When Your Husband Seems ‘Godly’ And You Can’t Find the Words to Say What is Actually Happening
Hello friends!
As we step into Summer, we are offering one of my favorite group coaching opportunities of the year. It’s a drop in group coaching format and we are taking a magnified look at the ways in which People Pleasing sneaks into our lives.
I’d like you to consider joining us for this wonderful growth opportunity. You can learn more at www.leslievernick.com/movingbeyond. We are doing 6 weeks of coaching around a video based curriculum, along with providing you an e-book on People Pleasing.
Speaking of pleasing others, how many of us have made decisions in our lives and find a lack of support and possibly even condemnation by people we have walked with, looked up to and trusted as our friends and mentors? Today’s question speaks of the hurt we endure when this happens. So read along…
Today’s Question: I left my psychologically abusive husband of over 25 yrs. Condemned by church. My problem is how to explain that he abuses with an innocent explanation? Example: “Every time the cat sees you he gets upset and I have to take him to the ER. It’s cost me too much so if he gets sick again I’ll have to let them put him down”. Next time I need to gather belongings I say, “Please remove the cat”. He says, “Why?” He rarely shouts or calls me names or is overtly cruel. He’s much more sinister. Can you address this? How do I explain this to my pastor when my husband is viewed as a godly man?
Coach Diana’s Answer: Dear Friend, I first want to say leaving an emotionally abusive marriage after 25 years is not the result of failure on your part, but takes courage, prayer and faith and is an act of self-protection. The kind of courage that chooses safety and truth regardless of who believes you. The harm that came to you was not obvious, but was a slow erosion of undermining, blaming you for his emotional state with threats disguised as concern. It can leave you doubting your own perceptions and carrying a heavy emotional load in the relationship. Living years in a marital dynamic like this can lead to chronic anxiety, a loss of self and confusion. This type of abuse isn’t just sin, it is a profound betrayal of the safety a marriage should provide.
It is hard for me to understand how it doesn’t occur to others that all that meets the eye is not truth and that speech can be manipulative and persuasive. We are to be wise and discerning, testing spirits to see if they are of God and of truth. This is where, as a body, we can become so easily deceived…believing the masks and images that others portray as true self. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I truly hear your desire to be validated and supported by your church family and it is incredibly challenging to articulate what happens behind closed doors in a way that others can truly comprehend the depth of its impact on you. After decades of enduring “covert abuse,” the resulting damage is extensive. This cumulative harm erodes your sense of worth and clarity, feeling like a thousand tiny paper cuts that eventually merge into a deep, festering wound.
My question for you is now that you have left, how will it help you to defend your position and engage in conversations explaining his abuse toward you? Explaining covert abuse is hard because it rarely looks abusive when someone is repeating it back. A person who is covertly abusive often doesn’t use cursing, shouting, or is openly threatening. He may speak in calm sentences that sound reasonable on the surface, but there’s a hidden message of fear, blame, and punishment. And let’s just name the big one, which is control.
Abuse is aimed at control. And context is everything. Words can be crafted and manipulated to portray a false narrative – you have indicated this is what happens to you. You have named his behavior sinister. That is a good word that describes your experience. The word sinister speaks of lying and twisting the truth in an effort to distort and manipulate. Such an act and persons who habitually commit these acts are not of God – John 8:44.
Cruelty is not always demonstrated with words alone. It’s often in the pattern, the timing, the history, the private meaning behind words and actions and the fear that is created in you as a result.
The sinister part is when an abuser appears to be an angel of light who appears godly, gentle, generous, and reasonable to everyone else. He knows how to speak the language and often looks repentant and concerned, sometimes assuming a victim perspective. We know that such a person can be very well respected at work, at church, and still be very oppressive and coercively controlling at home. These acts the Lord despises (Proverbs 6:16-19).
This kind of harm doesn’t always leave bruises, but it leaves confusion, fear, and a gradual loss of self. When you experience this type of abuse it is a struggle to explain what’s happening because each individual moment may seem small or dismissible. However, when those moments are repeated in patterns, they create an environment that is oppressive and deeply damaging.
Perhaps you may decide to use your voice and speak up to those in your church who are dismissive. You might explain that although your husband doesn’t look abusive to others, at home you experience a much different man. The man you live with demonstrates a clear pattern of subtle and manipulative behavior that is neither Christlike or loving. You may choose to say he creates fear and confusion and often responds as if he is clueless and his seemingly innocent explanations and demonstrations of godly behavior to others are not consistent with the man you’ve lived with for 25 plus years.
Please know that even if you are not believed, you have used your voice to speak truthfully about your marriage and you have advocated for yourself. If your church condemns you for leaving without understanding these hidden patterns of abuse, this could result in spiritual harm to you. Harm that you will ultimately need to address and work through. However, you are allowed to name the truth of what happened and you do not have to convince others of what you endured. God is not mocked – what we sow we will reap – Gal 6:7-9. God is not fooled by persuasive speech and false narratives.
Ultimately, our responsibility is to please God. It is not our job to please others or convince them of our decisions and choices in an effort to gain their approval. 1 Thessalonians 2:4. His promise is for you today. Read Jeremiah 30:17.
Friend, how do you stay grounded in the truth of your own story when others don’t see it, don’t understand it, or fail to validate your reality?
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I am sorry you are going through this. Please also remember God and his word are the ultimate authority, not your pastor or the clergy. Know your Bible, then you know the truth and you can stand in it.
Jane, what I have discovered is many women in this situation DO READ their Bible. However, the Word has been perverted by the Body to mean something that it doesn’t. Unless this woman finds a group of true godly women who can help her to see and hear from the Holy Spirit that what she’s been taught isn’t the truth she will struggle to believe it. Satan wants us living in shame and he often uses the Church to escort us there.
Jane I am so sorry for what you experienced . It is very sad that many times rather than helping the church further hurts. I was married for 19 years & there was emotional & verbal abuse.. The Lord in His Grace and mercy helped me to see through His word that the oppression was not ok and led me to freedom! Many people don’t understand and are so hyper focused on telling a woman not to divorce at all costs that they ignore the pain and suffering happening. And ignore the fact that that woman has biblical grounds to take firm stands and flee if needed, “love protects” & that includes ourselves if needed. Praying that the Lord would heal and restore you! The Lord Defends the best. In many cases for me I don’t even try as people just don’t get it. But when I can simple truth statements is what I try to stick to. Rest in the Lords love for you & know that everyone doesn’t have to understand. As long as you do…. There is no place ever for oppression and mistreatment in marriage. 💕
This is a hard part of the journey. It feels very validating when others understand. But vindication belongs to God. If we do what God walks us through THAT is all that matters. Trying to please “man” really is an evil snare. It can seem righteous to explain why but the confusion even to us is real so how are we going to convince someone outside of the abuse. It’s a lonely journey until you realize Christ is Enough, more than enough. Stay humble. Heal. Rest. LIVE! No one needs to understand or know our stories. We don’t pry into their personal life. Staying grounded for me looks like long walks or bike rides, deeper breaths, being creative, eating healthy, leaving behind a victim way of thinking, peaceful environment, new hobby, meaningful friendships and letting go and “let them” of expectations and desires to be heard valued and understood by people who liked us “together” and not as individuals. Remember this; one day when this life is over you’ll stand before God alone and he’ll say well done or depart from me and your husband won’t be next to you complaining about the cat and making you feel (fill in the blank) so start living today as if he doesn’t control you and it will open up possibilities you couldn’t have imagined. Much love sister! HE WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE YOU.
Well said! We don’t have to have all the answers, because we know the One who does.
If we feel the need to explain, I have found that less is more…even a sentence as simple as, “he was a different person at home than the one you saw”, speaks volumes, and nothing more need be added to it.
Thank you for reminding me that less is more
Others don’t need to understand me because I know God does. And keep it simply- he’s a different person at home than the person you see
And the crazy part is that there are times that I want my spouse to understand me when it comes to the other person I see at home. That’s not going to happen because that’s part of his manipulation and strategy
Peace with God
Love this!🔥 I have walked through this very same situation with my church! I left my abusive narcissistic husband 16 months ago. We had been married 18 years. I had been a part of my church for 34 years. He had a restraining order against him so he had no choice but to stop coming. Eventually the Judge said since he had gone for a month and not stalked me he dropped my order! After a year of him not coming to my church he started showing up. I had addressed this with my preacher and he said he could not stop him from coming which made me very uneasy. This man had choked me twice, bruises on both arms, pushed me, cursed me out every time we had an argument, spit in my face, he tried to put a tracker on my phone and my car, paid people to stalk me, talked to my children horribly, was abusive to our animals and so much more. I quit going to church because I feared him and what I k ew he was capable of doing to me. No one reached out to me so after 4 months I requested my membership be pulled. The preacher’s wife reach out by text saying the preacher wanted to talk with me. I tried 3-4 times telling them both about his abuse and showed them pics of my bruises. This was my text to her after she said he wanted to speak with me…
Good morning Sister Amy, I have thought and prayed about this and wanted to write to let you know that I will not be returning to Highest Praise, and I would appreciate it if you would please remove my membership.
Before bill began attending the church again, I shared my concerns with both you and Pastor. After faithfully attending Highest Praise for 34 years, I had hoped my fears and concerns would be understood. Instead, I felt unheard and unsupported.
I came to church because it was my safe place and a place where I wanted to worship, grow, and become more involved. But when bill started coming back, all of that changed. Because of the abuse I experienced, I am genuinaly terrified and afraid of him. Even though he denies that any abuse ever happened, it does not change what I lived through or the fear I continue to carry.
Over this past year, I often felt alone in what I was facing. That has been one of the deepest hurts of all. I loved my church, and it breaks my heart that one person’s return and actions has left me feeling that I can no longer worship there in peace or safety.
It is also my understanding that this same situation contributed to Judy, Nancy, and Diane leaving as well. That makes this even more heartbreaking to me, because it seems I was not the only one who felt unable to remain under these circumstances.
This has not been an easy decision. I will always be grateful for the many years I spent at Highest Praise, but I know I cannot return. Please accept this letter as my request to remove my membership.
Thank you, and I sincerely wish you, Pastor, and the church God’s blessings.
Sincerely,
Jenny
I feel I do not have to explain anything else and I have peace with my decision!
Blessings to this amazing platform!🙏💖
Thank you for your comment Jenny. You are most definitely not alone in this. I pray God guides you to a place of fellowship where you will flourish and find holy connection.
Very encouraging🙂
This is so very pervasive in the church right now. My counselor tells me she deals with this very routinely. We have to remember that God knows and sees everything and we do not have to always defend ourselves as GOD is our defender. God has whispered that to me over and over and that message has even come from people I hardly know, coming up and telling me that they were told in prayer- “God is your defender”. It’s so hard to believe it some days and it is a secondary abuse, but we have to remain firm in WHO He is and trust and surrender everything to Him, knowing He is our portion. In the end JUSTICE is HIS.
You are so right! This kind of dynamic is very common in our churches….men (and women) who are one way in public and another at home. None of us are perfect, but I would think by now most people know this kind of double-minded personality is out there and believe when a spouse tries to speak up about it.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Remember, we serve a God whose name is El Roi( the God who sees).
God sees and knows everything you have endured and He understands. The bible says man looks at the outward appearance but God see the heart. So will your church see the outward behaviour of your husband, God sees his heart
Let God be the judge of all that has happened for He is the righteous judge.
You don’t NEED to convince anyone of your experiences and hurt, just tell the truth of what you experienced and leave the rest to God.
Blessing 🙏🏽
Yes and Amen! His eyes are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. 1 Peter 3;!@
I spent many hours in our couples small group in tears trying to explain the experience I was having in my marriage to this seemingly Godly man. I think most just thought I was complaining, but because he was on staff and people in church are supposed to be ‘nice’ they also felt helpless as what to do. Even the Director over him was passive in his response. You would think justice would be mine, when a few years later I found he was having an affair and was terminated, but what truly gave me peace, was when I realized the best way to love him was to let him go. Trust him to the God who judges justly. It was a weight off knowing it was not my job to dole out consequences. If I got out of the way God would do a much better job than I.
Should I have expected more from the church, yes. Could I be bitter toward them, yes. But it was not my job to fight harder for them to understand…they should have fought harder to protect me, so they will have to answer to God as well.
Anita, strength and faith in choosing peace over bitterness is powerful, and trusting God with what you couldn’t carry shows a deep courage that will continue to bring you healing and freedom.
This is all very familiar. Abuse of this nature is very hard to explain because the perpetrator doesn’t show this side of himself to others. I had a similar situation at my church, where the pastor was doubtful of what I told him about my husband. I said to him “ I’m not going to try to convince you of what happened. God is my witness and has seen everything that has happened. “. It brings me comfort that even when others fail to understand why I left the marriage (23 years, lots of marriage counselling and second chances) , God was right there with me through it all, heard the yelling, saw the manipulation and all the abuse. I also found it very helpful to go to a support group for women where we were seen and heard and could talk about our experience. It’s so sad that the church is failing to support people who come for help and support .
I want to encourage you who are going through this horrible experience to call out to God; He will make a way. That is all I could pray for a long time: “God help me, please make a way for the kids and I”. His love never fails. He has cleared a path for us to walk on , and has provided for is in incredible ways. So please remember that where the church fails; God remains trustworthy, faithful and loving.
AMEN!!!
Girl. This kind of covert abuse is real and because it’s covert it makes it more harmful, cruel and frustrating. It sounds like your ex husband was NOT a healthy person. I wish you the best for your future and pray God give you comfort and bring healing as you take one step at a time on your journey.
My heart is deeply with you, sweet sister. I struggled for SO LONG with this very idea as well. I spent so much time and energy trying to get others to see and understand what was happening and who he *really* is… but they just can’t. Think of how long it took YOU to reconcile his words and his “image” and who he wants people to think he is versus the behavior that just didn’t match up. It is impossibly confusing and difficult to understand. If others don’t see any of the mismatched behavior, of course they aren’t going to believe it. Especially if they are convinced this person really is a godly man. It’s hard for the human brain to conceive that people, especially self-proclaimed believers, could be lying or deceiving them. Coach Diana is right, we have to believe ourselves and let that be enough. We have to strengthen and rebuild our intuition and our ability to stand firm in what we KNOW we experienced and stop questioning it. It’s as if we needed others to believe it and validate it so *we* could. He beat down your self-worth, your clarity and your ability to discern what is happening before your very eyes. But you can get it all back. It’s a scary path and maybe for you, like me, God is trying to rid you of your fear of man (caring too much about what other people think and needing their approval)? Maybe your pastor doesn’t need to understand. He is just a person. I think we sometimes conflate “authority” thinking church leadership and God are one. I struggled with this also. As if church leadership knows best and they are my authority and whatever they say is right and I am wrong. They are flawed people, they don’t know everything. This is a challenging lessen to learn also. We need to have our own intimate relationship with God himself, HE is our authority, no one else. And HE will guide us, no one else.
My church leadership continued pressing and asking to have “meetings” and I finally had to say no …. even if I look like the one who isn’t “trying” or the one who is the problem. I can’t worry about that anymore. I know it isn’t true and so does God. I believe you will get there also. It’s funny, I was just describing to someone that it felt like the Lord was literally dragging me out of my marriage by my feet. I was so scared and was grappling with the idea that God hates divorce, how could this be what He’s telling me to do? All the while he is yanking me like let’s goooooo … it’s such a funny visual.
If it helps even a little, I BELIEVE YOU. I do think you need validation but sadly, you very likely aren’t going to get it from your church. Keep listening to Leslie and her coaches. Watch others like Dr Ramani, Dr William E Clarke, Shaneen Megji, etc who CAN validate your experience. These people who understand this type of abuse have helped me *immensely*. Also, please find a community … either through Leslie’s programs or a divorce care group or a Celebrate Recovery/Regenerationrecovery.org program. You will find like-minded people who have been through it also and can support you!!! God bless and keep you sis. He loves you, you matter to Him and he didn’t intend the institution of marriage (a picture of Christ & His church) to keep anyone stuck in abuse/mistreatment. ❤
My heart is deeply with you, sweet sister. I struggled for SO LONG with this very idea as well. I spent so much time and energy trying to get others to see and understand what was happening and who he *really* is… but they just can’t. Think of how long it took YOU to reconcile his words and his “image” and who he wants people to think he is versus the behavior that just didn’t match up. It is impossibly confusing and difficult to understand. If others don’t see any of the mismatched behavior, of course they aren’t going to believe it. Especially if they are convinced this person really is a godly man. It’s hard for the human brain to conceive that people, especially self-proclaimed believers, could be lying or deceiving them. Coach Diana is right, we have to believe ourselves and let that be enough. We have to strengthen and rebuild our intuition and our ability to stand firm in what we KNOW we experienced and stop questioning it. It’s as if we needed others to believe it and validate it so *we* could. He beat down your self-worth, your clarity and your ability to discern what is happening before your very eyes. But you can get it all back. It’s a scary path and maybe for you, like me, God is trying to rid you of your fear of man (caring too much about what other people think and needing their approval)? Maybe your pastor doesn’t need to understand. He is just a person. I think we sometimes conflate “authority” thinking church leadership and God are one. I struggled with this also. As if church leadership knows best and they are my authority and whatever they say is right and I am wrong. They are flawed people, they don’t know everything. This isa challenging lessen to learn also. We need to have our own intimate relationship with God himself, HE is our suthority, noi one else. And HE will guide us, no one else.
My church leadership continued pressing and asking to have “meetings” and I finally had to say no …. even if I look like the one who isn’t “trying” or the one who is the problem. I can’t worry about that anymore. I know it isn’t true and so does God. I believe you will get there also. It’s funny, I was just describing to someone that it felt like the Lord was literally dragging me out of my marriage by my feet. I was so scared and was grappling with the idea that God hates divorce, how could this be what He’s telling me to do? All the while he is yanking me like let’s goooooo … it’s such a funny visual.
If it helps even a little, I BELIEVE YOU. I do think you need validation but sadly, you very likely aren’t going to get it from your church. Keep listening to Leslie and her coaches. Watch others like Dr Ramani, Dr William E Clarke, Shaneen Megji, etc who CAN validate your experience. These people who understand this type of abuse have helped me *immensely*. Also, please find a community … either through Leslie’s programs or a divorce care group or a Celebrate Recovery/Regenerationrecovery.org program. You will find like-minded people who have been through it also and can support you!!! God bless and keep you sis. He loves you, you matter to Him and he didn’t intend the institution of marriage (a picture of Christ & His church) to keep anyone stuck in abuse/mistreatment. ❤
I believe it is a ‘rule of thumb’ that no-one understands the day in and day out pain of any hardship unless you endure it yourself.
This has helped me with lowering my expectations with the church and family. Instead, I found comfort with other women who endure this worst kind of pain – it is easier if they died! But God, our Father knows this. Their time with having to give an account to God AND living with those consequences, is pending and God doesn’t miss a thing.
Look after you our beautiful sister, look after your thoughts, read and think on God’s word, worship and talk with Jesus about all of your pain – He wants to go thru this with you and you will find this process so comforting that it you will find yourself enduring the most painful circumstances.
Bigs hugs to you and I so wish we could have coffee together so I could encourage you more, beautiful lady.
Im reading through all the comments attached to this blogpost. It’s heartbreaking to know that the church, often the place we feel loved and welcome, becomes part of the injury. Pastors, church leaders AND THEIR SPOUSES seem uniformed or unprepared to address marital abuse- which in this day and age seems, at the very least, irresponsible. It’s a great thing that we have crusaders like Leslie Vernick and all of her capable coaches who are going to battle – every day- to grow awareness in church communities. They are bravely wading into the storm on behalf of abused women of faith who have no one else to champion them. 🙌🙌🙌🙌 Also a shout out to Pastor Chris Moles, who has partnered with Leslie and her coaches, to support, educate, defend, and protect women who experience the spiritual and mental
alienation created by abusive men, often wolves who appear in sheep’s clothing. Women in these devastating circumstances are no longer alone. The battle is on.
Yes and we are wise to remember this is spiritual and a battle. We are not surprised for the devil himself can transform himself into an angel of light. Praying for our church leaders to have wisdom and discernment. 1 John 4:1