now. My older two young adult children have moved out on their own but our 19yo daughter has mental health issues with crippling anxiety and lives at home. It doesn’t feel like detachment is working while trying to help her.
It was mostly emotional and some physical abuse all through their childhood. Now he seems to be retired (lost his c-suite job) and never looked for another job and basically does nothing. He has always been angry and still daily yells at our daughter who shrinks away from him. He puts no effort into relationships. It’s all about him and his viewpoint. He won’t listen to the coaching advice from her therapists which needs both parents under the same roof to adhere to it, or it won’t work.
My young adult kids want nothing to do with him. He has always disregarded us, except when he needed to show us off, but we dealt better with it when he was working because we would get a break from it all when he travelled. When I had surgery and was laid up last year I went hungry for a couple of days because I had no use of my arms. He fixed food for himself and went off into another part of the house to eat.
Our daughter is just a shell battling this terrible anxiety (never comes out of her room other than for food) which is even worse now, since there are no longer any breaks. I have made a life for myself and requiring nothing of him but she’s in prison. I don’t feel like my detachment is helping me stay well because my daughter is suffering in this environment. Help.
Is it time to consider divorce?
Your daughter is old enough that there would be no custody issues.
Maybe scheduling an appointment with a lawyer would help you to clarify your options.
I agree with R. Your daughter has come to you for safety, but you remain in a situation that is unsafe. Even if it’s not divorce, separating yourself and your daughter from his harm is your responsibility. Yes, it might mean a complete change in lifestyle, unwanted legal involvement, and post-separation abuse, but you have a responsibility to keep your child safe. Nineteen is legally an adult, but with the debilitating mental health concerns you mention, I’d say that you’re the one in charge here. You may have remained during their childhood years, but you can still do the right thing now. Your daughter’s life depends on it.
Renee, your daughter is suffering. Is she able to go live with one of her siblings? What keeps you staying there when you know how harmful he’s been to her and you?
Detachment was something that happened in my marriage after something just broke inside me and I knew that he was not going to change and I’d tried everything I knew to try and fix things. It took me 24 years to get to this point but it came after a few years of being back together after a 3 year separation that I thought I’d let him know things were not going great and things were going back again how they’d been before and if he had any ideas what we could do to work on our marriage. It took around a year for me to even be brave enough to bring up this topic and his reply was that he was a normal man, I’m the one who has changed and become feminist, all the problems are my fault and any other man would have divorced me long ago. I don’t know why but this was the breaking point for me. I knew I had to protect my heart and detach emotionally.
There was a lot of grief for me and trying to work out how to detach living in the same house. I was still polite and still cooked dinner, washed clothes and did all the housework I’d done before but he noticed something was different and suddenly started initiating us going places together (before it had always been me). I went a few times but it was so hard as things usually ended in arguments and I came to the point I can’t pretend and go out with him when our marriage is broken. It was just to, hard for me so I made excuses for a while when he asked me out trying to build up courage to set this boundary.
Finally he sent me a message if I’d like to go out somewhere when I was free. I knew I had to tell him the truth so let him know we can go out as a family but I didn’t want to go out as a couple as it always ended in arguments. There was so much blame and manipulation and anger thrown at me it was so hard. So much grief again but I knew I had to stay strong. Then there was silence. Before his silent treatment lasted for a week or 2 at the most but this one went on for months. He had started washing dishes occasionally after dinner as I now worked full time too but this stopped. I still cooked for him and washed his clothes but he never ate dinner with us. It felt so uncomfortable being in the same house but not talking. I felt like I was going crazy and every day was hard to get through. I didn’t know what he was planning was he going to leave? I tried asking him but he never replied.
After 3 months of this both my neurologist and pastor suggested to me I don’t have to wait for him to move I can move. This was so scary to me but I then spoke to my 3 children (all over 18) that were living with us and they all thought it was a good idea and I could see this situation was not good for them either. I looked and applied for properties part of me not caring if it took a year to find something as financially I wasn’t sure how I’d cope. God provided not only a place but a beautiful place. It was small but had all we needed plus so many extras and a kind landlord who was very welcoming.
I sent my husband a message telling him we were moving in a few weeks. Suddenly he started speaking to me again and washing dishes again. He wanted to talk to me about the future. I had to be firm and say I’m moving I’ve already paid the bond. He held a family meeting with the kids crying and telling them how I didn’t love him anymore and how much he’s going to miss us. It was horrible and hard but we left and I know it was all God as I never ever thought I could do it. It all started with the detachment and in my case this led to separation. It was hard and there was a lot of grief but I now am finding healing and am living in a peaceful and safe home where I have the freedom to be me. And God has provided financially, socially with friends and in comforting me through my grief.
Bless you, Angela. I’m blessed to hear how God provided for you and your children. He’s doing the same for me and my daughter.
“ Detaching” has been such a hard concept for me to understand. I think another way of viewing it is through the lens of Boundaries ( Leslie has lots of helpful posts on boundaries):
My boundaries define where I stop, and someone else starts.
I am responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions, and personal growth.
I am not responsible for any other adult’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions, and personal growth.
For decades, I thought my husband’s attitudes and actions WERE my responsibility, to manage, contain, fix, compensate for, excuse. ( classic People Pleaser) . I thought if I did more, asked less, tolerated everything, “ kept the peace”… he would eventually have to see all I’ve sacrificed and done for him and the family, and return the love, care, empathy, and support I’ve given him. After all, he must have a surfeit of those graces by now, since I was doing 90% of the giving, and he was doing 90% of the taking?
And now I’ve learned…that doesn’t work…no matter how many sermons told us that was the “ wife’s” role. It doesn’t create a happy marriage in any sense.
“Boundaries “ means not only being responsible only for myself, and not taking on others’ responsibilities: it also means REFUSING TO TAKE THE BLAME for someone else’s actions, attitudes, thoughts, or feelings.
Not only to refuse to accept my husband’s and some church’s attempts to blame me for my husband’s behavior ( “ he’d be nicer if you gave him more sex…regardless of how he treats you or whether you feel loved”) but also REFUSING TO BLAME MYSELF for my husband’s behavior ( the: “if I just give more, give up more, then he’ll love me” attitude).
I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect anyone else to be.
It goes back to Leslie’s basic definition of a healthy relationship, that it must be one of mutuality, reciprocity, and personal freedom.
When I ( very gently) shared that concept with my husband a few years ago, he proclaimed it “ unattainable “.
Why can I offer empathy, support in every way, respect, honor, kindness, forgiveness, and love to him…yet he finds it “ impossible “ to listen to, care for, or empathize with me?
Is it because I don’t deserve those gifts of relationship?
Or that I haven’t “ done enough” to “ earn “ consideration, honor, and care?
No!
Boundaries say that I’m responsible for my own actions, thoughts, growth.
Detaching means I no longer accept from him or from others, or take upon myself, the blame for how my husband thinks, acts, or treats me.
I can detach by giving up expecting my husband’s attitudes and actions to change in the ways I had hoped they would.
It’s his choice to remain the way he is.
It’s my choice to stop pretending or acting as though his behavior and choices are in any way my responsibility.
I will still be myself, doing my best to live in CORE values, and to take care of and responsibility for myself.
Detaching, to me, is to give up trying to do my husband’s work of personal growth for him, in any way, while continuing my own journey of personal growth.
And detaching is also allowing myself to see reality.
Detaching doesn’t mean I give up my boundaries, my perspective, my self -respect, or even my hope for a happier future.
It’s detaching from trying to control anything that isn’t within my power to control; being my healthiest self in every way; and giving up the fantasy, blame, or expectation that I have any obligation to negate myself to even momentarily supply someone else’s selfish wants.
Excellent!!!
Amen!
Detaching has been a process for me as my heart still ached for things to change and for true connection for a long time. Now, I am now coming to accept the reality that my husband is unwilling to change so detaching has become my choice and is proving to be a blessing and I am much less reactive to his covert tactics. I realised I have been grieving my lost dreams of a happy and loving home and am coming to the place of accepting what is and of choosing to live my best life in spite of the situation. It has been a good change as it gives me a forward vision, not the vision I would have originally chosen but it helps to control some of the anxiety and I am living more peacefully and enjoying the freedom to choose for myself.
I’m working on detaching. Married to porn addict for 40+ years. I was so ignorant. About five years ago my eyes were opened to the lies, deception and cheating that had been going on all this time. I screamed, pleaded, cried, begged him to stop and/or get help. I said everything I was feeling — a waste of my breath. He has no empathy. Has never apologized. Never taken any responsibility. He suggested that I forget it all. Nope.
Five years ago I told him that I have no interest in being physical with a cheater, and he said he was not going to touch me again, and he has kept his word. No contact — no hug, no hand holding, nothing — not even as I went through months of chemo.
I forgive because I’m commanded to. But I don’t have to endure this kind of abuse. This is not God’s idea of marriage.
This is life giving information as a Christian! I’ve been married for 15 years and it has been tumultuous. We have spent thousands on counseling and medication. He had a porn addiction that led to massage parlors, dating sites, and so many other kinds of inappropriate behaviors. He eventually turned to food and ended up with Type 2 Diabetes. We’ve almost lost our children and have endured financial hardships as a result of poor choices. He lies about so many things. I’ve expressed my needs and how his behavior has effected me, but it’s not until I confess to someone else what is going on, does some of the behaviors change. I am constantly being blamed for his behavior and accused of things I didn’t do or say. He withholds communication and affection. He has BPD and despite the thousands spent and years of therapy, he hasn’t truly put in the effort. We have separated multiple times. I’m literally exhausted and emotionally drained. We have three kids still fairly young and our oldest was in therapy for a year. Thankfully, she is thriving now but to this day he has not been engaged her healing process.
What if the “he” in your analysis is “she”? Circumstances the same, but she is the avoidant.